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Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change through Ordinary Moments
Marriage Matters is unique in helping couples handle small irritations before they become big problems. A simple yet powerful prescription for changing marriages.
Can Ordinary Marriages Become Extraordinary?
He snapped at her at breakfast. She brought up a past mistake. He walked out angry. She left without saying good-bye. Just one day in an ordinary marriage. But what if things could be different? What if the ordinary moments of annoyance, conflict, pain, or cold indifference could become moments to understand God’s incredible agenda for love and begin something new? This book offers a simple, yet powerful prescription for changing marriages one ordinary moment at a time. Change begins with understanding how and why small disagreements evolve into major problems, taking practical steps to love one another more effectively, and learning how to take those same steps over and over again. Interactions that used to devolve into pointless annoyances
and fights can become opportunities for God’s love to become increasingly evident and powerful. Winston T. Smith takes abstract, biblical principles and applies them to the concrete details of life so that ordinary marriages can become extraordinary.
Can Ordinary Marriages Become Extraordinary?
He snapped at her at breakfast. She brought up a past mistake. He walked out angry. She left without saying good-bye. Just one day in an ordinary marriage. But what if things could be different? What if the ordinary moments of annoyance, conflict, pain, or cold indifference could become moments to understand God’s incredible agenda for love and begin something new? This book offers a simple, yet powerful prescription for changing marriages one ordinary moment at a time. Change begins with understanding how and why small disagreements evolve into major problems, taking practical steps to love one another more effectively, and learning how to take those same steps over and over again. Interactions that used to devolve into pointless annoyances
and fights can become opportunities for God’s love to become increasingly evident and powerful. Winston T. Smith takes abstract, biblical principles and applies them to the concrete details of life so that ordinary marriages can become extraordinary.
304 pages, Paperback
First published October 18, 2010
253 people are currently reading
1367 people want to read
About the author
Winston T. Smith
28 books13 followersWinston T. Smith (MDiv, Westminster Theological Seminary) is the rector at Saint Anne's Church in Abington, Pennsylvania. He is the author of Marriage Matters.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
January 18, 2013
Winsome, hearty, clear, humorous, and thoroughly biblical, Marriage Matters: Extraordinary Change Through Ordinary Moments is a realistic look at marriage and what it takes to truly improve our relationships.
Winston Smith starts with a theological foundation--our marriages aren't just about us, they are about God and His extraordinary love. Then he takes that gospel foundation and builds a strong household upon it. The second and third sections are not just theoretical but intensely practical, and he demonstrates all of the principles he is teaching through real-to-life illustrations from the perspectives of both the wife and the husband.
This is Smith's first full-length book, and, at times, it feels kind of like a textbook. After all, he is a seminary professor! But unlike most books on marriage, this is the book that I would want my "class" to read. A bonus for me is that I've had Smith as a teacher and taken the class from which this book arose. This is really good stuff.
Consider this exhortation from pages 36-37: "If your marriage is going to change, you need to change. It's easy to waste time waiting, hoping, perhaps insisting that your spouse change. Sadly, you have no power to make another person change. When you begin your quest for change by looking at yourself and your own need for change, then you can have hope. You have a responsibility and also the ability to change. But you can only do that in a lasting, meaningful way as you turn from your own idols and learn to live a life of true worship." Challenging and hope-giving in the same paragraph!
As a pastor, I've searched high and low for a "go-to book" on marriage--one that I could agree with nearly 100% of its counsel and one that was good to read by both the husband and the wife. Now I've found it. Highly recommended.
Winston Smith starts with a theological foundation--our marriages aren't just about us, they are about God and His extraordinary love. Then he takes that gospel foundation and builds a strong household upon it. The second and third sections are not just theoretical but intensely practical, and he demonstrates all of the principles he is teaching through real-to-life illustrations from the perspectives of both the wife and the husband.
This is Smith's first full-length book, and, at times, it feels kind of like a textbook. After all, he is a seminary professor! But unlike most books on marriage, this is the book that I would want my "class" to read. A bonus for me is that I've had Smith as a teacher and taken the class from which this book arose. This is really good stuff.
Consider this exhortation from pages 36-37: "If your marriage is going to change, you need to change. It's easy to waste time waiting, hoping, perhaps insisting that your spouse change. Sadly, you have no power to make another person change. When you begin your quest for change by looking at yourself and your own need for change, then you can have hope. You have a responsibility and also the ability to change. But you can only do that in a lasting, meaningful way as you turn from your own idols and learn to live a life of true worship." Challenging and hope-giving in the same paragraph!
As a pastor, I've searched high and low for a "go-to book" on marriage--one that I could agree with nearly 100% of its counsel and one that was good to read by both the husband and the wife. Now I've found it. Highly recommended.
October 6, 2015
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This is a wonderful book about marriage. The best my wife and I have read so far. Winston Smith is a counselor and faculty member at CCEF, and sets out to lend his expertise in marriage counseling. He writes about marriage in the ordinary moments, after the hourly butterfly feelings leave, and when life consists if coming home from work and figuring out how to juggle relationships and daily activities without feeling defeated. Ordinary moments reveal our problems with God. They show that we don’t trust him as much as we should, or we don’t love him like we think we do.
This book isn’t full of cute, pithy sayings and applications. Instead, it looks behind the issues. Smith starts off by recalling a story where he was preparing for a Bible study that night while waiting for his wife to arrive home from a wedding shower (or so). The issue at hand is Smith needs to leave the house soon, but he won’t have time to bring the kids to soccer/dancing/football practice. Yet his wife can’t seem to pick up the phone when he calls. So, of coursed, stressed, he gets agitated. Yet he admits he never once considered that something bad may have happened to her. There may actually be a reason she hasn’t answered his phone calls.
Worse yet, Smith isn’t trusting God. He’s more focused on himself and doing well at the Bible study than he is concerned about his wife and family.
Smith’s honesty about him and his wife bring personality to the book, as life can bring as many (or more) bad days as good. And the Smiths aren't afraid to admit that. He looks behind the problems that arise in a marriage, shows what’s going on, what’s wrong, and how we can look to Christ for true understanding.
Smith covers topics like be honest with yourself and your spouse, conflict (how it can be and is good), forgiveness, intimacy, how your actions make a difference, and more. There are sixteen chapters in all, but only two are three are fairly long. Most are easy to read in one sitting (even better out loud with your spouse).
Highly recommended. I'd give this book 6 stars if I could.
This is a wonderful book about marriage. The best my wife and I have read so far. Winston Smith is a counselor and faculty member at CCEF, and sets out to lend his expertise in marriage counseling. He writes about marriage in the ordinary moments, after the hourly butterfly feelings leave, and when life consists if coming home from work and figuring out how to juggle relationships and daily activities without feeling defeated. Ordinary moments reveal our problems with God. They show that we don’t trust him as much as we should, or we don’t love him like we think we do.
This book isn’t full of cute, pithy sayings and applications. Instead, it looks behind the issues. Smith starts off by recalling a story where he was preparing for a Bible study that night while waiting for his wife to arrive home from a wedding shower (or so). The issue at hand is Smith needs to leave the house soon, but he won’t have time to bring the kids to soccer/dancing/football practice. Yet his wife can’t seem to pick up the phone when he calls. So, of coursed, stressed, he gets agitated. Yet he admits he never once considered that something bad may have happened to her. There may actually be a reason she hasn’t answered his phone calls.
Worse yet, Smith isn’t trusting God. He’s more focused on himself and doing well at the Bible study than he is concerned about his wife and family.
Smith’s honesty about him and his wife bring personality to the book, as life can bring as many (or more) bad days as good. And the Smiths aren't afraid to admit that. He looks behind the problems that arise in a marriage, shows what’s going on, what’s wrong, and how we can look to Christ for true understanding.
Smith covers topics like be honest with yourself and your spouse, conflict (how it can be and is good), forgiveness, intimacy, how your actions make a difference, and more. There are sixteen chapters in all, but only two are three are fairly long. Most are easy to read in one sitting (even better out loud with your spouse).
Highly recommended. I'd give this book 6 stars if I could.
December 31, 2019
It's all here. Perhaps one of the most comprehensive Christian books on marriage I've ever read.
Only four stars, though, as it reads a little too much like Smith's own (and unimpressive) autobiography instead, painting a picture of a man and a life which I did not want to emulate.
The actual advice from chapter-to-chapter, though, is spot on. His main emphasis, which I completely appreciated, is that no one can change their spouse's behavior. They can only learn to repent of their own sin and be a better husband or wife, improving their half of the deal which improves the marriage as a whole.
Only four stars, though, as it reads a little too much like Smith's own (and unimpressive) autobiography instead, painting a picture of a man and a life which I did not want to emulate.
The actual advice from chapter-to-chapter, though, is spot on. His main emphasis, which I completely appreciated, is that no one can change their spouse's behavior. They can only learn to repent of their own sin and be a better husband or wife, improving their half of the deal which improves the marriage as a whole.
November 21, 2020
Well, after writing this entire review and losing it, I'll just say that this marriage book is head-and-shoulders above it's contemporaries, the writing is for real couples with real marriages and real issues. Smith offers real hope from a real Savior who is powerful to save and change hearts.
If you have read other marriage books and had the hit-or-miss experience I have, I don't believe you would be disappointed with this one.
If you have read other marriage books and had the hit-or-miss experience I have, I don't believe you would be disappointed with this one.
December 16, 2013
Very good read. I worked through most of the book with my husband and we both found it very helpful and at times eye opening. If you are looking for a good marriage resource, this is it.
October 6, 2015
the best marriage book I have ever come across.. and to be honest, I've read a good deal of those this year.
June 2, 2021
I've read many good marriage books, but this one tops them all!
Winston T. Smith is a winsome, biblically grounded counselor. In each chapter, he takes you back to Scripture as the basis for the principle he's teaching. But I was almost always surprised at the Bible passage he'd choose: often, it was not the expected or "normal" passage that other marriage books have used to communicate that principle. For example, in his chapter on manipulation, he goes straight to... the James passage about favoritism! The connection did not begin as obvious to me. But, as I came to see, SO wise.
His exegesis also felt really fresh, but not in a way that he was twisting the passage to get something original out of it. He skillfully drew out implications that had always been there, and he communicated the Gospel's intense relevance to the heart issues of marriage. He brought the same freshness to the more well-trodden passages on marriage, often by connecting them to other biblical principles.
My husband and I loved and gushed to each other about each chapter. We found them immediately applicable--not only to our relationship with each other, but also to our relationships with our kids! We found him such a wise guide that we both plan to grab his other book, Untangling Emotions.
Winston T. Smith is a winsome, biblically grounded counselor. In each chapter, he takes you back to Scripture as the basis for the principle he's teaching. But I was almost always surprised at the Bible passage he'd choose: often, it was not the expected or "normal" passage that other marriage books have used to communicate that principle. For example, in his chapter on manipulation, he goes straight to... the James passage about favoritism! The connection did not begin as obvious to me. But, as I came to see, SO wise.
His exegesis also felt really fresh, but not in a way that he was twisting the passage to get something original out of it. He skillfully drew out implications that had always been there, and he communicated the Gospel's intense relevance to the heart issues of marriage. He brought the same freshness to the more well-trodden passages on marriage, often by connecting them to other biblical principles.
My husband and I loved and gushed to each other about each chapter. We found them immediately applicable--not only to our relationship with each other, but also to our relationships with our kids! We found him such a wise guide that we both plan to grab his other book, Untangling Emotions.
Read
November 12, 2014Loved it!
Think I saw this book on a friend's recommendation list and picked it up. I am not having marital problems but was seeking ways to be a better Christian wife. Have gotten lots of great takeaways and glad I actually bought it instead of borrowing from library.
Think I saw this book on a friend's recommendation list and picked it up. I am not having marital problems but was seeking ways to be a better Christian wife. Have gotten lots of great takeaways and glad I actually bought it instead of borrowing from library.
October 22, 2020
Outstanding book that shows how to turn ordinary disappointments of the day by day life into opportunities for growth in love, faith and intimacy.
Written from a pastoral perspective, doctrinally sound. Highly recommended.
Written from a pastoral perspective, doctrinally sound. Highly recommended.
December 4, 2016
Excellent volume on marriage. Gospel centered and practical. A marriage must read.
September 11, 2020
Best marriage book I've read.
February 1, 2018
I'm unmarried, so the force of this book must have been somewhat lost on me. After all, what does somebody like me know about frustration and suffering? However, 'Marriage Matters' is instructive on many levels for anybody.
As I read, it often seemed like I was reading a commentary on Ephesians. Smith explains that in the first three chapters of Ephesians, "God had... a plan to love us, to make us his children, and to make us more like Jesus". Based on God's love and support that we see, we can love our spouse or others as Christ loved them, and we can examine ourselves and live in response to God's grace.
Starting from first principles, 'Marriage Matters' challenges us to live a holy life centred around God.
"The goal of holiness carries a high price. Jesus' love for us was costly and painful, ultimately requiring him to lay down his life for us. Husbands are called upon to love in a similar way, to know and imitate Jesus' example of loving the church. Your love is to be sacrificial, placing the needs of your wife above your own. Husbands, in what ways will helping your wife grow require you to suffer loss? How will you have to say no to yourselves so you can say yes to love?"
Smith discusses many answers to these two questions. 'Marriage Matters' helps us recognise our unconscious expressions of greed and pride, and to replace them with sacrifice and humility.
A few other excerpts:
"But now a new reality was emerging in my mind. Would it be horrible if I made a mistake? No. My duty is to love her, not to be perfect. In fact, sometimes loving her may well disappoint her."
"God's unconditional love means that he can give us that kind of love for our spouses. We aren't left to generate positive emotions for our spouses when they happen to be giving us what we want. We can give them the love that we've received from God – powerful, unconditional love that doesn't change when disappointed or sinned against. The Bible calls this grace."
"I recently met with a couple struggling in their marriage, and the wife shared that one of the things that's helped her the most is remembering that her husband isn't just her husband but a child of God and her brother."
"Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. It isn't a divine form of amnesia. God doesn't ask us to live as people without a history or pretend that sins never happened. In fact, being able to recall how God has delivered us through marital storms, empowering us to confess, forgive, and overcome, can give us hope and an anchor in future storms."
"God gives authority to some to ensure that in every arena of relationship someone is responsible for the care of others. Certain duties that need special attention or ability may be delegated, but the one in authority has the added responsibility of assuring that needs in every area are being met. Even if everyone else is dropping the ball, the one with authority is required to notice and take action."
"To persevere through the difficulties of marriage, you must have faith that God is present and active even when you can't see what he's up to. When you believe that, you believe that your actions make a difference. There's no guarantee that your spouse will respond to God's love, but you'll be spared slavery to bitterness, fear, and hopelessness. You'll experience the victory of knowing that the sins of others can't separate you from God's presence, love, and power."
"The Bible itself is the story of a marriage – God's marriage to his people."
As I read, it often seemed like I was reading a commentary on Ephesians. Smith explains that in the first three chapters of Ephesians, "God had... a plan to love us, to make us his children, and to make us more like Jesus". Based on God's love and support that we see, we can love our spouse or others as Christ loved them, and we can examine ourselves and live in response to God's grace.
Starting from first principles, 'Marriage Matters' challenges us to live a holy life centred around God.
"The goal of holiness carries a high price. Jesus' love for us was costly and painful, ultimately requiring him to lay down his life for us. Husbands are called upon to love in a similar way, to know and imitate Jesus' example of loving the church. Your love is to be sacrificial, placing the needs of your wife above your own. Husbands, in what ways will helping your wife grow require you to suffer loss? How will you have to say no to yourselves so you can say yes to love?"
Smith discusses many answers to these two questions. 'Marriage Matters' helps us recognise our unconscious expressions of greed and pride, and to replace them with sacrifice and humility.
A few other excerpts:
"But now a new reality was emerging in my mind. Would it be horrible if I made a mistake? No. My duty is to love her, not to be perfect. In fact, sometimes loving her may well disappoint her."
"God's unconditional love means that he can give us that kind of love for our spouses. We aren't left to generate positive emotions for our spouses when they happen to be giving us what we want. We can give them the love that we've received from God – powerful, unconditional love that doesn't change when disappointed or sinned against. The Bible calls this grace."
"I recently met with a couple struggling in their marriage, and the wife shared that one of the things that's helped her the most is remembering that her husband isn't just her husband but a child of God and her brother."
"Forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. It isn't a divine form of amnesia. God doesn't ask us to live as people without a history or pretend that sins never happened. In fact, being able to recall how God has delivered us through marital storms, empowering us to confess, forgive, and overcome, can give us hope and an anchor in future storms."
"God gives authority to some to ensure that in every arena of relationship someone is responsible for the care of others. Certain duties that need special attention or ability may be delegated, but the one in authority has the added responsibility of assuring that needs in every area are being met. Even if everyone else is dropping the ball, the one with authority is required to notice and take action."
"To persevere through the difficulties of marriage, you must have faith that God is present and active even when you can't see what he's up to. When you believe that, you believe that your actions make a difference. There's no guarantee that your spouse will respond to God's love, but you'll be spared slavery to bitterness, fear, and hopelessness. You'll experience the victory of knowing that the sins of others can't separate you from God's presence, love, and power."
"The Bible itself is the story of a marriage – God's marriage to his people."
February 3, 2018
Excellent no matter how many anniversaries
When I began reading this book , my husband and I had been married for 19 years . As I learned and was challenged by what I was reading in this book : agape love , honor , respect , and forgiveness , etc., we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary . I would recommend this book to anyone who is willing to be challenged to grow in their marriage , no matter the number of years you've been married . If you are the only one desiring growth , I would encourage you to read this and study the accompanying Scripture verses that apply to your part of the relationship . Finally , because God hates divorce , this book encourages you to focus on building up your spouse; giving without unrealistic expectations; don't give satan a foothold to lead you down that road . (For my husband and I , when trials come , we trust our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to carry us through . Not allowing "d" to ever be an option, has also been one of the blessings in our marriage . )
Yes, this author does touch on abusive relationships , that sometimes are unable to survive , even after counseling and outside help .
However , the spirit and focus of this book is that every marriage (between a man and a woman ) matters , every single day , in joys and trials , too.
I personally learned some things that I had forgotten over the years . I'm planning to look for and read additional books that will encourage me to continually seek to be the wife my husband needs me to be . In every season of our marriage , I want the Lord to bless our marriage !
When I began reading this book , my husband and I had been married for 19 years . As I learned and was challenged by what I was reading in this book : agape love , honor , respect , and forgiveness , etc., we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary . I would recommend this book to anyone who is willing to be challenged to grow in their marriage , no matter the number of years you've been married . If you are the only one desiring growth , I would encourage you to read this and study the accompanying Scripture verses that apply to your part of the relationship . Finally , because God hates divorce , this book encourages you to focus on building up your spouse; giving without unrealistic expectations; don't give satan a foothold to lead you down that road . (For my husband and I , when trials come , we trust our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to carry us through . Not allowing "d" to ever be an option, has also been one of the blessings in our marriage . )
Yes, this author does touch on abusive relationships , that sometimes are unable to survive , even after counseling and outside help .
However , the spirit and focus of this book is that every marriage (between a man and a woman ) matters , every single day , in joys and trials , too.
I personally learned some things that I had forgotten over the years . I'm planning to look for and read additional books that will encourage me to continually seek to be the wife my husband needs me to be . In every season of our marriage , I want the Lord to bless our marriage !
May 28, 2019
I've read quite a few books on marriage that I didn't like that much. Probably because they often define what men are like and what women are like and how men react and how women react. And then John and I are thinking, is something wrong with us? Because we just don't fit those stereotypes. This book didn't do that at all. Instead, it helps you to see that conflict and problems in marriage are because neither husband nor wife are perfect. The big take-away for me was when I am upset with my husband, step back and take a look. Generally I am also at fault. How do I need to change is the question to ask, not how can I change my husband.
The author does say several times that if you are in an abusive marriage, that you need to get help. If you are having issues that are hurtful to your spouse (such as pornography or gambling) you also need to get help. These are things that you and your spouse probably can't fix by yourselves.
The author also talks about what it looks like to truly ask for forgiveness and to extend forgiveness. This is not a skill that comes to most of us naturally.
I appreciated this book because it was a good reminder to look at MY imperfections and take the first step to change ME. I need to see the ugly in me, before I can address the ugly in my spouse.
The author does say several times that if you are in an abusive marriage, that you need to get help. If you are having issues that are hurtful to your spouse (such as pornography or gambling) you also need to get help. These are things that you and your spouse probably can't fix by yourselves.
The author also talks about what it looks like to truly ask for forgiveness and to extend forgiveness. This is not a skill that comes to most of us naturally.
I appreciated this book because it was a good reminder to look at MY imperfections and take the first step to change ME. I need to see the ugly in me, before I can address the ugly in my spouse.
January 22, 2022
I'm not married, so take this review with a grain of salt, but as I think about various questions and struggles that could pop up in marriage, this seemed like a great book to use to think through that. And a lot of Smith's advice was helpful for me now as well as a single person. While it wasn't the main focus of the book at all, I did appreciate that Smith wrote his book with those in abusive marriages in mind, which led to some helpful qualifications or notes for those who sadly might be in such circumstances.
Rating: 4.0 Stars (Very Good).
Rating: 4.0 Stars (Very Good).
February 21, 2021
Great book for all married people.
This is one of the best books I have read on marriage. It is packed full of insightful wisdom, and I thoroughly appreciated how it causes one to focus on their own imperfections and learning how to improve themselves if they want their marriage to improve.
This is one of the best books I have read on marriage. It is packed full of insightful wisdom, and I thoroughly appreciated how it causes one to focus on their own imperfections and learning how to improve themselves if they want their marriage to improve.
March 26, 2025
I really liked this book. Apparently the chapter on gender roles isn’t great, but it’s probably my one of my favorite marriage type books I’ve read. Winston Smith seems like a great re-framer. I want to develop that muscle. I want to see/feel about my story, challenges, and ordinary moments the way God does. How then should we live?
August 4, 2019
Like other books from CCEF background, the Bible handling is sometimes a little ho-hum or clunky. But the application is fresh and insightful, with particularly good sections on managing conflict and forgiveness.
July 13, 2020
Good advice for selfish people
Perfect people don't need to read this book. My first marriage ended in 2018 when Debbie went to heaven. A friend and I are reading and discussing MARRIAGE MATTERS. I want to follow his primary advice. Do everything out of love
Perfect people don't need to read this book. My first marriage ended in 2018 when Debbie went to heaven. A friend and I are reading and discussing MARRIAGE MATTERS. I want to follow his primary advice. Do everything out of love
August 3, 2020
This is a wonderful book many insights and inspiration for examining my heart and responses - striving to honor Christ as I love, serve, encourage, and obey my husband. My attitude, response, and actions matter.
April 28, 2023
Very solid, biblically-backed marriage book. It gets wordy and technical at times. Not the easiest book to get through because of its density, and not one I’d recommend for a small group because of that. But wonderful background for counseling marriages, or looking at your own marriage.
January 25, 2019
Helpful princples in many ways, but it was hard work getting through it. Perhaps there weren't enough examples and stories to add a human face to it all.
May 1, 2019
This has been the best book on the subject of marriage that I’ve read so far!
August 17, 2019
Alright. Not the place to start.
February 8, 2020
A really excellent book on marriage. We did this in a group study at our church and it led to some really useful and thoughtful discussions.
August 3, 2022
Great prose, clear reasoning, helpful illustrations, Biblical conclusions.
February 18, 2025
Liked it. Practical and very cross centered.
October 18, 2025
4.5 stars
January 19, 2020
A thorough look at the biblical view of marriage, it’s challenges and it’s rewards.
I heartily recommend this book for all who desire to see their marriage from God’s perspective and to stay on the path till death do us part.
I heartily recommend this book for all who desire to see their marriage from God’s perspective and to stay on the path till death do us part.
June 22, 2023
Of the three marriage books I have read, this one is by far the strongest and most worthwhile. It is better than Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage, and far better than Ash’s Married for God. None of them are bad. But the authors of each bring their experiences into play. Ash’s book lacks grittiness; it seems written for an insular Christian caricature. Keller’s gets more real given he is closer to the ‘real world’. But Smith is the realest and grittiest of all. Why? He is a marriage counsellor. He knows more intimately the problems couples will face. And this means his approach is informed by this very valuable experience. The line I have not forgotten - don’t give this to your spouse expecting it to change them. Instead use this book to change you. The right attitude.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews