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Kate Delafield #6
Apparition Alley
From two-time Lambda Literary Award-winning author Forrest comes the latest Kate Delafield mystery.
Kate Delafield is at war. With LAPD’s Department of Internal Affairs which is challenging her conduct during an arrest gone disastrously wrong. With the police psychologist who holds in her hands the power to keep Kate off the job—and is exercising it. With her police partner who has gone AWOL in Kate’s hour of need. With the police colleagues who condemn the investigation and defense she’s undertaken for a cowboy cop who looks guilty beyond doubt of the bad shooting charges brought against him. With the woman she loves who has been brutally reminded of the dangers in Kate’s job. Worst of all, Kate is at war with herself, forced to question the integrity of her own police department, and forced to make a decision that will crucially affect her own LGBT community.
Apparition Alley ranks as the most electric and suspenseful of the storied Kate Delafield mystery series.
First Published by Berkley Prime Crime 1997
Kate Delafield is at war. With LAPD’s Department of Internal Affairs which is challenging her conduct during an arrest gone disastrously wrong. With the police psychologist who holds in her hands the power to keep Kate off the job—and is exercising it. With her police partner who has gone AWOL in Kate’s hour of need. With the police colleagues who condemn the investigation and defense she’s undertaken for a cowboy cop who looks guilty beyond doubt of the bad shooting charges brought against him. With the woman she loves who has been brutally reminded of the dangers in Kate’s job. Worst of all, Kate is at war with herself, forced to question the integrity of her own police department, and forced to make a decision that will crucially affect her own LGBT community.
Apparition Alley ranks as the most electric and suspenseful of the storied Kate Delafield mystery series.
First Published by Berkley Prime Crime 1997
248 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1997
14 people are currently reading
299 people want to read
About the author
Katherine V. Forrest
44 books323 followersKatherine V. Forrest is a Canadian-born American writer, best known for her novels about lesbian police detective Kate Delafield. Her books have won and been finalists for Lambda Literary Award twelve times, as well as other awards. She has been referred to by some "a founding mother of lesbian fiction writing."
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Displaying 1 - 25 of 25 reviews
August 8, 2022
3.75* Another oldie but goodie Kate Delafield book. This time, Kate has been shot in her shoulder as she and her team had tried to make an arrest. She's trying to get back to active duty but have to be cleared by a psychologist. Then she was contacted by a cop who have been accused of murder. This same cop is a pariah too and blamed for another cop's death. Overall, Kate finds herself in an increasingly complex situation that potentially involved the involuntary outing of gay and lesbian members of the police force. Of course, she has a personal stake in this too. This book mixes that with discussion of the police code of silence when it comes to another cop’s wrongdoings.
It's reading these older books that reminds me that while we live in an age where more of society seems to accept sexual and racial diversity in police and military, it's a very recent development. Moreover, in various parts of the world, such prejudice still exist.
It's reading these older books that reminds me that while we live in an age where more of society seems to accept sexual and racial diversity in police and military, it's a very recent development. Moreover, in various parts of the world, such prejudice still exist.
January 31, 2016
Solid crime novel with some historical content. It was very interesting to lean about some of the inner workings of old school LAPD, specifically in relation to gay and lesbian cops, while being on this adventure. Detective Delafield is asked to represent a cop accused of murder, who is considered an outsider within the police force, while at the same time dealing with her own troubles and demons.
The characters have so much depth, I felt like I knew them and the story was so descriptive I could picture that nasty dark alley and the surrounding buildings. In fact I felt like I was the detective in the story trying to piece together the events of that night. The amount of twists and turns only aided in the enjoyment of the book, keeping me alert as to not miss a key piece of evidence or hints of any kind. Even with my diligent reading, the last quarter of the book took me by storm. I absolutely could not have predicted such complexity.
Possibly one of the best things about the book is there are no loose ends. Except perhaps not knowing what the future held for gay and lesbian LAPD cops without doing a little current research. The last few sentences left me true awe and gave me another reason to love Detective Delafield.
I give this book 5 out of 5 stars and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys crime fiction with perhaps a little truth.
The characters have so much depth, I felt like I knew them and the story was so descriptive I could picture that nasty dark alley and the surrounding buildings. In fact I felt like I was the detective in the story trying to piece together the events of that night. The amount of twists and turns only aided in the enjoyment of the book, keeping me alert as to not miss a key piece of evidence or hints of any kind. Even with my diligent reading, the last quarter of the book took me by storm. I absolutely could not have predicted such complexity.
Possibly one of the best things about the book is there are no loose ends. Except perhaps not knowing what the future held for gay and lesbian LAPD cops without doing a little current research. The last few sentences left me true awe and gave me another reason to love Detective Delafield.
I give this book 5 out of 5 stars and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys crime fiction with perhaps a little truth.
June 6, 2024
That was definitely good. Forcing ppl out of the closet though, that's not good.
November 7, 2013
A team of officers is moving in on an apartment in a routine drug bust when things go horribly awry and LAPD Homicide Detective Kate Delafield is shot in the shoulder. As it turns out, the bullet was fired by one of her own team. Even though it appears that the shooting was accidental, Kate is removed from duty and put on leave until a psychologist gives her the OK to return to work. In truth, this is more of an injury to Kate than her physical wound since she is expected to reveal details of her private life. Kate is a lesbian living with her life partner, Aimee, a fact that she would prefer not to be known among her co-workers. Little does she know, but others are beginning to peek into her closet.
Kate's mind is taken off her problems when a fellow officer by the name of
Luke Taggart requests that she be his defense rep. Tag is in disgrace on the
force, mostly because he broke the "Code of Silence" to report on some
internal funny business a few years earlier. This earned him the hatred of
many. Now it looks like he shot an unarmed man. By department policy, he
has the right to select any other officer on the force to aid him in his defense, and he selects Kate. She's initially repelled by him, only to begin to find some merit in what he is saying. He witnessed a drug deal and then saw the buyer grab a woman and pull her into a destitute spot known as "Apparition Alley". When Tag went into the alley, which was a dead end, all he found was the body of another man. The other 2 people had disappeared into nowhere. The official line is that he is a rotten cop who pursued an unarmed suspect into a dead-end alley and blew him away. Tag is certain that he is being set up by the cops. He also feels that his former partner was killed by cops. According to Tag, they made it look like a convenience store robbery, but Tony Ferrara was killed before anyone even tried to rob the place.
As Kate begins to investigate Taggart's stories, she discovers that Tony
was gay and that he had been planning to out himself on the job. This was a
difficult and courageous decision, because the LAPD was a deeply
homophobic organization, and his life would have been hell as a result. Kate
also finds out that Tony put together a list of hundreds of other gay and
lesbian cops who were still closeted, and her name is at the top of the list. It
was his plan to make this list public. Was he killed because of his sexuality?
And was Kate shot by a fellow officer because she is a lesbian?
Taggart is an infuriating person to try to help, because he often withholds
information from Kate or deliberately misdirects her. In the end, though, she
uncovers what really transpired, and it's a shocker. She's also faced with a
major moral decision when she finds out where Tony's list of gay and
lesbian cops is housed. Should she reveal it as Tony intended? Or should
she continue to protect the privacy of hundreds of people, including herself,
and perpetrate the ongoing mistreatment of people with a different sexual
orientation?
Forrest has done an extraordinary job of building a complex plot that
ultimately surprises the reader. The book is a solid police procedural with a
well-grounded lead character. Forrest excels in several other areas as well.
She depicts the Los Angeles setting perfectly. She also integrates real
historical events into the story which gives the book a feeling of reality. The
narrative has many layers, each of which contributes to creating an excellent
book.
Kate's mind is taken off her problems when a fellow officer by the name of
Luke Taggart requests that she be his defense rep. Tag is in disgrace on the
force, mostly because he broke the "Code of Silence" to report on some
internal funny business a few years earlier. This earned him the hatred of
many. Now it looks like he shot an unarmed man. By department policy, he
has the right to select any other officer on the force to aid him in his defense, and he selects Kate. She's initially repelled by him, only to begin to find some merit in what he is saying. He witnessed a drug deal and then saw the buyer grab a woman and pull her into a destitute spot known as "Apparition Alley". When Tag went into the alley, which was a dead end, all he found was the body of another man. The other 2 people had disappeared into nowhere. The official line is that he is a rotten cop who pursued an unarmed suspect into a dead-end alley and blew him away. Tag is certain that he is being set up by the cops. He also feels that his former partner was killed by cops. According to Tag, they made it look like a convenience store robbery, but Tony Ferrara was killed before anyone even tried to rob the place.
As Kate begins to investigate Taggart's stories, she discovers that Tony
was gay and that he had been planning to out himself on the job. This was a
difficult and courageous decision, because the LAPD was a deeply
homophobic organization, and his life would have been hell as a result. Kate
also finds out that Tony put together a list of hundreds of other gay and
lesbian cops who were still closeted, and her name is at the top of the list. It
was his plan to make this list public. Was he killed because of his sexuality?
And was Kate shot by a fellow officer because she is a lesbian?
Taggart is an infuriating person to try to help, because he often withholds
information from Kate or deliberately misdirects her. In the end, though, she
uncovers what really transpired, and it's a shocker. She's also faced with a
major moral decision when she finds out where Tony's list of gay and
lesbian cops is housed. Should she reveal it as Tony intended? Or should
she continue to protect the privacy of hundreds of people, including herself,
and perpetrate the ongoing mistreatment of people with a different sexual
orientation?
Forrest has done an extraordinary job of building a complex plot that
ultimately surprises the reader. The book is a solid police procedural with a
well-grounded lead character. Forrest excels in several other areas as well.
She depicts the Los Angeles setting perfectly. She also integrates real
historical events into the story which gives the book a feeling of reality. The
narrative has many layers, each of which contributes to creating an excellent
book.
Read
June 18, 2020It’s like someone came up to Katherine V. Forrest and said, “Betcha can’t write a novel called “Apparition Alley.” So Forrest took on the challenge and concocted a scenario in which a suspected rogue cop asks Detective Kate Delafield to represent him in an internal investigation. Seems he is accused of shooting an unarmed man in an alley. In his defense, he tells her that he was pursuing a couple of drug dealers into the alley, but when he went in after them they had simply disappeared, like apparitions.
When Kate, who is recovering from a gunshot wound suffered in an arrest gone awry, unhappily investigates the crime, she finds out plenty that she didn’t want to know. First of all, she begins to like Luke Taggart, the man she is trying to help, even though he has a bad reputation for causing trouble within the department. He also claims that his own partner was shot outside a convenience store just before he was going to “out” both himself and a number of other closeted gays within the LAPD, including Kate herself.
Trouble is, even though Tag is one of the good guys, he continually lies to Kate about what went on in that alley, making it virtually impossible to defend him. And not only does he admit that he lied about seeing the drug dealers go into the alley (invalidating the book’s title), but he lies about what really happened. More than once. Now if a person is guilty, there is no problem if he lies. But Tag has absolutely no reason to lie about what happened that night and every reason not to. It simply makes no sense, but it is interesting how Kate determines that he has, in fact, been lying.
Forrest’s real message in the book, though, concerns the homophobia that exists within the law enforcement agencies in even the most progressive towns. It explains a lot about why Kate is so reluctant to come out as a lesbian within the department. It is even hinted that Kate was shot be one of her own team because it was learned she was gay. Heady stuff; enough to make you wonder why any gay person would choose to become a cop, and more than enough to give you the utmost respect for those who do.
I have not read a bad Kate Delafield mystery. Despite the odd plot device of the lying good guy, this one has a lot of plusses. The mysteries are good ones, well solved. Although Kate’s partner Aimee remains kind of a cipher, the character of Luke Taggart is a good one and I enjoyed their clashes. Recommended, with caveats.
Final Rating: 4.2
Another Note: This review is included in my book The Art of the Lesbian Mystery Novel, along with information on over 930 other lesbian mysteries by over 310 authors.
When Kate, who is recovering from a gunshot wound suffered in an arrest gone awry, unhappily investigates the crime, she finds out plenty that she didn’t want to know. First of all, she begins to like Luke Taggart, the man she is trying to help, even though he has a bad reputation for causing trouble within the department. He also claims that his own partner was shot outside a convenience store just before he was going to “out” both himself and a number of other closeted gays within the LAPD, including Kate herself.
Trouble is, even though Tag is one of the good guys, he continually lies to Kate about what went on in that alley, making it virtually impossible to defend him. And not only does he admit that he lied about seeing the drug dealers go into the alley (invalidating the book’s title), but he lies about what really happened. More than once. Now if a person is guilty, there is no problem if he lies. But Tag has absolutely no reason to lie about what happened that night and every reason not to. It simply makes no sense, but it is interesting how Kate determines that he has, in fact, been lying.
Forrest’s real message in the book, though, concerns the homophobia that exists within the law enforcement agencies in even the most progressive towns. It explains a lot about why Kate is so reluctant to come out as a lesbian within the department. It is even hinted that Kate was shot be one of her own team because it was learned she was gay. Heady stuff; enough to make you wonder why any gay person would choose to become a cop, and more than enough to give you the utmost respect for those who do.
I have not read a bad Kate Delafield mystery. Despite the odd plot device of the lying good guy, this one has a lot of plusses. The mysteries are good ones, well solved. Although Kate’s partner Aimee remains kind of a cipher, the character of Luke Taggart is a good one and I enjoyed their clashes. Recommended, with caveats.
Final Rating: 4.2
Another Note: This review is included in my book The Art of the Lesbian Mystery Novel, along with information on over 930 other lesbian mysteries by over 310 authors.
July 21, 2025
UPDATE @ 2h05:30 (24%)
This is an interesting one. I'm listening b/c - well, I found it in the same searching I did that turned up Bury Me When I'm Dead. I'm listening b/c I borrowed it from Hoopla b4 I reached the monthly limit, so I thought I might as well listen (esp b4 it gets returned). And b/c I wanted something easy to listen to while driving around Indy and then home. I ended up starting it while I was waiting at Hanger - lots of waiting there. Earbuds FTW 🥳🎧
I recognized the name of this author but can't remember the book I know her for. It's one of the early lesbian book (from the 70s? 80s?) that I tried to read and it didn't really do it for me. As I was driving I wondered when this one was published so I'm happy to be home where I can look that up. They talk about OJ Simpson and Rodney King so maybe late 90s?
OK - author wrote Curious Wine which is in my "Want to Read" list. I didn't realize this book is #6 in the series! Maybe I'll go back and start at #1 when I finish. We'll see. Looks like there are 10 Kate Delafield books. This one was published in 1997. The first was written in - well, published in - 1984. #10 is 2022. Wow! Wide spread. "Curious Wine" was published in 1983.
What I'm hearing in this book is a lot of old-school lesbian guardedness - you have to keep it a secret or else you'll lose your job - ("old school" meaning what I grew up seeing modeled for me) - so that's... a blast from the past. And also. I can see how it makes a person suspicious of the whole world. B/c you're experiencing this secret life inside you that no one else can see. Except your other lesbian friends. It's not really *gaslighting* yourself... But... You're definitely telling yourself you're DIFFERENT and that NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND. Feeling misunderstood, I suppose. And constantly under threat. For being who you are. That's a LOT of stress. Esp for me to have witnessed as a kiddo and expected that to be my future. Which, it sort of was.
What I'm also hearing - from the protagonist (Kate) - is a need to prove herself. To be TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH. To not EVER *appear* weak. I.e., to fulfill expectations someone ELSE (ahem - men - ahem) have set. She has to beat them at their own game. In order to earn her place. Well, not even EARN her place. In order to KEEP the place she's constantly having to prove she's good enough to deserve. That is *also* a LOT of stress. And *also* something I VERY MUCH experienced in the 90s. Pushing. And kind of - looking for that safety. Like - if I can show that I'm tougher than ANYONE else - then I'll be safe. Who am I showing that to, tho? Myself, really. Something to think abt.
But I def went all in w/ the "I'm super tough; look at me muscling thru all kinds of hardship that no one else would be able to support." Which contributes to the "I'm gay and different and misunderstood" narrative, b/c then you ALSO have this idea of "I'm so tough and have these experiences that no one else could possibly understand." Like, were I to TELL them what I've seen they would collapse. I'm *so* tough it's like I"m experiencing a totally different part of the world compared to everyone else. It's a burden, this toughness. You end up seeing things no human should see. Or wants to see. But there it is.
I think this is b/c I *had* to be so strong / tough as a kid. That it was a natural outgrowth. B/c it's more a narrative I told myself. When joining the fire department, for example. *Some* of that was to show others I was strong. But I think I tried to convince myself: look at how impermeable I am. The things that have hurt me - that *WOULD* have hurt a *normal* person - don't hurt me, tho. B/c I'm so strong. Water off a duck's back. My childhood - rape - meh. NBD. B/c I'm TOUGH. It was a way to keep my heart far away from myself. My very, very wounded heart.
That's the 3rd thing I'm seeing. Is how the police force (or fire dept, or, to some extent, Peace Corps) is about turning yourself over to the larger... entity. The individual ppl IN the organization are - subservient? - to the mission of the organization. And the identity of the organization? In some ways they're interchangeable. (Like how on a fire scene ANYONE should be able to do ANY task - interchangeable.) But the more important thing I'm seeing is - that YOU aren't allowed to have any INDIVIDUAL experiences. Emotions. Trauma. Grief. Etc. All YOU have is what - what the organization *tells* you to have? But the telling isn't overt. The telling comes thru in ritual (at one point she described the comfort of a police funeral - that certain things ALWAYS happen) and also in depersonalization. Perhaps calling ppl by their last name? Barking ppl's last names at them. What happens to these PEOPLE in the organization - is their own EXPERIENCES get subsumed by the... I'm not sure how to describe. I see all these things in her session w/ the therapist, tho. Where she had walls upon walls upon walls. Some to protect her job/career from homophobia. And also some to protect herself from experiencing her emotions. "I'm tough I'm tough I'm tough" was what she was saying. "Tough ppl don't have feelings." Or maybe, "Tough ppl don't need to *deal* w/ their feelings." Idk. It was difficult to listen to the antagonistic relationship she had with the therapist. It sounded EXACTLY like something out of the 90s. And also out of my childhood. The DEEP ABYSS of mistrust. The conviction that the therapist is somehow "out to get her." By TRICKING her, somehow. 100%. Am familiar.
So far I've bookmarked 2 quotes I want to transcribe... Maybe I will later. Anyway - Kate is kind of a bitch, tho. I mean, she's unlikable. I mean, *I* do not like her. She's obnoxious and NOT at ALL kind to her partner. So it's a difficult listen. But now she's talking with this other cop abt how he was set up... He thinks he was. It's maybe starting to get interesting? Totes would NOT have made it this far, tho, if the main character weren't a lesbian. Lesbians are the best.
UPDATE @ END (6/4)
I couldn't sleep last night b/c I was hungry which was 100% absolutely fine b/c it meant I could keep listening to this book. It got GOOD. It's well-written. Good language (words), good plot, good character development. Five stars. Didn't expect that when I started listening. I love to be happily surprised 🎊🙃
There were some plot twists... that I wasn't expecting. This wasn't a whodunit so much as a... profile? Of the L.A.P.D. Sort of. I looked up the writer; I don't think she has a background in law enforcement. I'm so curious how crime / police procedural writers learn about police culture enough to be able to set their books in that landscape.
I'm looking at the descriptions of the other books in the series on Goodreads - they mostly seem to be murder investigations (unlike this book) except #9. And then #10 opens up a murder investigation that started in #2. So. There are some possibilities. (Hmm... altho Hoopla doesn't have #9 they *do* have #10. BARD has #9!!)
Part of what I enjoyed abt this story was the 1990s time capsule. It's helpful to see where I come from, if that makes sense. The culture I was swimming in when *I* was realizing I was gay. That helps me understand how I got to where I am now. Here to there. (So we'll see what I think abt #9 and #10, published in 2013 and 2022, respectively.)
Another part I liked was how direct Kate was. She stood up to bigotry and hate SO. WELL. It was a pleasure to watch and also a pleasure to set that bar so high. It's possible! To stand your ground. Even tho inside you're falling apart. IDK - obvs she's not as frightened by confrontation as I am. Still. I liked watching her interactions. Not so much seeing her put ppl in their place but rather seeing her stand up for herself.
The parts where she's in therapy were used very well. Often those scenes in books can be kind of gimmicky. These were not. The final therapy session was a little rough around the edges - the therapist felt like a v different person than she had previously - and she kept making generalizations like "you police all..." which I feel like she would have known better than to do. However. The rest of the book was SO. GOOD. And the information being conveyed in that final session was compelling. All enough that it's OK that it didn't feel as good as the rest of the book.
The narrator was SPECTACULAR. I liked her cadence and I liked all the voices (pitches) and accents she did.
There are 2 ideas I want to think more critically / personally about.
First - gender identity confusion. I'd forgotten that back in the 90s we understood that gender and sex were different, and there was *kind of* an awareness that gender identity and sexual orientation weren't the same thing, but nonetheless. That like was pretty blurry. B/t sexual orientation and gender identity. B/c of ideas that "all lesbians are dykes" (i.e., look like men) or that b/c lesbians want to have sex w/ other women they must think they're men. Or they have to act like men. It's a lot of shit that got heaped on the queer community from without - straight ppl ascribing their own sense-making based on straight-ppl experiences - but it was internalized in the queer community, too, where it festered and was perpetuated (e.g., the butch/femme binary). So having grown up w/ those misguided ideas - but they were the closest I had to where *I* felt in terms of gender - it makes sense I was (and have been) confused. B/c I didn't want to present like a dude, so thru process of elimination that left... girl. Lipstick lesbian. Femme. Except I wasn't that, either. But if *those* were my choices... then. Well. Yeah.
Second - I bookmarked a passage at 7h31:30 where Kate is talking w/ her bestie, Maggie, re: a *hypothetical* list of queer public figures that might get released. Would that be the right thing to do? I'm not going to transcribe the dialogue b/c it's more the idea I'm after - an idea that was espoused at least 1ce before in the book (by the therapist, IIRC). The idea is another 90s one - that we have a RESPONSIBILITY to come out so we can make things better for the kids coming up behind us. I remember hearing this a LOT. So much pressure to come out b/c it will make the world better. "The personal is political." Again - that sublimation of individual situations and needs in favor of serving a higher order - which I described yday re: members of the police force - but it's also happening here. And obv a HUGE fallacy abt hearing this in the 90s was that WE WERE THE CHILDREN WHO WERE COMING UP that the OLDER queers were supposed to be coming out for. But somehow we missed that?! We thot we were so old. Maybe partly in the way all teenagers do. But I think also b/c there WASN'T support from the older queers. I wasn't aware of it, at least. The older queers at Iowa were predatory and gross. The rest of them kept to themselves. I remember Ms. Gump at JMM - but IDK what her sexual orientation was (for some reason I always thot she had a male partner? So even if she was bi, or a super committed straight ally, she wasn't able to MODEL what being a grown-up lesbian looked like.)
Anyway. Yes. It was a confusing story to hear b/c *we* assumed the role of the grownups - ready to protect and mentor those *even younger* than US - b/c these ppl *talking* abt coming out in order to pave the way for the next generation weren't really there. Which is, in general, a complaint I have abt the Baby Boomers - all that fucking talk of "We burned our bras so YOU have hold jobs and have credit cards - therefore BE GRATEFUL." Fuck off. Yes, sure, there was some courageousness. But they did all that shit 100% for themselves. Esp the white ones. As soon as they got the power they wanted they took it for themselves and scarpered. All the while telling us we owed them. BULL. SHIT. Fucking Boomers.
And also the pressure to come out. It was pervasive. Incl a lot of talk like, "I won't date anyone who's not out to their family b/c I don't want to be less than who I am." And then pressuring significant others to come out. And all the coming out celebrations! Like it was just a matter of opening your mouth and saying the words. It was not. Words are just words. But it was the words that got celebrated. I, however, who was called courageous over and over (b/c of the words!) - I did not have the support I needed to STAY out. It was a weird... duality? Bifurcation. That I was *read* as strong and courageous b/c I was willing to SPEAK - but I didn't know how to act. And I didn't know how to make the words real. How to put action, behavior, etc. behind the words. To inflate them and make them stay. Instead they blew away w/ the first gust of wind.
I remember watching an "Ask your lesbian moms" episode on Jessica Kellgren-Fozard's YouTube channel where both she and Claudia stressed the IMPORTANCE of ONLY coming out if/when it was safe. That was utterly foreign to me. You mean I DON'T *owe* anything to the larger cause? I'm not forever living under the shadow of heroic foremothers who made sacrifices so that *I* could have the privileges and ease I currently enjoy? I *don't* need to turn my personal experience into a political statement? I'm allowed to own my private individuality? I can look after my own needs - put my needs before the imagined legacy of some historical / cultural fiction? I was stunned. These were completely new ideas. That felt so good! And reasonable! And... doable. Achievable. Exactly what I'd needed all along.
PS (7/20) - I've been carrying around a Post-It in my journal for several weeks that's a reminder to add some info here. It's less immediate for me now - not as charged - but I'll try to capture the idea nevertheless. After going down the road w/ all these memories, of being queer in the 90s, I also remembered a moment in Iowa City when I was walking - past the Planned Parenthood building, IIRC - and thinking abt something Matt - no, Dave - Dave? the one w/ glasses - anyway he'd said something like, "We're second-class citizens" (b/c we're gay) and had a list of 200+ or 300+ rights we DON'T get that straight ppl DO. When he said it I was all, "Pshaw." But I have this memory of walking on the sidewalk in Iowa City, and it was cold, and there was gross dirty snow on the ground - so maybe late January? early February? and thinking, "Huh, no, he's right. In the eyes of the government I am less than."
This was difficult, I can see now, b/c of (1) the self-aggrandizement I inherited from Mom (entitlement; idea that she's better than everyone else so therefore *I* am, too) - I couldn't allow myself to be anything but the BEST b/c I couldn't let Mom down, and here I was being so far from the best which would crush her and (2) in addition to telling me I was more special than everyone else Mom *also* told me I was worthless so I didn't like having my worth-less-than status confirmed by laws. Therefore - b/t #1 and #2, terror on both ends - terror of letting Mom down and terror of being found out as undeserving. 2 ways it felt unsafe. In addition to the unsafe we *all* felt as queer ppl who weren't guaranteed the same protections and rights as the straights - who couldn't dream abt the same kind of future that straight ppl could, and that we'd been raised to believe would be ours.
Anyway on the Post-It I'm wondering to what extent being a 2nd-class citizen figured into my hesitancy to embrace my queer identity... and then, ultimately, my subsequent rejection.
Passages I bookmarked:
1h20 (15%) - Civilians were the real amateurs. They thought carrying a gun afforded them personal protection when the truth was they risked worse trouble. A civilian pulling out a gun was no different from somebody commandeering a fire truck to put out their house fire without any concept of how to handle a fire hose or attack a fire.
2h04 (24%) - San Francisco, to the north, with its fully integrated police force, proved nothing. Everybody knew it was a freakish, undisciplined city of fruitcakes and nutballs. [re: being an out cop on the L.A.P.D.]
6h32:30 (77%) - convo b/t Kate and her therapist:
"I know better than anyone that there are no guarantees abt anything in this life."
"Lip service. You're speaking from your intellect, Kate, not your emotions. You conduct your life as if you're trying to guarantee what can't be guaranteed. You spend your present guarding against a future that's rooted in your past. Every day of your professional life reinforces that. . . . Death is what orients you. Every day on your job you witness the emotional cost of someone's death on the living. Because of what's happened in your past every day you learn all over again that you need to shut down to protect yourself from any more pain. Your intimate knowledge of the cost of death has closed you down." [emphasis mine]
8h04 (94%) - What planet was he living on? Kate wondered. Then she answered her own questions. The planet heterosexual. 🤣😂🤣
This is an interesting one. I'm listening b/c - well, I found it in the same searching I did that turned up Bury Me When I'm Dead. I'm listening b/c I borrowed it from Hoopla b4 I reached the monthly limit, so I thought I might as well listen (esp b4 it gets returned). And b/c I wanted something easy to listen to while driving around Indy and then home. I ended up starting it while I was waiting at Hanger - lots of waiting there. Earbuds FTW 🥳🎧
I recognized the name of this author but can't remember the book I know her for. It's one of the early lesbian book (from the 70s? 80s?) that I tried to read and it didn't really do it for me. As I was driving I wondered when this one was published so I'm happy to be home where I can look that up. They talk about OJ Simpson and Rodney King so maybe late 90s?
OK - author wrote Curious Wine which is in my "Want to Read" list. I didn't realize this book is #6 in the series! Maybe I'll go back and start at #1 when I finish. We'll see. Looks like there are 10 Kate Delafield books. This one was published in 1997. The first was written in - well, published in - 1984. #10 is 2022. Wow! Wide spread. "Curious Wine" was published in 1983.
What I'm hearing in this book is a lot of old-school lesbian guardedness - you have to keep it a secret or else you'll lose your job - ("old school" meaning what I grew up seeing modeled for me) - so that's... a blast from the past. And also. I can see how it makes a person suspicious of the whole world. B/c you're experiencing this secret life inside you that no one else can see. Except your other lesbian friends. It's not really *gaslighting* yourself... But... You're definitely telling yourself you're DIFFERENT and that NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND. Feeling misunderstood, I suppose. And constantly under threat. For being who you are. That's a LOT of stress. Esp for me to have witnessed as a kiddo and expected that to be my future. Which, it sort of was.
What I'm also hearing - from the protagonist (Kate) - is a need to prove herself. To be TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH. To not EVER *appear* weak. I.e., to fulfill expectations someone ELSE (ahem - men - ahem) have set. She has to beat them at their own game. In order to earn her place. Well, not even EARN her place. In order to KEEP the place she's constantly having to prove she's good enough to deserve. That is *also* a LOT of stress. And *also* something I VERY MUCH experienced in the 90s. Pushing. And kind of - looking for that safety. Like - if I can show that I'm tougher than ANYONE else - then I'll be safe. Who am I showing that to, tho? Myself, really. Something to think abt.
But I def went all in w/ the "I'm super tough; look at me muscling thru all kinds of hardship that no one else would be able to support." Which contributes to the "I'm gay and different and misunderstood" narrative, b/c then you ALSO have this idea of "I'm so tough and have these experiences that no one else could possibly understand." Like, were I to TELL them what I've seen they would collapse. I'm *so* tough it's like I"m experiencing a totally different part of the world compared to everyone else. It's a burden, this toughness. You end up seeing things no human should see. Or wants to see. But there it is.
I think this is b/c I *had* to be so strong / tough as a kid. That it was a natural outgrowth. B/c it's more a narrative I told myself. When joining the fire department, for example. *Some* of that was to show others I was strong. But I think I tried to convince myself: look at how impermeable I am. The things that have hurt me - that *WOULD* have hurt a *normal* person - don't hurt me, tho. B/c I'm so strong. Water off a duck's back. My childhood - rape - meh. NBD. B/c I'm TOUGH. It was a way to keep my heart far away from myself. My very, very wounded heart.
That's the 3rd thing I'm seeing. Is how the police force (or fire dept, or, to some extent, Peace Corps) is about turning yourself over to the larger... entity. The individual ppl IN the organization are - subservient? - to the mission of the organization. And the identity of the organization? In some ways they're interchangeable. (Like how on a fire scene ANYONE should be able to do ANY task - interchangeable.) But the more important thing I'm seeing is - that YOU aren't allowed to have any INDIVIDUAL experiences. Emotions. Trauma. Grief. Etc. All YOU have is what - what the organization *tells* you to have? But the telling isn't overt. The telling comes thru in ritual (at one point she described the comfort of a police funeral - that certain things ALWAYS happen) and also in depersonalization. Perhaps calling ppl by their last name? Barking ppl's last names at them. What happens to these PEOPLE in the organization - is their own EXPERIENCES get subsumed by the... I'm not sure how to describe. I see all these things in her session w/ the therapist, tho. Where she had walls upon walls upon walls. Some to protect her job/career from homophobia. And also some to protect herself from experiencing her emotions. "I'm tough I'm tough I'm tough" was what she was saying. "Tough ppl don't have feelings." Or maybe, "Tough ppl don't need to *deal* w/ their feelings." Idk. It was difficult to listen to the antagonistic relationship she had with the therapist. It sounded EXACTLY like something out of the 90s. And also out of my childhood. The DEEP ABYSS of mistrust. The conviction that the therapist is somehow "out to get her." By TRICKING her, somehow. 100%. Am familiar.
So far I've bookmarked 2 quotes I want to transcribe... Maybe I will later. Anyway - Kate is kind of a bitch, tho. I mean, she's unlikable. I mean, *I* do not like her. She's obnoxious and NOT at ALL kind to her partner. So it's a difficult listen. But now she's talking with this other cop abt how he was set up... He thinks he was. It's maybe starting to get interesting? Totes would NOT have made it this far, tho, if the main character weren't a lesbian. Lesbians are the best.
UPDATE @ END (6/4)
I couldn't sleep last night b/c I was hungry which was 100% absolutely fine b/c it meant I could keep listening to this book. It got GOOD. It's well-written. Good language (words), good plot, good character development. Five stars. Didn't expect that when I started listening. I love to be happily surprised 🎊🙃
There were some plot twists... that I wasn't expecting. This wasn't a whodunit so much as a... profile? Of the L.A.P.D. Sort of. I looked up the writer; I don't think she has a background in law enforcement. I'm so curious how crime / police procedural writers learn about police culture enough to be able to set their books in that landscape.
I'm looking at the descriptions of the other books in the series on Goodreads - they mostly seem to be murder investigations (unlike this book) except #9. And then #10 opens up a murder investigation that started in #2. So. There are some possibilities. (Hmm... altho Hoopla doesn't have #9 they *do* have #10. BARD has #9!!)
Part of what I enjoyed abt this story was the 1990s time capsule. It's helpful to see where I come from, if that makes sense. The culture I was swimming in when *I* was realizing I was gay. That helps me understand how I got to where I am now. Here to there. (So we'll see what I think abt #9 and #10, published in 2013 and 2022, respectively.)
Another part I liked was how direct Kate was. She stood up to bigotry and hate SO. WELL. It was a pleasure to watch and also a pleasure to set that bar so high. It's possible! To stand your ground. Even tho inside you're falling apart. IDK - obvs she's not as frightened by confrontation as I am. Still. I liked watching her interactions. Not so much seeing her put ppl in their place but rather seeing her stand up for herself.
The parts where she's in therapy were used very well. Often those scenes in books can be kind of gimmicky. These were not. The final therapy session was a little rough around the edges - the therapist felt like a v different person than she had previously - and she kept making generalizations like "you police all..." which I feel like she would have known better than to do. However. The rest of the book was SO. GOOD. And the information being conveyed in that final session was compelling. All enough that it's OK that it didn't feel as good as the rest of the book.
The narrator was SPECTACULAR. I liked her cadence and I liked all the voices (pitches) and accents she did.
There are 2 ideas I want to think more critically / personally about.
First - gender identity confusion. I'd forgotten that back in the 90s we understood that gender and sex were different, and there was *kind of* an awareness that gender identity and sexual orientation weren't the same thing, but nonetheless. That like was pretty blurry. B/t sexual orientation and gender identity. B/c of ideas that "all lesbians are dykes" (i.e., look like men) or that b/c lesbians want to have sex w/ other women they must think they're men. Or they have to act like men. It's a lot of shit that got heaped on the queer community from without - straight ppl ascribing their own sense-making based on straight-ppl experiences - but it was internalized in the queer community, too, where it festered and was perpetuated (e.g., the butch/femme binary). So having grown up w/ those misguided ideas - but they were the closest I had to where *I* felt in terms of gender - it makes sense I was (and have been) confused. B/c I didn't want to present like a dude, so thru process of elimination that left... girl. Lipstick lesbian. Femme. Except I wasn't that, either. But if *those* were my choices... then. Well. Yeah.
Second - I bookmarked a passage at 7h31:30 where Kate is talking w/ her bestie, Maggie, re: a *hypothetical* list of queer public figures that might get released. Would that be the right thing to do? I'm not going to transcribe the dialogue b/c it's more the idea I'm after - an idea that was espoused at least 1ce before in the book (by the therapist, IIRC). The idea is another 90s one - that we have a RESPONSIBILITY to come out so we can make things better for the kids coming up behind us. I remember hearing this a LOT. So much pressure to come out b/c it will make the world better. "The personal is political." Again - that sublimation of individual situations and needs in favor of serving a higher order - which I described yday re: members of the police force - but it's also happening here. And obv a HUGE fallacy abt hearing this in the 90s was that WE WERE THE CHILDREN WHO WERE COMING UP that the OLDER queers were supposed to be coming out for. But somehow we missed that?! We thot we were so old. Maybe partly in the way all teenagers do. But I think also b/c there WASN'T support from the older queers. I wasn't aware of it, at least. The older queers at Iowa were predatory and gross. The rest of them kept to themselves. I remember Ms. Gump at JMM - but IDK what her sexual orientation was (for some reason I always thot she had a male partner? So even if she was bi, or a super committed straight ally, she wasn't able to MODEL what being a grown-up lesbian looked like.)
Anyway. Yes. It was a confusing story to hear b/c *we* assumed the role of the grownups - ready to protect and mentor those *even younger* than US - b/c these ppl *talking* abt coming out in order to pave the way for the next generation weren't really there. Which is, in general, a complaint I have abt the Baby Boomers - all that fucking talk of "We burned our bras so YOU have hold jobs and have credit cards - therefore BE GRATEFUL." Fuck off. Yes, sure, there was some courageousness. But they did all that shit 100% for themselves. Esp the white ones. As soon as they got the power they wanted they took it for themselves and scarpered. All the while telling us we owed them. BULL. SHIT. Fucking Boomers.
And also the pressure to come out. It was pervasive. Incl a lot of talk like, "I won't date anyone who's not out to their family b/c I don't want to be less than who I am." And then pressuring significant others to come out. And all the coming out celebrations! Like it was just a matter of opening your mouth and saying the words. It was not. Words are just words. But it was the words that got celebrated. I, however, who was called courageous over and over (b/c of the words!) - I did not have the support I needed to STAY out. It was a weird... duality? Bifurcation. That I was *read* as strong and courageous b/c I was willing to SPEAK - but I didn't know how to act. And I didn't know how to make the words real. How to put action, behavior, etc. behind the words. To inflate them and make them stay. Instead they blew away w/ the first gust of wind.
I remember watching an "Ask your lesbian moms" episode on Jessica Kellgren-Fozard's YouTube channel where both she and Claudia stressed the IMPORTANCE of ONLY coming out if/when it was safe. That was utterly foreign to me. You mean I DON'T *owe* anything to the larger cause? I'm not forever living under the shadow of heroic foremothers who made sacrifices so that *I* could have the privileges and ease I currently enjoy? I *don't* need to turn my personal experience into a political statement? I'm allowed to own my private individuality? I can look after my own needs - put my needs before the imagined legacy of some historical / cultural fiction? I was stunned. These were completely new ideas. That felt so good! And reasonable! And... doable. Achievable. Exactly what I'd needed all along.
PS (7/20) - I've been carrying around a Post-It in my journal for several weeks that's a reminder to add some info here. It's less immediate for me now - not as charged - but I'll try to capture the idea nevertheless. After going down the road w/ all these memories, of being queer in the 90s, I also remembered a moment in Iowa City when I was walking - past the Planned Parenthood building, IIRC - and thinking abt something Matt - no, Dave - Dave? the one w/ glasses - anyway he'd said something like, "We're second-class citizens" (b/c we're gay) and had a list of 200+ or 300+ rights we DON'T get that straight ppl DO. When he said it I was all, "Pshaw." But I have this memory of walking on the sidewalk in Iowa City, and it was cold, and there was gross dirty snow on the ground - so maybe late January? early February? and thinking, "Huh, no, he's right. In the eyes of the government I am less than."
This was difficult, I can see now, b/c of (1) the self-aggrandizement I inherited from Mom (entitlement; idea that she's better than everyone else so therefore *I* am, too) - I couldn't allow myself to be anything but the BEST b/c I couldn't let Mom down, and here I was being so far from the best which would crush her and (2) in addition to telling me I was more special than everyone else Mom *also* told me I was worthless so I didn't like having my worth-less-than status confirmed by laws. Therefore - b/t #1 and #2, terror on both ends - terror of letting Mom down and terror of being found out as undeserving. 2 ways it felt unsafe. In addition to the unsafe we *all* felt as queer ppl who weren't guaranteed the same protections and rights as the straights - who couldn't dream abt the same kind of future that straight ppl could, and that we'd been raised to believe would be ours.
Anyway on the Post-It I'm wondering to what extent being a 2nd-class citizen figured into my hesitancy to embrace my queer identity... and then, ultimately, my subsequent rejection.
Passages I bookmarked:
1h20 (15%) - Civilians were the real amateurs. They thought carrying a gun afforded them personal protection when the truth was they risked worse trouble. A civilian pulling out a gun was no different from somebody commandeering a fire truck to put out their house fire without any concept of how to handle a fire hose or attack a fire.
2h04 (24%) - San Francisco, to the north, with its fully integrated police force, proved nothing. Everybody knew it was a freakish, undisciplined city of fruitcakes and nutballs. [re: being an out cop on the L.A.P.D.]
6h32:30 (77%) - convo b/t Kate and her therapist:
"I know better than anyone that there are no guarantees abt anything in this life."
"Lip service. You're speaking from your intellect, Kate, not your emotions. You conduct your life as if you're trying to guarantee what can't be guaranteed. You spend your present guarding against a future that's rooted in your past. Every day of your professional life reinforces that. . . . Death is what orients you. Every day on your job you witness the emotional cost of someone's death on the living. Because of what's happened in your past every day you learn all over again that you need to shut down to protect yourself from any more pain. Your intimate knowledge of the cost of death has closed you down." [emphasis mine]
8h04 (94%) - What planet was he living on? Kate wondered. Then she answered her own questions. The planet heterosexual. 🤣😂🤣
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 26, 2007
Along with Murder By Tradition, this is the best of the Kate Delafield series.
December 28, 2010
Read in Las Vegas between hangovers. Perfect poolside intrigue.
November 3, 2024
Once again, this installment is as much focusing on a LGBTQ social issue as it is about the crime.
I'm not sure if this is a glitch or a feature, but Forrest wants to link these stories so deeply with factual reality, it means the biggest issues it raises cannot be resolved. The rampant homophobia in the LAPD? One detective gets his career slapped around for being a jerk, but nothing can happen because nothing has really happened in real life up to that time. Kate remains in the functional closet although "everyone knows" even as yet another person dies in their pursuit of not hiding who they were any longer. Good readers, I give you: The protagonist.
That said, the idea that so many LGBTQ people in this story think it's better to rip people from the closet at the risk of their careers, families, and possibly lives "for the good of others" feels like punishing the victim of a crime rather than the perpetrator. Granted, Kate destroyed her copy of the list, but no one really suggested that these zealots might be hurting those they claim to want to save. All that despite the catalyst for all of it was murdered in his pursuit of that very thing.
It would seem that Forrest decided she didn't want to take the time to develop Torie, Kate's putative partner in the past two books. She hardly appeared in either book, so Kate's anger/dismay at Torie (which continues in the next book for different reasons) and Torie's tearful apology means: I feel nothing. She is a concept. I truly wish Torie had shot Kate on purpose, because it would have at least been interesting.
Instead, it appears to be accidental. Nothing to do with anything but a whoopsie. Oh, and the cop that looked like he may have been killed by another cop (gay or straight, dosen't matter) for planning to come out (and out everyone else)? What a scandal that would be! Oh, or--his brothers killed him--and this was predictable because Forrest has a tendency to give the true perps dialogue that makes it pretty clear they did it--so no scandal. No meaningful consequences.
I noted Forrest didn't seem keen on developing Torie. Well, she hasn't done Aimee any favors either. She seems to have settled into a role of an occasionally insightful, if nattering shrew. Aimee asks Kate who her day went. Kate and Aimee mostly argue. Maybe they have sex. Repeat. There is no chemistry beyond presence and proximity. Perhaps Forrest wants it to feel real and maybe it does feel like a real married couple. There's realistic that leads to drama and then there's real which leads to boring. Guess which path this one is on?
I'm not sure if this is a glitch or a feature, but Forrest wants to link these stories so deeply with factual reality, it means the biggest issues it raises cannot be resolved. The rampant homophobia in the LAPD? One detective gets his career slapped around for being a jerk, but nothing can happen because nothing has really happened in real life up to that time. Kate remains in the functional closet although "everyone knows" even as yet another person dies in their pursuit of not hiding who they were any longer. Good readers, I give you: The protagonist.
That said, the idea that so many LGBTQ people in this story think it's better to rip people from the closet at the risk of their careers, families, and possibly lives "for the good of others" feels like punishing the victim of a crime rather than the perpetrator. Granted, Kate destroyed her copy of the list, but no one really suggested that these zealots might be hurting those they claim to want to save. All that despite the catalyst for all of it was murdered in his pursuit of that very thing.
It would seem that Forrest decided she didn't want to take the time to develop Torie, Kate's putative partner in the past two books. She hardly appeared in either book, so Kate's anger/dismay at Torie (which continues in the next book for different reasons) and Torie's tearful apology means: I feel nothing. She is a concept. I truly wish Torie had shot Kate on purpose, because it would have at least been interesting.
Instead, it appears to be accidental. Nothing to do with anything but a whoopsie. Oh, and the cop that looked like he may have been killed by another cop (gay or straight, dosen't matter) for planning to come out (and out everyone else)? What a scandal that would be! Oh, or--his brothers killed him--and this was predictable because Forrest has a tendency to give the true perps dialogue that makes it pretty clear they did it--so no scandal. No meaningful consequences.
I noted Forrest didn't seem keen on developing Torie. Well, she hasn't done Aimee any favors either. She seems to have settled into a role of an occasionally insightful, if nattering shrew. Aimee asks Kate who her day went. Kate and Aimee mostly argue. Maybe they have sex. Repeat. There is no chemistry beyond presence and proximity. Perhaps Forrest wants it to feel real and maybe it does feel like a real married couple. There's realistic that leads to drama and then there's real which leads to boring. Guess which path this one is on?
April 25, 2024
Katherine Forrest has taken me on a ride once again. She had me wanting to punch Kate in her dumb face and kiss her 50 billion times all at once. Kate is written so human and I find myself trying to step into her shoes and the time period and think about what it would be like for me to be gay in the 80's and a cop. I am very excited to see where this story goes especially after the character development between Kate and Aimee in this book.
March 4, 2023
This one is interesting. Kate gets out on a list and is continually suspected to be a person named Deep Throat. For a lesbian novel this seems like a really crappy name for a secret person. We will find out how it goes for Kate for the rest of the books.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 2, 2017
It has been a long time since I read the earlier books in this series. As far as I can remember, this is one of my favorite books in the series.
June 15, 2021
I thought it would really be an indictment of the police but it wasn’t!!!!!!!! I’m annoyed lol
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 17, 2022
I really like the main character.
May 29, 2024
3 stars. Another just okay book in this series. I’m starting to think that maybe this series peaked at Murder by Tradition because these last two have been utterly forgettable and lackluster.
November 28, 2014
I have to say this wasn't as good as the previous novels in this series. The other books have all tackled a serious social issue or historical issue. This one seemed to be focusing on police corruption but did so in an odd way. The "conspiracy" seemed too far fetched to be believable and so the ending wasn't much of a surprise. It did look at the issues of homophobia in the police but it felt like it was treated in an odd way. I also really disliked the therapist and the way she talked to Kate. I could not imagine a therapist talking that much or saying such terrible things! It seemed all to be a mouthpiece rather than an actual therapy session. As much work as Katherine puts into making sure the police procedure is correct it felt really odd to have have a therapist say things like, "You are lucky I tolerate you" especially in the mid 90s! Will read the rest in the series but not rushing out to get the next one like I've done when I've finished the previous novels.
January 19, 2025
I'm enjoying re-reading this and the other books in Katherine V. Forrest's police-procedural series featuring Detective Kate Delafield. I first read these books when they were published 30 years ago. ...and since it's been so long I didn't even remember "who dun it". Anyway, the books still hold up well. Great reads!
January 4, 2012
Probably the best of the Kate Delafield series so far. Now that Ms. Forrest has a mainstream publisher, the stories are better, the editing is better, and it's just cleaner all the way around.
August 27, 2011
Ok mystery. Hated the ending.
September 10, 2016
Best one of the series so far!
August 14, 2014
didn't finish
September 15, 2014
Complex plot...engaging characters...strong, personal presentation of the challenges gay'lesbian law enforcement officers face...classic work by a pioneering author.
August 17, 2015
Very well written.
July 8, 2016
These books are societal snapshots.
Lots of references to then current events - OJ & Furhman, Rodney King, etc...
Fast read for some perspective.
Lots of references to then current events - OJ & Furhman, Rodney King, etc...
Fast read for some perspective.
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