How It Feels

by Brendan Cowell

"I had no idea how free we were. That's how free I was."
An old friend, a best friend, a first love and the dreamer Neil Cronk who connects them all...

Four schoolfriends are on the verge of adulthood and the next 12 hours will change the course of their lives... Friendships will be broken, virginity lost, love unleashed and secrets buried.
A decade later, one is dead, one is famous, two are getting married, and the truth is about to erupt.

Wildly funny, brutal, tender and true, How It Feels is a coming-of-age story set in Sydney's Sutherland Shire with stopovers in Bathurst and London. Brendan Cowell's electrifying debut novel is a devastating ode to youth, capturing the beauty of growing up by the beach, and the darkness which moves beneath its surface.
Because this is how it feels.

Genres: Contemporary, Fiction, Romance, Australia, Adolescence, Adult

371 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 2010

Reviews

[Dominica Lowe · Rating 1 out of 5]

"Swanna's eyes were somehow harmless, like cardigans"

"I half-spewed some lemon chicken and punched the wall. My fist hurt because I had just punched the wall with it"

I would have liked this book more if I didn't read it.

[Melanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

For various reasons I came to this book expecting great things, more than that, I anticipated that it would open up a bit of that magic, the kind that alters you subtly but surely among your people, so you see them all a little better. Why we place that kind of hope, and the burden of that hope on an author and his novel makes me a tad guilty, but I was so right with this book.

I read it in one sitting, overly fast, but I spent a lot of time marvelling over the rightness of the prose, the dead-on, insight, swerving or meeting head on: truck size pain, grief, madness

Not since Cloudstreet have I read, from an Australian author, a story about people and their lives so thoroughly shaped by their home and surroundings. Cronulla was the real show stealer for me.

How it Feels, as a title makes me giggle a little now that I've read the book, because now I see the words as a challenge laid down in front of the readers, and in another light it is a deceptively innocuous title. Really the novel is truly devastating, but it felt good to me all the same.

[Kee Kee · Rating 2 out of 5]

The main character is arrogant, egotistical and imploding (i.e. an arse) and it's hard to sympathise with him. I understand that the story is about intensity of youth, which can be stupid and destructive, but these things make How it feels an uncomfortable read.

I suffered through the first third of the book, waiting to understand the real motivations of Neil Cronk and his circle of troubled boys, but it became apparent midway through that they had no effing idea either. Each one is young, dumb and full of... frustration.

Then I started feeling uncomfortable because Neil's narcissism and self-indulgence reminded me of real-life men that I shouldn't have dated. But the callous errors of youth in this book are driven by more than just inexperience.

Do 30-year-old Australian men really think of women as virgin-whore even now? Do people in God's Own country really want to spend their lives making money to build two-storey houses "enormous and savage with hard lines and plenty of glass" in the street where they grew up? Something is minging in the state of the Shire. The story seemed to point to emotionally-stunted parents and a legacy of malaise that further crippled their children's lives.

Maybe I'm not male, white or Sutherland-ish enough to appreciate this story, but by the last leg I just wanted to find out how the plotlines would fuse and finish it already. The cadence (of the plot) was impressive, as were occasional gems, "There something so appalling about living, something so greedy and grotesque." And I enjoyed the insights into the Y-chromosoned brain "... I am not afraid to say that I was scared, this bus was lurching forward, lurching somewhere big and male and broken and I could feel it."

A good read for insight into male Aussie psyche. I look forward to Cowell's next one.

[Mary · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found this book to be extremely depressing. The writing seems to be really well done, and I can visualise the whole thing as it happens. I can easily see it being a movie, but the subject matter wasn't my cup of tea. It is extremely removed from my own experience of high school and being a young adult, that i couldn't relate to it. I was really glad when the book was over, just so i could put the whole experience behind me. As well written as it is, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone to read.

[Louise · Rating 2 out of 5]

A coming of age sob story about on of the most licentious and odious character I've come across yet.

How It Feels was for me, painful to read as Neil (protagonist) writes about a good decade of his life where he manages to repeatedly betray, forsake, decieve and hurt his friends who never seem to stop caring about him, although I can't imagine why. I feel like Neil's drug taking almost becomes a way to legitimise some truly inexcusable behaviour, and then I realise, drugs or not, that he was a jerk even before this time of his life. And somehow, although a large part of the hurt in his story is self inflicted, he manages to make it a self involved whining melodrama of his own suffering. It is unfortunate as almost any moment Neil experiences with heartfelt sentiment feels a little contrived and I found it difficult to believe that anyone could touch his good side in any palpable way, which threw the story into a fairly negative light throughout.

I also dislike the way Neil talks about the Sutherland Shire like its some sort of insulated 3rd world which needs to be escaped when it is in fact a relatively short train ride out of Sydney. Maybe it something I'm missing as I'm not from the area, although I know many people from the same area who have never made a point of how moving away is to 'escape' the terrible Sutherland, like it's a monumental plight.

In saying this the book was compelling enough, I wanted to see it through to the end. Cowell demonstrates some lovely writing in parts, in amongst all the ugly Aussie slanged up dialogue and I also found some of the narrative structure quite interesting. It is definitely a much more male oriented story and I wonder if this appeal is so skewed it does in fact effects the way a woman would enjoy the book over a man, although I have never had this issue with any other book before. Neil does in small moments show a bit of his kinder humanity. I suppose I was hoping for him to redeem himself in some way, I really wanted him to, but he didn't. Maybe that makes him human, but it doesn't mean I have to like him.

[Sally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hmmm, what to say about this one. I'm a little torn. I suppose I should say firstly that I couldn't put this down but at the same time I didn't enjoy it. It was like watching a train crash in slow motion, I couldn't tear my eyes away but it was horrific. This book contains some of the most hideous characters I have ever encountered. They are ALL very unlikeable, particularly the protagonist, Neil who is just about the most repulsive character ever. This is a book about selfish, narcissistic, ego-maniacs and their quest to 'find themselves'. There is a great deal of sex and drug use in this book. As one of seemingly few people who detests drugs I found the casual day to day abuse of drugs depicted in this novel to be deeply irritating. This novel is like reading a very well written diary, the protagonist Neil is a very unreliable narrator and I was never sure whether Brendan Cowell was condemning him through his own words or just acting as an intermediary, telling Neil's very depressing story.

So, I suppose this book is good in a way, it's extremely well written. It feels very personal, like the author is very intimately invested in this narrative. If this is however just a story, then I say Mr Cowell is a very talented author because although immensely unlikeable his characters are rich and passionate and I cared what happened to them, even though they disappointed me endlessly.

Not a pleasant read, maybe like minded arty-types who love drugs and uninhibited, tortuous sex and think those who lead a 'normal' life are losers who have given up on life might enjoy this more and relate to it more than I did.

[Jacinta Fintan · Rating 4 out of 5]

After spending four days with Brendan Cowell's main character, Neil Cronk, it has taken me a week to figure out what sort of head trip Cronk took me on. All I can come up with is that it's a bit like sex with the ex. Oh so good and oh so wrong. Particularly when the ex resembles all those remnants of the past that were littered with druggy 90s lost-its.

You know, the friends you knew, people you cared about, parts of your family, ex boyfriends and all those romances that existed in your own head - all completely fucked up.

Cronk's hectic and anxious world takes me back to the 'magic of youth' which wasn't so magic at the time when you really get down to it. Brendan's raw-straight-onto-the-page writing is refreshing and by the end of this book, I was torn between 1. not caring about Cronk at all and wanting to shake the shit out of him and 2. experiencing great moments of empathy and blissful happiness that most of my real life friends have grown out of that life well and truly.

So what is it like? It's a bit like Charles Bukowski meets Judy Blume on crack. Only Australian. And better. If it weren't so close to home, I'd say I fucking loved it. But for now, I'll just say its really great. READ IT.

[Belinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book engulfed me beyond anticipation, that's for sure.
Definately bluntly humourous, which complements the raw language used in Cronk's drug-induced experiences of his adult life and youth. This is one of those books that has moments filled in (numerous) paragraphs that leave you gripping onto the words and their meaning. The ending got to me, not just because it was the 'ending' and I had to farewell a very, very troubled protagonist but for the ill-fated desperation Neil/Cronk felt in the end that he felt was neccessary for everybody to carry on with their lives. 'How it feels' also gave me an insight into a side of life that has eluded me, drugs, of course, ans obviously the repercussions this has on others, and has truly opened my mind up to an emerging, but alternative, Australian literature.

[Pip Tlaskal]

Definitely for older readers 16 + as it is very explicit in places.

There is not one false note in this novel. Every sentence is true and real. Here is a real antidote to the grotesque depiction of 'The Shire" on TV. As a theatre director Cowell skillfully weaves the time sequence of the narrative to explore every facet of the intoxicating love triangle between his alter-ego Neil Cronk (!), his best friend and his first love. A true insight into an extraordinarily creative man's mind, I will never look at Cronulla and Bathurst (where he spent his Uni years studying Drama) in the same way. Magical, incredible, intoxicating. He also wrote the script for 'Love my Way' one of my favourite TV series.

[Sunny Naicker · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have very mixed feelings about this book; growing up in a small coastal town in Australia I could certainly relate to Neil and his friends, who could of been my friends; and the relationship between these friends is tender, raw and touching and certainly cuts to the heart of this story. However it all seems to unravel into a narcissistic, shallow and solipsistic mess and by the end of it I left liking no one and my initial empathy turned to sympathy and eventually absolute apathy for these shallow, vapid characters!

[Helen Morrison · Rating 5 out of 5]

A favourite, in line with other Australian brutal realists like Helen Garner (monkey grip) or Christos Tsiolakis (the slap). It wont be some peoples cup of tea, but for me I loved the raw Australian humour and recognizable situations and setting. As David Williamson once said "we [Australians] have to stop being embarrassed by ourselves."

[Hayley McManus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Intense story with all unlikable characters but such a well written read. I love the emotive use of aussie colloquialism with crazy sexually and anger fueled characters. I don't hate this book because the characters are ugly, I like this book for how well the story was constructed and the way certain enviroments influenced each chatacters words and actions. Although it was a little confusing near the end, chopping and changing from moments in the past to moments in the present, I still really enjoyed it for the punch in the face it was.

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is a certain kind of middle-brow bloke-lit that I am drawn to read even though it frequently rubs me the wrong way, and How It Feels falls into this camp, or at least has one foot in it. I am actually quite a fan of Brendan Cowell's acting and screenwriting efforts; I think there is a wonderful realism in his work that comes across in this novel. What I didn't like - and this is not necessarily a specific criticism of Cowell but of bloke-lit generally (I define this as people like Venero Armanno, Nick Earls and Nick Hornby, to name but a few) - is the depiction of women. I know this is about male perspective and for that it is incredibly interesting, but it is also slightly worrisome that women are viewed as prizes and battlegrounds and used in contemporary fiction as ciphers (see also my criticisms of that god-awful .The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo). So this is what rubs me the wrong way but I keep on reading these kinds of books in the hope that someone will exceed my expectations or offer me some sort of new understanding. I guess a part of me is just cross because Courtney and Swanna both disappointed me in their own ways. So the gender dynamics of this novel are my big criticism (I won't even get into what I consider to be the ridiculousness of Neil's orgiastic adventures), but there was a lot that I enjoyed. While I did not grow up in the Shire, I did come of age in the 1990s, so the references throughout the novel are contemporaneous to my experiences as a teenager in Australia and I loved them. Cowell also hits some glorious poetic strides throughout the book...but he also stumbles in their midst at times. The book also has a wonderful sense of place. The Shire has a lurking menace as the novel's primary setting, and in the national imaginary as that place where the white boys went wild, disenfranchised by the multiculturalism that encroached upon this traditionally white, Anglo, working class territory. This is hinted at throughout the novel, although it is perhaps class tensions that are addressed more overtly in the narrative. Overall, I think Cowell shows great promise as a writer beyond the screen and I do look forward to seeing what he produces next.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have to warn you that you will need a strong stomache to handle this one. It wasn't the casual, chick-flick romance I was looking for, but still it took me into a world I have never thought about before and let me see how people in these situatiosn struggle and think that life is useless.

Other reviews have made mentions of a lot of sex and drugs (and I couldn't agree more!), but that's how life is for some of us, right? It kinda scares me to see Brendan Cowell (who I loved in "I Love You Too") writing this stuff, but then again I saw the creativity and reality his works gives readers (maybe just a little topic next time, please?)

I'm recommending that NOT everyone is built to read this novel (geesh I don't think I was, but hey I finished it!), but if you want to take a risk and read something different then maybe give it a go (you can stop though too - although it does become addictive...). I enjoyed this book yes, but this famous quote runs loud and clear with this novel - "Never judge a book by it's cover"...

=)

[Tina · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found it very hard to like Neil. He's self obsessed, annoying and, at times, totally oblivious to the havoc he wrecks upon all those around him. Maybe it's a guy thing? Maybe it's how teen/post-teen guys think and behave, but it just made him so hard to like. Not that it makes this a bad book, but it does bring up a big question - can you like a book and hate the main character?
In the end, the book wasn't bad. Sure there's more sex, drugs and violence than you can poke a stick at, but I don't mind a bit of that in a novel. I'm just not sure that Neil showed any real growth throughout the book. Sure, he changed, but I don't know that it was really growth - that he learned anything. We leave him still blundering through life with little direction, but maybe direction is not all its cracked up to be?
So, it was thought provoking, but also annoying. It'll be interesting to see what Brendan Cowell does next....

[Banafsheh Serov · Rating 2 out of 5]

Four teenage friends living in Sydney’s Southern Shire, have finished their final exams and are about to embark on different paths. In one wild, drug and alcohol fuelled end of year celebrations their lives change forever and friendships are broken.

This is a strange and unusually crafted novel. I confess I left it half way through mainly because of my irritation with Neil and his narcissism. The characters live on a daily orgy of promiscuous sex, alcohol and drugs that seem over exaggerated and unreal.

Cowell has a mixed bag of narratives where moments of great prose are littered with passages of overblown swearing and colloquialism. Despite showing potential and artistry as a novelist, too much effort is spent on trying to be cool. How it Feels best suits adults in their late teens or early twenties. 3 stars

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book. The beginning is beautiful and the analysis of Cronulla was really interesting as well - The Shire is portrayed as a haven for white racists (however, no mention of the bra boys). Whilst I really enjoyed the writing style - at times really beautiful and poetic, I thought the book was a tad badly edited (lots of obvious typos), and to be honest I found it all a little disappointing. Like 'The Slap' - it is so hard to connect with characters who are such self involved, misogynistic, selfish and morally bankrupt people. The nihilistic approach to life was sooooo depressing. The novel was kind of like watching a bad car accident - I felt compelled to keep reading, but in the end just felt bad about the whole awful experience.

[Nicholas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this quickly and that means I must have liked it. It kind of felt odd reading a story that was so close to home in many ways, which then made it even more strange when many events seemed so over the top and unreal (does that make any sense?). Everything is so dramatic and full on, but I guess that's the point, hence, the title...
Looking forward to the follow up novels (no pressure!) where the focus is more narrow and he doesn't feel like he needs to chuck everything in the mix. Bloody good though.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, how does it feel? Like a nightmare. From an artistic perspective, this is a masterpiece. (For this reason and this reason only I'll give it 4 stars.) ButI can't for the life of me work out why the world needs it. The story, rife with drug-taking, sex and every unimaginably disgusting act a human is capable of, holds all the fascination of a four car pile up on the highway: something you don't want to look at but just can't help yourself. Similarly, it leaves you feeling ashamed and disgusted with youself afterwards. This story is part of me now and it feels like cancer.

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just changed my rating of this book from four stars to five in the space of an hour. Initially I gave it four because after I read it, I felt as though my heart had been ripped out. I sat with that feeling for a while and realised I had been completely moved by the story. It is truly a rich and wonderful book and is a quick succession of high after low after high. I can't stay mad with this book just because it left me feeling so sad, I loved every bit of it. Growing up in Bathurst and knowing the town so well, it felt like I knew Neil all the more. Loved it.

[Lucy · Rating 2 out of 5]

Why didn't Brendan Cowell just write a memoir? Having not denied majority of this story happened to him directly, this story lacks imagination. An egocentric, self indulgent, and recycled piece of work - I could have sworn I have read this story before? It's well written and funny at times - I'll give him that - but above all reeks of self pitying, lazy, tormented artist that's all too easy to despise! We've heard it all before! Cowell should stick to acting.

[Bella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started reading this book earlier in the year and then work sucked me in another direction regarding literature and life.
I recently picked it up again and devoured it in a couple of days, in spite of said work.
It made me feel like there was nothing wrong with me and that everything would be ok, or it wouldn't (but that's also ok)
Thank you Brendan Cowell.

[Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dark and honest. Loved it.

[Matt Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

At times devastating, but so real that I found it extremely hard to put down

[Saturday's Child · Rating 1 out of 5]

It felt like a waste of time.

[Hannah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Neil Cronk is a total ass

[jasmin · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I take a deeper breath… and feel a little older.”

This feels like a book you’d either love or hate. It’s definitely something I’d be on the fence about if I gave it more thought. BUT I’m basing my rating solely on the reasoning that I’m still thinking about this story and it’s characters days after finishing… which is rare for me, especially with the books I typically tend to read.

This book is wildly racist and homophobic but it felt so familiar. That sounds so bad but whilst I was a literal child when this book was set, the world I grew up with felt the same. There were so many similarities growing up in a majorly white beach side suburb in Sydney’s east. The language and attitudes depicted in the book were so common in my area and I guess it just helped me to picture and place the story and it’s characters, making it feel like more of a documentation of actual events rather than fiction. The main character's discontent for the Shire felt slightly ridiculous though. I don't think I could ever feel that way about the area I grew up in but I suppose it wasn't so isolated. Not to say the Shire is isolated but it really isn't a whole world away like he made it out to be.

Neil Cronk is an absolutely horrible character imo, one written to be hated. His narcissism and shallowness fuelled my hatred. I didn’t have any empathy for his choices and actions. Swanna deserved better. I was not a fan of Courtney and Gordon either, whilst different from Neil, they too felt shallow and vapid. Stuart was by far my favourite and despite his ‘betrayal’ to both Neil and Gordon I loved him. He was fun and sad and I wished things could’ve gone differently.

I think if I came back to this book in the future my rating would definitely change... probably to a two stars tbh.

[Leigh Armstrong · Rating 1 out of 5]

I hated this book to the point where I had to force myself to finish it. Neil/Nelly/Cronk is an arrogant, selfish and depressive protagonist amidst a scene of further depression and misery. I want to physically shake all of the characters and bring them into the 'real world'.

This book, set in Cronulla in NSW, Australia, does nothing but paint the place as a setting for self-destruction and self-loathing and a place people go to if they want to die.

I have no idea what the author was trying to say with this book but this quote, from the book, sums it all up adequately:

'There's something so appalling about living, something so greedy and grotesque. The space that we take up, all the noise we make, the air we demand; who are we to think that we are entitled to it, who are we to think that our sound is pleasant, that we are worthy of breath.'

[Dara Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this book got pretty negative reviews, I think it's written substantially well as a romance novel from a male's point of view. Yes, Neil is a pathetic character who makes bad choices -- but bad choices make for great writing.
Even with the sad parts and some sassy chapters that keep readers' hopes up that Neil will find love, he is put through many obstacles, horrible course of events and betrayal that scar him to no avail. I think a lot of people can relate to his experiences in life - being twisted and turned around, succumbing to tragedy and deaths.
Sure, there's typical drugs and sex and 'discovery' of rotten values- but it's like with all friendships, relationships and growing pains - teaching readers that everyone exists in our lives for a certain time and for a certain reason.

[Georgia Marler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! I love Cowell’s storytelling. Despite not liking the main character, I found myself still barracking for him; wanting more for him. I found myself thinking quite a lot about this book - the story and the characters really moved me. A tragic story about friendship and love. A story I won’t forget.

Side note - I read this book after watching Plum. I went on a bit of a Brendan Cowell deep dive. I’m a fan of his acting, having first seen him in Love My Way - one of the best pieces of Australian drama. A must see. When I read he wrote a lot of the episodes in all three seasons, I can to get my hands on his first novel - this book. I’ll now be reading more of his work. A fantastic screen writer and actor.