How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike

by Chuck Sambuchino

Move over zombies and adolescent vampires.  There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And it’s here.       Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply—for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and—in the event that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and combating the attackers at close range.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Comedy, Horror, Reference, Contemporary, Survival

114 pages, Kindle Edition

First published September 7, 2010

Reviews

[Peter Topside · Rating 5 out of 5]

I saw this book online and had to have it. What a hilarious, innovative and entertaining read. You'll go through it, not sure whether to laugh or go check your home for possible signs of a hostile gnome invasion. Every time you see one of these feisty little devils on someone's lawn, you will think of this book!

[Melki]

I've tried to read this three times now, and am finding it to be spectacularly unfunny.

No star rating as I didn't finish the book, but SHEESH! I'm sorry I bought this.

[Lilla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Amélie and Travelocity paint them to be cultured European world travelers, but as the adage goes: don’t believe everything you see on television. What they actually are are whirling dervishes of death, waiting patiently for the right moment to strike. You think zombies and juvenile vampires keep you up at night, you haven’t seen anything yet. (Did you know that it was actually a wooden gnome that set ancient Rome ablaze? You won’t learn that in any history book, my friends.)

Continue: http://www.read-all-over.net/fiction/...

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an hysterically superb little book on how to prepare yourself and your home for the onslaught of the Gnome hoards (and believe me they will come). Sambuchino has obviously spent many an hour planning and re-planning how and when the Gnomes may attack and how best to defend against such an occurrence. Filled with useful hints and tips and do and don'ts this is a must have for those who wish to survive the Gnome Uprising.

[Benoit Lelièvre · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a man. That means I'm born with ninety gigabites of information, theory, philosophy and finger painting .pdf files about how to survive a zombie apocalypse. It's in the DNA, I can't help it. Ladies, try this. Start a discussion about zombies with men around you and they will obey to a primordial instinct and form a circle around you to debate the best practices in dispatching the undead. Therefore, reading tomes like The Zombie Survival Guide is useless to males, because we're ready. Zombies are a long shot though. Are there more pressing threats? Of course there are. Chuck Sambuchino informs us about the closest, most imminent threat to mankind survival: Garden Gnomes.

In his 106 pages tome of his, Sambuchino awakens men's intellect to the dangers of lawn ornaments. Using a simple Assess, Protect, Defend & Apply strategy model, he guides us, the reader, to build a proper defense system for our home. Thorough, Sambuchino covers the whole field of home protection. From assessing the distant threats of neighbors gnomes to one-on-one combat methods. My favorite part was "Protect" where he exposes an array of methods you can use to booby trap your yard against the twelve inch menace. The small and practical survival guide is also full of visual evidence of gnome life around the household. You will know what to watch for when it's your turn to repel the merry danger.

I had worries when I started reading this book. I thought the subject might have been a little slim and that the 106 pages format was too thin also. I was scared that it would be stretched out or crammed and overloaded. Sambuchino dutifully tiptoed around those issues, using method and structure. How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack covers only one aspect of gnome invasion: defending your household (and staying alive while doing so). He never stretches out on a subject he doesn't finish. The serious tone and the creative research makes it even more compelling. Needless to say, it leaves place for a sequel along the lines of: How To Survive A Garden Gnome Apocalypse. I'm already having goosebump over that sight: winter snow melting in May, uncovering an Armada of dormant garden gnomes all around me. Chuck, we need answers!

Step off your Mac-Book-Starbucks-Dwelling intellectual shoes for a seconds. If you don't you will end up a dead Mac-Book-Starbucks-Dwelling intellectual. Jonathan Franzen can always wait. While How To Survive A Garden Gnome Attack ain't exactly literary, it's the survival equivalent to The Elements Of Style. It's a book you carry around and study. Because when the gnomes attack, you rather be ready than dead.

(taken from my blog: www.deadendfollies.com)

[Claudia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sometimes you need a supposedly silly book to read - - or is it really silly? Sambuchino prepared the reader for the attack being plotted by the world travelers from Germany and have populated the gardens of America and other countries. Maybe the garden gnomes want the readers to think that in order to lull them before the upcoming attack? Maybe 😃 😃

Along similar lines of the prepare for zombie attacks, it is mostly concerning gnomeproofing your exterior and interior, preparing your weapons and seeing what the gnomes could use and being observant regarding your environment. Simple common sense. Unless you don't believe that your garden gnomes could be plotting to remove you . . . and your family. . . and the dog . . .

It was fun and slightly disturbing.

2022-145

[Karissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got an advanced reading copy of this book through the Amazon Vine program. It was just too funny to pass up. I mean I have read Zombie survival guides, werewolf survival guides; but a guide to survive those vicious garden gnomes!? How cool is that.

This book goes through a step by step process on how to defend yourself from garden gnomes. It starts with how to assess if you are at risk and how to determine if garden gnomes have infested your property. Then it goes on to inform the reader on how to protect their house against garden gnome invasion and how to defend yourself should those little ceramic bundles of terror breech your house. There are even a couple short "real-life" stories of gnome attack survivors.

This book was amusing. I laughed a couple times out-loud and snorted a few more times. This would be a good joke gift or something to buy just for the plain strangeness of having it. It is not much more than a joke book though. Luckily it is short and doesn't take itself too seriously, so it has that going for it.

Some parts of the book are truly funny; especially when the book goes through weapon recommendations (flame thrower - not recommenced). There are wonderful pictures of gnomes wielding dangerous objects or gnomes sneaking into houses that are cute and humorous...and just a tad creepy. Other parts of the book are kind of repetitive and made my eyes roll.

To be honest I was expecting a bit more from this book. A bit more creativity and a bit more humor. Don't get me wrong there are some funny parts in here, but most of the recommendations are pretty simple and common sense type things. The funniest part was really the concept of this book and some of the pictures in it.

Overall it's pretty funny and might make a good coffee table book. It is incredibly short, but that works in this book's favor...I think any more would have been too much. If you are expecting a light and slightly amusing read you won't be disappointed, just don't expect anything too crazily clever or in depth.

[Stephanie Lorée · Rating 4 out of 5]

After interviewing Chuck Sambuchino, I had to pick up a copy of this book. Let me tell you now, there is no better survival guide for pointed hat predators available. Sambuchino gives us step-by-step instructions on dealing with these vicious pipsqueaks, and his advice will leave you well informed and clutching your sides. I especially love the section on home defense and am in the process of constructing my own moat. This delightful little tome has a number of laugh-out-loud funny moments and is a quick read. The pictures really bring the guide together. You should pickup a copy of How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack today, mostly because your life may depend on it. Following Sambuchino's method, you'll find out how at risk you are of a gnome invasion, and best of all you'll be able to take the necessary steps to prevent the buggers from assaulting your loved ones (and self!). Highly recommended for its wit and stunning photos. (4 Stars)

[Deb · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this as a Christmas present from one of my thoughtful, yet, concerned children. I found it had some pretty useful information for fending off these menacing, bearded, yet deadly, buggers. Yes, I made the mistake of inviting them into my yard because I was influenced by misinformation that they were quite harmless and cute. How WRONG I was! They proved to be very naughty little beings. Through Sambuchino's book, I now know how to look for signs that they are planning to attack, maim, and/or kill me and my loved ones. I also have learned to to protect my property, home and devise ways to be rid of them forever... or at least until they increase their numbers and come at me again. I will, from now on, be forever diligent.

[Patricia Hamill · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny little book, especially if you imagine the impression you'd make on the neighbors if you actually followed all the advice it gives on preparing for the lawn warrior invasion.

I particularly enjoyed the image of someone digging a moat around their house and the one where you mount various weapons in every room of your house, beyond the reach of the gnomes, of course.

I bought this a few years back and read it whenever I need a chuckle.

[Ana Mardoll · Rating 1 out of 5]

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack / 978-1-580-08463-5

I'm a big fan of the "Zombie Survival Guide" - I must have read my copy at least three times. It's incredibly funny and incredibly immersive, largely because it takes itself so seriously. Literally, the Zombie Survival Guide handbook is *THE* last word in zombie survival guides. Sure, zombies don't actually exist, but if some misguided soul whipped up a zombie virus in a lab tomorrow, everything in that survival guide would instantly be true, and inordinately useful. And it's that lavish attention to detail, and utter devotion to the no-nonsense spirit of survival handbooks that makes the Zombie Survival Guide so thoroughly awesome.

However, in the rush to cash in on the trend, "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack" tripped and fell headlong into the mud. The serious tone that is so crucial for this sort of guide is only halfheartedly attempted, and in most cases it's thrown to the wind entirely: the section on animal protectors, for instance, is titled "A Big %&*! Dog". (Apart from the juvenile "ha-ha, profanity!", it doesn't even work as a title. As an addendum modifier to 'big', the only words that really fit are a three letter word, or a four letter word with 'ing' appended. A four letter word without 'ing' doesn't fit there; it breaks flow. The author can't even get profanity right. *sigh*) The book also breaks the cardinal sin of trying to be funny with footnotes - I have never, ever seen this work, outside of maybe a Dave Barry book. Putting an asterisk in the text and then tossing in "* You may be totally screwed," as the 'note' at the bottom of the page isn't funny - it's lazy. Why not just write "Insert joke here"?

When the book isn't desperately trying-and-failing to be funny, it spends the rest of the time trying-and-failing to mimic the survival guide tone - it feels like the author has never read a survival guide before. Gone is the carefully measured tone and the lavishly outlined instructions - all the pointers and tips are flung out willy-nilly in a quick, casual, conversational tone. It's because of this strip-mining approach to survival guide writing that "How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack" is literally 106 pages long, with a full-page picture of a garden gnome every third page. Why didn't they just make this a pamphlet? Then you could at least distribute them for giggles at the grocery store.

I didn't find this book funny, and I doubt it will amuse the guests as a coffee table book. Really, all it made me do was want to dig through the Zombie Survival Handbook again for the fourth time.

NOTE: This review is based on a free Advance Review Copy of this book provided through Amazon Vine.

~ Ana Mardoll

[Kent Whitaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, I'm a humor guy. Second... Gnomes are creepy. I think this book may have saved my life. In fact, I've been in contact with the Chuck about a totally unrelated topic involving our dogs and he took the time to give me some insight about some gnome activity going on in my own backyard.

This is a fun book that was well worth reading. My son gave it to me as a gift and it's proven to be a fun one.

Oh, one last thing. If one of your garden gnome is wearing a shirt or clothes covered with your favorite sports team logo or college colors... this DOES NOT mean it's on your side!! It's a ploy.

[Adria Goetz · Rating 3 out of 5]

Such a gloriously, cheeky read that's perfect for a gag gift, a coffee table, but also very fun to read through in its entirety, which I did! I also had the pleasure of having lunch with Chuck Sambuchino last month, which made reading the book all the more entertaining, because I could hear his voice reading the book in my head. I am a huge gnome lover, so the idea that they're dangerous and out to attack as all was very concerning to me, but also humorous.

[Michal · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's OK , rather average. It has a lot of great pictures and some bits are entertaining. You can easily go through the book in less than a hour. The humour is very vanilla and didn't do much for me. It can be a fun gag gift but the price on the book $14.99 is shocking. I got my one from a charity shop with 2 other books for €4 and I think that is a much more fair price.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

A funny little book for garden gnome enthusiasts (like myself), casting the little plaster flowerbed-dwellers as crafty little sociopaths bent on murder and mayhem. Sambuchino details the ways they can get into your home and how you can protect yourself and your loved ones.

[Becky B · Rating 3 out of 5]

A tongue-in-cheek survival guide for avoiding death by gnome attack (and warning how they are plotting against you).

I thought this would be a bit funnier than it actually was. The concept is humorous, the photos were a good addition, it just didn't strike me as super funny. I'm sure in the hands of the right person, this could be their favorite book ever. It would be a good example for HS or university classes of satire.

Notes on content:
Language: 4-6 swears
Sexual content: None
Violence: Imaginative scenarios of how garden gnomes could do you in and/or you could make preemptive attacks.
Ethnic diversity: Humans are really described.
LGBTQ+ content: None
Other: In the hands of very naive/gullible readers, this could possibly spark paranoia.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

An amusing bit of fluff - and waaaaaaay easier to get through than the Zombie Survival Guide of yore (though I enjoyed comparing "best practices" in weaponry between the two). I feel pretty safe in my particular location as I don't see many garden gnomes about, but it's still good to be prepared.

All the photos were quite a delight.

[Melissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this cute little book. The title was clever, the concept was clever, and it had really gorgeous photography. That being said, it was about 80 pages too long for what it was.

In this guide to Garden Gnomes, you'll teach yourself how to prepare for an attack. This includes proper tips for home defense, implements to use, and recognizing the signs that you may have gnomes in your yard or house. This guide aims to keep you alive from the sinister creatures.

It makes for what would have been a cute article or blog post. In its current state, it just tries too hard and ends up being entirely too long and drawn out. It stopped being funny after about the first chapter and then I had trouble slogging through, despite enjoying the pictures. Maybe if it had been turned into a picture book instead, or children's (if some of the material is toned down a bit) it would have made it a better length or read-through. But geared at adult's I think it's going to have a limited audience.

It's a neat concept, and I like what the author tried to do. I just think that the execution left a little to be desired.

Review by M. Reynard 2020

[Mayda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Beware. They’re out there. And they’re armed. This delightfully humorous book will amuse and charm you, and yet it definitely could be classified as educational, because, really, you don’t know when those pesky garden gnomes will rise up and attack. Be wary. Be ready. Be prepared. But in the meantime, enjoy this clever little book.

[ℓ◎♥℮ т☺ яεαḓ · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a gnome fan, I found this a cute little tongue-in-cheek manual on how to survivor murderous gnomes appealing. The gnome photographs were especially enchanting. It means I'm just playing into their tiny hands!

[Rachel Craig · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5/5

What I thought were sweet innocent lawn figures were actually deadly garden gnomes!

A fast read to prepare yourself for an eventual garden gnome attack which had me grinning from ear to ear. The menancing looking pictures of the gnomes throughout the book really enhanced the story.

[Dude_read_a_book · Rating 5 out of 5]

Is this the most important book you’ll ever read? WELL IS IT?!

[Jillian Ferry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was not too impressed with this book. It took a lot of effort to get through it and it wasn’t really as funny as I hoped.

[Marissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

That was odd

[Allen Steele · Rating 2 out of 5]

One of the best, most thought out, satirical books I have ever read. With humor and exaggeration the author conveyed his annoyance with garden gnomes. I don't know whether it was just for fun, or the author had a deeper meaning, but it was definitely entertaining.

[Allison · Rating 3 out of 5]

Received as a Christmas gift. I am a self-professed garden gnome aficionado, or "gnomeowner," as the author puts it. I firmly believe that this book is anti-gnomist propaganda. Garden gnomes will only attack when provoked -- or when trained sufficiently. Once I have finished amassing my army of garden gnome minions, you'll see. You'll all see.

(The best part of this book was the pictures.)

[Sean Fitzgerald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious and insightful. You’ll be looking over your shoulder and locking your doors by the end of this quick read.

[Tom M. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Chuck Sambuchino, the man who gives all writers hope with his annual Guild to Literary Agents, has written a fun and clever book that asks the question: How will you survive when (not if) garden gnomes try to kill you?

Sambuchino's book strikes the right level of intense paranoia and tongue-in-cheek with his subject. To be fair, this is one of those "Have I got a great idea for a book!" ideas that could easily have become stale and overdone after the first 10 pages. Sambuchino avoids this by giving his book a definite outline structur (Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply) that helps to focus the areas of his writing and intensify the paranoia.

Andrew Parsons deserves a great deal of credit on this book. His photographs of "innocent looking" garden gnomes caught in some potentially threatening-your-life poses are exactly the counterpoint Sambuchino's writing needed to bring this book off.

[Sarah Sammis · Rating 4 out of 5]

How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino offers advice on how to avoid being murdered by those cute and innocent looking garden gnomes. Beneath that painted exterior lies a blood thirsty killer.

Each page contains a full color photograph and some very pointed advice. There are things like recognizing foot prints, knowing your weapons, how to fortify your home, traps for the garden and so forth. After reading this book I'm convinced that it won't be vampires or zombies who will over run humanity — it'll be garden gnomes.

The book is written in a humorous, accessible language with appeal for all ages. My son poured over the book after I was finished and have recommended it to his friends.

According to the Screen Rant site, Roger Zemeckis is working on a movie adaptation of the book for Sony Pictures.

[Jeff Stockett · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a really fun idea. I liked the serious tone coupled with the ridiculous premise. The pictures throughout were pretty funny.

I would say this is probably better as a coffee table book rather than a book to read all the way through. It's fun to leaf through the pages and read excerpts but as I read it all the way through it didn't seem as funny.

Still a fun book though. I recommend it as an excellent book to put on your coffee table and have your guests thumb through when they visit.