Knickers in a Twist: A Dictionary of British Slang

by Jonathan Bernstein

Brits and Americans dress the same, eat at the same chain restaurants, pass music back and forth across the Atlantic, and our national leaders are practically conjoined twins. But the second the Brits open their mouths, all bets are off. So don’t dream of visiting the UK, dating a Brit, or truly understanding what Jude Law is saying without this handy, hilarious, and informative guide to Britspeak. With the cheekiness of Austin Powers and the tidbit quotient of Schott’s Miscellany, screenwriter Jonathan Bernstein’s collection of Cockney rhyming slang, insults culled from British television shows of yore, and regional and “high British” favorites provides hours of educational, enlightening, even life saving hilarity. And if it doesn’t accomplish that, at least you’ll be aware that when a British citizen describes you as a “wally,” a “herbert,” a “spanner,” or a “bampot,” he’s not showering you with compliments. Knickers in a Twist is as indispensable as a London city guide, as spot-on funny as an episode of The Office, and as edifying as Born to Kvetch and Eats, Shoots and Leaves.

Genres: M M Romance, Contemporary, Romance, Short Stories, Nonfiction, Cross Dressing, LGBT

192 pages, Paperback

First published October 19, 2006

About the author

I am the author of Bridget Wilder: Spy-In-Training.
Bridget Wilder is an adequate daughter, an unexceptional student and a mediocre friend. She's just found out she's also the biological daughter of one of the world's most lethal and notorious spies, the legendary Carter Strike.

Now Bridget lives in two worlds. One, where her family forgets her birthday and so-called class clowns call her Midget Wilder to her face. And another world, where she's trained by a covert CIA department to become a fast, smart, fearless ,gadget-toting secret agent who's tough enough to take on the most fearsome of bad guys.

How many secrets can she keep? And how many secrets are still being kept from her. When you're a a spy-in-training, do you ever really know who you can trust?


I'm also the co-author of Mad World: An Oral History Of New Wave Artists And Songs That Defined The 1980s, which features brand new interviews with the likes of New Order, The Smiths, Duran Duran, Echo & The Bunnymen, Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran, Simple Minds, Depeche Mode, Human League, Dexys Midnight Runners, OMD, Thomas Dolby, ABC, Thompson Twins and many, many more.


I also wrote the YA book Hottie which has been described, not by me but accurately, as Clueless meets X-Men. It's packed with as much comedy, action, unrequited crushes, requited crushes and destruction of designer clothes as I could pack into 320 pages.

It's ridiculously over-the-top sequel was titled Burning Ambition.

I'm also the author of Knickers In A Twist which is a dictionary of British slang that addresses Cockney rhyming slang, TV catchphrases, pop-culture references, swearing and incomprehensible abuse that I brought with me from my native Scotland.

My first book was called Pretty In Pink: The Golden Age Of Teen Movies which was an extremely un-intellectual look at the 80s, taking in every genre from slasher to gross-out and paying extended homage to the John Hughes canon.

I also write the occasional screenplay, with the Disney evergreen Max Keeble's Big Move, Just My Luck with Lindsay Lohan, Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector (I've got a mortgage, okay?) and the upcoming Jackie Chan movie The Spy Next Door to my name.

As I mentioned, I was raised in Scotland, spent some time in New York and moved to Los Angeles a few years ago.

I'm on Facebook and you can also find me on www. jonathanbernsteinbook.blogspot.com where I talk more about Hottie, discuss the latest reality show that's making me mad but I can't stop watching and post videos of ancient Scottish comedians.

I've also started a blog for my slang dictionary. Bookmark www.knickersinatwistbook.blogspot.com and learn a new word or phrase every day. Some of them will stop you getting punched in the face. Others will get you hit even harder!

Reviews

[Petra X · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author is a Los Angeles based Glaswegian. This means he is trilingual. US English, British English and Glaswegian which is only understandable if the locals want it to be (and haven't been drinking as much as Glaswegians are famous for). I once shared a flat with a guy from Glasgow who was stunningly handsome (and drank a lot from lunchtime onwards) but I could hardly understand what he said. He pulled more women than the other guys in the flat but I don't know if they understood him any better than I did.

I'm wondering as an English-trilingual person (British, American and Caribbean English) how much of this book is mutually intelligible even if the phrases are unfamiliar. We might say toilet, bathroom or restroom but we all know what each other means. Do we with phrases too?

These are excerpts from the book.

1. Bingo wings - unsightly blobs of loose skin hanging from the upper arms of OAPs (senior citizens) and people who don't exercise."
2. Bell end, dangly bits, family jewels, goolies, John Thomas, old chap, Percy, todger, bollocks, meat and two veg and winkle. All cock and balls, or one or the other. In the Caribbean 'bud' means penis.

So the years that Budweiser held beauty competitions and then did giant posters featuring the winner holding a beer saying "This Bud's for you" were most amusing. Bud caught on eventually and there were no more competitions. I was friendly with one of the winners, very beautiful but a thief and turned into a whore when she couldn't get jobs any longer.

Bollocks also means rubbish, nonsense, crap, as in "don't tell me that, it's a load of bollocks". This wasn't in the book, but I'm beginning to think that some of the entries are just a load of bollocks culled from the internet.

4. I was looking at the section on Cockney rhyming slang and seeing how many expressions (of the few in the book) are understood by everyone in the UK. How many of these do Americans know?"
Have a butcher's, look at
On your todd, being alone
Tea leaf, thief
Titfer, hat
Trap, mouth, as in shut your trap
Wick, nerves, as in 'she gets on my wick', she is an annoying person
Fell off the back of a lorry - something cheap you bought in the market, like Brixton, or from a "friend" that was stolen goods but no one wants to say that.
Give it some wellie - put a bit of effort into it. Not to be confused with Give him some wellie, which means kick him even if he's down. A wellie is a Wellington boot, I don't know what American's call them, gum boots?

5. I'll be mum - I'll pour the tea.
Brass monkey weather - freezing cold, from the three brass balls of a pawnbroker's sign.

6. No idea where these came from:
Bloody Nora.
Gordon Bennett!
Stroll on.
Pull the other one, it’s got bells on. (I don't believe you).

There was plenty more too. Interesting but not very. Amusing, ditto. Enlightening, not at all. 3 star.

[Judith · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars.





Well,this is a hot little quickie....

Another new Author to me and I really enjoyed her writing.This is totally my thing,I just love a man wearing women's underwear!!

What's not to like?

A prim and proper teacher who likes to wear lace panties and stockings under his suit,

A bit of a grumpy,hot ex fireman who likes it dirty,

Delicious sex.....and a wall scene.....Hell Yes!!

Peter has a kink that he doesn't think any man will understand...until he meets Alex.These two are so damn cute and sexy together and for a short read they are extremely well developed characters.

If you're after a quick,sexy read look no further.....oh,and it's free.

I'll definitely be checking out more from this Author.

[~✡~Dαni(ela) ♥ ♂♂ love & semicolons~✡~ · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25 stars

Silly, girls. Lace is for boys!



This story is HOT, KINKY, and SWEET to the core.

Bonus points for a gruff, sexy-as-fuck fireman; a prim maths teacher sporting high-thighs under his proper suit; primal, against-the-wall, pink-knicker-ripping fucking; and SWEDEN.

Ah, those naughty Scandinavians!

I wanted a stronger (longer) ending with more resolution, but this short story was sensual, romantic, and straight-up, no-holds-barred FUN.

[Optimist ♰King's Wench♰ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Did someone say Panty Fetish???
Private Cupcake reporting for duty.


Because I look out for my peeps. Let's strap in for this PANTYPALOOZA!

I didn't particularly care for Peter or Alex. They're both drowning in a kiddie pool filled to the brim with self-loathing and insecurity. BUT, who cares, really? There were panties and panties and panties. Did I mention there were panties? Oh, I forgot stockings.

"Baby, you're hotter than the sun, and if they didn't see that, it's their loss and my gain."

Amen, brother.

He loved it when Peter took something as feminine as pink stockings, put them on, and gave Alex a defiant look. Those times always ended with Alex manhandling him into whatever position he saw fit and fucking Peter within an inch of his life.

nomnomnomnom


Prolly more like 2.5 Stars rounded up because it's free and the author stayed true to the prompt.

[Karla · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 stars!

This was a quick and sexy read for sure and I liked it. Peter and Alex were hot together I loved that Alex accepted Peters's kink of wearing women's sexy underwear. I thought these two guys were a good match with Peter being on the sweet and quite side and Alex more gruff and with don't care what people think attitude. Their sexy times were so crazy hot!

But I would of also liked to see Peter more accepting of himself and appreciative of Alex's love and for him to stand up for himself when he had the chance. And what happened with that ending? It felt so abrupt! I definitely wanted more Peter/Alex.......

[* A Reader Obsessed * · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 Stars

I'm not an expert nor a connoisseur of manties but this stands out as the smexiest I’ve come across. It also boasts a grumpy gentle giant which is like my kryptonite and always makes things oh so much more enjoyable.

Very insta everything and the abrupt ending made me indignant. I feel a bit robbed.

However, again the prior reasons make this an overall win.

[Meags · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

This free little offering was plenty sweet and sexy, but perhaps a little heavy on the character insecurities. But honestly, who doesn’t love a good mini manties story!?!

[Meep · Rating 3 out of 5]

A cute little story about being accepted regardless of wearing lace undies or the ability to read.

The character voices were sometimes too similar in their self-doubt and the sentences were somewhat repetitive, but still far better than many authors manage with English as their first language!

The satin-leather-lace make for a very nice little kink ;) Peter's defiance was charming as was Alex's appreciation. Something sexy about those secrets hidden under neutral suits and Peter's simple pleasure in textures.

I'd have liked to see Peter stand up for himself and face-down his colleagues or sneer back at the would be boyfriend, instead the incidents are brushed aside and not dealt with, which is a shame.

Still - cuteness, hotness and a little kink, all for free - very nice.

[True Loveislovereview · Rating 5 out of 5]

Woohee that was an awesome story. Hot, sweet, endearing and a man in lace that surpasses all my expectations.
Peter a shy guy who loved to wear beautiful lace underwear and somehow desperate to find a partner who won't laugh about his preference for lace.
Alex working in his sisters lingerie shop just for four months. When he sees Peter in the shop he thinks the man is hot and when he meets him again and his pants goes down there is firework.
Sooo glad he meets his man who appreciates his kink maybe even more then himself.
Peter and Alex so hot together.
Awesome short read

[Elsa Bravante · Rating 4 out of 5]

Otra historia corta gratuita, esta vez sobre el kink de la lencería. Me encanta cuando los autores se atreven con temas no muy explorados, ha sido dulce, tierno y divertido. Qué vivan los kinks, a cada cual con lo que le guste.

[Vivian · Rating 3 out of 5]

Which one of these is not like the others?

To teach children matching, it's a great concept. To use it to categorize people, it sucks. Shy and sweet, just looking for someone to accept you for who you are when the reception in previous encounters has been less than enthusiastic isn't easy. Cute short with pretty things and a guy who loves and finds someone who loves him just the way he is.

[Ele · Rating 5 out of 5]

-4.5 stars-

Still one of the best manties story out there. What I love about it, is that the manties are really the focus of the story. I don't think this was just a kink for Peter, it was more like a part of his personality, and the author took full advantage of it.

The rather abrupt ending is the only reason this isn't a solid 5 star read.

Check it out, it's free!

[Zuzu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short but sweet

I really loved the story and characters. I knew it was a short story, but it ended just when it was getting really good. I hope we get more from these two.

[Jennifer☠Pher☠ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Ofelia Gränd for this free story and thanks to all the other authors who participated in this event.

I am soooo not trying to pick favorites or gush too much with these stories because truly they all should be treated as gold but, well, this one, I LOVED IT!! I smiled the entire time. Read.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

Peter is a math teacher and considers himself pretty average. He likes to wear manties, but is afraid someone finding out after a lover made fun of him.

When he meets Alex, who is helping his sister out in her lingerie shop, Peter thinks Alex is another man who judges him for looking at women's underwear, so he leaves the store immediately.

But it turns out Alex is pretty persistent in getting the man he is interested in, so they end up on a date. And then the pants come off...

I loved how Alex always made Peter feel good about himself. That's why I had some trouble with Peter's self-doubt. He lashed out at Alex a couple of times without reason. But luckily Alex was such a sweetheart, he never got mad at Peter, he just showed his love some more.

A pretty decent short, I liked it.

[Trisha Harrington · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well that was hot.

This wasn't just hot, though, and I really loved the couple. It got bonus points for Alex's reaction to Peters little kink. It was also low on the drama and apart from a little bullying and Peter being made fun of, nothing really bad happened. The ending was a bit abrupt, but it wasn't the most abrupt ending ever, so I wasn't overly bothered by that.

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

4,5 stars

Guys in lace? Hell, yeah...

Wow… loved that one! A math teacher living in Sweden and wearing high-thighs and lace panties under his suit… how could I resist him? Ever? Add a sexy-as-fuck fireman and I’m in heaven.

Okay, I have to admit, the prompt picture was the first thing that blew me away and I just had to read the story, I needed to know how Ofelia would go from there.

But then it got really difficult. To read the story I had to scroll down...

...and I tried…

...believe me, I did...

...but suddenly, I swear my fingers had a mind of its own, they flicked the touch pad and the screen went back to the top and I just had to stare at the photo again. Damn! I wanted to touch, I wanted to feel the lace slipping through my finger, I wanted to…

*coughs*

Okay, where was I?

Peter, the lace wearing teacher, is sweet, and his vulnerability is endearing. I liked his inner strength and conviction despite his frustration and embarrassment about his kink.

Alex first seems to be a bit rough around the edges but his reaction to Peter’s kink is amazing. It isn’t lace that is his kink, it’s knowing how much it turns Peter on.

And howdy… those two are scorching hot when Alex discovers new lace under Peter’s proper suit. Even being in public don’t bother them too much.

I liked the pace and the flow of the story but a few things remained unresolved (I'd have liked to see Peter stand up for himself and and sneer back at his former boyfriend and his co-workers). I wish Ofelia would write a novel about these two guys, they are definitely worth it.

Thank you Ofelia, this cuteness and hotness has made my day. :)

[Sunny · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wait! What about...?

Okay, that was hot. I loved Peter's reaction to wearing lingerie and Alex's reaction to Peter's kink was also very much appreciated :)

Peter was sweet, and that touch of vulnerability was endearing. I liked Alex, too, but I didn't always understand him. His thoughts and conclusions seemed off at times, didn't make sense to me.

Although it wasn't as polished as I would have liked, I was enjoying the characters and their story. But then it ended, way too abruptly, with too many threads left hanging. I needed more!

Thank you, Ophelia, for sharing your story :)

[Dee Aditya · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was my first book by Ofelia Gränd. I loved it completely; I though the emotions were well done and I loved both the characters. The sex was scorching! I liked it a lot even if the ending was...unsatisfactory.

I would ask Ofelia to write more, but after Deadly Sugar, I am afraid to :P

But the book as it stands, is awesome.

[Otila · Rating 3 out of 5]

*****2.5*****
This was a cute story but it left me a little unsatisfied. The ending was too abrupt and it just felt unfinished. It was like the beginning of a story not a self-contained one. Still, I kind of liked it and I'm rounding up to 3 stars because a man in lace is YUM...

[Amy Spector · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like to tease Ofelia Gränd about being a sociopath, but it's more of a split personality thing. And only one of her personalities is a remorseless killer! The other just might be a true romantic-who only kills on the weekends maybe(?)-because this was charming!

Cute and sweet! And just so much fun!

I loved it!

***

For some unknown reason, I have never read this book!

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it's very important for me to know the difference between a minger, a biffer, and a slag. I like to be accurate in my insults.

[Mandy*reads obsessively* · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a great contribution to the LL event.
This story had a great and sexy picture prompt and the author rocked it. I just wished it had been longer. ( I'm noticing a theme with me and these LL stories...)

I loved that both men had things they were self-conscious about and thought made them less than other people.
Alex was so patient and understanding. Peter was so critical of himself that he couldn't see how accepting and encouraging Alex really was, at least not right away.
And Alex being so down on himself was just sad, I wanted to see him realize he just needed to learn differently and that his dyslexia does NOT make him dumb. ( I'm particularly radical about that, since my oldest has it.)
I loved so many things about this story, seeing the vulnerability of both men was good and seeing them find someone who not only accepted them, even with their 'perceived weakness' but appreciated and loved them.
I just wish there had been a little more.
I wanted to see if maybe Peter could help Alex with his dyslexia and what was going to happen at school for Peter now?

[Cristina T. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was a little bit disappointed by Knickers in a Twist, to be quite honest... It was okay, but I expected more.

What I loved: the MANTIES! Duh. Red hipster panties. Lace boxer briefs. Pink bikini briefs. And...



Yes. That's right. A leather jockstrap!

What I didn't like: There was too much crammed into a few pages and a lot of things left unresolved. Also, the sex scenes were over way too soon. I actually had to go back and read the last sentence of every scene, to confirm to myself that yeah, it was over. And the story could have benefited from a few more pages, because the ending was really abrupt.

Bummer. But still, yay for all the panties!!!

[Candice · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read on 10-12-14

This seriously needs to be a full length! LOVED it.

I want more. I NEED more. What happened with Peter at work? I wanted a confrontation between them and Nick.

PLEASE write more for Peter and Alex :)

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Smokin. Wish it were longer. Loveable characters.

[Anna Kļaviņa · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

This story was all kinds of awesome. I felt that the ending was a bit abrupt. B/c of that it's not a full 5* read to me.

This is Ms Gränd debut and I hope she is going to write more.♥


A contemporary story set in a small town in Sweden. Both main characters are extremely likeable and comes to life in the pages.

[Joy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some favorites so far -

Bobs your uncle, Blot one's copybook, Shipshape and Bristol fashion

This is a really fun little book full of British slang. I consider myself to be quite the Anglophile so this book is right up my alley!

More favorites -

Bloody Nora, Close your eyes and think of England, Slog your guts out,

Silly buggers, Sod's law, Bubble and squeak, Trainspotter, Twit,

Toffee nosed, Upper-class twit, and Silly season.

If you don't know what some of those mean, you'll just have to get the book! I highly recommend it for you Anglophiles out there...;-)

[Ro · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stockings and satin boy shorts and silky thongs under a suit. YES! I loved Peter's willingness to be himself (even as he struggles with it) and trying to avoid the Tuesday soul-sucking boxers. Alex's reaction is perfect - he may not have lace kink but he loves that Peter loves it. I want Peter go to face down the asshat in the locker room now. Loved this

[Al · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Ofelia, this has made my day. Possibly my year!