What do you think?
Rate this book
The Intimacy Struggle: Revised and Expanded for All Adults
The struggle for intimacy is a complex issue, key to the happiness of every man and woman. It goes on for all of us as long as we live. To be intimate is to be close, to be vulnerable, qualities that are very different from the survival skills we learned. This book will help clarify the issues for you.
You can learn to:
Identify family myths to make you wonder whether having a healthy, intimate relationship is possible.
Know the questions to ask to find out whether you and your partner have a long-term future together.
Be aware of misunderstandings that can sabotage your relationship.
Express your feelings and fears so as to avoid misunderstandings.
Find our what to do when your relationship is not working.
Create good relationships.
Acquiring intimacy skills can be difficult, but through understanding and effort, they can be learned. This insightful book is a good place to begin.
You can learn to:
Identify family myths to make you wonder whether having a healthy, intimate relationship is possible.
Know the questions to ask to find out whether you and your partner have a long-term future together.
Be aware of misunderstandings that can sabotage your relationship.
Express your feelings and fears so as to avoid misunderstandings.
Find our what to do when your relationship is not working.
Create good relationships.
Acquiring intimacy skills can be difficult, but through understanding and effort, they can be learned. This insightful book is a good place to begin.
135 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 1985
117 people are currently reading
1151 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
March 14, 2012
What am i doing right now? Eating packets of taco bell hot sauce until my mouth feels like its going to act like the southern states in the civil war and run away by secession for a little while or something... best simile ever, right guys? Cuz that like so totally shows that I know like a lot about American History now that im blonde and all.
BUT I DIGRESS.
(that was in no way a metaphor for this book only getting 3 stars... js... for shizzle i'm serious)
Parts of this made me really realize how very dysfunctional my childhood was... and in some very sick way it explained why all relationship attempts with people who had normal families were kind of a bust... so you know, my relationship only works when i date a guy for 3 years who is possibly just as screwed up as I am and who doesn't realize that he has the worst communication problems i've ever seen and some assoholic tendencies and the inability to empathize.
Don't get me wrong. I knew I had family problems. But I figured that having a shallow, self-centered, emotionally distant parent was just normal, and that going to McDonald's and not getting anything for your kid was what most people did. I also learned to depend on myself for things because once said parent gets home from working all day they will not want to move from the living room to fulfill promises (like going to the beach/pool/movies), get/buy/fix you food (regardless of how hungry you are and the fact that there is only koolaid in the fridge), or even do your laundry for school on Monday which requires so very little. I have, however, never looked at my "family" in terms of my father, who did have major substance abuse problems...
But part of why this book only gets a 3 is because it didn't really emotionally impact me that much. Ive gotten used to all this stuff, I don't expect my mother to jump up and suddenly buy me a car and send me to college or tell me I'm doing a good job and that she's proud or suddenly open up. The part about Disappointment is what really struck me the hardest because while I don't like to attribute all of my problems to my early childhood and feel that loyalty has absolutely nothing to do with my family circumstance personally... Disappointment played a big part in my life and I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to avoid it. I had absolutely no sense of entitlement and to this day I still have intense fears surrounding this issue. I do expect my boyfriend to be a mind-reader and before today I've never really considered it unfair. I still don't ask for gifts on my birthday and feel uncomfortable when people want to pay me too much attention. And i think my main battle for the last year (since I've been working in such a great place) has been realizing that I'm worth a lot more than i give myself credit for. The story about the woman who wasn't going to say anything when the janitor turned the lights out- that's me. In fact, my birthday is coming up next month and since I know no one is going to do much more than Facebook me I decided to take matters into my own hands and i'm going to spend the day doing things that I enjoy, outside in the nice weather, I'm going to dress up and take photos and eat Japanese food at a nice restaurant and make a triple layer strawberry cake and go shopping and maybe rock climbing and it'll be the first good birthday Ive ever had. That sounds much better when you see the pictures that go with it in my head of this epic cake and perfect spring weather.
So my ultimate goal: realize that i'm a great person and stop blaming all bad things on myself because there is no way that i caused WW2 or columbine or Waco Texas or the gulf oil spill or any of my friends to smoke cannabis or for Rome to fall (even though i have good reason to believe these things). One step closer to achieving this.
BUT I DIGRESS.
(that was in no way a metaphor for this book only getting 3 stars... js... for shizzle i'm serious)
Parts of this made me really realize how very dysfunctional my childhood was... and in some very sick way it explained why all relationship attempts with people who had normal families were kind of a bust... so you know, my relationship only works when i date a guy for 3 years who is possibly just as screwed up as I am and who doesn't realize that he has the worst communication problems i've ever seen and some assoholic tendencies and the inability to empathize.
Don't get me wrong. I knew I had family problems. But I figured that having a shallow, self-centered, emotionally distant parent was just normal, and that going to McDonald's and not getting anything for your kid was what most people did. I also learned to depend on myself for things because once said parent gets home from working all day they will not want to move from the living room to fulfill promises (like going to the beach/pool/movies), get/buy/fix you food (regardless of how hungry you are and the fact that there is only koolaid in the fridge), or even do your laundry for school on Monday which requires so very little. I have, however, never looked at my "family" in terms of my father, who did have major substance abuse problems...
But part of why this book only gets a 3 is because it didn't really emotionally impact me that much. Ive gotten used to all this stuff, I don't expect my mother to jump up and suddenly buy me a car and send me to college or tell me I'm doing a good job and that she's proud or suddenly open up. The part about Disappointment is what really struck me the hardest because while I don't like to attribute all of my problems to my early childhood and feel that loyalty has absolutely nothing to do with my family circumstance personally... Disappointment played a big part in my life and I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to avoid it. I had absolutely no sense of entitlement and to this day I still have intense fears surrounding this issue. I do expect my boyfriend to be a mind-reader and before today I've never really considered it unfair. I still don't ask for gifts on my birthday and feel uncomfortable when people want to pay me too much attention. And i think my main battle for the last year (since I've been working in such a great place) has been realizing that I'm worth a lot more than i give myself credit for. The story about the woman who wasn't going to say anything when the janitor turned the lights out- that's me. In fact, my birthday is coming up next month and since I know no one is going to do much more than Facebook me I decided to take matters into my own hands and i'm going to spend the day doing things that I enjoy, outside in the nice weather, I'm going to dress up and take photos and eat Japanese food at a nice restaurant and make a triple layer strawberry cake and go shopping and maybe rock climbing and it'll be the first good birthday Ive ever had. That sounds much better when you see the pictures that go with it in my head of this epic cake and perfect spring weather.
So my ultimate goal: realize that i'm a great person and stop blaming all bad things on myself because there is no way that i caused WW2 or columbine or Waco Texas or the gulf oil spill or any of my friends to smoke cannabis or for Rome to fall (even though i have good reason to believe these things). One step closer to achieving this.
December 12, 2020
Cartea asta e un "must read"! Am terminat-o cu un oftat prelung, desi nu este prima dată când întâlnesc informațiile, e totuși asa de franc și personal scrisă, încât cu greu nu te identific cu vreunul dintre scenariile de copil din familie disfuncțională, și adult cu traume venite din asta.
June 11, 2019
SO HELPFUL. 4.5-4.75 stars Provides great insight if you grew up in dysfunction of any kind.
I especially appreciated the chapter in this book that was written for someone who is a partner of an COA/ACA... I happily handed it over to my spouse and it answered things about me that were confusing.
There is also a chapter dedicated to people in same-sex relationships, which I find is often lacking in many codependent/ACA books.
I read this after finding Adult Children of Alcoholics SO helpful and connecting with the way the author presents information. I got a great deal of insight out of reading this and read several chapters multiple times.
This book focuses on your relationships now, and how your childhood dysfunction causes problems whether you're aware or not. I like that she provides many examples and illustrations of what you can do to help yourself and improve your relationship.
If your parent was an alcoholic, mentally ill or unstable, abusive (physically or emotionally) or there was some other dysfunction (i.e. dependent parents, gambling, a parent who dieted constantly) pick up this book to help with your relationships!!
One of the best books for recovery and healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Familes. If you are in a relationship, this is a good second act.
I especially appreciated the chapter in this book that was written for someone who is a partner of an COA/ACA... I happily handed it over to my spouse and it answered things about me that were confusing.
There is also a chapter dedicated to people in same-sex relationships, which I find is often lacking in many codependent/ACA books.
I read this after finding Adult Children of Alcoholics SO helpful and connecting with the way the author presents information. I got a great deal of insight out of reading this and read several chapters multiple times.
This book focuses on your relationships now, and how your childhood dysfunction causes problems whether you're aware or not. I like that she provides many examples and illustrations of what you can do to help yourself and improve your relationship.
If your parent was an alcoholic, mentally ill or unstable, abusive (physically or emotionally) or there was some other dysfunction (i.e. dependent parents, gambling, a parent who dieted constantly) pick up this book to help with your relationships!!
One of the best books for recovery and healing is Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Familes. If you are in a relationship, this is a good second act.
May 15, 2022
Tikriausiai kiekvienam ateina metas, kai pradedi skaityti saviugdos/ psichologes knygas. Man jis atėjo 🙂
Manau šioje knygoje kiekvienas, ne tik suaugęs alkoholikų vaikas, gali atrasti sau kažkokį atsakymą į klausimą, paaiškinimą kodėl vyksta taip, o ne kitaip. Knygoje buvo nemažai rašoma ir apie sveikus santykius. Kokie jie turėtų būti, patariama ką daryti, norint eiti sveikų santykių link. Aš atradau joje kažką sau. Būtinai skaitysiu kitą autorės knygą - #suaugealkoholikuvaikai
Manau šioje knygoje kiekvienas, ne tik suaugęs alkoholikų vaikas, gali atrasti sau kažkokį atsakymą į klausimą, paaiškinimą kodėl vyksta taip, o ne kitaip. Knygoje buvo nemažai rašoma ir apie sveikus santykius. Kokie jie turėtų būti, patariama ką daryti, norint eiti sveikų santykių link. Aš atradau joje kažką sau. Būtinai skaitysiu kitą autorės knygą - #suaugealkoholikuvaikai
September 6, 2023
Tikėjausi kitokios knygos, nes buvau nepastebėjęs prierašo pavadinime “sunkumai santykiuose, kuriuos patiria suaugę alkoholikų vaikai”. Ir nors temos kontekstas nėra aktualus man asmeniškai, bet stebėtinai daug savo elgsenos modelių atpažinau knygoje, todėl yra apie ką pamąstyti.
June 29, 2012
Quick read, but something that will keep you thinking long after you close the book. This isn't necessarily just a book for those who identify as "having issues". Everyone who has ever had a relationship can find something in this book that speaks to them.
March 26, 2023
Didižiai nustebau, kad dauguma santykių problemų ir elgesio būdų, aprašytų kaip būdingi suaugusiems alkoholikų vaikams, bent mano patirtyje būdingi labai daug kam aplinkui, bet ne man, alkoholiko vaikui.
Jeigu knygą matuočiau pagal tai, kiek ji atitinka mano gyvenimą, mąstymą ir elgesį, tai tiesos čia ne daugiau kaip 30%.
Pavyzdžiui, rašoma: „Suaugę alkoholikų vaikai nemoka spręsti problemų drauge, todėl ir nenutuokia, kaip elgtis, kai supyksta“ (p. 57). Man regis, tai galioja daugumai žmonių nepriklausomai nuo to, kiek gėrė jų tėvai. Paprasčiausiai per menkai vadovaujamasi racionalumu. Viskas labai paprasta: jei kažkas įsižeidė, įsiskaudino ar supyko, tereikia susėsti drauge ir ramiai pasikalbėti išdėstant, kad tavo toks ir toks elgesys man sukėlė tokius ir tokius jausmus, mintis, būsenas, nes jį supratau taip ir taip. Kitas irgi supranta, ką blogai padarė arba ką partneris ne taip suprato. Pasikalbi, išsiaiškini, ir problema išspręsta. Tai elgesio formulė, kuri niekada nepaveda.
Bet ne, vietoj to žmonės ims vienas kitą (arba tik vienas jų) ignoruoti, rėkti, kaltinti, sarkastiškai įžeidinėti, priskirti nebūtas intencijas, matyti blogas potekstes, atsitverti tylos siena, neduoti kitam pasitikėjimo kredito, kaupti nesusipratimus ir nuoskaudas – tai psichologinio smurto prieš save ir prieš kitą formulė, kuri niekada neveikia, bet jos griebiamasi lyg dar vienos dozės turint priklausomybę. Kodėl? Kam šito reikia? Man regis, patirtos nuoskaudos dėl tėvo smurto ir alkoholizmo kaip tik mane išmokė niekada nenaudoti tokio emocinio smurto prieš save ir prieš kitą, o problemas spręsti racionalumo ir empatijos keliu. Nors gal tai su tėvo alkoholizmu apskritai nesusiję. Vienok tai tik vienas pavyzdys, kur autorė perspaudžia ir, mano supratimu, nėra teisi.
Dar keisčiau skamba tezė, kad „suaugę alkoholikų vaikai niekada nešneka apie jausmus“ (p 63). Apie juos šneku gal net per daug. Mane amžinai slegia, kad kiti tą daro nepakankamai, neatsiveria ir netgi jaučia, kad mano atvirumo jiems per daug. Nors ką aš išmanau – gal daugumai uždaras ir destruktyvus elgesys kaip tėvų girtavimo (ir kitokio smurtavimo) pasekmė tinka. Kitaip juk jie taip nesielgtų?..
Yra knygoje ir taiklių pastabų apie stiprų ir staigų prieraišumą, polinkį save kaltinti, net kai esi nekaltas, kone besąlyginę ištikimybę net ir žmonėms, kurie galbūt to neverti, susimenkinimą, nedrąsumą reikšti savo poreikius, pripratimą, kad su tavimi elgiasi tarsi tavęs apskritai nebūtų, polinkį rūpintis kitu nepaisant savęs paties ir pan., kas ilgainiui gali išvirsti į ligas ir kitas problemas.
Bet kalbos apie impulsyvumą, baimę būti pažintam, užsisklendimą, staigų atšalimą – tai kaip tik dalykai, kurie siutina kituose žmonėse. Man baisu ne būti pažintam, o kad mane per mažai nori pažinti, kad nemato, koks esu iš tikrųjų. Tai yra mano nerimo šaltinis – būtent kitų toks elgesys, jų šaltas abejingumas ir nežinios siena mano ar kitų atžvilgiu, kas man pačiam niekad nebūdinga.
Vis dėlto susidaro įspūdis, kad knyga parašyta kaip labai kategoriška ir vienpusiška sąlyginai menko išsilavinimo ir žemesnio intelekto žmogaus charakteristika, kurioje, pagret naudingų patarimų, apstu ir perspaustų apibendrinimų, radikalių vertinimų ir teiginių, kurie tinka daugybei žmonių, besielgiančių lygiai priešingai nei elgiuosi aš, apie kurį tarsi ir turėtų būti ši knyga.
Gal dėl to, siekiant kompensacijos, ir apžvalga yra labiau apie mane nei knygą. 😬
Na, o galutinai mane pribaigė šita vieta: „Sveikuose santykiuose dėl monogaminio ryšio apsisprendžiama santykiams jau įsibėgėjus“ (p. 96). Žinau, kad daug žmonių taip daro, ypač pažinčių programėlių kultūroje, kuri užprogramuoja žmogų traktuoti kaip prekę, kurią gali pasirinkti ir bet kada pakeisti kita. Jokio sveikumo tame nematau. Tai nužmoginantis požiūris, verčiantis į kiekvieną naują pažintį žvelgti kaip į naują anonimą su atitinkamu savybiu karkasu, už kurio paties žmogaus nebematoma. Todėl galima jį ignoruoti, eiti su kitu, nustoti bendrauti nepranešus, tuo pat metu manyti, kad gal kažkas rimto bus, bet šalia susitikinėti ir net miegoti su kitais. Jeigu nežiūri į žmogų pilnai kaip į tą akimirką unikaliausią žmogų pasaulyje, su kuriuo vienu tuo metu tenori būti, ir leidi sau šalia turėti „atsarginių variantų“, rinktis pagal savybes, o ne kurti gilų santykį su žmogumi dėl jo paties, tai tokie tariamai sveiki santykiai bus pasmerkti nuolatiniams kivirčams, abipusei degradacijai ir neišvengiamam žlugimui. Tai nepagarbu ir neoru kito žmogaus atžvilgiu, ir jei tokia pradžia laikoma sveika, tai ne ką sveikesni bus vidurys bei pabaiga. Ką jau padarysi, jei abejingumas, nepagarba, kito poreikių nepaisymas ir susireikšminimas vis labiau tampa sveikumo standartu...
Nepaisant viso to, vertingų įžvalgų apie save, nors ir ne daug, vis tik pavyko knygoje surasti.
Jeigu knygą matuočiau pagal tai, kiek ji atitinka mano gyvenimą, mąstymą ir elgesį, tai tiesos čia ne daugiau kaip 30%.
Pavyzdžiui, rašoma: „Suaugę alkoholikų vaikai nemoka spręsti problemų drauge, todėl ir nenutuokia, kaip elgtis, kai supyksta“ (p. 57). Man regis, tai galioja daugumai žmonių nepriklausomai nuo to, kiek gėrė jų tėvai. Paprasčiausiai per menkai vadovaujamasi racionalumu. Viskas labai paprasta: jei kažkas įsižeidė, įsiskaudino ar supyko, tereikia susėsti drauge ir ramiai pasikalbėti išdėstant, kad tavo toks ir toks elgesys man sukėlė tokius ir tokius jausmus, mintis, būsenas, nes jį supratau taip ir taip. Kitas irgi supranta, ką blogai padarė arba ką partneris ne taip suprato. Pasikalbi, išsiaiškini, ir problema išspręsta. Tai elgesio formulė, kuri niekada nepaveda.
Bet ne, vietoj to žmonės ims vienas kitą (arba tik vienas jų) ignoruoti, rėkti, kaltinti, sarkastiškai įžeidinėti, priskirti nebūtas intencijas, matyti blogas potekstes, atsitverti tylos siena, neduoti kitam pasitikėjimo kredito, kaupti nesusipratimus ir nuoskaudas – tai psichologinio smurto prieš save ir prieš kitą formulė, kuri niekada neveikia, bet jos griebiamasi lyg dar vienos dozės turint priklausomybę. Kodėl? Kam šito reikia? Man regis, patirtos nuoskaudos dėl tėvo smurto ir alkoholizmo kaip tik mane išmokė niekada nenaudoti tokio emocinio smurto prieš save ir prieš kitą, o problemas spręsti racionalumo ir empatijos keliu. Nors gal tai su tėvo alkoholizmu apskritai nesusiję. Vienok tai tik vienas pavyzdys, kur autorė perspaudžia ir, mano supratimu, nėra teisi.
Dar keisčiau skamba tezė, kad „suaugę alkoholikų vaikai niekada nešneka apie jausmus“ (p 63). Apie juos šneku gal net per daug. Mane amžinai slegia, kad kiti tą daro nepakankamai, neatsiveria ir netgi jaučia, kad mano atvirumo jiems per daug. Nors ką aš išmanau – gal daugumai uždaras ir destruktyvus elgesys kaip tėvų girtavimo (ir kitokio smurtavimo) pasekmė tinka. Kitaip juk jie taip nesielgtų?..
Yra knygoje ir taiklių pastabų apie stiprų ir staigų prieraišumą, polinkį save kaltinti, net kai esi nekaltas, kone besąlyginę ištikimybę net ir žmonėms, kurie galbūt to neverti, susimenkinimą, nedrąsumą reikšti savo poreikius, pripratimą, kad su tavimi elgiasi tarsi tavęs apskritai nebūtų, polinkį rūpintis kitu nepaisant savęs paties ir pan., kas ilgainiui gali išvirsti į ligas ir kitas problemas.
Bet kalbos apie impulsyvumą, baimę būti pažintam, užsisklendimą, staigų atšalimą – tai kaip tik dalykai, kurie siutina kituose žmonėse. Man baisu ne būti pažintam, o kad mane per mažai nori pažinti, kad nemato, koks esu iš tikrųjų. Tai yra mano nerimo šaltinis – būtent kitų toks elgesys, jų šaltas abejingumas ir nežinios siena mano ar kitų atžvilgiu, kas man pačiam niekad nebūdinga.
Vis dėlto susidaro įspūdis, kad knyga parašyta kaip labai kategoriška ir vienpusiška sąlyginai menko išsilavinimo ir žemesnio intelekto žmogaus charakteristika, kurioje, pagret naudingų patarimų, apstu ir perspaustų apibendrinimų, radikalių vertinimų ir teiginių, kurie tinka daugybei žmonių, besielgiančių lygiai priešingai nei elgiuosi aš, apie kurį tarsi ir turėtų būti ši knyga.
Gal dėl to, siekiant kompensacijos, ir apžvalga yra labiau apie mane nei knygą. 😬
Na, o galutinai mane pribaigė šita vieta: „Sveikuose santykiuose dėl monogaminio ryšio apsisprendžiama santykiams jau įsibėgėjus“ (p. 96). Žinau, kad daug žmonių taip daro, ypač pažinčių programėlių kultūroje, kuri užprogramuoja žmogų traktuoti kaip prekę, kurią gali pasirinkti ir bet kada pakeisti kita. Jokio sveikumo tame nematau. Tai nužmoginantis požiūris, verčiantis į kiekvieną naują pažintį žvelgti kaip į naują anonimą su atitinkamu savybiu karkasu, už kurio paties žmogaus nebematoma. Todėl galima jį ignoruoti, eiti su kitu, nustoti bendrauti nepranešus, tuo pat metu manyti, kad gal kažkas rimto bus, bet šalia susitikinėti ir net miegoti su kitais. Jeigu nežiūri į žmogų pilnai kaip į tą akimirką unikaliausią žmogų pasaulyje, su kuriuo vienu tuo metu tenori būti, ir leidi sau šalia turėti „atsarginių variantų“, rinktis pagal savybes, o ne kurti gilų santykį su žmogumi dėl jo paties, tai tokie tariamai sveiki santykiai bus pasmerkti nuolatiniams kivirčams, abipusei degradacijai ir neišvengiamam žlugimui. Tai nepagarbu ir neoru kito žmogaus atžvilgiu, ir jei tokia pradžia laikoma sveika, tai ne ką sveikesni bus vidurys bei pabaiga. Ką jau padarysi, jei abejingumas, nepagarba, kito poreikių nepaisymas ir susireikšminimas vis labiau tampa sveikumo standartu...
Nepaisant viso to, vertingų įžvalgų apie save, nors ir ne daug, vis tik pavyko knygoje surasti.
June 10, 2020
Skaičiau J. G. Woititz kitą knygą 'Vaikystėje neišmoktos pamokos', kuri patiko, todėl sudomino ir ši knyga apie santykius poroje.
⠀
▪️Gera, trumpa, konkreti, informatyvi knyga apie tvirtus partnerių santykius, sunkumus iškylančius augusiems nedarniose šeimose.
⠀
▪️Labai aiškiai, suprantamai parašyta. Tikrai nekils problemų perskaityti ir suvokti esmę.
⠀
▪️Labai daug kalbama apie sunkumus santykiuose, bėdas, tų problemų šaknis, tačiau mažokai ką su tuo daryti, kaip juos spręsti. Trūko patarimų, pavyzdžių (jų yra, bet man nepakankamai). Ir šiaip, norėjosi daugiau, platesnės informacijos, gyvenimiškų pavyzdžių. Mielai dar būčiau paskaičiusi.
⠀
▪️Man patinka, kad knygos autorė psichologė, o ne šiaip gyvenimo būdo ekspertė, todėl informacija pagrįsta, tai ne kokie abstraktūs svaičiojimai.
⠀
▪️Knygą paėmiau visa tokia mandra, galvodama, kaip analizuosiu kitus, aplinkinius, juk aš pati neaugau alkoholikų šeimoje (o čia dažnai akcentuojama 'suaugusių alkoholikų vaikams') ir ką Jūs manot. Gavau šlapiu skuduru per veidą. Skaičiau ir stebėjausi, kiek tuose puslapiuose yra ar buvo manęs. Tai tik įrodo, kad knyga skirta visiems, nebūtinai alkoholikų vaikams, todėl nereiktų gąsdintis ar knygos vien todėl nurašyti. Ji gali būti naudinga mums visiems.
⠀
❗️Mėgstantiems psichologiją, norintiems knygos poros santykių tematika, išgyvenantiems sunkumus partnerystėje ir trokštantiems iš jų išbristi.
⠀
▪️Gera, trumpa, konkreti, informatyvi knyga apie tvirtus partnerių santykius, sunkumus iškylančius augusiems nedarniose šeimose.
⠀
▪️Labai aiškiai, suprantamai parašyta. Tikrai nekils problemų perskaityti ir suvokti esmę.
⠀
▪️Labai daug kalbama apie sunkumus santykiuose, bėdas, tų problemų šaknis, tačiau mažokai ką su tuo daryti, kaip juos spręsti. Trūko patarimų, pavyzdžių (jų yra, bet man nepakankamai). Ir šiaip, norėjosi daugiau, platesnės informacijos, gyvenimiškų pavyzdžių. Mielai dar būčiau paskaičiusi.
⠀
▪️Man patinka, kad knygos autorė psichologė, o ne šiaip gyvenimo būdo ekspertė, todėl informacija pagrįsta, tai ne kokie abstraktūs svaičiojimai.
⠀
▪️Knygą paėmiau visa tokia mandra, galvodama, kaip analizuosiu kitus, aplinkinius, juk aš pati neaugau alkoholikų šeimoje (o čia dažnai akcentuojama 'suaugusių alkoholikų vaikams') ir ką Jūs manot. Gavau šlapiu skuduru per veidą. Skaičiau ir stebėjausi, kiek tuose puslapiuose yra ar buvo manęs. Tai tik įrodo, kad knyga skirta visiems, nebūtinai alkoholikų vaikams, todėl nereiktų gąsdintis ar knygos vien todėl nurašyti. Ji gali būti naudinga mums visiems.
⠀
❗️Mėgstantiems psichologiją, norintiems knygos poros santykių tematika, išgyvenantiems sunkumus partnerystėje ir trokštantiems iš jų išbristi.
October 13, 2018
“Intimacy means that you have a love relationship with another person where you offer, and are offered, validation, understanding, and a sense of being valued intellectually, emotionally, and physically.“The more you are willing to share, and be shared with, the greater the degree of intimacy”
Notes:
I Who do you pick as your lower? how do you pick the lover that you do?
II What is healthy relationship? (working out differences (simple vs critical); healthy environment for growth is based on shared intimacy; not a power struggle. The two of you don't have to think the same way about all things; isnt symbiotic. You do not “have to feel the same way about all things; is not confined to a sexual relationship which must end in orgasm, but celebrates the sharing and exploring”
III PUSH AND PULL ISSUES : Look at the myths and replace them:
1. “If I am involved with you, I will lose me."TRUTH: In the real world, healthy relationships enhance the self and do not absorb it”FEAR of losing oneself-> Remember you have a choice to stick with your position, change it or adopt a new one that incorporates position of both. Practice by managing impulsive actions.
2. “If you really knew me, you wouldn't care about me.” Fear of Being Found Out. “TRUTH: You probably aren't as good an actor or actress as you think you are. Your beloved probably already really knows you. And cares about you anyway!->
3. “If you find out that I am not perfect, you will abandon me.”“TRUTH: Nobody is perfect. And perfection does not exist FEAR: Fear of abandonment: instead of idolizing relationship, confront the issue at hand and resolve it. Meet your needs! Lack of accommodation from other may mean its not the relationship you are sicking.
4. “We are as one. TRUTH: In the real world, you are you, and I am me. And there is us". Role of BONDING:Push and pull = separation
5. Being vulnerable always has negative results.TRUTH: In the real world, being vulnerable sometimes has negative results and sometimes has positive results. But it is the only route to intimacy. VULNERABILITY: open up about your feelings if you want to have a healthy relationship otherwise you will be left out. Watch out for your own resilience when expectations not met.
6. “We will never argue or criticize each other. TRUTH: In the real world, couples argue from time-to-time, and are critical of each other's behavior.” ANGER: Anger needs to be expressed, in one way or another. It needs to be recognized, acknowledged, talked over, understood, and dissipated”
7. “Anything that goes wrong is my fault. I am a terrible person." TRUTH: In the real world, some things that go wrong are your fault. Some things are not. Terrible things happen, but you are not terrible. GUILT and SHAME:
8. “In order to be lovable, I must be happy all the time." TRUTH: In the real world, sometimes people are happy, and sometimes they are not.” DEPRESSION:
9. “We will trust each other totally, automatically, and all at once. TRUTH: In the real world, trust builds slowly. TRUST: its easier to trust first then not to trust... question trust when its needed... What does trust mean in a relationship? 1. Partner doesn't abuse your feelings and share of the feelings. 2. Honesty: the other person will say what he means and mean what he says, and you will do likewise. ”3. “your partner will not willfully hurt you, and that you will not willfully hurt him/her. Tell if you felt hurt 4. “he freedom to be yourself without being judged. It means that you do not have to walk on eggs, that you can be who you are, and that the other person can be who he/she is” 5. Stability 6. “commitment to the relationship, to the degree that the couple has agreed to be committed to the relationship” 7. “confidences will be kept.”
10. “We will do everything together we will be as one." TRUTH: In the real world, couples spend time together, alone, and with friends.” BOUNDARIES: discuss it with the partner, respect and understand them
11. “You will instinctively anticipate my every need, desire, and wish. TRUTH: In the real world, if needs, desires, and wishes are not clearly communicated, it is unlikely they will be fulfilled" EXPECTATIONS: Don't cut on your gains, ask the partner for what you need. If he new desired but weren't fulfilled discuss, find out why? Have reasonable expectations
12.“If I am not in complete control at all times, there will be anarchy. TRUTH: In the real world, one is in charge of one's life and takes control of situations as needed, by conscious decision and agreement. There are also times to share control, and times to give up control. CONTROL: Balance control
13. If we really love each other, we will stay together forever. TRUTH: In the real world, people stay together and people separate for many reasons. You can love someone and still terminate a relationship. LOYALTY: understand and work out appropriate loyalty limits, do not dismiss how you were hurt
14. My partner will never take me for granted, and always be supportive and non-critical."
TRUTH: In the real world, things do not always go smoothly, but you always have a right to your feelings. VALIDATION: “The sharing of feelings helps make you closer if you have established a safe climate where sharing feelings is okay/ validate each other feelings in the conflict. “Validation does not mean agreement. It means respect for similarities and differences. It is the cornerstone of good, solid communication. Without validation, communication is merely a power play.”
IV ISSUES OF SEXUALITY
General Sexual Issues; “a couple should talk about their sexual relationship, especially their expectations.” Work out on fear to be closeness
- Incest -> victim may view it as not abused, idealised...guilt/shame.. p.69
V. What is it like to be in love with a partner that struggles for intimacy?
- Understand what your partner makes tick - what are responses and options appropriate
- Confrontation is not easy for them
- Fears: 1. Afraid that they will hurt you (afraid to violet your boundaries) 2. Outside is not real and inner side is uncomfortable. They may think that you do not see them as they really are, they don't exist. 3. Loosing control of their live. They are unsure of their lives... To counter act work out together on options, mutual agreement. 4. Attitude: It doesn't matter anyway -> it may be a testing game... confront... 5. Believe: "its not real" the relationship.... he she may start a fight for no reason...she may sabotage... offer the other half to relax and take it easy, enjoy the process . 6 Afraid that their preserve anger from past will be shown and you will run away. 7.“I am ashamed of who I am" maybe humiliated by his/hers childhood experiences. 8.“You will get to know me and find out that I am not lovable” because she may felt that she couldn't find a solution, thinking of yourself.... believe of being selfish?! 9. I want to be comfortable.... 10. You leave me anyway... fear of abandonment... jealous, possessive ...-> re- esure that you love her, be patient, do not disappoint your partner - she may over react.
SO why to bother with this partner???? Your own sense of value, working out at your own stuff, development of self of understanding, able to pin point issues and resolve them
VI. GETING IT ALL TOGETHER
- Learning what is normal
- Learning to follow through a project from beginning to the end, it doesn't happen over night, be patient. Take time developing healthy relationship, decide a head of time on limitations on investment to the relationship 60-40.. learn with time what appropriate to you
- Be honest, you can write stuff out and read it out to the partner to avoid not saying what you mean
- Look at the situation objectively..look how you behave, do not judge
- Have fun! Do not take yourself too serious! Ask the partner to come up with ideas if you cant and explain that with time you will get there. Be open to socialising- everyone has social anxiety
- Adult children have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Recognize this as a truth. It is almost a universal truth. You are not the only one who has difficulty. Accept that fact. Intimate relationships are difficult for others too; otherwise the number of divorces would not be so great.”
- Sometimes Adult child overreact to changes over which they have no control; -> know the feelings/past events trigger this?
- Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmation.-> sick your own approval-> “the relationship. If it is necessary to your feeling good about yourself, you will be very easily manipulated whenever that approval is withdrawn -> learn that the wonder of you exists regardless of another person's acknowledgment.
- Adult children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that their loyalty is undeserved -> LOYALTY TO YOURSELF MUST COME FIRST Ask yourself: “Am I getting out of this relationship what is good for me? Am I receiving to the degree that I am giving? Am I fantasizing that this relationship, because of my loyalty, will work out the way I want it to? ”
- You not alone, its ok to get support, its not easy to trust but its essential for a healthy relationship. Giving and sharing - work on responsibility
- Watch your impulsivity, take a break to observe pros and cons, make a rational decision
Notes:
I Who do you pick as your lower? how do you pick the lover that you do?
II What is healthy relationship? (working out differences (simple vs critical); healthy environment for growth is based on shared intimacy; not a power struggle. The two of you don't have to think the same way about all things; isnt symbiotic. You do not “have to feel the same way about all things; is not confined to a sexual relationship which must end in orgasm, but celebrates the sharing and exploring”
III PUSH AND PULL ISSUES : Look at the myths and replace them:
1. “If I am involved with you, I will lose me."TRUTH: In the real world, healthy relationships enhance the self and do not absorb it”FEAR of losing oneself-> Remember you have a choice to stick with your position, change it or adopt a new one that incorporates position of both. Practice by managing impulsive actions.
2. “If you really knew me, you wouldn't care about me.” Fear of Being Found Out. “TRUTH: You probably aren't as good an actor or actress as you think you are. Your beloved probably already really knows you. And cares about you anyway!->
3. “If you find out that I am not perfect, you will abandon me.”“TRUTH: Nobody is perfect. And perfection does not exist FEAR: Fear of abandonment: instead of idolizing relationship, confront the issue at hand and resolve it. Meet your needs! Lack of accommodation from other may mean its not the relationship you are sicking.
4. “We are as one. TRUTH: In the real world, you are you, and I am me. And there is us". Role of BONDING:Push and pull = separation
5. Being vulnerable always has negative results.TRUTH: In the real world, being vulnerable sometimes has negative results and sometimes has positive results. But it is the only route to intimacy. VULNERABILITY: open up about your feelings if you want to have a healthy relationship otherwise you will be left out. Watch out for your own resilience when expectations not met.
6. “We will never argue or criticize each other. TRUTH: In the real world, couples argue from time-to-time, and are critical of each other's behavior.” ANGER: Anger needs to be expressed, in one way or another. It needs to be recognized, acknowledged, talked over, understood, and dissipated”
7. “Anything that goes wrong is my fault. I am a terrible person." TRUTH: In the real world, some things that go wrong are your fault. Some things are not. Terrible things happen, but you are not terrible. GUILT and SHAME:
8. “In order to be lovable, I must be happy all the time." TRUTH: In the real world, sometimes people are happy, and sometimes they are not.” DEPRESSION:
9. “We will trust each other totally, automatically, and all at once. TRUTH: In the real world, trust builds slowly. TRUST: its easier to trust first then not to trust... question trust when its needed... What does trust mean in a relationship? 1. Partner doesn't abuse your feelings and share of the feelings. 2. Honesty: the other person will say what he means and mean what he says, and you will do likewise. ”3. “your partner will not willfully hurt you, and that you will not willfully hurt him/her. Tell if you felt hurt 4. “he freedom to be yourself without being judged. It means that you do not have to walk on eggs, that you can be who you are, and that the other person can be who he/she is” 5. Stability 6. “commitment to the relationship, to the degree that the couple has agreed to be committed to the relationship” 7. “confidences will be kept.”
10. “We will do everything together we will be as one." TRUTH: In the real world, couples spend time together, alone, and with friends.” BOUNDARIES: discuss it with the partner, respect and understand them
11. “You will instinctively anticipate my every need, desire, and wish. TRUTH: In the real world, if needs, desires, and wishes are not clearly communicated, it is unlikely they will be fulfilled" EXPECTATIONS: Don't cut on your gains, ask the partner for what you need. If he new desired but weren't fulfilled discuss, find out why? Have reasonable expectations
12.“If I am not in complete control at all times, there will be anarchy. TRUTH: In the real world, one is in charge of one's life and takes control of situations as needed, by conscious decision and agreement. There are also times to share control, and times to give up control. CONTROL: Balance control
13. If we really love each other, we will stay together forever. TRUTH: In the real world, people stay together and people separate for many reasons. You can love someone and still terminate a relationship. LOYALTY: understand and work out appropriate loyalty limits, do not dismiss how you were hurt
14. My partner will never take me for granted, and always be supportive and non-critical."
TRUTH: In the real world, things do not always go smoothly, but you always have a right to your feelings. VALIDATION: “The sharing of feelings helps make you closer if you have established a safe climate where sharing feelings is okay/ validate each other feelings in the conflict. “Validation does not mean agreement. It means respect for similarities and differences. It is the cornerstone of good, solid communication. Without validation, communication is merely a power play.”
IV ISSUES OF SEXUALITY
General Sexual Issues; “a couple should talk about their sexual relationship, especially their expectations.” Work out on fear to be closeness
- Incest -> victim may view it as not abused, idealised...guilt/shame.. p.69
V. What is it like to be in love with a partner that struggles for intimacy?
- Understand what your partner makes tick - what are responses and options appropriate
- Confrontation is not easy for them
- Fears: 1. Afraid that they will hurt you (afraid to violet your boundaries) 2. Outside is not real and inner side is uncomfortable. They may think that you do not see them as they really are, they don't exist. 3. Loosing control of their live. They are unsure of their lives... To counter act work out together on options, mutual agreement. 4. Attitude: It doesn't matter anyway -> it may be a testing game... confront... 5. Believe: "its not real" the relationship.... he she may start a fight for no reason...she may sabotage... offer the other half to relax and take it easy, enjoy the process . 6 Afraid that their preserve anger from past will be shown and you will run away. 7.“I am ashamed of who I am" maybe humiliated by his/hers childhood experiences. 8.“You will get to know me and find out that I am not lovable” because she may felt that she couldn't find a solution, thinking of yourself.... believe of being selfish?! 9. I want to be comfortable.... 10. You leave me anyway... fear of abandonment... jealous, possessive ...-> re- esure that you love her, be patient, do not disappoint your partner - she may over react.
SO why to bother with this partner???? Your own sense of value, working out at your own stuff, development of self of understanding, able to pin point issues and resolve them
VI. GETING IT ALL TOGETHER
- Learning what is normal
- Learning to follow through a project from beginning to the end, it doesn't happen over night, be patient. Take time developing healthy relationship, decide a head of time on limitations on investment to the relationship 60-40.. learn with time what appropriate to you
- Be honest, you can write stuff out and read it out to the partner to avoid not saying what you mean
- Look at the situation objectively..look how you behave, do not judge
- Have fun! Do not take yourself too serious! Ask the partner to come up with ideas if you cant and explain that with time you will get there. Be open to socialising- everyone has social anxiety
- Adult children have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Recognize this as a truth. It is almost a universal truth. You are not the only one who has difficulty. Accept that fact. Intimate relationships are difficult for others too; otherwise the number of divorces would not be so great.”
- Sometimes Adult child overreact to changes over which they have no control; -> know the feelings/past events trigger this?
- Adult children constantly seek approval and affirmation.-> sick your own approval-> “the relationship. If it is necessary to your feeling good about yourself, you will be very easily manipulated whenever that approval is withdrawn -> learn that the wonder of you exists regardless of another person's acknowledgment.
- Adult children are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that their loyalty is undeserved -> LOYALTY TO YOURSELF MUST COME FIRST Ask yourself: “Am I getting out of this relationship what is good for me? Am I receiving to the degree that I am giving? Am I fantasizing that this relationship, because of my loyalty, will work out the way I want it to? ”
- You not alone, its ok to get support, its not easy to trust but its essential for a healthy relationship. Giving and sharing - work on responsibility
- Watch your impulsivity, take a break to observe pros and cons, make a rational decision
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 3, 2019
Knygoje radau svarbių ir vertingų minčių apskritai apie santykius, jų kūrimą, ir vidinius trukdžius tam. Tai klausimai ir temos, liečiančios ne tik suaugusius alkoholikų vaikus, bet ir kiekvieną asmenį. Tiesa, kai kuri informacija kartojasi iš pirmosios autorės knygos šia tema Suaugę alkoholikų vaikai.
April 1, 2023
3.5*** as an adult child of an alcoholic, this was very validating!! I learned a lot about why I am the way I am. Quick & easy read.
“Adult children or alcoholics guess at what normal is.”
“Adult children or alcoholics guess at what normal is.”
July 15, 2018
This book was a natural transition from previously read "Toxic Parents", because as a default, families, where one of the parents or both are alcoholics, are disfunctional and therefore the children who grew up in such homes experience various difficulties. So it was like delving a bit deeper into the disfunctional family psychology, focusing solely on problems of Adult Children of Alcoholics. I've said it and I'll say it again, that I'm not a big fan of labeling people like this, but it's an approved concept and it was useful digging into the specifics of difficulties that ACAs encounter in close relationships due to their childhood experiences.
The author gives a lot of attention to the ambiguity, chaos and insecurity that are more often than not experienced by ACAs. She covers many fears of such people in a mythbusting way. The core idea is that they have such difficulties being in close relationships is that they have never seen a good example of how a normal relationship and family should function, so they make it up as they go putting very high expectations on their SOs and then getting disappointed at them and THEN believing that it was all their fault that they're so unloveable.
This book's written for both ACAs and their significant others and can help both of them get a fuller picture of what their beloved people might be going through while trying to build a new relationship. It can help lower the expectations and have a more critical look at some of the behaviours, encouraging empathy but also not letting one or another forget their needs. So, yeah, given the amount of families that encounter alcoholism problem here in Lithuania one way or another, there's a wide range of people that could benefit from this book. And, to be honest, not only them, any young couple could also find some tips on how to match their expectations here. 4/5, because it's not like it's lifechanging, but all in all really good.
The author gives a lot of attention to the ambiguity, chaos and insecurity that are more often than not experienced by ACAs. She covers many fears of such people in a mythbusting way. The core idea is that they have such difficulties being in close relationships is that they have never seen a good example of how a normal relationship and family should function, so they make it up as they go putting very high expectations on their SOs and then getting disappointed at them and THEN believing that it was all their fault that they're so unloveable.
This book's written for both ACAs and their significant others and can help both of them get a fuller picture of what their beloved people might be going through while trying to build a new relationship. It can help lower the expectations and have a more critical look at some of the behaviours, encouraging empathy but also not letting one or another forget their needs. So, yeah, given the amount of families that encounter alcoholism problem here in Lithuania one way or another, there's a wide range of people that could benefit from this book. And, to be honest, not only them, any young couple could also find some tips on how to match their expectations here. 4/5, because it's not like it's lifechanging, but all in all really good.
January 15, 2013
While I did not grow up in an alcoholic household, there was plenty of dysfunction to go around. I found this little book much more enlightening than I expected I would. I read quite a few "self-help" books and frequently I'm thinking, "yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah." Well, for a change, I really feel like I've gained some insight, courtesy of this book.
I plowed right through it but I fully intend to re-read it several times before I return it to the library. Whether you are an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) or not, if you really struggle in relationships, seriously consider giving this book a read. While it is primarily written with ACOAs in mind, if you can see beyond that and recognize that these issues arise for folks of all sorts of backgrounds, you can come away with some new insight.
There are so many factors at play when we are growing up that can infiltrate into our future relationships in ways we don't even recognize until they are subtly pointed out. A lot of the stuff Wotitiz talks about is stuff that folks who haven't been in counselling before or who aren't comfortable discussing such personal matters may have never thought about or considered before reading this book.
If nothing else, it can't hurt. It is my intention to encourage my children to read Struggle for Intimacy when they become adults because I have seen myself in both the parent and child roles presented here. And, through this separate insight, I hope that I may also become a better parent and give them better tools to work with in their own relationships in the future.
I plowed right through it but I fully intend to re-read it several times before I return it to the library. Whether you are an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) or not, if you really struggle in relationships, seriously consider giving this book a read. While it is primarily written with ACOAs in mind, if you can see beyond that and recognize that these issues arise for folks of all sorts of backgrounds, you can come away with some new insight.
There are so many factors at play when we are growing up that can infiltrate into our future relationships in ways we don't even recognize until they are subtly pointed out. A lot of the stuff Wotitiz talks about is stuff that folks who haven't been in counselling before or who aren't comfortable discussing such personal matters may have never thought about or considered before reading this book.
If nothing else, it can't hurt. It is my intention to encourage my children to read Struggle for Intimacy when they become adults because I have seen myself in both the parent and child roles presented here. And, through this separate insight, I hope that I may also become a better parent and give them better tools to work with in their own relationships in the future.
August 4, 2012
The author revised her earlier book (The Struggle for Intimacy>) to include ALL adults, not just Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) - which is this expanded, revised book.
There is also a chapter about what you can/might experience when having a relationship with an ACOA. So far, I've highlighted this book fairly heavily, compared to how I usually read this sort of book, and I'm finding it actually helpful - more than I initially anticipated.
At the direction of a couple's therapist, my on-again-off-again partner are both reading our own copies of this book. However, instinct tells me I am getting more help out of it; he is possibly getting a clearer understanding of why what's wrong is wrong between us. LOL
I'm glad to be reading this for my own understanding and self-acceptance, and the steady healing that comes from forgiveness - of myself, that is. ;)
There is also a chapter about what you can/might experience when having a relationship with an ACOA. So far, I've highlighted this book fairly heavily, compared to how I usually read this sort of book, and I'm finding it actually helpful - more than I initially anticipated.
At the direction of a couple's therapist, my on-again-off-again partner are both reading our own copies of this book. However, instinct tells me I am getting more help out of it; he is possibly getting a clearer understanding of why what's wrong is wrong between us. LOL
I'm glad to be reading this for my own understanding and self-acceptance, and the steady healing that comes from forgiveness - of myself, that is. ;)
April 30, 2023
O carte extrem de utila care diseca motivele din spatele dificultatii de a fi "intimi" cu partenerul de viata și de a construi o relație solida și trainica, pe fondul provenienței dintr-o familie disfunctionala, cu accent pe impactul alcoolismului al unuia dintre părinți.
Pe langa cauzele dificultatii adultului de a intra și dezvolta relații de cuplu sănătoase și de lunga durata, autoarea oferă mai multe sugestii și potențiale direcții de urmat ca să ajute la corectarea comportamentelor dobândite în copilărie, având un model de familie disfunctional, și care mai departe sa faciliteze dezvoltarea unei relații de cuplu sănătoase si pe termen lung, în virtutea atingerii unui prag înalt de intimitate fizica, emoțională, mentala și spirituală.
Pe langa cauzele dificultatii adultului de a intra și dezvolta relații de cuplu sănătoase și de lunga durata, autoarea oferă mai multe sugestii și potențiale direcții de urmat ca să ajute la corectarea comportamentelor dobândite în copilărie, având un model de familie disfunctional, și care mai departe sa faciliteze dezvoltarea unei relații de cuplu sănătoase si pe termen lung, în virtutea atingerii unui prag înalt de intimitate fizica, emoțională, mentala și spirituală.
November 17, 2023
Scurt, la obiect și clar explicat care sunt consecințele unei copilării într-o familie disfuncțională. Nu te lasă să te ascunzi după exprimări pompoase și să (îți) găsești scuze. Nu îți prezintă doar problemele, ci îți oferă și soluțiile cu exemple simple și explicite. Acestea oferă puțin mai multă încredere cuiva care nu are dezvoltat un limbaj sănătos de comunicare, care nu știe cum să aranjeze cuvintele în propoziție pentru a-și exprima emoțiile, iar mesajul să fie la fel cu cel recepționat de interlocutor. Este un ghid util atât pentru persoanele care provin din familii disfuncționale, cât și pentru partenerii lor, poate mai norocoși. Comunicarea eficientă ține de ambele părți, nu-i așa?
February 27, 2021
TRIGGER WARNING: This book discusses in depth issues that adults encounter who were children of dysfunctional households, including alcoholism, sexual abuse, and incest. I read this book under the advisement of my therapist.
My therapist had me read this book, and it was quite illuminating and reinforced a lot of the themes and ideas we've been discussing. I think this book would be helpful for anyone who suffered childhood abuse. What I found especially helpful were the sections on parental messages, sending the messages you intend to send, and the last chapter giving a list of characteristics of adult survivors of childhood abuse.
My therapist had me read this book, and it was quite illuminating and reinforced a lot of the themes and ideas we've been discussing. I think this book would be helpful for anyone who suffered childhood abuse. What I found especially helpful were the sections on parental messages, sending the messages you intend to send, and the last chapter giving a list of characteristics of adult survivors of childhood abuse.
February 25, 2013
I read this at the suggestion of my counselor, glad I did. This is very honest and practical advice about understanding yourself, the other, and then both of you as a couple. This book coupled with Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving" are the two best books about mature love and relationships I've come across.
March 7, 2015
This book had almost every answer I have been looking for to help me push through becoming unstuck from my relationship pattern. Although this came too late in regards to my babys daddy, at least now I will be able to differentiate myself from his behaviour towards me and I now feel more confident in my journey towards self growth.
June 23, 2023
The Struggle for Intimacy by Janet Woititz is a helpful book for understanding the common struggles encountered in intimate relationships by those who grew up in a dysfunctional family, especially with an alcoholic parent. The book is a quick read, but it offers a lot of great advice and covers a breadth of issues.
The book is mostly for the person who has experienced dysfunction in their childhood, but it also considers the perspective of their partner who loves them. The book is helpful for both understanding yourself or understanding your partner, and it offers good examples of ways to work through issues together. It also offers nice reminders about how valuable and lovable they are in a relationship, despite what they may believe about themselves.
The book illuminates many common myths people learn growing up in dysfunctional families, as well as the fears and insecurities that result. The truth of these matters is explained, how these beliefs may have been formed, and anecdotes of how others came to terms with them are shared. The book also provides suggestions on how to build a healthy relationship in light of various problems.
I would have liked to see more content focused on solutions and how to work through these deep-seated issues. However, the book does a good job at explaining the psychological dynamics, where they come from, why they don't work, and offers better alternatives. The awareness and insight offered by the author is very valuable and makes it a worthwhile read.
The book is mostly for the person who has experienced dysfunction in their childhood, but it also considers the perspective of their partner who loves them. The book is helpful for both understanding yourself or understanding your partner, and it offers good examples of ways to work through issues together. It also offers nice reminders about how valuable and lovable they are in a relationship, despite what they may believe about themselves.
The book illuminates many common myths people learn growing up in dysfunctional families, as well as the fears and insecurities that result. The truth of these matters is explained, how these beliefs may have been formed, and anecdotes of how others came to terms with them are shared. The book also provides suggestions on how to build a healthy relationship in light of various problems.
I would have liked to see more content focused on solutions and how to work through these deep-seated issues. However, the book does a good job at explaining the psychological dynamics, where they come from, why they don't work, and offers better alternatives. The awareness and insight offered by the author is very valuable and makes it a worthwhile read.
April 13, 2020
Knyga skirta suaugusių alkoholikų vaikų sunkumams, su kuriais jie susiduria norėdami sukurti savo pačių šeimas. Ir nors autorė tik paviršutiniškai užsimena apie tai, tačiau tos pačios tiesos galioje ne tik alkoholikų vaikams, bet ir visiems bet kokioje kitoje disfunkcinėje šeimoje užaugusiems.
Dr. Janet Geringer Woititz teigia, kad visus jausmus, kuriuos išgyvename kurdami tarpusavio santykius, jau buvom išgyvenę vaikystėje. Alkoholikų arba disfunkcinių šeimų vaikų problema yra ta, kad jie niekada neturėjo sveikų tarpusavio santykių pavyzdžio ir todėl savo jausmuose, kylančiose problemose ir jų sprendime nežino kaip elgtis. Psichologė atskirai nagrinėja tokius jausmus, kaip baimė prarasti save, baimė, kad jus paliks, pažeidžiamumas, pyktis, kaltė ir gėda, pasitikėjimas, ribų nustatymas ir kt.
"Didžiausi suaugusių alkoholikų vaikų patiriami sunkumai glūdi santykyje su pačiu savimi. Didžiausia jų bėda ta, kad nemano esantys vertingais, meilės vertais žmonėmis. O didžiausias pranašumas - kad būdami su jais vertingi ir mylimi jaučiatės JŪS."
Dr. Janet Geringer Woititz teigia, kad visus jausmus, kuriuos išgyvename kurdami tarpusavio santykius, jau buvom išgyvenę vaikystėje. Alkoholikų arba disfunkcinių šeimų vaikų problema yra ta, kad jie niekada neturėjo sveikų tarpusavio santykių pavyzdžio ir todėl savo jausmuose, kylančiose problemose ir jų sprendime nežino kaip elgtis. Psichologė atskirai nagrinėja tokius jausmus, kaip baimė prarasti save, baimė, kad jus paliks, pažeidžiamumas, pyktis, kaltė ir gėda, pasitikėjimas, ribų nustatymas ir kt.
"Didžiausi suaugusių alkoholikų vaikų patiriami sunkumai glūdi santykyje su pačiu savimi. Didžiausia jų bėda ta, kad nemano esantys vertingais, meilės vertais žmonėmis. O didžiausias pranašumas - kad būdami su jais vertingi ir mylimi jaučiatės JŪS."
November 18, 2018
It was okay.
Positives: is compassionate that the origin of the issues are not your fault, helps you with judging yourself less for how you are. Recognizable issues are brought up.
Negatives: a lot of focus on how the partner of the aduld child can foster understanding and accomodation to the other's disrespectful/erratic behaviour, less so focus on how the adult child can help themselves get to the root of their problems to help change their own behaviour - through theories on self-acceptance for example.
Positives: is compassionate that the origin of the issues are not your fault, helps you with judging yourself less for how you are. Recognizable issues are brought up.
Negatives: a lot of focus on how the partner of the aduld child can foster understanding and accomodation to the other's disrespectful/erratic behaviour, less so focus on how the adult child can help themselves get to the root of their problems to help change their own behaviour - through theories on self-acceptance for example.
September 6, 2019
This is a great read and a very clear one regarding familial problems and dysfunctions. It can really help you understanding people and families, the way a relationship is build between partners.
What this book is not, is a how to book. It presents and explains what the struggles are, but does not focus so much on ways of overcoming them.
What this book is not, is a how to book. It presents and explains what the struggles are, but does not focus so much on ways of overcoming them.
September 7, 2021
На мой взгляд, это очень хорошая книга. Она детально, но в то же время без лишней воды, описывает то, как алкоголизм постепенно разрушает семейные отношения и лишает детей, растущих в подобных семьях, точки опоры, вынуждая их разбираться уже во взрослом возрасте, что же такое здоровые отношения и как их построить.
Однозначно рекомендую.
Однозначно рекомендую.
January 12, 2023
The single best thing any therapist did for me was recommend this book. It's free online but I love having the physical copy. The only book in my memory that I can only read a few pages of at a time, then need to sit and process or journal. Not just for children of alcoholic parents, but of parents with substance abuse issues too. This is for sure a staple on my nightstand.
March 5, 2025
Labai gera knyga apie suaugusių alkoholikų vaikų problemas, su kuriomis jie susiduria kasdieniniame savo gyvenime. Ypač vertinga skaityti tiems, kas turi daug baimių ar iššukių dėl santykių su artimais žmonėmis ar antromis pusėmis. Ir jei tai yra santykiu pradžia.
Tikrai knyga viena iš geresnių, susijusi su alkoholizmo ir santykių problemomis.
Tikrai knyga viena iš geresnių, susijusi su alkoholizmo ir santykių problemomis.
January 18, 2018
You definitely don't have to grow up in an alcoholic family to experience the kind of insanity she describes. You can grow up with no idea what love or intimacy really are in many different family situations.
April 21, 2019
Quick, informative, and straightforward. Will be checking out more by her.
January 12, 2020
Another great book from Janet exploring why we as COA think the way we do. Good insights into how we react and why. I found it a very emotional and enlightening book.
February 22, 2020
This book knows me better than I know myself. It hit home.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews