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The Intimacy Factor: The Ground Rules for Overcoming the Obstacles to Truth, Respect, and Lasting Love
In her first book in over 10 years, Pia Mellody—author of the groundbreaking bestsellers Facing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction —shares her profound wisdom on what it takes to sustain true intimacy and trusting love in our most vital relationships. Drawing on more than 20 years' experience as a counsellor at the renowned Meadows Treatment Centre in Arizona, Mellody now shares what she has learned about why intimate relationships falter—and what makes them work. Using the most up–to–date research and real–life examples, including her own compelling personal journey, Mellody provides readers with profoundly insightful and practical ground rules for relationships that achieve and maintain joyous intimacy. This invaluable resource helps diagnose the causes of faulty relationships—many of them rooted in childhood—and provides tools for readers to heal themselves, enabling them to establish and maintain healthy relationships.
215 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2003
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August 22, 2016
Many of us are walking around with “toxic” shame, which is baggage that we’re carrying from our childhood. This book is about getting rid of that baggage so that you can develop fully as a human. A fully developed human acts with humility, aka “healthy” shame. A fully functional adult has enough self-esteem to maintain the boundaries that are necessary to have a healthy intimate relationship with another person.
A functional adult feels and can express healthy shame. When a functional adult acts imperfectly, the person feels vulnerable, embarrassed and humble. The have a sense of humility. The person thinks: Well, no one’s perfect. I’m human. I forgive myself, and I still love myself. They have faith in themselves. If they are religious, they might try to let the grace of God be with them, to accept a higher power or tell themselves: God doesn’t make mistakes, this is how they were meant to be. Functional adults in some way seek the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can change and the wisdom to know the difference.
The dysfunctional adult does not feel and express healthy shame, but rather tends to act in the extreme as a result of “toxic” shame. They wobble back and forth between thinking that they are either (1) worthless (less than human) or (2) grandiose (better than human), between feeling (1) too vulnerable or (2) invulnerable (aka narcissistic, entitled, exploitative, arrogant). They (1) feel bad about themselves to the point of self-detestation or, (2) through the delusion of perfectionism, believe they can always be “good,” can always do what they “should” do. They may be (1) too dependent on others, or (2) not able to recognize or admit that they have any needs at all. They may (1) spew out thoughts and emotions or (2) be walled in and unable to express their intimate thoughts. They may be (1) childish and immature or (2) overly mature, rigid and controlling. As explained below, this is because they were (1) a wounded child until about age 5, and then they became (2) an adapted wounded child after age 5, and they continue as adults to be guided by their “inner child.”
Healthy, authentic children display the following attributes: (1) vulnerability, (2) nascent reason—seeking to understand reality with intelligence, honesty and curiosity, (3) dependence, (4) age-appropriate immaturity and (5) exuberant energy. Adults are often dysfunctional because these attributes were squelched when they were children. This may happen because the child was disempowered or falsely empowered. Disempowerment can result from overt or covert shame. An example of overt shame is a parent who always gives his children from a very early age a message something like: “What’s wrong with you? Stop crying, be quiet, take care of yourself, why can’t you just grow up and behave?” Covert shame is a parent who doesn’t explicitly say any of these things, but subtly nudges a child toward believing these kinds of things through “positive” reinforcement when a child does what the child “should” be doing. False empowerment can come from a parent who is too dependent on a child, and the parent and child become enmeshed is a co-dependent relationship; or a child who needs to rebel and get in trouble in order to get attention from the parents.
Dysfunctional adults don’t know how to feel and express all their emotions, so feelings of sadness, fear, guilt and shame, may just come out as anger or contempt. The dysfunctional couple constantly bickers, but the things they are bickering about are not the true source of their feelings. These fights get triggered by one partner doing something that makes the other partner feel the toxic shame that the other partner felt as a child. It triggers the feelings that the other felt as a child because as a child the other partner was not able to be a healthy, authentic child. Intimacy is going to trigger feelings of toxic shame.
A dysfunctional adult does not have proper boundaries in relationships with other people.
A person with talking boundaries is able to express what they think and feel in a healthy way. They are able to state objective facts. They can express how they feel. Examples: “I am angry at you because . . ., I am afraid that . . ., I feel lonely, I want to tell you how grateful I am that you . . ., I am excited about . . ., I love you, I am embarrassed that I . . ., I regret that . . .”
A person without talking boundaries acts angrily (which is different from saying “I am angry at you because . . .”), and they express sarcasm, judgment, blame and contempt. They try to manipulate instead of stating directly what they want. They don’t take responsibility for their own feelings, but rather begin sentences with the phrase, “You’re making me feel . . .” Rather than expressing how they feel, they might say “You just don’t understand me” (which implies that the person can never understand them). Note that people should have values, and it is appropriate to be “judgmental” towards a person who is clearly doing something immoral; however, people who act judgmental all the time have a value system that is “too big.” They may think they have “good values,” but what they really have is no close family members or friends.
A person with listening boundaries can hear criticism and evaluate whether the criticism is true, false or questionable. If true, the person may immediately express sincere embarrassment or contrition and ask for forgiveness. If questionable, the person will try to understand the criticism to understand if there really is something true about that criticism. The listener is focused on trying to understand what is true about what the talker is saying—if nothing else, why the talker feels the way the talker feels. The listener might feel shame, but it is healthy shame, the feeling of being human; and the listener is still okay with being the human being that they are, even if they have done something that is a reason for being criticized.
A person without listening boundaries does not react with a healthy sense of shame. Instead, they act less than human or more than human. The less than human reaction is to “feel like shit,” to feel completely worthless, to feel like any criticism is an attack on the entirety of your being, to feel completely over-exposed. The more than human reaction is to put up a wall and act defensively, to refuse to consider the possibility that the criticism has any merit whatsoever and to try to deflect the criticism back on the talker.
When you have inherited from childhood feelings of toxic shame, you need to give it back to your parents rather than continuing to carry their shame. When we experience our own shame, we believe that someone has seen us as we really are—human and imperfect. When you can feel your own shame, you know that you are not a god. It keeps you from being judgmental toward your partner and helps you speak with humility. It keeps you the size you really are. Humility is recognizing both our weaknesses and our strengths. It is not about denying our values.
On the other hand, a person needs to feel perfectly imperfect. This means that even though you act imperfectly, you have faith that you still are perfect just the way you are. Some people just have faith in themselves, while others would say that they believe in God and that they are the way God made them. To believe that you are perfectly imperfect is to have self-esteem. If we believe we are worthless, nobody is going to be able to convince us that we are lovable and have inherent worth, because what another would tell us is in too great conflict with the bad stuff we believe about ourselves. But if we have self-esteem, we can have healthy, intimate relationships in which both partners are able to express love and feel loved.
A functional adult feels and can express healthy shame. When a functional adult acts imperfectly, the person feels vulnerable, embarrassed and humble. The have a sense of humility. The person thinks: Well, no one’s perfect. I’m human. I forgive myself, and I still love myself. They have faith in themselves. If they are religious, they might try to let the grace of God be with them, to accept a higher power or tell themselves: God doesn’t make mistakes, this is how they were meant to be. Functional adults in some way seek the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can change and the wisdom to know the difference.
The dysfunctional adult does not feel and express healthy shame, but rather tends to act in the extreme as a result of “toxic” shame. They wobble back and forth between thinking that they are either (1) worthless (less than human) or (2) grandiose (better than human), between feeling (1) too vulnerable or (2) invulnerable (aka narcissistic, entitled, exploitative, arrogant). They (1) feel bad about themselves to the point of self-detestation or, (2) through the delusion of perfectionism, believe they can always be “good,” can always do what they “should” do. They may be (1) too dependent on others, or (2) not able to recognize or admit that they have any needs at all. They may (1) spew out thoughts and emotions or (2) be walled in and unable to express their intimate thoughts. They may be (1) childish and immature or (2) overly mature, rigid and controlling. As explained below, this is because they were (1) a wounded child until about age 5, and then they became (2) an adapted wounded child after age 5, and they continue as adults to be guided by their “inner child.”
Healthy, authentic children display the following attributes: (1) vulnerability, (2) nascent reason—seeking to understand reality with intelligence, honesty and curiosity, (3) dependence, (4) age-appropriate immaturity and (5) exuberant energy. Adults are often dysfunctional because these attributes were squelched when they were children. This may happen because the child was disempowered or falsely empowered. Disempowerment can result from overt or covert shame. An example of overt shame is a parent who always gives his children from a very early age a message something like: “What’s wrong with you? Stop crying, be quiet, take care of yourself, why can’t you just grow up and behave?” Covert shame is a parent who doesn’t explicitly say any of these things, but subtly nudges a child toward believing these kinds of things through “positive” reinforcement when a child does what the child “should” be doing. False empowerment can come from a parent who is too dependent on a child, and the parent and child become enmeshed is a co-dependent relationship; or a child who needs to rebel and get in trouble in order to get attention from the parents.
Dysfunctional adults don’t know how to feel and express all their emotions, so feelings of sadness, fear, guilt and shame, may just come out as anger or contempt. The dysfunctional couple constantly bickers, but the things they are bickering about are not the true source of their feelings. These fights get triggered by one partner doing something that makes the other partner feel the toxic shame that the other partner felt as a child. It triggers the feelings that the other felt as a child because as a child the other partner was not able to be a healthy, authentic child. Intimacy is going to trigger feelings of toxic shame.
A dysfunctional adult does not have proper boundaries in relationships with other people.
A person with talking boundaries is able to express what they think and feel in a healthy way. They are able to state objective facts. They can express how they feel. Examples: “I am angry at you because . . ., I am afraid that . . ., I feel lonely, I want to tell you how grateful I am that you . . ., I am excited about . . ., I love you, I am embarrassed that I . . ., I regret that . . .”
A person without talking boundaries acts angrily (which is different from saying “I am angry at you because . . .”), and they express sarcasm, judgment, blame and contempt. They try to manipulate instead of stating directly what they want. They don’t take responsibility for their own feelings, but rather begin sentences with the phrase, “You’re making me feel . . .” Rather than expressing how they feel, they might say “You just don’t understand me” (which implies that the person can never understand them). Note that people should have values, and it is appropriate to be “judgmental” towards a person who is clearly doing something immoral; however, people who act judgmental all the time have a value system that is “too big.” They may think they have “good values,” but what they really have is no close family members or friends.
A person with listening boundaries can hear criticism and evaluate whether the criticism is true, false or questionable. If true, the person may immediately express sincere embarrassment or contrition and ask for forgiveness. If questionable, the person will try to understand the criticism to understand if there really is something true about that criticism. The listener is focused on trying to understand what is true about what the talker is saying—if nothing else, why the talker feels the way the talker feels. The listener might feel shame, but it is healthy shame, the feeling of being human; and the listener is still okay with being the human being that they are, even if they have done something that is a reason for being criticized.
A person without listening boundaries does not react with a healthy sense of shame. Instead, they act less than human or more than human. The less than human reaction is to “feel like shit,” to feel completely worthless, to feel like any criticism is an attack on the entirety of your being, to feel completely over-exposed. The more than human reaction is to put up a wall and act defensively, to refuse to consider the possibility that the criticism has any merit whatsoever and to try to deflect the criticism back on the talker.
When you have inherited from childhood feelings of toxic shame, you need to give it back to your parents rather than continuing to carry their shame. When we experience our own shame, we believe that someone has seen us as we really are—human and imperfect. When you can feel your own shame, you know that you are not a god. It keeps you from being judgmental toward your partner and helps you speak with humility. It keeps you the size you really are. Humility is recognizing both our weaknesses and our strengths. It is not about denying our values.
On the other hand, a person needs to feel perfectly imperfect. This means that even though you act imperfectly, you have faith that you still are perfect just the way you are. Some people just have faith in themselves, while others would say that they believe in God and that they are the way God made them. To believe that you are perfectly imperfect is to have self-esteem. If we believe we are worthless, nobody is going to be able to convince us that we are lovable and have inherent worth, because what another would tell us is in too great conflict with the bad stuff we believe about ourselves. But if we have self-esteem, we can have healthy, intimate relationships in which both partners are able to express love and feel loved.
September 27, 2011
Pia Mellody is Senior Clinical Advisor for The Meadows, one of the top addiction treatment centers in the country, and a respected therapist and author of books on codependency and sexual addiction. The Intimacy Factor explores family of origin dysfunction that is the root cause of many of our unhealthy adult behaviors, especially addictions. This book should be required reading for all married couples who want to become parents.
February 28, 2015
Excellent personal and professional resource on the use of boundaries in improving our relationships.
July 14, 2015
Excellent
Very helpful insight into why we do what we do. A must read for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and has no idea how to navigate in relationships.
Very helpful insight into why we do what we do. A must read for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional family and has no idea how to navigate in relationships.
January 6, 2022
I love Pia! I wish I could have read this a decade ago. Reading it sometimes felt like the ice bucket challenge for my soul. Like, "Hey! Wake up! You don't have to live this way!" Helpful for those who grew up in a dysfunctional family of origin and want to let go of toxic shame.
April 14, 2013
The core message from the book and the key to intimacy is acknowledging the truth of who we are and respecting the truth of others. By establishing effective boundaries, we learn to maintain our inherent worth, express our truth, and are open to hearing and respecting others. The book delves into a deep examination of the childhood traumas that we bring forward into adulthood and constrict our ability to establish solid relationships. It takes time and effort to work thru boundaries with your partner. This book has a number of exercises to help establish effective patterns of talking and listening. I especially liked her discussion about truth. Different from honesty - your truth is about communicating what you saw, felt, heard with no adjectives - just speak so that you are known without controlling or manipulating. Our truth is our perception but is the best method to communicate our thoughts and emotions. The ability to talk and listen without interference from our trauma, our attachments and our projections is fundamental to a successful relationship.
May 9, 2023
I really enjoyed reading this, I found myself thinking about it when I wasn't reading it, and as soon as I had time, jumping back into it.
Mellody explores how trauma in our childhood can impact our relationships, specifically our romantic relationships. Although it was quite technical in laying its therapeutic groundwork, it was still digestible that you could take practical advice away.
I thought her take on boundaries was amazing. Often boundaries can be quite superficial, and hard to define, and implement. Mellody provides numerous examples of situations where healthy boundaries exist, and the likely outcome of that situation. For someone who has had fewer boundaries in the past, it few likes I'm learning a whole new language. Ever since reading it, I've been thinking about how I can apply it in my life, and almost see her framework in every conversation.
I've listed out a few quotes I liked below...
“When we are in a relationship, we are called on to give body, thoughts, and emotions to our partners and to accept body, thoughts, and emotions from them.”
"Where there is hysteria, there is history."
"You cannot “nice” someone into a relationship. When you are being nice to a person instead of being real, you are not in the truth of who you are. You are being manipulative, creating the illusion of a relationship disguised behind the “mask of nice.” Since the mask of nice does not offer truth and intimacy, it is nonrelational."
"We choose our behavior. The world chooses our consequences. We do not know what the consequences of our behavior will be, and we cannot control outcomes, only inputs. The consequences come as a result of whatever the people around us think about what we have done and how they act in turn. Chance also enters in, and we can control neither others nor chance. The expression “Let go and let God” has the truth of this maxim at its center, and so does the concept of “surrender.”"
"Date only the people you admire enough to criticize. Dating should be about finding out who our potential partner is. But when we date and find someone we really like, rather than putting in the time to find out who he or she really is, we spend our time ignoring that. We focus only on the parts of our date that we find pleasant and try to dismiss the rest. As the relationship ages, the opposite happens, and we focus on what we don’t like and ignore what we do."
"Setting up a boundary with those who are boundaryless makes them feel abandoned. Boundaryless individuals are used to getting too close, used to being in another person’s face, so that even the healthy moderate distance of a boundary threatens them. At the other extreme, when you ask persons who habitually use a wall for a boundary to let go of that wall and move into contained vulnerability, they feel too naked, too vulnerable."
"Sex is not the equivalent of a handshake or emptying your bladder. Since it is easier to be sexual without vulnerability than with it, object sex can become a pernicious habit and infect lovemaking even with someone about whom you care deeply. Using sex to introduce yourself to somebody is not good self-care, because you don’t know the person well enough to be doing something that intimate. Becoming emotionally vulnerable with someone you don’t know is dangerous. It is also spiritually cynical to use sex like a convenient discharge of effluents."
"A relationship with an unconscious person is impossible. This maxim is true in two senses. In one sense, no relational health will ever be achieved if one member is an active substance abuser. The other sense in which being unconscious precludes relationality is when dysfunctional people remain ignorant of their traumatic past and are, therefore, incapable of freeing themselves from its compulsions."
"Nothing in a relationship is improved by marriage. Marriage tends to intensify problems. Marriage is about committing to a person and a relationship. It is not about improving things. The obverse wisdom is “Everything in a marriage is improved by a relationship.”"
Mellody explores how trauma in our childhood can impact our relationships, specifically our romantic relationships. Although it was quite technical in laying its therapeutic groundwork, it was still digestible that you could take practical advice away.
I thought her take on boundaries was amazing. Often boundaries can be quite superficial, and hard to define, and implement. Mellody provides numerous examples of situations where healthy boundaries exist, and the likely outcome of that situation. For someone who has had fewer boundaries in the past, it few likes I'm learning a whole new language. Ever since reading it, I've been thinking about how I can apply it in my life, and almost see her framework in every conversation.
I've listed out a few quotes I liked below...
“When we are in a relationship, we are called on to give body, thoughts, and emotions to our partners and to accept body, thoughts, and emotions from them.”
"Where there is hysteria, there is history."
"You cannot “nice” someone into a relationship. When you are being nice to a person instead of being real, you are not in the truth of who you are. You are being manipulative, creating the illusion of a relationship disguised behind the “mask of nice.” Since the mask of nice does not offer truth and intimacy, it is nonrelational."
"We choose our behavior. The world chooses our consequences. We do not know what the consequences of our behavior will be, and we cannot control outcomes, only inputs. The consequences come as a result of whatever the people around us think about what we have done and how they act in turn. Chance also enters in, and we can control neither others nor chance. The expression “Let go and let God” has the truth of this maxim at its center, and so does the concept of “surrender.”"
"Date only the people you admire enough to criticize. Dating should be about finding out who our potential partner is. But when we date and find someone we really like, rather than putting in the time to find out who he or she really is, we spend our time ignoring that. We focus only on the parts of our date that we find pleasant and try to dismiss the rest. As the relationship ages, the opposite happens, and we focus on what we don’t like and ignore what we do."
"Setting up a boundary with those who are boundaryless makes them feel abandoned. Boundaryless individuals are used to getting too close, used to being in another person’s face, so that even the healthy moderate distance of a boundary threatens them. At the other extreme, when you ask persons who habitually use a wall for a boundary to let go of that wall and move into contained vulnerability, they feel too naked, too vulnerable."
"Sex is not the equivalent of a handshake or emptying your bladder. Since it is easier to be sexual without vulnerability than with it, object sex can become a pernicious habit and infect lovemaking even with someone about whom you care deeply. Using sex to introduce yourself to somebody is not good self-care, because you don’t know the person well enough to be doing something that intimate. Becoming emotionally vulnerable with someone you don’t know is dangerous. It is also spiritually cynical to use sex like a convenient discharge of effluents."
"A relationship with an unconscious person is impossible. This maxim is true in two senses. In one sense, no relational health will ever be achieved if one member is an active substance abuser. The other sense in which being unconscious precludes relationality is when dysfunctional people remain ignorant of their traumatic past and are, therefore, incapable of freeing themselves from its compulsions."
"Nothing in a relationship is improved by marriage. Marriage tends to intensify problems. Marriage is about committing to a person and a relationship. It is not about improving things. The obverse wisdom is “Everything in a marriage is improved by a relationship.”"
May 18, 2024
I enjoyed this more than Facing Codependence as the subject matter felt more appropriate to be explored in a qualitative way, which is Pia's M.O. - I left feeling mostly satisfied, although there were some terms Pia used (a series of childhood abuse archetypes) that went unexplained, and I would have loved a section going through those.
I really liked some of Pia's maxims -
You can't be distant and caring, lead your life and see who shows up, date only people you admire enough to criticize, our own experience of shame makes it possible to be relational, a relationship with an unconscious person is impossible, nothing in a relationship is improved by marriage.
I really liked some of Pia's maxims -
You can't be distant and caring, lead your life and see who shows up, date only people you admire enough to criticize, our own experience of shame makes it possible to be relational, a relationship with an unconscious person is impossible, nothing in a relationship is improved by marriage.
May 8, 2019
This books talks a lot about boundaries, which is very challenging for me. The book basically challenged every single belief I had about boundaries, because of my unhealthy immature parents. For the first time I now am learning all about boundaries: what are they, what do they mean, when to use them, and how to still love someone while having your own boundaries. I have to say I didn’t get all of it. It’s a book I feel like I need to come back to and read again. Fantastic read!
December 28, 2020
This was a very counselor-led look at how our inability to deal with our feelings, and especially our fears, keeps us from intimacy: "...adaptations we make to disguise our sense of inadequacy follow us surreptitiously into our adult lives and make it painful for us to have healthy relationships that lead to intimacy."
June 13, 2024
Wow. Arguably the best book on relationships I’ve ever read. We are all perfectly imperfect. “If we don’t esteem ourselves, we can’t believe another can love or esteem us.” Such a great book in staying centered in OURSELVES so we can love from a place of TRUTH and ABUNDANCE, all while staying true to our boundaries and needs!!!
May 28, 2017
I'm going to need to pick through this a few times to be ready to apply it. The language was off-putting at times (too psych-y for me). But I think there are techniques here that will be helpful in dealing with my past and making space for relationships in the present.
November 17, 2017
An honest, clear and immensely helpful book, which really helped ground me while going through a difficult patch in relationship. "Supportive" is a key word here, which is exactly what one wants and needs while looking for perspective while navigating the fast-changing seas of intimacy.
July 31, 2018
Love Pia Melody, especially if you are working with couples (therapy) or with a client who is a love “addict or avoidant”. Pia is amazing in her work and theories. If you are in the helping profession any of Apia’s books are a must read.
May 15, 2021
An excellent book on learning how to set healthy boundaries and emotional self- regulation. I found the concept of "carried shame" very interesting and it helped me to better understand dynamics that contribute to dysfunctionality.
June 20, 2024
I didn't like this whole book, including Mellody'slong lists of "don'ts"--lists of "do's" would be much more useful. However, the explanations of different types of boundaries and how to implement them with love and care were exceptionally useful and made me feel it was worthy of 4 stars.
July 31, 2018
Well written and quite informative. A guide for partners and parents to read about self love, boundaries and listening.
February 17, 2019
Pia breaks it down perfectly
She explains the addiction so very well, in understandable terms and ties it all in to our childhood and families of origin. Really enjoy her work.
She explains the addiction so very well, in understandable terms and ties it all in to our childhood and families of origin. Really enjoy her work.
March 28, 2019
She explains the addiction so very well, in understandable terms and ties it all in to our childhood and families of origin. Really enjoy her work.
September 10, 2019
Great discussion of boundaries and how they apply in relationships.
December 30, 2019
After years of reading books about work relationships this book was a fresh self-discovery book.
December 23, 2023
I love Pia Mellody so so so so so much this book was so helpful and opened my eyes so much
February 11, 2024
Sometimes a little verbose and over my head. Does have a few good points and exercises.
May 17, 2024
This books points the trauma from our childhood that affects us. The mutual relationship, marriage problems, etc.
July 11, 2024
1.5 stars
November 19, 2025
this book helped me so much. It took me a couple years to read because I would only pick it up when I felt a pull to. It goes so deep that you need to be prepared to absorb it.
February 8, 2019
A good book in many ways
I found the first part to be a diffecult read. I dint know a lot of the used word, and it I was having a hard time, keeping a overview. The rest of the book was easy to digest, and in an understandable language. The book contains many good examples, on how to set boundaries, in situations where they are clearly overstepped. But I missed examples of how to implement the boundary work, in situations where both parts feel like their boundaries are being overstepped.
Last part of the book, is about how to implement some of Mellodys therapeutic methods. It was inspiring to read.
All in all, I am happy that I read the book, and I learned something from it
I found the first part to be a diffecult read. I dint know a lot of the used word, and it I was having a hard time, keeping a overview. The rest of the book was easy to digest, and in an understandable language. The book contains many good examples, on how to set boundaries, in situations where they are clearly overstepped. But I missed examples of how to implement the boundary work, in situations where both parts feel like their boundaries are being overstepped.
Last part of the book, is about how to implement some of Mellodys therapeutic methods. It was inspiring to read.
All in all, I am happy that I read the book, and I learned something from it
February 9, 2016
A lot of great information presented in a gentle and concise way. The introductory chapters feel a bit rudimentary if you're already familiar with books regarding boundaries and trauma. The meat of the book is really the central portion where Mellody presents concepts related to the "talking boundary" and "listening boundaries". To me, this felt like a fairly new and ingenious way to think about the issue of personal boundaries. Some of the case examples were repetitive, but I think they were needed for those of us who think less abstractly.
November 14, 2024
it is written at a high level - like a text book and I find myself having to go over pages twice, BUT it is really really useful for understanding dysfunctional people's reactions to certain discussions and the way they talk. I am finding it highly useful and too bad I didn't read it 20 yrs ago!
If you have dysfunctional family members, this is a must read.
After having finished it, it does have value, but I can't give it more than 3 stars due to its reading like a textbook.
If you have dysfunctional family members, this is a must read.
After having finished it, it does have value, but I can't give it more than 3 stars due to its reading like a textbook.
February 10, 2012
Geared more toward the professional, but provides a clear window into how her therapy works to overcome life long obstacles in relationships. Offers insightful suggestions in how to decipher truth about self and respect the truth of others... the portals through which true intimacy and spirituality enter.
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