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Fear of Intimacy
Book by Firestone, Robert W., Catlett, Joyce
358 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
February 3, 2009
In reading this book, I came to understand how defensiveness becomes solidified, how the patterns of one's past can persist and interfere with the building of true connectedness with another person. Whether you might find Firestone's methods to build intimacy useful, he clearly explains how and why relationships become routinized, spontaneity disappears, and there is a loss of interest in one another. Just the recognition of one's stumbling blocks is useful in moving forward, no matter which method you might embrace to change them.
February 8, 2020
The cover of this book depicts a man's strong desire for being in the present moment with his significant other but simply not being able to. And why is that so? Because of this same book's title: the fear of intimacy.
This book successfully explains why most of us have this painful duality inside of ourselves: wanting but at the same time avoiding having a close, loving, intimate relationship. Why instead of taking a step towards a stable and gratifying union with another person, we rather take a detour to a lonely but familiar alley.
Doctors Firestone and Catlett's years of study and research are crystalized in concepts such as "fantasy bond", "voice therapy" and "transference" which are key tools to unravel this seemingly universal mystery.
Case studies in the book tie up and make pop into reality all the theory shown throughout the text. It truly is heart-warming reading through all these people's stories; and you can't help but feeling empathy for them and yourself after reading that one paragraph that feels like you would have said it yourself during therapy.
Fear of intimacy is not a light or easy read, but it's such a rewarding one. Make sure to have a look if you've ever felt like there's this "voice" inside your head that just holds you back from truly grasping happiness (in any facet of your life but specially) in intimate relationships.
This book successfully explains why most of us have this painful duality inside of ourselves: wanting but at the same time avoiding having a close, loving, intimate relationship. Why instead of taking a step towards a stable and gratifying union with another person, we rather take a detour to a lonely but familiar alley.
Doctors Firestone and Catlett's years of study and research are crystalized in concepts such as "fantasy bond", "voice therapy" and "transference" which are key tools to unravel this seemingly universal mystery.
Case studies in the book tie up and make pop into reality all the theory shown throughout the text. It truly is heart-warming reading through all these people's stories; and you can't help but feeling empathy for them and yourself after reading that one paragraph that feels like you would have said it yourself during therapy.
Fear of intimacy is not a light or easy read, but it's such a rewarding one. Make sure to have a look if you've ever felt like there's this "voice" inside your head that just holds you back from truly grasping happiness (in any facet of your life but specially) in intimate relationships.
February 14, 2025
Una pena que este libro esté descatalogado. Un ensayo psicológico muy interesante que explica cómo el entorno donde crecemos, así como la relación con y entre nuestros padres, define —en parte— nuestra manera de vincularnos como adultos. Perfecto para hacer autocrítica; útil como herramienta de autoconocimiento.
April 12, 2008
This book is definately interesting, but given his preface I am curious about his methods... It seems to come from a very psychoanalytic point of view. There do seem to be some valid conclusions, yet I am not convinced (yet) that they are universally applicable. I need to do more research on the book, the author, and his research.
January 1, 2020
A powerful book that's sometimes overwhelming. Fear of intimacy is generated in response to childhood trauma( which all experience in one form or another), it's irreversible and induces defenses that both protect you and grievously harm your capacity for love and intimacy. This applies to friendships, romantic relationships, parent child, probably every relationship. You're essentially programmed in early childhood to sabotage your relationships and yourself through destructive thoughts that you're unlikely to be fully aware of.
There's a powerful exposition of exactly how that happens with case studies. It really is true that as a man thinketh so is he.
I am not sure the final chapter was necessary on therapy/transference counter transference etc -perhaps it was in a spirit of full disclosure? Makes you all the more skeptical about therapy.
This is a must must read.
There's a powerful exposition of exactly how that happens with case studies. It really is true that as a man thinketh so is he.
I am not sure the final chapter was necessary on therapy/transference counter transference etc -perhaps it was in a spirit of full disclosure? Makes you all the more skeptical about therapy.
This is a must must read.
February 18, 2016
An important book about some dynamics that occur in relationships. Technical and great for therapists or people interested in relationship psychology.
November 19, 2019
A great understanding of how in our early developing years can contribute to defenses that carry over in to later years. If you withdraw or hold out your independence and communication in relationships you can cause conflict with the relationship and yourself. Robert W. Firestone truly has deep insight into both men and women, and how our own inner voice contributes to our own self worth. When reading you will deepen your inner thoughts and hopefully understand how vulnerability and communication is not weakness but rather the strength to deepen ourselves and all relationships.
August 20, 2026
A dense, textbook-style read but quite therapeutic for me. Even though it was written in the late ‘90s, it packs a lot of research and insights that I still find relevant 25+ years later. I’m glad I bought the book so I could take my time and highlight. Of course not all of the dialogue and case studies resonated with me, and it did take me two years to finally finish the book, but it was a worthwhile journey that brought a lot to the surface.
February 7, 2019
If I could give this book extra stars I would!
It helped me discover many things about how I relate to people, my challanges and expectations in a relationship.
Not a light read, but accessible for a non-specialist pasionate psychology reader.
It helped me discover many things about how I relate to people, my challanges and expectations in a relationship.
Not a light read, but accessible for a non-specialist pasionate psychology reader.
April 14, 2022
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*5 stars*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
“To love one another truly is to walk in the light, to live in truth, to be truly alive, and perfectly free.”
Most broken relationships are run by an internalized "voice" that creates hostile thought processes. Likewise, many marital problems are because of disruptive modes of defense based on each person's negative voices. This internal voice predisposes a lack of tolerance to feel close to oneself and another person. Mistaken as self-parenting, this voice literally becomes an alien 'self' that creates fantasy bonds with others, and makes the person engage in a victimized stance and different forms of self-denial.
No relationship problem, however, is impervious to change, providing each party is willing to risk vulnerability- which this book goes on to prove, using different results from voice therapy done on individuals. As this book generously argues, happiness is a by-product of extending oneself in love and generosity and making your priorities coincide with the well-being and happiness of others. Every individual also has the real 'self,' which engages in goal-directed behavior, realistic self-appraisal, and is sexual. This is one of the best books I've read about intimacy, and would highly recommend it to anyone looking for ways to improve their relationships with others.
“To love one another truly is to walk in the light, to live in truth, to be truly alive, and perfectly free.”
Most broken relationships are run by an internalized "voice" that creates hostile thought processes. Likewise, many marital problems are because of disruptive modes of defense based on each person's negative voices. This internal voice predisposes a lack of tolerance to feel close to oneself and another person. Mistaken as self-parenting, this voice literally becomes an alien 'self' that creates fantasy bonds with others, and makes the person engage in a victimized stance and different forms of self-denial.
No relationship problem, however, is impervious to change, providing each party is willing to risk vulnerability- which this book goes on to prove, using different results from voice therapy done on individuals. As this book generously argues, happiness is a by-product of extending oneself in love and generosity and making your priorities coincide with the well-being and happiness of others. Every individual also has the real 'self,' which engages in goal-directed behavior, realistic self-appraisal, and is sexual. This is one of the best books I've read about intimacy, and would highly recommend it to anyone looking for ways to improve their relationships with others.
August 15, 2012
Given the shelf this book is in I obviously didn't finish it. However, I read more than half of it and I highly recommend it. It is a collection of articles by two psychologist that present relationships from a variety of vantage points.
July 14, 2008
This book looks soooo cheesy but it is so incredible. Even if you aren't in a relationship, you'll learn a lot about yourself.
May 26, 2012
Interesting theories. Certainly the part about attachment theory is great, but a little cultish and compoundish.
December 21, 2012
Interesting how it talks about activities like reading are barriers to our relationships with others.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews