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Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
“If you’re hesitant to pull the trigger when things obviously aren't working out, Henry Cloud’s Necessary Endings may be the most important book you read all year.” —Dave Ramsey, New York Times bestselling author of The Total Money Makeover
“Cloud is a wise, experienced, and compassionate guide through [life’s] turbulent passages.” —Bob Buford, bestelling author of Halftime and Finishing Well ; founder of the Leadership Network
Henry Cloud, the bestselling author of Integrity and The One-Life Solution , offers this mindset-altering method for proactively correcting the bad and the broken in our businesses and our lives. Cloud challenges readers to achieve the personal and professional growth they both desire and deserve—and gives crucial insight on how to make those tough decisions that are standing in the way of a more successful business and, ultimately, a better life.
“Cloud is a wise, experienced, and compassionate guide through [life’s] turbulent passages.” —Bob Buford, bestelling author of Halftime and Finishing Well ; founder of the Leadership Network
Henry Cloud, the bestselling author of Integrity and The One-Life Solution , offers this mindset-altering method for proactively correcting the bad and the broken in our businesses and our lives. Cloud challenges readers to achieve the personal and professional growth they both desire and deserve—and gives crucial insight on how to make those tough decisions that are standing in the way of a more successful business and, ultimately, a better life.
238 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2011
1863 people are currently reading
11478 people want to read
About the author
Henry Cloud
210 books2,168 followersDr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 592 reviews
April 10, 2020
Perhaps the best book I've read thus far this year. I highly recommend this book.
A few insights:
"Getting to the next level always requires something, leaving it behind and moving on. Growth itself demands that we move on. Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them."
"Good cannot begin until bad ends." Endings are not only part of life, they are a requirement for living and thriving.
"Am I having on to an activity, product, strategy or relationship whose season has passed?"
Accept Life Cycles and Seasons. There are the tasks of spring, summer, harvest and winter. Be aware of the seasons.
Reality is tough but as Woody Allen said, "Reality is still the only place to get a good steak."
Take a piece of paper and divide it in two columns.
On the first column write down all the things you don't have control over.
On the second column, write down things that you do have control over.
Focus on the second column.
True hope, true perseverance = a real reason to believe that tomorrow is going to be different from today.
The past is the best predictor of the future.
FOUR QUESTIONS OF HOPE:
1. What has the performance been so far?
2. Is it good enough?
3. Is there anything in place that would make it different?
4. If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same?
There are three kinds of people:
1. Wise people -- they welcome constructive feedback.
2. Foolish people -- they reject constructive feedback.
3. Evil people -- they destroy. Have nothing to do with them.
The mature person meets the demands of life, while the immature person demands that life meet their demands.
A few insights:
"Getting to the next level always requires something, leaving it behind and moving on. Growth itself demands that we move on. Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them."
"Good cannot begin until bad ends." Endings are not only part of life, they are a requirement for living and thriving.
"Am I having on to an activity, product, strategy or relationship whose season has passed?"
Accept Life Cycles and Seasons. There are the tasks of spring, summer, harvest and winter. Be aware of the seasons.
Reality is tough but as Woody Allen said, "Reality is still the only place to get a good steak."
Take a piece of paper and divide it in two columns.
On the first column write down all the things you don't have control over.
On the second column, write down things that you do have control over.
Focus on the second column.
True hope, true perseverance = a real reason to believe that tomorrow is going to be different from today.
The past is the best predictor of the future.
FOUR QUESTIONS OF HOPE:
1. What has the performance been so far?
2. Is it good enough?
3. Is there anything in place that would make it different?
4. If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same?
There are three kinds of people:
1. Wise people -- they welcome constructive feedback.
2. Foolish people -- they reject constructive feedback.
3. Evil people -- they destroy. Have nothing to do with them.
The mature person meets the demands of life, while the immature person demands that life meet their demands.
February 23, 2012
This is a book to read slowly....very slowly. Read Chapter One and then spend a week thinking about it. Do that for each chapter - meditate on it. There is so much good advice dripping from every page. So many times, change = loss in life. Many times the change is necessary, whether it be moving to a new place, taking a new job or cutting ties with someone in your life. We mourn the loss created by the change, whether the change was good or not. This book provides insight into our feelings and makes it easier to swallow the loss - or better yet - deal with it positively.
May 8, 2011
I should just buy this book, and highlight.
I find it sometimes hard to read books by Henry Cloud, and this one seemed mostly applicable to business, but the more I read, the more helpful it was. Following are the most helpful (to me) excerpts:
page 49: "I have watched well-meaning people literally waste years and millions of dollars trying to bring someone along who is not coming. And often the person may have lots of other talent that the leader doesn't want to lose, or he likes the person so much that he is willing to try over and over again...come to grips with the fact that some people--no matter how much you give them or how much you try to help them improve their performance...are not going to change. At least not now, and not as a result of anything you are doing. Accept it..."
page 66-67: "Another relational map is feeling responsible for another person's pain when the enabling is ended...it is a form of caring gone awry. People enable others because they care. But this kind of caring is not caring at all and is destructive to the person being helped. It is a toxic dependency. It keeps adult kids dependent on parents long after they should have been independent adults...there is a difference between helping someone who is disabled, incapable, or otherwise infirm versus helping someone who is resisting growing up and taking care of what every adult (or child, for that matter) has to be responsible for: herself or himself. When you find yourself in any way paying for someone else's responsibilities, not only are you stuck with a delayed ending, but you are probably harming that person."
Page 69: "In the family-owned businesses, the failure-to-launch syndrome can become a business practice...people in their twenties or older, who are living with parents and have not been able to successfully launch into adulthood. Certainly there are circumstances in which living with parents makes sense...But sometimes the situation is not good and enables a child-like dependency in an adult. (In some situations, you cannot even call it a healthy childlike dependency, as many times these twenty-somethings have no chores, requirements, or reponsibilities, not is their living with parents in service of anything else, like further education.)
Page 74: "...successful people...all have one thing in common: They get in touch with reality...you must finally see reality for what it is...what is not working is not going to magically being working...The awareness of hopelessness is what finally brings people to the reality of the pruning moment. It is the moment when they wake up, realize that an ending must occur, and finally feel energized to do it. Nothing mobilizes us like a firm dose of reality. Whether is is finally getting an addict to hit bottom and end a destructive pattern or getting a CEO in front of a bankruptcy judge to force the restructuring that he has been avoiding, only reality gets us to do difficult things."
Page 87 ff: "It is imperative that you give up hope if your hope is not hope at all but just an empty wish. But how do we know the difference between wishing and hoping?...definitions of hope contain two elements..."desire or expectation" for something in the future to occur...second is..."grounds for believing" that something...will occur...The real problem is when have have one without the other: a desire without any grounds. That is hope based not on reality but on our desires, our wishes...In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending...As the saying goines, "Hope is not a strategy." This kind of hope is not worth spending more time and resources on. It is only buying you the time to continue to make more mistakes. If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging...While hope is a great virtue, hope in unreality is not. And sometimes hopeless is the best virtue you have, because it can finally get you to the pruning moment...to hang on to false hope is a fantasy that can end in dismal failure."
Page 92: "The past is the best predictor."
Page 95: "The past does not lie. Of course, you might...ask, "Can't someone do better than their past?" Of course!...the key is this: There had better be good reason to believe that someone is going to do better. Without any new information or actions, though, the past is the best predictor of the future."
Page 96: "...am I willing to sign up for more of the same?"
Page 97: "I was talking to a wealthy friend one time about the ways that he invests his money...He told me that he does not invest in businesses, other than his own...I disagreed, as I knew of several that he had invested in..."Not true," he said, "I did not invest in those businesses...What I invested in was what I always invest in: the person...I knew the leader and his or her team, their track record, and their character. That is what I was investing in, not the business..."...What kind of person deserves our trust, and when do we believe that someone can change?"
Page 99: "...unless something changes, the future that you can expect is more of the past. Sorry or becoming committed does not make Jim Carrey a great golfer, or made Jack nicklaus funny. Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future."
Page 102 ff: "People change...But...not always...you can waste more time, even years...when can I have hope that a person is going to be different...look for the objective reasons to hope...You need a "reason to believe". Here are nine object factors...Verifiable Involvement in a Proven Change Process; Additional Structure; Monitoring Systems; New Experiences and Skills; Self-sustaining motivation...Look at the degree to which you are having to drive the process; Admission of Need; The Presence of Support; Skilled Help; Some Success."
Page 133: "...the foll...rejects the feedback, resists it, explains it away, and does nothing to adjust to meet its requirements. In short, The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it."
Page 134-5: "Traits of Foolish Persons. When given feedback, they are defensive...come back at you with a reason why it is not their fault...When a mistake is pointed out, they externalize the mistake and blame someone else...attempts to talk about problems create conflict, alienation, or a breach in the relationship...Sometimes, they immediately shift the blame to you...use minimization...rationalize...excuses are rampant...never take ownership...emotional response has nothing to do with remorse; instead they get angry at you for being on their case...see themselves as the victim...world is divided into the good guys and the bad guys. The good guys are the ones who agree with them and see them as good, and the bad ones are the ones who don't think that they are perfect...lack of ownership of the issue and a refusal to take responsibility...want outside world to change instead of them."
Page 137: "So stop talking. At least about the problem."
Page 142: "When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing."
Page 143: "With wise people, talk to them, give them resources, and you will get a return. With foolish people, stop talking to them about problems; they are not listening. And stop supplying resources; they squander them. Instead give them limits and consequences. With evil people, to quote a Warren Zevon song, the strategy is "Lawyers, Guns and Money."...You have to go into protection mode, not helping mode...I use that phrase to symbolize resources that you use to protect yourself...The bottom line with evil is to stay away, create the firmest protective ending that you can, and get real help to do it. Use your lawyers, law enforcement (that is the guns part), and your financial resources to make sure that you will not be hurt by someone who is trying to destroy you...do not talk to evil people at all, period. "You can communicate with me through my attorney" is a phrase that exists for a reason."
Page 174: "Getting people to finally see the stark incompatibility of certain desires is often what finally gets them unstuck...I met a woman who defined herself as stuck. She was in a relationship that was not all that she wanted...He did not have the "drive" that she desired...So when I asked her why she didn't go after the kind that she wanted, she would say, "because I want him. I love him." "But I though you wanted someone who was more like the driver...type," I said. "I do...But he is so great is other ways...I want to be with him, too," she said. "Too?"...sometimes we want two or more things that can't coexist...incompatible wishes...Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another. The immature mind "wants it all." But...most valuable things come with a cost...we have to give up some things for others."
Page 182: "If you are going to do it "later," then when will that be? Set a date. What real reason do you have for waiting?...If there is not a real contingency, then why are you waiting?"
Page 186: "The maturity to discern when to remain invested in a relationship or situation and when to let go of one is the same. You have to be able to see the whole reality in both situations, the one that you keep and the one that you don't. Otherwise, lasting relationships cannot happen, and bad ones cannot end...we are willing to deal with the negatives to have the positives...commitment...if we...don't love it...ending needed..."
Page 195: "He would be the one to decide whether or not he wanted to be with her. She set the standards for what being with her meant, and he could decide whether or not it was a match. It was his decision, and he could self-select. Good for her as she did not have to judge anymore. Instead, her standards would be the judge. Good for him, as she was no longer going to nag but instead would let him decide whether or not he wanted to be with her in the ways that she required. No bad guy anywhere. Everyone was free again."
Page 197 ff: "Self-selection for yourself works the same way. Set the standard: "If the business has not turned aprofit by the end of this year, I shut it down."...I live in L.A. and know many people...trying to make it in the entertainment or music industry...When to quit?...have a date out there...it is a good idea to know how much of your life or resources you want to spend on something before you lose them all..."
Page 204: "...when someone cares about how a person feels, there is the temptation to go squishy on the truth, because the truth hurts. So we tend to get a bit codependent in these kinds of conversations...truth suffers, and often the ending gets flimsy...on the other hand, if you are insensitive to people and just interested in the "truth"...you might really hurt someone needlessly...it is still to your advantage to get this right and begin to care, because if you don't, it has a much greater chance of going bad...If something is not right for one party, it is not right for the other one, either...The truth is painful but best in the end."
Page 208: "Many times...the person will not like hearing what you are saying...But the only person you can control in the conversation is yourself, so stay on message. Whether or not she gets it is not in your control. But remaining empathetic and clear is in your control...Sometimes there is so much danger of distortion...that you should make sure that you have someone in the conversation with you...related to this is the need for good notes and immediate documentation of what occurred...The better the documentaiton...the better off you will be. Judges and juries will be impressed with the one who has a clear, provable record of the facts."
Page 210: "Except in rare cases, don't burn bridges...the person you've just ended something with may be your boss...one day...Above all, don't be squishy...end it and leave it clearly over. Many times people leave a little wiggle room or false hope just to soften the bad news. Do not do that if an ending is what you desire. Otherwise, you are just going to have to do it again...Close it now..."
Page 226: "...watch out for those situations in life...that diminish you or your assets over time. That should be an alarm to move immediately to stop the outflow, reorganize, bring in some sort of help, make a change, or do some kind of ending...end at least the dynamic that is unsustainable."
I find it sometimes hard to read books by Henry Cloud, and this one seemed mostly applicable to business, but the more I read, the more helpful it was. Following are the most helpful (to me) excerpts:
page 49: "I have watched well-meaning people literally waste years and millions of dollars trying to bring someone along who is not coming. And often the person may have lots of other talent that the leader doesn't want to lose, or he likes the person so much that he is willing to try over and over again...come to grips with the fact that some people--no matter how much you give them or how much you try to help them improve their performance...are not going to change. At least not now, and not as a result of anything you are doing. Accept it..."
page 66-67: "Another relational map is feeling responsible for another person's pain when the enabling is ended...it is a form of caring gone awry. People enable others because they care. But this kind of caring is not caring at all and is destructive to the person being helped. It is a toxic dependency. It keeps adult kids dependent on parents long after they should have been independent adults...there is a difference between helping someone who is disabled, incapable, or otherwise infirm versus helping someone who is resisting growing up and taking care of what every adult (or child, for that matter) has to be responsible for: herself or himself. When you find yourself in any way paying for someone else's responsibilities, not only are you stuck with a delayed ending, but you are probably harming that person."
Page 69: "In the family-owned businesses, the failure-to-launch syndrome can become a business practice...people in their twenties or older, who are living with parents and have not been able to successfully launch into adulthood. Certainly there are circumstances in which living with parents makes sense...But sometimes the situation is not good and enables a child-like dependency in an adult. (In some situations, you cannot even call it a healthy childlike dependency, as many times these twenty-somethings have no chores, requirements, or reponsibilities, not is their living with parents in service of anything else, like further education.)
Page 74: "...successful people...all have one thing in common: They get in touch with reality...you must finally see reality for what it is...what is not working is not going to magically being working...The awareness of hopelessness is what finally brings people to the reality of the pruning moment. It is the moment when they wake up, realize that an ending must occur, and finally feel energized to do it. Nothing mobilizes us like a firm dose of reality. Whether is is finally getting an addict to hit bottom and end a destructive pattern or getting a CEO in front of a bankruptcy judge to force the restructuring that he has been avoiding, only reality gets us to do difficult things."
Page 87 ff: "It is imperative that you give up hope if your hope is not hope at all but just an empty wish. But how do we know the difference between wishing and hoping?...definitions of hope contain two elements..."desire or expectation" for something in the future to occur...second is..."grounds for believing" that something...will occur...The real problem is when have have one without the other: a desire without any grounds. That is hope based not on reality but on our desires, our wishes...In the absence of real, objective reasons to think that more time is going to help, it is probably time for some type of necessary ending...As the saying goines, "Hope is not a strategy." This kind of hope is not worth spending more time and resources on. It is only buying you the time to continue to make more mistakes. If you are in a hole, rule number one is to stop digging...While hope is a great virtue, hope in unreality is not. And sometimes hopeless is the best virtue you have, because it can finally get you to the pruning moment...to hang on to false hope is a fantasy that can end in dismal failure."
Page 92: "The past is the best predictor."
Page 95: "The past does not lie. Of course, you might...ask, "Can't someone do better than their past?" Of course!...the key is this: There had better be good reason to believe that someone is going to do better. Without any new information or actions, though, the past is the best predictor of the future."
Page 96: "...am I willing to sign up for more of the same?"
Page 97: "I was talking to a wealthy friend one time about the ways that he invests his money...He told me that he does not invest in businesses, other than his own...I disagreed, as I knew of several that he had invested in..."Not true," he said, "I did not invest in those businesses...What I invested in was what I always invest in: the person...I knew the leader and his or her team, their track record, and their character. That is what I was investing in, not the business..."...What kind of person deserves our trust, and when do we believe that someone can change?"
Page 99: "...unless something changes, the future that you can expect is more of the past. Sorry or becoming committed does not make Jim Carrey a great golfer, or made Jack nicklaus funny. Recommitment does not make a person who is unsuited for a particular position suited for it all of a sudden. Promises by someone who has a history of letting you down in a relationship mean nothing certain in terms of the future."
Page 102 ff: "People change...But...not always...you can waste more time, even years...when can I have hope that a person is going to be different...look for the objective reasons to hope...You need a "reason to believe". Here are nine object factors...Verifiable Involvement in a Proven Change Process; Additional Structure; Monitoring Systems; New Experiences and Skills; Self-sustaining motivation...Look at the degree to which you are having to drive the process; Admission of Need; The Presence of Support; Skilled Help; Some Success."
Page 133: "...the foll...rejects the feedback, resists it, explains it away, and does nothing to adjust to meet its requirements. In short, The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it."
Page 134-5: "Traits of Foolish Persons. When given feedback, they are defensive...come back at you with a reason why it is not their fault...When a mistake is pointed out, they externalize the mistake and blame someone else...attempts to talk about problems create conflict, alienation, or a breach in the relationship...Sometimes, they immediately shift the blame to you...use minimization...rationalize...excuses are rampant...never take ownership...emotional response has nothing to do with remorse; instead they get angry at you for being on their case...see themselves as the victim...world is divided into the good guys and the bad guys. The good guys are the ones who agree with them and see them as good, and the bad ones are the ones who don't think that they are perfect...lack of ownership of the issue and a refusal to take responsibility...want outside world to change instead of them."
Page 137: "So stop talking. At least about the problem."
Page 142: "When a spouse says to the alcoholic, "you need to go to AA," that is obviously not true. The addict feels no need to do that at all, and isn't. But when she says, "I am moving out and will be open to getting back together when you are getting treatment for your addiction," then all of a sudden the addict feels "I need to get some help or I am going to lose my marriage." The need has been transferred. It is the same with any kind of problematic behavior of a person who is not taking feedback and ownership. The need and drive to do something about it must be transferred to that person, and that is done through having consequences that finally make him feel the pain instead of others. When he feels the pain, he will feel the need to change...A plan that has hope is one that limits your exposure to the foolish person's issues and forces him to feel the consequences of his performance so that he might have hope of waking up and changing."
Page 143: "With wise people, talk to them, give them resources, and you will get a return. With foolish people, stop talking to them about problems; they are not listening. And stop supplying resources; they squander them. Instead give them limits and consequences. With evil people, to quote a Warren Zevon song, the strategy is "Lawyers, Guns and Money."...You have to go into protection mode, not helping mode...I use that phrase to symbolize resources that you use to protect yourself...The bottom line with evil is to stay away, create the firmest protective ending that you can, and get real help to do it. Use your lawyers, law enforcement (that is the guns part), and your financial resources to make sure that you will not be hurt by someone who is trying to destroy you...do not talk to evil people at all, period. "You can communicate with me through my attorney" is a phrase that exists for a reason."
Page 174: "Getting people to finally see the stark incompatibility of certain desires is often what finally gets them unstuck...I met a woman who defined herself as stuck. She was in a relationship that was not all that she wanted...He did not have the "drive" that she desired...So when I asked her why she didn't go after the kind that she wanted, she would say, "because I want him. I love him." "But I though you wanted someone who was more like the driver...type," I said. "I do...But he is so great is other ways...I want to be with him, too," she said. "Too?"...sometimes we want two or more things that can't coexist...incompatible wishes...Part of maturity is getting to the place where we can let go of one wish in order to have another. The immature mind "wants it all." But...most valuable things come with a cost...we have to give up some things for others."
Page 182: "If you are going to do it "later," then when will that be? Set a date. What real reason do you have for waiting?...If there is not a real contingency, then why are you waiting?"
Page 186: "The maturity to discern when to remain invested in a relationship or situation and when to let go of one is the same. You have to be able to see the whole reality in both situations, the one that you keep and the one that you don't. Otherwise, lasting relationships cannot happen, and bad ones cannot end...we are willing to deal with the negatives to have the positives...commitment...if we...don't love it...ending needed..."
Page 195: "He would be the one to decide whether or not he wanted to be with her. She set the standards for what being with her meant, and he could decide whether or not it was a match. It was his decision, and he could self-select. Good for her as she did not have to judge anymore. Instead, her standards would be the judge. Good for him, as she was no longer going to nag but instead would let him decide whether or not he wanted to be with her in the ways that she required. No bad guy anywhere. Everyone was free again."
Page 197 ff: "Self-selection for yourself works the same way. Set the standard: "If the business has not turned aprofit by the end of this year, I shut it down."...I live in L.A. and know many people...trying to make it in the entertainment or music industry...When to quit?...have a date out there...it is a good idea to know how much of your life or resources you want to spend on something before you lose them all..."
Page 204: "...when someone cares about how a person feels, there is the temptation to go squishy on the truth, because the truth hurts. So we tend to get a bit codependent in these kinds of conversations...truth suffers, and often the ending gets flimsy...on the other hand, if you are insensitive to people and just interested in the "truth"...you might really hurt someone needlessly...it is still to your advantage to get this right and begin to care, because if you don't, it has a much greater chance of going bad...If something is not right for one party, it is not right for the other one, either...The truth is painful but best in the end."
Page 208: "Many times...the person will not like hearing what you are saying...But the only person you can control in the conversation is yourself, so stay on message. Whether or not she gets it is not in your control. But remaining empathetic and clear is in your control...Sometimes there is so much danger of distortion...that you should make sure that you have someone in the conversation with you...related to this is the need for good notes and immediate documentation of what occurred...The better the documentaiton...the better off you will be. Judges and juries will be impressed with the one who has a clear, provable record of the facts."
Page 210: "Except in rare cases, don't burn bridges...the person you've just ended something with may be your boss...one day...Above all, don't be squishy...end it and leave it clearly over. Many times people leave a little wiggle room or false hope just to soften the bad news. Do not do that if an ending is what you desire. Otherwise, you are just going to have to do it again...Close it now..."
Page 226: "...watch out for those situations in life...that diminish you or your assets over time. That should be an alarm to move immediately to stop the outflow, reorganize, bring in some sort of help, make a change, or do some kind of ending...end at least the dynamic that is unsustainable."
September 2, 2019
Thank you Henry Cloud. Much needed solid advice! One of my favorite quotes from the book, “There is a difference between helping someone who is disabled, incapable, or otherwise infirm versus helping someone who is resisting growing up and taking care of what every adult (or child, for that matter) has to be responsible for: herself or himself. When you find yourself in any way paying for someone else’s responsibilities, not only are you stuck with a delayed ending, but you are probably harming that person.” - Henry Cloud Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward
March 24, 2013
This is a must read! A truly excellent book full of wisdom. True, endings are necessary and they do take courage and faith, and this book is one to help you through it. Take courage, endings are not all bad and they are indeed very, very necessary. This book will remain on my shelf for the rest of my days. I will read it again and refer to it often.
October 31, 2011
To get to the new beginning you need to make the necessary ending first.
I wish I had read the book 20 years ago. He makes the point that in the day-to-day, it isn't too hard to put up with something that is no longer right for us. We make it through one day, then another, and the days turn into years. We have an incredible tolerance for pain, especially if we think it will "get better." So, we tell ourselves little lies like "It will turn around" or "it's not always like this." We numb ourselves as a method of coping. So, here is the part that got to me: "Then, stop the excusing, the medicating, the rationalizing, or any other interference, and project into the future: one month, six months, one year, two years, five years, or more. See yourself at that time having the same discussions you are having now, with no better results. Picture it, feel it, smell it. You already know what it is like, so you don't even have to use your imagination. You are living it right now. I just want you to picture yourself living it for real five years from now. Is that what you want?"
I wish I had read the book 20 years ago. He makes the point that in the day-to-day, it isn't too hard to put up with something that is no longer right for us. We make it through one day, then another, and the days turn into years. We have an incredible tolerance for pain, especially if we think it will "get better." So, we tell ourselves little lies like "It will turn around" or "it's not always like this." We numb ourselves as a method of coping. So, here is the part that got to me: "Then, stop the excusing, the medicating, the rationalizing, or any other interference, and project into the future: one month, six months, one year, two years, five years, or more. See yourself at that time having the same discussions you are having now, with no better results. Picture it, feel it, smell it. You already know what it is like, so you don't even have to use your imagination. You are living it right now. I just want you to picture yourself living it for real five years from now. Is that what you want?"
February 6, 2023
AMAZING. Riveting, foundation-shifting and freeing.
Of the 28 books I have read so far this year, this book is the clear #1. Necessary Endings and Made to Stick are the best of the best I have read so far this year, and Necessary Endings is by far the #1 of those 2. And of the books I have read in the last 10 years, this is in the top 5, for sure.
Hope and perseverance are viewed as positive characteristics, and they generally are. But there are times when we have false hopes and persevere in the wrong pursuit -- in those times, those characteristics bind us, demotivate us, and hold us back.
Good endings are not a strength of many people, but Dr. Cloud brings a normalcy to endings: whether it is cycles of life or seasons or the healthy passing of life or times in life (infancy, childhood, singlehood, etc.), endings are healthy and good. And dealing with them well is so important.
Wise, Foolish and Evil. Decathexis, funerals, metabolizing. So many, many good concepts.
Don't stay stuck and don't persevere on a false hope.
Of the 28 books I have read so far this year, this book is the clear #1. Necessary Endings and Made to Stick are the best of the best I have read so far this year, and Necessary Endings is by far the #1 of those 2. And of the books I have read in the last 10 years, this is in the top 5, for sure.
Hope and perseverance are viewed as positive characteristics, and they generally are. But there are times when we have false hopes and persevere in the wrong pursuit -- in those times, those characteristics bind us, demotivate us, and hold us back.
Good endings are not a strength of many people, but Dr. Cloud brings a normalcy to endings: whether it is cycles of life or seasons or the healthy passing of life or times in life (infancy, childhood, singlehood, etc.), endings are healthy and good. And dealing with them well is so important.
Wise, Foolish and Evil. Decathexis, funerals, metabolizing. So many, many good concepts.
Don't stay stuck and don't persevere on a false hope.
June 7, 2021
If I thought that being a pastor was similar to being a CEO or similar to breaking up with a boyfriend, then this would have been a perfect book. But they aren’t the same thing, hence my low rating. Take it with a grain of salt because I was handed this book to get ready for “ministry.”
I’m continually frustrated when pastors-in-training are handed pointless “leadership” books like this to prep for “church ministry” or learn how to “deal with people.” I could write an entire essay on this topic, and I have, but this isn’t the place for that.
I’m continually frustrated when pastors-in-training are handed pointless “leadership” books like this to prep for “church ministry” or learn how to “deal with people.” I could write an entire essay on this topic, and I have, but this isn’t the place for that.
April 28, 2012
This book is about ending relationships between people. Saying that brings to mind romantic relationships, but this book applies equally to business relationships as romantic ones.
Should you quit that job? Should you leave that church? Should you break up with that girl? Should you fire that employee? Should you excommunicate that parishioner? Should you divorce that spouse?
These questions are answered in the affirmative when it is a "necessary ending" to the relationship. Thus it's important to understand whether the ending is necessary or not. I believe that one should manage all his relationships in a sustainable fashion so that ending a relationship generally won't happen unless it is necessary.
To assist in figuring whether a relationship is at a necessary ending, Cloud partitions humanity into three classes: the wise, the fools, and the evil.
The wise are people you can share negative facts with and they'll respond gratefully. ("You have bad breath." / "Oh, sorry. Here I'll take a mint. Is that better?")
The fools are people who edit their perceptions of reality to remove the parts they don't like. ("Your software has a bug." / "No, it doesn't. You're not using it right. That's not my problem.") When dealing with a fool you have to change the conversation from the problem at hand to why they're not listening.
The evil are people who will use whatever you give them against you. For these people you send "lawyers, guns, and money" and get away from them.
Recognizing where you are in this continuum and recognizing where those you deal with are on it serves to guide in evaluating one's relationships. It's a negative book for negative times when one may have to painfully choose to give up on a hopeless business or dismiss a marginal employee. Recommended.
Should you quit that job? Should you leave that church? Should you break up with that girl? Should you fire that employee? Should you excommunicate that parishioner? Should you divorce that spouse?
These questions are answered in the affirmative when it is a "necessary ending" to the relationship. Thus it's important to understand whether the ending is necessary or not. I believe that one should manage all his relationships in a sustainable fashion so that ending a relationship generally won't happen unless it is necessary.
To assist in figuring whether a relationship is at a necessary ending, Cloud partitions humanity into three classes: the wise, the fools, and the evil.
The wise are people you can share negative facts with and they'll respond gratefully. ("You have bad breath." / "Oh, sorry. Here I'll take a mint. Is that better?")
The fools are people who edit their perceptions of reality to remove the parts they don't like. ("Your software has a bug." / "No, it doesn't. You're not using it right. That's not my problem.") When dealing with a fool you have to change the conversation from the problem at hand to why they're not listening.
The evil are people who will use whatever you give them against you. For these people you send "lawyers, guns, and money" and get away from them.
Recognizing where you are in this continuum and recognizing where those you deal with are on it serves to guide in evaluating one's relationships. It's a negative book for negative times when one may have to painfully choose to give up on a hopeless business or dismiss a marginal employee. Recommended.
March 23, 2014
While there was a lot of helpful, practical information in this book, it has some fundamental flaws. Cloud speaks to the necessity of gathering some fortitude and dropping the ax on certain toxic initiatives and people in our lives in order to move forward to healthier beginnings. In many ways, this is very true. However, the methods he employs here are not altogether healthy.
Cloud's approach to endings, especially as it concerns other people, are more retributive than restorative. While I sympathize with the need to cut the head off of certain programs and initiatives that stray from an organization's mission, I cannot sympathize with his view of human beings in the same way. To be sure, there are people in our lives whose behavior is hurtful. However, the pink slip is not a cure all, as Cloud universally suggests in this book. Now I know that employee development is not cheap or efficient, but it is respectful, and it allows the person to decide for him- or herself whether or not he or she is "with the program". It can also be done in such a way that it does not enable bad behaviors of such employees. Cloud does appear to support the reader undergoing personal development, but is not willing to extend this to employees who may not be cutting the mustard. Furthermore, where is a chapter in this book, not about endings, but about making the right beginning, the right hire?
While Cloud rightly instructs us to get tough and think more habitually about endings, this reader wants to balance that with a healthy dose of respect toward my fellow human being.
Cloud's approach to endings, especially as it concerns other people, are more retributive than restorative. While I sympathize with the need to cut the head off of certain programs and initiatives that stray from an organization's mission, I cannot sympathize with his view of human beings in the same way. To be sure, there are people in our lives whose behavior is hurtful. However, the pink slip is not a cure all, as Cloud universally suggests in this book. Now I know that employee development is not cheap or efficient, but it is respectful, and it allows the person to decide for him- or herself whether or not he or she is "with the program". It can also be done in such a way that it does not enable bad behaviors of such employees. Cloud does appear to support the reader undergoing personal development, but is not willing to extend this to employees who may not be cutting the mustard. Furthermore, where is a chapter in this book, not about endings, but about making the right beginning, the right hire?
While Cloud rightly instructs us to get tough and think more habitually about endings, this reader wants to balance that with a healthy dose of respect toward my fellow human being.
July 3, 2020
Good, practical advice about knowing when to end things---whether relationships with people, pet-projects at work, or professional positions. Solid audio, easy to follow and understand.
April 19, 2021
Like most of this genre of books, you need to take what's helpful and leave what's not.
Probably could have been shorter.
Probably could have been shorter.
January 9, 2015
I'm not sure why I felt it was important to read this, but I did. I admittedly fought the ideas in the book for almost the entire first half. I could see where this might be important for business leaders and that part made sense. However, I felt it was too simplistic for relationships. After all, relationships are more nuanced and complex. Plus, as a person of faith, I feel like I'm told never to give up on people since God never gave up on us. Where is the love, faith and hope in giving up or becoming hopeless? The book didn't seem to make very strong connections between the two and gave me plenty of space to negate the ideas.
Then came chapters 6 and 7 and I found myself seeing such familiarity that I didn't have as much space anymore. I found myself sadly agreeing that some relationships that just ended were necessary endings.
This book helped me see how much energy I was spending in a situation that wasn't going to change, at least not any time soon, and that was energy that could be spent on things that would bear more fruit. An even harder realization was in how much energy another person was having to spend on me, not to have any forward momentum. We were causing each other to get stuck. A bit of an ouch, but a necessary ouch.
According to the book, I haven't been horrible at saying good-bye in the right way, but I haven't been great at it either. I agree. It was helpful to read the chapters on how to possibly go about it that would bring about health and closure.
I think a bigger take-away was that endings are new beginnings, which I assume could also mean a full circle back around once all of us have grown and matured a little. However, the book points to signs as to whether that is possible or not. I guess I would prefer, at least when it comes to relationships, that it was titled, Necessary So-Longs. However, if we never take that step we will never get to that place where there is any kind of health.
There is a no-nonsense type of approach here that my sensitive nature had to adjust to a bit, but it wasn't too difficult. I listened to the title on Audible but have now bought a Kindle copy so I can refer to the chapters with questions to ask if I ever feel the doubt about saying "so-long" again.
This was very helpful.
Then came chapters 6 and 7 and I found myself seeing such familiarity that I didn't have as much space anymore. I found myself sadly agreeing that some relationships that just ended were necessary endings.
This book helped me see how much energy I was spending in a situation that wasn't going to change, at least not any time soon, and that was energy that could be spent on things that would bear more fruit. An even harder realization was in how much energy another person was having to spend on me, not to have any forward momentum. We were causing each other to get stuck. A bit of an ouch, but a necessary ouch.
According to the book, I haven't been horrible at saying good-bye in the right way, but I haven't been great at it either. I agree. It was helpful to read the chapters on how to possibly go about it that would bring about health and closure.
I think a bigger take-away was that endings are new beginnings, which I assume could also mean a full circle back around once all of us have grown and matured a little. However, the book points to signs as to whether that is possible or not. I guess I would prefer, at least when it comes to relationships, that it was titled, Necessary So-Longs. However, if we never take that step we will never get to that place where there is any kind of health.
There is a no-nonsense type of approach here that my sensitive nature had to adjust to a bit, but it wasn't too difficult. I listened to the title on Audible but have now bought a Kindle copy so I can refer to the chapters with questions to ask if I ever feel the doubt about saying "so-long" again.
This was very helpful.
March 9, 2012
Helpful coverage of the internal and external aspects of bringing closure to life's passing experiences. With eternity set in the human heart by our Creator, we naturally find it difficult to bring an end to things that have out lived their useful life.
Cloud helps navigate the complicated landscape of what I heard Peter Drucker call "Systematic Abandonment." Drucker said, "For every new thing I pick up, I must ask myself, "What will I set down?""
Necessary Endings shatters the "no one has ever been down this trail before" fear and replaces it with the faith to walk a path of closure with the millions of folks who have made necessary endings.
Cloud helps navigate the complicated landscape of what I heard Peter Drucker call "Systematic Abandonment." Drucker said, "For every new thing I pick up, I must ask myself, "What will I set down?""
Necessary Endings shatters the "no one has ever been down this trail before" fear and replaces it with the faith to walk a path of closure with the millions of folks who have made necessary endings.
March 29, 2012
I think this is a great book. Since I am no longer in the workforce, I wanted to skip through some of the business related illustrations, but the personal material was fantastic. I especially liked chapter 7 on. I would love it if Henry Cloud would modify the book so that those of us not dealing with the work sector would be able to benefit as well. I would recommend this book to some people, but I think it is difficult to wade through the business examples. Don't miss the last chapter. It is great.
August 21, 2017
If you are contemplating a change in your life, this book may help structure some of your thinking. Whether professional or personal, any change requires an "ending" which can be difficult but will likely be liberating in the end. I recommend the book for its ability to add a sequence to the process; I do wish the editor had taken a red pen to about 25% of the material as it was repetitious at times.
May 14, 2022
3.5. Helpful book about transitions: when, how, and why they are good and healthy. I’m still new to the audiobook world and I think I could’ve gotten more out of the hard copy.
December 10, 2025
It was a solid book. There are a few nuggets that really had a positive impact and made me think more introspectively about how I navigate endings in my professional life. Not just "big ones" like quitting a job or firing someone, but the smaller decisions that lead to the big ones. It highlighted a few thought patterns that I'm glad to be more mindful of.
I just don't really like the writing style and the book overall feels bloated even at 200 something pages. It feels like in most chapters it's mostly filler and personal anecdotes. I think this book could have been even shorter and still carried the same weight.
I just don't really like the writing style and the book overall feels bloated even at 200 something pages. It feels like in most chapters it's mostly filler and personal anecdotes. I think this book could have been even shorter and still carried the same weight.
October 3, 2024
This marks the 5,055th recorded rating of this book and there are just as many reasons to read it. So practical and helpful.
July 12, 2025
So appreciated the themes and practical advice in this book. Will definitely be reading it again.
March 30, 2025
DNF what is this a book for tech bro CEOs lmao
February 23, 2024
Perfect Timing
This level-headed take on endings couldn't have come at a better time. It's helping me transition out of one important space into an even more vital space.
This level-headed take on endings couldn't have come at a better time. It's helping me transition out of one important space into an even more vital space.
February 10, 2023
I needed this at this time in my life, and didn’t even know it. I feel calmer and more prepared for more endings now.
May 27, 2025
I got this book because a client was driving me nuts, and I secretly wanted it to tell me to fire her. Haha
In the intervening time, while I was still reading other leadership books that felt more urgent, she decided to retire and fold her business altogether. Hallelujah!
So then I pulled out this book to tell me how to handle that gracefully. I skipped to the last three chapters, devoured them, and worked out my best attempt at a funeral for her company (given that I had only been working with her and her team for three months). I’m glad I read this, because I was able to make the ending beautiful and hopefully a good one for all involved.
Since then, I went back and started reading from the beginning. This is the most helpful book since The Dip about knowing when to quit and when to dig in. It’s so clear!
I hate the idea of my business still being where it is now, a year from now. So I have my work cut out for me! This provided a very valuable wake-up call.
Also, I don’t think I’ll stay in shitty relationships for months or years anymore. I used to do that because I loved the person and I didn’t want to miss out on the part where things got really good again, if they ever did. Now I know how to tell, and it’s clear that all the relationships I hung onto were never going to get better. I eventually figured that out, but this would have made it a lot clearer a lot sooner.
Basically: if it sucks now, and the idea of it still being like this for months or years is revolting, something needs to change. Is there an objective, rational reason to expect it to get better, or do you just want it to? If there’s no reason beyond wishing to expect it to change, end it.
I’ll need to be careful with this, because in the past I’ve tied my hopes to the person starting therapy, changing jobs, changing careers, moving, or seemingly recovering from a major illness. None of these really changed the relationship dynamic or improved anything. I guess it has to be the No More Mr. Bad Guy approach for this situation (see ch 10).
Overall summary: do your absolute best where you are, and have the courage to end what is not working. Out of those endings, you get the next thing that’s so much better.
Notes
P. 70
Learned helplessness and tolerating are the opposite of leadership.
P. 74
“You must finally see reality for what it is—in other words, that what is not working is not going to magically begin working.”
P. 89
Hope without reasons to expect a change is just desire. If you don’t have real, objective reasons to expect things to turn around, it’s time for a necessary ending.
P. 90
“What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different from today?”
P. 96
Ask these questions:
“What has performance been so far?
Is it good enough?
Is there anything in place that would make it different?
If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same?”
Also:
“Do I want this same reality, frustration, or problem six months from now?
Do I want the same level of performance a year from now?
Do I want to be having these same conversations two years from now?”
If no:
“What reason is there to have hope that tomorrow is going to be different?
What in the picture is changing that I can believe in?”
P. 99
If you’re betting on someone or something, is the thing they’re going to do within their strengths? What is their track record?
P. 102
Legit reasons to expect tomorrow to be different from today:
Verifiable involvement in a proven change process (ex. AA)
Additional structure
Monitoring systems
New experience and skills
Self-sustaining motivation (I.e., you don’t have to push them, they do it themselves)
Admission of need
Support (peers who are successful)
Skilled help (coach, therapist, etc)
Prior or current success (results may take time, but should see some progress or movement)
P. 112
Where is the energy for change going to come from? Who is going to drive the change?
Ex. If women want their husbands to do personal growth, get him in a couple’s retreat with other men who are growing.
Chapter 7
3 types of people:
Wise—accept feedback and use it to do better
Foolish—react to feedback with defensiveness and blame; never learn anything
Evil—actually want to hurt you
For wise, give them feedback and give them resources to help them grow.
For fools, stop talking about the original problem. Definitely stop nagging. Last chance: try talking about the problem of them not receiving feedback. Set consequences if the behavior continues and express them clearly. You must end the pattern. Consequences may get them to change or you may have to end the relationship.
There are always consequences to their poor behavior, but usually those consequences are felt by those around them, not them themselves. You need to transfer the consequences back to the person with the bad behavior.
For evil people, bring lawyers, guns (law enforcement), and money. You need to protect yourself.
Also, ask yourself: is this a one-off problem, or is it a pattern?
P. 146
To succeed, a person needs strengths to match their role AND the character to see things through.
Chapter 8
What gets us off our asses is big opportunity and big hazards. If you’re not changing, play yourself a movie of what will happen if everything is the same a year from now. Also play one of how awesome it will be once you make these changes. If you’re leading a team, play the movie of the big vision for the team, too.
P. 164
Set deadlines, use consequences if they’re not met and rewards if they are, and enforce them.
Ex. If someone is not on board with your new initiative, talk through their concerns. Address them if you can. Then point out you can’t have their foot on the brake all the time, so they have 30 days to get on board or go—their choice. Respectfully but firmly.
Chapter 9: Resistance
One thing that causes resistance within yourself is wanting two contradictory things. Ex. I want extremely high performance and I want these low-performance people on the team. I want big success and I want lots of rest. i want to eat all the brownies and I want to fit in my jeans.
“Which one are you willing to give up to have the other one?”
Similarly, we often see only part of the reality. Ex. When it’s time to break up with X, you stop seeing X’s bad points and see only the good. It’s a trick you play on yourself. Are you willing to have all of it, or would you be better off with none of it?
Forms of external resisters (not people who genuinely care and are trying to help you make a good decision):
- self-absorbed (if we do this big thing, does that mean I lose my window?)
- threatened (if you quit drinking, you make the rest of us look bad to ourselves. Come drink with us.)
- The NoNos—just hate change, can’t adapt their worldview so they act as an anchor. They don’t care about data, so quit trying to convince them. You’re wasting energy by talking to them at all. Instead, distract them, get rid of them, or use the power of the group to override them.
Chapter 10: No more Mr. Bad Guy: The Magic of Self-Selection
Instead of trying to decide what to do about this person who is awesome in so many ways but is not meeting the standards you have for the role, just tell them, “I need someone in this role who does x, y, and z. I’d love for that you be you, but it’s your decision if you want to be that person or not. Let me know by X date.” If they want to do it, have them provide their plan.
Ex. Lady wanted to marry her boyfriend but he was a lazy pothead. She let him decide if he wanted to step up or not.
Ex. Boss to employee
Chapter 11: Having the conversation
- It helps to be prepared. Make notes, get clear on your goal, maybe even practice.
- Have one specific intention for the conversation ex. I want to leave with zero confusion that this is over, I want to make it clear that this project is ending but I’m still here for them, I want to leave the conversation having said I want no further relationship or contact with this person
- Balance speaking the truth with empathy. Tell the truth but not harshly.
- come in with a caring tone, not aggressive, angry, harsh, or shaming. Don’t want to trigger fight-or-flight in the other person.
- validate the person and the relationship (say you value them)
- Before you leave, ask “what have you heard me say?” and correct any distortions
- Don’t be squishy about it or you’ll just have to have this conversation again later.
I thought I remembered this book also saying don’t start with pleasantries. It just makes it harder to pivot to the real conversation, and it feels like a trick. Maybe that was in Boundaries for Leaders.
P. 210
Don’t burn bridges! With one exception: with evil people, do burn the bridge. But above all, don’t be squishy about the ending. It needs to be clearly over (unless you want to have to go through the breakup conversation again later).
Chapter 12: grief and metabolizing
P. 211
Moe Girkins (she) held a funeral for a company that was closing and buried a time capsule so the people (who had worked there for decades) could say goodbye and move on.
P. 214
If we don’t process our grief, we may jump into a rebound relationship with another idea, person, house, etc. —anything to feel better right now.
P. 216
Metabolize the ending: take it in, break it down, sort what’s usable from what’s not. Use the good to build whatever is next. Get rid of the bad. Learn from what went well and what went badly so you don’t just recreate the same thing again next time.
Chapter 13: sustainability
If a resource (cash, energy, your idealism, etc.) is being depleted or damaged, you’re on the path to an ending. Things can’t go on as they are. It’s urgent to change it consciously before everything crashes and you’re just stuck with no options.
In the intervening time, while I was still reading other leadership books that felt more urgent, she decided to retire and fold her business altogether. Hallelujah!
So then I pulled out this book to tell me how to handle that gracefully. I skipped to the last three chapters, devoured them, and worked out my best attempt at a funeral for her company (given that I had only been working with her and her team for three months). I’m glad I read this, because I was able to make the ending beautiful and hopefully a good one for all involved.
Since then, I went back and started reading from the beginning. This is the most helpful book since The Dip about knowing when to quit and when to dig in. It’s so clear!
I hate the idea of my business still being where it is now, a year from now. So I have my work cut out for me! This provided a very valuable wake-up call.
Also, I don’t think I’ll stay in shitty relationships for months or years anymore. I used to do that because I loved the person and I didn’t want to miss out on the part where things got really good again, if they ever did. Now I know how to tell, and it’s clear that all the relationships I hung onto were never going to get better. I eventually figured that out, but this would have made it a lot clearer a lot sooner.
Basically: if it sucks now, and the idea of it still being like this for months or years is revolting, something needs to change. Is there an objective, rational reason to expect it to get better, or do you just want it to? If there’s no reason beyond wishing to expect it to change, end it.
I’ll need to be careful with this, because in the past I’ve tied my hopes to the person starting therapy, changing jobs, changing careers, moving, or seemingly recovering from a major illness. None of these really changed the relationship dynamic or improved anything. I guess it has to be the No More Mr. Bad Guy approach for this situation (see ch 10).
Overall summary: do your absolute best where you are, and have the courage to end what is not working. Out of those endings, you get the next thing that’s so much better.
Notes
P. 70
Learned helplessness and tolerating are the opposite of leadership.
P. 74
“You must finally see reality for what it is—in other words, that what is not working is not going to magically begin working.”
P. 89
Hope without reasons to expect a change is just desire. If you don’t have real, objective reasons to expect things to turn around, it’s time for a necessary ending.
P. 90
“What reason, other than the fact that I want this to work, do I have for believing that tomorrow is going to be different from today?”
P. 96
Ask these questions:
“What has performance been so far?
Is it good enough?
Is there anything in place that would make it different?
If not, am I willing to sign up for more of the same?”
Also:
“Do I want this same reality, frustration, or problem six months from now?
Do I want the same level of performance a year from now?
Do I want to be having these same conversations two years from now?”
If no:
“What reason is there to have hope that tomorrow is going to be different?
What in the picture is changing that I can believe in?”
P. 99
If you’re betting on someone or something, is the thing they’re going to do within their strengths? What is their track record?
P. 102
Legit reasons to expect tomorrow to be different from today:
Verifiable involvement in a proven change process (ex. AA)
Additional structure
Monitoring systems
New experience and skills
Self-sustaining motivation (I.e., you don’t have to push them, they do it themselves)
Admission of need
Support (peers who are successful)
Skilled help (coach, therapist, etc)
Prior or current success (results may take time, but should see some progress or movement)
P. 112
Where is the energy for change going to come from? Who is going to drive the change?
Ex. If women want their husbands to do personal growth, get him in a couple’s retreat with other men who are growing.
Chapter 7
3 types of people:
Wise—accept feedback and use it to do better
Foolish—react to feedback with defensiveness and blame; never learn anything
Evil—actually want to hurt you
For wise, give them feedback and give them resources to help them grow.
For fools, stop talking about the original problem. Definitely stop nagging. Last chance: try talking about the problem of them not receiving feedback. Set consequences if the behavior continues and express them clearly. You must end the pattern. Consequences may get them to change or you may have to end the relationship.
There are always consequences to their poor behavior, but usually those consequences are felt by those around them, not them themselves. You need to transfer the consequences back to the person with the bad behavior.
For evil people, bring lawyers, guns (law enforcement), and money. You need to protect yourself.
Also, ask yourself: is this a one-off problem, or is it a pattern?
P. 146
To succeed, a person needs strengths to match their role AND the character to see things through.
Chapter 8
What gets us off our asses is big opportunity and big hazards. If you’re not changing, play yourself a movie of what will happen if everything is the same a year from now. Also play one of how awesome it will be once you make these changes. If you’re leading a team, play the movie of the big vision for the team, too.
P. 164
Set deadlines, use consequences if they’re not met and rewards if they are, and enforce them.
Ex. If someone is not on board with your new initiative, talk through their concerns. Address them if you can. Then point out you can’t have their foot on the brake all the time, so they have 30 days to get on board or go—their choice. Respectfully but firmly.
Chapter 9: Resistance
One thing that causes resistance within yourself is wanting two contradictory things. Ex. I want extremely high performance and I want these low-performance people on the team. I want big success and I want lots of rest. i want to eat all the brownies and I want to fit in my jeans.
“Which one are you willing to give up to have the other one?”
Similarly, we often see only part of the reality. Ex. When it’s time to break up with X, you stop seeing X’s bad points and see only the good. It’s a trick you play on yourself. Are you willing to have all of it, or would you be better off with none of it?
Forms of external resisters (not people who genuinely care and are trying to help you make a good decision):
- self-absorbed (if we do this big thing, does that mean I lose my window?)
- threatened (if you quit drinking, you make the rest of us look bad to ourselves. Come drink with us.)
- The NoNos—just hate change, can’t adapt their worldview so they act as an anchor. They don’t care about data, so quit trying to convince them. You’re wasting energy by talking to them at all. Instead, distract them, get rid of them, or use the power of the group to override them.
Chapter 10: No more Mr. Bad Guy: The Magic of Self-Selection
Instead of trying to decide what to do about this person who is awesome in so many ways but is not meeting the standards you have for the role, just tell them, “I need someone in this role who does x, y, and z. I’d love for that you be you, but it’s your decision if you want to be that person or not. Let me know by X date.” If they want to do it, have them provide their plan.
Ex. Lady wanted to marry her boyfriend but he was a lazy pothead. She let him decide if he wanted to step up or not.
Ex. Boss to employee
Chapter 11: Having the conversation
- It helps to be prepared. Make notes, get clear on your goal, maybe even practice.
- Have one specific intention for the conversation ex. I want to leave with zero confusion that this is over, I want to make it clear that this project is ending but I’m still here for them, I want to leave the conversation having said I want no further relationship or contact with this person
- Balance speaking the truth with empathy. Tell the truth but not harshly.
- come in with a caring tone, not aggressive, angry, harsh, or shaming. Don’t want to trigger fight-or-flight in the other person.
- validate the person and the relationship (say you value them)
- Before you leave, ask “what have you heard me say?” and correct any distortions
- Don’t be squishy about it or you’ll just have to have this conversation again later.
I thought I remembered this book also saying don’t start with pleasantries. It just makes it harder to pivot to the real conversation, and it feels like a trick. Maybe that was in Boundaries for Leaders.
P. 210
Don’t burn bridges! With one exception: with evil people, do burn the bridge. But above all, don’t be squishy about the ending. It needs to be clearly over (unless you want to have to go through the breakup conversation again later).
Chapter 12: grief and metabolizing
P. 211
Moe Girkins (she) held a funeral for a company that was closing and buried a time capsule so the people (who had worked there for decades) could say goodbye and move on.
P. 214
If we don’t process our grief, we may jump into a rebound relationship with another idea, person, house, etc. —anything to feel better right now.
P. 216
Metabolize the ending: take it in, break it down, sort what’s usable from what’s not. Use the good to build whatever is next. Get rid of the bad. Learn from what went well and what went badly so you don’t just recreate the same thing again next time.
Chapter 13: sustainability
If a resource (cash, energy, your idealism, etc.) is being depleted or damaged, you’re on the path to an ending. Things can’t go on as they are. It’s urgent to change it consciously before everything crashes and you’re just stuck with no options.
March 3, 2016
Well, this book needs to go into my top ten of all time favourite books. If you are feeling drained by life or by your business then this book is a must read. For me, it clarified some decisions that I have made in the past, which has enabled me to reach the point that I am at today.
There was one chapter in the book that resonated with me, and this was the way in which you deal with different people when ending something or trying to implement change. When I reflect on how I have done this in the past, I have always managed the process in the way that I personally like to be managed, and now I appreciate that this is not the best way of dealing with the problem. Dr Cloud talks about three types of people:-
1. Wise people - the ones who take on board what you say, learn from it and move on.
2. Foolish people - A fool shoots the messenger, it is never their fault, and they tend to get angry when faced with a difficult solution. These people do not listen, they don't want to talk about it. We have all had to deal with this type of person and the way to manage them when you need to end something that they are doing is to give boundaries and communicate a consequence.
3. Evil people - The evil people intend to destroy things. We have heard of the phrase "bad apple", well sometimes you just need to get rid of the evil people in your life and business, which will enable you to move on. Stop being nice, and just do it. Cut all ties. Don't return emails, phone calls or tweet! Out of sight is out of mind. If you have someone in your life like this then please, please read this book!
There was a lot more to this book, and I am now keen to read more of Dr Henry Cloud's work.
A good read!
There was one chapter in the book that resonated with me, and this was the way in which you deal with different people when ending something or trying to implement change. When I reflect on how I have done this in the past, I have always managed the process in the way that I personally like to be managed, and now I appreciate that this is not the best way of dealing with the problem. Dr Cloud talks about three types of people:-
1. Wise people - the ones who take on board what you say, learn from it and move on.
2. Foolish people - A fool shoots the messenger, it is never their fault, and they tend to get angry when faced with a difficult solution. These people do not listen, they don't want to talk about it. We have all had to deal with this type of person and the way to manage them when you need to end something that they are doing is to give boundaries and communicate a consequence.
3. Evil people - The evil people intend to destroy things. We have heard of the phrase "bad apple", well sometimes you just need to get rid of the evil people in your life and business, which will enable you to move on. Stop being nice, and just do it. Cut all ties. Don't return emails, phone calls or tweet! Out of sight is out of mind. If you have someone in your life like this then please, please read this book!
There was a lot more to this book, and I am now keen to read more of Dr Henry Cloud's work.
A good read!
December 22, 2018
When I was in administration, I regularly read leadership books. Most are not great, many are repetitive (that is, repeating what's in other leadership books, or repeating itself within the same book. Steven Covey does all of that!), and it was rare to find one that's helpful, well-written, and thought-provoking. One of the books that met that standard was Henry Cloud's Integrity. Cloud is a good author, very grounded not only in reality but also in compassion.
It's been some years since I read in the leadership genre, but Cloud's book Necessary Endings has been on my shelf for a while, and it was recently brought to my attention and recommended. So I opened it up, and I'm glad I did. I found Cloud's advice and experiences extremely helpful at a time in my life when I've got some "necessary endings" that need to happen. Reading the book helped me analyze some situations and create plans to make changes for the good. Cloud's guidance to consider whether the person you're dealing with is "wise," "foolish," or "evil" (the actual chapter is more nuanced than that list makes it sound) is a really great way to make sure you're not wasting effort—or even just the mental strain of caring about a situation in a certain way—on someone who doesn't even see the world the same way you do, as far as responsibilities and integrity.
Most of the book is about the business/workplace context, but there is also quite a bit of content that's relevant to other areas of life. I wish that it was a little less focused on just business, because what Cloud writes is incredibly relevant to a lot of situations, and people who need the advice might miss it because it's in a leadership book.
It's been some years since I read in the leadership genre, but Cloud's book Necessary Endings has been on my shelf for a while, and it was recently brought to my attention and recommended. So I opened it up, and I'm glad I did. I found Cloud's advice and experiences extremely helpful at a time in my life when I've got some "necessary endings" that need to happen. Reading the book helped me analyze some situations and create plans to make changes for the good. Cloud's guidance to consider whether the person you're dealing with is "wise," "foolish," or "evil" (the actual chapter is more nuanced than that list makes it sound) is a really great way to make sure you're not wasting effort—or even just the mental strain of caring about a situation in a certain way—on someone who doesn't even see the world the same way you do, as far as responsibilities and integrity.
Most of the book is about the business/workplace context, but there is also quite a bit of content that's relevant to other areas of life. I wish that it was a little less focused on just business, because what Cloud writes is incredibly relevant to a lot of situations, and people who need the advice might miss it because it's in a leadership book.
May 22, 2020
Coming from a book which preaches about knowing when to or whether to end certain processes or practices, Henry Cloud failed to listen to his own recommendations and end this book half-way through! The book talks about an interesting topic and makes some good points. It's just a shame there is so much waffle! 7 hours of repeating the same few points over and over again becomes tedious. Could have easily been condensed into a 1-2 hour long book and still retain the necessary details which guide the reader's understanding behind each point.
That being said, I've highlighted a few key quotes which in my opinion hold great value. I especially enjoyed Henry's take on "pruning" a business much like a rose. Cutting away the unnecessary business branches, product lines, employees, managers etc. which are otherwise spreading the business' resources too thinly, compromising healthy sustained growth and success.
I do however disagree with Henry's take on employee handling. I feel some of his points disregard workers, considering them more like dispensable cogs in a machine and less like living people. I feel that kind of mentality can quickly spiral out of control and create serious divides between top and low level hierarchies.
That being said, I've highlighted a few key quotes which in my opinion hold great value. I especially enjoyed Henry's take on "pruning" a business much like a rose. Cutting away the unnecessary business branches, product lines, employees, managers etc. which are otherwise spreading the business' resources too thinly, compromising healthy sustained growth and success.
I do however disagree with Henry's take on employee handling. I feel some of his points disregard workers, considering them more like dispensable cogs in a machine and less like living people. I feel that kind of mentality can quickly spiral out of control and create serious divides between top and low level hierarchies.
July 2, 2019
What a great book for the everyday working person. We don’t see how important some endings are or how to end some things that are long over do. This books really explains the why and how of necessary endings. I enjoyed seeing the different approaches and the views of others. We all tend to feel stuck sometimes and we trying everything to change that but we never think we should end the thing we are stuck in. Seeing how not everyone deserves your trust and how to see which people should be trustworthy. My favorite is the last few chapter, it was a perfect closing to this amazing book. Dr. Henry Cloud never disappoints.
August 10, 2016
This book was okay. I understood what the author is trying to convey to the readers. About new beginnings and all but it is mostly repetitive throughout.
I basically just skimmed most of the book because the information keeps repeating itself and i didn't really learn anything new from chapter to chapter.
I basically just skimmed most of the book because the information keeps repeating itself and i didn't really learn anything new from chapter to chapter.
September 10, 2017
Good concepts
Great Principles but everything was drawn out in a way that became redundant or simplistic. Good primer on expectations, boundaries, and conflict management but not a deep piece if you're looking for it.
Great Principles but everything was drawn out in a way that became redundant or simplistic. Good primer on expectations, boundaries, and conflict management but not a deep piece if you're looking for it.
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