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145 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
“After decades of grub, deluges of wine and alcohol of every sort, after a life spent in butter, cream, sauce, and oil in constant, knowingly orchestrated and meticulously cajoled excess, my trustiest right-hand men, Sir Liver and his associate Stomach, are doing marvelously well and it is my heart that is giving out.”
I am the greatest food critic in the world. It is I who has taken this minor art and raised it to a rank of utmost prestige. Everyone knows my name, from Paris to Rio, Moscow to Brazaville, Saigon o Melbourne and Acapulco. I have made, and unmade, reputations, and at sumptuous banquets I have been the knowing and merciless maitre d'oeuvre, expediting to the four corners of the globe the salt or honey of my pen, to newspapers and broadcasts and various forums, where I have been repeatedly invited to discourse upon that which previously had been reserved for a few select specialized journals or intermittent weekly chronicles. I have, for all eternity, pinned to my list of discoveries some of the most prestigious butterflies among practicing chefs. The glory and demise of Partais, or the collapse of Sangerre, or the increasingly incandescent success of Marquet can be attributed to me alone. For all eternity, indeed, I have made them what they are, for all eternity.
The moment I bit into the slice of toast, utterly sated for having honored my bountiful plate up to the very last morsel, I was overcome with an inexpressible sense of well-being. Why isit that in France we obstinately refrain from buttering our toast until after it has been toasted? the reason for the two entities should be subjected together to the flickering flame is that in this intimate moment of burning they attain an unequaled complicity. The butter loses its creamy consistency, but nevertheless is not as liquid as when it is melted on its own,in a bain-marie or a saucepan. Likewise, the toast is spared a somewhat dreary dryness, and becomes a moist, warm substance, neither sponge nor bread but something in between, ready to tantalize one's taste buds with its resultant sweetness.
He was a brutal man. Brutal in his gestures,in the dominating way he had of grabbing hold of things, his smug laugh, his raptor's gaze. I never saw him relax: everything was a pretext for tension. Already at breakfast, on those rare days when he deigned to grace us with his presence,our martyrdom began. The stage was set for psychodrama, he would splutter and expostulate, for the survival of the Empire was at stake: what were we having for lunch? Trips to the market were opportunities for hysteria. My mother submitted, as usual, as always. And then off he would go again, to other restaurants, other women, other vacations, without us,where we were not even--of this I am sure--cause for memories; perhaps,just, as he was leaving, we were like flies to him, unwanted flies that you brush away with a sweep of your hand so you needn't think about them anymore. We were his coleopterous insects.