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Undecided: How to Ditch the Endless Quest for Perfect and Find the Career -- and Life --That's Right for You
In a world of unprecedented opportunity—and pressure—women are struggling more than ever to make career decisions and move forward without second-guessing themselves. Young women graduate from college and believe they have to find the perfect path and then can’t decide which way to go. Undecided is an invaluable guide to this cultural phenomenon of “analysis paralysis.” Looking at both what the media and academic studies have reported on women, careers, and particularly the undecided phenomenon—as well as personal accounts from numerous women—mother and daughter Barbara and Shannon Kelley discuss how we got to this frustrating place, why it affects women in particular, and how today’s culture fuels our fears and distractions. The Kelleys cast a critical eye upon the psychology behind the pressure to choose, and they argue that if women are going to succeed in rising above the often-crippling demands of the modern world they need to take action . . . starting with a serious shift in perspective.
288 pages, Paperback
First published April 26, 2011
9 people are currently reading
109 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
April 7, 2012
This book is thought-provoking and offered plenty of opportunity for identification and reassurance (hey, I'm not the only one going through this!), but it was in dire need of a heavy-handed editor!
It read like an extended blog post. Conversational and casual, but largely stream of thought. The information was good, but the chapters didn't have clearly defined themes or conclusions. There was no "how-to." And the interviews needed to be trimmed with a chainsaw.
My highlighter was flying because there are plenty of gems, but those jewels are buried under repetition and small talk. The book would have been much stronger if the quotes were trimmed down from several paragraphs to the statements that mattered.
I also would have been interested in interviews from men as well. The authors postulate on why this indecision phenomenon doesn't affect men, but they don't talk to any. It damages their credibility.
The questions in the back will be useful, and I intend to answer them for myself to organize my thoughts after reading the book. I am glad I read it, but I'm disappointed because it could have been so much better!
It read like an extended blog post. Conversational and casual, but largely stream of thought. The information was good, but the chapters didn't have clearly defined themes or conclusions. There was no "how-to." And the interviews needed to be trimmed with a chainsaw.
My highlighter was flying because there are plenty of gems, but those jewels are buried under repetition and small talk. The book would have been much stronger if the quotes were trimmed down from several paragraphs to the statements that mattered.
I also would have been interested in interviews from men as well. The authors postulate on why this indecision phenomenon doesn't affect men, but they don't talk to any. It damages their credibility.
The questions in the back will be useful, and I intend to answer them for myself to organize my thoughts after reading the book. I am glad I read it, but I'm disappointed because it could have been so much better!
May 28, 2013
I don't understand why this book is classified under "vocational guidance"--the subtitle is extremely misleading. This isn't so much a career guidance book as a disjointed, scatterbrained introduction to feminism. If the entire subject is unknown to you, you might like it, but it seemed to be a rehashing of Gloria Steinem's work, Jessica Valenti's books, Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead, and a bit of Homeward Bound: Why Women are Embracing the New Domesticity. (And I know, these last two books hadn't come out by the time the Kelleys released theirs.)
I wanted the actual subject of the subtitle, especially the career bit, not a collection of interviews, pop culture references, and the well-known statistics of women and work (CEO percentage rates, salaries as compared to men, etc.). The first few chapters seemed promising, but it went downhill from there.
I wanted more on the need to be perfect and how this affects our careers. "Perfection became the goal. Anything less? Well, not just 'not good,' but for some overachieving women, 'failure.'" (36) "...raised to believe that anything less than perfection is failure, when they confront the gulf between expectations and reality, there's that nagging feeling that 'subpar' means they didn't try hard enough. Or that they chose wrong." (40) "...because it is impossible to do everything, we feel we should be able to do those things we choose to do really, really well. And if we're not doing those things really, really well and they're sapping some of our time and energy that could be spent on something else, we feel guilty." (179)
Where's an action plan on how to make good decisions and not settling when we make them? (Or is that the point? We need to learn to make decisions by ourselves and nobody can teach us how. (But then are men taught to make decisions?) So many questions, so few answers.)
I can completely relate to this: "'If I could really figure out the answer to everyone's question, "What do you want"--I'd do that! But how do I know what I want?'" (170) As I'm jobhunting, that question gets asked of me a lot, and I really and truly have no idea. I don't know how to self-validate my opinions and express what I think I might want without thinking that I'm going to be judged negatively for it. I don't know what I want, other than A JOB, so I'm at a loss when people ask. Frustrating.
A pretty quick read, good endnotes, and a light--almost too light--writing style. I'm glad I read it, if only to discover that I'm not alone in my crippling fear of making the wrong decision, but I didn't really learn anything new.
I wanted the actual subject of the subtitle, especially the career bit, not a collection of interviews, pop culture references, and the well-known statistics of women and work (CEO percentage rates, salaries as compared to men, etc.). The first few chapters seemed promising, but it went downhill from there.
I wanted more on the need to be perfect and how this affects our careers. "Perfection became the goal. Anything less? Well, not just 'not good,' but for some overachieving women, 'failure.'" (36) "...raised to believe that anything less than perfection is failure, when they confront the gulf between expectations and reality, there's that nagging feeling that 'subpar' means they didn't try hard enough. Or that they chose wrong." (40) "...because it is impossible to do everything, we feel we should be able to do those things we choose to do really, really well. And if we're not doing those things really, really well and they're sapping some of our time and energy that could be spent on something else, we feel guilty." (179)
Where's an action plan on how to make good decisions and not settling when we make them? (Or is that the point? We need to learn to make decisions by ourselves and nobody can teach us how. (But then are men taught to make decisions?) So many questions, so few answers.)
I can completely relate to this: "'If I could really figure out the answer to everyone's question, "What do you want"--I'd do that! But how do I know what I want?'" (170) As I'm jobhunting, that question gets asked of me a lot, and I really and truly have no idea. I don't know how to self-validate my opinions and express what I think I might want without thinking that I'm going to be judged negatively for it. I don't know what I want, other than A JOB, so I'm at a loss when people ask. Frustrating.
A pretty quick read, good endnotes, and a light--almost too light--writing style. I'm glad I read it, if only to discover that I'm not alone in my crippling fear of making the wrong decision, but I didn't really learn anything new.
September 13, 2012
Disorganized. needed better editing. I lost interest in last third of book.
November 2, 2019
I wanted to like this book so badly. She's right - the myth of women having it all is an under-explored issue, and these women had the platform to discuss it.
But it was so poorly written and organized that I felt whiplash the entire time. I'd be reading a really great paragraph on how women can't have it all and it's okay to let things go, and then we'd be in a section on how women have to be persevere so we can stay 'at the table'. I understand how those two things can coexist but I had to do some of my own mental gymnastics to get there, rather than have the writing leading me there. Honestly, I left feeling more undecided about how I want to live my life, and just felt like it reinforced my feminist views without any tangible advice.
Another critique of this book was its laser focus on upper class heterosexual/normative [white] women. All these problems are clearly those of someone who has no serious financial struggles and doesn't face racism. I didn't appreciate the implication and often blatant suggestion that housework and childcare be exported to others (instead of shared between men and women in heterosexual relationships). That's just shifting the problem onto lower class women (often immigrants or POC)....
I didn't leave feeling like the book had any coherent thesis. I did get some useful insights though, hence two stars.
1. The illusion in society is that women can do it all - the job, the house, the kids, the husband, the adventure. However, this illusion is based on the premise that men had it all, so why can't we? Obviously, the math on this doesn't add up: men 'had it all' on the backs of their wive's housework and childcare. Something's gotta give if both men and women want to 'have it all', because right now many women are doing 2 jobs and blaming themselves up for not being able to do them both flawlessly.
2. Women tend to face their options and think - how will this decision hurt others? We have a tendency to care too much how our choices are perceived and how they impact.
3. In our current society, men can live their lives sequentially - job (+wealth-accruing), then wife, then kids. Women, for both societal and biological reasons, need to marry younger and have children younger. This tends to coincide with exactly when their careers would be peaking. It's no wonder so many of them drop out.
4. Workplaces are designed for men. If someone were to cry in a business meeting, this would be entirely inappropriate and deemed 'crazy'. However, bullying, yelling, and being assertive or competitive are often seen as part of business meetings and can be rewarded. One is a traditionally feminine response to being attacked, while the other is masculine.
But it was so poorly written and organized that I felt whiplash the entire time. I'd be reading a really great paragraph on how women can't have it all and it's okay to let things go, and then we'd be in a section on how women have to be persevere so we can stay 'at the table'. I understand how those two things can coexist but I had to do some of my own mental gymnastics to get there, rather than have the writing leading me there. Honestly, I left feeling more undecided about how I want to live my life, and just felt like it reinforced my feminist views without any tangible advice.
Another critique of this book was its laser focus on upper class heterosexual/normative [white] women. All these problems are clearly those of someone who has no serious financial struggles and doesn't face racism. I didn't appreciate the implication and often blatant suggestion that housework and childcare be exported to others (instead of shared between men and women in heterosexual relationships). That's just shifting the problem onto lower class women (often immigrants or POC)....
I didn't leave feeling like the book had any coherent thesis. I did get some useful insights though, hence two stars.
1. The illusion in society is that women can do it all - the job, the house, the kids, the husband, the adventure. However, this illusion is based on the premise that men had it all, so why can't we? Obviously, the math on this doesn't add up: men 'had it all' on the backs of their wive's housework and childcare. Something's gotta give if both men and women want to 'have it all', because right now many women are doing 2 jobs and blaming themselves up for not being able to do them both flawlessly.
2. Women tend to face their options and think - how will this decision hurt others? We have a tendency to care too much how our choices are perceived and how they impact.
3. In our current society, men can live their lives sequentially - job (+wealth-accruing), then wife, then kids. Women, for both societal and biological reasons, need to marry younger and have children younger. This tends to coincide with exactly when their careers would be peaking. It's no wonder so many of them drop out.
4. Workplaces are designed for men. If someone were to cry in a business meeting, this would be entirely inappropriate and deemed 'crazy'. However, bullying, yelling, and being assertive or competitive are often seen as part of business meetings and can be rewarded. One is a traditionally feminine response to being attacked, while the other is masculine.
April 27, 2019
The title of the book and the content is misleading. It is more to feminism which I found out in the middle of the book that I need to skip few chapters because that is not what I’m looking for.
I like the casual way of writing but it is just too many quote after quote; like the authors went to do a survey to a group of people and paste their answers in this book.
However some of the contents, the ideas are still likeable.
I like the casual way of writing but it is just too many quote after quote; like the authors went to do a survey to a group of people and paste their answers in this book.
However some of the contents, the ideas are still likeable.
March 17, 2021
I have to say I'm pretty disappointed with this book. I read a lot of rave reviews about it but it just seemed to be a book containing excerpts and ideas from other books and articles I had already read. On top of that there was a lot of focus on being a working mom, something I will never be doing since I am child-free by choice. Overall, not terrible but not the life changing book people are making it out to be either.
July 18, 2017
This was a good-ish read. But it was what all the other reviews say... it is a collection of quotes, interviews and stats from other sources without too much of an argument it is trying to build besides that you aren't the only one who feels this way or has these experiences. However some of the stats and studies they reference are interesting.
Read
July 27, 2017Some good tidbits- but they are too buried. The blog like style of writing summarizing numerous studies and experiences just didn't work for me. Made it half way through but it was one if the rare books that I could not motivate myself to finish.
June 21, 2013
I picked up this book because I'm a lost twenty-something that needs a little guidance. Questions like "What do you want to do with your life?" and "Where do you see yourself in five years?" have me stumped. After trolling through Amazon, I clicked on "Undecided" from the page on Christine Hassler's "Twenty-something, Twenty Everything," which I have yet to read. From the description, I was eager to read "Undecided." Having just finished, I feel slightly disappointed even though I liked it.
Like other reviewers, I found this book title to be somewhat misleading. Yes, many of the examples and women that Barbara Kelley discusses are about women who are directionless. Yes, she does give some thought to how stop pursuing perfection and yes, she also does give some advice to find a chosen career/life path. But all of that was read in the last 90 percent of the book. Sandwiched in between a promising beginning on self-discovery and possible career advice is a lot on feminism, family policy, and not being able to "have it all."
Even though Kelley took the more circuitous route to get to her final points, the book was informative and possibly helpful. I just finished this book about 5 minutes ago, so I'll wait and see if Kelley's thoughts and advice helps me find my way out of my lost twenty-something maze.
Like other reviewers, I found this book title to be somewhat misleading. Yes, many of the examples and women that Barbara Kelley discusses are about women who are directionless. Yes, she does give some thought to how stop pursuing perfection and yes, she also does give some advice to find a chosen career/life path. But all of that was read in the last 90 percent of the book. Sandwiched in between a promising beginning on self-discovery and possible career advice is a lot on feminism, family policy, and not being able to "have it all."
Even though Kelley took the more circuitous route to get to her final points, the book was informative and possibly helpful. I just finished this book about 5 minutes ago, so I'll wait and see if Kelley's thoughts and advice helps me find my way out of my lost twenty-something maze.
October 6, 2013
Loved the first part of the book, I thought this book is for me and for every undecided person out there. Then it made my head spin for going back and forth between decisions I am contemplating. Then it when into how we are affected by the feminism movement. It wasn't over bearing if that sort of thing wold normally scare you off. The end I enjoyed the most and brought clarity. I wrote down several quotes through out the book, some from the author and some from other sources. All were very inspirational. I would recommend to any women who is indecisive because it's not just about a career. I would also recommend to any female high school-er because they are faced with a lot of pressure to make the "right" choice.
May 17, 2011
The perfect book for the post-college 20-something woman! Several chapters will also ring true for working moms, but it's mostly aimed at the younger crowd.
The Kelleys do a fantastic job of articulating the phenomenon, and the anecdotes lend a nice touch.
I did find it disappointing, however, that there was less focus on what to do--it just continued to be more like a sociological study and not a 'how to' guide. Which is totally fine (and still extremely interesting!)--but don't be misled by the subtitle. Undecided is NOT going to tell you "How to ditch the endless quest for the perfect career and find a job (and life) that works for you."
The Kelleys do a fantastic job of articulating the phenomenon, and the anecdotes lend a nice touch.
I did find it disappointing, however, that there was less focus on what to do--it just continued to be more like a sociological study and not a 'how to' guide. Which is totally fine (and still extremely interesting!)--but don't be misled by the subtitle. Undecided is NOT going to tell you "How to ditch the endless quest for the perfect career and find a job (and life) that works for you."
February 18, 2013
I recommend this book to EVERY woman in her twenties! It is a well researched and covers a broad range of topics women encounter in their careers. I promise if you read it, you may find yourself exclaiming: "Yes, this is me!" and "This is so true!" possibly every other sentence. (I also recommend keeping a highlighter close by.) And even if you have the perfect job and know exactly what you want to do with your life, Undecided, although doesn't have all the answers, definitely provides a context to our generation of women in the workforce and how we got there.
November 19, 2012
I would have finished with this book days ago but got tripped up by the drab ending. Ended up skimming to get it over with. I rather enjoyed it otherwise. Lots of fodder for discussion. This would make a fun buddy read.
Also, ignore the subtitle. Rather puzzling how they came up with that one as it doesn't accurately reflect the content of this book.
Also, ignore the subtitle. Rather puzzling how they came up with that one as it doesn't accurately reflect the content of this book.
January 5, 2017
I related to a lot in this book and found it very interesting. However, as a piece of writing it was very disorganized and almost too 'unpolished' at parts (and not in an accessible way more in a 'I cant take you seriously when you talk like that' way) - with better editing it could have been a lot better. The 'rambling' made you lose interest.
June 6, 2016
The front cover lied. This is a book about how feminism was supposed to help women do anything they wanted and this turned out to be a bad thing because now that they don't have proscribed roles, they have to make up their minds and this is hard. No advice on actually finding the right career for yourself.
Want to read
May 3, 2011This book is by a local Santa Barbara mother/daughter. I know the daughter (Shannon) through the SB Independent (she is the writer for their Style section). They would love your support (read their book and give a positive review if you like it). Thanks! :)
June 19, 2016
Have you ever read a book that promised something good but never actually delivers anything? The authors spend all of their time referencing "the paradox of choice" and promoting the old conservative idea that women are happier without choices. It's an incomprehensibly bad book.
Read
May 13, 2011I haven't read this yet! I don't know why it says that!!!
March 31, 2016
Started strong but then lost me.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews