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Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship
Bookseller's Report
Authored by the couple who penned the cautionary I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl offers help for teens seeking bible-guided counsel, not just pragmatic dating rules. Its guidance includes admonitions that young people think about the possibility of marriage while making dating decisions.
Authored by the couple who penned the cautionary I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Boy Meets Girl offers help for teens seeking bible-guided counsel, not just pragmatic dating rules. Its guidance includes admonitions that young people think about the possibility of marriage while making dating decisions.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2000
438 people are currently reading
9854 people want to read
About the author
Joshua Harris
68 books568 followersJoshua Harris lived outside Washington, D.C., in Gaithersburg, Maryland, where he was a pastor at Covenant Life Church. His greatest passion was preaching the gospel and calling his generation to wholehearted devotion to God. Each January he lead a national conference for singles called New Attitude.
He since apostatised, divorced & became an LGBTQ+ advocate.
He since apostatised, divorced & became an LGBTQ+ advocate.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 493 reviews
September 13, 2010
I love Jesus. I believe the Bible to be authoritative and God-breathed. That being said, I struggle with the idea that a 25-year-old who is 2 years into marriage has "figured out" how romantic relationship-building should look with a few carefully-selected verses and a plethora of fairy-tale-esque relationship stories.
(side note: I'm tired of seeing Song of Solomon 8:4 used to create any sort of defense of how modern relationships should look. It was written by Solomon to express affection for one of his 700 wives [or 300 concubines]. Is this verse used a lot in the book? No, but I wanted to make this comment).
Is it important that intentions be correct in a romantic relationship? Absolutely. Should spiritual leadership exist in some regard between two people pursuing marriage? Sure (though obviously limited - guard your heart! [Proverbs 4:23]). Should Joshua Harris's model for relationships apply to all couples? Absolutely not.
I ended up getting remarkably worked up by this book. It was good for conversation, but not convicting - it comes off as judgemental of non-courtship and those who don't pursue a relationship in the same way that the author did.
But hey, that's just my opinion.
(side note: I'm tired of seeing Song of Solomon 8:4 used to create any sort of defense of how modern relationships should look. It was written by Solomon to express affection for one of his 700 wives [or 300 concubines]. Is this verse used a lot in the book? No, but I wanted to make this comment).
Is it important that intentions be correct in a romantic relationship? Absolutely. Should spiritual leadership exist in some regard between two people pursuing marriage? Sure (though obviously limited - guard your heart! [Proverbs 4:23]). Should Joshua Harris's model for relationships apply to all couples? Absolutely not.
I ended up getting remarkably worked up by this book. It was good for conversation, but not convicting - it comes off as judgemental of non-courtship and those who don't pursue a relationship in the same way that the author did.
But hey, that's just my opinion.
December 14, 2011
Let me say up front that I enjoyed this book more than Joshua Harris' first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Not that that book was a dud or anything, but Boy Meets Girl has Harris in the now-married-and-able-to-look-back-on-courting role. This made all the difference. The thing that I appreciated most about this book was the constant focus on the heart. So many in the church are consumed with rules for the sake of rules. Rules are necessary and good, but only when they flow out of a heart that desires to honor God.
So many have caricatured Josh Harris in the years since his first two books came out that it's refreshing to actually read his words and not depend on what others think they know about his views. With the benefit of hindsight, Harris outlines the essentials of a healthy, God-honoring courting relationship. His main goal is to help young people figure out how to know that they are ready for marriage. Along the way, the dozens of interviews and personal stories illuminate his general principles in specific ways. Having real-life stories introduce and/or conclude a section or chapter was more helpful than excess explanation from Harris.
Here's some highlights:
Chapter Two is really important as it introduces us to the concept that courtship (as opposed to dating) is all about being purposeful in a guy-girl relationship. This is a direct shot across the bow of today's casual dating and "hooking up" culture. Harris is also careful to point out that he's not stuck on the term "courtship." Call it what you will, but his desire is for purposeful, pure relationships.
Chapter Three contrasts romance and wisdom. By romance, Harris means the emotions-first fare that is constantly served up by Hollywood. One is ready for courtship "when you can match romance with wisdom" (48).
Chapter Six's provocative title (What To Do With Your Lips) introduces a helpful discussion of communication that is often ignored or psychologized. The five principles laid out here are very practical and easy to evaluate.
Chapter Seven takes on the roles of men and women and challenged Christian young men to stand up and be men in their private lives and in their relationships with women. Harris does not ignore the women and gives them several helpful pointers from a guy's point of view.
Chapter Nine is the one most people skip to because it's essentially the "SEX" chapter. Harris' opening anecdote (140-143) really resonated with me as something that most guys understand and acknowledge but don't allow themselves to get serious about. I thought that Harris' Scripture-saturated approach to sex and its beauty and its dangers was well-balanced. Much of this chapter can be seen in Harris' Sex is Not the Problem; Lust Is.
Chapter Ten deals with a mistake-filled past and the forgiveness that is in Jesus. Chapter Eleven has ten solid questions to answer before you get engaged. Chapter Twelve wraps up the book in a positive, encouraging, commissioning way.
I did not read the "Eight Great Dates" appendix in the 2005 edition.
I would say that every Christian parent and every Christian teen ought to read this book, if for no other reason than to actually have to think about being purposefully headed toward marriage.
So many have caricatured Josh Harris in the years since his first two books came out that it's refreshing to actually read his words and not depend on what others think they know about his views. With the benefit of hindsight, Harris outlines the essentials of a healthy, God-honoring courting relationship. His main goal is to help young people figure out how to know that they are ready for marriage. Along the way, the dozens of interviews and personal stories illuminate his general principles in specific ways. Having real-life stories introduce and/or conclude a section or chapter was more helpful than excess explanation from Harris.
Here's some highlights:
Chapter Two is really important as it introduces us to the concept that courtship (as opposed to dating) is all about being purposeful in a guy-girl relationship. This is a direct shot across the bow of today's casual dating and "hooking up" culture. Harris is also careful to point out that he's not stuck on the term "courtship." Call it what you will, but his desire is for purposeful, pure relationships.
Chapter Three contrasts romance and wisdom. By romance, Harris means the emotions-first fare that is constantly served up by Hollywood. One is ready for courtship "when you can match romance with wisdom" (48).
Chapter Six's provocative title (What To Do With Your Lips) introduces a helpful discussion of communication that is often ignored or psychologized. The five principles laid out here are very practical and easy to evaluate.
Chapter Seven takes on the roles of men and women and challenged Christian young men to stand up and be men in their private lives and in their relationships with women. Harris does not ignore the women and gives them several helpful pointers from a guy's point of view.
Chapter Nine is the one most people skip to because it's essentially the "SEX" chapter. Harris' opening anecdote (140-143) really resonated with me as something that most guys understand and acknowledge but don't allow themselves to get serious about. I thought that Harris' Scripture-saturated approach to sex and its beauty and its dangers was well-balanced. Much of this chapter can be seen in Harris' Sex is Not the Problem; Lust Is.
Chapter Ten deals with a mistake-filled past and the forgiveness that is in Jesus. Chapter Eleven has ten solid questions to answer before you get engaged. Chapter Twelve wraps up the book in a positive, encouraging, commissioning way.
I did not read the "Eight Great Dates" appendix in the 2005 edition.
I would say that every Christian parent and every Christian teen ought to read this book, if for no other reason than to actually have to think about being purposefully headed toward marriage.
May 16, 2017
The author has since apologized for this book and its prequel due to the damaging teaching that has affected an entire generation. So there's that.
September 27, 2012
Not A Fan
Let me just begin by saying I'm biased. I have a problem with Josh Harris and I have for some time. I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye when I was in middle school and it scared me to death. It seems to me that his writing is based on fear and it creates this mindset of absolute repression and ignoring the fact that humans are sexual creatures. I am not reviewing I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but this was the foundation on which I read Boy Meets Girl.
First off, I don't think it's smart to date anyone thinking about marriage. Sure, I also don't think you should date someone you would never DREAM of marrying, but there's a middle ground between scoffing at the idea of marriage and then "courting." You get sixteen-year old kids who want to be pure and follow Josh Harris' lead, but also don't want to casually date, so they try to not-quite-date someone because they really, really like them. Then they have super high expectations that they will marry the person, and then become devastated when it doesn't work out.
There were just little things that bothered me. For some reason, asking his future wife to not wear certain shorts or give him a real hug made me think, "Hey, that sounds like a you problem, Josh. If that's all it takes for you fall into sin or whatever....get a grip." Young people get so afraid of their sexuality and so sensitive to it, that the slightest twinge or tingle sets them off. That actually makes it seem like it would be easier to fall into full-blown sex if all it takes is a kiss to get those fires burning.
I could ramble on, but the bottom line is, I should have read this more as a personal account of Josh's journey with his wife than a how-to. Everyone person is wired differently and not everyone should live as extremely as Josh Harris did. It can have bad consequences and skew a person's perspective on what healthy (but still Biblical) sexuality is.
Let me just begin by saying I'm biased. I have a problem with Josh Harris and I have for some time. I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye when I was in middle school and it scared me to death. It seems to me that his writing is based on fear and it creates this mindset of absolute repression and ignoring the fact that humans are sexual creatures. I am not reviewing I Kissed Dating Goodbye, but this was the foundation on which I read Boy Meets Girl.
First off, I don't think it's smart to date anyone thinking about marriage. Sure, I also don't think you should date someone you would never DREAM of marrying, but there's a middle ground between scoffing at the idea of marriage and then "courting." You get sixteen-year old kids who want to be pure and follow Josh Harris' lead, but also don't want to casually date, so they try to not-quite-date someone because they really, really like them. Then they have super high expectations that they will marry the person, and then become devastated when it doesn't work out.
There were just little things that bothered me. For some reason, asking his future wife to not wear certain shorts or give him a real hug made me think, "Hey, that sounds like a you problem, Josh. If that's all it takes for you fall into sin or whatever....get a grip." Young people get so afraid of their sexuality and so sensitive to it, that the slightest twinge or tingle sets them off. That actually makes it seem like it would be easier to fall into full-blown sex if all it takes is a kiss to get those fires burning.
I could ramble on, but the bottom line is, I should have read this more as a personal account of Josh's journey with his wife than a how-to. Everyone person is wired differently and not everyone should live as extremely as Josh Harris did. It can have bad consequences and skew a person's perspective on what healthy (but still Biblical) sexuality is.
August 4, 2020
Excellent if you're an obedient Christian. Me, I came to my Christianity late in the game, well into my first marriage, and I'm not ready to add another layer of struggle to my faith, I suppose.
January 22, 2009
A few years ago I read his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, which was really helpful for my new outlook on relationships. This one was just as insightful and helpful for me. See, as a young child, I always held to a pretty traditional outlook on what boys should do and what girls should do. Dads work and Moms stay home. Boys do the pursuing and girls do the waiting. This outlook wasn't particularly enforced by anything in my family, that I can recall, it's just what always seemed like the right thing.
Of course, as adults know, we tend to make life more complicated as we grow up. Especially if we don't have strong biblical foundations, but I digress. The point is that as I grew up I succumbed to the pressures that this world offers up in the area of relationships. However, after reading both of these books (as well as my Bible), and sitting under sound biblical teaching on this matter it turns out that the very ideals that I thought were right, and held to as a child, were right. Or I guess what I should say is that they match up with what the Bible has to say about relationships, and it's just been nice to read these two books and have those thoughts confirmed.
Anyway, what Josh proposes, in this book is getting back to the basics which is that a man should only pursue a relationship with a girl once he's ready to get married (men that means you must have employment too). I mean Boaz didn't date around until he came upon Ruth (of course I had to reference my favorite book) and he owned an entire field. He definitely came with his A game. Admittedly, in the book, that doesn't mean that just because you pursue a relationship with someone that you will get married to that person, but rather that unless you are willing to be married to someone you should not be entering into random relationships with the opposite sex. Hence courtship enters the picture. The term courting was actually born out of the middle ages when knights of the court would try and woo the ladies of the court. It has, much to societies chagrin, evolved into what we now know as dating (I cringe at the thought of it evolving into "hooking up", but that seems to be were it has started to go).
This book helped me in a couple areas. Primarily since I've only ever imagined what this aspect of life can, and hopefully will, hold for me it gave me some practical information as to what I should be expecting from any potential suitors, as well as what I should be bringing to the table and prioritizing in my own heart and mind. This particular edition of the book also has some ideas/guidelines as to basic conversations to hold with each other as well as some pretty fun "date" ideas that accompany the actual conversations. For example, and this one would be a little difficult for me due to my dietary needs, but one of them suggests discussing and finding a way to get a decent dinner for under $10 while discussing your financial history, present and the future. The other thing I liked about the book, was that it's not just for young people looking for guidance, which a lot of books of this particular genre are, but rather it speaks to older people, like myself. It addresses certain issues that many of us, who received Christ later on in life face.
But one of the things that I loved about reading this book was how relaxing it was. At best it takes me a week or two to read a book, which is relaxing in and of itself, but this was a huge exception. On Christmas Day I was allowed time to just sit read, which was sooo relaxing. Because of this gift, I basically read the book in a day. Which is ironic because the last time I was able to do that I was on a C-130 flying to Japan for a deployment. And what, pray tell, was the book that I read that leads to this delicious irony. Well it was none other than Joshua Harris' first book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". LOL, I love it:) And I hope that all of you who read this get the opportunity to read the book.
Of course, as adults know, we tend to make life more complicated as we grow up. Especially if we don't have strong biblical foundations, but I digress. The point is that as I grew up I succumbed to the pressures that this world offers up in the area of relationships. However, after reading both of these books (as well as my Bible), and sitting under sound biblical teaching on this matter it turns out that the very ideals that I thought were right, and held to as a child, were right. Or I guess what I should say is that they match up with what the Bible has to say about relationships, and it's just been nice to read these two books and have those thoughts confirmed.
Anyway, what Josh proposes, in this book is getting back to the basics which is that a man should only pursue a relationship with a girl once he's ready to get married (men that means you must have employment too). I mean Boaz didn't date around until he came upon Ruth (of course I had to reference my favorite book) and he owned an entire field. He definitely came with his A game. Admittedly, in the book, that doesn't mean that just because you pursue a relationship with someone that you will get married to that person, but rather that unless you are willing to be married to someone you should not be entering into random relationships with the opposite sex. Hence courtship enters the picture. The term courting was actually born out of the middle ages when knights of the court would try and woo the ladies of the court. It has, much to societies chagrin, evolved into what we now know as dating (I cringe at the thought of it evolving into "hooking up", but that seems to be were it has started to go).
This book helped me in a couple areas. Primarily since I've only ever imagined what this aspect of life can, and hopefully will, hold for me it gave me some practical information as to what I should be expecting from any potential suitors, as well as what I should be bringing to the table and prioritizing in my own heart and mind. This particular edition of the book also has some ideas/guidelines as to basic conversations to hold with each other as well as some pretty fun "date" ideas that accompany the actual conversations. For example, and this one would be a little difficult for me due to my dietary needs, but one of them suggests discussing and finding a way to get a decent dinner for under $10 while discussing your financial history, present and the future. The other thing I liked about the book, was that it's not just for young people looking for guidance, which a lot of books of this particular genre are, but rather it speaks to older people, like myself. It addresses certain issues that many of us, who received Christ later on in life face.
But one of the things that I loved about reading this book was how relaxing it was. At best it takes me a week or two to read a book, which is relaxing in and of itself, but this was a huge exception. On Christmas Day I was allowed time to just sit read, which was sooo relaxing. Because of this gift, I basically read the book in a day. Which is ironic because the last time I was able to do that I was on a C-130 flying to Japan for a deployment. And what, pray tell, was the book that I read that leads to this delicious irony. Well it was none other than Joshua Harris' first book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". LOL, I love it:) And I hope that all of you who read this get the opportunity to read the book.
October 6, 2012
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and not lean on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6
The book wasn't a 'self-help to make our relationship long lasting' instead, it was a about trusting God on our relationship. Setting Him on the center of our every relationship. The book simply hit me hardcore.
Mr. Harris will always amaze me. His faith in Jesus Christ. Here, I realized & felt deeply how He sacrificed his only son for our sins. How He loved us more than anything else. How we should love Him more than anyone/anything else. We live for Him.
And as for our love stories, Mr. Harris quoted, 'Real love is always fated...... And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and. coincidence for His grace.' We can't be rushing about things because God knows the right time for us.
Trust Him. ♥
The book wasn't a 'self-help to make our relationship long lasting' instead, it was a about trusting God on our relationship. Setting Him on the center of our every relationship. The book simply hit me hardcore.
Mr. Harris will always amaze me. His faith in Jesus Christ. Here, I realized & felt deeply how He sacrificed his only son for our sins. How He loved us more than anything else. How we should love Him more than anyone/anything else. We live for Him.
And as for our love stories, Mr. Harris quoted, 'Real love is always fated...... And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and. coincidence for His grace.' We can't be rushing about things because God knows the right time for us.
Trust Him. ♥
October 9, 2023
second read:
ahh. i was rereading this, hoping to have some clarity in a relationship, but….. nothing but discouragement and nonpractical advice. don’t ever enter into a relationship until you’re ready to be married in two years or so, and then immediately approach a courtship with the prospect of marriage. women should be subject first to their fathers, then to their husbands (i understand & agree with the idea, but the wording expressed a patriarchal harshness that was just gross.)
plus, joshua harris abandoned everything he taught and walked away from his family. how credible is this legalistic theology? i agreed with much of the book, and there were some really sweet stories. i just think it’s extremely legalistic — or, i suppose, relying on the rules as a safeguard rather than on christ.
there’s no magic formula for a good relationship, much as we might wish there was.
first read:
it really showed me how saving myself for my husband is a blessing rather than something withheld. treating a boyfriend as a brother in christ allows you the freedom to walk away from that relationship with no regrets.
while i may not follow everything as strictly as joshua did, i’m definitely going to rethink my idea of dating and my accompanying standards. (:
ahh. i was rereading this, hoping to have some clarity in a relationship, but….. nothing but discouragement and nonpractical advice. don’t ever enter into a relationship until you’re ready to be married in two years or so, and then immediately approach a courtship with the prospect of marriage. women should be subject first to their fathers, then to their husbands (i understand & agree with the idea, but the wording expressed a patriarchal harshness that was just gross.)
plus, joshua harris abandoned everything he taught and walked away from his family. how credible is this legalistic theology? i agreed with much of the book, and there were some really sweet stories. i just think it’s extremely legalistic — or, i suppose, relying on the rules as a safeguard rather than on christ.
there’s no magic formula for a good relationship, much as we might wish there was.
first read:
it really showed me how saving myself for my husband is a blessing rather than something withheld. treating a boyfriend as a brother in christ allows you the freedom to walk away from that relationship with no regrets.
while i may not follow everything as strictly as joshua did, i’m definitely going to rethink my idea of dating and my accompanying standards. (:
May 3, 2012
Boy Meets Girl: That is the beginning of what can be a journey of something very beautiful, or something very disastrous. These days our culture has turned dating into a game. It is no longer about purposefully getting to know someone that you have intentions of marrying, but it is all about living in the moment, satisfying your desires and longings for a relationship and it is also about the rush of emotions that can come with it. This is much of what Joshua Harris wrote in his first book: I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Harris has written Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship to follow up with the way that Christians should view and go about dating/courting relationships. "Courtship?" you might be thinking that it is so old fashioned, or maybe you just don't like the term. Harris states early on: "Ultimately the term we use for relationship doesn't matter as much as how we live." (pg. 27)
This book is about romance with a purpose. The central theme of the book is to celebrate God's way in romance. Boy Meets Girl is divided into 3 parts. In each of these parts Harris shares stories of some of his own experiences as well as some from people that he knows. The book is written in an engaging style with many stories of dating relationships/courtships that succeeded or failed with much to learn and to take into account from each of them. A successful courtship is not described just as one that results in marriage, but one in which both parties show honor to each other and serve each other to the best of their ability, motives, thoughts words and actions.
Part 1 is about Rethinking Romance. It is here that Harris lays a detailed picture of how we should view romance, relationships and the whatnot. It also explains the reasoning for it. Part 2 is about the Season of Courtship. Here Joshua says:
"Instead of making engagement the finish line of courtship, our goal should be to treat each other in a godly manner, make the right choice about marriage, and have a clear conscience about our actions." (pg. 76)
Courtship, as described in Boy Meets Girl is "romance with purpose". There are many helpful guidelines and ideas of what a healthy dating/courting relationship looks like. Throughout part 2 of the book, there is a lot of focus on how to guard your friendship and grow and how to fellowship. A great point made in chapter 5 is this:
"Guarding the fruit of true biblical fellowship means increasing your love and passion for God, not your emotional dependence on each other. Your goal is to point each other to Him." (pg. 81)
This describes something important to look for while courting/dating. Does this person point me to God and encourage me in my faith and spiritual walk?
Finally, getting into Part 3, Harris includes ten questions to answer before you get engaged. These principles and guidelines really are something to think about and to apply.
Some of the concepts in the book are a bit extreme in my personal opinion, but there are also some very good and wise guidelines. "Don't follow your feelings until you have tested them" (pg. 50) for example is something very wise to heed. Often times our feelings can be our biggest deceivers. Love and romance, contrary to what Hollywood makes it, is not all about how you feel about someone. Feelings can change. There needs to be more than feelings and more than physical attraction. There needs to be commitment and trust and true grounded friendship involved first.
Overall, Boy Meets Girl is a great book that I would recommend for anyone who is planning on getting into a serious relationship or getting married at some point. There is a lot of wise points made about relationships from people who have been there that can save a lot of heartache and also strengthen even strong relationships. It is all about being intentional and purposeful - something that is very rare in our dating culture today. To apply the message of this book brings back what beauty there can be in the journey that can build to marriage.
This book is about romance with a purpose. The central theme of the book is to celebrate God's way in romance. Boy Meets Girl is divided into 3 parts. In each of these parts Harris shares stories of some of his own experiences as well as some from people that he knows. The book is written in an engaging style with many stories of dating relationships/courtships that succeeded or failed with much to learn and to take into account from each of them. A successful courtship is not described just as one that results in marriage, but one in which both parties show honor to each other and serve each other to the best of their ability, motives, thoughts words and actions.
Part 1 is about Rethinking Romance. It is here that Harris lays a detailed picture of how we should view romance, relationships and the whatnot. It also explains the reasoning for it. Part 2 is about the Season of Courtship. Here Joshua says:
"Instead of making engagement the finish line of courtship, our goal should be to treat each other in a godly manner, make the right choice about marriage, and have a clear conscience about our actions." (pg. 76)
Courtship, as described in Boy Meets Girl is "romance with purpose". There are many helpful guidelines and ideas of what a healthy dating/courting relationship looks like. Throughout part 2 of the book, there is a lot of focus on how to guard your friendship and grow and how to fellowship. A great point made in chapter 5 is this:
"Guarding the fruit of true biblical fellowship means increasing your love and passion for God, not your emotional dependence on each other. Your goal is to point each other to Him." (pg. 81)
This describes something important to look for while courting/dating. Does this person point me to God and encourage me in my faith and spiritual walk?
Finally, getting into Part 3, Harris includes ten questions to answer before you get engaged. These principles and guidelines really are something to think about and to apply.
Some of the concepts in the book are a bit extreme in my personal opinion, but there are also some very good and wise guidelines. "Don't follow your feelings until you have tested them" (pg. 50) for example is something very wise to heed. Often times our feelings can be our biggest deceivers. Love and romance, contrary to what Hollywood makes it, is not all about how you feel about someone. Feelings can change. There needs to be more than feelings and more than physical attraction. There needs to be commitment and trust and true grounded friendship involved first.
Overall, Boy Meets Girl is a great book that I would recommend for anyone who is planning on getting into a serious relationship or getting married at some point. There is a lot of wise points made about relationships from people who have been there that can save a lot of heartache and also strengthen even strong relationships. It is all about being intentional and purposeful - something that is very rare in our dating culture today. To apply the message of this book brings back what beauty there can be in the journey that can build to marriage.
April 17, 2016
I am loooooooooving this book! I like practicals and Joshua Harris offers that to his readers. Being a college student trying to have a relationship GOD'S WAY isn't the most popular concept. As a result, I have LOADS of questions, but not many people who can give me biblical/spiritual answers. Not only that, but I wasn't always a Christian, so I definitely don't know what I'm doing in this "new" area! lol
I just started dating and my biggest prayers are to do this God's way, NOT to be a stumbling block to my boyfriend/brother in Christ, and to HAVE FUN!! :-)
I really appreciate this book and am enjoying what I've read thus far. I suppose more than anything the main themes are: prayer, respect, self-control, biblical love (not just based on emotions), and trust in God's timing/perfect plan :)
PS: If you're not anywhere near marriage, I was advised not to read section 3. It's for those getting married SOON and may not be the best thing to read if you're trying to guard your hearts and minds in relation to purity :)
I just started dating and my biggest prayers are to do this God's way, NOT to be a stumbling block to my boyfriend/brother in Christ, and to HAVE FUN!! :-)
I really appreciate this book and am enjoying what I've read thus far. I suppose more than anything the main themes are: prayer, respect, self-control, biblical love (not just based on emotions), and trust in God's timing/perfect plan :)
PS: If you're not anywhere near marriage, I was advised not to read section 3. It's for those getting married SOON and may not be the best thing to read if you're trying to guard your hearts and minds in relation to purity :)
July 1, 2016
this book was encouraging and made me think. maybe 3.5 stars. it seems that a lot of people are grumpy at Josh Harris for being legalistic; this is the first book I've read by him, but his approach seemed to be humble and God-centered, or that was the goal.
seemed like a gracious, human attempt to seek out how to glorify God in relationships.
people should not be so grumpy.
seemed like a gracious, human attempt to seek out how to glorify God in relationships.
people should not be so grumpy.
May 23, 2011
So he kissed dating goodbye only to court this shannon woman some years later.....
Oh...........please...............
Im inwardly gagging....
Oh...........please...............
Im inwardly gagging....
March 2, 2013
Balanced, helpful, and focused on principles instead of formulas. I was both encouraged and convicted by reading it.
April 26, 2011
Joshua Harris wrote this book in an engaging style. He includes his and his wife Shannon's story, as well as other people's relationships, as examples throughout this story. I found myself actively involved in the book, occasionally nodding and murmuring an "exactly" or "I know how that goes" to myself as the chapters unfolded. I underlined and made note on several sections in this book and could hardly put it down. I highly recommend this book for people seeking a more meaningful relationship than casual dating. If you feel like the purpose of dating/courtship is to see if you would be interested in marrying a certain person someday, then this book is definitely helpful in seeing how it could work. It shows a mature side to romance that is refreshing and very applicable. Also, the 8 conversation ideas in the back of the book are fun to glance over to get ideas for what to do on dates. I especially liked the suggestion of each person taking a turn to pull out family albums, home videos, or baby books and telling his or her "story." I thought this might be a nice inside/winter date idea, especially if paired with a nice pot of homemade soup.
March 11, 2009
Here are some hints from the book of what I like the most!
I really like their wisdom about the Art of Skillful Romance:
1) Romance says "I want it now!" Wisdom urges patience.
2) Romance says, "This is what I want and it's good for me." Wisdom leads us to consider what's best for the other person.
3) Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
Most people tell us to look at his appearance & personality, but Joshua recommends these qualities/characteristics in a husband:
1) How he relates to God
2) How he relates to others like his parents, authorities, opposite sex, companions
3) His personal discipline in using time, handling money -> compassion, love, generosity; care for his body
4) His attitude of willing obedience to God with God-centered and Biblical thinking. A heart of servanthood and humility.
5) Industriousness - willingness to work at whatever tasks present itself, contentment, hopefulness
I really like their wisdom about the Art of Skillful Romance:
1) Romance says "I want it now!" Wisdom urges patience.
2) Romance says, "This is what I want and it's good for me." Wisdom leads us to consider what's best for the other person.
3) Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
Most people tell us to look at his appearance & personality, but Joshua recommends these qualities/characteristics in a husband:
1) How he relates to God
2) How he relates to others like his parents, authorities, opposite sex, companions
3) His personal discipline in using time, handling money -> compassion, love, generosity; care for his body
4) His attitude of willing obedience to God with God-centered and Biblical thinking. A heart of servanthood and humility.
5) Industriousness - willingness to work at whatever tasks present itself, contentment, hopefulness
March 8, 2009
Due to the horrendously old-fashioned sexism, I could barely bring myself to even read the back synopsis of another Joshua Harris book. I'm one for gender diversity, domesticity and chastity - though I don't believe that God expects us to live in the stone age.
January 4, 2013
I guess he had to come up with something, considering he met a girl and he wasn't into not seeing each other until the wedding day. What do you call dating when it's dressed up in a tuxedo? You got it - courting. Bleh.
July 3, 2019
Twenty years later and I'm still trying to recover from the 1990s purity culture bullsh*t that was taken as gospel truth by the evangelical church at the time.
January 17, 2021
Just like Josh Harris, I regret this book.
September 26, 2017
Reviewing a book is a daunting task when you look back on the journey and feel like it was so full! What I'm about to say is not at all comprehensive. Nevertheless -
4/5 stars for Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. According to the Goodreads star system, that means "I really liked it." It's a self-help book about courtship that - in its own words - is to "celebrate God's way in romance." Lest that description give you the idea that it's nothing but pages of praise for courtship, I would add that it contains theology points as well as suggestions for practical approaches to romance within courtship.
I thought that Boy Meets Girl was compelling enough. I mean, I tend to be drawn in far more readily by fiction than non-fiction. But as far as its kind goes, it was quite good. Author Joshua Harris is a skilled storyteller and knows how to sprinkle them effectively between doses of doctrine. I found myself looking forward to the sweet, inspiring, and diverse testimonies of couples who chose to court. The theological parts were no burden to read, either. They were easy to understand and well-presented.
In the way of spiritual value, Boy Meets Girl seemed to me... it seemed... argh! I'm finding it very hard to compose a straightforward answer. On the one hand, it doesn't leave the clear afterglow of contentment in Christ that other Christian theology/self-help books have left me with. But there were definitely times where it stopped me in my tracks and caused me to consider something in a new light. Chapter ten was great in that regard, and perhaps the most memorable chapter for me. But to jump back to the first hand, I felt like there were some times that the importance of marriage competed with the importance of the gospel. However, I did like this book and I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt - 2/2 for spiritual value.
I want to note; in one negative review I read, the reader was upset about the author's stance on courtship and romance, saying that it's not reasonable or doable for everyone and that the book is a list of rules. On the first point, I would agree; the same approach to romance is not reasonable or doable for everyone. However, I don't count this against the book because the author himself acknowledges this from the very beginning and encourages us to view the situation as we would an art class with one teacher and one assignment, yet in which each student is given different tools to complete the assignment. In the same way, Mr. Harris said that he was not saying we should follow the same guidelines that he did during his courtship, but that we need to develop our own convictions and guidelines from Scripture. I really appreciated that note of his.
In summary, I found Boy Meets Girl to be considerably compelling and to offer good value to my spiritual well-being. I would recommend it to readers who are both older (late teens +) and more mature (regardless of whether or not they're currently courting) and who are interested in biblically exploring pre-marital romance.
--A NOTE ON CONTENT--
Violence: I recall no violence.
Romance: Given that the whole book is about romance, readers who are especially sensitive to such content should wary and sensible. Most of the approach to romance is from an objective point-of-view, but chapter nine did get steamy for me as it talked about lust and sex with honest detail.
Magic: There is no magic.
Language: I recall no harsh language.
4/5 stars for Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. According to the Goodreads star system, that means "I really liked it." It's a self-help book about courtship that - in its own words - is to "celebrate God's way in romance." Lest that description give you the idea that it's nothing but pages of praise for courtship, I would add that it contains theology points as well as suggestions for practical approaches to romance within courtship.
I thought that Boy Meets Girl was compelling enough. I mean, I tend to be drawn in far more readily by fiction than non-fiction. But as far as its kind goes, it was quite good. Author Joshua Harris is a skilled storyteller and knows how to sprinkle them effectively between doses of doctrine. I found myself looking forward to the sweet, inspiring, and diverse testimonies of couples who chose to court. The theological parts were no burden to read, either. They were easy to understand and well-presented.
In the way of spiritual value, Boy Meets Girl seemed to me... it seemed... argh! I'm finding it very hard to compose a straightforward answer. On the one hand, it doesn't leave the clear afterglow of contentment in Christ that other Christian theology/self-help books have left me with. But there were definitely times where it stopped me in my tracks and caused me to consider something in a new light. Chapter ten was great in that regard, and perhaps the most memorable chapter for me. But to jump back to the first hand, I felt like there were some times that the importance of marriage competed with the importance of the gospel. However, I did like this book and I'm going to give it the benefit of the doubt - 2/2 for spiritual value.
I want to note; in one negative review I read, the reader was upset about the author's stance on courtship and romance, saying that it's not reasonable or doable for everyone and that the book is a list of rules. On the first point, I would agree; the same approach to romance is not reasonable or doable for everyone. However, I don't count this against the book because the author himself acknowledges this from the very beginning and encourages us to view the situation as we would an art class with one teacher and one assignment, yet in which each student is given different tools to complete the assignment. In the same way, Mr. Harris said that he was not saying we should follow the same guidelines that he did during his courtship, but that we need to develop our own convictions and guidelines from Scripture. I really appreciated that note of his.
In summary, I found Boy Meets Girl to be considerably compelling and to offer good value to my spiritual well-being. I would recommend it to readers who are both older (late teens +) and more mature (regardless of whether or not they're currently courting) and who are interested in biblically exploring pre-marital romance.
--A NOTE ON CONTENT--
Violence: I recall no violence.
Romance: Given that the whole book is about romance, readers who are especially sensitive to such content should wary and sensible. Most of the approach to romance is from an objective point-of-view, but chapter nine did get steamy for me as it talked about lust and sex with honest detail.
Magic: There is no magic.
Language: I recall no harsh language.
August 14, 2019
It's been a few years since I read this book. When I read it initially I remember thinking it was BRILLIANT and that I needed to keep it so I could work through it again when I started dating. So it's sat untouched on my shelf through two decluttering sprees, where I look at it and think, "I should re-read that and see if I still want it.". But DID I re-read it then? No. No, it took the author's renouncement of his Christian faith & announcement of his divorce to motivate my gossipy little heart to re-read this. As I did, I was obviously looking at it with different eyes.
Here's my "score card" that I kept quite vigilantly at first and then quite sporadically as I kept reading:
-1 Constant references to "your soul's match" in the preface. While he didn't bring it up again, it smacks of the myth of soul mates. Not a fan.
+1 "I had come to believe that the lifestyle of short-term relationships was a detour from serving God as a single" -page 26. PREACH IT.
-1 Total, terrible misuse of "it's.".
+1 Super careful about not setting rules, but encouraging people to use discernment and rely on their community.
-1 The discussion about when to say "I love you", & pursuing was a bit confusing.
+2 The two quotes I posted as status updates. SO GOOD.
-1 Assuming that not saying or doing certain things will keep someone else from falling in love with you. Honey, I could call in love with a rock given the proper backstory.
-1 "When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know you notice." -page 116. This is touted as a non-flirty way to build up your sisters in Christ . DO NOT DO THIS! UNLESS YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDPA, I will be offended and also assume you are awkwardly hitting on me.
+1 "During courtship, guarding each other's purity and refraining from sexual intimacy are the acts of lovemaking." - Page 152 I LOVE this.
As you can see, the positives and negatives are basically equal, but none of the negatives are all that concerning, and the positives are quite good. I kept hoping that I would find something that would clearly point out a flaw in his thinking that led to where he is now. I did not. It is not here.
As I read, I just kept thinking about how no one wants their marriage to fail. About how most couples start with so much promise. About how you can be so careful to start things off right, but it's about more than starting correctly, it's about faithfulness. It's about choosing to grow together instead of apart, and continuing to choose each other as you change and become different people than you were when you made your wedding vows. It's about realizing that the enemy is out to destroy believers and their marriages and continually praying and fighting against that.
Starting strong is important, but it's just that - a start. And despite the sad narrative of the author's life right now (which, I should point out, might not be the final chapter in his faith journey), this book is still a helpful tool for that. However, if you're looking for some excellent books on marriage and preparing for it, I recommend reading "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan or "Not Yet Married" by Marshall Segal, since they touch less on the problems with dating culture & focus more deeply on what it means to have God at the center of your life & relationships.
Here's my "score card" that I kept quite vigilantly at first and then quite sporadically as I kept reading:
-1 Constant references to "your soul's match" in the preface. While he didn't bring it up again, it smacks of the myth of soul mates. Not a fan.
+1 "I had come to believe that the lifestyle of short-term relationships was a detour from serving God as a single" -page 26. PREACH IT.
-1 Total, terrible misuse of "it's.".
+1 Super careful about not setting rules, but encouraging people to use discernment and rely on their community.
-1 The discussion about when to say "I love you", & pursuing was a bit confusing.
+2 The two quotes I posted as status updates. SO GOOD.
-1 Assuming that not saying or doing certain things will keep someone else from falling in love with you. Honey, I could call in love with a rock given the proper backstory.
-1 "When a girl is pursuing a demanding career, but is still being feminine, let her know you notice." -page 116. This is touted as a non-flirty way to build up your sisters in Christ . DO NOT DO THIS! UNLESS YOU ARE OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY GRANDPA, I will be offended and also assume you are awkwardly hitting on me.
+1 "During courtship, guarding each other's purity and refraining from sexual intimacy are the acts of lovemaking." - Page 152 I LOVE this.
As you can see, the positives and negatives are basically equal, but none of the negatives are all that concerning, and the positives are quite good. I kept hoping that I would find something that would clearly point out a flaw in his thinking that led to where he is now. I did not. It is not here.
As I read, I just kept thinking about how no one wants their marriage to fail. About how most couples start with so much promise. About how you can be so careful to start things off right, but it's about more than starting correctly, it's about faithfulness. It's about choosing to grow together instead of apart, and continuing to choose each other as you change and become different people than you were when you made your wedding vows. It's about realizing that the enemy is out to destroy believers and their marriages and continually praying and fighting against that.
Starting strong is important, but it's just that - a start. And despite the sad narrative of the author's life right now (which, I should point out, might not be the final chapter in his faith journey), this book is still a helpful tool for that. However, if you're looking for some excellent books on marriage and preparing for it, I recommend reading "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan or "Not Yet Married" by Marshall Segal, since they touch less on the problems with dating culture & focus more deeply on what it means to have God at the center of your life & relationships.
September 19, 2021
While popular culture's take on dating needs a good Christian criteria and a strong alternative, This book's model is insufficiently nuanced and fails to understand that more is accomplished in dating than finding a partner. I found parts of this book unrealistic, with a number of romantic stories of successful courtship which are almost fairytale in nature. I feel like the author fails to recognize that most true fairy-tales are often filled with heart break, struggles, and pain. I agree with the authors assessment that we need to be more purposeful in dating relationships, but believe this book is provide just one model, where there are a number which honor God. I would suggest that his focus on courtship, dating as a way to discover if this relationship will grow into a marriage can lead to a selfish orientation and removes opportunities someone could have to grow and learn. Besides discovering if the person you are dating will become the person you marry, dating provides a context to learn to love people better which prepares you to be a good marriage partner and lets you get to know someone (which is inherently good). I have seen many examples of people who benefited from dating, even when they were not yet at a point where they were prepared to get married. There is some very good content in the section on "the season of courtship", though I think the authors understanding of gender based roles is inadequate, having been influenced too much by 1950s popular culture. A quick read of Proverbs 31 would suggest a much more active and engaged role for women. I found this book very uneven. The appendix has some good suggestions for dates that help you learn about each other's lives. Some parts I thought deserved 1-2 stars, others 4 maybe 5 stars. I would recommend as an alternative Dating and Waiting by Bill Risk and Spiritual Relationships that Last (used to be Myth of Romance) by Dennis McCallum and Gary Delashmutt. Originally I rated this book 2 stars but dropped it to 1 star as I learned how the application of this book hurt people.
September 11, 2023
A lot of the advice he gives is pretty generic and does not really hold true only for courtship. I also wanted the stories to be more engaging - I didn't have the time to identify with any of them and they were rather quick and unemotionally told. His view on lust, modesty and sin - I don't agree with it at all. It is very well possible to be close to a person of the other sex (a date, a courtship partner or whatever) without turning into a savage beast as soon as you see her legs. And I don't think that all men will be so pumped with lust all the time so they can't be around a woman... and if they are, that's not normal. The chapter on the cross and sin (chapter ten) felt very legalistic and also his "disclaimer" at the end about forgiveness couldn't destroy that impression. I don't know what to think of his view on "male leadership"... and he obviously didn't get the difference between a peck on the cheek and passionate, french kisses when he states that a kiss will very soon lead to more.
Even though there are some references to scripture, a lot of his points, even some of his main points, don't seem to be rooted there. The Christian aspect isn't that important for me, but since he claims this to be a guide for Christian relationships, there should have been more.
His style of writing is okay, but also very repetitive at times and not really engaging. I would have liked a study guide at the end to discuss what I've read and to bring in my own thoughts, but unfortunately, there isn't one. The 8 date ideas in the back - they're okay, but they don't make up for the rest of the book.
There is some good advice in it - like: don't rush it, take your time to know a person, don't get intimate too soon, but you can find that in almost any other book on relationships, without all the weird stuff in this one.
Even though there are some references to scripture, a lot of his points, even some of his main points, don't seem to be rooted there. The Christian aspect isn't that important for me, but since he claims this to be a guide for Christian relationships, there should have been more.
His style of writing is okay, but also very repetitive at times and not really engaging. I would have liked a study guide at the end to discuss what I've read and to bring in my own thoughts, but unfortunately, there isn't one. The 8 date ideas in the back - they're okay, but they don't make up for the rest of the book.
There is some good advice in it - like: don't rush it, take your time to know a person, don't get intimate too soon, but you can find that in almost any other book on relationships, without all the weird stuff in this one.
August 25, 2009
or a while I was very curious to read this book Boy Meets Girl, which is the sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye. While I kissed Dating Goodbye gives us a radical idea of abstaining from any dating relationship, Boy Meets Girl answers the question of what to do when you have met the right person to marry: courtship. Harris gives in this book an honest look to relationship and its purpose. He gives his story on how he met his wife Shannon, courted, engaged, and married-- all to the glory of God. He also gives insights through other romantic accounts from other couples who have committed to put God first in their relationship. The book is balanced with biblical principles, practical tips, applicable wisdom, challenging truths, and heartbreaking examples which give guidelines to those who want or will court a person before getting married.
The message that Harris gives to us readers is to rethink romance in order to glorify God and not our own selves. He proposes the idea of courtship which avoids lawlessness with no boundaries and legalism with a list of do and don’ts. He proposes courtship which he defines like this: “…the term courtship…is old-fashioned, but it evokes romance and chivalry. I use it to describe not a set of rules, but that special season in a romance where a man and a woman are seriously weighing the possibility of marriage.” (p.31). Harris encourages us to have a God-centered relationship with that potential mate where the main purpose is to love God and honor Him no matter the cost involved and that is the central theme of this book.
The message that Harris gives to us readers is to rethink romance in order to glorify God and not our own selves. He proposes the idea of courtship which avoids lawlessness with no boundaries and legalism with a list of do and don’ts. He proposes courtship which he defines like this: “…the term courtship…is old-fashioned, but it evokes romance and chivalry. I use it to describe not a set of rules, but that special season in a romance where a man and a woman are seriously weighing the possibility of marriage.” (p.31). Harris encourages us to have a God-centered relationship with that potential mate where the main purpose is to love God and honor Him no matter the cost involved and that is the central theme of this book.
May 5, 2013
This was the first book I read by Joshua Harris, and I am definitely looking forward to reading more! I do kind of feel like I will be reading his books backwards, and I might recommend reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye before this book. I will certainly be reading this book again when/if I enter into a courtship relationship with a young man. I appreciated how this book not only focused on how a couple should interact as they enter this phase of their relationship, but also emphasized the importance of and practical applications for making the relationship Christ-centered. The back of this book offers ideas for "eight great dates" and courtship conversations. Mr. Harris included many examples of real-life people who walked through courtships. Not only were these stories inspiring and many of them beautifully romantic, but it was also encouraging to hear of others who went through this important season and how they succeeded or grew from the experience. As I read through this book, I recognized areas that I need to grow in. I know I'm not ready yet for this kind of relationship, but I was encouraged to be continually preparing my heart for my future husband, whomever he might be. I was also inspired to continue to value a relationship with my King, Prince, and Savior even more than earthly relationships, no matter how much I may desire that. 5 stars!
Girls, check out this beautiful list I found of "100 Things I Want to Share with Her Before She's a Bride": http://club31women.com/2013/01/one-hu...
Girls, check out this beautiful list I found of "100 Things I Want to Share with Her Before She's a Bride": http://club31women.com/2013/01/one-hu...
November 11, 2010
This book is well-written with realistic stories and real-life examples. Joshua uses scripture extensively in this book, giving the sense that this is not just stuff he thought up but that it has been revealed to him in God's word.
He also encourages readers not to take everything as set-in-stone truths and steps to follow to have the perfect courtship. He states that every couple's story is different; he is not saying that everything must be done the way he and his wife did it.
I don't agree with 100% of the concepts and ideas in here but even then, I believe this is a great resource for any Christian couple who want to evaluate their relationship, and even for singles to get insight into what courtship entails.
He also encourages readers not to take everything as set-in-stone truths and steps to follow to have the perfect courtship. He states that every couple's story is different; he is not saying that everything must be done the way he and his wife did it.
I don't agree with 100% of the concepts and ideas in here but even then, I believe this is a great resource for any Christian couple who want to evaluate their relationship, and even for singles to get insight into what courtship entails.
November 29, 2022
This book just confused me when I read it in high school due to its over-reliance on individual personal experiences and stories and over-spiritualization of those subjective experiences. Nothing practical is contained within.
November 4, 2019
This was terrible. I have a lot more thoughts on it than just "UGH BAD" but wow. This was painful to read.
May 29, 2012
I had very mixed feelings about this book, which given how I actually liked his first book very much, kind of left me disappointed. I almost find it ironic that his first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, was much more controversial and seen as more legalistic than this one. I felt that this book had a lot of the good insights of the first, but also has a lot more of what made the first book imperfect(legalism, eisegesis, and something in the tone that just doesn’t agree with me for some reason). Overall, I have mixed feelings about it, though it has enough good I guess to be an overall positive piece of literature.
I think part of what it is about this book is that whereas I Kissed Dating Goodbye was a lot of theory, a lot of examining the heart and explaining why the old way wasn’t working and why a new approach to romance is better, this one is much more practical. And by practical, I mean we are told what to do, how to do it, and told so not because it seems like a good idea, but because the Bible says too, darn it (though he often doesn’t say where it does).
NEGATIVES
Unfortunately, several times in this book, Boy Meets Girl becomes Joshua Harris’ Advice (i.e. Biblical Mandate) on Courtship (Occasionally Backed Up with a Verse or Two, Usually Misapplied). Case in point would be the section on gender roles, a chapter which really rubbed me the wrong way (even though a lot of the stuff in it was good). And keep in mind, I am not an egalitarian (in the Christian theological sense of the term). I think the bible makes clear that wives are, at least to some extent, to submit to husbands, and though not totally decided or dogmatic, I tend to think the safe way to interpret 1 Timothy 2:11-15 is to say that women should not be pastors. But so much of this is just stuff either from his head or from the heads of others. What is it that makes a woman womanly? That she is humble, passive, and makes sure to let the man lead in everything. A woman isn’t a woman because of what she is or does do, but her womanhood is defined by letting the man lead. That (underline) is the central gender role of a woman.
Really? Where does the Bible say as much? There is complementarianism, and then there is sexism. Since Eve was Adam’s “helper” in Genesis 2:18, that means she is to always be passive and led the man initiate everything. But isn’t God, who is elsewhere called our “help” using the same Hebrew word (Psalm 20:2; 33:20; Hosea 13:9) rather bold and willing to initiate? And when he talks about women letting men initiate, he doesn’t just mean when push comes to shove, submitting to one’s husband. Women shouldn’t initiate conversations (since men are supposed to be leading). Women definitely should not initiate courtship! Women should not plan what the couple does while courting. Any of this would not be letting the man be a man, and would therefore not be womanly! The whole thing is best embodied in the chapter on the importance of community, where he apologizes on behalf of men for girls who did not have good fathers (which in itself kind of bothers me). His final mea culpa: “I’m sorry that you’ve had to assume the masculine traits necessary to fight for yourself and be your own protector.” There you go. It’s not “feminine” for girls to be able to fight for and protect themselves…Those who know me know I am extremely protective of my sisters, but come on! The Bible doesn’t go nearly this far. Christian culture, not the Bible is filling in these gaps because the Bible doesn’t give nearly such detailed instructions. And yet, in attempting to be counter-cultural (he speaks of “culture” probably a dozen times in this chapter), he is simply substituting one culture for another, and calling it God’s definition. Unfortunately this manmade legalism distracts from many good things in this chapter. And to be fair, he makes it abundantly clear that woman are equal in value to men, which is important. But as far as his application, it’s not even all that wrong, it’s just very eisegetical. Some basic principles are seen in the Bible, and from there, he reads in everything else, and then says it is all God’s word. It is good for men to be leaders and initiate, but I hate legalism and eisegesis. In various parts of the book, like here, Joshua Harris lives up to the stereotype of the boy who was homeschooled by his perfect Christian family and shared a room with his little brother until he moved out (all but the “until he moved out” part we learn explicitly from this and his other book).
Also, I do admit, part of it is, just something about the way he writes bugs me. I expressed this in my review of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I still gave 4 stars), and it’s true here. This might not be universal (though other reviews have touched upon a sort of legalistic tone). However, at times even his good points get clouded in oft-abused cliché and Christianese that can be off-putting. For this reason, as I made a big point of in my review for his previous book, it is important to read what he says carefully, and to understand what he is really saying, not just how it might sound initially.
POSITIVES
And yet, much is to be lauded. For starters, as legalistic this book is at times, it is far less legalistic than it could have been. He makes sure to distance himself from those who believe that even using the term “dating” is sinful and worldly, and you must use the “term” courtship. The important thing, he says, is your attitude, not what you say. What makes dating as we know it bad is not the name or the formula, but the heart behind it and the results, as he explains in his previous book. Also, he takes note that not everyone has Christian parents (something overlooked by many who speak of courtship and these things), and so circumstances do call for some variation from the normal formula of “courtship.”
His chapter on dealing with past sexual sin is really good overall. I do take issue with him talking about how one who saved himself or herself has to “forgive” their partner who gave away their virginity before they even met (since that is a sin against God, not against a person who they weren’t even dating yet). Nevertheless, he does not even entertain the notion that any person is in a position to end a relationship solely because they find out their partner had sinned sexually in the past. After all, we are all sinners, none of whom are pure before God outside of our lives in Christ (and all of whom are pure inside of our lives with Christ). It is my view that if a person would end a relationship with another because they found out the other was no longer a virgin, assuming the other has repented of their past sin, then that person (the virgin) is the one not worthy of the other. He doesn’t phrase it nearly that strongly, but the theology behind what he says is right, and that is what counts. And lastly, in this chapter he moves on to the significance of the cross, and gives a simple but powerful reminder of the greatness of God’s mercy in the cross.
Although he does it quite grudgingly, he scales back his view on kissing from the last book somewhat, admitting that it isn’t necessarily sin to kiss before marriage.
And lastly, I still like his general idea of only entering into a romantic relationship when you are ready to consider marriage, and with the purpose of seeing if the person you are enamored with would be someone you would want to marry. And the thing is, you can follow this overall plan without doing everything he says 100%. You can still date with a purpose (or “court”), remain sexually pure, and not be quite so obsessive about not being emotionally close and vulnerable, lest you, gulp!, experience heartache if it doesn’t work out!
CONCLUSION
If you’ve read the read the first book, this one doesn’t necessarily add all that much to it. It is basically the practical applications of how to do it (mainly, how Joshua Harris did it), and that’s where it does largely fall short. Still, it has some good points, so if you are willing to spit out the bones and swallow the metaphorical fish, you can still get some good out of it.
If you haven’t read the first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, you should. It’s better (I think), and you’ll probably what he is talking about half the time if you skip right to the sequel.
I think part of what it is about this book is that whereas I Kissed Dating Goodbye was a lot of theory, a lot of examining the heart and explaining why the old way wasn’t working and why a new approach to romance is better, this one is much more practical. And by practical, I mean we are told what to do, how to do it, and told so not because it seems like a good idea, but because the Bible says too, darn it (though he often doesn’t say where it does).
NEGATIVES
Unfortunately, several times in this book, Boy Meets Girl becomes Joshua Harris’ Advice (i.e. Biblical Mandate) on Courtship (Occasionally Backed Up with a Verse or Two, Usually Misapplied). Case in point would be the section on gender roles, a chapter which really rubbed me the wrong way (even though a lot of the stuff in it was good). And keep in mind, I am not an egalitarian (in the Christian theological sense of the term). I think the bible makes clear that wives are, at least to some extent, to submit to husbands, and though not totally decided or dogmatic, I tend to think the safe way to interpret 1 Timothy 2:11-15 is to say that women should not be pastors. But so much of this is just stuff either from his head or from the heads of others. What is it that makes a woman womanly? That she is humble, passive, and makes sure to let the man lead in everything. A woman isn’t a woman because of what she is or does do, but her womanhood is defined by letting the man lead. That (underline) is the central gender role of a woman.
Really? Where does the Bible say as much? There is complementarianism, and then there is sexism. Since Eve was Adam’s “helper” in Genesis 2:18, that means she is to always be passive and led the man initiate everything. But isn’t God, who is elsewhere called our “help” using the same Hebrew word (Psalm 20:2; 33:20; Hosea 13:9) rather bold and willing to initiate? And when he talks about women letting men initiate, he doesn’t just mean when push comes to shove, submitting to one’s husband. Women shouldn’t initiate conversations (since men are supposed to be leading). Women definitely should not initiate courtship! Women should not plan what the couple does while courting. Any of this would not be letting the man be a man, and would therefore not be womanly! The whole thing is best embodied in the chapter on the importance of community, where he apologizes on behalf of men for girls who did not have good fathers (which in itself kind of bothers me). His final mea culpa: “I’m sorry that you’ve had to assume the masculine traits necessary to fight for yourself and be your own protector.” There you go. It’s not “feminine” for girls to be able to fight for and protect themselves…Those who know me know I am extremely protective of my sisters, but come on! The Bible doesn’t go nearly this far. Christian culture, not the Bible is filling in these gaps because the Bible doesn’t give nearly such detailed instructions. And yet, in attempting to be counter-cultural (he speaks of “culture” probably a dozen times in this chapter), he is simply substituting one culture for another, and calling it God’s definition. Unfortunately this manmade legalism distracts from many good things in this chapter. And to be fair, he makes it abundantly clear that woman are equal in value to men, which is important. But as far as his application, it’s not even all that wrong, it’s just very eisegetical. Some basic principles are seen in the Bible, and from there, he reads in everything else, and then says it is all God’s word. It is good for men to be leaders and initiate, but I hate legalism and eisegesis. In various parts of the book, like here, Joshua Harris lives up to the stereotype of the boy who was homeschooled by his perfect Christian family and shared a room with his little brother until he moved out (all but the “until he moved out” part we learn explicitly from this and his other book).
Also, I do admit, part of it is, just something about the way he writes bugs me. I expressed this in my review of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (which I still gave 4 stars), and it’s true here. This might not be universal (though other reviews have touched upon a sort of legalistic tone). However, at times even his good points get clouded in oft-abused cliché and Christianese that can be off-putting. For this reason, as I made a big point of in my review for his previous book, it is important to read what he says carefully, and to understand what he is really saying, not just how it might sound initially.
POSITIVES
And yet, much is to be lauded. For starters, as legalistic this book is at times, it is far less legalistic than it could have been. He makes sure to distance himself from those who believe that even using the term “dating” is sinful and worldly, and you must use the “term” courtship. The important thing, he says, is your attitude, not what you say. What makes dating as we know it bad is not the name or the formula, but the heart behind it and the results, as he explains in his previous book. Also, he takes note that not everyone has Christian parents (something overlooked by many who speak of courtship and these things), and so circumstances do call for some variation from the normal formula of “courtship.”
His chapter on dealing with past sexual sin is really good overall. I do take issue with him talking about how one who saved himself or herself has to “forgive” their partner who gave away their virginity before they even met (since that is a sin against God, not against a person who they weren’t even dating yet). Nevertheless, he does not even entertain the notion that any person is in a position to end a relationship solely because they find out their partner had sinned sexually in the past. After all, we are all sinners, none of whom are pure before God outside of our lives in Christ (and all of whom are pure inside of our lives with Christ). It is my view that if a person would end a relationship with another because they found out the other was no longer a virgin, assuming the other has repented of their past sin, then that person (the virgin) is the one not worthy of the other. He doesn’t phrase it nearly that strongly, but the theology behind what he says is right, and that is what counts. And lastly, in this chapter he moves on to the significance of the cross, and gives a simple but powerful reminder of the greatness of God’s mercy in the cross.
Although he does it quite grudgingly, he scales back his view on kissing from the last book somewhat, admitting that it isn’t necessarily sin to kiss before marriage.
And lastly, I still like his general idea of only entering into a romantic relationship when you are ready to consider marriage, and with the purpose of seeing if the person you are enamored with would be someone you would want to marry. And the thing is, you can follow this overall plan without doing everything he says 100%. You can still date with a purpose (or “court”), remain sexually pure, and not be quite so obsessive about not being emotionally close and vulnerable, lest you, gulp!, experience heartache if it doesn’t work out!
CONCLUSION
If you’ve read the read the first book, this one doesn’t necessarily add all that much to it. It is basically the practical applications of how to do it (mainly, how Joshua Harris did it), and that’s where it does largely fall short. Still, it has some good points, so if you are willing to spit out the bones and swallow the metaphorical fish, you can still get some good out of it.
If you haven’t read the first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, you should. It’s better (I think), and you’ll probably what he is talking about half the time if you skip right to the sequel.
December 31, 2022
A fantasticly depressing book unless you are 23, know nothing about good relationships, or are ready for marriage. If you fit none of those categories it makes you very sad and reserved.
But the book was well written, full of beautiful examples and great at what it's for! I actually learned a few things and im grateful for reading it!
But the book was well written, full of beautiful examples and great at what it's for! I actually learned a few things and im grateful for reading it!
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