Don't Be Nice, Be Real: Balancing Passion for Self with Compassion for Others

by Kelly Bryson

Don't Be Nice, Be Real is a lively, light approach to a deadly serious subject--our lives. It combines humor, radical wisdom, and new culture spirituality to teach the mechanics and spirit of Nonviolent Compassionate Communication to cure "Niceitis," a hereditary disease. The author has shown that nonviolent communication works wonders, in even the roughest of situations. He's used it with street gangs in San Diego, combined groups of Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland, Palestinians and Israelis in the Middle East, and among the Croats, Serbs, and Muslims of the Balkans during the Bosnian war. PTA meetings, business conflicts, and marital custody battles can all be utterly transformed by these techniques. This book takes us from behind the wall of culturally conditioned niceness, providing us with the tools we need for self-responsible, nonjudgmental, clear, and conscious honesty.

Genres: Psychology, Communication, Self Help, Leadership, Nonfiction, Personal Growth, Personal Development

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2002

Reviews

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little rough, but a good alternative to Marshall's sanitized prose. It's nice to have a different perspective on NVC, from someone who seems more like a real human struggling with it. I love you Marshall but are you an alien?

Uh, which is to say it met my needs for authenticity, inspiration, and support by providing lots of examples from his own life in full messy detail.

Contains what are likely useful insights on the Mars/Venus issues between men and women. Which don't exactly apply to us homos, but what can you do.

[kübra terzi · Rating 2 out of 5]

“Kendimizi şefkatli bir şekilde motive etmek için ‘zorundayım’ demeyi bırakmalı ve güvenmeyi öğrenmeliyiz”

Benim için oldukça yorucu bir o kadar da sıkıcı bir okuma süreci oldu.
Birbirinin aynı ve manipülasyon dolu cümleleri okumak çok bayağı geldi.

Ancak birkaç cümlenin istikrarlı gerçekliğine de vurgulamadan geçemem.

“Kendimle şefkatli bir ilişki kurmayı birinci önceliğim yapmayı, dışımdaki hedefleri gerçekleştirmeyi ikinci sıraya atmayı seçtim.”

[Antti Virolainen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This feels like the most important book for me lately.

Already from the title I could kind of guess that this may contain stuff that I need as I'm way too often guided by avoiding causing disappointment in others. The first part of the book does a good job in increasing the motivation and understanding of why that is not a good approach to life.

Then the book goes on giving lot of guidance and understanding on how to approach situations with Non-Violent Communication and not swallow one's own needs and feelings, but express them in a co-operative manner. It points out that needs are never contradicting, suggested solutions might sometimes be.

I would have been happy with the book even without the two last chapters, but they surprised me positively by taking things to the level of our society and pointing out many issues (that are related to the culture of "niceness" on one hand and oppression on the other hand.)

One of the few 5 star revies in my Goodreads so far, alongside the Daring Greatly by Brené Brown which speaks about somewhat similar themes, but from a bit different angle. At least for me this book was a great continuation and complementing Brenés ideas.

[Marshall · Rating 2 out of 5]

A book about Nonviolent Communication (NVC), based on the premise that we should stop trying to be so courteous and learn to be more honest about what is true for us. It provides a lot of interesting and amusing perspectives on NVC. This book is fun to read. The author has a way with words. However, there are a lot of typos, which made it feel unprofessional and unpolished. This is exacerbated by the author's tendency to talk a lot about himself and his insecurities.

Toward the end, he devotes a huge chapter to his political and religious rantings about how we live in a "Patriarchal Dominator" culture, trotting out tired feminist propaganda, much of which is not based in fact but in ideology. The irony is that this chapter is surrounded by chapters that urge us to stop labeling and attacking, verbally or physically, and instead connect with our common humanity, lest we become that which we hate. I've always felt like NVC could be a powerful way to transcend ideology, so it was particularly disappointing to see this rant in a book about NVC.

[Sharon E. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am borrowing this book from my nonviolent communication class--wow, is it good!! It talks about the ways we make ourselves victims by not being honest and real about who we are, what we want, and so on. I would recommend this book to a handful of people I know but I think I'd better work on myself first!!!!

[Taciana Nilo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Como não consegui terminar o livro (parei na metade), me questionei se estaria legitimada a avaliar a obra. Concluí que posso avaliar até onde li, então passo a fazê-lo. Desde o início, o autor n sabe exatamente o foco que pretende dar: o enfoque é no sujeito leitor que pretende ser mais autêntico e menos "bonzinho"? Ou o enfoque é a comunicação não violenta? Por mais que os dois temas estejam relacionados, já que a comunicação não violenta pressupõe não violentar aos demais, mas principalmente, não violentar a si próprio (com auto-anulações ou omissões de sentimentos/ necessidades), o escritor parece meio "sem norte".
A leitura começa interessante, apesar de desde o início ter percebido umas partes pouco coesas, com uns trechos meio "soltos". Na metade, a leitura travou, e passei a ler superficialmente alguns trechos seguintes para avaliar se valeria q pena prosseguir, e conclui que não. A temática é riquíssima, apreendi algumas dicas importantes, mas as técnicas de CNV poderiam ser repassadas de forma mais objetiva e compreensível. Deixou a desejar!

[Hannah Scanlon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a careful, thoughtful, sustained reflection on the theory of Non-Violent communication first developed by the American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. I recommend this to any person recovering from a harmful patriarchal family, church, or community structure in which power was used to domineer and control its members. Bryson gives us a glimpse into the possibilities for a community rift from poisonous connections to jealousy, fear and domination that characterize so much of the contemporary Western hermeneutic. It was a much needed read.

[Michelle Rosado · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a great nvc book. I’ve had to read this book twice, at two different phases of my life. Book is written in a way that can be seen as extreme and in the wrong hands, it can be detrimental. However, I highly suggest this book and recommend that people reflect and analyze for sometime, before considering any form of application.

[Betül Bozkurt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Favori “Şiddetsiz İletişim” kitabım diyemem ama inanılmaz keyifle okuduğum bölümleri olduğunu da kabul etmeliyim. Özellikle “Telaşsız Bir Ayrıkotu Olmak” bölümü aklımı başımdan aldı🤍 Şefkatle tavsiye olsun.

[Ana]

Der Anfang bis zu ungefähr der Mitte ist richtig gut! Danach wurde es sehr zäh und hippiemäßig und ich habe nicht zu Ende gelesen, aber der Anfang war wirklich hammer!

[Cine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sehr guter Einblick in die GFK. Am Ende wird es etwas zu spirituell/religiös für meinen Geschmack

[Eric Schreiber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've been interested in NVC for some time, having read a few books before this one. I really enjoyed Kelly's stories and fresh perspective on how to live your life. I read this over a series of months, making slow progress reading before bed, putting it down when life got busy as well as for fiction on vacations. And yet I continued to turn back to the book and continue reading it, which in my mind is worth a lot - in other situations I've simply never gotten back to it. NVC has always seemed more theoretical than practical to me, with a big gap in actually putting it into practice. Kelly does a great job of talking about real cases where he's used it himself and coached it with others, and his overall life experiences add a lot of color to the book. There are a substantial number of ordered lists, songs interspersed throughout, and playful made-up words to emphasize the points. I think those would be great in a seminar and in person, but in the book I think they were distracting.

[Leela · Rating 2 out of 5]

This wasn't as good as I'd hoped--I heard Bryson interviewed and really liked his ideas but there's a certain amount of crankiness that comes through in his writing that made it hard for me to mine for wisdom, much less enjoy the read. I don't recommend it, unfortunately.

[Meike · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bryson bietet zwar viele gute Beobachtungen und Lösungsvorschläge. Gerade gegen Ende des Buches gleitet er jedoch sehr ins spiritistische und religiöse ab, was das Buch sehr anstrengend zu lesen macht

[Rocklynn]

An NVC book. The writing is a bit rough, and riddled with puns, but it's helpful reading on the path to learning to be a more authentic person moment to moment.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

We can all have what we need by communicating honestly with others.

[John · Rating 2 out of 5]

Got bored halfway through. Just read the title and you're set. Real includes: me first, empathy and honesty.

[Jacqui · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not my favorite NVC book. I'd recommend other NVC books instead.

[Carol Mckinley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book about clear communication and investigative questioning for clear communication. Important tool for getting to your own truth and working with other's.

[Evie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Chapters 1-10 really annoyed me - didn't like; it's supposed to get better in chapter 11 - it didn't, still annoyed me - didn't finish