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Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality
Addressing difficult topics from a biblical foundation to help single adults establish practical models for maintaining purity and creating a healthy sexuality, this book provides a 3-D discussion of body, soul, and spirit that proves sexuality is ultimately more about relational intimacy than just the physical act of sex.
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First published May 1, 2006
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Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews
February 17, 2025
A book for school! Some great pieces of wisdom but also very cheesy.
January 24, 2016
I saw Rosenau guest lecture in a class once and I thought he was a humorous and knowledgeable man in the area of sex therapy. It was disappointing to find this book mostly cheesy and pretentious. Mainly, as an adult single, I felt talked down to. Rosenau actually has a section at the end of "conversation starters." Does Rosenau think that single adults compose largely of socially inept people in need of basic people skills? The book also largely contradicted itself. Despite the conclusion and a few small concessions, Rosenau painted a few of "marriage superiority." He largely disregards 1 Corinthians 7 pushing it to the end, never really giving it much depth. If you are going to write a book on sex and singleness, I would think you would give that passage more than a few lines in the conclusion. Rosenau gives us a view of marriage as the wondrous event at the end of the bridge where you can have true sex and fully engage in your sexuality. I think Rosenau should stay where he is good at, helping married people in their celebration of sex and leave investigations of biblical singleness alone.
November 27, 2013
Having been a child of the "kissing dating goodbye" generation, I found this book healing. Though it does not provide all the answers (namely because they do not exist - at least the kind of "fix-everything-in-my-life-especially-my-loneliness-and-pain" answers), it does offer healthy direction I think. Unlike many Christian books on singleness and sexuality, this is one I can recommend in good conscience.
Some of the biggest take always: the expanded definition of "sexuality" which allows people to healthily combat the "church's damaging message: be asexual until marriage". Also their treatment of masturbation and their illustration of the stages of dating are very helpful. Their view on boundaries is very helpful too especially as it corresponds to their stages of dating illustration..
I could see how some people could struggle with some of their word-usages. You could misinterpret them if you don't allow the words they use to mean the way they are using them rather than the common way we think about those words and their connotations (eg "erotic").
The only other thing I would criticize would be that I felt a little perturbed at points in some of the generalizations they make in the gender specific chapters. I think you have to be careful as for what you are going to say is inherently male or female in relationships and essence otherwise it can just induce (usually subtly) shame. Eg "I'm not how a woman/man is *supposed* to be". To their credit, they did admit the futility of making those kids of generalizations, but they still went on and made them. I would have liked to see a more biblically rigorous gender treatment - which would probably mean saying less rather than saying more (I.e if cultural and personal opinion is taken out).
Overall, I am glad I read this book an it has change my outlook and, in turn, actions and life for the better. I feel like I am more able and equipped to traverse and navigate single (unmarried) sexuality.
Some of the biggest take always: the expanded definition of "sexuality" which allows people to healthily combat the "church's damaging message: be asexual until marriage". Also their treatment of masturbation and their illustration of the stages of dating are very helpful. Their view on boundaries is very helpful too especially as it corresponds to their stages of dating illustration..
I could see how some people could struggle with some of their word-usages. You could misinterpret them if you don't allow the words they use to mean the way they are using them rather than the common way we think about those words and their connotations (eg "erotic").
The only other thing I would criticize would be that I felt a little perturbed at points in some of the generalizations they make in the gender specific chapters. I think you have to be careful as for what you are going to say is inherently male or female in relationships and essence otherwise it can just induce (usually subtly) shame. Eg "I'm not how a woman/man is *supposed* to be". To their credit, they did admit the futility of making those kids of generalizations, but they still went on and made them. I would have liked to see a more biblically rigorous gender treatment - which would probably mean saying less rather than saying more (I.e if cultural and personal opinion is taken out).
Overall, I am glad I read this book an it has change my outlook and, in turn, actions and life for the better. I feel like I am more able and equipped to traverse and navigate single (unmarried) sexuality.
April 5, 2019
This book is super cheesy with clunky terms in an attempt to put into language the full experience of “sexuality,” but it has a lot of good truth in it. Doug addresses the fact that sexual repression is not the answer to a healthy, godly life. The book attempts to give some sort of moral framework in which to operate, which is much needed today. It’s not for everyone. There are no straightforward answers in this book, but they address the “why” questions to help people make wise decisions.
As someone who has asked all the questions and personally learned from a lot of the errors and mistakes they talk about, I have to say they’re on the right track to helping people build healthy intimacy and have a health understanding and experience of their sexuality- whether they’re single, dating, engaged or newly married.
I’d recommend it to any Christian who wants to know how to make wise decisions with their sexuality, especially if you’ve come from a silent or silent and shaming home, or have a difficult time seeing sex and your sexuality as a gift and something beautiful.
Some people may be turned off by how they talk about gender. They use some stereotypical imagery (but acknowledge it’s a spectrum of masculinity and femininity, so that’s good) for masculine and feminine traits. Again, cheesy. But they at least list them out and describe how they work in relationships. This book is a weird in between the super conservative language I grew up with but without the sexual shame, and almost postmodern(...?) but not quite...
As someone who has asked all the questions and personally learned from a lot of the errors and mistakes they talk about, I have to say they’re on the right track to helping people build healthy intimacy and have a health understanding and experience of their sexuality- whether they’re single, dating, engaged or newly married.
I’d recommend it to any Christian who wants to know how to make wise decisions with their sexuality, especially if you’ve come from a silent or silent and shaming home, or have a difficult time seeing sex and your sexuality as a gift and something beautiful.
Some people may be turned off by how they talk about gender. They use some stereotypical imagery (but acknowledge it’s a spectrum of masculinity and femininity, so that’s good) for masculine and feminine traits. Again, cheesy. But they at least list them out and describe how they work in relationships. This book is a weird in between the super conservative language I grew up with but without the sexual shame, and almost postmodern(...?) but not quite...
March 9, 2019
Overall a good book with a good message even if it was a bit cheesy at times.
This actually turned out to be a pretty good book on singleness. I’m not sure if I would recommend it to everyone, but the topic should surely be discussed and understood by all (single or not). People (including those in the Church) must stop communicating the message that if you are not in a relationship, you cannot be complete while understanding the aches that come from not being in a committed relationship. Those who are single should understand the benefits to not being in a committed relationship and be wary of looking for another individual to “solve” their problems (of loneliness, poor self-control, etc.). Overall, good book.
This actually turned out to be a pretty good book on singleness. I’m not sure if I would recommend it to everyone, but the topic should surely be discussed and understood by all (single or not). People (including those in the Church) must stop communicating the message that if you are not in a relationship, you cannot be complete while understanding the aches that come from not being in a committed relationship. Those who are single should understand the benefits to not being in a committed relationship and be wary of looking for another individual to “solve” their problems (of loneliness, poor self-control, etc.). Overall, good book.
March 2, 2024
Some great truths in this book. Some practical wisdom for thinking over dating especially in regard to acknowledging sexual drives while not filling the conversation with shame for anyone who has gone too far.
Some quotes
Here’s the truth on never being lonely: ultimately, we’re all lonely and alone.
Women give sex for love and men give love for sex
We can choose either to feed our arousal or discipline it with healthy fantasy and relational interaction.
Your sexual ache was purposefully designed by God to motivate you (body, soul, and spirit) toward an intimate connection with God, an intimate connection with other members of the body of Christ, and eventually an intimate connection with a future spouse.
Regardless of whether you remain single, or someday, Mary, healthy, connecting with both genders, is critical to create a community, and scratching the loneliness itch
Every person has legitimate need to be hugged, held, comforted, affirmed as sexy and special, and deeply valued. These are not erotic needs.
True sex doesn’t create intimacy. It only enhances intimacy that’s already present when enjoyed within its proper context, the commitment of a covenant marriage.
Some quotes
Here’s the truth on never being lonely: ultimately, we’re all lonely and alone.
Women give sex for love and men give love for sex
We can choose either to feed our arousal or discipline it with healthy fantasy and relational interaction.
Your sexual ache was purposefully designed by God to motivate you (body, soul, and spirit) toward an intimate connection with God, an intimate connection with other members of the body of Christ, and eventually an intimate connection with a future spouse.
Regardless of whether you remain single, or someday, Mary, healthy, connecting with both genders, is critical to create a community, and scratching the loneliness itch
Every person has legitimate need to be hugged, held, comforted, affirmed as sexy and special, and deeply valued. These are not erotic needs.
True sex doesn’t create intimacy. It only enhances intimacy that’s already present when enjoyed within its proper context, the commitment of a covenant marriage.
November 16, 2018
This book provides a new perspective on sexuality from a Christian perspective. While there are plenty of books that offer a similar premise, this book chooses to focus on one group that is often overlooked in the church, single adults. As a single adult myself, I was beyond thrilled to find a book addressing the very things I have struggled with. It goes beyond preaching avoiding sexual immorality and provides clarity and a foundational purpose by re-framing what is ultimately a holy desire for intimacy. The book provides much-needed guidance on many murky areas of relationships, especially for those that transition from connecting friendship to coupling to covenanting. It addresses the very present struggles that single adults face in a mature, thoughtful, and direct way.
If you are a Christian single, I cannot recommend this book highly enough.
I wish more churches would address the very things that this book covers.
If you are a Christian single, I cannot recommend this book highly enough.
I wish more churches would address the very things that this book covers.
June 15, 2019
A great book for Christians seeking to understand what it means to be a sexual being who is also single and seeking to live a life committed to God in relation to other men and women. Rosenau and Wilson reject the "just don't do it" approach to single sexuality in favor of an approach that considers the meaning and goodness of being sexual creatures and how to cultivate intimacy with others while honoring the biblical prohibition against sexual immorality. Two great models are offered in this book: the Relationship Continuum Bridge showing the different phases of relationships from friendship to marriage and the Balanced Intimacy Wheel, which encourages the development of intimacy on multiple levels (mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and physical) in order to foster sexual wholeness (single or marital) and balanced intimacy.
August 21, 2023
This book was definitely written in the early 2000’s. While there were definitely some helpful ideas, a lot of the language was pretty cringey to me. I also felt it was less a book about defining single sexuality and more of preparing for marriage as a single person. Not a bad topic but different then what I was expecting.
September 7, 2021
The title may be a little off putting for those who are turned off by the word virgin, but this is a good book about Gods design for sexuality.
March 29, 2015
I feel out of place in church--a single friend at seminary shared with me about a year back [1]. Married couples, especially older people, are uncomfortable having me around because I am 20-something and not married. It’s like I have some kind of disease. If that were not bad enough, he continued, I am not sure how to relate with the single women that I meet.
I remember experiencing those same feelings when I was single. So when my friend recommended Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson’s book: Soul Virgins, I was curious and looked up a copy.
Not surprisingly, the book starts by defining terms. For example, a soul virgin is: one who continuously seeks to value, celebrate, and protect God’s design for sexuality—body, soul, and spirit—in oneself and others (7). Clearly, the book assumes that you want to live within the will of God in singleness and that marriage is a goal. Furthermore, the authors seek to: help Christian single adults sort through and find better answers about their sexuality—to not just repress or tolerate their sexuality but to redefine and celebrate it (15). In other words, because God created us as sexual beings, our sexuality has a purpose that extends beyond physically obvious reasons.
Soul Virgins is thorough book with lots of details about how to deal with sticky situations and topics that one probably has not discussed with one’s parents. The book divides into 3 parts:
Intimacy with God (6 chapters),
Intimacy with God’s people (5 chapters), and
Intimacy with God’s possible soul mate (4 chapters).
These 3 parts are further divided into 15 chapters. Before these parts are definitions, acknowledgments, and an introduction. After these parts are an appendix, notes, and brief statements of where to go for more information.
The word-pictures provided are worth the ticket of admission.
For example, the authors picture balanced intimacy and sexual wholeness as a wheel with 5 spokes representing the 5 aspects of our intimacy:
Spiritual intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Mental intimacy
Social intimacy and
Physical intimacy (188).
Healthy relationships have boundaries on each aspect of intimacy that, if offended, result in future problems. For example, I can remember in high school sharing my dreams about having a family someday with a friend on a date—this would be an example of mental intimacy (190-191). What would have happened if stead of sharing our dreams we had escalated right into physical intimacy and eventually married but disagreed on the question of having a family? Clearly, the authors’ thoroughness in going through 5 spokes is very helpful in facilitating productive dialog.
The authors describe another helpful picture as the relationship continuum bridge. This bridge breaks relationships into three stages:
connecting (friendship and early considering),
coupling (late considering, confirming, and committing), and
covenanting (marriage).
These stages can be pictured as a suspension bridge with two spans (8, 32). The authors reserve true sex (anything involving body parts hidden by a bikini) for marriage. Intimacy during the other two stages (connecting and coupling) necessarily involves establishing and respecting boundaries for the 5 spokes of intimacy. For example, the authors cite a case of a client who wanted to bring his girl-friend to a counseling session after they went out for only 3 weeks—an event too intimate for their relationship at this point (social intimacy spoke). This invitation was compared to inviting his friend to meet his parents after going out only three weeks (191).
The authors know their subject matter. Doug Rosenau (www.SexualWholenss.com) is a licensed psychologist and Christian sex therapist. Michael Todd Wilson (www.MichaelToddWilson.com) is a licensed professional counselor and life coach who had never married at the time this book was written. Both hail from Suwanee, GA. The primary authors are assisted with particular chapters by Vickie George (marriage and sex counselor) and three never-married singles: Erica Tan, Anna Maya, and David Hall.
Soul Virgins is a helpful book. I wish that this book had been available when I was single and when I led high school/college groups in graduate school. Rosenau and Wilson not only discuss the touchy subjects that young people want to know about, they review the Biblical basis for their views. Soul Virgins focuses on providing guidance on relationships. Singles, parents, and leaders can all benefit from this book. I know that I did.
___________________________
[1] I am paraphrasing his comments.
I remember experiencing those same feelings when I was single. So when my friend recommended Doug Rosenau and Michael Todd Wilson’s book: Soul Virgins, I was curious and looked up a copy.
Not surprisingly, the book starts by defining terms. For example, a soul virgin is: one who continuously seeks to value, celebrate, and protect God’s design for sexuality—body, soul, and spirit—in oneself and others (7). Clearly, the book assumes that you want to live within the will of God in singleness and that marriage is a goal. Furthermore, the authors seek to: help Christian single adults sort through and find better answers about their sexuality—to not just repress or tolerate their sexuality but to redefine and celebrate it (15). In other words, because God created us as sexual beings, our sexuality has a purpose that extends beyond physically obvious reasons.
Soul Virgins is thorough book with lots of details about how to deal with sticky situations and topics that one probably has not discussed with one’s parents. The book divides into 3 parts:
Intimacy with God (6 chapters),
Intimacy with God’s people (5 chapters), and
Intimacy with God’s possible soul mate (4 chapters).
These 3 parts are further divided into 15 chapters. Before these parts are definitions, acknowledgments, and an introduction. After these parts are an appendix, notes, and brief statements of where to go for more information.
The word-pictures provided are worth the ticket of admission.
For example, the authors picture balanced intimacy and sexual wholeness as a wheel with 5 spokes representing the 5 aspects of our intimacy:
Spiritual intimacy
Emotional intimacy
Mental intimacy
Social intimacy and
Physical intimacy (188).
Healthy relationships have boundaries on each aspect of intimacy that, if offended, result in future problems. For example, I can remember in high school sharing my dreams about having a family someday with a friend on a date—this would be an example of mental intimacy (190-191). What would have happened if stead of sharing our dreams we had escalated right into physical intimacy and eventually married but disagreed on the question of having a family? Clearly, the authors’ thoroughness in going through 5 spokes is very helpful in facilitating productive dialog.
The authors describe another helpful picture as the relationship continuum bridge. This bridge breaks relationships into three stages:
connecting (friendship and early considering),
coupling (late considering, confirming, and committing), and
covenanting (marriage).
These stages can be pictured as a suspension bridge with two spans (8, 32). The authors reserve true sex (anything involving body parts hidden by a bikini) for marriage. Intimacy during the other two stages (connecting and coupling) necessarily involves establishing and respecting boundaries for the 5 spokes of intimacy. For example, the authors cite a case of a client who wanted to bring his girl-friend to a counseling session after they went out for only 3 weeks—an event too intimate for their relationship at this point (social intimacy spoke). This invitation was compared to inviting his friend to meet his parents after going out only three weeks (191).
The authors know their subject matter. Doug Rosenau (www.SexualWholenss.com) is a licensed psychologist and Christian sex therapist. Michael Todd Wilson (www.MichaelToddWilson.com) is a licensed professional counselor and life coach who had never married at the time this book was written. Both hail from Suwanee, GA. The primary authors are assisted with particular chapters by Vickie George (marriage and sex counselor) and three never-married singles: Erica Tan, Anna Maya, and David Hall.
Soul Virgins is a helpful book. I wish that this book had been available when I was single and when I led high school/college groups in graduate school. Rosenau and Wilson not only discuss the touchy subjects that young people want to know about, they review the Biblical basis for their views. Soul Virgins focuses on providing guidance on relationships. Singles, parents, and leaders can all benefit from this book. I know that I did.
___________________________
[1] I am paraphrasing his comments.
February 23, 2008
Some parts of this book were good, others... not so much. I think my main complaint about this book is that the authors change the meaning of words to fit their purpose. The way they define "erotic" is not the same way I would define erotic; I don't know how they define "flirting," but it must be different, based on some of the things they said; and so on.
The other complaint I had is too much theory, not enough application. Theory is all well and good, and I do understand the need to change one's heart rather than just one's actions, but seriously. And then when they do tell you some practical stuff, either a)none of it applies to me (hi- not dating), or b)it is really, really dumb. ("Exercise more"-- No way, I've *never* heard that one.)
But there were a few good points among the dross. There was a section that I need to reread about confessing, and a couple of good quotes that I wrote down.
The other complaint I had is too much theory, not enough application. Theory is all well and good, and I do understand the need to change one's heart rather than just one's actions, but seriously. And then when they do tell you some practical stuff, either a)none of it applies to me (hi- not dating), or b)it is really, really dumb. ("Exercise more"-- No way, I've *never* heard that one.)
But there were a few good points among the dross. There was a section that I need to reread about confessing, and a couple of good quotes that I wrote down.
January 8, 2013
I really enjoyed this book. It is helpful on a practical level and eye-opening (I'm sure) for both genders. Rosenau and Wilson provide biblical answers where those exist and wise advice where they do not. I particularly like that the authors don't simply give readers a list of "do's and don'ts"; instead, they urge readers to look in God's Word, pray, and seek God's best for themselves. The authors place the responsibility back on readers and therefore do not expect them to merely follow a set of man-made guidelines.
October 8, 2019
I read this book at a time in my life when I was trying to be part of a church, and had also just gone through a breakup due to domestic violence, so I was trying to find a way to be happy as a single mom since it seemed unlikely I would find a partner easily in the future. This book just made me more sad about my depressing situation, but luckily it did add one more stepping stone towards me realizing that the church and religion in general just isn't for me.
June 1, 2014
Much of this book was preaching to the choir. However, the tone and comprehensive view are what I most appreciate. The authors present a full picture of sexuality in every facet of our lives and provide a framework for thinking through the implications for yourself. A very healthy book that I highly recommend!
February 8, 2017
Required reading turned into a life changing reading experience
This was a required text in my human sexuality class. I was skeptical at first due to the title of the book and my thoughts on the subject. Single sexuality sounded like an oxymoron from a biblical perspective. I have learned so much from this book and look forward to reading more from Dr. Rosenau.
This was a required text in my human sexuality class. I was skeptical at first due to the title of the book and my thoughts on the subject. Single sexuality sounded like an oxymoron from a biblical perspective. I have learned so much from this book and look forward to reading more from Dr. Rosenau.
January 16, 2009
I picked this up when a friend started reading it for the IMB. It is a book that really explores the freedom Christians have to express their sexuality without falling into either hedonism or dangerous sexual repression.
July 31, 2008
Great book for singles as a way to explore what their sexuality means, how it fits into who they are and the way they relate to others.
December 27, 2008
This book offers so much of teachings about sexuality. we are living in a time of the world throws at us which is false. Suggests for everyone to read it.
June 12, 2013
I think other books I've read on these topics have been more helpful than this one.
December 27, 2015
Interesting book, easy to read. Fascinating concept delving into the topic of one's sexuality in singleness, and Gods ultimate design for it. Would definitely recommend.
July 7, 2016
A thought provoking read that is sensitive to the subject matter and honest in its intent. A must-read for those who are interested in recovering their sexuality.
July 23, 2016
Love this book and everything it discusses. Very open and honest book.
Displaying 1 - 23 of 23 reviews