His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

by Willard F. Harley Jr.

In the classic bestseller His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.

This revised and expanded edition has been updated throughout and includes new writing that highlights the special significance of intimate emotional needs in marriage.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Christian, Psychology, Family

240 pages, Hardcover

First published June 1, 1986

About the author

Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.

Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.

In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.

One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.

By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.

Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.

Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.

Reviews

[Justin Tapp · Rating 1 out of 5]

My wife and I listened to this book together on a long car ride, where we could pause and discuss when prompted. This is the worst book on marriage that I have read, there are a host of others I would recommend above it. While Harley claims to write from a Christian worldview, the Gospel and the meaning of marriage is completely absent from this book. That, alone, makes it ineffectual and makes me sad that it's held up by so many Christians. If you have an incorrect view of what marriage represents, then you will also diagnose and treat conflict within the marriage incorrectly. In this book, humans are nothing more than products of biology responding to various stimuli and cognitive biases. Therefore, this is a 2-star book at best. My understanding is much of the material of the book comes from the 1970s, even though the first printing was 1995 and this was an updated 2001 version.
Over this book I would recommend Arterburn's Seven Minute Marriage Solution, Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect, and many more.

Harley breaks down the basic needs of husbands and wives into five each, focusing more on the male aspects. He is a psychologist and I felt he was coming at everything from an old-school Freudian approach-- everything on the male side comes down to sexual fulfillment. He makes the false claim that 50% of spouses are sexually unfaithful. The reader is treated to the sordid details of stories of extramarital affairs, perhaps made up whole cloth by Harley.

Men's needs:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship- the wife should take an interest in doing things the husband likes-- watching football, for example. If she tries it and really doesn't like it, she should find something else they can do together. Couples should spend "15 hours a week" of "undivided attention" on each other, doing the same things.
3. An attractive spouse- there is very little in this book about acceptance and celebration of differences. The wife should change her weight, clothes, and hair to suit her husband. If he doesn't find her "irresistible" he will likely have a passionate affair from which he'll never completely recover.
4. Domestic support- The wife should not pursue a career, and if she does work household chores should be divided according to the needs of the husband. Harley had a good point here about making a list of everything that needed to be done in the house and having each partner put priorities on the item. Whoever ranks something with the highest priority gets to be responsible for that chore.
5. Admiration - This mostly came at the end of the book, which is a shame because respect really is ultimate to a husband and is the driver (not sex) behind many of the affairs Harley describes.

Women's needs:
1. Affection - Men should learn to be more affectionate. (Eggerichs would just focus on #5 above and #1 here).
2. Conversation - women have affairs with men who will actively listen to them.
3. Honesty and openness - Husbands should have no problem turning their schedules over to their wives, especially if they've been unfaithful.
4. Financial support - Men should be the breadwinners.
5. Family commitment - Fathers should be dads, otherwise women will have affairs with other men who will raise their children better-- including relatives of the biological father. Harley writes that there should be 15 hours together with the children (is that added to the 15 hours of undivided attention for the spouse as well, or do parents get out of that?).

I think my wife was most offended by the section where Harley tells women readers to do their hair nicely, consume fewer calories, exercise more, and consult magazine articles for tips on beauty, or else their husband will cheat on them. Most books on marriage deal with the importance of the man fulfilling his wife's needs during daylight hours ("women are ovens, men are microwaves") by being a supportive husband, this did not put as much impetus on the man. It's up to the woman to respond to her husband's wants, no matter what.

There is no grace in this book, no acceptance of your spouse as a spiritual creature with a history and a brain, no dealing with expectations or letting go of them and preconceived notions of marital bliss, and no growing together to be like Christ. Your wife is a biological partner you can have fun with, nothing more. While he strongly cautions against divorce, he is pretty flippant in saying sometimes these things just don't work out.

Read this book if you're not a Christian but want a step-by-step how-to guide to fix your marriage as though it were a piece of IKEA furniture.

[Christiandude · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although the author purports to be Christian, I have a hard time taking that seriously given the content of the book.

To be fair, I believe the needs tests for spouses included in the book are of value.

Harley takes a very shallow, worldly approach to marriage. In my opinion, he does not show any evidence of writing from a Christian perspective. He seems to almost condone adultery, if the innocent spouse wasn't meeting the "needs" of the guilty party. Similarly, he appears to place blame which should be for the guilty spouse on the shoulders of the innocent party.

Regarding my observation of the shallow view held by the author, he condones men being demanding on their wives regarding their physical appearances. Similarly, he condones women demanding their husbands be astute providers of wealth.

Harley seems to lack a basic Biblical understanding of marriage as a covenant between the spouses and God.

I did give this book a fair shake, initially giving the author the benefit of the doubt, however, my suspicions were confirmed when I viewed one of his websites, wherein he unjustly chastened a person who was the innocent party in a divorce due to adultery. While we are in the New Covenant, the Old sometimes sheds light on understanding. Neither the Old nor New place any blame on an innocent party in adultery. In the Old if you were guilty, you had your arse stoned, there was no namby pamby exemption for not having your selfish needs met.

In conclusion, this book goes beyond bad and is just plain dangerous. The Bible itself is more a wealth of information on a good marriage.

I would not recommend this book except as paper to start the grill!

[April Lyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought people might have been exaggerating when they claimed this was the best marriage book they'd ever read, but this book was really something. The author's insights are fantastic - for married, divorced, and single people alike. I thought of about five people I'd like to lend it to. I think everyone could benefit from reading it. The appendices were also very helpful.

If you plan on reading this book, start now! I put it off for a couple years because I have SO many books on my shelf, but it was really, really helpful. You can definitely start implementing the books suggestions/activities immediately.

And concerning all the negative reviews on the book, here is my opinion: Adultery is a very inflammatory subject and most (if not all) people cannot talk about it without becoming emotional (and sometimes, irrational). The book neither "condones" adultery, nor "blames innocent parties" - it merely explains what each person in a relationship can PROACTIVELY do to have the best chance at keeping a marriage that is fulfilling to both parties. Neither person should "have to" do anything, but the idea is - if you hope to stay happily married - you will be willing and even excited about acting/looking/talking/etc in a way that is pleasing to your spouse.

[Jana Allen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I liked the overall point this book made. Everyone has emotional needs, and we should try to meet the needs of our spouse.

The problem I have with this book is that I felt the author justifies (especially men) going and having an affair because their needs were not being met. He makes no exceptions for sicknesses, going back to school, or just hard times. I felt he was especially hard on women saying they need to look just like their husbands want (hair style, perfect makeup, ideal weight, clothing styles) and that they need to be available WHENEVER their husband is feeling intimate. He also says that spouses should not pursue any recreational activities without each other. Spouses need to spend AT LEAST 15 hours a week together with no interruptions from kids or phones. I tried to keep in mind that this author sees a lot of extreme situations and marriages that were on the rocks.

I really wanted to like this book, and I did like it in theory, but it was too extreme for me and the author kept making me so mad!

[imane · Rating 5 out of 5]

في المثلث الخالد مثلت الزوج الزوجة العشيقة. ام الاولاد لا تغادر ابدا العشيقة هي من تزاح ويتم التخلص منها لانها القطعة الزائدة في المعادلة. في الخيانة تجمع الام اولادها وتغادر فورا لكي يحس الرجل انه مقابل غريزته سيخسر اسرته سيخسر اطفاله سيخسر دفئ العائلة وحينها سيكون لديه الاختيار بين الاسرة الاطفال والغريزة والغريزة لدى الرجل الذي يمتلك ضميرا لا تربح ابدا مقابل الاولاد. ليس هناك رجل يختار العشيقة ويشرد اطفاله ويعيش مرتاح الضمير اذا كان لديه اخلاق
https://youtu.be/Ok6gBpHU9r4

كل النساء يحببن مستر دارسي وكل الرجال يحبون مارلين مونرو اقتصاد الرومانسية يتم ترويجه على ظهور النساء واقتصاد الاباحية على ظهور الرجال. هذان الكائنان في فترة الصيد يبذل كل منهما مجهودا الرجل يلعب دور الرومانسي والمراة تلعب دور مارلين لكن لفترة مؤقتة لانه من الصعب على الانسان ان يمثل طيلة حياته. بعد الزواج يعود الرجل الى طبيعته كائن من المغول وتعود المراة الى طبيعتها مهملة. هنا لا نطالب اي من الطرفين بالتمثيل لكن نطالبه بان يعطي لي ياخذ اذا ارادت المراة حاجياتها العاطفية والمادية يجب ان تلبي له حاجياته الجنسية وحاجته الى الاعجاب والتقدير والرجل اذا اراد حاجياته الجنسية يجب ان يلبي حاجتها الى الحب والمال. والا ستحصل الخيانة ويظهر المثلث الخالد العشيقة وحتى المراة قد تتخذ زميلا يلبي حاجياتها الى الاستماع والاهتمام وقد يتطور الامر من خيانة عاطفية الى خيانة جنسية. على المراة ان تهتم بشكلها وتغيره باستمرار هذا ليس تفاهة او سطحية وعلى الرجل ان يستمع ويهتم ويمنح الحب هذه ليست تفاهة او سطحية




الرجال عندما يفشلون في توفير الموارد للمراة ولاطفالها يتهمون النساء انهن ماديات. وهذا نفس تصرف القرود تجاه اناثها
النساء دينيا وعلميا يخترن رجال قادرين على توفير الموارد على النفقة جماله وعضلاته لن تنفعها لا هي ولا اطفالها
الطويلات الرشيقات هن الجميلات ولسن القصيرات او السمينات او النحيفات. الرجل يختار ببصره ويختار على حسب قدرة المراة على الانجاب وقدرتها على الانجاب تظهر في شعرها وفي حروف وجهها وفي نسبة خصر منخفض بالنسبة للارداف وصفاء بشرتها
دينيا من حق الرجل اختيار الجميلة التي تسر نظره لكي يعف نفسه لذا من حقه النظر الى المخطوبة قبل الزواج
https://youtu.be/PiXwwZp_FPc
الزوج الذي لا يقاوم هو الزوج الذي يمنح زوجته الحب يخبرها انه يحبها يقدم لها الزهور والهدايا ويعانقها. يقدم لها المحادثة يخصص لها وقتا للاستماع اليها ويتيح لها ان تتحدث بقدر ما تريد ويحترم تلك المحادثة ولا يعتبرها مجرد كلام تافه. يكون امينا وصريحا يخبرها بكل شيء عن نفسه ماضيه وحاضره ومستقبله لا يتركها تاخذ انطباعات كاذبة. يقدم الدعم المادي يتحمل المسؤولية مسؤولية البيت والاطفال والزوجة ولا يعتمد على راتب زوجته في المصروفات الاساسية. ويقدم الالتزام العائلي يلتزم بتوفير الوقت والطاقة لتربية الاطفال ويشترك مع اطفاله في انشطتهم ويعتني بهم
الزوجة التي لا تقاوم اولا ��لاشباع الجنسي تلبي الزوجة احتياجات زوجها وتتعلم لكي تستمتع هي ويستمتع زوجها. ثانيا تشارك زوجها اهتماماته بالانشطة الترويحية التي يحبها او تجد انشطة مشتركة بينهما. ثالثا الجمال تحافظ على جمالها وترتدي ثياب جميلة وتضع الزينة وتصفف شعرها وتحافظ على لياقتها الجسدية. رابعا تهيئ له جو البيت وتتدبر مسؤوليات المنزل بطريقة تشجعه على قضاء المزيد من الوقت فيه. خامسا الاعجاب تقدره وتفهمه اكثر من اي شخص اخر وتذكره بانجازاته وقيمه وتساعده على الحفاظ على ثقته بنفسه وتتجنب انتقاده وتكون فخورة به
اذا لم يلبي الرجل احتياجات زوجته من الحب لا يحلم ان تتم تلبية احتياجاته من الاعجاب لان المراة غير قادرة على ان تعطي شيئا واي تمثيل او تزييف للاعجاب هو مضر اكثر مما هو مفيد لانه مجرد كذب. الرجل هو من يخرج من زوجته الرجل الموجود بداخلها او الانثى الموجودة بداخلها
اذا كان المراة كالزهرة تتفتح بالحب فان الرجل يزدهر بالاعجاب وراء كل رجل عظيم امراة معجبة به
ان قلة الثقة بالنفس ناتجة عن الانتقادات التي قد يتعرض لها الانسان في طفولته. هذا يجعله يحمل اراء متدنية عن نفسه وينتظر تلك الاراء من الاخرين ومن زوجته. امدحوا اطفالكم
المدح يزيد من الثقة بالنفس الانتقاد يحطم الشخص ابتعد عن كل الاشخاص الذي ينتقدونك وارفض انتقاداتهم واقترب من الناس الذين يمدحونك ويشجعونك. ان الانتقاد والشكوى لديه اثر خطير على صحة الانسان
ان شعور الاعجاب للرجل افضل من شعور قبض شيك الراتب فالاعجاب يعتبر مكافاة للمجهودات التي يبذلها من اجل اسرته. كما ان بعض الرجال لديهم صورة هشة عن انفسهم وبدون هذا الاعجاب يصبحون حساسين تجاه نقاط ضعفهم. الاعجاب يزيد من طاقتهم ويحفزهم في حين ان الانتقاد يجعلهم دفاعيين ويخلقون المشاكل. لا تنتقدي رجل ابدا مهما حصل لان الانا تبعه لا تقبل ذلك
احتياجات المراة والرجل متعارضين للاسف اهم احتياجات الرجل هي في اسفل قائمة احتياجات المراة. واهم احتياجات المراة هي اسفل قائمة احتياجات الرجل. لذا الامر لن ينجح اذا لم يبذل كلا الطرفين مجهودا
النساء تتزوج الرجال من اجل المال والاهتمام والحب والامان هذه ليست نكتة ولا اشاعة. والرجال يتزوجون النساء من اجل الجمال وهذه ليست تفاهة او سطحية. هذه فقط حاجيات الرجل والمراة. لذا ليس من حق المراة ان تشتكي وتقول لماذا الرجال يختارون الجميلات ولا من حق الرجال الفقراء ان يشتكوا ويقولوا لماذا النساء تختار الرجال الاغنياء. ومن تشتكي ليس من حقها المطالبة لا بحب ولا بمال ولا باهتمام ومن يشتكي ليس من حقه المطالبة بالجمال. ان الزواج عقد تبادل حاجيات. اعط وخذ خذ واعط
المراة اليوم ليس لديها عذر ان لا تكون جميلة مستحضرات التجميل متوفرة مراكز الرياضة متواجدة كل شيء متوفر لها للعناية بنفسها كما ان اهتمامها بجمالها لديه اثر جد ايجابي على نفسيتها ويزيد من ثقتها بنفسها بامكانك ان تتبني شعارات النسويات اقص شعري كما اريد لكن من حق الرجل ايضا ان لا يعطيك لا حب لا اهتمام لا مال لا احد يطالبك بان تقصي شعرك بطريقة تجعلك كئيبة لكن ذوق زوجك جد مهم وتاكدي ان ذوقه ليس سيء هو ايضا عندما ستطلبين منه تحسين وضعه المادي لن يقول لك المال تفاهات وامر سطحي وغير مهم. ان الجاذبية هو ان تعطي قيمة لما لديك وليس كما يعتقد البعض بان الجمال تولد به. والنظافة الشخصية امر مهم للرجل والمراة معا لن اتكلم عن النظافة الشخصية للنساء لانهن غالبا يعتنين بهذا الجانب. لكن النظافة الشخصية جد مهمة للرجل ايضا في مرة جاءت عندي زوجة تشتكي من اهمال زوجها في امور النظافة لا ينظف اسنانه لا يمشط شعره لا يغير ملابسه مع انه غني عندما فكرت بالزواج به ظنت انه سيتغير بعد الزواج لكن هذا لم يحصل وهذا خلق مشكلة كبيرة لانها بدات تنفر منه وهو بدا يشتكي منها. طلبت منه ان يبدا بغسل اسنانه وبالاستحمام يوميا وتغيير ملابسه وهذا كان لديه اثر جيد على علاقتهما وحل مشكل النفور
كل الرجال لديهم حاجة الى ان تكون زوجاتهم جميلات. هذا ليس امرا سطحيا ولا تافها هذه حاجة كما ان المراة بحاجة الى رجل يقدم لها الحب والاهتمام والدعم المادي. الرجال لا يقدرون المراة من اجل سماتها الداخلية فقط لكن من اجل سماتها الخارجية ايضا
الرجل يتزوج المراة من اجل جمالها والمراة تتزوج الرجل من اجل ماله. هذه ليست سطحية من الرجل ولا نكتة تقال عن النساء. الرجل بحاجة الى زوجة جميلة تهتم بنفسها وبشكلها باستمرار والمراة بحاجة الى رجل يدعمها ماديا ويوفر لها حياة جيدة. ان انعدام الجمال او اهمال المراة لنفسها او انعدام المال او دخل قليل يسبب
التعاسة للطرفين ولا يسمح لهما بتلبية حاجياتهما
المراة بحاجة الى الحب الاهتمام الدعم المادي اب جيد لاطفالها يتكلف بتربيتهم وتعليمهم
شعرت دوروثي بالحيرة والجاذبية تجاه غموض فرانك كان شخصا كتوما لكنها فسرت ذلك برغبته في الاحتفاظ بخصوصياته لكن الحقيقة ان فرانك كان يحتفظ بنفسه لنفسه وكان يخفي علاقاته مع اخريات كان يتعمد تضليلها بان يقص عليها مشاريع واعمال وهمية لكن مشاريعه كانت هي مقابلاته العاطفية. ظنت دوروثي ان الامر سيتغير بعد الزواج لكن فرانك بقي كتوما وانتقلت دوروثي من الاحباط الى الاكتئاب الى فقدان الثقة والامان. ان الزوجة من حقها ان تعرف ماضي وحاضر ومستقبل زوجها وفيماذا يفكر وماذا يحب وماذا يخطط ان علاقة الزواج التي تدوم هي العلاقة التي تقوم على الامان والصدق والصراحة هذا يسمح لكلا الشريكين بفهم الاخر والتكيف معه
المراة قد تحب كرة القدم طيلة فترة الخطوبة مهما طالت لكن بعد الزواج تكره كرة القدم. على الزوجين ايجاد انشطة ترويحية مشتركة الزوجان اللذان يلعبان معا يبقيان معا
المراة العادية لا تعرف حاجة الرجل الى الجنس والرجل العادي لا يعرف حاجة المراة الى الحب هذا لا يعني ان الرجل حيوان شهواني ولا يعني ايضا ان المراة تافهة هذا يعني فقط ان فطرتهما مختلفة وحاجياتها الاولية مختلفة ومتعارضة ايضا عندما نحب احدهم نقدم له ما يحتاجه ليس ما نحتاجه نحن
https://youtu.be/ozmj375CR3k
عندما تقول لك زوجتك فلنتحدث لا تقل لها فيماذا سنتحدث لان هذا يغضبها ويشعرها بالاحباط من المفترض ان تفتح معها اي حديث كيفما كان ليس مهم المهم ان تتحدث معها ماذا سيكون شعورك اذا طلبت من زوجتك الجنس وقالت لك لماذا هل نفكر في انجاب طفل
ان الزوجات اللواتي لا يلبي ازواجهن احتياجاتهن الى المحادثة والاستماع والاهتمام يقمن بتلبية احتياجاتهن خارج المنزل مع زميل العمل او صديق وهن بذلك يعتقدن ان الامر مجرد محادثة بسيطة لكنهن بذلك يفتحن باب الخيانة لان المراة عندما تتعلق باحدهم عاطفيا تنتقل الى مرحلة اخرى
على الرجال ان يخصصوا خمسة عشر ساعة اسبوعيا لمحادثة زوجاتهم والاستماع اليهن والاهتمام بهن ومشاركتهن الانشطة التي يحببنها. عندما اقول ذلك للرجال يحتجون ويعترضون بمبرر الوقت مع انه في فترة الخطوبة كان يجد كل الوقت اللازم لمحادتثها
ان حاجة الرجل للجنس كحاجته للاكل والشرب وغريزته تثار من مجرد النظر لذا على المراة ان لا تغضب اذا رات زوجها ينظر الى احداهن وهي معه لان تلك مجرد غريزة لا يتحكم فيها
الرجل قبل الزواج يمثل ويستمع الى ثرثرتها ويتحمل كثرة كلامها ويصبح رومانسيا والمراة تتحول الى دمية جميلة. بعد الزواج الرجل يعود الى طبيعته لا يحب كثرة الكلام ولا يهتم بما تقوله والمراة تتحول الى انسان طبيعي لم يولد بجفون زرقاء. وكل منهما يصدم في الاخر. كما ان المراة عندما تنجب تنقل اهتماماتها الى اطفالها لان الاطفال هم هدفها منذ البداية فيشعر الرجل انه خدع والمراة تشتكي من قلة الاهتمام ومن قلة الكلام ومن رجل الكهف الرجل المغول. اذا لم يتفهم الطرفان انهما من عالمين مختلفين وان حاجياتهما مختلفة لذا يجب ان تعطي الاخر ما يحتاجه هو ليس ما تحتاجه انت فالعلاقة ستنتهي بالفشل وسيبحث كلا الطرفين عن حاجياتهما بالخارج حتى لو كانا متدينين او على اخلاق عالية او سيضطر الطرف المتضرر للتضحية والتنازل عن حقوقه لكي تستمر العلاقة من اجل الاطفال
مشكلة الزواج هو التقاء طرفين مختلفان تماما ولديهم احتياجات مختلفة ومتعارضة ايضا مع طبيعة كل منهما. لذا الامر يحتاج الى تفهم ومحاولة فهم احتياجات الاخر عوض البقاء انانيا واعطائه ما هو ليس بحاجة اليه لكن ما تظنه انت هو بحاجة اليه
الرجل بحاجة الى ان يتعلم ان الكلمة الحلوة امر يجب ان يبقى بعد الزواج والاستماع الى ثرثرة زوجته ايضا والمراة يجب ان تتفهم ان حاجياته الجسدية لا يعني انه من المغول لكنها طبيعته
الرجل يتحمل ثرثرة المراة قبل الزواج الى ان تدخل القفص ويعود الى طبيعته يحب الصمت وهذا خداع يفوق خداع المكياج
المراة تبحث عن العلاقة العاطفية والرجل يبحث عن العلاقة الجسدية وعندما لا تلبى احتياجات احد الطرفين مهما كان متدينا او لديه اخلاق سيبحث عن احتياجاته خارج اطار الزواج لان الانسان لديه احتياجات يجب تلبيتها
في كل قلب لديك رصيد حب يكبر باسعاد الطرف الاخر وينزل باحزانه انتبه جيدا الى رصيدك
الرجل بحاجة الى زوجة وعشيقة لان كل منهما يوفر له احتياجات معينة وتصبح فكرة هجر احداهما فكرة لا تحتمل ومؤلمة وتسبب له الاحباط هو يحب الاثنتين. واذا قام باختيار احداهما يشعر انه قدم تضحيات ضخمة وينتقل من شعور الخجل والذنب الذي كان يشعر به في الخيانة الى شعور الحزن والالم لان حاجياته غير مشبعة لقد ارغموه على ترك علاقة
الزوجة الزوج والعشيقة انه المثلث الابدي للعلاقات. لكن لا يجب ان يستمر الوضع هكذا ابدا لانه غير صحي ويضر بالزواج يجب قطع العلاقة المحرمة باي طريقة والا فسخ الزواج. الحب ينطفئ بعد الزواج ويهمل الزوجان بعضهما هنا يدخل طرف ثالث لتلبية الاحتياجات التي لا يتم تلبيتها. والرجل يجد نفسه يحب الاثنتين فكل منهما توفر له احتياجات معينة. والرجل لا يستطيع قطع اي من العلاقتين اصبح مدمن. والعلاج هو نفس علاج مدمني الكحول قطع الكحول يجب ان تقوم الزوجة بقطع العلاقة بصفة نهائية وتكون لديها كل مواعيد عمل الزوج والاماكن التي يذهب اليها على مدار اربع وعشرين ساعة. هذا سيبدو تصرف طفولي لكن الزوج اخطئ ويجب ان يدفع ثمن اخطائه ويجب ان يعالج من ادمانه على العلاقة خارج اطار الزواج يجب ان يصبح متاحا لكل اتصالات زوجته ويتصل بها طيلة الوقت لطمئنتها
في اغلب حالات خيانة الرجل لزوجته يحدث التصالح لكن بعد فترة حزم يجب قطع العلاقة المحرمة. لان العلاقة خارج الزواج تشبه الادمان على الكحول يجب الابتعاد عنها وقطعها للتشافي انه سلوك ادماني كالكحول يجب التحكم فيه وفي اغراء العودة واذا لم يحصل ذلك يجب فسخ الزواج لانه لا زواج صحيح مع علاقات خارجه. كما ان العشيقة لانها تتنافس مع الزوجة فهي تمثل جيدا ورصيدها في بنك الحب جد مرتفع وهذا يصعب المسالة على الرجل لان رصيدها عال لا ينخفض. هنا ياتي دور الزوجة يجب ان تكون صارمة في الموضوع وتبتعد من اجل حماي�� مشاعرها لا يجب ان تبقى بجانبه ويجب ان تتوقف عن تلبية كل احتياجاته. هذا سيوثر وسيجعله يرى الخسائر وان ما فعله ليس في صالحه وستبدا المشاكل مع العشيقة. والعشيقة تبقى مجرد عشيقة لانها ليست ام وليس بينهما اطفال يجعلون الاسرة متماسكة. والرجل عاجلا او اجلا سيعود الى اطفاله
ان الخيانة ضربة قاصمة للزوجة يحطم الثقة يحطم الزواج ويشعل الصراع. لكن ما ان تنتهي هذه المرحلة السيئة جدا ستصبح علاقتها اقوى مما كانت قبل الخيانة اذا تم اصلاح الموضوع وقام كل منهما بفعل ما يجب عليه فعله ان الصدمة تدفع الزوجين الى تلبية احتياجات بعضهما البعض بالجبر لانه اي تقصير سيؤدي الى دمار العلاقة وضياع الاطفال
امتناع الزوج عن رؤية العشيقة سيصيبه بالاكتئاب وبانه بائس انها اعراض الانسحاب اعرض الشفاء من الادمان كما انه تحت مراقبة الزوجة التي لا تثق به انه في ورطة حقيقية. حينها يجب على الزوجة ان تل��ي الاحتياجات العاطفية لزوجها التي جعلته ضعيفا وفريسة سهلة لامراة اخرى. ستفعل ما كانت تفعله العشيقة وستعوضها ستشاركه انشطته واهتماماته
على الزوجة ان تتوقع ان زوجها بعد قطع العلاقة مع العشيقة سيصاب بالاكتئاب وسيبدا بالكذب والخداع من اجل الرجوع الى العشيقة وكل محاولات اعادة الحب بينهما لن يقضي على حبه للعشيقة بصفة نهائية. ان مدمن الكحول يبقى ضعيفا امام الكحول طيلة حياته. والزوجة ايضا ستصاب بالاحباط والياس وستسال لماذا اكمل معه لماذا لا نطلق ويرتاح الجميع. لا تستطعين فعل ذلك من اجل الاطفال ويجب ان تتقبلي فكرة ان زوجك ضعيف امام النساء كل الرجال ومع ذلك انت واطفالك تستطيعون ابقاء العلاقة وعدم تحطيمها لانكم اسرة واحدة لكن العشيقة مجرد طرف ثالث يجب التخلص منه
الرجل يحب النساء متعدد ويحب ان يكون لديه عدة زوجات. المراة ليست مثله لا تحب ان يكون لها ازواج ولا تستطيع الجمع بين رجلين. وهذه مشكلة كبيرة لان قطع العلاقة مع العشيقة جد صعب الزوج يحب زوجته ويحب العشيقة معا يحبهما معا ولا يريد ان يترك اي منهما لا يريد ان يبتعد على اي منهما ومهما حاولنا ابعاده يعود حتى لو قامت زوجته بتلبية كل احتياجاته وهذا محزن. الرجل بحاجة الى المساعدة لانه يحب الاثنتين بشكل ميئوس منه
اي زوج يطلق زوجته من اجل عشيقته يشعر بالذنب والخجل تجاه اطفاله ويبقى شعور الذنب مصاحبا له طيلة حياته. وتلك العشيقة عندما يتزوجها تظهر معها نفس المشاكل التي كانت لديه مع زوجته لا احد يمثل طيلة حياته لن تتحمله العشيقة طيلة حياته ما ان تصبح زوجة ستتحول الى انسان طبيعي
الطلاق لا يؤذي الاطفال هذه كذبة. ذلك يكون صحيح فقط اذا كان احد الوالدين مدمن كحول ويقوم بايذاء زوجته واطفاله اما الطلاق في اغلب الحالات سيء ان ابغض الحلال عند الله الطلاق يدمر نفسية الاطفال. واي شخص يقول غير ذلك هو غباء وقسوة ايضا ان يعيش طفل محروم من احد والديه
قبل الزواج كل من الحبيبين يكون لا يقاوم بعد الزواج يتحول الزوج والزوجة الى شخصين غير متوافقين بسبب عدم تلبية احتياجات بعضيهما وهنا يدخل طرف ثالث. حينها تصبح العلاقة المحرمة العشيقة لا تقاوم
عندما يخون الزوج يجب فضحه هذا سيقلل قيمته مجتمعيا وسيجعله محرجا اما العائلة والمجتمع هذا بالاضافة لانه سيفقد زوجته واطفاله. يجب ان تجعل الخسائر كبيرة باكبر قدر ممكن حب العشيقة لن يساوي ابدا كل الخسائر التي سيتكبدها. هذا بالاضافة للنفقة التي سيتكبدها نفقة الاطفال والطليقة. سمعة مشوهة واسرة مفككة واطفال ضائعون من اجل غريزة. ولنرى العشيقة حينها كم ستستمر في التمثيل وهل ستبقى كيوت مع رجل محطم وهي تحمل على كتفها ضريبة تدمير اسرة

[Andrea · Rating 2 out of 5]

I changed this from 3 stars to 2 stars after thinking about it overnight. First of all, this book is obviously written by a man! Someone who has never given birth or stayed at home full time with babies/toddlers/preschoolers.

Secondly, the book definitely uses fear and negativity throughout the chapters. I understand that probably every family that deals with a cheating spouse never thought it would happen to them, but I don't think that it is as common as the author makes it out to be, and even if it is, I don't think it's necessary to continually use guilt and scare tactics to make the reader feel insecure.

Third, the author uses modern ideas of beauty in his chapter on physical appearance. Men should appreciate a woman's natural beauty. A woman shouldn't have to put chemicals on her face, on her skin, or in her hair to keep her husband from cheating on her. It wasn't so long ago that makeup, hair dyes, and trendy hair and clothes were not beautiful to American men and women. Prostitutes were the ones wearing makeup and dying their hair. Now the typical American's idea of a beautiful woman is very thin, tan, wearing makeup, and highlighted hair. It is just a phase and women shouldn't feel forced to take place in that just to make a man happy. There is always going to be someone prettier that your husband comes into contact with to put more "love units" into his "bank." If that's what it takes for him to cheat, it won't matter what you do to make him happy with your physical appearance.

There are some positive ideas in the book. His advice about affection and mutual activities are very helpful. It is also helpful to know that men and women have different needs and that it may be uncomfortable, but trying to meet some of those needs will be helpful in your marriage.

[Hoku Ho · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book the cornerstone of my marriage. My husband and I read it early on and I really feel that it was the secret to our success and smooth sailing through the rough patches and growing pains we faced in our first few years. It helps couples put their fingers on their own needs and the needs of their spouses, and gives you a common language and understanding to draw from, which vastly improves your ability to communicate about these important issues.
The sub-text of the title of this book is "how to affair proof your marriage". It really does deliver on this...My step-dad, who is a pastor, uses this book for counseling couples on the verge of divorce or trying to get through/avoid adultery and uses it to help guide them back to a place where they can make each other happy again. I know he is not the only person who has found it useful in that way. It does have some Christian references and the author is a Christian himself, but the book is not a "Christian book", so Christians and non-Christians alike will find this book useful.
I really recommend it for any married couple or couple on the verge of marriage. It is very practical, well researched, and (with a little work and compromise) easily implementable. It's principals have guided my marriage and helped my husband and I make it to our 8th year and beyond more in love with each other than ever!

[Tim · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is terrible. Unlike many good marriage books out there that encourage you to look beyond your selfishness, this book plunges you into selfish behavior. This is NOT a Christian book, it is purely secular with no Biblical basis. If you focus on your unmet marriage needs, trust me your marriage is not going to get better.
In full disclosure, I read this book 5 years ago and thought it correct at the time. It nearly ended my marriage as I basically came to the place that my marriage could not meet my needs. I gave this book to a friend, it did end his marriage. I feel so badly about giving this book to him.

[Veronica Foley · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought there were some very good ideas on marriage in this book. That being said there were some incredibly offensive comments, sentences, and even a chapter. One chapter talked about how if you are fat, you should expect no one to be attracted to you, even your spouse. Well, I got news for you, Williard F. Harley's Jr. I am fat and very attractive. My husband met and fell in love with me and my looks while being fat.

Also, Williard mentions in this book how being fat is not healthy. Blah, blah, blah. I probably work out more and eat healthier than he ever has. I stand by my 1 star rating and by body positivity. Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.

[Katie Hoffman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Some family member gave this to us as a wedding present and I eventually got around to reading it, mostly because I like reading about interpersonal communication and relationships (ie, Gottman). At the beginning, I thought the author had some credibility and somewhat (simple) decent advice but my view changed with each chapter. In sum, the advice centers on gender stereotyping (a whole chapter on all the things women should do to be physically attractive, including tips on getting professional help with makeup and buying sexy nighties) and overly simplistic cause-and-effect examples that foster fear and self-blame (if your spouse cheats, YOU didn't meet their needs...no critique of the cheater not choosing to communicate needs or getting counseling rather than cheating). I found these issues to be glaring and finally felt like the author really valued a 1950's sitcom marriage. Although the author occasionally introduces caveats, he structures the whole book as which needs men have and which needs women have. Then he says that some men have the "her" needs he talks about and some women have the "his" needs he talks about...so why not write the book about needs, not about men needing sexy wives who are great in the sack and like watching football with them (this is what he essentially says men "need") or about women having men who buy them flowers, talk about feelings, and makes fat cash (what women apparently "need"). There was hardly any science, research, or theory behind any of his advice, just hyperbolized examples from his practice (suggesting he built his approach independent of an entire field of counseling research and theory). The book offers simplistic general advice if you don't have strong self reflection on needs or strong communication but if you are a feminist, appreciator of claims backed by objective support, or living in a more modern and equal relationship, you will find yourself frustrated with the approach the whole time you read rather than focusing on how to help your relationship.

[Charmin · Rating 5 out of 5]

HIGHLIGHTS:
1. MEN:
- Men tend to try to meet needs that THEY would value, women do the same.
- The needs of men and women are often very different.
- By wasting effort trying to meet the wrong needs, a couple fails to make each other happy.

2. THIRST:
- When a spouse lacks fulfillment of any of the basic needs, it creates a thirst that must be quenched.

3. AFFAIR:
- An affair usually begins as a friendship.
- If any of a spouse’s five basic emotional needs go unmet, that spouse becomes vulnerable to the temptation of an affair.

4. The couple that plays together stays together.

5. Men need recreation in their lives to keep going.

6. APPRECIATE:
- A woman needs to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what he “could” become if he lived up to HER standards.

7. Transparency is one of the most important qualities in a successful marriage.

8. DISRESPECT:
- Disrespect prevents couples from finding mutually agreeable solutions to their problems.
- If your spouse considers what you say to be disrespectful, it is.

9. NEGOTIATION:
- Negotiation between a husband and wife is an essential building block to the success of any marriage, but without honesty and openness, a couple can resolve or decide very little.
- To have any value, praise must genuinely reflect your feelings.

10. HAPPY COUPLES:
- Happily married couples are already aware of this principle and have learned how to make their marriage a full-time priority.
- Spouses who are partners in life check with each other throughout the day to coordinate their decisions and activities.

[Cristine Mermaid · Rating 1 out of 5]

Horrible. Full disclosure, I didn't realize it was religious based and I'm not religious but I don't think that changes my view. I think I need to stop reading any type of relationship book that puts women in one category and men in another because I had a similar reaction to the "Women are from Venus , Men are from Mars" books. I think these books stereotype and assume too much based on someone's gender. This books has amazing reviews so obviously it resonated with a lot of people (women mostly) but I must be a freakish outlier of a woman because my needs are NOT what this book stated.

Also, I was borderline disgusted by it because of things like being told to wear your hair the way your husband likes it. What about how YOU like it? YOU are a person, her own person, an individual.

The part where he said that men need their women to look a certain way body-wise almost made me throw this book across the bookstore. His scolding that it's a simple matter of calories in=calories out no matter how many women protested this wasn't true pissed me off. It ISN'T that simple. They have actual SCIENCE that explains it's a delicate process that's thrown off by so many things from genetics to hormones to aging to gut bacteria to serotonin to cortisol to individual physiology so don't you DARE shame women and tell them it's a matter of 'just' watching what you eat and exercising. Nonsense.

Overall, not helpful and quite annoying. My eyeballs kept rolling

[Katrina (Catching up on Reviews) · Rating 5 out of 5]

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley is a very good and insightful read. The book explains the different emotional needs of men and women in relationships and how meeting each other’s needs can strengthen a marriage. You have to be willing to put in the work, but it’s worth it. I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone in a relationship or marriage.

[Doaa Aboelsoud · Rating 5 out of 5]

أعتقد أن فشل مجتمعنا فى تدريب الناس على إشباع احتياجات الاخريين - وبخاصة إحتياجات الزوج أو الزوجة - هو السبب فى ارتفاع معدلات الطلاق.
فالزواج ليس مؤسسة اجتماعية بسيطة يدخلها كل إنسان لأنه " يقع فى الحب ويريد أن يعيش فى سعادة " .
فما دمنا لا نرى أن الزواج علاقة معقدة تتطلب تدريبًا وقدرات خاصة على الوفاء باحتياجات الشريك الاخر فى الزواج , فإننا سنظل نرى معدلات الطلاق المدمرة والمثبطة للهمة.

كتاب أكثر من رائع يستحق خمس نجوم وأكثر
يتحدث ببساطة عن أن لكلًا من الرجل والمرأة احتياجات لابد من اشباعها لكى تستقيم الحياة الزوجية ويستطيعون العيش فى سعادة وهناء
وتتلخص احتياجات المرأة في : الحب - المحادثة - الأمانة والصراحة - الدعم المادى - الإلتزام العائلي
وتتلخص اهم خمس احتياجات العاطفيةللرجل في : الإشباع الجنسي - الصحبة فى النشاط الترويحى - الحاجة إلى الزوجة الجذابة - الدعم الأسرى - الإعجاب
مرفق بأخر الكتاب استبيان للحاجات العاطفية يجيب عليه الزوج والزوجة للتعرف على احتياجاتهم العاطفية التى يتم اشباعها من الطرف الاخر والإحتياجات الغير مشبعة حتى يتمكنوا من اشباعها وينعموا بحياة اسرية سعيدة
للمهتمين ده رابط للكتاب

http://books.ibtesama.com/dldjpt59478...

[Brenna Saunders · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this book five stars not because it's perfect, but because it has some great solid advice that I believe has put not just my marriage but my worldview on the right trajectory. My husband and I read it before we got married, and I recommend any prospective spouses who are interested in this book to read it too.

Harley is no nonsense to the point of being clinical, and yet is down to earth and even friendly in tone. His basic premise - from YEARS of experience as a professional psychologist and marriage counselor - is this: men and women (humans) have feelings of "love" towards those people who they have positive experiences with. People marry each other because they have such positive mutual experiences and love feelings. The problem is that they take their relationships for granted and stop doing the things they did when they were dating. This means they neglect important emotional needs in their spouse such as: quality conversation, quality sex, affectionate behavior, bonding together in fun activities and so on.

Harley essentially says that romantic love is a formula. That's bad news to any die-hard romantics, but that's wonderful news to the rest of the world. It means that if we focus on understanding what our spouse's emotional needs are, work to fulfill them - and if they do the same for us - then the love feelings will return. No need to "fall in love" with a new person and have an affair which will obviously damage the marriage. Yet even spouses who cheat can learn how to 100% end their affairs and have love with their spouse again. These repaired marriages can experience the same, if not BETTER quality of love and fulfillment, to boot. (Again, this is an educated psychologist speaking from experience).

The bulk of the book expounds on what these various emotional needs are and how to identify them in you and your spouse so you can come up with a personalized plan for improving or saving your marriage.

Before I wrote this review, I read a lot of other reviews here on Good Reads for His Needs, Her Needs - including a lot of negative ones. I saw a couple patterns forming with most of the negative reviews, so I'd like to address them, in the hopes of being helpful to any neutral party who is considering this book.

Negative Argument #1: "Harley is not 'Christian' enough and does not condemn 'adultery' enough"

Harley says nothing in HNHN that contradicts or opposes Christianity. In fact, he mentions at one point that he himself is religious and conservative. What makes Harley different from a lot of other Christian authors is that he does not use Bible quotes or emphasize spirituality as a method. This is because his target audience is religious and non-religious alike. This is also because Christians are still human and make mistakes, and Harley points out that he has even counseled pastors who have had affairs. All of us still have human, emotional needs that should be recognized...spiritual faith and "long suffering" are not the only answers here. Harley makes it clear that adultery is bad, but doesn't spend time condemning it, but rather takes a scientific approach of, "Hey, why did this happen? What can we learn so we can PREVENT and END affairs?" Self-care and preserving your psyche, as the damaged spouse, is beyond the scope of this book.

Negative Argument #2: "This book is sexist"

Harley does divide emotional needs into male and female, GENERALLY speaking, but he stresses over and over that these needs do not correspond always to men and women exactly and consistently. Any man and any woman may have any combination of these needs - his list of emotional needs are a basic guide to help you and your spouse figure out what yours are.

Sneak peek: Men's needs are "Sexual fulfillment," "recreational companionship," "physical attractiveness," "domestic support," and "admiration."
Women's needs are, "Affection," "Intimate Conversation," "Honesty and Openness," "Financial Support," and "Family Support" (being a good parent).

Most of my husband's needs fall in the "Women" category, and some of my needs fall into the "Men" category. Harley says, "I'm in the business of saving INDIVIDUAL marriages, not average marriages, so you should identify the combinations of needs that are unique to your marriage." In other words, not EVERY man wants to have sex all the time or see his wife in lingerie, and not EVERY woman wants her husband to bring her flowers and a huge paycheck. No absolutes here. Just guidelines.

The part of this book that gets the most flack is the part on "physical appearances." Harley gives specific examples of how women can appear more attractive to their husbands, IF he has a need for attractiveness. This includes wearing a hairdo he's comfortable with (the reverse example could be a man not growing a beard if his wife is repelled by it), being in shape, and so on. Basically, it means: if you looked a certain way when your spouse married you, it's not fair to them to dramatically change your appearance without considering their feelings. And for the record, that ONLY applies if the husband (or wife) has such a need. Many people do not have an emotional need for physical attractiveness, and many do. I do, and I'm female. There's nothing offensive about acknowledging that sometimes that is a reality. Harley gives examples of how men may need to be hygienic and otherwise physically attractive to attract women. He uses the example of a severely overweight wife turning off her husband's sexual feelings. This isn't sexism, these are just facts of life, pleasant or not, and they do not even apply to everyone. Harley COULD have been a little more diplomatic, painstaking and disclaiming in his language, but anyone reading carefully will see that he is being fair and logical.

My own biggest criticism of HNHN is that it assumes both partners are reading and applying the concepts together. It is definitely possible for one spouse to focus on meeting the other spouse's needs, but Harley's approach involves lots of communication and survey-taking and feedback-giving. A bit lonely if you're trying and your spouse isn't.

In conclusion, His Needs, Her Needs is a GREAT stepping stone for you and your spouse/SO to understand each other and each other's emotional needs. It's a great platform for having a discussion and self discovery, even with friends. If the "Mars vs Venus" format of the emotional needs is still setting off triggers for you, I'd recommend "The 5 Love Languages," by Gary Chapman. Chapman has similar advice, but discusses the emotional needs without reference to gender. Finally, I recommend another book by Harley, "Love Busters." In a lot of ways it's better than HNHN because it targets particular bad habits and behaviors many couples have without realizing to harm their marriages. Happy readings!

[ياسمين Thabet · Rating 5 out of 5]

احتياجاته واحتياجاتها
ازاي تقري جوزك من جوة وازاي ترضي مراتك وتخليصها نايمة وهي حاسة انك احلي زوج فالدنيا
إليك الروشتة!
هذا الكتاب هو مفتاح التعامل مع الاختلاف بين الجنسين في إطار الزواج أو العلاقة العاطفية لفهم احتياجات كل منهما من الآخر بشكل عميق والتدريب علي إشباع هذه الاحتياجات للوصول إلي السعادة الحقيقية

زي ما المرأة وتحتاج الكلام في حد ذاته بالرجال فيحتاج الجنس اكتر حاجة
فكما أن الزوج يجد الجنس ممتعا في حد ذاته وليس مجرد وسيلة للالإنجاب فان الزوجة تجد المحادثة ممتعة بنفس القدر. فبالنسبة لمعظم الزوجات تجعل المحادثة المراة تشعر بمزيد من الحب الرومانسي من زوجها لانها تستطيع من خلال المحادثة ان تشارك زوجها في حياتها بعمق، والجو الذي توجده المحادثة يسهم بدرجة كبيرة في احساسها بالسعادة، والرجل الذي يخصص مايلزم من الوقت لاجراء محادثة صادقة مع زوجته سيصبح علي الطريق الصحيح لغزو قلبها"

تخيلوا معايا الحوار ده عشان نفهم اكتر اختلاف التفكير بين الرجل والمرأة وازاي بيكون الحوار مدمر وميسي بدون أي قصد من الطرفين.

"- جورج دعنا نتحدث
- ما الذي توطين الحديث عنه؟
أن هذا السؤال البريء الذي توسط فيه جورج يمكن أن سير غضب معظم النساء لأنه يبين لأي مدي لا يفهم الرجل حاجة المرأة الكلام ولكي مساعد الرجال علي فهم أهمية هذه الحاجة دعنا تعكس الامر في المحادثة التالية:
- ماري ، دعينا نمارس الحب
- لماذا يا جورج هل نحن نريد أن عن حب اطفال؟"
اول رقم في سلم أولويات الزوجة هي العاطفة والحب علي عكس الرجل تماما ف أن اول احتياج له يكون الجنس
"وعموما مثلما يريد الرجال أن تكون استجابة المرأة للاثارة الجنسية طبيعية وتلقائية فان النساء يردن ان تكون استجابة الرجال للعاطفة تلقائية وعندما نتعلم السلوك جيدا ونتدرب عليه فانه سيكتسب درجة كبيرة من التلقائية حتي اذا بدا في البداية مصطنعا وغير طبيعي. في البداية قد لا تكون جهود الرجل لكي يكون عاطفيا مقنعة للغاية لزوجته، وكنتيجة لهذا فقد لا تعطي نفس التأثير مثل الحب التلقائي ولكن مع التدريب سينجح هذا السلوك المكتسب في توصيل معني الحب والاهتمام بدقة للزوجة وهذا بدوره ويوجد البيئة المناسبة والمطلوب لمزيد من الاستجابة التلقائية للاثارة الجنسية لدي الزوجة"

“يحدث النزاع الزوجي بأحدث الطريقتين
الاولي يفشل الحرب الاول في جعل الآخر سعيدا
الثانية يجعل الطرف الاول الآخر تعيسا
في الحالة الأولي يصاب الطرف الآخر بالإحباط لان الطرف الاول لا يلبي احتياجاته وفي الحالة الثانية يتعمد الطرف الثاني إيذاء الطرف الآخر وانا اسمي الحالة الأولي فشل في الرعاية واسمي الحالة الثانية فشل في الحماية"

لذلك وجب وجود الحب كوقود عام للعلاقة
“الحب هو البيئة التي يعيش فيها الزواج بينما الجنس مجرد حدث فالحب أسلوب حياة وهو المظلة التي تغطي الزواج وتحمي انه تعبير مباشر ومقنع يعطي حدث الجنس سياقا مناسبا ومعظم النساء يحتجون الحب قبل الجنس لأنه يعني لهم الكثير ولأن الرجال يميلون دوما إلي ترجمة الحب إلي جنس بسرعة فإنني أركز علي تعليم الحب دون جنس. واحاول ان اعلم الزوج ان يجعل الحب وسيلة للارتباط بزوجته حتي عندما لا يرغب في ممارسة الجنس يجب ألا تشعر الزوجة أن الحب مفتاح لدي الرجل يشغله عندما يرغب في ممارسة الجنس ثم يطفئ حين ينتهي. فعندما بتقابل الزوج والزوجة يجب أن يعطيها حضنه وقبلة بشكل روتيني. في الواقع يجب أن يتضمن أي تفاعل بينهما كلمات وحركات الحب والمودة وانا اعتقد ان الإحساس السائد في أي زواج يجب أن يكون انا احبك واعرف انك تحبني"

نسبة التصريح يجب أن تكون بين الزوجين اعلي من أي بشر آخرين
"في الحوار التالي تسأل الزوجة هيلن زوجها هاري:
- كيف حالك الان. هل انت افضل؟
في داخله يشعر هاري بعدم الراحة ولكنه رغم ذلك يدندن قائلا :
- نعم....نعم....نعم، انا بخير.
عندها تطلب هيلن منه :- إذن دعنا نذهب إلي السينما
هنا ينفجر فيها هاري قائلا :
- إلا يمكن أن تسمحي لي ببعض الراحة ابدا؟ انا أمدح في عملي طوال اليوم ومصابي بعسر هضم وانت تريدين أن تجربتي إلي السينما!
لذلك وفي أي وقت يسألك شريك حياتك عن رأيك أ�� عن شعورك عليك أن تخبره بالحقيقة، من الغباء ان تكذب بشأن هذا حتي اذا كان هذا الكذب بدافع خوفك من جرح احاسيس شريك حياتك أو بدافع الحرص علي كبريائك فمن حق شريك حياتك أن يعرف أعمق مشاعرك يجب أن يعرفك افضل من أي إنسان آخر في العالم، افضل حتي من والديك"


في كل فصل من فصول الكتاب يكتب الكاتب استبيان واسئلة لمناقشة احتياجات كل طرف وفهمنا الكاتب أن اول خمسة من أولويات الزوج عكس تماما أهم خمسة من أولويات الزوجة
فكما تحب الزوجة العاطفة يحب الرجل الجنس
كما تحب المراة المحادثة يحب هو أن تشاركه أنشطته المفضلة مثل كرة القدم لمشاهدة مثلا أو الجري أو غيره
مثلما تحب المرأة للأمانة والصراحة والوضوح في المتطلبات يحب الرجل الشكل الخارجي والاهتمام به أكثر من أي شيء
هي تحتاج دعم مالي يعيشها عيشة كويسة نفسك متطلباتهاوهو بالمقابل محتاج بيت مريح يسكن إليه فيه سلام وهدوء وهنأ يمكن أن نسميه الدعم المالي والدعم الأسري
لو فهمنا بعض ونقدر نساعد بعض احسن ونخلي الشريك يعيش في سعادة مع الطرف الآخر

الكتاب جميل منسق بشكل متسلسل ومريح كلامه واضح وشرحه مفصل يبدأ كل فصل بحكاية تساعدك علي فهم محتويات الفصل مدي من اجمل طرق الكتابة لمثل هذا النوع من الكتب وفي آخر كل فصل أسئلة مشتركة للزوجين واسئلة لكل طرف علي حدي تساعده في فهم احتياجاته لأن في طبعا فروق فردية بين الناس وبعضها
الجزء ده عجبني في تربية الاطفال: "تعلم كيف تفسير القواعد ، يحتاج الأطفال أن يفهموا لماذا وأمرهم بفعل هذا الشيء أو ذاك يجب أن يتعلم الاب علي وجه الخصوص أن يفسر بوضوح وصبر القواعد التي يطلب من ابناءه إتباعها في بعض الأحيان يمكن أن يدور الحوار كالتالي:
- الاب ، اذهب الي غرفة نومك ورتب سريرك
- الابن، لماذا؟
- الاب لاننا نريد تربيتك علي تنظيم امورك والمحافظة علي نظافة نفسك وممتلكات
- الابن، لماذا؟
- الاب ، لأن النظافة تجعل الناس يعيشون معك يشعرون بإحساس جيد ويحبونه العيش معك
وهكذا وهو افضل من قول افعل ما اقول واستمع لكلامي"

الكتاب ده مفروض يترشح لاي اتنين مرتبطتين سواء بعلاقة عاطفية او رسمية لانه فعلا مشوق ومريح اتمني الجميع يستمتع بيه

[Keith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is largely about preventing or recovering from an affair. Lest you say that this doesn't apply to "me", he points out that a person (even a person with solid religious belief, and firm moral conviction) may be tempted into an affair, seduced by a "relationship built upon fantasy, not reality." In addition, by meeting the needs of your spouse, and by having your needs met, you will transform your marriage into something wonderful. It is also well written. Now, on to the basics of the book:


"The Man's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. An attractive spouse
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration"
(Page 12)

He writes "tend to be" because this is what he typically finds. To determine your preferences and those of your spouse, there is a questionnaire at the back, and if that isn't enough, more are available at his web site.

"The woman's five most basic needs in marriage tend to be:
1. Affection
2. Conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial Support
5. Family commitment"
(Page 13)

"The first cause of conflict, failure to care and the second , failure to protect." ... This book addresses the failure to care - the failure to meet each other's most important emotional needs. ... failure to protect is the subject of a companion book I've written, Love Busters: Overcoming the Habits that Destroy Romantic Live. (Page 9-10)


Chapters
1. How Affair Proof is Your Marriage?
2. Why Your Love Bank Never Closes
3. The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection (1)
4. The First Thing He Can't Do Without - Sexual Fulfillment (1)
5. She Needs Him to Talk to Her - Conversation (2)
6. He Needs Her to Be His Playmate - Recreational Companionship (2)
7. She Need to Trust Him Totally - Honesty and Openness (3)
8. He Needs a Good-looking Wife - An Attractive Spouse (3)
9. She Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably - Financial Support (4)
10. He Needs Peace and Quite - Domestic Support (4)
11. She Needs Him to Be a Good Father - Family Commitment (5)
12. He Needs Her to Be Proud of Him - Admiration (5)
13. How to Survive an Affair
14. From Incompatible to Irresistible
Appendix: Analysis of Emotional Needs
Questionnaires

His web site is a lot more than the typical advertisement. There is a lot of meat on this site.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index...

This page describe the love bank concept.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graph...

Wow, no point in me trying to write much of a summary. Here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graph...

Update - I briefly looked at the summary on marriagebuilders.
“ Basic Concept #8: The Policy of Radical Honesty”
The word Radical caught my attention as a red flag.
Honesty is good. Honesty is important. Radical Honesty can be hurtful because it leaves out compassion. Do not use “honesty” to hurt the other person. Yes, if you had an affair, your spouse needs to know. But going into gory details is likely to be the wrong approach. Therefore, I am changing this from 5* to 4*. (July 29, 2022)

The most meaningful concept to me from this book is:
“ Basic Concept #1: The Love Bank”

[Tracy Labonville · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book has some valid points, like making sure that spouses spend time together, but there are an overwhelming amount of things that make this book not worth the read.

First, Harley views marriage as a relationship without grace. The way he presents his arguments are very fear-based and guilt-ridden. He requires that women wear nice clothes and makeup and lose weight for their husbands, and if they cannot do this, then they should expect that he will have an extramarital affair. This same standard for men though, is basically that men should just brush their teeth and take a shower.

Harley does not account for women dealing with pregnancy, depression, chasing toddlers around all day, or any other issues. If we think through what a stay-at-home mother deals with day to day, it might behove him to look at this issue, and teach men to have grace with their wives, and not have the expectation that all of their needs will be met all the time. Also, expecting women to change themselves for their husbands is telling wives to lie about who they are in order to please their husbands constantly. This is not okay.

There are several other reviews here that provide accurate depictions of why this book is sexist and unnecessary, and I would be happy to discuss it further, but suffice it to say that this book is not the marriage advice I need.

[Lori Kellogg · Rating 1 out of 5]

Bunch of bunk. Don't waste your time. If a spouse is a cheater, they are a cheater. If they are not a cheater, it doesn't matter what the other spouse does or does not do, they won't cheat. This books tries to make people feel guilty if they have a cheating spouse, like they could have done something better/different to prevent it. Take a page from the newspaper...Arnold, Tiger, Brad Pitt, Weiner...all cheated on beautiful, talented, intelligent wives.

[Katie Mccarthy · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I read this before we married and at each anniversary we go back over how we are each doing with the needs. At least for us, this book has been a God-send.

[Steph Anya · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 for oversimplification and misogyny

[Kristin Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

brilliant book. Will be buying this one to read every christmas break. It's a great way to start a fresh year and I would do well to be reminded of the concepts in here frequently.

[Ola Hassan · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتاب عظيم!
ويحتاج لإعادة قراءة، وصدقاً أي حد مُقبل ع خطوة الزواج أو متزوج لازم يقرأه هيفرق معاه بشكل جذري.

[Giang đọc sách · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nhìn tiêu đề sách cũng biết thể loại sách này dành cho những người sắp/đang/đã lập gia đình. Chị Shark Thái Vân Linh có giới thiệu cuốn này dành cho những ai chuẩn bị bắt đầu vào cuộc sống hôn nhân mà không có điều kiện được nói chuyện trước với chuyên gia tâm lý. Trước khi đọc thì mình không biết chị ấy là ai đâu, đọc xong mới xem Shark Tank và thích chị Linh vì quá thông minh.

Và boom, sau đây là màn review:

Sách do (i) chuyên gia tư vấn hôn nhân (ii) theo đạo Thiên chúa viết từ (iii) năm 1986. Ba yếu tố trên ảnh hưởng tương đối đến nội dung sách.

Với tư cách là chuyên gia tư vấn hôn nhân thì tác giả chắc chắn đã có điều kiện gặp nhiều tình huống thực tế phát sinh từ hôn nhân, đặc biệt là những lý do khiến hôn nhân gặp trục trặc. Kỹ năng và cách tiếp cận thì mỗi người có thể khác nhau nhưng kinh nghiệm thực tế, đối với mình là rất quý giá vì mình không được tiếp xúc và hiểu về nhiều cuộc hôn nhân bằng chuyên gia được rồi.

Mình thì không theo đạo Thiên chúa nên cũng không hiểu giáo lý của Thiên chúa nhưng thấy có rất nhiều người trên goodreads tranh cãi về mặt tư tưởng. Theo kiểu ông này với tư cách là người theo đạo mà lại viết như thế là không được, có vẻ nhiều người theo đạo Thiên chúa bị phật ý về cách tiếp cận của tác giả. Cá nhân mình thấy thì tác giả có nhiều lần trích dẫn Kinh thánh (hoặc lời giảng của Chúa hay từ sách giáo huấn - mình không rõ gọi là gì), do không theo Thiên chúa nên mình cũng không cảm nhận được gì và cũng không hiểu gì. Nên những phần ấy mình bỏ qua.

Sách viết khá là lâu rồi thời điểm này đã hơn 30 năm rồi dù sách mình đọc là phiên bản sửa đổi và bổ sung năm 2011, in năm 2016 (hình như là bản mới nhất hiện đang có). Dù là năm 2011 thì tới nay sự phát triển của nam giới và nữ giới cũng như hôn nhân của các giới đã thay đổi nhiều rồi. Tư tưởng trong sách có lẽ là hơi kiểu "old fashioned" với nhiều người. Nhưng mình thì thấy là Việt Nam bây giờ chắc cũng tầm với Mỹ hồi đó. Xin đừng ném đá vì mình không có ý phán xét là quan niệm của "hồi đó" hay "bây giờ" cái nào tốt hơn. Chỉ là cảm nhận của riêng mình thì phần đông giá trị hôn nhân và gia đình ở Việt Nam bây giờ khá là tương đồng với giá trị mà trong sách nói tới.

Túm lại thì nội dung chính của sách là chỉ ra cho người ta cách để xây dựng một cuộc hôn nhân bền vững, không ngoại tình ( sách nói nhiều về các phòng chống ngoại tình chứ không nói về trường hợp chán nhau bỏ nhau không ai ngoại tình) bằng cách thỏa mãn những NHU CẦU CƠ BẢN khác nhau của vợ/chồng trong hôn nhân.

Bằng cách liệt kê và phân tích 10 nhu cầu cơ bản, trong đó chia ra 5 nhu cầu là ưu tiên của người vợ (affection, intimate conversation, honestly and openess, financial support, family commitment) và 5 nhu cầu là ưu tiên của người chồng (sexual fulfilment, recreational companionship, physical attractiveness, domestic support, admiration), tác giả chỉ ra rằng việc thỏa mãn những nhu cầu tối quan trọng của người vợ/người chồng là yếu tố tiên quyết khiến cho cuộc hôn nhân bền vững.

Nói đơn giản là người phụ nữ có 5 nhu cầu như trên, và người đàn ông nên tìm cách để thỏa mãn các nhu cầu đó của người bạn đời. Tương tự, người đàn ông cũng có 5 nhu cầu, có thể khác hoàn toàn hoặc khác một chút với người vợ. Việc không thỏa mãn một trong số các nhu cầu tối quan trọng đó sẽ khiến cho người vợ/ người chồng không được thỏa mãn đó tìm đến một người khác để lấp đầy nhu cầu bị thiếu hụt. Và đó là khi người ta ngoại tình..

Mình đọc sách mà thấy li kì gay cấn vì vốn dĩ giờ rất bức xúc với chuyện ngoại tình, không hiểu sao người ta có thể làm cái chuyện băng hoại đạo đức đáng ghê sợ như vậy, nhất là với người mình từng yêu đương sống chết mặn nồng. Nhiều lần tác giả nhấn mạnh rằng, bất kỳ ai cũng có thể ngoại tình, đó đa phần đều là những người bình thường chứ không phải tất cả đều là những người vô đạo đức như vẫn thường nghĩ, và đọc đến hết cuốn sách mình thật sự hiểu và tin điều đấy. Không phải là dung túng hay bênh vực những người ngoại tình nhưng mình đã hiểu lý do vì sao họ bắt đầu có quan hệ ngoài luồng hay có tình cảm với một người không phải vợ mình hay thậm chí yêu cả vợ lẫn bồ.

Có một điểm mình cũng thấy rất thú vị và hay ho nhận ra, đấy là trường hợp vợ và chồng không có chung sở thích thì có nên mỗi người theo đuổi sở thích riêng của mình hay không (trong phần nói về việc người đàn ông muốn có bạn đồng hành chia sẻ thú vui của mình)? Trước giờ mình thấy như thế quá hợp lý, bây giờ mình thích văn thơ nghệ thuật đạo giáo, người yêu lại thích đá pes xem đá bóng nghe rock. Rõ ràng là để tôn trọng nhau thì mỗi người nên theo đuổi sở thích riêng. Ohh nhưng ông tác giả bảo là có hàng nghìn hàng triệu các thú vui khác ngoài những cái kể trên, bao gồm cả những cái hai người chưa thử bao giờ và còn chẳng biết mình có thích hay không. Vì vậy nên giống như là, vẽ 2 vòng tròn vậy, và tìm cái phần giao giữa hai vòng tròn đó, và cùng nhau xây dựng, trải nghiệm và chia sẻ những thói quen mới, thú vui mới.

Việc chia 5 nhu cầu dành riêng cho mỗi giới không hẳn là phù hợp hoàn toàn cho nhiều người, ví dụ như nhu cầu ưu tiên của mình lại là nhu cầu mà tác giả xếp vào nhóm nhu cầu của đàn ông cơ :)) nhưng quan trọng nhất cái ý tưởng đấy là: Cần tìm hiểu được nhu cầu của mình, chia sẻ được với người bạn đời của mình một cách rõ ràng để người ta hiểu; Tìm hiểu nhu cầu của bạn đời và cố gắng để thỏa mãn những nhu cầu của người ta bằng một tư tưởng cầu thị, bao dung và đầy tính xây dựng. Có như thế thì mối quan hệ mới bền vững và vững rồi thì chả có anh nào chị nào dòm ngó phá bĩnh được cả.

Ôi một cái review viết nghiêm túc quá =)))) tại mình thật lòng muốn chia sẻ cho nhiều người ý vì thấy hôn nhân giờ mong manh quá? Mẹ mình hay bảo mình là cái đồ cứ hay đọc sách đọc sách nhưng tính mình vậy rồi thà đứng yên bất động cho dòng đời xoay chuyển chứ quyết không liều mình lao vào làm những thứ mà mình không biết nó là cái gì. Cái chết vì ngu là một cái chết rất ngu =)). Thật sự là ý, việc học giỏi hay làm giỏi hay là ai đó xuất sắc không hề đảm bảo cho bạn có một cuộc hôn nhân hạnh phúc đâu. Mình chắc chắn. Nhưng cần gì để có một cuộc hôn nhân hạnh phúc? Mình không bít =)). Còn ông tác giả của sách này thì ông ý bảo là đơn giản thôi: cần phải thỏa mãn nhu cầu của partner.

Đọc xong sách có thêm một niềm vui nữa là vui vì đọc sách tiếng Anh mà đọc vèo vèo hiểu hết. Dạo trước đọc How not to die và The China study muốn bể cái đầu xong day dứt dằn vặt vì sao mình dốt vậy đọc mãi không xong toàn từ chuyên ngành y học. Đọc qua cái này thấy dễ ơi là dễ hihi

[Monique · Rating 3 out of 5]

بلاخره بعد سالها تمومش کردم!!!
این که عنوان یه کتاب باشه :نیازهای مردان، نیازهای زنان!, خیلی به نظر عنوان زردی میاد!
انگار که از این کتابای چرت باشه
اما خب نمیشه گفت کاملا اینطور بود.
چیزی که در طرفداری از این سبک کتاب ها میخوام بگم اینه که گاهی وقتی میخونیشون حس میکنی که چقد حرفی که میزنه بدیهیه!!!! اصلا گفتن نداشت! ولی واقعا چقد حواسمون به بدیهیات هست؟
ارزش این کتاب در حد سه و هفتاد و پنج صدم ستاره بود اما نه چهار ستاره
و اینکه شاید فوق العاده نبود اما بخشی از خلاهای اطلاعاتی من رو پر کرد

[محمد الملا · Rating 4 out of 5]

المؤلف أتى من خلفية هندسية ولربما هذا ما جعل من الكتاب في قالب منهجي ونظامي ويؤسسس لمنهج عملي على ضوء علمي وتجربة ميدانية ليكون الحل للكثير من المشاكل الزوجية

الكتاب رائع جداً وأعتقد إني سأنصح الجميع بأن يقرأئه، هو فعلاً يقدم رؤية رصينة وناضجة وعملية في علاج المشاكل الزوجية

اللهم ولأن المؤلف كونه مسيحي الديانة فهو وعلى ضوء ذلك يؤمن بأحادية الزواج وليس هناك تعدد زواجات والتي لو كانت ضمن منهجيته لتغيرت فرضية الكتاب القائمة على إن هذا الكتاب يساعد على منع العلاقات الأخرى غير العلاقة مع الزوجة الواحدة

فالكتاب مبني على فرضية إنه لا يوجد إلا سبيل واحد وهو أن يقوم كلا الزوجين بإشباع بعضهما البعض في كامل إحتياجاتهما العاطفية وأي عملية إشباع من طرف آخر هي غير صحيحة وتهدم الزواج ... وهذا ما لا تذهب له النظرية الإسلامية

هناك إفتراض آخر مهم يطرحه الكاتب في كتابه، وبحاجة لبحث أكثر، الكتاب يتحدث عن (عودة الحب) بعد إشباع الحاجات، وهنا إفتراض مهم بأن هذا الزواج كان أساسه الحب، أما عن الزيجات التقليدية والتي لا من المفترض أن يأتي الحب فيها بعد الزواج فالكتأب يفترض نوعاً ما بأن إشباع الحاجات العاطفية من شأنه أن يخلق الحب أيضاً كالوضع في حال الزيجات التقليدية .. وهنا بحث مهم بحاجة لتفصيل

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update: 10/12/2014

رغم إن الكاتب ذكر إن السياق العام لإحتياجات المرأة هي (الأمان) إلا إنه لم يتكلم عن ذلك باستفاضة كون شرح السياق العام مهم لفهم الإحتياجات التفصيلية ... للرجل هنا سياق المحارب، ولكنه كذلك لم يشرحه

بالإضافة إلى ذلك، أجد نفسي اليوم مع احتياجات أخرى أعتقد إنها جديرة بالإنتباه، والكاتب رغم إن ذكر وجود إحتياجات أخرى إلا إنه أغفل ذكر أيٍ منها، أعتقد لو إنه ذكر بعضٍ منها في ملحق وبشكل مختصر لأعطى ذلك دافعاُ أفضل للجميع لكي ينطلق أكثر إلى أكثر من الخمس الحاجات الخاصة به

رغم كل ذلك .. يبقى الكتاب نقلة نوعية في طرحه، ويستحق فعلاً أربع نجوم
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Update: 11/12/2014

إشباع الإحتياجات كوسيلة لتجديد الحب لا يكون إلا على فرضية وأساس إن القيم بين الزوجين على أفضل حالاتها، لأن المنظومة القيمية للزوجين هي الأساس في جعلهما يتقاربون أو ينفرون من بعضهم البعض

من جهة أخرى: بنك الحب ليس بالضرورة منصف، يكون أحياناً كثيرة أن يخل أحد الطرفين في إشباع حاجة الطرف الآخر لأسباب قاهرة وخارج إرادته، خصوصاً في وضع إقتصادي وسياسي وأمني متأزم كالسجن والنفي والمرض .. هنا نوع من عدم الإنصاف للشخص المتضرر أن يزداد ضرره بفقدانه لحب شريك حياته أيضاً

[كِـنزة بـاء سيـن · Rating 4 out of 5]

.أهم الأفكار

-اجعل رصيدا بنكيا للحب يزيد وينقص .. وفي نهاية العام يتصارحان ليغيرا الأمور المزعجة.

- الأزمة الحقيقية بين الزوجين تكون بسبب عدم تفهم احتياجات الآخر .. والتي تنحصر في :
الحب .. الاعجاب..الدعم المنزلي ..المحادثة .. الالتزام العائلي.. الدعم المالي..الأمانة والصراحة .. الانجذاب الجسدي..الصحبة الممتعة .. الاشباع الجنسي.

- أوليات المرأة مختلفة عن أولويات الرجل .. فمثلا الحب والإعجاب مهمان للمرأة .. أما الرجل فالاشباع والصحبة .. وهي ليست قاعدة عااامة بالطبع.

-عدم تلبية الاحتياجات سببها الجهل وليس الأنانية..

-أهم شيء لا تستطيع المرأة الاستغناء عنه هو الحب ويتمثل في الأمان والحماية والقبول ويتم الإفصاح عنه.

-العناق مهم لاظهار الحب للزوجة .. ثم الهدايا كالورود .. لكن أغلب الرجال يظنون اظهار الحب غير مهم.

- أفضل مدرب للرجل زوجته .. هي التي تستطيع إعطاءه حلول ليستطيع التعبير عنه حبه لها كما تريد.

- الرجل يحتاج زوجة جميلة .. والمقصود هنا أهمية اهتمام الزوجة بنفسها لأن هذا يشعر الزوج بالرضى ..

- الصراحة والأمان هو الخيط الذهبي لثقة المرأة في زوجها... فهذا يؤسس العلاقة الوثيقة (من وجهة نظر الزوجة).

-الزوج يبحث في الأسرة عن الدعم الأسري من خلال خلق جو هادئ في البيت للراحة.. والزوجة تريد الدعم المنزلي والمساعدة في تربية وتعليم الأطفال.

- الجهل الجنسي والخيانة من أسباب فشل العلاقات .. تثقف في الأولى وتجنب الثانية بل وتجنب الأسباب التي تجعلك ضحية خيانة .

[John Uit de Flesch · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a solid marriage book. It is written from a secular perspective from someone who does hold to Christianity of some type. This marriage counselor has seen hundreds of couples, many who have had affairs. His approach is very simple--the affair was providing something the marriage was not. It is a very practical book. Some could call it transactional, but it is simply the facts of reality. He identifies five major needs of each spouse. He admits that every couple is different, but almost all spouses will have at least one of his five as their major need. His chapter on recovery after an affair is also very good. He looks at marriage very traditionally, and he lives in reality. I'm a fan. It's not the best marriage book ever, but it definitely is the best of its specific, unique genre.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great relationship book! While some of the men's needs made me angry and seemed downright sexist, just because I didn't like them didn't mean that they weren't accurate. I think a lot of female reviewers' problems with the book are that the author tells it like it is instead of how women wish it were or think it should be. That being said, every individual has to choose how far they are willing to go to accomodate their spouse's needs without compromising who they are.

The bottom line is, the book provides insight on what makes your spouse happy and fulfilled and offers good, practical advice on steps you can take to make your marriage better. I highly recommend it.

[Pat · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ugh! A sexist, misogynistic book about marriage, basically saying that the wife is to ignore her needs and put her husband first, regardless of his treatment of her.