Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve – A Warm, Witty Spiritual Path to Peace and Joy

by Lewis B. Smedes

A Proven Path to Move from Shame to Healing If you persistently feel you don't measure up, you are feeling shame—that vague, undefined heaviness that presses on our spirit, dampens our gratitude for the goodness of life, and diminishes our joy. The good news is that shame can be healed. With warmth and wit, Lewis B. Smedes examines why and how we feel shame, and presents a profound, spiritual plan for healing. Step by step, Smedes outlines the road to well-being and the peace that comes from knowing we are accepted by the grace of One whose acceptance of us matters most.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Theology, Christian, Counselling, Nonfiction, Faith

192 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 1992

About the author

Lewis Benedictus Smedes (1921 — December 19, 2002) was a renowned Christian author, ethicist, and theologian in the Reformed tradition. He was a professor of theology and ethics for twenty-five years at Fuller Theological Seminary in Pasadena, California. His 15 books, including the popular Forgive and Forget, covered some important issues including sexuality and forgiveness.

Lewis Benedictus Smedes was born in 1921, the youngest of five children. His father, Melle Smedes, and mother, Rena (Benedictus), emigrated to the United States from Oostermeer, Friesland in the Netherlands. (Rena's name before being changed by the officials at Ellis Island was Renske.) When he was two-months-old, his father died in the partially completed house he built in Muskegon, Michigan. He married Doris Dekker. He died after falling from a ladder at his home in Sierra Madre, California on December 19, 2002. He was survived by his wife, three children, two grandchildren and one brother.

In addition to many articles, Smedes wrote many popular books including:

* Forgive & Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve, Harper, 1984
* A Pretty Good Person What it Takes to Live with Courage, Gratitude, & Integrity or When Pretty Good Is as Good as You Can Be, Harper, 1990
* Standing on the Promises
* Choices: Making Right Decisions in a Complex World
* How Can It Be All Right When Everything Is All Wrong?
* Caring & Commitment: Learning to Live the Love We Promise
* The Incarnation in Modern Anglo-Catholic Theology
* All Things Made New
* Love Within Limits
* Sex for Christians
* Mere Morality: What God Expects From Ordinary People
* A Life of Distinction
* The Art of Forgiving
* Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't Deserve
* Keeping Hope Alive
* My God and I, a Spiritual Memoir, Eerdmans, 2003

Reviews

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was hard for me to rate. I had never truly known the true concept of shame- it was always something I thought was the same as guilt-- but I learned how different they really are and how vital that difference is to the person who suffers shame-- from this book. I read this book at someone's suggestion, someone who knows my inner-most heart-- she was dead-on correct in naming the shame in my being! So from that perspective-- this book was a life saver for me-- I have a clearer understanding of myself. But the "ok, I understand shame. Now I want to overcome it." sections-- those were confusing to me and didn't offer a clear guide for how to overcome this unhealthy pattern in my life. I also had a hard time staying interested in this book-- it didn't hold my attention-- I kept at it out of sheer determination. So I rated this a "really liked it" 4 based on the "AH HA" moment it provided me, however, I would have done a 2 "it was ok" or 3 "I liked it" rating based on depth and the interest factor.

[Juli · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book really lacked depth and profound truth for me. I am someone who is very hard on myself and know what it feels like to be paralyzed by shame. I felt like he missed the boat on really capturing the death-grip shame can have on people and left me feeling like it was up to me to fix it (even though his thesis is that Grace comes from God). I felt his examples were often shallow and at times he made assumptions about people and their actions that I felt did not necessarily have to connect. Several times he made statements that I did not agree with on a theological level. I think I understood what he may have been trying to say but feel like what he actually said was (at times) not the true gospel of Christ. I think God offers more healing and redemption than Smedes talks about in this book. Sorry to say I can't recommend this one.

[Chelsea Duncan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is so comprehensive about the complex subject of shame and grace, such a huge and often not talked about area of faith. I love how it goes in depth about both the good and bad aspects of shame and gives examples of real life persons and situations that might lead to this unhealthy shame. I also loved the inclusion of quotes and stories and the personal element Smedes included. However I can't give this book five stars because unfortunately the sections about grace and healing were quite vague. There weren't any practical steps (even faith based ones) to help you on your way. And also, as with another book by Smedes, there seems to be very little inclusion of scripture and Word of God based information and assurances (of which there are many, especially in relation to shame).
Overall it's uplifting and eye opening, but in terms of actually helping with the pain of shame based problems, all it really does is point to God rather than offer anything of its own.

[Rain Lemming · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book sucked me out of a half-decade affair with self loathing. If you are a church kid and can't seem to shake your fuzzy feelings of badness, this book is for you.

[Kenneth Garrett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very, very profound exploration of the role of shame and grace as they are played out and experienced in the Christian faith. While discussions of grace often remain stuck in the purely theological-doctrinal realm (ie, "God's undeserved kindness, forgiveness, etc., shown to His own..."), Smedes focuses on the application of grace--in the believer's personal life and in relationships with others. Throughout the book he provides example after example of graciousness. His explanation of the role of shame (both deserved and undeserved), and the toxic effect that undeserved, unaddressed shame has on the experience of the believer is in-depth, useful, and challenging. This is a book to be read, prayerfully applied, and reread.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this for school. Shame is a super relevant topic in my life (womp womp) and this book dealt with it in such a gentle but powerful way. Kind of boring at times, but overall worth a read.

[Glen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant piece of work. If you deal with people, you need to read it. I know that sounds general, but there is no way to narrow down who this book it for.

Our lives are messy and this helps us to check them. Other peoples loves are messy and this book will help us recognize what we are dealing with. More importantly Smedes provides a direction of action to move through a healing process.

Get it and get your pencil and highlighter ready. You will be busy.

[Olive Chan · Rating 4 out of 5]

The concept of shame has been like light in the darkness. The author explains that shame is when we feel bad about who we are (as opposed to guilt, which is when we feel bad about what we do). He explores causes of shame (healthy and unhealthy) and how grace can heal us from it.

[Wendy C · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like how Smedes writes. It is simple to understand but not simplistic. He hits a real vein of an under discussed topic...shame. He does not have a style to give platitudes, but writes from his own shamed place within which is where are the great writings reside.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

A classic, before Brene Brown there was Lewis Smedes.

[Patrick Willis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book that was a textbook for my Christian Counseling class back in undergrad that I had started to read back then and simply skimmed (as most college students do) in order to complete the assignments dealing with the book. I find myself currently preparing for a retreat for college students in the campus ministry where I serve, where the topic is 'grace.' I'm thankful I still had this book on my shelf. While there were times (maybe writing style or maybe (more likely) fatigue) where I found myself a little confused as to what Smedes was trying to get at, overall this book provides fresh air to a community where members should be swimming in grace but instead are finding themselves drowning in shame. By identifying differences between healthy & unhealthy shame, deserving something versus being worthy of something, and sharing lots of stories to illustrate and guide, Smedes (I think) has produced a GREAT resource for Christians to read and work through. I would encourage anyone to read this book, though maybe going a little slower than I did, and taking some time to seriously wrestle with what he says and the practical suggestions he offers in trying to help us live more as a people who have experienced the best thing in the world, grace.

[Monica · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's so hard to rate this book.

For the vast majority, I disagreed or felt like he was pulling things out of thin air (e.g. when he separates how we experience shame in 4 ways. Says who?). I didn't like the way he shaped his arguments in randomized bullet points. There were also times where I was not convinced at all (e.g. the whole "worthy of grace" thing. I like singing Amazing Grace and feeling like a wretch, because that concludes in the preciousness of my new identity in Christ!). Lastly, I noted I didn't fully know who he meant by "God" - there is hardly any reference of Jesus Christ in the book. Is this the God in Jewish tradition, Christianity, Mormonism, or...?

AND YET. There was some very good stuff in there. A few gold nuggets. And those gold nuggets were
amazing - e.g. joy is its own reward - virtue is not. And that is true!

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a pleasant surprise. There were many golden nuggets that I just had to write down on the side as I kept reading. Questions around what shame is and how it manifests were explored clearly and beautifully.

“We are destined to feel frustrated at times because we have the power to imagine that we can defy our limits. In our imagination, we may enjoy the illusion that we have no limits, but we reach them sooner or later, and when we do, we chafe. To be frustrated by our limits is our destiny and our discomfort; it is our challenge to reach beyond them. But it is our glory, not our shame.”

[Diana Hoekstra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was reading this book to deal with shame someone put on me, which the author does well. I was caught off guard when he spoke of shame we put on ourselves, which I do. He describes the difference between deserving and being worthy. I am undeserving, but I am worthy. Lewis B. Smedes describes grace as God. “Grace stands for gift; it is the gift of being accepted before we become acceptable.” Grace heals shame. We can be free of unhealthy shame. We can experience joy!

[David Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

More than 25 years later, this book is still a Christian classic on shame. The good news of the gospel is that our shame can be healed. As we understand the heaviness of why we feel shame and the varieties of how we feel shame, we can also follow a spiritual plan for healing: We are indeed accepted by the grace of God, whose acceptance of us matters most.

[Carolyn Virginia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Learned about this from C. Wagner.  I found it interesting but, the editing was not good.  Some kinda dumb stories/thoughts were left in.  (we all have them but, a good editor would x them out!).  I especailly like the quote "noble hearts feel deep shame for acts that literalists [superficial people] hardly notice."  

[Mary Dunnavant · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had to read this as part of the curriculum for an MFT program I’m in. For this purpose, it missed the mark so hard. So if you’re reading as a clinician, I fear you bringing it into a therapy room. But reading it as part of religious/spiritual growth journey I can see how it would be helpful for the growth of a Christian person.

[Kodee · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I believe I am worthy to be accepted.”

This is a great book for those who hurt. Even if you don’t think you are dealing with shame, this book encourages the heart and speaks deep truth into the soul.

[Lynette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought provoking and helpful.

[May · Rating 3 out of 5]

The final chapters are the best in the book.

[John Yarbrough · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kathy recommended reading this book. I felt like he was rehashing the same arguments, and basing his points subjectively. Well written and as been mentioned, the last chapters were worthy of note.

[Steven Tryon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Superb and timely.

[Lisa Harding · Rating 5 out of 5]

Please read this book

[Sara Blickenderfer · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hard to understand but good I guess

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The point is that the grace of God comes to us in our scrambled spiritual disorder, our mangled inner mass, and accepts us with all our unsorted clutter, accepts us with all our potential for doing real evil and all our fascinating flaws that makes us such interesting people. He accepts us totally as the spiritual stew that we are.
We are accepted in our most fantastic contradictions and our boring corruptions. Accepted with our roaring vices and our purring virtues. We are damaged masterpieces, stunted saints; there are ogres and angles in our basements that we can hardly tell apart and that we have not dared to face up to. For the whole shadowed self each one of us is, grace has one loving phrase: you are accepted. Accepted. Accepted. Accepted." page 117

[Fiona · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes books can hit you about the head with truth, and demand that you change your life to fit the truth. This is not one of those books; instead it is a very gentle, gracious book. The author explains the gap between what we might feel and truth, and helps show God's loving path from one to the other. It also contains the best description of forgiveness, and how to achieve it that I have ever read.

[Lauryi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was sent to me through a couple of people at a time when I was dealing with the concept of shame and the recognition of it. It was a God-send. Where others had dealt with the subject very effectively and I had already recognized it in my life, Smedes brings in the spiritual aspect without becoming preachy (that would have been a total turnoff for me). The idea that no matter what I've done, there is forgiveness and that some shame is actually healthy were points I needed reinforced.

[Gloria · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have never seen nor read a book that focused this directly on the subject of shame. It is easy to read and thorough in providing examples and viewpoints as to when people experience shame, including cultural and parental expectations. Found the section on "grace" to have a healing tone to it and overall it has a comforting feel to it.

[Mlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vier sterren voor de kwaliteit van het boek: Prima, maar soms wat rommelig. Je moet af en toe een beetje tussen de regels doorlezen.
Een extra ster voor het thema dat hij uitwerkt. Ik had eigenlijk nog nooit over het begrip schaamte nagedacht, maar nu achteraf heel blij dat ik het heb gelezen.

Update 2e keer lezen: vond 'em nog beter dan de eerste keer.