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If Only He Knew: A Valuable Guide to Knowing, Understanding, and Loving Your Wife
Here is a how-to book for men that clarifies distinctions between the sexes, giving a fresh outlook on building a stronger marital relationship.
171 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 10, 1982
358 people are currently reading
1048 people want to read
About the author
Gary Smalley
289 books118 followersGary Smalley was one of the country's best-known authors and speakers on family relationships. He was the award-winning, best-selling author or coauthor of sixteen books, as well as several popular films and videos. The Blessing and The Two Sides of Love have won Gold Medallions, The Language of Love won the Angel Award as the best contribution to family life, and his other titles have received Silver Medallions. His national infomercial Hidden Keys to Loving Relationships has been viewed by television audiences all over the world.
Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.
Dr. Greg Smalley graduated with his doctorate degree in clinical psychology from Rosemead School of Psychology at Biola University in Southern California. He also holds master's degrees in counseling psychology (Denver Seminary) and clinical psychology (Rosemead). Dr. Smalley is the director of research and development at Smalley Relationship Center in Branson, Missouri. He lives in Ozark, Missouri with his wife, Erin, and their two daughters, Taylor and Madalyn.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 73 reviews
December 30, 2019
Half way through this book I had it figured out.
Rule 1: If there is a problem, it is the man’s fault.
Rule 2: For all other cases see rule number 1.
But having finished the book that isn’t quite what he says. I went back to see where he said it, and he never comes out and says it. He does challenge someone to disprove it. The man tried, but did not succeed. Smalley demonstrated in every case that he had caused the problems which he was blaming on his wife.
The book has many examples of where the man hurt their marriage through his insensitivity, and how that just does not work. And for balance, there are also examples of doing things right. There are tables and questionnaires to help the reader realize that the man needs to take responsibility for the health of the marriage.
So stated in another way:
If there is a problem in the marriage, it is the man’s responsibility to take ownership of the problem, listen, understand, apologize, and make it right. Trying to force the issue by criticism, etc makes it worse. So to summarize the book in one sentence:
Rule 1: The man is responsible for the quality of the marriage.
--------------------------
A few notes from the book:
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life. more important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
5. She needs to feel free to help you without fearing retaliation and anger.
6. She needs to know that you will defend and protect her.
7. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable that you will discus decisions with her, and act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. She needs to share her life with you in every area - home, family, and outside interests.
9. She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow and her daughter would want to marry.
10. She needs to be tenderly held often, just to be near you apart from times of sexual intimacy.
When her needs are met, a woman gains security and glows with a sense of well-being. Some of her glow will rub off on you, especially if you are responsible for it in the first place.
Rule 1: If there is a problem, it is the man’s fault.
Rule 2: For all other cases see rule number 1.
But having finished the book that isn’t quite what he says. I went back to see where he said it, and he never comes out and says it. He does challenge someone to disprove it. The man tried, but did not succeed. Smalley demonstrated in every case that he had caused the problems which he was blaming on his wife.
The book has many examples of where the man hurt their marriage through his insensitivity, and how that just does not work. And for balance, there are also examples of doing things right. There are tables and questionnaires to help the reader realize that the man needs to take responsibility for the health of the marriage.
So stated in another way:
If there is a problem in the marriage, it is the man’s responsibility to take ownership of the problem, listen, understand, apologize, and make it right. Trying to force the issue by criticism, etc makes it worse. So to summarize the book in one sentence:
Rule 1: The man is responsible for the quality of the marriage.
--------------------------
A few notes from the book:
1. Your wife needs to feel that she is very valuable in your life. more important than your mother, your children, your friends, your secretary, and your job.
2. When your wife is stressed out and hurting, she needs to know that you are willing to share an intimate moment of comfort without demanding explanations or giving lectures.
3. She needs open unobstructed communication.
4. She needs to be praised so she can feel a valuable part of your life.
5. She needs to feel free to help you without fearing retaliation and anger.
6. She needs to know that you will defend and protect her.
7. She needs to know that her opinion is so valuable that you will discus decisions with her, and act only after carefully evaluating her advice.
8. She needs to share her life with you in every area - home, family, and outside interests.
9. She needs you to be the kind of man her son can follow and her daughter would want to marry.
10. She needs to be tenderly held often, just to be near you apart from times of sexual intimacy.
When her needs are met, a woman gains security and glows with a sense of well-being. Some of her glow will rub off on you, especially if you are responsible for it in the first place.
Currently reading
May 21, 2012All the books written to help women understand men - finally, a book to help men understand women. I could not put this book down. I read the entire book in one evening. A must read for men. Praying I can motivate my husband to read it soon.
September 5, 2014
I typically like to read at least one book on marriage per year. I'm not a great husband and I need lots of help! If Only He Knew has been sitting on our bookshelf for a long time, and I never read it because the books is so old (written in 1979) and I just assumed that newer marriage books are better than old ones. Gary Smalley does a great job at addressing my issues though. I struggle with anger, being argumentative, and critical, and Smalley hits them all. He uses a ton of stories and examples from his life and from people that he's counseled to drive home his points. This makes the book a very easy read. He also has a few homework projects for the wives to do so that the husband can better understand what his wife wants/needs. I recommend this oldie, but goodie to everyone.
Favorite quotes:
p. 42 - "Wives need proof of change over a consistent period of time in at least three areas before they believe their husband's commitment."
p. 49 - "Remember, when a wife feels she is the most important, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do."
p. 66 - "If your wife is depressed, it may or may not be something you've contributed to - but it is always your responsibility to help."
p. 91 - "Harsh words can stay with a woman for years."
p. 100 - "The main problem that we men have to overcome is our lack of knowledge and skills to nurture our wives to a level from which we can enjoy a growing, loving, and intimate relationship with them."
p. 148 - "Committing ourselves to agree has brought more harmony and deeper communication than anything else we practice. It has increased my wife's self-worth and eliminated pressure-packed arguments."
Favorite quotes:
p. 42 - "Wives need proof of change over a consistent period of time in at least three areas before they believe their husband's commitment."
p. 49 - "Remember, when a wife feels she is the most important, she gets excited about her husband being able to do the things he wants to do."
p. 66 - "If your wife is depressed, it may or may not be something you've contributed to - but it is always your responsibility to help."
p. 91 - "Harsh words can stay with a woman for years."
p. 100 - "The main problem that we men have to overcome is our lack of knowledge and skills to nurture our wives to a level from which we can enjoy a growing, loving, and intimate relationship with them."
p. 148 - "Committing ourselves to agree has brought more harmony and deeper communication than anything else we practice. It has increased my wife's self-worth and eliminated pressure-packed arguments."
January 23, 2013
An amazing book that i really liked
It is practical and very easy to understand. The book is filled with so many wonderful lessons for husbands that are not "Way out there" but so easy to understand and they are all lessons from the authors own life of more than 4o years of marriage. Very thankful for men like Dr. Smalley because they are helping other married men like myself all over the world to become better and stronger husbands.
Might be one of the best books I have ever read on marriage.
Enjoy this wonderful book if you want to grow and become a better husband
It is practical and very easy to understand. The book is filled with so many wonderful lessons for husbands that are not "Way out there" but so easy to understand and they are all lessons from the authors own life of more than 4o years of marriage. Very thankful for men like Dr. Smalley because they are helping other married men like myself all over the world to become better and stronger husbands.
Might be one of the best books I have ever read on marriage.
Enjoy this wonderful book if you want to grow and become a better husband
June 24, 2012
Excellent advice for men.
October 31, 2013
Best humanly written book ever for men. Needs to be in AUDIO though. Update ~ Guess what?! Now (2013) it IS in Audio!
June 14, 2014
i liked it so much, i ordered it for my fiance' and his words were, if only he had read this book before, his past marriage may have lasted longer. so, i recommend this book to guys!
December 30, 2022
A wonderful book every husband should read to be a better spouse and to ultimately grow in humility. I highly recommend it.
August 30, 2025
Will Review at a Later Date.
July 23, 2013
This book is about helping husbands understand their wives. The conclusion I came to is that wives should read the book because it will help them understand themselves in some situations.
A particularity of this book is that it refers to 20 year old marriages, give or take, at least all the examples are. All I can say is that I was expecting something else like more general examples for all kind of marriages regardless if they had 1 anniversary or 70 anniversaries. Another particularity is that it refers to the Bible a little too much for my taste. I don’t have anything against it I am a person who believes in God but what is too much is too much. It’s like Mark Twain said in the beginning of one of his quotes “Too much of anything is bad […]”.
A particularity of this book is that it refers to 20 year old marriages, give or take, at least all the examples are. All I can say is that I was expecting something else like more general examples for all kind of marriages regardless if they had 1 anniversary or 70 anniversaries. Another particularity is that it refers to the Bible a little too much for my taste. I don’t have anything against it I am a person who believes in God but what is too much is too much. It’s like Mark Twain said in the beginning of one of his quotes “Too much of anything is bad […]”.
July 20, 2020
This is a phenomenal book. Every man should read this as it is a strong precursor or even guide for those preparing for a strong, beautiful marriage covenant - or those already in one. This book has really given me some tools and perspectives to ground me and also build a foundation for generations. It gives solid guidelines, advice, and stories as well as using the Word of God to show some biblical truths about marriage. Buy this now and invest in your marriage!
My only Con was needing more material specifically about sex in a marriage covenant. The Christian community, and many books written by Christian authors, seem to disconnect from this very divine part of life. Still, the material in here is 5 stars.
My only Con was needing more material specifically about sex in a marriage covenant. The Christian community, and many books written by Christian authors, seem to disconnect from this very divine part of life. Still, the material in here is 5 stars.
January 28, 2017
I read this book for the first time almost 30 years ago and it was effective in helping me enter marriage somewhat understanding my wife. Thirty years later I thought it would be good to use it for a checkup. While there is some helpful information, it is quite repetitive and not very deep. The biggest shortcomings are that for a Christian book on marriage, there is no gospel, no connection to the Biblical picture of marriage, and no real exegesis on passages on marriage or marriage roles.
January 29, 2011
Excellent book, I have a loner copy for my son and son-in-law. But you need to be ready to disagree and argue in your mind about it. Be open and willing to accept things that may seem way outside the box for the majority of men. I also bought the companion book "For Better or For Best" for my wife.
January 20, 2009
Great book! I strongle recommend every man read this before they get married. It is enlightening for women, too, but a must read for men who desire to understand thier wives (as best they can ~ha!) and make their marriage the best it can be!
June 9, 2008
This is a fairly old book, but I still feel like Smalley's advice to husbands is priceless in this book. Read up men!
Read
December 18, 2008646.78 Sma
December 28, 2010
If only "he" would have read this...then "he" would know.
Currently reading
June 8, 2012Reading and older version; Revised Edition 1982, 1988
Interesting the number of women verses men who have commented on this book...just sayn...
wondering how many of those are divorced?
Interesting the number of women verses men who have commented on this book...just sayn...
wondering how many of those are divorced?
March 13, 2015
Great study with Gregg Knoll, Burt Ambler, Bill Ernest, and Pat Nash
November 2, 2014
True stuff, but too simplistic and generalizing for my taste. A bit patronizing and quite patronizing in style. But a lot of good recommendations.
August 27, 2019
Whoa!
I read this and saw way to much of myself in this book. This should be required reading for all men. Outstanding!!!
I read this and saw way to much of myself in this book. This should be required reading for all men. Outstanding!!!
November 5, 2018
Nice
This was a very informative book. Some concepts I believed were common sense and some of the actions shown into he book on how husbands treated their wives had me in awe. I felt lots of information can be useful for men who need to understand women as equals. Overall this book really helps you to understand a woman with the one thing that stuck is that they are very sensitive and one must be mindful with words and actions.
This was a very informative book. Some concepts I believed were common sense and some of the actions shown into he book on how husbands treated their wives had me in awe. I felt lots of information can be useful for men who need to understand women as equals. Overall this book really helps you to understand a woman with the one thing that stuck is that they are very sensitive and one must be mindful with words and actions.
February 11, 2021
Ce roman présente des bonnes pistes de réflexion et conseils pratiques en lien avec diverses situations pouvant survenir dans un contexte de relation de couple.
L’auteur donne des règles générales utiles pour désamorcer certains malentendus ainsi que pour comprendre le point de vue de la femme vis-à-vis certaines situations.
J’ai apprécié le style pratique de l’auteur ainsi que la lecture du texte ponctué d’images et d’exemples concrets.
L’auteur donne des règles générales utiles pour désamorcer certains malentendus ainsi que pour comprendre le point de vue de la femme vis-à-vis certaines situations.
J’ai apprécié le style pratique de l’auteur ainsi que la lecture du texte ponctué d’images et d’exemples concrets.
January 11, 2023
Very practical. Great advice. Lots of good questions to think through during the chapters and at the end of the chapter. I want to be MoRE tender gentle attentive and an active listener. Be more attuned to her needs and seeing how when I show care for her how she is more likely to naturally reciprocate.
July 20, 2018
Great read!
Very practical advice. My favorite quote from the book is: “Great marriages come from great education.” This books helps build that marriage education we all need to be the best husbands we can be and to love our wives as Christ loved us.
Very practical advice. My favorite quote from the book is: “Great marriages come from great education.” This books helps build that marriage education we all need to be the best husbands we can be and to love our wives as Christ loved us.
February 22, 2021
One valuable lesson I learned from this book is that when your wife says something, try to understand what she meant rather than analyzing the words she used. Loved this quote “when you treat your wife well, you’re the one who wins!”
September 4, 2023
Best marriage book for men
So many examples that many men face and how to overcome them in biblical way! I am so dumb when it comes to relationships, and this at least brings some hope
So many examples that many men face and how to overcome them in biblical way! I am so dumb when it comes to relationships, and this at least brings some hope
November 7, 2017
Strongly recommend
Read this book.
Just married? Thinking about it? Married for 10 years?
Marriage in trouble?
Read this book.
Some analogies are dated, but content is solid
Read this book.
Just married? Thinking about it? Married for 10 years?
Marriage in trouble?
Read this book.
Some analogies are dated, but content is solid
April 29, 2018
An eye opening!
This book gives me a new perspective in seeing my marriage. It gives me insight on how to treat my wife correctly based on what Christ had taught in the bible.
This book gives me a new perspective in seeing my marriage. It gives me insight on how to treat my wife correctly based on what Christ had taught in the bible.
January 9, 2019
Good guidance book. Wasn't crazy about it.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 73 reviews