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Unbearable Lightness: A Story of Loss and Gain
“An unusually fresh and engrossing memoir of both Hollywood and modern womanhood.” —
Los Angeles Times
In this searing, unflinchingly honest memoir, actress Portia de Rossi shares the truth of her long battle to overcome anorexia and bulimia while living in the public eye, and details the new happiness and health she has found in recent years—including her coming out and her marriage to Ellen DeGeneres.
In this groundbreaking memoir, Portia de Rossi reveals the pain and illness that haunted her for decades, from the time she was a twelve-year-old girl working as a model in Australia, through her early rise to fame as a cast member of the hit television show Ally McBeal. All the while terrified that the truth of her sexuality would be exposed in the tabloids, Portia alternately starved herself and binged, putting her life in danger and concealing from herself and everyone around her the seriousness of her illness.
She describes the elaborate rituals around food that came to dominate hours of every day and explores the pivotal moments of her childhood that set her on the road to illness. She reveals the heartache and fear that accompany a life lived in the closet, a sense of isolation that was only magnified by her unrelenting desire to be ever thinner, ever more in control of her body and the number of calories she consumed and spent.
From her lowest point, Portia began the painful climb back to a life of health and honesty, falling in love and marrying Ellen DeGeneres and emerging as an outspoken and articulate advocate for gay rights and women’s health issues. In this remarkable, landmark book, she has given the world a story that inspires hope and nourishes the spirit.
In this searing, unflinchingly honest memoir, actress Portia de Rossi shares the truth of her long battle to overcome anorexia and bulimia while living in the public eye, and details the new happiness and health she has found in recent years—including her coming out and her marriage to Ellen DeGeneres.
In this groundbreaking memoir, Portia de Rossi reveals the pain and illness that haunted her for decades, from the time she was a twelve-year-old girl working as a model in Australia, through her early rise to fame as a cast member of the hit television show Ally McBeal. All the while terrified that the truth of her sexuality would be exposed in the tabloids, Portia alternately starved herself and binged, putting her life in danger and concealing from herself and everyone around her the seriousness of her illness.
She describes the elaborate rituals around food that came to dominate hours of every day and explores the pivotal moments of her childhood that set her on the road to illness. She reveals the heartache and fear that accompany a life lived in the closet, a sense of isolation that was only magnified by her unrelenting desire to be ever thinner, ever more in control of her body and the number of calories she consumed and spent.
From her lowest point, Portia began the painful climb back to a life of health and honesty, falling in love and marrying Ellen DeGeneres and emerging as an outspoken and articulate advocate for gay rights and women’s health issues. In this remarkable, landmark book, she has given the world a story that inspires hope and nourishes the spirit.
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First published November 1, 2010
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About the author
Portia de Rossi
2 books190 followersPortia Lee James DeGeneres, known professionally as Portia de Rossi, is an Australian actress, best known for her roles as lawyer Nelle Porter on the television series Ally McBeal and Lindsay Bluth Fünke on the sitcom Arrested Development. She also portrayed Veronica Palmer on the ABC sitcom Better Off Ted.
Portia is married to Ellen Degeneres.
Portia is married to Ellen Degeneres.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,651 reviews
April 1, 2011
My “favorite” part was eight pages in, when she indulges in “too much” yogurt, freaks out, and starts doing lunges to make up for it: “I start sobbing now as I lunge my way across the floor and I wonder how many calories I’m burning by sobbing. Sobbing and lunging – it’s got to be at least 30 calories. It crosses my mind to vocalize my thoughts of self-loathing because speaking the thoughts that fuel the sobs would have to burn more calories than just thinking the thoughts…”
I’ve read/seen a number of stories about eating disorders, and no one has ever gone so deep into the little nooks and crannies of her particular brand of crazy as Portia de Rossi.
I was both appalled and in awe. Her story is emotional and terrifying.
But the book has major problems. She acts completely and totally fucking insane for 275 pages then tacks on a 30-page epilogue to summarize her recovery. That doesn’t make sense to me. She gives us all the nitty-gritty, down and dirty details of her eating disorder then glosses over her journey back to health? Her journey back to health is the whole point! Without that, this book might as well be a how-to guide.
I’ve read/seen a number of stories about eating disorders, and no one has ever gone so deep into the little nooks and crannies of her particular brand of crazy as Portia de Rossi.
I was both appalled and in awe. Her story is emotional and terrifying.
But the book has major problems. She acts completely and totally fucking insane for 275 pages then tacks on a 30-page epilogue to summarize her recovery. That doesn’t make sense to me. She gives us all the nitty-gritty, down and dirty details of her eating disorder then glosses over her journey back to health? Her journey back to health is the whole point! Without that, this book might as well be a how-to guide.
October 3, 2013
Opening Line: “He doesn’t wait until I’m awake. He comes into my unconscious to find me, to pull me out.”
I knew almost nothing about Portia De Rossi before reading her gripping biography. Sure I’d seen her years ago on Ally McBeal. I knew she was beautiful, I knew she was married to Ellen DeGeneres and I had just assumed she was another perfect movie star living the dream with a life to be envious of. This is so not the case here.
Unbearable Lightness is brutal, scary, well written and shocking in its honesty, chronicling Portia’s almost lifelong struggle with an eating disorder. We bare witness as she yo-yo diets through the ages of 12-25 binging and purging, basing her happiness on the number on the scale. Then finally (with the help of a nutritionist) we watch as Portia becomes successful at “dieting.” Starving and excessively excising her way down to 82 lbs. Sad, frightening, tortuous and just plain crazy, this was engrossing yet at times painful to read.
We are given some insight into Portia’s life however this does not read like your standard memoir, focusing almost exclusively on her eating disorder and shying away from any real understanding of her career or personal relationships. In a vague sense we learn of Portia’s childhood in Australia, her early modeling days, first marriage in Los Angeles and almost invisible, worthless feelings associated with Ally McBeal. The only behind the scenes we get there are regarding her fittings and the size of her power suits. Portia’s sexuality is discussed but again vaguely, mainly it’s as a fear of being exposed and her confusion living life as a closeted gay woman.
Throughout we get the feeling that Portia doesn’t feel she deserves anything, to say she has low self esteem would be an understatement, she has no self esteem. She is lonely, obsessed with food and calorie counting and her only real relationship is with her treadmill. Basing any happiness on losing weight, because everything will be perfect if she can just lose 5-10-15 lbs. As a warning; at the height of her disease this begins to read a bit like a how-to-guide for the anorexic and I would bare this in mind if you’re at all going to be using this book as a form of recovery tool.
During one Christmas Portia hits her lowest weight. At 82 lbs she’s consuming just 300 calories a day. She knows she’s too thin, she’s hiding her bony arms and her family is crying at the sight of her however she no longer knows how to eat, food scares her and she’s afraid of going back to the binging/purging and self hatred.
Eventually on a movie set DeRossi’s body can longer take the abuse; she’s sick, exhausted and her bones ache. She has also developed osteoporosis and lupus and has to start eating. Portia’s recovery process here is insightful, uplifting and beautifully done and I really wish her the best. Cheers
This was the scariest passage for me;
“I hadn’t eaten for many hours and my calorie count was fairly low that day, I would allow myself to have a piece of Extra chewing gum. I always allowed myself to have gum, but at 5 calories a stick, I had to add it to my daily calorie allowance because it was these kinds of unrecorded calories that could build up and cause you to gain weight.”
-Portia proceeds to “pig out” in a self described “frenzied feeding.” Consuming the entire pack of gum in a matter of minutes. Then filled with guilt over what she’s done and terrified she’ll gain weight again she begins running sprints (in high heels) across the mall parking lot, in a desperate attempt to rid her body of the calories (from the gum!) and maintain control.
I knew almost nothing about Portia De Rossi before reading her gripping biography. Sure I’d seen her years ago on Ally McBeal. I knew she was beautiful, I knew she was married to Ellen DeGeneres and I had just assumed she was another perfect movie star living the dream with a life to be envious of. This is so not the case here.
Unbearable Lightness is brutal, scary, well written and shocking in its honesty, chronicling Portia’s almost lifelong struggle with an eating disorder. We bare witness as she yo-yo diets through the ages of 12-25 binging and purging, basing her happiness on the number on the scale. Then finally (with the help of a nutritionist) we watch as Portia becomes successful at “dieting.” Starving and excessively excising her way down to 82 lbs. Sad, frightening, tortuous and just plain crazy, this was engrossing yet at times painful to read.
We are given some insight into Portia’s life however this does not read like your standard memoir, focusing almost exclusively on her eating disorder and shying away from any real understanding of her career or personal relationships. In a vague sense we learn of Portia’s childhood in Australia, her early modeling days, first marriage in Los Angeles and almost invisible, worthless feelings associated with Ally McBeal. The only behind the scenes we get there are regarding her fittings and the size of her power suits. Portia’s sexuality is discussed but again vaguely, mainly it’s as a fear of being exposed and her confusion living life as a closeted gay woman.
Throughout we get the feeling that Portia doesn’t feel she deserves anything, to say she has low self esteem would be an understatement, she has no self esteem. She is lonely, obsessed with food and calorie counting and her only real relationship is with her treadmill. Basing any happiness on losing weight, because everything will be perfect if she can just lose 5-10-15 lbs. As a warning; at the height of her disease this begins to read a bit like a how-to-guide for the anorexic and I would bare this in mind if you’re at all going to be using this book as a form of recovery tool.
During one Christmas Portia hits her lowest weight. At 82 lbs she’s consuming just 300 calories a day. She knows she’s too thin, she’s hiding her bony arms and her family is crying at the sight of her however she no longer knows how to eat, food scares her and she’s afraid of going back to the binging/purging and self hatred.
Eventually on a movie set DeRossi’s body can longer take the abuse; she’s sick, exhausted and her bones ache. She has also developed osteoporosis and lupus and has to start eating. Portia’s recovery process here is insightful, uplifting and beautifully done and I really wish her the best. Cheers
This was the scariest passage for me;
“I hadn’t eaten for many hours and my calorie count was fairly low that day, I would allow myself to have a piece of Extra chewing gum. I always allowed myself to have gum, but at 5 calories a stick, I had to add it to my daily calorie allowance because it was these kinds of unrecorded calories that could build up and cause you to gain weight.”
-Portia proceeds to “pig out” in a self described “frenzied feeding.” Consuming the entire pack of gum in a matter of minutes. Then filled with guilt over what she’s done and terrified she’ll gain weight again she begins running sprints (in high heels) across the mall parking lot, in a desperate attempt to rid her body of the calories (from the gum!) and maintain control.
November 25, 2012
Before I begin my review of this book, I want to share the story of the first and last time I forced myself to throw up. While this doesn’t relate exactly to Unbearable Lightness, it sheds light on why I empathize so much with Portia De Rossi and what she went through. Skip down a few paragraphs if you wish.
In my first few years of adolescence, I always felt lost. I was born gay in a society where the word faggot is tossed around like footballs are thrown on Sunday, born homosexual in a world where my own mother prefers me dead than happy with a man. I couldn’t change any of this – all I thought I could do was struggle through school and maybe make a friend or two.
Couple that with the need to be above average. Getting good grades wasn’t satisfying enough, so I controlled and obsessed about the simplest, most natural thing: my body. Society couldn’t make a law about being too skinny or too fat. I was never dangerously underweight, but I loved to teeter at the edge. At the edge, I felt accomplished, not average. Here’s a quote from the book where she discusses “average”:
“Average. It was the worst, most disgusting word in the English language. Nothing meaningful or worthwhile ever came from that word. An average person doesn’t cure cancer, win Olympic medals, or become a movie star. What kind of a boring, uninspired life was I going to live if I was thought of as ‘average’ in any category? My brother could not have levied a greater insult than calling me average with the exception of ‘normal,’ ordinary,’ and ‘mediocre’.”
But I stopped. Like Portia, I found other ways to express my emotions and take control of my surroundings. Part of this was due to when I forced myself to throw up with two fingers down my throat. I don’t recall the circumstances of the incident too well, but I remember the horrid pain – the pounding sensation beating across my skull, and the feeling of acid burning in my mouth. Of course transition from unhealthy to healthy was a gradual process that involved much more self-discovery than just that, but that’s one moment I can clearly recall.
My struggle isn’t even an eighth of what De Rossi went through in Unbearable Lightness. In the book, she details her draining yo-yo diet, her multiple episodes of binging and bulimia, and how she nearly lost it all after whittling herself down to a mere 82 pounds. Her struggle to meet the expectations placed upon her by herself and her Hollywood circle was horrifying – thankfully, she also shares the story of her uplifting recovery, and her heartwarming romance with Ellen DeGeneres.
De Rossi’s writing wasn’t perfect. A better editor could have eliminated the few typos and unattractive sentences I saw. But none of that mattered, because her honesty and how she made her sickening struggle relatable won me over. I cringed, I sighed, and I nearly cried in the middle of a shoe store. She can actually write pretty well, as there are several powerful quotes I noted while reading. Here’s one that describes her insecurity and her distrust during her battle with anorexia:
“All the words Ann used were euphemisms for fat. Normal just meant that I was fat. Since when did anyone ever go to the doctor’s and feel good about being in the weight range that’s considered normal? A normal size for women in this country is a size 12. Models aren’t ‘normal.’ Actresses aren’t ‘normal.’ She may as well have told me that I’d just embarrassed myself in front of 15 million people.”
I suppose the real reason I love this book is because I can empathize with it so much. Ellen was right when she said that it would help a lot of people. No, I don’t know what it’s like to keep track of every calorie I eat or to starve myself to the point of collapse. But it’s wonderful to know that someone else – someone successful, gay, and happily married – survived it all and is still doing much more.
*review cross-posted on my blog, the quiet voice.
In my first few years of adolescence, I always felt lost. I was born gay in a society where the word faggot is tossed around like footballs are thrown on Sunday, born homosexual in a world where my own mother prefers me dead than happy with a man. I couldn’t change any of this – all I thought I could do was struggle through school and maybe make a friend or two.
Couple that with the need to be above average. Getting good grades wasn’t satisfying enough, so I controlled and obsessed about the simplest, most natural thing: my body. Society couldn’t make a law about being too skinny or too fat. I was never dangerously underweight, but I loved to teeter at the edge. At the edge, I felt accomplished, not average. Here’s a quote from the book where she discusses “average”:
“Average. It was the worst, most disgusting word in the English language. Nothing meaningful or worthwhile ever came from that word. An average person doesn’t cure cancer, win Olympic medals, or become a movie star. What kind of a boring, uninspired life was I going to live if I was thought of as ‘average’ in any category? My brother could not have levied a greater insult than calling me average with the exception of ‘normal,’ ordinary,’ and ‘mediocre’.”
But I stopped. Like Portia, I found other ways to express my emotions and take control of my surroundings. Part of this was due to when I forced myself to throw up with two fingers down my throat. I don’t recall the circumstances of the incident too well, but I remember the horrid pain – the pounding sensation beating across my skull, and the feeling of acid burning in my mouth. Of course transition from unhealthy to healthy was a gradual process that involved much more self-discovery than just that, but that’s one moment I can clearly recall.
My struggle isn’t even an eighth of what De Rossi went through in Unbearable Lightness. In the book, she details her draining yo-yo diet, her multiple episodes of binging and bulimia, and how she nearly lost it all after whittling herself down to a mere 82 pounds. Her struggle to meet the expectations placed upon her by herself and her Hollywood circle was horrifying – thankfully, she also shares the story of her uplifting recovery, and her heartwarming romance with Ellen DeGeneres.
De Rossi’s writing wasn’t perfect. A better editor could have eliminated the few typos and unattractive sentences I saw. But none of that mattered, because her honesty and how she made her sickening struggle relatable won me over. I cringed, I sighed, and I nearly cried in the middle of a shoe store. She can actually write pretty well, as there are several powerful quotes I noted while reading. Here’s one that describes her insecurity and her distrust during her battle with anorexia:
“All the words Ann used were euphemisms for fat. Normal just meant that I was fat. Since when did anyone ever go to the doctor’s and feel good about being in the weight range that’s considered normal? A normal size for women in this country is a size 12. Models aren’t ‘normal.’ Actresses aren’t ‘normal.’ She may as well have told me that I’d just embarrassed myself in front of 15 million people.”
I suppose the real reason I love this book is because I can empathize with it so much. Ellen was right when she said that it would help a lot of people. No, I don’t know what it’s like to keep track of every calorie I eat or to starve myself to the point of collapse. But it’s wonderful to know that someone else – someone successful, gay, and happily married – survived it all and is still doing much more.
*review cross-posted on my blog, the quiet voice.
December 13, 2010
i wish i knew the conditions of the publishing of this book. it is so obvious that the book could have been much, much better with just some editing (even just some basic copy-editing would have made a difference!). the hand of a loving editor could have made it so much stronger, it's a real shame this hand wasn't given much, or any, play.
the first part, which is focused on portia's bingeing, is sloppy. the second part, where she describes the time in her life when she got a grip on the bingeing and began the serious process of being a bone fide anorexic, is fascinating and heart-rending. portia represents very well the interdependence of control, lack of control, self-deception, compulsion, obsession and self-hatred that make this condition so damn difficult to heal. she also hints, maybe unwillingly, to some of the dynamics that took her to her massive lack of self-confidence and her tremendous self-hatred. at some point, in one brief passage, she fingers her father as the obvious culprit, but the book makes abundantly clear that the relation between portia and her mother is not a little problematic.
the second part, therefore, is the best and most readable. i think one could simply skip the first and start there. this is not to say it could not have used editing, too.
at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written. it must have been tough. in spite of her obvious weaknesses, this woman is a marvel of strength, talent, and resilience. i don't know many people who can go through complete subjugation to a deathly eating disorder while keeping down a high-visibility job, survive and manage to create meaningful relationships, and sit down to write a 300 page book about it all. just wow.
i read this because i was wondering whether to teach it. it's a good representation of what an eating disorder is, but ultimately, in spite of portia's best efforts, it still proclaims the gospel of thinness. i like that portia points out that all of us have a basic weight we'll naturally gravitate around if things are pretty decent for us and we don't eat crazily, but i am sorry she didn't say that, for some people, this weight is not 130 lb. for some people it's 180 lb, and that's okay too. i wish she had said this.
we owe so much to ellen. she kicked down a glass closet that was literally killing women. i am happy that portia and ellen found each other.
maybe i will teach the second half of this book. i'm not sure i'll teach the epilogue, though. i want kids to feel okay about being heavier than 130 lb.
the first part, which is focused on portia's bingeing, is sloppy. the second part, where she describes the time in her life when she got a grip on the bingeing and began the serious process of being a bone fide anorexic, is fascinating and heart-rending. portia represents very well the interdependence of control, lack of control, self-deception, compulsion, obsession and self-hatred that make this condition so damn difficult to heal. she also hints, maybe unwillingly, to some of the dynamics that took her to her massive lack of self-confidence and her tremendous self-hatred. at some point, in one brief passage, she fingers her father as the obvious culprit, but the book makes abundantly clear that the relation between portia and her mother is not a little problematic.
the second part, therefore, is the best and most readable. i think one could simply skip the first and start there. this is not to say it could not have used editing, too.
at the end of the day, it's just remarkable that this book got written. it must have been tough. in spite of her obvious weaknesses, this woman is a marvel of strength, talent, and resilience. i don't know many people who can go through complete subjugation to a deathly eating disorder while keeping down a high-visibility job, survive and manage to create meaningful relationships, and sit down to write a 300 page book about it all. just wow.
i read this because i was wondering whether to teach it. it's a good representation of what an eating disorder is, but ultimately, in spite of portia's best efforts, it still proclaims the gospel of thinness. i like that portia points out that all of us have a basic weight we'll naturally gravitate around if things are pretty decent for us and we don't eat crazily, but i am sorry she didn't say that, for some people, this weight is not 130 lb. for some people it's 180 lb, and that's okay too. i wish she had said this.
we owe so much to ellen. she kicked down a glass closet that was literally killing women. i am happy that portia and ellen found each other.
maybe i will teach the second half of this book. i'm not sure i'll teach the epilogue, though. i want kids to feel okay about being heavier than 130 lb.
January 22, 2011
There are two reasons to write a book like this when you are stricken with a psychological illness like anorexia:
1) as therapy, to catalog the dark places you went, so that you can take it out once in a while and reread it to remind yourself of those dark places so that you never let yourself go there again
b) to give help and hope to those who are struggling with the same illness you vanquished.
Here's the thing though: if you're doing a), you don't publish it. If you're doing b), you publish it but you have to focus (at least) in equal parts on the illness and on the process of getting better. This is the part Portia got wrong.
The vast majority of the book is devoted to the details recitations on her "success" as an anorexic. To me, it reads like a user's manual to the disease. And she devotes very little time to the hard work of how she got better. This is, at best, irresponsible. If Portia is under the delusion that this book is "helping" people, I have news for her.
1) as therapy, to catalog the dark places you went, so that you can take it out once in a while and reread it to remind yourself of those dark places so that you never let yourself go there again
b) to give help and hope to those who are struggling with the same illness you vanquished.
Here's the thing though: if you're doing a), you don't publish it. If you're doing b), you publish it but you have to focus (at least) in equal parts on the illness and on the process of getting better. This is the part Portia got wrong.
The vast majority of the book is devoted to the details recitations on her "success" as an anorexic. To me, it reads like a user's manual to the disease. And she devotes very little time to the hard work of how she got better. This is, at best, irresponsible. If Portia is under the delusion that this book is "helping" people, I have news for her.
March 1, 2016
Update to give another star, now that I've finished it.
The book could have used a little better editing, but the writing is intelligent. Writing level is not the point, here, though. The goal was not literature, but to send a message, and this she accomplishes very well.
It was, to me, a very powerful book and something I really strongly feel should be read by anyone going through a diet or appearance struggle. Especially the end of the book and epilogue. If you skim everything else, at least sit yourself down and read that part carefully.
There were parts of the book itself that had me a little emotional, but the way the narrative closed choked me up. I had wondered that she'd chosen not to add pictures to the text, but I felt that her overlying message is that chasing appearances is a fool's errand. There are pictures, however, and the way she chooses to employ images here, is wonderfully intelligent (i.e. don't flip ahead).
There are three...no, four...things I took away from this.
I think any adult can make the realization that the glamor of Hollywood life is a facade that thinly stretches over, and doesn't very well cover, the bones of big business. Looking at celebrity rags and gossip, it is good to remember that each person is just a person who is working at a career and that career hinges on presenting the appearance of perfection, regardless of the state of "what lies beneath."
This should have long been obvious with Marilyn, but often needs reiterating. We perpetuate the creation of a myth, to afford ourselves conversation, escape, and entertainment.
While I support the concept of entertainment, "culture," and escape. I do not support the idea of taking the actor/actress/model/celebrity out of their career and deifying them as perfection, or tearing them down for their imperfections. I think Brittany Murphy's death brought me a little further around on this perspective, as I'd "hated" her as an actress and didn't like to see her on screen, then found myself humbled to discover much about her after her death that made me sympathize, empathize and understand a little better. I realized I was judging instead of really seeing, and it made me step back and reconsider my reactions and thoughts on any "celebrity."
I also believe that jerks should not be glorified for the sake of their celebrity status, despite their misdeeds. Just to clarify.
Portia's book peels back the facade again to remind us that under the cardboard, there's rot. I long ago realized that, instead of feeling jealous and bitter that I hadn't done anything exciting or fantastic enough to become famous, celebrity is more of a burden than it is a blessing; rather than dismissing the sour grapes out of bitterness, I can pass them over with relief that, thank god, that is not a life I have to live.
It's an interesting perspective shift, if not exactly a huge epiphany. I'm sure many others are much further along in their personal growth than I am, but I was gratified to experience that insight instead of craving a life that would not suit me, or attempting to live vicariously through someone else.
So there's that.
I've been dieting for a year now, watching my weight, and worrying and stressing over what I eat, how I plan my meals and trying to be very careful in my habits. I understood and related too well to what she expressed about having to adhere to her routine come hell or high water, and the threat to that routine being very anxiety inducing. I understand the thrill of feeling powerful when you meet a weight goal, like you've unpeeled some new layer to a new "you" underneath. I've said repeatedly that I couldn't wait to see "who I am" at the end of my journey, and I realize now this is an unhealthy way to think.
I also understand the fear of eating one thing and thinking it will cause an unstoppable downward spiral. I never want to weigh 205 pounds again. I am horrified and terrified of returning to that place and vehement about preventing it.
Reading this, I could see she'd taken many good weight loss strategies and ideas and had turned them self-destructive in taking them totally over the top. You follow along the gradual slide downhill as she "fine tunes" those things to the point they become ridiculous and "crazy." While I was sitting there reading and amazed as she did various nutty things, I could easily see how it could happen. I understand and relate to anxiety instigating absurd behavior that is not immediately obvious to the 'driver' but clear to everyone else around them. I can't say how many times I've done something completely wacky, in the midst of an anxiety attack, that seemed totally normal at the time.
Her message of disordered vs. ordered eating therefore was a sharp reminder to me to re-visit my motivations for my own weight loss, and to take a closer look at the healthy and unhealthy thoughts and ideas behind it. I think that there are a good number of things that I am doing that are positive. I think I have a healthy goal, but, it bears examination.
I really liked her points on the concept of "diet and exercise" being almost blasphemy in her head, now, and that instead there are activities that nurture our spirit AND body that we can partake in that help maintain healthy weights rather than pushing ourselves to perform an action mindlessly and solely for the sake of weight loss. It makes me better able to separate what I am doing that is actively helping me in my own quest for self-acceptance and happiness, vs. those things that are simply mindless tasks that I would have to force myself to do, and would not, ultimately, find very rewarding. I loved her insight that the most rewarding "exercise" for her was to take up something that required her to learn a skill, so her focus was on getting better at that skill vs. just getting "thinner." Ah, there's the key. Aim for growth, not detraction. Build the positive, rather than focusing on the negative. I read that and thought "good girl!" because, it is an intelligent way to choose to live your life, regardless of who you are, where you're from, or what your circumstances.
I read her message about her sexuality, and her attempt to fit into a mold. She comments that she wasn't butch or feminine, but somewhere in between, and was as much an oddball in the gay world as she was in the straight. Trying to fit one mold or the other was disingenuous and unhealthy both to herself and the person on the other side of a relationship.
I understand this very well. I have always been in that in-between place between masculine and feminine. Not a total tomboy, definitely not an ultra feminine girl. Trying to fit into either mold in my life has left me awkward and confused, rather than at ease in my own skin. While I've known logically the truth in what she says, and have been striving to better fit into my own sense of self, reading it struck a chord & relaxed something I'd hidden away within. It was nice to read the words of someone who has had the same issue, confronted it and resolved it. I don't look at Portia de Rossi and see a stereotype, and so, in my secret heart of hearts, I'm happy to know that I could stand apart from them, myself, with the personal commitment to not let myself fall for the idea that I must be pigeonholed into a "category."
I think many of us secretly seek out categories within which to define ourselves, as a mis-guided attempt at finding a society to belong to. We join a club, or participate in a group, hoping to be one of that group and belong, only to find we don't quite fit that mold. We agonize when we don't "fit in" with others, not realizing we are seeking a common ground and simple communion with fellow humans.
Rather than having the strength of mind and self-esteem to define our own guidelines and terms for identity, which, counter to our fears about such things, ultimately DRAWS what you desire to you, we agonize over the detracting qualities or lack of some THING that we should have to fit. And issues like this ^ arise, self esteem flounders, and we struggle, instead of blossoming into the freedom of accepting who we are and loving ourselves as-is. Her message is not just about acceptance, but to stop *chasing* after it. As long as you're running after something else, you can't stop, breathe, relax, and let everything catch up to you. And it certainly does, in time.
There's no point in mourning the fact that I didn't realize this years ago. It is better late than never, and I'm thankful this book sparked my curiosity to read it and bring those realizations about. I assume that this is exactly what she hoped for in sharing her struggle.
So, mission accomplished.
Good book. Might not be 5 stars for someone else, but it is for me.
:)
The book could have used a little better editing, but the writing is intelligent. Writing level is not the point, here, though. The goal was not literature, but to send a message, and this she accomplishes very well.
It was, to me, a very powerful book and something I really strongly feel should be read by anyone going through a diet or appearance struggle. Especially the end of the book and epilogue. If you skim everything else, at least sit yourself down and read that part carefully.
There were parts of the book itself that had me a little emotional, but the way the narrative closed choked me up. I had wondered that she'd chosen not to add pictures to the text, but I felt that her overlying message is that chasing appearances is a fool's errand. There are pictures, however, and the way she chooses to employ images here, is wonderfully intelligent (i.e. don't flip ahead).
There are three...no, four...things I took away from this.
I think any adult can make the realization that the glamor of Hollywood life is a facade that thinly stretches over, and doesn't very well cover, the bones of big business. Looking at celebrity rags and gossip, it is good to remember that each person is just a person who is working at a career and that career hinges on presenting the appearance of perfection, regardless of the state of "what lies beneath."
This should have long been obvious with Marilyn, but often needs reiterating. We perpetuate the creation of a myth, to afford ourselves conversation, escape, and entertainment.
While I support the concept of entertainment, "culture," and escape. I do not support the idea of taking the actor/actress/model/celebrity out of their career and deifying them as perfection, or tearing them down for their imperfections. I think Brittany Murphy's death brought me a little further around on this perspective, as I'd "hated" her as an actress and didn't like to see her on screen, then found myself humbled to discover much about her after her death that made me sympathize, empathize and understand a little better. I realized I was judging instead of really seeing, and it made me step back and reconsider my reactions and thoughts on any "celebrity."
I also believe that jerks should not be glorified for the sake of their celebrity status, despite their misdeeds. Just to clarify.
Portia's book peels back the facade again to remind us that under the cardboard, there's rot. I long ago realized that, instead of feeling jealous and bitter that I hadn't done anything exciting or fantastic enough to become famous, celebrity is more of a burden than it is a blessing; rather than dismissing the sour grapes out of bitterness, I can pass them over with relief that, thank god, that is not a life I have to live.
It's an interesting perspective shift, if not exactly a huge epiphany. I'm sure many others are much further along in their personal growth than I am, but I was gratified to experience that insight instead of craving a life that would not suit me, or attempting to live vicariously through someone else.
So there's that.
I've been dieting for a year now, watching my weight, and worrying and stressing over what I eat, how I plan my meals and trying to be very careful in my habits. I understood and related too well to what she expressed about having to adhere to her routine come hell or high water, and the threat to that routine being very anxiety inducing. I understand the thrill of feeling powerful when you meet a weight goal, like you've unpeeled some new layer to a new "you" underneath. I've said repeatedly that I couldn't wait to see "who I am" at the end of my journey, and I realize now this is an unhealthy way to think.
I also understand the fear of eating one thing and thinking it will cause an unstoppable downward spiral. I never want to weigh 205 pounds again. I am horrified and terrified of returning to that place and vehement about preventing it.
Reading this, I could see she'd taken many good weight loss strategies and ideas and had turned them self-destructive in taking them totally over the top. You follow along the gradual slide downhill as she "fine tunes" those things to the point they become ridiculous and "crazy." While I was sitting there reading and amazed as she did various nutty things, I could easily see how it could happen. I understand and relate to anxiety instigating absurd behavior that is not immediately obvious to the 'driver' but clear to everyone else around them. I can't say how many times I've done something completely wacky, in the midst of an anxiety attack, that seemed totally normal at the time.
Her message of disordered vs. ordered eating therefore was a sharp reminder to me to re-visit my motivations for my own weight loss, and to take a closer look at the healthy and unhealthy thoughts and ideas behind it. I think that there are a good number of things that I am doing that are positive. I think I have a healthy goal, but, it bears examination.
I really liked her points on the concept of "diet and exercise" being almost blasphemy in her head, now, and that instead there are activities that nurture our spirit AND body that we can partake in that help maintain healthy weights rather than pushing ourselves to perform an action mindlessly and solely for the sake of weight loss. It makes me better able to separate what I am doing that is actively helping me in my own quest for self-acceptance and happiness, vs. those things that are simply mindless tasks that I would have to force myself to do, and would not, ultimately, find very rewarding. I loved her insight that the most rewarding "exercise" for her was to take up something that required her to learn a skill, so her focus was on getting better at that skill vs. just getting "thinner." Ah, there's the key. Aim for growth, not detraction. Build the positive, rather than focusing on the negative. I read that and thought "good girl!" because, it is an intelligent way to choose to live your life, regardless of who you are, where you're from, or what your circumstances.
I read her message about her sexuality, and her attempt to fit into a mold. She comments that she wasn't butch or feminine, but somewhere in between, and was as much an oddball in the gay world as she was in the straight. Trying to fit one mold or the other was disingenuous and unhealthy both to herself and the person on the other side of a relationship.
I understand this very well. I have always been in that in-between place between masculine and feminine. Not a total tomboy, definitely not an ultra feminine girl. Trying to fit into either mold in my life has left me awkward and confused, rather than at ease in my own skin. While I've known logically the truth in what she says, and have been striving to better fit into my own sense of self, reading it struck a chord & relaxed something I'd hidden away within. It was nice to read the words of someone who has had the same issue, confronted it and resolved it. I don't look at Portia de Rossi and see a stereotype, and so, in my secret heart of hearts, I'm happy to know that I could stand apart from them, myself, with the personal commitment to not let myself fall for the idea that I must be pigeonholed into a "category."
I think many of us secretly seek out categories within which to define ourselves, as a mis-guided attempt at finding a society to belong to. We join a club, or participate in a group, hoping to be one of that group and belong, only to find we don't quite fit that mold. We agonize when we don't "fit in" with others, not realizing we are seeking a common ground and simple communion with fellow humans.
Rather than having the strength of mind and self-esteem to define our own guidelines and terms for identity, which, counter to our fears about such things, ultimately DRAWS what you desire to you, we agonize over the detracting qualities or lack of some THING that we should have to fit. And issues like this ^ arise, self esteem flounders, and we struggle, instead of blossoming into the freedom of accepting who we are and loving ourselves as-is. Her message is not just about acceptance, but to stop *chasing* after it. As long as you're running after something else, you can't stop, breathe, relax, and let everything catch up to you. And it certainly does, in time.
There's no point in mourning the fact that I didn't realize this years ago. It is better late than never, and I'm thankful this book sparked my curiosity to read it and bring those realizations about. I assume that this is exactly what she hoped for in sharing her struggle.
So, mission accomplished.
Good book. Might not be 5 stars for someone else, but it is for me.
:)
December 26, 2018
I hope I can do justice to this book in my review. If you read the Goodreads blurb, you already know what the book is about, so, I'll restrict my comments to my own thoughts, and feelings.
This is not your usual memoir by someone who used to be anoxeric. She's not an immature teenager, she's an intelligent, introspective adult woman. She writes with skill, drawing you into her world, making you see and feel what she saw and felt.
As Portia walked us through her life she not only made it crystal clear how distorted an anoxeric's self perception truly is, she has also shown us how ANY eating disorder makes a person feel. Whether you're eating too little .. or too much. Either way, your concept of your life in relation to food isn't based in reality, isn't logical, and is so compulsive you can't see the error of your ways. You just keep on doing all the wrong things, thinking all the distorted thoughts, and eating in all the wrong ways, day after day after day .. year after year. The seemingly endless conversations with yourself about food is enough to send anyone 'round the bend. It never ends because 'you' are always talking to 'yourself' inside your head .. about food.
I'm going to include an excerpt here, and then I'll continue with my comments after you've read Portia's words.
"It's time to face last night. It was yogurt night, when I get my yogurt ready for the week. It's a dangerous night because there's always a chance of disaster when I allow myself to handle a lot of food at one time. But I had no indication that I was going to be in danger. I had eaten my 60-calorie portion of tuna normally, using chopsticks and allowing each bite of canned fish to be only the height and width of the tips of the chopsticks themselves. After dinner, I smoked cigarettes to allow myself the time I needed to digest the tuna properly and to feel the sensation of fullness. I went to the kitchen feeling no anxiety as I took out the tools I needed to perform the weekly operation: the kitchen scale, eight small plastic containers, one blue mixing bowl, Splenda, my measuring spoon, and my fork. I took the plain yogurt out of the fridge and, using the kitchen scale, divided it among the plastic containers adding one half teaspoon of Splenda to each portion. When I was satisfied that each portion weighed exactly two ounces, I then strategically hid the containers in the top section of the freezer behind ice-crusted plastic bags of old frozen vegetables so the yogurt wouldn't be the first thing I saw when I opened the freezer door.
Nothing abnormal so far.
With that, I went back to the sofa and allowed some time to pass. I knew that the thirty minutes it takes for the yogurt to reach the perfect consistency of a Dairy Queen wasn't up, and that checking in on it was an abnormality, but that's exactly what I did. I walked into the kitchen, I opened the freezer, and I looked at it. And I didn't just look at the portion I was supposed to eat. I looked at all of it.
I slammed the freezer door shut and went back to the living room. I sat on the dark green vinyl sofa facing the kitchen and smoked four cigarettes in a row to try to take away the urge for that icy-cold sweetness, because only when I stopped wanting it would I allow myself to have it. I didn't take my eyes off the freezer the whole time I sat smoking, just in case my mind had tricked me into thinking I was smoking when I was actually at that freezer bingeing. Staring at the door was the only way I could be certain that I wasn't opening it. By now the thirty minutes had definitely passed and it was time to eat my portion. I knew the best thing for me in that moment would be to abstain altogether, because eating one portion was the equivalent of an alcoholic being challenged to have one drink. But my overriding fear was that the pendulum would swing to the other extreme if I skipped a night. I've learned that overindulging the next day to make up for the 100 calories in the "minus" column from the day before is a certainty.
I took out my one allotted portion at 8:05 and mashed it with a fork until it reached the perfect consistency. But instead of sitting on the sofa savoring every taste in my white bowl with green flowers, using the fork to bring it to my mouth, I ate the yogurt from the plastic container over the kitchen sink with a teaspoon. I ate it fast. The deviation from the routine, the substitution of the tools, the speediness with which I ate silenced the drill sergeant and created an opening that invited in the thoughts I'm most afraid of--thoughts created by an evil force disguising itself as logic, poised to manipulate me with common sense. Reward yourself. You ate nothing at lunch. Normal people eat four times this amount and still lose weight. It's only yogurt. Do it. You deserve it.
Before I knew it, I was on the kitchen floor cradling the plastic Tupperware containing Tuesday's portion in the palm of my left hand, my right hand thumb and index finger stabbing into the icy crust. I ran my numb, yogurt-covered fingers across my lips and sucked them clean before diving into the container for more. As my fingers traveled back and forth from the container to my mouth, I didn't have a thought in my head. The repetition of the action lulled the relentless chatter into quiet meditation. I didn't want this trancelike state to end, and so when the first container was done, I got up off the floor and grabbed Wednesday's yogurt before my brain could process that it was still only Monday. By the time I came back to my senses, I had eaten six ounces of yogurt."
If you've ever had any kind of eating problem .. whether you're anoxeric or obese .. you've done this. Admit it. You have. You know exactly how Portia felt every second. Every second. You've felt the power of food ... over you, over your sanity, over your will ... crushing you.
That is what makes Portia's book so good. She can take that inner hell and put it into words on a page. Words that make sense. Words that completely convey the sheer torment of that life.
She, of course, talks about being gay .. being in the closet, being denied access to a loving relationship for fear of repercussions, being so alone.
She also talks about what drove her to eat again, and what life was like then .. not all that smooth .. food was still an out-of-control element in her life. She had to learn to think about food in a SANE manner. Sane food thoughts. Thousands of people strive to have those every day. More people than you could ever imagine would dearly love to have SANE FOOD THOUGHTS. Again, she is adept at sharing this new struggle with her readers.
After reading this book, I had a very honest talk with my husband .. about myself .. about things I try to 'hide' from him .. although I was never truly successful in that, as he informed me. Portia said, "It's ironic, really, when all I've ever wanted is to be loved for my true self, and yet I tried so hard to present myself as anything other than who I am." In talking about Ellen, her spouse, she said, "She would force me to live a truthful, honest life, to be exactly who I am with no pretence." And, so, I told my husband that I needed to live without pretence, to be accepted exactly as I am .. to stop feeling ashamed .. to start feeling like ME. Of course, he let me know that he accepts me, and always has. It is inside my own head wherein the problem lies. But thanks to Portia's book, I've cracked open my skull, and shone a ray of light inside. Here's to many more! Here's to SANE FOOD THOUGHTS! May we all be blessed with them.
Why did I tell you about my personal life? Every once in awhile a book reaches into our lives and actually CHANGES us. This book did that for me. Which means, it was a damn good book! :)
If you've read all of this, I thank you. May your kindness in taking the time to share my world, be returned to you a thousandfold.
5 Stars = It made a significant impact.
This is not your usual memoir by someone who used to be anoxeric. She's not an immature teenager, she's an intelligent, introspective adult woman. She writes with skill, drawing you into her world, making you see and feel what she saw and felt.
As Portia walked us through her life she not only made it crystal clear how distorted an anoxeric's self perception truly is, she has also shown us how ANY eating disorder makes a person feel. Whether you're eating too little .. or too much. Either way, your concept of your life in relation to food isn't based in reality, isn't logical, and is so compulsive you can't see the error of your ways. You just keep on doing all the wrong things, thinking all the distorted thoughts, and eating in all the wrong ways, day after day after day .. year after year. The seemingly endless conversations with yourself about food is enough to send anyone 'round the bend. It never ends because 'you' are always talking to 'yourself' inside your head .. about food.
I'm going to include an excerpt here, and then I'll continue with my comments after you've read Portia's words.
"It's time to face last night. It was yogurt night, when I get my yogurt ready for the week. It's a dangerous night because there's always a chance of disaster when I allow myself to handle a lot of food at one time. But I had no indication that I was going to be in danger. I had eaten my 60-calorie portion of tuna normally, using chopsticks and allowing each bite of canned fish to be only the height and width of the tips of the chopsticks themselves. After dinner, I smoked cigarettes to allow myself the time I needed to digest the tuna properly and to feel the sensation of fullness. I went to the kitchen feeling no anxiety as I took out the tools I needed to perform the weekly operation: the kitchen scale, eight small plastic containers, one blue mixing bowl, Splenda, my measuring spoon, and my fork. I took the plain yogurt out of the fridge and, using the kitchen scale, divided it among the plastic containers adding one half teaspoon of Splenda to each portion. When I was satisfied that each portion weighed exactly two ounces, I then strategically hid the containers in the top section of the freezer behind ice-crusted plastic bags of old frozen vegetables so the yogurt wouldn't be the first thing I saw when I opened the freezer door.
Nothing abnormal so far.
With that, I went back to the sofa and allowed some time to pass. I knew that the thirty minutes it takes for the yogurt to reach the perfect consistency of a Dairy Queen wasn't up, and that checking in on it was an abnormality, but that's exactly what I did. I walked into the kitchen, I opened the freezer, and I looked at it. And I didn't just look at the portion I was supposed to eat. I looked at all of it.
I slammed the freezer door shut and went back to the living room. I sat on the dark green vinyl sofa facing the kitchen and smoked four cigarettes in a row to try to take away the urge for that icy-cold sweetness, because only when I stopped wanting it would I allow myself to have it. I didn't take my eyes off the freezer the whole time I sat smoking, just in case my mind had tricked me into thinking I was smoking when I was actually at that freezer bingeing. Staring at the door was the only way I could be certain that I wasn't opening it. By now the thirty minutes had definitely passed and it was time to eat my portion. I knew the best thing for me in that moment would be to abstain altogether, because eating one portion was the equivalent of an alcoholic being challenged to have one drink. But my overriding fear was that the pendulum would swing to the other extreme if I skipped a night. I've learned that overindulging the next day to make up for the 100 calories in the "minus" column from the day before is a certainty.
I took out my one allotted portion at 8:05 and mashed it with a fork until it reached the perfect consistency. But instead of sitting on the sofa savoring every taste in my white bowl with green flowers, using the fork to bring it to my mouth, I ate the yogurt from the plastic container over the kitchen sink with a teaspoon. I ate it fast. The deviation from the routine, the substitution of the tools, the speediness with which I ate silenced the drill sergeant and created an opening that invited in the thoughts I'm most afraid of--thoughts created by an evil force disguising itself as logic, poised to manipulate me with common sense. Reward yourself. You ate nothing at lunch. Normal people eat four times this amount and still lose weight. It's only yogurt. Do it. You deserve it.
Before I knew it, I was on the kitchen floor cradling the plastic Tupperware containing Tuesday's portion in the palm of my left hand, my right hand thumb and index finger stabbing into the icy crust. I ran my numb, yogurt-covered fingers across my lips and sucked them clean before diving into the container for more. As my fingers traveled back and forth from the container to my mouth, I didn't have a thought in my head. The repetition of the action lulled the relentless chatter into quiet meditation. I didn't want this trancelike state to end, and so when the first container was done, I got up off the floor and grabbed Wednesday's yogurt before my brain could process that it was still only Monday. By the time I came back to my senses, I had eaten six ounces of yogurt."
If you've ever had any kind of eating problem .. whether you're anoxeric or obese .. you've done this. Admit it. You have. You know exactly how Portia felt every second. Every second. You've felt the power of food ... over you, over your sanity, over your will ... crushing you.
That is what makes Portia's book so good. She can take that inner hell and put it into words on a page. Words that make sense. Words that completely convey the sheer torment of that life.
She, of course, talks about being gay .. being in the closet, being denied access to a loving relationship for fear of repercussions, being so alone.
She also talks about what drove her to eat again, and what life was like then .. not all that smooth .. food was still an out-of-control element in her life. She had to learn to think about food in a SANE manner. Sane food thoughts. Thousands of people strive to have those every day. More people than you could ever imagine would dearly love to have SANE FOOD THOUGHTS. Again, she is adept at sharing this new struggle with her readers.
After reading this book, I had a very honest talk with my husband .. about myself .. about things I try to 'hide' from him .. although I was never truly successful in that, as he informed me. Portia said, "It's ironic, really, when all I've ever wanted is to be loved for my true self, and yet I tried so hard to present myself as anything other than who I am." In talking about Ellen, her spouse, she said, "She would force me to live a truthful, honest life, to be exactly who I am with no pretence." And, so, I told my husband that I needed to live without pretence, to be accepted exactly as I am .. to stop feeling ashamed .. to start feeling like ME. Of course, he let me know that he accepts me, and always has. It is inside my own head wherein the problem lies. But thanks to Portia's book, I've cracked open my skull, and shone a ray of light inside. Here's to many more! Here's to SANE FOOD THOUGHTS! May we all be blessed with them.
Why did I tell you about my personal life? Every once in awhile a book reaches into our lives and actually CHANGES us. This book did that for me. Which means, it was a damn good book! :)
If you've read all of this, I thank you. May your kindness in taking the time to share my world, be returned to you a thousandfold.
5 Stars = It made a significant impact.
November 2, 2022
A well-written memoir about the author and actors struggle with eating disorder. It was at times hard to read, but it was an honest revelation of her innermost struggles. I would have liked to know even more about her, and that just shows that the book was engaging and interesting.
March 9, 2023
I had read this book many years ago when it first came out. It was a different time and a much more difficult time since Portia de Rossi was just starting to break out in her career when she was on Ally McBeal. That show was about lawyers, but they had to be thin, sexy, and wear very short skirts. It was actually a lonely environment for Portia. She was far away from her hometown in Australia. She was also trying to hide that she was gay. This was at a time when that kind of information would ruin your career.
So, Portia begins to disappear, literally and figuratively. She spends her days driving around finding frozen yogurt with the lowest calories. She becomes obsessed with calories, food, and thinness as an addiction like anorexia will do. She is very tall at 5’10” and at one point weighed less then 90 lbs. Yet, many in Hollywood thought she was ok. This was the expected normal, to be a Size Zero. This helped her just control her weight so she could hide from the difficulties at her job, her difficulties getting her Mother to accept all of her including her sexuality identity, and actually acknowledging it herself. It was a hard journey for her and she struggles for a long time.
Eventually, she meets Ellen DeGeneres and then really has to be out with who she is. She finally gets there and the two marry. It all seems to end well and looking at it now it’s hard to really know. The world has certainly changed and Ellen was able to openly talk about Portia. Yet, the limelight was on her frequently and now I wonder how that has effected her. She seems to prefer to be a private person and loves horses and animals. I hope she is still well and it was nice to read about a time as she comes into herself and seems to recover. She seems to be a sensitive person and really acknowledges how toxic the culture of thinness in Hollywood is.
So, Portia begins to disappear, literally and figuratively. She spends her days driving around finding frozen yogurt with the lowest calories. She becomes obsessed with calories, food, and thinness as an addiction like anorexia will do. She is very tall at 5’10” and at one point weighed less then 90 lbs. Yet, many in Hollywood thought she was ok. This was the expected normal, to be a Size Zero. This helped her just control her weight so she could hide from the difficulties at her job, her difficulties getting her Mother to accept all of her including her sexuality identity, and actually acknowledging it herself. It was a hard journey for her and she struggles for a long time.
Eventually, she meets Ellen DeGeneres and then really has to be out with who she is. She finally gets there and the two marry. It all seems to end well and looking at it now it’s hard to really know. The world has certainly changed and Ellen was able to openly talk about Portia. Yet, the limelight was on her frequently and now I wonder how that has effected her. She seems to prefer to be a private person and loves horses and animals. I hope she is still well and it was nice to read about a time as she comes into herself and seems to recover. She seems to be a sensitive person and really acknowledges how toxic the culture of thinness in Hollywood is.
March 24, 2017
I read this book back when I was about 18 years old and still to this day it has stayed with me. My copy of this book has been in so many hands of people that are closest to me because I just felt like it needed to be read. Looking back.. I think I recommended it so much because I wanted my family and friends to try and understand me a little better. Although I did not relate to all of the same issues Portia dealt with I did find pieces of myself throughout each chapter. If that makes any sense at all. The writing throughout this book could have been a little better but if you put that aside and remember this is a very raw, sad reality that Portia De Rossi articulates so well. I love this book so much and hope some of you will as well (:
May 25, 2011
I've been reading a lot of books about eating. I'm very interested in why we, as a society, can't seem to do it right anymore. (I have this same question in regards to the, um, marital arts but that's a different review.) Why are people freaking out about food? Why is everyone fat? Except for the people who are too thin? What's with them? I'm also particularly interested in eating since having 1) lost a lot of weight almost 10 years ago and 2) having learned that my infant cousin starved to death in the 1970s as a victim of Communism. I don't understand how we relate to food anymore on a societal level and I'm not that comfortable with it on a personal level either.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't love a good celebrity autobiography. Or even a terrible one if it is terrible in the right way. And I'm particularly interested in Portia de Rossi because she's interesting looking (those eyebrows) and she's been on two (prematurely cancelled) shows that I've loved: Arrested Development and Better Off Ted. I'm not really familiar with her from the Ally McBeal years and I take no small amount of pride in never having seen one episode of that show (too busy watching "90210"). I frequently forget that Portia is a lesbian because I'm so tolerant like that and because she has long hair and wears lipstick. But, that's neither here nor there. The combination of beautifully slim celebrity from my favorite TV program and the topic of eating (disordered or otherwise) was an irresistible pairing.
But, I wasn't hopeful after finishing the first chapter. The writing was overwrought and awkward and felt like it had been reworked to death. But, the subject matter, as I've mentioned, is of keen interest to me currently and I've read worse so I forged ahead. Forged ahead to the point where I locked myself in my room this morning so I could finish it without disruption. That didn't happen but it would have been cool if it had worked. While someone (author or editor) may have struggled with the first chapter, the rest is passably written and engaging.
Now, I've never had one moment's concern that I might be anorexic or have an eating disorder but this book - it made me deeply uncomfortable. She has a clever way of describing an inarguably crazy element of her diet/fitness routine that would make you cringe and think, "Girlfriend, that is just sick", and then immediately describe another element of said routine that was more than a little familiar. Worry about "incidental" calories from toothpaste? Crazy. Measure out all of your food all day long. Totally sane. Maybe. Start frantically jumping up and down in front of your whole family because you ate a potato? Crazy. Blurting out to your husband, "I'm just so exhausted from having to watch everything I eat!" Totally sane. Probably. Possibly. Whatever. Don't look at me like that. You have issues too.
I've been overweight. Very overweight. It was a short period of time sandwiched between longer stretches of being fairly lean and athletic, if never really lithe or skinny. It took a lot of discipline to lose that weight and the fear of gaining it back is with me all of the time. In reading this book I recognized that it's a very fine line between watching your weight and staying fit and disordered eating. And it isn't a straight line. You can't walk right along the edge hoping that your balance will keep you from falling over the wrong side. It's a crooked line and if you aren't watching vigilantly you're going to be over the line and not even realize it. Because disordered eating isn't just binging and purging. de Rossi's assessment of what is or isn't disordered eating is interesting but I won't give away the ending. I will just say, for now, that I'm leaning more and more in favor of that definition.
On a related note, I was surprised to learn how much anorexics like food. I'd always assumed that they were able to be anorexic because they didn't really like eating. I've always assumed that my love of eating would keep me safe.
I would have liked to have read more about the environment at "Ally McBeal" because it can't be a coincidence that so many of the principals from the series spent their time there looking emaciated and wild-eyed with hunger. She is very careful about how she speaks about everything and everyone from that time, as if legal had redacted all of the good stuff.
I'll make just one more observation. Eating disorders are often, though not always, related to issues of control. In de Rossi's case this seems to be at least partially to blame. But, where most people would probably assess the issue as the mother having too much passive/aggressive control over the child I will go on record on the side of Portia's mother giving her daughter too much control at too early an age. Portia wanted to be a model and models need to be rail thin so rather than say to her over-achieving daughter, "No. You're not going to start dieting now. You're 12." , de Rossi's mother paid for her to join Jenny Craig. I'm not a big believer in letting kids make their own choices. My kids are going to have an awesome rebellion because they will be among the few children out there with something to actually rebel against.
I'm not going to pretend that I don't love a good celebrity autobiography. Or even a terrible one if it is terrible in the right way. And I'm particularly interested in Portia de Rossi because she's interesting looking (those eyebrows) and she's been on two (prematurely cancelled) shows that I've loved: Arrested Development and Better Off Ted. I'm not really familiar with her from the Ally McBeal years and I take no small amount of pride in never having seen one episode of that show (too busy watching "90210"). I frequently forget that Portia is a lesbian because I'm so tolerant like that and because she has long hair and wears lipstick. But, that's neither here nor there. The combination of beautifully slim celebrity from my favorite TV program and the topic of eating (disordered or otherwise) was an irresistible pairing.
But, I wasn't hopeful after finishing the first chapter. The writing was overwrought and awkward and felt like it had been reworked to death. But, the subject matter, as I've mentioned, is of keen interest to me currently and I've read worse so I forged ahead. Forged ahead to the point where I locked myself in my room this morning so I could finish it without disruption. That didn't happen but it would have been cool if it had worked. While someone (author or editor) may have struggled with the first chapter, the rest is passably written and engaging.
Now, I've never had one moment's concern that I might be anorexic or have an eating disorder but this book - it made me deeply uncomfortable. She has a clever way of describing an inarguably crazy element of her diet/fitness routine that would make you cringe and think, "Girlfriend, that is just sick", and then immediately describe another element of said routine that was more than a little familiar. Worry about "incidental" calories from toothpaste? Crazy. Measure out all of your food all day long. Totally sane. Maybe. Start frantically jumping up and down in front of your whole family because you ate a potato? Crazy. Blurting out to your husband, "I'm just so exhausted from having to watch everything I eat!" Totally sane. Probably. Possibly. Whatever. Don't look at me like that. You have issues too.
I've been overweight. Very overweight. It was a short period of time sandwiched between longer stretches of being fairly lean and athletic, if never really lithe or skinny. It took a lot of discipline to lose that weight and the fear of gaining it back is with me all of the time. In reading this book I recognized that it's a very fine line between watching your weight and staying fit and disordered eating. And it isn't a straight line. You can't walk right along the edge hoping that your balance will keep you from falling over the wrong side. It's a crooked line and if you aren't watching vigilantly you're going to be over the line and not even realize it. Because disordered eating isn't just binging and purging. de Rossi's assessment of what is or isn't disordered eating is interesting but I won't give away the ending. I will just say, for now, that I'm leaning more and more in favor of that definition.
On a related note, I was surprised to learn how much anorexics like food. I'd always assumed that they were able to be anorexic because they didn't really like eating. I've always assumed that my love of eating would keep me safe.
I would have liked to have read more about the environment at "Ally McBeal" because it can't be a coincidence that so many of the principals from the series spent their time there looking emaciated and wild-eyed with hunger. She is very careful about how she speaks about everything and everyone from that time, as if legal had redacted all of the good stuff.
I'll make just one more observation. Eating disorders are often, though not always, related to issues of control. In de Rossi's case this seems to be at least partially to blame. But, where most people would probably assess the issue as the mother having too much passive/aggressive control over the child I will go on record on the side of Portia's mother giving her daughter too much control at too early an age. Portia wanted to be a model and models need to be rail thin so rather than say to her over-achieving daughter, "No. You're not going to start dieting now. You're 12." , de Rossi's mother paid for her to join Jenny Craig. I'm not a big believer in letting kids make their own choices. My kids are going to have an awesome rebellion because they will be among the few children out there with something to actually rebel against.
August 15, 2013
This is a surprisingly good and inspiring story of one woman's struggle with anorexia. I say surprising because I always have low expectations when a celebrity writes a book, but Portia de Rossi's memoir is a notable exception.
Portia's problems could be traced back to when she was a child and realized she was gay. Her mom advised her not to tell anyone, which set off intense feelings of fear, shame, inadequacy and a decades-long eating disorder.
Portia's anorexia intensified when she got an acting job on the 1990s TV show "Ally McBeal," and she was so terrified of being outed as a lesbian that her weight dropped down to 98 pounds. She collapsed, was taken to a hospital and the doctor told her that her body was so malnourished that she was showing signs of osteoporosis, cirrhosis, lupus and that her organs weren't functioning properly.
After this scare, Portia was able to get some treatment and returned to a healthy body weight. She also met her future spouse, Ellen DeGeneres, which boosted her emotional well-being.
The memoir is well-written and details the obsessive thought process that someone with anorexia can have. Portia would have panic attacks over how many calories she ate each day, and then would exercise like crazy to try and work them off. By the end of the book, Portia has figured out a healthy eating plan and no longer torments herself over food.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has struggled with body image or an eating disorder.
Portia's problems could be traced back to when she was a child and realized she was gay. Her mom advised her not to tell anyone, which set off intense feelings of fear, shame, inadequacy and a decades-long eating disorder.
Portia's anorexia intensified when she got an acting job on the 1990s TV show "Ally McBeal," and she was so terrified of being outed as a lesbian that her weight dropped down to 98 pounds. She collapsed, was taken to a hospital and the doctor told her that her body was so malnourished that she was showing signs of osteoporosis, cirrhosis, lupus and that her organs weren't functioning properly.
After this scare, Portia was able to get some treatment and returned to a healthy body weight. She also met her future spouse, Ellen DeGeneres, which boosted her emotional well-being.
The memoir is well-written and details the obsessive thought process that someone with anorexia can have. Portia would have panic attacks over how many calories she ate each day, and then would exercise like crazy to try and work them off. By the end of the book, Portia has figured out a healthy eating plan and no longer torments herself over food.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has struggled with body image or an eating disorder.
March 21, 2023
I've always had a girlcrush on Portia de Rossi, but this book soured me on her. I appreciate her candid honesty and delving so deeply into the nitty gritty of an eating disorder, but she started out spoiled, remarkably selfish, an attention whore, and didn't seem to experience much change or growth. The best part of the book is the end, when she encourages us to "welcome the worst case scenario" into our lives, telling us how her life became beautiful once she did. I do love that concept. But her worst case scenario was getting to 180 pounds. I can't help being unable to empathize with her. THAT'S your worst case scenario?
She imprisoned herself in her own selfish ambition. How much better would her life have been if she would have just thought about someone else every once in awhile? I didn't leave the book feeling inspired and motivated, I left it feeling a bit in awe someone could be that selfish. My girlcrush is disappointed.
She imprisoned herself in her own selfish ambition. How much better would her life have been if she would have just thought about someone else every once in awhile? I didn't leave the book feeling inspired and motivated, I left it feeling a bit in awe someone could be that selfish. My girlcrush is disappointed.
November 22, 2019
Honest, heartbreaking and insanely self-absorbent. Like many celebrity memoirs.
November 17, 2010
Brilliantly written, intense, engaging, and utterly courageous in it's honesty. Portia bears her soul to the world in this book.
This is a story about a lot of things, but first and foremost, it is a story about being afraid.
This is one those books that forces you to examine your perspective. It speaks directly to that voice in the back of your mind that tells you you're not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. Portia's story takes that voice festering in the shadows of your subconscious, drags it out into the light, and, ultimately, tells it to go to hell.
This is a story about a lot of things, but first and foremost, it is a story about being afraid.
This is one those books that forces you to examine your perspective. It speaks directly to that voice in the back of your mind that tells you you're not good enough, strong enough, pretty enough, worthy enough. Portia's story takes that voice festering in the shadows of your subconscious, drags it out into the light, and, ultimately, tells it to go to hell.
September 5, 2012
I don't want to go into all the details of why I thought this book was so important/why I liked it so much but I'll go into the main reasons. To be fair I will first mention that there are a few technical flaws with it, I suppose, in that the tense shifts now and then. I've seen this mentioned and it's true that it spent so much time focused on the sickness and so little on equally detailing the recovery.
But I don't know how to say this other than just saying it: this is a very accurate view of anorexia and bulimia. Too often these things are glamorized or dumbed down for the masses who have never struggled with anything like this or don't know anyone who has, and I think that invites misconceptions.
I personally think this is a really important book to read for anyone who has a loved one who they think might be anorexic or bulimic. I think it might help them understand what could be happening in the mind of their loved one. (Also note: these illnesses can affect men as well and I think that's important to mention, but since this book is about a woman in the rest of the review I'm using a generic woman as an example)
I've come to the conclusion, based on various and disconnected conversations over the years, that there's an assumption on the part of those who have never been around someone who's struggled with an eating disorder or never struggled with it themselves, that the person is just being dramatic, or wants attention, or is doing it to piss everyone else off, or is doing it because secretly she's passing judgment on those around her. It's like people interpret it in all the worst ways they can, making it about themselves and why it pisses them off, with it not even occurring to them that it may actually be that the anorexic/bulimic hates herself. That she's doing it for punishment of herself, because she doesn't see anything good in herself, because she thinks she deserves it, because she doesn't know how else to cope with whatever might have started this, because she thinks it's the only way she can be loved, because once she starts down that path she's afraid of doing anything else.
It's a sickness but it's so often treated like a person's being a whiny attention whore.
I once spoke to someone who is usually overly soft spoken and kind and typically won't say a bad word about anyone. She showed me a picture of her friend and said she's anorexic, and then in a condescending voice with the universal Mocking Actions of bobbing her head back and forth and flapping her hands, outright mocked her friend for it. She said that she was just whining and that she was just trying to get attention and how annoying it was. How it made zero sense for a woman that thin to be so whiny about food so, to the woman I was speaking to, it seemed she felt that clearly this was all just a way to get back at other women around her for being normal sized. To make those normal sized women feel like something was wrong with them.
That is why I give this book 5 stars, because this stuff is serious. This isn't something people do half-heartedly. It's painful and horrific and terrifying and it could literally be fatal. It could cause permanent damage. It's not done to piss off people around her; the woman is probably doing it because she feels compelled despite the pain/fear to continue doing the only thing she knows to do.
She's crying for help, even if she doesn't know it. She isn't doing it to make everyone else insecure. It's her own insecurities for herself driving her. She's probably so wrapped up in herself she hardly even notices what it's doing to everyone else.
And in this world where the media constantly flocks to underweight women and praises them exaggeratedly while simultaneously calling normal weight women ugly, overweight, flabby and disgusting, it's easy to start believing that thinness = beauty, and being skinny = the only way to receive love. But further complicating matters, it's a trend and slow media day away from that same "gorgeous! unbelievably flat belly!" turning into "she's so ugly and too thin! what the hell is wrong with this pathetic woman? she needs to gain some weight!"
The search for perfection will never be met because there is no such thing. There will always be someone who will criticize, and someone who will applaud. The very same topic can garner extreme reactions in opposite directions. Ultimately, a person needs to just be happy as themselves, comfortable as themselves, and that sounds simple but it's really hard, and the best way to get there is through support even though those being supportive can be ignored at first by the person in need. It's hard on everyone but it's the way life is.
That's what this book is about. That's why I liked it.
I also want to note that I actually knew very little about Portia de Rossi before seeing her on a few interviews and liking her there. I was intrigued by discussions of this book and bought it after those interviews. I'm glad I did. I like Portia even more for the courage it must have taken her to write this and release it to the world.
But I don't know how to say this other than just saying it: this is a very accurate view of anorexia and bulimia. Too often these things are glamorized or dumbed down for the masses who have never struggled with anything like this or don't know anyone who has, and I think that invites misconceptions.
I personally think this is a really important book to read for anyone who has a loved one who they think might be anorexic or bulimic. I think it might help them understand what could be happening in the mind of their loved one. (Also note: these illnesses can affect men as well and I think that's important to mention, but since this book is about a woman in the rest of the review I'm using a generic woman as an example)
I've come to the conclusion, based on various and disconnected conversations over the years, that there's an assumption on the part of those who have never been around someone who's struggled with an eating disorder or never struggled with it themselves, that the person is just being dramatic, or wants attention, or is doing it to piss everyone else off, or is doing it because secretly she's passing judgment on those around her. It's like people interpret it in all the worst ways they can, making it about themselves and why it pisses them off, with it not even occurring to them that it may actually be that the anorexic/bulimic hates herself. That she's doing it for punishment of herself, because she doesn't see anything good in herself, because she thinks she deserves it, because she doesn't know how else to cope with whatever might have started this, because she thinks it's the only way she can be loved, because once she starts down that path she's afraid of doing anything else.
It's a sickness but it's so often treated like a person's being a whiny attention whore.
I once spoke to someone who is usually overly soft spoken and kind and typically won't say a bad word about anyone. She showed me a picture of her friend and said she's anorexic, and then in a condescending voice with the universal Mocking Actions of bobbing her head back and forth and flapping her hands, outright mocked her friend for it. She said that she was just whining and that she was just trying to get attention and how annoying it was. How it made zero sense for a woman that thin to be so whiny about food so, to the woman I was speaking to, it seemed she felt that clearly this was all just a way to get back at other women around her for being normal sized. To make those normal sized women feel like something was wrong with them.
That is why I give this book 5 stars, because this stuff is serious. This isn't something people do half-heartedly. It's painful and horrific and terrifying and it could literally be fatal. It could cause permanent damage. It's not done to piss off people around her; the woman is probably doing it because she feels compelled despite the pain/fear to continue doing the only thing she knows to do.
She's crying for help, even if she doesn't know it. She isn't doing it to make everyone else insecure. It's her own insecurities for herself driving her. She's probably so wrapped up in herself she hardly even notices what it's doing to everyone else.
And in this world where the media constantly flocks to underweight women and praises them exaggeratedly while simultaneously calling normal weight women ugly, overweight, flabby and disgusting, it's easy to start believing that thinness = beauty, and being skinny = the only way to receive love. But further complicating matters, it's a trend and slow media day away from that same "gorgeous! unbelievably flat belly!" turning into "she's so ugly and too thin! what the hell is wrong with this pathetic woman? she needs to gain some weight!"
The search for perfection will never be met because there is no such thing. There will always be someone who will criticize, and someone who will applaud. The very same topic can garner extreme reactions in opposite directions. Ultimately, a person needs to just be happy as themselves, comfortable as themselves, and that sounds simple but it's really hard, and the best way to get there is through support even though those being supportive can be ignored at first by the person in need. It's hard on everyone but it's the way life is.
That's what this book is about. That's why I liked it.
I also want to note that I actually knew very little about Portia de Rossi before seeing her on a few interviews and liking her there. I was intrigued by discussions of this book and bought it after those interviews. I'm glad I did. I like Portia even more for the courage it must have taken her to write this and release it to the world.
January 29, 2011
I detest this book. I've been trying for a couple days to figure out how to write this review and I'm still having a hard time.
Someone very close to me had an eating disorder and I even thought about working in a treatment facility specializing in eating disorders. I've been in rooms where women, girls and a teenage boy have talked about their biggest fears, horrible things that have happened to them, and tried to plow through their lives to figure out how to start recovering. This book does justice to none of this healing.
Portia clearly states in this book she wrote it to help herself and to help others. If any of those people with eating disorders picked up this book though, all they would find is tricks of the trade and reasons to continue. Almost the whole entirety of the book is how she dieted, lost weight, every tiny detail of how to have an eating disorder. Then one day she passes out, a doctor is called, and she acts like that's just when she decided to get better. That is not how it happens for anyone. Then all of a sudden she's talking about how she is better - yay everything is okay again. What a horrible message to send. I wish she would have focused more on the healing process, what it takes to get "better", how to "recover". As it is, when she is "better", she still acts like 130 pounds is the end all be all. I was so disgusted with that.
In the end I think this was a selfish egotistical book that would only help a girl right into a hospital because she's gotten so much worse for reading it. AND. I don't understand all these 4 and 5 star ratings. If she wasn't a celebrity, if she wasn't linked to Ellen, this would never have been seen as anything positive.
Sorry for my rant. I used to like Portia.
Someone very close to me had an eating disorder and I even thought about working in a treatment facility specializing in eating disorders. I've been in rooms where women, girls and a teenage boy have talked about their biggest fears, horrible things that have happened to them, and tried to plow through their lives to figure out how to start recovering. This book does justice to none of this healing.
Portia clearly states in this book she wrote it to help herself and to help others. If any of those people with eating disorders picked up this book though, all they would find is tricks of the trade and reasons to continue. Almost the whole entirety of the book is how she dieted, lost weight, every tiny detail of how to have an eating disorder. Then one day she passes out, a doctor is called, and she acts like that's just when she decided to get better. That is not how it happens for anyone. Then all of a sudden she's talking about how she is better - yay everything is okay again. What a horrible message to send. I wish she would have focused more on the healing process, what it takes to get "better", how to "recover". As it is, when she is "better", she still acts like 130 pounds is the end all be all. I was so disgusted with that.
In the end I think this was a selfish egotistical book that would only help a girl right into a hospital because she's gotten so much worse for reading it. AND. I don't understand all these 4 and 5 star ratings. If she wasn't a celebrity, if she wasn't linked to Ellen, this would never have been seen as anything positive.
Sorry for my rant. I used to like Portia.
Read
November 30, 2011A heartbreaking look at mental illness from a fragile mind in an image-obsessed industry.
This was a very touching and honest memoir that really showed the struggles de Rossi went through trying to control her weight.
It's well written and occasionally I had to put it down to stop myself from crying at her pain. It's not just that this is an honest look at eating disorders, but de Rossi isn't afraid of portraying herself as less than perfect. Considering this is the image she strove so hard to achieve, this is quite an improvement.
Strangely enough, a memoir about a woman struggling with controlling her weight and battling bulimia and anorexia has only made me more comfortable with my own weight issues. She's right when she says that intelligence and ability should be valued above appearance. The media industries have got it all wrong.
I only wish there was more writing about her struggle with her sexuality as well. I only really took notice of de Rossi when she starred in the short-lived Better Off Ted. By this time she was already married to her wife Ellen DeGeneres. I would have liked to know more about their relationship and how DeGeneres helped de Rossi become the beautiful women's health and equal rights spokeswoman she is today.
As it was, there was a few behind the scenes glimpses of Ally McBeal, a TV show I did not watch when it was on. The behind the scenes mostly focused on the clothing and how it fit her ever-decreasing body, however, not cast politics.
If you enjoy celebrity memoirs, or memoirs about people with mental illnesses and eating disorders, or memoirs about struggling sexuality, you'll probably enjoy this. de Rossi has an engaging voice and clear, elegant writing. She's not afraid to bare her soul in the hope that this memoir can perhaps help and inspire other people with their similar struggles.
This was a very touching and honest memoir that really showed the struggles de Rossi went through trying to control her weight.
It's well written and occasionally I had to put it down to stop myself from crying at her pain. It's not just that this is an honest look at eating disorders, but de Rossi isn't afraid of portraying herself as less than perfect. Considering this is the image she strove so hard to achieve, this is quite an improvement.
Strangely enough, a memoir about a woman struggling with controlling her weight and battling bulimia and anorexia has only made me more comfortable with my own weight issues. She's right when she says that intelligence and ability should be valued above appearance. The media industries have got it all wrong.
I only wish there was more writing about her struggle with her sexuality as well. I only really took notice of de Rossi when she starred in the short-lived Better Off Ted. By this time she was already married to her wife Ellen DeGeneres. I would have liked to know more about their relationship and how DeGeneres helped de Rossi become the beautiful women's health and equal rights spokeswoman she is today.
As it was, there was a few behind the scenes glimpses of Ally McBeal, a TV show I did not watch when it was on. The behind the scenes mostly focused on the clothing and how it fit her ever-decreasing body, however, not cast politics.
If you enjoy celebrity memoirs, or memoirs about people with mental illnesses and eating disorders, or memoirs about struggling sexuality, you'll probably enjoy this. de Rossi has an engaging voice and clear, elegant writing. She's not afraid to bare her soul in the hope that this memoir can perhaps help and inspire other people with their similar struggles.
May 21, 2018
This was so honest, raw and real. I was consistently glued to the pages.
I didn't know anything about Portia de Rossi (aside from her marriage to Ellen) before picking up this book; for the longest time I hadn't even been aware that she had suffered with an eating disorder for such a long time.
This book isn't just about her anorexia however, she also talks about her struggles of coming to terms with her sexuality, accepting herself for who she is and how hard the path to self-love was for her.
While there are many areas in which our experiences of life are different, I still found this oddly relatable. I think everyone struggles with accepting themselves, feeling insecure and unworthy at one time or another for one reason or another. It's extremely impressive to me that Portia has managed to be so honest about her own struggles, giving an unflinching account of what most would probably hide in shame.
I didn't know anything about Portia de Rossi (aside from her marriage to Ellen) before picking up this book; for the longest time I hadn't even been aware that she had suffered with an eating disorder for such a long time.
This book isn't just about her anorexia however, she also talks about her struggles of coming to terms with her sexuality, accepting herself for who she is and how hard the path to self-love was for her.
While there are many areas in which our experiences of life are different, I still found this oddly relatable. I think everyone struggles with accepting themselves, feeling insecure and unworthy at one time or another for one reason or another. It's extremely impressive to me that Portia has managed to be so honest about her own struggles, giving an unflinching account of what most would probably hide in shame.
March 12, 2018
Trigger warnings: eating disorders, purging, homophobia, death of a parent (in the past).
This is such an incredibly compelling read. It's well written, it's interesting, and it kept me glued to the page, even when I wanted to look away.
Portia's story is heartbreaking - her terrible relationship with food dates back to when she was 12 and determined to become a model. Though she has a good relationship with her mother, it reads very much like her mother was instrumental in setting up Portia's terrible food habits in a lot of ways - lots of "okay fine, if you'll stop whinging, I'll show you a great way to drop weight really quickly".
But it's when Portia moves to LA and joins the cast of Ally McBeal that her relationship with food really turns to shit.
There's a LOT of talk about food and restricting intake and counting every calorie - including toothpaste and chewing gum - and weighing yourself constantly. There's a lot of binging and purging and exercising 6 hours a day.
I feel like the strongest stuff here had to do with her repeated emphasis that her eating disorders were a way of controlling her life when she lived in constant fear of the media finding out that she was a lesbian and outing her. It broke my heart at least a dozen times.
Overall, I'm glad I read this. But I do wish there'd been more of a focus on her recovery. Because we essentially get 300 pages of her having a toxic relationship with food and with her body. And then she gets a phone call that changes her life, and suddenly we flip to an epilogue where she sums up everything that happened in the decade after she got that phone call. And I really do wish there'd been more of a balance.
This is such an incredibly compelling read. It's well written, it's interesting, and it kept me glued to the page, even when I wanted to look away.
Portia's story is heartbreaking - her terrible relationship with food dates back to when she was 12 and determined to become a model. Though she has a good relationship with her mother, it reads very much like her mother was instrumental in setting up Portia's terrible food habits in a lot of ways - lots of "okay fine, if you'll stop whinging, I'll show you a great way to drop weight really quickly".
But it's when Portia moves to LA and joins the cast of Ally McBeal that her relationship with food really turns to shit.
There's a LOT of talk about food and restricting intake and counting every calorie - including toothpaste and chewing gum - and weighing yourself constantly. There's a lot of binging and purging and exercising 6 hours a day.
I feel like the strongest stuff here had to do with her repeated emphasis that her eating disorders were a way of controlling her life when she lived in constant fear of the media finding out that she was a lesbian and outing her. It broke my heart at least a dozen times.
Overall, I'm glad I read this. But I do wish there'd been more of a focus on her recovery. Because we essentially get 300 pages of her having a toxic relationship with food and with her body. And then she gets a phone call that changes her life, and suddenly we flip to an epilogue where she sums up everything that happened in the decade after she got that phone call. And I really do wish there'd been more of a balance.
June 28, 2011
This was such a great story. It was so inspiring to see someone come back from such a low time, and get her life back together. She is a beautiful woman, and I'm sure her story will help some people who battle this difficult problem.
April 7, 2016
I didn’t read this because I’m particularly interested in Portia de Rossi or celebrity, but because I’m interested in eating disorders. It turned out that I was fascinated to learn more about Portia and her career, which began at age 12 as a model, which is where the unhealthy bingeing and purging began. It’s when everything from her eyes to her thighs were discussed by her stylists, journalists, directors—everyone dissected her right in front of her, and she took those comments to heart. She couldn’t think of one single body part she liked—her eyes were too close together, her hands were too manly, her thighs were too big, her stomach too round. Also, she was gay, and, for a long time, she had a hard time admitting it because she was worried about ruining her career as an actress in America and how her family would react (when Ellen came out in 1997, Portia’s grandmother expressed disgust and stopped watching her).
This is not an enjoyable read. It’s fascinating, but it’s tough to read page after page of such insane behavior. She would only eat 300 calories a day and yet run at top speed for an hour. I don’t even know how a human can do that day after day. Marathon runners carbo load. They at least eat vegetables occasionally. All Portia would eat was microscopic portions of tuna and egg whites. Reading endlessly about her obsession with calories gets tedious, but I kept going because I wanted to find out how she got to such a happy ending of being physically healthy and in love with such an amazing woman, Ellen.
For a long time, Portia thought, “Not just anyone could have anorexia. It was a disorder of the highly accomplished, cultured, beautiful. It belonged to models, singers, and Princess Diana. I had always secretly been in awe of anorexics with their super-human restraint.”
This book is about her disease and only briefly touches on her getting well. She stumbled for a long time before that happened. She went from 82 pounds to 168—all while being scrutinized by paparazzi!
She writes, “Being sick allows you to check out of life. Getting well again means you have to check back in.” Later she adds that to get well, you have to find “something other than your body image to be passionate about.”
She did learn a healthy balance. People become anorexic and bulimic for many reasons. People also overeat for many reasons—loneliness, for example, or because they scarf down food on the run instead of actually enjoying it. I definitely agree with her that dieting is not the way to go. You should accept your natural body weight by eating healthily and getting exercise, whether it’s walking your dog or going to a yoga class or whatever. While pumping iron at the gym doesn’t work for her, it does work for some people, but she’s also right about the diet and fitness industry preying on our insecurities, and how we need to do our best to ignore unhealthy or unattainable “ideals” and find the beauty of ourselves and how we fit into this world.
This is not an enjoyable read. It’s fascinating, but it’s tough to read page after page of such insane behavior. She would only eat 300 calories a day and yet run at top speed for an hour. I don’t even know how a human can do that day after day. Marathon runners carbo load. They at least eat vegetables occasionally. All Portia would eat was microscopic portions of tuna and egg whites. Reading endlessly about her obsession with calories gets tedious, but I kept going because I wanted to find out how she got to such a happy ending of being physically healthy and in love with such an amazing woman, Ellen.
For a long time, Portia thought, “Not just anyone could have anorexia. It was a disorder of the highly accomplished, cultured, beautiful. It belonged to models, singers, and Princess Diana. I had always secretly been in awe of anorexics with their super-human restraint.”
This book is about her disease and only briefly touches on her getting well. She stumbled for a long time before that happened. She went from 82 pounds to 168—all while being scrutinized by paparazzi!
She writes, “Being sick allows you to check out of life. Getting well again means you have to check back in.” Later she adds that to get well, you have to find “something other than your body image to be passionate about.”
She did learn a healthy balance. People become anorexic and bulimic for many reasons. People also overeat for many reasons—loneliness, for example, or because they scarf down food on the run instead of actually enjoying it. I definitely agree with her that dieting is not the way to go. You should accept your natural body weight by eating healthily and getting exercise, whether it’s walking your dog or going to a yoga class or whatever. While pumping iron at the gym doesn’t work for her, it does work for some people, but she’s also right about the diet and fitness industry preying on our insecurities, and how we need to do our best to ignore unhealthy or unattainable “ideals” and find the beauty of ourselves and how we fit into this world.
May 17, 2014
Portia De Rossi's bio is an amazing story about her battle with anorexia, bulimia and with being gay in Hollywood. She is truly a brave soul for writing this extremely candid bio. While this is not a perfectly written book ( it truly could have used a better editor) I am still giving it 5 stars because it was that good.
October 31, 2013
Such a very sad book. It was an eye opener for me - interesting to read, but quite disturbing at the same time. I found it to be well written and from the heart.
November 30, 2018
4.5 stars. "Unbearable Lightness" is a memoir by the actress Portia de Rossi, well known for her roles on "Arrested Development" (one of my personal favorites!) and "Ally McBeal." It chronicles her struggle with anorexia and how she finally got help. While it was hard to read sometimes because the subject matter was so difficult, I appreciated how honest and real this memoir is!
Having known a lot of people that have struggled with eating disorders, I think books like this are terribly important. Hollywood actresses are supposed to be thin and lithe but they are never supposed to cop to the lengths they go through to get to that picture-perfect image. Portia de Rossi is gorgeous but got pressure throughout the book to look a certain way and to lose more weight. Having struggled with tendencies like that throughout her life, she quickly spirals out of control. She is honest throughout the book, even when her behavior gets frightening. The chapter where she is diagnosed with anorexia (and a host of other maladies all at one time - side effects from the eating disorder) is so effective!
I felt so bad for her throughout the book. I wanted to hug her and tell her she's beautiful and hoped that eventually she'd see that herself. If you have followed de Rossi's career and life, you know this story has a happy ending but as the book shows, de Rossi went through sooooo much to get to the point she's at now. This was a great memoir!
Having known a lot of people that have struggled with eating disorders, I think books like this are terribly important. Hollywood actresses are supposed to be thin and lithe but they are never supposed to cop to the lengths they go through to get to that picture-perfect image. Portia de Rossi is gorgeous but got pressure throughout the book to look a certain way and to lose more weight. Having struggled with tendencies like that throughout her life, she quickly spirals out of control. She is honest throughout the book, even when her behavior gets frightening. The chapter where she is diagnosed with anorexia (and a host of other maladies all at one time - side effects from the eating disorder) is so effective!
I felt so bad for her throughout the book. I wanted to hug her and tell her she's beautiful and hoped that eventually she'd see that herself. If you have followed de Rossi's career and life, you know this story has a happy ending but as the book shows, de Rossi went through sooooo much to get to the point she's at now. This was a great memoir!
August 6, 2011
Almost more shocking than Portia de Rossi’s anorexic spiral is her extreme insecurity. I honestly don’t know how she could walk around hating herself that much. Are other actresses that bad? Is that why they choose the profession? Really, her lack of self confidence is more disturbing than just about anything else in this book.
What also struck me was how isolation and anorexia go hand in hand (or is it a chicken-or-the-egg conundrum?). If she had a partner, kids, etc. there’s no way she could’ve maintained her regimen. Did her isolation lend, in part, to the actions? Or did her actions lend to the isolation? She is like an addict, thinking about her next “score” at all times, in this case her score is two hours on the treadmill or one-third of a packet of oatmeal.
Along those lines, I was surprised how little she interacted with the cast of Ally McBeal. Granted, this is a memoir of anorexia so perhaps she glossed over those relationships. I always assumed a TV set was like any office: there was gossiping and politics and after-work happy hours. The most these people ever seem to say to each other is “how were your days off?” Maybe everyone else was in their trailers running on treadmills and eating tuna with chopsticks. What a depressing place to work. And she does not mention exchanging a single pleasantry with Courtney Thorne-Smith, which made me wonder if there was some bad blood there.
A lot of reviewers commented that they felt there was no big “moment” that spawned her recovery. I disagree. I think her moment is when she feels like an old lady and the doctor’s report confirms her body has basically moved into old lady status. I do think, as with any disease, it manifests in different ways and some people end up “growing out of” anorexia at some point. They might always have food issues but they get to the point where they realize okay, I can’t do this anymore. Not everyone has to go into inpatient treatment.
One thing I absolutely hated about this book was the detail to which she goes into her daily food intake and exercise schedule. I think it would’ve sufficed to be a little vaguer. She could’ve still mentioned her disgusting meals of one spoonful of tuna with butter spray but not outline every single meal. I am certain people have used this book as a how-to and one certainly could if they were so inclined.
The writing is decent, not amazing, but there are some poignant moments. The one that stood out for me is when she starts worrying about whether paparazzi could get a shot of her in her exercise room. The way she sets up the scene is amazing and you just wonder how many actresses (or even regular folk) would have some sort of similar “if other people saw this…” scenario.
For me, the most interesting parts of this book did not deal directly with the anorexia itself. And frankly the ins and outs of her eating and exercise regimes get a little tired.
What also struck me was how isolation and anorexia go hand in hand (or is it a chicken-or-the-egg conundrum?). If she had a partner, kids, etc. there’s no way she could’ve maintained her regimen. Did her isolation lend, in part, to the actions? Or did her actions lend to the isolation? She is like an addict, thinking about her next “score” at all times, in this case her score is two hours on the treadmill or one-third of a packet of oatmeal.
Along those lines, I was surprised how little she interacted with the cast of Ally McBeal. Granted, this is a memoir of anorexia so perhaps she glossed over those relationships. I always assumed a TV set was like any office: there was gossiping and politics and after-work happy hours. The most these people ever seem to say to each other is “how were your days off?” Maybe everyone else was in their trailers running on treadmills and eating tuna with chopsticks. What a depressing place to work. And she does not mention exchanging a single pleasantry with Courtney Thorne-Smith, which made me wonder if there was some bad blood there.
A lot of reviewers commented that they felt there was no big “moment” that spawned her recovery. I disagree. I think her moment is when she feels like an old lady and the doctor’s report confirms her body has basically moved into old lady status. I do think, as with any disease, it manifests in different ways and some people end up “growing out of” anorexia at some point. They might always have food issues but they get to the point where they realize okay, I can’t do this anymore. Not everyone has to go into inpatient treatment.
One thing I absolutely hated about this book was the detail to which she goes into her daily food intake and exercise schedule. I think it would’ve sufficed to be a little vaguer. She could’ve still mentioned her disgusting meals of one spoonful of tuna with butter spray but not outline every single meal. I am certain people have used this book as a how-to and one certainly could if they were so inclined.
The writing is decent, not amazing, but there are some poignant moments. The one that stood out for me is when she starts worrying about whether paparazzi could get a shot of her in her exercise room. The way she sets up the scene is amazing and you just wonder how many actresses (or even regular folk) would have some sort of similar “if other people saw this…” scenario.
For me, the most interesting parts of this book did not deal directly with the anorexia itself. And frankly the ins and outs of her eating and exercise regimes get a little tired.
January 10, 2021
This is by no means a perfect book, and I don’t think Portia would claim it to be. Eating disorders are messy. Recovery can be even messier. I should know.
My therapist, who specializes in ED treatment, recommended me this book after she read it herself and recognize the parallels I would find having been an actor, dancer, and entertainer for my entire life. And boy, were there parralels.
I am in awe of Portia de Rossi’s vulnerability and bravery in sharing her story and such an honest way, with the lights turned on full brightness, shining glaringly upon the terrifying reality of a person being tortured by their own mind.
This is not an easy book to read. There is certainly a risk of being triggered if you are someone who has suffered from an eating disorder. I would warn anyone who is considering reading this to take an honest look at themselves and determine if they can handle a detailed and graphic recounting of anorexia and bulimia at this stage of their journey. It doesn’t make you weak to not be at the point in your recovery where you can read something like this. Even I, seven years into my recovery, struggled at times.
But if, after honest reflection, you decide you can handle it I think you may find a feeling of recognition, solidarity, and hope. Seeing so much of myself in Portia throughout this book left me feeling a deep sense of compassion towards her and her struggles, and in turn, left me feeling deep self-compassion. Because if she deserves compassion for what she’s faced and overcome, then so do I.
VIDEO REVIEW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bkzuj...
Trigger Warnings: graphic and detailed descriptions of anorexic and bulimic thoughts, actions, and consequences.
You can find me on...
Youtube | Instagram | Twitter
My therapist, who specializes in ED treatment, recommended me this book after she read it herself and recognize the parallels I would find having been an actor, dancer, and entertainer for my entire life. And boy, were there parralels.
I am in awe of Portia de Rossi’s vulnerability and bravery in sharing her story and such an honest way, with the lights turned on full brightness, shining glaringly upon the terrifying reality of a person being tortured by their own mind.
This is not an easy book to read. There is certainly a risk of being triggered if you are someone who has suffered from an eating disorder. I would warn anyone who is considering reading this to take an honest look at themselves and determine if they can handle a detailed and graphic recounting of anorexia and bulimia at this stage of their journey. It doesn’t make you weak to not be at the point in your recovery where you can read something like this. Even I, seven years into my recovery, struggled at times.
But if, after honest reflection, you decide you can handle it I think you may find a feeling of recognition, solidarity, and hope. Seeing so much of myself in Portia throughout this book left me feeling a deep sense of compassion towards her and her struggles, and in turn, left me feeling deep self-compassion. Because if she deserves compassion for what she’s faced and overcome, then so do I.
VIDEO REVIEW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bkzuj...
Trigger Warnings: graphic and detailed descriptions of anorexic and bulimic thoughts, actions, and consequences.
You can find me on...
Youtube | Instagram | Twitter
April 6, 2011
Allow me to summarize this book:
"Ack! I ate a piece of gum! Now I must jump out of my car and run around in circles on the highway this instant!"
Although, that summary does not do justice to de Rossi's prose, so I suppose a summary should go more like this:
"My heart was gently palpitating. I took the winter-fresh stick from its foil outer-layer and placed it on my waiting tongue. The voice in my head was whispering 'you're a pig...A good-for-nothing...You're not special...' but I chewed and chewed until the flavor had evaporated, its essence now as dead as my soul. I instantly knew what I must do. My body moved, silently ordered by my head. I stepped out onto the hot pavement, my heels clicking as I began running--methodically at first, then in frenzied motion trying to drown out the voice in my head that was screaming now: 'you'll never be special!'"
Problems I had with this book:
1. I happen to dislike a ridiculous poetic-prose style for an autobiography unless autobiographer is, say, a poet.
2. I feel as though each story in the book was actually the same story with slightly different details. Example: "I ate [yogurt/gum/'sachet' of oatmeal] and freaked out. Then I ran [around my car/on the treadmill/up and down the stairs] for an unreasonable amount of time."
3. The book contained small glimpses, but overall, very little of anything actually interesting, though I imagine interesting things have happened in de Rossi's life. Some possible areas where interesting stories may lurk: a. Her experience on Ally McBeal b. Her experience on Arrested Development c. Her struggling to come to terms with her sexuality d. Her relationship with Ellen e. What Ellen is like in real life. I only kept reading because I thought she was going to get to something interesting. SPOILER ALERT: She never did.
"Ack! I ate a piece of gum! Now I must jump out of my car and run around in circles on the highway this instant!"
Although, that summary does not do justice to de Rossi's prose, so I suppose a summary should go more like this:
"My heart was gently palpitating. I took the winter-fresh stick from its foil outer-layer and placed it on my waiting tongue. The voice in my head was whispering 'you're a pig...A good-for-nothing...You're not special...' but I chewed and chewed until the flavor had evaporated, its essence now as dead as my soul. I instantly knew what I must do. My body moved, silently ordered by my head. I stepped out onto the hot pavement, my heels clicking as I began running--methodically at first, then in frenzied motion trying to drown out the voice in my head that was screaming now: 'you'll never be special!'"
Problems I had with this book:
1. I happen to dislike a ridiculous poetic-prose style for an autobiography unless autobiographer is, say, a poet.
2. I feel as though each story in the book was actually the same story with slightly different details. Example: "I ate [yogurt/gum/'sachet' of oatmeal] and freaked out. Then I ran [around my car/on the treadmill/up and down the stairs] for an unreasonable amount of time."
3. The book contained small glimpses, but overall, very little of anything actually interesting, though I imagine interesting things have happened in de Rossi's life. Some possible areas where interesting stories may lurk: a. Her experience on Ally McBeal b. Her experience on Arrested Development c. Her struggling to come to terms with her sexuality d. Her relationship with Ellen e. What Ellen is like in real life. I only kept reading because I thought she was going to get to something interesting. SPOILER ALERT: She never did.
February 22, 2016
“Anorexia was never something I thought I could have. Not just anyone could have anorexia. It was a disorder of the highly accomplished, beautiful cultured. It belonged to models, singers and Princess Diana. I had always been secretly in awe of anorexics with their super human restraint. There is neatness to it, a perfection”
All stories about eating disorders are sad ones but the extra burden of hiding your sexuality while being under the magnifying glass of the Hollywood paparazzi made it just that much worse.
There is a definite point where a diet becomes a disorder but it’s such a gradual thing that the person wrapped up in the process does not see it.
I used to live around the corner from a well-known convenience chain and when I went there I regularly saw a particular woman and her emaciated teenage daughter walking slowly down the aisles, stopping to study the food labels and more often than not put the food back on the rack. It would break my heart to see the desperation of the woman in getting her daughter to agree to put something in the cart.
There is no doubt our whole society has a skewed view on beauty and what constitutes the perfect female form.
To be honest I didn’t expect much when I started this and as I got this on loan I thought what the heck it’s a short audio I may as well try it. Portia does not shy away from the ugliness of her disease and her honest and articulate way of writing was enjoyable. I do feel however that a little more time could have been spent on her recovery but I think the goal of writing this was really to put down the destruction of her disease rather than how she overcame it.
All stories about eating disorders are sad ones but the extra burden of hiding your sexuality while being under the magnifying glass of the Hollywood paparazzi made it just that much worse.
There is a definite point where a diet becomes a disorder but it’s such a gradual thing that the person wrapped up in the process does not see it.
I used to live around the corner from a well-known convenience chain and when I went there I regularly saw a particular woman and her emaciated teenage daughter walking slowly down the aisles, stopping to study the food labels and more often than not put the food back on the rack. It would break my heart to see the desperation of the woman in getting her daughter to agree to put something in the cart.
There is no doubt our whole society has a skewed view on beauty and what constitutes the perfect female form.
To be honest I didn’t expect much when I started this and as I got this on loan I thought what the heck it’s a short audio I may as well try it. Portia does not shy away from the ugliness of her disease and her honest and articulate way of writing was enjoyable. I do feel however that a little more time could have been spent on her recovery but I think the goal of writing this was really to put down the destruction of her disease rather than how she overcame it.
February 24, 2012
Never in my life of reading literature have I come across such a whirlwind of a book. I am not anorexic, but I know my way around mental illness and to say she was sick would be a VAST understatement. The book has a slow start but when she really begins to dive into the eating disorder it becomes a tornado of mania that was almost overwhelming to me. I think if anyone wanted to understand how deep and multifaceted a disorder can be they could turn to this book. 300 calories a day and her thinnest weight being 85 pounds was startling to me. The photos in the book however hold the most power. So so horrible, and I came from this wondering how anyone could triumph over a disease like that. Unfortunately Portia is very vague about her recovery, even vaguer about Ellen. I am not entirely convinced she is completely over her disorder, as 130 pounds is difficult to maintain if you eat like she claims to at the end of the novel. I hope she is safe, and being monitored by her wife makes me think she has a chance, but I didn't come away from this book convinced she was truly recovered.
I dont think it would be fair to criticize this book for its grammar or syntax, and I think people who were put off by that didn't really get the point. This book must have been a hell to write, and I don't think any editor would feel good about telling her to rewrite and edit her autobiography. When I ended the book I felt exhausted; it was about as close as I'll ever be to experience the desperate agony of an eating disorder, and I'm glad I read it.
I dont think it would be fair to criticize this book for its grammar or syntax, and I think people who were put off by that didn't really get the point. This book must have been a hell to write, and I don't think any editor would feel good about telling her to rewrite and edit her autobiography. When I ended the book I felt exhausted; it was about as close as I'll ever be to experience the desperate agony of an eating disorder, and I'm glad I read it.
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