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Opting Out?: Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home
Noting a phenomenon that might seem to recall a previous era, The New York Times Magazine recently portrayed women who leave their careers in order to become full-time mothers as “opting out.” But, are high-achieving professional women really choosing to abandon their careers in order to return home? This provocative study is the first to tackle this issue from the perspective of the women themselves. Based on a series of candid, in-depth interviews with women who returned home after working as doctors, lawyers, bankers, scientists, and other professions, Pamela Stone explores the role that their husbands, children, and coworkers play in their decision; how women’s efforts to construct new lives and new identities unfold once they are home; and where their aspirations and plans for the future lie. What we learn—contrary to many media perceptions—is that these high-flying women are not opting out but are instead being pushed out of the workplace. Drawing on their experiences, Stone outlines concrete ideas for redesigning workplaces to make it easier for women—and men—to attain their goal of living rewarding lives that combine both families and careers.
295 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2007
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425 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
July 20, 2016
I found this book in the library--I don't remember hearing about it when it came out. It's related to some concerns I've been having lately regarding "off-ramping" and what the workforce will be like if/when I leave work to raise children.
The premise was very promising--high-achieving women who "opt out" of their careers, temporarily or permanently, to raise children. Most of the women profiled attended Ivy League or Seven Sisters schools, had law or business degrees, and made comfortable salaries. Most importantly, their husbands made considerable money, which allowed them to stop working. Upon closer inspection, however, it became obvious that this wasn't so much of a choice as it was the easiest solution. Demanding homelives and unsupportive husbands or bosses tipped these women's hands. While some of the women fully expected to stop working when they became mothers, others were still a little bitter about their careers playing second fiddle to those of their husbands. Their unhappiness was only slightly disguised.
I enjoyed the book, but did not like the almost deliberate deletion of women of color from this profile. As a woman of color, whose mother and grandmother stayed at home and who is surrounded by working mothers, I don't have a contemporary role model in this game. Stone, in her appendix, claims that she couldn't find any "high achieving" women of color who stayed at home. I find this extremely hard to believe, almost bulls--t-worthy. She was tapped into alumnae groups of Ivy League, Seven Sisters, and MIT/Berkeley/Michigan alumni. If she had looked hard enough, then I'm sure she would have found at least one. Her weak explanation that it would have skewed her findings soured the book for me.
The premise was very promising--high-achieving women who "opt out" of their careers, temporarily or permanently, to raise children. Most of the women profiled attended Ivy League or Seven Sisters schools, had law or business degrees, and made comfortable salaries. Most importantly, their husbands made considerable money, which allowed them to stop working. Upon closer inspection, however, it became obvious that this wasn't so much of a choice as it was the easiest solution. Demanding homelives and unsupportive husbands or bosses tipped these women's hands. While some of the women fully expected to stop working when they became mothers, others were still a little bitter about their careers playing second fiddle to those of their husbands. Their unhappiness was only slightly disguised.
I enjoyed the book, but did not like the almost deliberate deletion of women of color from this profile. As a woman of color, whose mother and grandmother stayed at home and who is surrounded by working mothers, I don't have a contemporary role model in this game. Stone, in her appendix, claims that she couldn't find any "high achieving" women of color who stayed at home. I find this extremely hard to believe, almost bulls--t-worthy. She was tapped into alumnae groups of Ivy League, Seven Sisters, and MIT/Berkeley/Michigan alumni. If she had looked hard enough, then I'm sure she would have found at least one. Her weak explanation that it would have skewed her findings soured the book for me.
January 20, 2011
This is a book that should be read by any working woman who is also a parent. I thought the author did an excellent job of investigating the realities of why a very small proportion of working women "choose" to quit their high-powered careers to become full-time stay-at-home mothers. After interviewing 54 women, Stone makes the case that although these women speak of their action as a choice, in reality, they were pushed out of the work force due to its inflexible nature. Most women would have liked to have continued to work but found their jobs incompatible with parenting, and their efforts to make their jobs fit with their lives were met with failure.
The main criticism I have of Stone's book is her almost-exclusive focus on privileged white women (I think there were two women of color included in her sample). I think it would be fascinating to read a similar book that focused on 54 low-income and 54 middle-income women of color. While these women, due to their lower incomes, might not be able to quit their jobs, it'd be interesting to read about their experiences of trying to balance work and motherhood. And there are plenty of low-income mothers who don't work and I'd find it interesting to read about their experiences, too.
Though I'm not in a high-income, high-powered field and I haven't quit my job, I did not find, in this book, the reasons I have for wishing to quit or reduce my work load, and that was interesting to me, too.
The main criticism I have of Stone's book is her almost-exclusive focus on privileged white women (I think there were two women of color included in her sample). I think it would be fascinating to read a similar book that focused on 54 low-income and 54 middle-income women of color. While these women, due to their lower incomes, might not be able to quit their jobs, it'd be interesting to read about their experiences of trying to balance work and motherhood. And there are plenty of low-income mothers who don't work and I'd find it interesting to read about their experiences, too.
Though I'm not in a high-income, high-powered field and I haven't quit my job, I did not find, in this book, the reasons I have for wishing to quit or reduce my work load, and that was interesting to me, too.
July 9, 2009
This sociologist interviewed 54 stay at home moms, who are highly educated and formerly had successful careers, to find out why they really left their professions to be at home with their kids. Although this book reads a bit like an academic dissertation, in this book are many familiar stories to which I could relate. Here are some of the main reasons discussed: Realization no child care substitute could take the place of a parent, changing family priorities as they fell in love with their new baby, part time options that marginalized their careers or were simply not available, husbands with successful careers which also provided the financial means to not need a second income.
The second half of the book discusses the transition to full time motherhood, which was surprisingly easy for most of the women once the decision was made. Their greatest concerns were not being described as "anti- feminist" or "too traditional", but more focused on the change in domestic dynamics (husbands no longer helping with anything at home) and no longer identifying with their former careers (it's not who I am anymore). Most of them looked forward to "reinventing" themselves again when and if they choose to reenter the workforce.
The author laments the women not included in her study, the ones who do not have the financial means to stay at home. She makes a strong case that for all of the "family friendly" buzz in the corporate world, really not that much has changed. About her study, she concludes "these high-achieving women aren't voting against work or careers, they are voting against an outdated male model of work that ignores their reality and voting for family."
The second half of the book discusses the transition to full time motherhood, which was surprisingly easy for most of the women once the decision was made. Their greatest concerns were not being described as "anti- feminist" or "too traditional", but more focused on the change in domestic dynamics (husbands no longer helping with anything at home) and no longer identifying with their former careers (it's not who I am anymore). Most of them looked forward to "reinventing" themselves again when and if they choose to reenter the workforce.
The author laments the women not included in her study, the ones who do not have the financial means to stay at home. She makes a strong case that for all of the "family friendly" buzz in the corporate world, really not that much has changed. About her study, she concludes "these high-achieving women aren't voting against work or careers, they are voting against an outdated male model of work that ignores their reality and voting for family."
September 20, 2012
this is an academic look at why highly-educated, successful, professional women drop out of the workforce upon having children. it's like a riff on lisa belkin's famous "new york times" magazine piece, "the opt-out revolution," but stone actually interviews the women involved in-depth & does that hard work to draw more than the obvious, facile conclusions.
on the one hand, i don't know why i read this book, because, as a disabled person, i am not in the workforce anyway (not necessarily by choice). so i am not in the position to be making difficult decisions about whether or not to be a working mother. my body made the decision for me. on the other hand, this book is pretty radical & pretty damn feminist, so i am glad i read it. stone rejects the cultural narrative that successful, educated women are returning home with baby in droves due to some dormant desire for traditional gender roles or because of a failing of feminism. instead, she picks apart women's interviews & identifies a multitude of ways that workplaces push mothers out: by failing to provide necessary flexibility regarding maternity leave, breastfeeding, & sick children; by creating a congratulatory culture for women who choose to leave work while discouraging men from cutting back on workplace responsibilities after becoming parents; by offering flextime & part-time options on paper but punishing the women who seek them with reduced prestige & responsibility; etc.
i'd love to know what some of the interview subjects made of stone's book once it was published. she is at times scathing in her interpretations of what the women really mean when they allow their former employers or partners off the hook in helping the women balance work & motherhood. she reports that many women said their partners were "very supportive" of the women's decisions to quit their jobs, & encouraged the women to "do what makes [them] happy". stone interprets this to mean, "your decision is not my problem." she reports women who chose to leave the workplace because the expense of paid child care ate up so much of their personal incomes, indicating that the women's incomes were seen as discretionary mad money rather than an important contribution to the family pot.
the book necessarily focuses on class-privileged women who are more or less able to maintain their standard of living on only a partner's pay, & therefore the voices of most working mothers are removed from the conversation. but stone does point out that working mothers are largely all facing the same issues as far as workplace flexibility, assumptions, mommytracking, child care, etc, & that women with less economic have even fewer options, & therefore drop out of the workplace less, just by necessity. so i do understand why she focused on high-achieving professional women.
on the one hand, i don't know why i read this book, because, as a disabled person, i am not in the workforce anyway (not necessarily by choice). so i am not in the position to be making difficult decisions about whether or not to be a working mother. my body made the decision for me. on the other hand, this book is pretty radical & pretty damn feminist, so i am glad i read it. stone rejects the cultural narrative that successful, educated women are returning home with baby in droves due to some dormant desire for traditional gender roles or because of a failing of feminism. instead, she picks apart women's interviews & identifies a multitude of ways that workplaces push mothers out: by failing to provide necessary flexibility regarding maternity leave, breastfeeding, & sick children; by creating a congratulatory culture for women who choose to leave work while discouraging men from cutting back on workplace responsibilities after becoming parents; by offering flextime & part-time options on paper but punishing the women who seek them with reduced prestige & responsibility; etc.
i'd love to know what some of the interview subjects made of stone's book once it was published. she is at times scathing in her interpretations of what the women really mean when they allow their former employers or partners off the hook in helping the women balance work & motherhood. she reports that many women said their partners were "very supportive" of the women's decisions to quit their jobs, & encouraged the women to "do what makes [them] happy". stone interprets this to mean, "your decision is not my problem." she reports women who chose to leave the workplace because the expense of paid child care ate up so much of their personal incomes, indicating that the women's incomes were seen as discretionary mad money rather than an important contribution to the family pot.
the book necessarily focuses on class-privileged women who are more or less able to maintain their standard of living on only a partner's pay, & therefore the voices of most working mothers are removed from the conversation. but stone does point out that working mothers are largely all facing the same issues as far as workplace flexibility, assumptions, mommytracking, child care, etc, & that women with less economic have even fewer options, & therefore drop out of the workplace less, just by necessity. so i do understand why she focused on high-achieving professional women.
August 31, 2008
I was predisposed to agree with the author and that didn't change. What did surprise me was how little sympathy I felt for the women in the case studies. They recognized the barriers thrown up by their workplaces easily enough, but consistently went through all kinds of contortions to justify their husbands' equally limiting actions. I also felt sorry for their children. The mothers all talked about how good it felt to structure and mold the children's little junior executive lives, but only a handful ever said anything about fun or playing with them. It was downright disturbing how little the mothers of pre-teens and teenagers trusted the kids, despite spending all this time on them. Their consistent snobbery put my back up too, with the insistence on CEO track or nothing, the idea that paid caregivers were intellectually inadequate, and the refusal to give up housekeepers in order to maintain the distinction between full-time mother and housewife. There were some great points about how motherhood is generally more demanding these days, or at least one yuppy development-centric version that you can choose to buy into. And it was fascinating to read (and confirm with coworkers) that working motherhood actually gets harder rather than easier once the kids are in school.
May 24, 2009
Stone conducts interviews with professional women who are now stay at home moms. All the women had high-powered, dynamic careers and are married to men with high-powered careers. The women began staying home at various points in their children's lives. She found common threads in why these women were at home: (1) they found that workplaces are not sufficiently flexible to meet their needs for childrearing and working and (2) husbands were generally not willing to make changes in their own work lives to be more present at home. Once home, these women felt the pull of increased involvement in their children's lives and reentering the workforce became increasingly difficult to contemplate. Overall, this book resonated with me, but the writing was more academic than I would have liked.
November 1, 2018
The memory of this book has stayed with me for years. When I read it, I realized that me leaving work wasn't actually my choice. In reality, I had no other option. When this lens change happened, I felt completely free and I no longer beat myself up over staying home. I was simply up against an antiquated system in a male dominated industry with zero societal supports. There was no alternative decision to make where my career trajectory could continue.
This book showed me that there were so many women just like me out there, and women who were much more accomplished than I was...and they were in the same situation. I came away realizing IT WASN'T ME. I also highly recommend Work Pause Thrive by Lisen Stromberg and anything by Anne-Marie Slaughter.
This book showed me that there were so many women just like me out there, and women who were much more accomplished than I was...and they were in the same situation. I came away realizing IT WASN'T ME. I also highly recommend Work Pause Thrive by Lisen Stromberg and anything by Anne-Marie Slaughter.
January 2, 2008
Very different from what I was expecting. I actually didn't even read the whole thing. The book is based on a qualitative study examining the reasons as to why women in high powered careers choose to stay at home with their kids (mostly due to being forced out of their jobs, not because they preferred to stay at home). Unfortunately, it solely focused on rich moms whose six figure salaries were considered "extra income" for the family and completely expendable...so I couldn't relate AT ALL.
November 22, 2009
not considering "opting-out" myself, but i'm a bit obsessed with the topic of work-family balance. very interesting study and i'm on board with her basic conclusions, but at times i found myself skeptical of the author's reading into the subjects' statements.
August 21, 2011
As a former professional now staying home to be with my children, I very much enjoyed Stone's profiles of similar women in similar situations. I did not always agree with her analysis, but found it very gratifying to see women like myself studied in such a way.
January 4, 2023
My one word review of this book is: narrow.
The criteria for the whom this investigation is applicable is:
1. Highly educated
2. Male-dominated career field.
3. Work comprises a large part of their identity.
4. Wanted to continue working after children.
5. Have a husband who’s career success allows her to stay home.
I felt like the author had a story she wanted to tell, perhaps one that mirrored her own experience, and anything that did not fit into that outline was dismissed and anything that could be interpreted in support of that outline was highlighted and emphasized.
I recognize that I read this book as someone who believes she freely chose to stay home with her child after well over a decade of experience in her male-dominated career field. As such, I did not feel seen or represented in the author’s explanation of why women opt out.
I think a more apt title for this book would have been “contributing factors to why some successful, affluent women choose to stay home after childbirth”
Despite the narrow field of exploration, I did find value in the arguments around workplace and career structure. I had not considered before how male centric the linear progression of a career really is. The author closes the book by exploring more family friendly policies that could enable women to continue working if they desired and I think that supporting such policies would be of interest to anyone who wants to support women’s equality in the workplace.
My take away was that for women in high powered jobs who want to continue working after having a child there really is very little social and work place support for what happens after leave. So while we have made great strides in parental leave, at least in my career field, there still isn’t a great number of policies that provide support for people with families. Increasing those policies and making them available to both men and women could help level the playing field and allow women to continue having success in their careers after starting a family—and it is worth noting that the continued success of high power careers—not just getting paid— was a focus point for this research.
Lastly, just because it annoyed me, there seemed to be a pooh-poohing of the women referencing their previous career experience as part of their identity and yet it’s OK to harp on the school that she attended more than two decades ago as part of her identity—so important in fact it was referenced multiple times as a characteristic of these women qualifying them for the authors attention (“graduated of…”). If you spent two decades in a career that career as part of your identity, whether you continue to do it or not. If you don’t think so, I don’t want to hear anymore about Harvard graduates two decades later.
The criteria for the whom this investigation is applicable is:
1. Highly educated
2. Male-dominated career field.
3. Work comprises a large part of their identity.
4. Wanted to continue working after children.
5. Have a husband who’s career success allows her to stay home.
I felt like the author had a story she wanted to tell, perhaps one that mirrored her own experience, and anything that did not fit into that outline was dismissed and anything that could be interpreted in support of that outline was highlighted and emphasized.
I recognize that I read this book as someone who believes she freely chose to stay home with her child after well over a decade of experience in her male-dominated career field. As such, I did not feel seen or represented in the author’s explanation of why women opt out.
I think a more apt title for this book would have been “contributing factors to why some successful, affluent women choose to stay home after childbirth”
Despite the narrow field of exploration, I did find value in the arguments around workplace and career structure. I had not considered before how male centric the linear progression of a career really is. The author closes the book by exploring more family friendly policies that could enable women to continue working if they desired and I think that supporting such policies would be of interest to anyone who wants to support women’s equality in the workplace.
My take away was that for women in high powered jobs who want to continue working after having a child there really is very little social and work place support for what happens after leave. So while we have made great strides in parental leave, at least in my career field, there still isn’t a great number of policies that provide support for people with families. Increasing those policies and making them available to both men and women could help level the playing field and allow women to continue having success in their careers after starting a family—and it is worth noting that the continued success of high power careers—not just getting paid— was a focus point for this research.
Lastly, just because it annoyed me, there seemed to be a pooh-poohing of the women referencing their previous career experience as part of their identity and yet it’s OK to harp on the school that she attended more than two decades ago as part of her identity—so important in fact it was referenced multiple times as a characteristic of these women qualifying them for the authors attention (“graduated of…”). If you spent two decades in a career that career as part of your identity, whether you continue to do it or not. If you don’t think so, I don’t want to hear anymore about Harvard graduates two decades later.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 17, 2025
Lynette Scavo (Desperate Housewives) kept coming to mind when reading this.
Anyway, I think Pamela really captures how complicated it is to be a woman in the workforce and then being married and becoming a mom. It’s something I’ve struggled with since having my first. Luckily, my field has PRN positions that have kept me in the workforce when I want to be.
I loved that she brought up that parental support needs to improve for both men and women because even with the most supportive husband, his hands are tied in how much he can do, but then there’s the issue of the responsibility falling to the mom automatically in the first place so she has to step away from her career. Then there’s the overall issue of the culture of working in the US- working at least 8:00-5:00, putting in 70hrs being considered normal, near non-existent leave, and rare vacations. It’s very complex and not something easily addressed.
Anyway, I think Pamela really captures how complicated it is to be a woman in the workforce and then being married and becoming a mom. It’s something I’ve struggled with since having my first. Luckily, my field has PRN positions that have kept me in the workforce when I want to be.
I loved that she brought up that parental support needs to improve for both men and women because even with the most supportive husband, his hands are tied in how much he can do, but then there’s the issue of the responsibility falling to the mom automatically in the first place so she has to step away from her career. Then there’s the overall issue of the culture of working in the US- working at least 8:00-5:00, putting in 70hrs being considered normal, near non-existent leave, and rare vacations. It’s very complex and not something easily addressed.
March 15, 2018
Groundbreaking study about "relatively elite women" leave the workforce after having kids. Excellent qualitative data about the reasons these women are "shut out" of their professions.
September 12, 2018
Qualitative sociology research, interesting interviewees. Written in repetitive fashion; book could have been much shorter.
August 10, 2020
Must read!
March 26, 2024
Detailed analysing of this very important social question. Enjoyed reading it.
October 29, 2015
This was a very interesting read for someone considering what I would do myself if I was starting a family and working. Stone takes a very detailed look at the pressures on women to stop work and what happens when they do. She elaborates on the various work pressures to continue to work long hours and pressures from the husband to have the woman take on all the work of child rearing. This forces women to reevaluate their working life and try to find a new niche for themselves as a "professional" mother and often leads to wanting to make big changes in their careers after their children are older. The book has a strong ending of recommendations that can make everyone's (not just women's) work life better. The only drawback of this book for me was the putting down of teaching and other "caring" jobs. If only these women knew how much time and effort goes into those jobs, too, and how inflexible they can be. Definitely a must read for professional women that are planning on having families.
January 6, 2011
Despite the fact that most of the moms who opted to come home from full-time careers, loved the new world of motherhood that welcomed them home from the rat race, Pamela Stone couldn't help but to see the glass as half-empty. The education, time, effort, and competency wasted on something like being a stay-at-home mom? A travesty! Obviously the only answer is government. Mothers must not be forced to choose and no child really needs a mom hovering around their every intramural or school graduation. Mom's need to be free to be business women, despite choosing to give birth. Child care, extended paid leave, on road and off roads for women are a must!
Sorry, those moms that found a new world open up to them when they slowed down to enjoy live in the slower lane got me, much more so than the feminist's lament that these women are being short changed by the patriarchy... not to mention damned biology.
Sorry, those moms that found a new world open up to them when they slowed down to enjoy live in the slower lane got me, much more so than the feminist's lament that these women are being short changed by the patriarchy... not to mention damned biology.
January 27, 2013
I really wanted to like this book more. While I feel as if I now understand many of the various aspects of "opting out" more clearly, this book took me over a year to finish. I read the first half of the book very quickly as it made me think a lot about the choices that my own mother had to make with me and my brother when we were young but after establishing the predominant characters and the premise that there aren't that many choices available, the writing became really repetitive. There were many areas of the book where I found myself thinking, "You've already covered that in three different ways, can we move on already?" I shelved this book for a long time still unfinished. Great information but I wish a lot of the material had been condensed.
September 25, 2008
This is a brilliant qualitative study of a number of women in high-earning high-power careers who were usually married to similarly high-powered men. They relate the story of when they made the decision to leave their careers and stay home full-time. She focuses on this group of high-profile women to try and take some of the other decision factors out of the equation that might lead to women staying home for example that they weren't very good at their jobs anyways, or that there wasn't enough money for childcare, etc.
December 20, 2007
I found the book to be eye-opening in that this is a problem of privledge but also a problem of loss of self. It makes me wonder if transitional times in women's lives need more attention paid to them (middle school, first job, young children, etc.). What's also nice is that author isn't too preachy.
March 14, 2008
This is a pretty good corrective to the tone and bent of Lisa Belkin's article. It winds up, however, being both a little long-winded and repetitive, as well as revealing Stone's own determined spin and bent on these women's decisions. Not that I really disagree with her spin and her bent, but it can come off occasionally ham handed.
March 6, 2010
I didn't feel like it taught me much I didn't know already. It was interesting (and sad) to see how some firms that are touted as "family-friendly" may give generous maternity leaves, but they are not nearly so "friendly" for workers who need flexibility in order to better combine working and parenthood.
November 29, 2010
3.5 stars, probably. While the stories of the 54 women interviewed were all familiar to me, the author did a good job of taking an outsiders look at it all and noting things that wouldn't have occurred to me.
It's an interesting title, since the author seems to come to conclusion that even women who think of themselves as "opting out", didn't really.
It's an interesting title, since the author seems to come to conclusion that even women who think of themselves as "opting out", didn't really.
December 27, 2007
Well, the book was certainly one sided, but that's just because of what the author chose to write about, so I can't really fault her for that. Still, it was a bit depressing for someone who just landed her first professional job and has a baby arriving in three months.
November 8, 2014
I enjoyed this book though I found some chapters redundant. However for a large book it reads fast, and I expect I will reread it again eventually. I found the topic engrossing and would recommend it for a book club with feminist interests or work/family life interests.
July 13, 2011
This book was interesting, but I found it really hard to relate to. It was very much a look at how the other half lives, and I can't imagine living with the kind of economic privilege that could allow me to drop out of the workforce for several years or the rest of my life.
December 27, 2021
While I'm reading this book, I can't help thinking if there's anyone studying stay-home men. I'm sure they're a very tiny group but it will be interesting to learn their perspective as they broke the traditional gender role.
September 26, 2007
sociological study of women (white, affluent, advanced degree) who have chosen to leave the workforce after a succcessful run...
February 22, 2008
very pertinent book for women and men who are concerned about the challenge of balancing family with careers. a topic that many of my friends are dealing with now.
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