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How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women
Why is love between men and women so difficult? In this groundbreaking new audiobook, bestselling author Terrence Real analyzes the crisis in intimate relations, a crisis that has lasted over a generation, yielding divorce rates of 40-50%. Our culture prepares us to fall in love, but it does not give us the skills we need to stay in love. Here Real offers a radical new vision of love and the practical tools with which to achieve it.
The current crisis is a product of changing gender roles. In the last generation, women's roles have changed radically and men's have not. For the first time, women are insisting that their partners access the very skills -- emotional sensitivity, expressiveness, responsibility -- that most men have had stamped out of them as boys. Patriarchal culture does not raise boys to be intimate; it raises them to be competitive performers. At the same time, girls are taught to be compliant and accommodating. The result is that men feel bewildered and unappreciated while women feel unheard and resentful. Conventional therapy, which reinforces "traditional" male roles, has failed. The demand for intimacy in marriage must be met with new skills.
Real draws on myth, literature, film, and stories of the men and women he treats to illustrate his compelling analysis. Breaking taboos about love, marriage, and passion, Real not only reconstructs gender roles but also shows that patriarchy's idealized model of love is impossibly flawed. He teaches partners to replace it with a love that acknowledges imperfections and then provides five Core Relational Skills designed to help every couple reach their full potential. How Can I Get Through to You? is the audiobook that every couple has been waiting for -- and our culture needs.
378 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 31, 2001
264 people are currently reading
5058 people want to read
About the author
Terrence Real
17 books293 followersAlso writes as Terry Real.
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
Terrence Real is the bestselling author of I Dont Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You?: Reconnecting Men and Women. He has been a practicing family therapist for more than twenty years and has lectured and given workshops across the country. In March 2002, Real founded the Relational Empowerment Institute. His work has been featured on NBC Nightly News, Today, Good Morning America, and Oprah, as well as in The New York Times, Psychology Today, Esquire, and numerous academic publications. He lives with his wife, family therapist Belinda Berman, and their two sons in Newton, Massachusetts.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 122 reviews
September 29, 2017
I'm not married, but I don't think you should wait til you're married to learn this stuff. This holds some really great tools no matter your relationship status. I recommend this for just about anyone, but I think people who are struggling in their marriage will benefit most from this book and it's contents.
August 23, 2020
Really enjoyed this book, was put on to it after reading The Will To Change.
Girls tend to be more aware than boys about the ways in which they are oppressed. Boys learn to keep their feelings in, and, rather than rebelling against this censorship, they choose to deny it. To not complain. To silence it. To numb themselves to their emotional needs. They follow a "stoic code".
Research has shown that boys show a measurable decrease in expressiveness and connection by the ages of 3, 4, and 5. By the time they reach kindergarten, they are less willing to express emotion or show vulnerability.
Women are not asked to beat off wild animals, and men are not asked to be wrangle with their feelings. While there is a strong and thriving community of support around emancipating women, there is less of a movement behind pushing men to open up.
Don't cry. Don't be vulnerable. Don't show weakness. Ultimately, don't show that you are . --WOOOF. I fear that these ideas are deep in me, to the point that it's difficult to care about things, people...you stop showing other people raw feelings, and even worse, you stop showing yourself your own feelings. And you grow numb. You don't even know what you're missing. A frog in boiling water.
Patriarchy doesn't just manifest between women and men. It happens in a man's mind: the tough, strong masculine side actively despises the feeling, emotional feminine side. The censorship happens in our own skulls.
The hurt boy inside hurting men, the sweet vulnerable self wrapped in the armor of denial, walled off behind business work drink or rage, the hidden feminine behind the bluff masculine. That is the truth of the masculine that must remain unspoken...because women and children fear triggering grandiosity or shame in their men.
Disassociation troubles women: of knowing, but not knowing. King something, and refusing to acknowledge it. Repressing truth.
I liked his point about the fair tail that we should be even handed in our compassion for men and women. The truth is that the playing field is totally uneven, which makes uneven treatment more just. As he says, if a couple comes in, and the woman seems more hurt, he lets her speak first. And if the man seems more hurt, he still lets the woman speak first.
"...two decent people, trapped inside a dying relationship. So go love's small murders: tiny everyday escalations of injury, reacted to by disconnection, causing more injury, until you fast-forward to a couple whose initial passion has become so encrusted with disappointment that they barely function as a couple any longer."
There are two parts of a relationship: the parts you get, and the parts you don't get. Being in a relationship is both about cherishing the things you get, and accepting, grieving the things you don't get. You own your choice.
I wouldn't say I feel more passionately, but that I feel more willing to open up. To open your heart, not to an idealized lover, but to this flawed man, woman.
"Perception battle": a contest about reality. They are a huge waste of energy. Where the two are competing with their versions of the truth. His advice? Both people are allowed to be nasty at times. But take turns. Don't be nasty at the same time. "Objective reality has no place in interpersonal relationships."
Our capacity to stay in deep connection on our capacity to bare solitude in the relationship. Only after giving up "the truth" can we learn to speak our truth.
Loving passionately means being able to protect yourself but also to deliver yourself into someones hands, vulnerable and shivering, open to being left, hurt.
The 5 skills he says couples should develop:
Relational-esteem: cherish the relationship, despite it's glaring imperfections. Walks hand in hand with "cherish yourself, despite your glaring imperfections". Esteem.
Learning to speak relationaly: "The way to keep passion alive is by telling the truth."
Girls tend to be more aware than boys about the ways in which they are oppressed. Boys learn to keep their feelings in, and, rather than rebelling against this censorship, they choose to deny it. To not complain. To silence it. To numb themselves to their emotional needs. They follow a "stoic code".
Research has shown that boys show a measurable decrease in expressiveness and connection by the ages of 3, 4, and 5. By the time they reach kindergarten, they are less willing to express emotion or show vulnerability.
Women are not asked to beat off wild animals, and men are not asked to be wrangle with their feelings. While there is a strong and thriving community of support around emancipating women, there is less of a movement behind pushing men to open up.
Don't cry. Don't be vulnerable. Don't show weakness. Ultimately, don't show that you are . --WOOOF. I fear that these ideas are deep in me, to the point that it's difficult to care about things, people...you stop showing other people raw feelings, and even worse, you stop showing yourself your own feelings. And you grow numb. You don't even know what you're missing. A frog in boiling water.
Patriarchy doesn't just manifest between women and men. It happens in a man's mind: the tough, strong masculine side actively despises the feeling, emotional feminine side. The censorship happens in our own skulls.
The hurt boy inside hurting men, the sweet vulnerable self wrapped in the armor of denial, walled off behind business work drink or rage, the hidden feminine behind the bluff masculine. That is the truth of the masculine that must remain unspoken...because women and children fear triggering grandiosity or shame in their men.
Disassociation troubles women: of knowing, but not knowing. King something, and refusing to acknowledge it. Repressing truth.
I liked his point about the fair tail that we should be even handed in our compassion for men and women. The truth is that the playing field is totally uneven, which makes uneven treatment more just. As he says, if a couple comes in, and the woman seems more hurt, he lets her speak first. And if the man seems more hurt, he still lets the woman speak first.
"...two decent people, trapped inside a dying relationship. So go love's small murders: tiny everyday escalations of injury, reacted to by disconnection, causing more injury, until you fast-forward to a couple whose initial passion has become so encrusted with disappointment that they barely function as a couple any longer."
There are two parts of a relationship: the parts you get, and the parts you don't get. Being in a relationship is both about cherishing the things you get, and accepting, grieving the things you don't get. You own your choice.
I wouldn't say I feel more passionately, but that I feel more willing to open up. To open your heart, not to an idealized lover, but to this flawed man, woman.
"Perception battle": a contest about reality. They are a huge waste of energy. Where the two are competing with their versions of the truth. His advice? Both people are allowed to be nasty at times. But take turns. Don't be nasty at the same time. "Objective reality has no place in interpersonal relationships."
Our capacity to stay in deep connection on our capacity to bare solitude in the relationship. Only after giving up "the truth" can we learn to speak our truth.
Loving passionately means being able to protect yourself but also to deliver yourself into someones hands, vulnerable and shivering, open to being left, hurt.
The 5 skills he says couples should develop:
Relational-esteem: cherish the relationship, despite it's glaring imperfections. Walks hand in hand with "cherish yourself, despite your glaring imperfections". Esteem.
Learning to speak relationaly: "The way to keep passion alive is by telling the truth."
July 16, 2007
I had to read this book for my Couples Counseling class but I found it surprisingly readable. An interesting take on how the women's movement has empowered women to demand more support and intimacy, but has neglected to teach men how to do this.
May 28, 2008
I only wished I had this book when I was married. Although the book is a bit slow at the beginning, the strategies to open communication between partners given in the last chapters of the book are invaluable. If I ever enter into another long-term relationship I will read this book again in hopes I can communicate with my partner in better and more productive ways. If you're married, you should read it. If you've become disconnected from your spouse or partner, you should read it. If you're going into a relationship, you should read. Wait, everyone should read it! Men and women alike...
February 22, 2024
“Women are unhappy in their marriages because they want men to be more related than most men know how to be. And men are unhappy in their marriages because their women seem so unhappy with them.”
For a book written in 2002, I was impressed by the cis male author’s feminist POV and somewhat modern understanding of fluidity in gender roles. There was barely a whisper about non male-female heterosexual relationships. It was black-and-white in that sense. But after adjusting my expectations and leaning into the lens, I picked up many interesting nuggets from reading this.
“While it is true that girls and women struggle predominantly with shame, boys are subject to a two-step process of first, feeling shame, and then, fleeing from it into grandiosity. Repudiating the inner vulnerability that is made up of equal parts humanity and trauma, boys learn to punish in others what they dare not risk showing themselves…. If the shame escalates, women fear that the man will ‘fall apart,’ that a lifetime’s worth of suppressed pain will flood him, overwhelming him.”
For a book written in 2002, I was impressed by the cis male author’s feminist POV and somewhat modern understanding of fluidity in gender roles. There was barely a whisper about non male-female heterosexual relationships. It was black-and-white in that sense. But after adjusting my expectations and leaning into the lens, I picked up many interesting nuggets from reading this.
“While it is true that girls and women struggle predominantly with shame, boys are subject to a two-step process of first, feeling shame, and then, fleeing from it into grandiosity. Repudiating the inner vulnerability that is made up of equal parts humanity and trauma, boys learn to punish in others what they dare not risk showing themselves…. If the shame escalates, women fear that the man will ‘fall apart,’ that a lifetime’s worth of suppressed pain will flood him, overwhelming him.”
September 1, 2024
I was going to give this 4 stars based mostly on the mere fact of it being written about relationships between “men” and “women” but that feels unnecessarily stubborn. This is an incredible book. I cried at the last few pages, which is not something I thought a non-fiction book about relationships could make me do. This is the work. Anyone who wishes to/is in relationship with men MUST read this. And avoid flattening your reading experience and taking at surface level the labels of “man” and “woman”. As a nonbinary person, I saw myself in both, and I think recognising the nuance in your own personal socialisation will help you to get what you need out of this work, no matter your gender or the genders of those you’re in relationship with. This is a messy review! Highly highly recommend.
July 4, 2009
patriarchy- pushing men to the masculine and women to the feminine and what a mess that will make of ur life and everybody is suffering from it in one way or another. Most important book iv ever read. Also passive dependancy disorder! commonest disorder amongst society, and much more! Best book to mature the soul and help balance the masculine and feminine in you by naming its pieces and disfunction.
January 9, 2025
Read as recommended by Khadija Mbowe. But hmmm m... It made me simultaneously curious about what it would be like to have a therapist and dubious of how heteronormative and individualistic therapy at large seems to be.
November 4, 2015
Again, Terrence Real has me thinking hard about myself, my marriages, and the marriages of the people in my church. Fascinating.
April 29, 2023
The creative writing can be very tired but the insights themselves are deeply illuminating and some of the case studies are especially moving.
December 23, 2023
This book helped me empathize with men — something that’s been very difficult for me recently. Terry highlights the way patriarchy affects men relationally and how it impacts women too; patriarchy is oppressive to everyone (albeit different ways). Super helpful. I liked the first half and ADORED the second half— it even brought me to tears twice. I will revisit my notes from this again and again. I have more respect for Terry Real than ever.
May 27, 2024
A moving and compassionate work, not only as a text on therapy, but as a book generally.
October 18, 2018
As I read this book, my mind returned over and over to wondering if I could have read and absorbed the discussions in this book when I was younger, whether I would have been receptive enough to the messages and ideas to have approached my 20s and early 30s with more wisdom, more clarity. Inevitably, I sense I would not have been, even if I had picked up such a book in the first place. Even coming from where I am now in my life, this book sat around for weeks until I finally started flipping through it, then devoured it in days.
I see myself in almost every page, in my own attitudes toward emotion and weakness and strength, in my still deeply held subconscious derision of all things coded feminine, in my own struggle to be conscious of what I am feeling and where that feeling comes from. It is impossible to write a review on the mobile app at the moment, so I will have to return when I can see more than a single line of text at a time....
I see myself in almost every page, in my own attitudes toward emotion and weakness and strength, in my still deeply held subconscious derision of all things coded feminine, in my own struggle to be conscious of what I am feeling and where that feeling comes from. It is impossible to write a review on the mobile app at the moment, so I will have to return when I can see more than a single line of text at a time....
October 12, 2022
I finished this book over a couple of months. Terrence Real is one of those pioneers in doing great work for toxic masculinity. I've been quite interested in the way gender and heterosexual dynamics work in our society and read a few books about it from various perspectives and authors, like Audre Lorde, bell hooks, nonfiction about violence against women. The next step was really to hear from a male author about the issues with masculinity - depressingly relevant with the frequency of news reports of violence committed by men nowadays. Real put into words a lot of my own analysis and thoughts about masculinity and he goes further into pulling back the veil and showing exactly how men and women relate to each other in intimate relationships, in the socialization a child receives to become a man and a woman and the unique wounds they leave. I enjoyed this book tremendously.
October 1, 2018
Wow!
This book breaks down relationships and the work they require into small pieces that I, as a therapist and a wife, can implement instantly into my relationship and the relationships of my clients. Excellent!
This book breaks down relationships and the work they require into small pieces that I, as a therapist and a wife, can implement instantly into my relationship and the relationships of my clients. Excellent!
June 3, 2022
absolutely mind blowing. incredibly written, a beautiful mesh of the rawness of real life and the mechanisms of psychological patriarchy.
idk if I’ll follow through with this but I’d love to read it again in a year or two’s time and see if it resonates with me differently
idk if I’ll follow through with this but I’d love to read it again in a year or two’s time and see if it resonates with me differently
December 11, 2007
Wanna know more about relationships and how to close the intimacy gap between men and women? I highly recommend a perusal...
November 14, 2008
I loved this book. Can see that different people reading this would get different messages. My partner read it with me and we both saw good and helpful insights - but not always the same ones!
November 12, 2024
Very important book, for both sexes to establish real connection and partnership. Names the damages patriarchy caused to human relations, as well as traps feminism and individualism lead us into. Definitely goes to my 'To Read Again' list.
December 19, 2024
This author usually comes through for me especially when working with difficult people.
July 11, 2024
Really powerful stuff. Thoughtful and compassionate while still taking men to task for some of our behavior. One of those books that helps you realize stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know
February 9, 2020
A superb book, and together with Your Brain on Sex forms a powerful narrative for just how important getting better at relationship really is for people. Wounds from childhood are inevitable, and these two books describe how relationships that are aware, alive and attuned can help resolve these wounds.
As a man reading this book I found it unflinchingly real, particularly where Terry gets Real (sorry, couldn't help myself) and makes it clear that he typically DOES take sides in relationship counselling, and it's usually the female's side because women have typically a better sense of the truth of a relationship. Having fought long and hard to get partners to "just see my perspective for once", this was confronting.
It's an immensely important book for anybody to read, whether inside a relationship or not. Unless you're planning to never be in a relationship, or would rather live out the same old broken relationship dynamic just with different people, in which case move right along.
As a man reading this book I found it unflinchingly real, particularly where Terry gets Real (sorry, couldn't help myself) and makes it clear that he typically DOES take sides in relationship counselling, and it's usually the female's side because women have typically a better sense of the truth of a relationship. Having fought long and hard to get partners to "just see my perspective for once", this was confronting.
It's an immensely important book for anybody to read, whether inside a relationship or not. Unless you're planning to never be in a relationship, or would rather live out the same old broken relationship dynamic just with different people, in which case move right along.
June 8, 2018
“Women are unhappy in their marriages because they want men to be more related than most men know how to be. And men are unhappy in their marriages because their women seem so unhappy with them.”
This quote really resonates with me regarding working with women and couples in therapy. There often seems to be a frustration on the woman’s part that their husbands are not better connected and relinquishing on the mans part trying because it’s never enough. In this book Terrence Real teaches couples how to change this typical way of interacting by encouraging men to be more vulnerable and women to be more direct about what they need and will tolerate.
This quote really resonates with me regarding working with women and couples in therapy. There often seems to be a frustration on the woman’s part that their husbands are not better connected and relinquishing on the mans part trying because it’s never enough. In this book Terrence Real teaches couples how to change this typical way of interacting by encouraging men to be more vulnerable and women to be more direct about what they need and will tolerate.
November 3, 2018
While reading this book, several times I had the thought, I love Terry Real’s work.
What is refreshing is how he breaks down the cultural underpinnings of our modern-day relational problems. From how men and women are raised, to how our cultural love stories have created a perverse image of love that is rooted in patriarchy.
In this book you can see Terry begin to formalize his modality for couple therapy, which is now called RLT.
As a couple therapist, I loved this book. As someone who wants to keep a strong marriage, I loved this book. Also, what is inviting about his work is how he shares his own difficulties with his marriage and his own “relational recovery.”
What is refreshing is how he breaks down the cultural underpinnings of our modern-day relational problems. From how men and women are raised, to how our cultural love stories have created a perverse image of love that is rooted in patriarchy.
In this book you can see Terry begin to formalize his modality for couple therapy, which is now called RLT.
As a couple therapist, I loved this book. As someone who wants to keep a strong marriage, I loved this book. Also, what is inviting about his work is how he shares his own difficulties with his marriage and his own “relational recovery.”
January 15, 2019
Wow, this is a must read for any therapist, future therapist, or any person in a relationship. I love that he acknowledges the damage that patriarchy has done to not just women, but also men, and how we can and should adjust to this important shift taking place in modern society. Recognizing the damage inflicted because of the subtle or overt messages we have all received being raised in such a system is essential to making the correct steps to repair and heal our relationships with others an ourselves. I rented this audio book from the library but will be purchasing a hard copy because it will be continually referenced for years to come.
November 20, 2013
I start a lot of self-help books, but many don't pan out. This one was fantastic though. I originally got it from the library, but once I read about halfway through, I bought my own copy so I could mark the parts I thought were important. The book is now thoroughly marked, and even though I just finished it, I'm going to keep it out for reference. It's helped me to understand quite a bit about relationships between men and women. Terry's writing was informative, easy to read and engaging. I only wish he would have had more concrete examples.
March 8, 2010
I was not sure what to expect from this book, but I liked it. With a husband who is reluctant to read "self help" books, I was surprised that he gladly read it. It is one of the easier to read relationship books I have read in a long time. It mainly let me understand men better - which was great because my husband says I don't understand men, but he won't explain them to me so I had to find the information somewhere!
I liked it enough that I am going to hunt down his other books.
I liked it enough that I am going to hunt down his other books.
September 11, 2018
Almost Perfect
Deep insights that are needed in this culture, and on this planet, at this time. Terrence Real understands women and understands men. A rare skill! This book is a must for all couples who suffer and who want to heal.
Deep insights that are needed in this culture, and on this planet, at this time. Terrence Real understands women and understands men. A rare skill! This book is a must for all couples who suffer and who want to heal.
October 11, 2018
I loved it! I think it's not an understatement if I say this is one of the best books I have ever read. Books like this should be mandatory in high school or universities at least. It was hard to put it down, and I can't wait to read more from Terry.
November 17, 2018
The detrimental effects of psychological partriarchy on both sexes.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 122 reviews