Don't: A Woman's Word

by Elly Danica

Book by Danica, Elly

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Feminism

94 pages, Paperback

First published December 1, 1988

Reviews

[nasti]

no rating for this one. this autobiography was incredibly tough to get through—truly horrific and sickening. be careful only to read when in a stable mood. the depth of the author’s pain is overwhelming and makes the reader feel utterly disgusted and helpless. sadly this is not only the cruel fate of danica but a brutal reality for many, with stats showing that 25% of women face child sexual abuse and one in four experiences some form of rape. it’s heartbreaking and disturbing, but so important to confront these truths. not an easy read, but so so so important to have her and other victims speak up.

[Suzette Kunz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the memoir of a woman who was a victim of childhood sexual abuse and incest. It's not something I would normally seek out, but it kept coming up as a reference text in a lot of my research on trauma theory for my dissertation.

As a trauma text, it models a lot of what trauma theory talks about since the story is told in a fragmented, non-linear way. She really conveys the confusion, pain, distrust, agony that she felt as a little girl. Reading about the abuse is very hard. It's even more frustrating to read about the way her mother (also a victim) allowed her abuse and the way her father (step father I think) turned the other children in the family against her. It's also probably significant to note that her stepfather wasn't simply an abuser he was a producer of child pornography and a child trafficker.

One of the articles I read recently really emphasizes that victims of incest develop coping behaviors that often categorize them as "borderline" personality types. She says there is still a high degree of intolerance and misunderstanding of incest survivors because it is a huge taboo in our society. While as a society we may be comfortable reaching out to victims of other types of abuse, we aren't as good at helping these victims.

There is a hopeful note at the end of the book where she talks about finding a space where she can live and heal and that she has a support system of friends who love and reach out to her in understanding ways.

[Mookie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Elly Danica's mother couldn't meet her eyes, as she stood there taking photos in a room full of men paying to assault her daughter. Eventually she asks her husband for permission to leave the room, presumably unable to witness this. The next day, the mother yells at the father for laughing at their daughter when she confesses she went to the church to pray. "Last night she was not outraged. Why is she not outraged now? I know. Last night was only rape. This is sacrilege."

There is something so poignantly relateable and visceral about the way Danica writes. The feeling of frost under her fingernails, windows of an abandoned clapboard church on the saskatchewan prairie, the pink insulation creating this womb of warmth and healing as she furiously writes. The t-bar of the heat duct, whistling dust. Also, my favourite new expression "Nobody wants anything to do with a disaster looking for a place to park".

Danica is a great, evocative writer. But this was a tough read. A necessary read, I think.

[Pam Bustin · Rating 5 out of 5]

A strong, brave, and wonderful book.

One of the first books I ever read written by a survivor of Child Sexual Abuse.

Saved my life.
Saved many lives.

Thank you, Elly.

[Rania]

This book made me go nonverbal

[Karen-Leigh · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was a horror story. I bought it because I had been abused as a very very young child and thought it might help me. All it did was show me how lucky I was, that life could have been so much worse. It also rubbed my nose in the fact that this kind of thing is rampant in the world and that knowledge is so sickening and painful and makes me, as a woman, feel helpless and hopeless. This is a book to give nightmares. If I were a praying woman I would be on my knees praying that this woman, a survivor if there ever was one, has the greatest life from now on...she deserves all that and more. I was an adult when I read it and hope it would lay some of my own demons but it only increased them. This is not a book I would read again. I am not sorry I read it but it is one that will haunt me till the day I die.

[Mkittysamom · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow really good book about Trauma and healing!

[Courtney N · Rating 4 out of 5]

Feminist Canadian memoir
Like Rupi Kaur but graphically traumatic.

[Amanda Green · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was recommended to read this book by one of my previous editors (I am an author), purely as she was trying to show me a new technique in writing a memoir in fragments, since my debut book is a memoir. So, although I expected it to be good, I didnt expect the wow factor of Elly’s writing. So very different to write memories literally as they may come to mind, as fragmented thoughts particularly when childhood abuse or any abuse can lead to dissociation and confusion.

It is like no other memoir I have read in the mental health/abuse genre, and if interested in this type of subject, I would recommend reading it. It makes you think!

[Tanya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a powerful book. So sad.

[Lila van der Raadt · Rating 1 out of 5]

If the intention was to write a paedophile's handbook the author should get a 5 star rating.