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Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children
Friends broaden our children’s horizons, share their joys and secrets, and accompany them on their journeys into ever wider worlds. But friends can also gossip and betray, tease and exclude. Children can cause untold suffering, not only for their peers but for parents as well. In this wise and insightful book, psychologist Michael Thompson, Ph.D., and children’s book author Catherine O’Neill Grace, illuminate the crucial and often hidden role that friendship plays in the lives of children from birth through adolescence.
Drawing on fascinating new research as well as their own extensive experience in schools, Thompson and Grace demonstrate that children’s friendships begin early–in infancy–and run exceptionally deep in intensity and loyalty. As children grow, their friendships become more complex and layered but also more emotionally fraught, marked by both extraordinary intimacy and bewildering cruelty. As parents, we watch, and often live through vicariously, the tumult that our children experience as they encounter the “cool” crowd, shifting alliances, bullies, and disloyal best friends.
Best Friends, Worst Enemies brings to life the drama of childhood relationships, guiding parents to a deeper understanding of the motives and meanings of social behavior. Here you will find penetrating discussions of the difference between friendship and popularity, how boys and girls deal in unique ways with intimacy and commitment, whether all kids need a best friend, why cliques form and what you can do about them.
Filled with anecdotes that ring amazingly true to life, Best Friends, Worst Enemies probes the magic and the heartbreak that all children experience with their friends. Parents, teachers, counselors–indeed anyone who cares about children–will find this an eye-opening and wonderfully affirming book.
Drawing on fascinating new research as well as their own extensive experience in schools, Thompson and Grace demonstrate that children’s friendships begin early–in infancy–and run exceptionally deep in intensity and loyalty. As children grow, their friendships become more complex and layered but also more emotionally fraught, marked by both extraordinary intimacy and bewildering cruelty. As parents, we watch, and often live through vicariously, the tumult that our children experience as they encounter the “cool” crowd, shifting alliances, bullies, and disloyal best friends.
Best Friends, Worst Enemies brings to life the drama of childhood relationships, guiding parents to a deeper understanding of the motives and meanings of social behavior. Here you will find penetrating discussions of the difference between friendship and popularity, how boys and girls deal in unique ways with intimacy and commitment, whether all kids need a best friend, why cliques form and what you can do about them.
Filled with anecdotes that ring amazingly true to life, Best Friends, Worst Enemies probes the magic and the heartbreak that all children experience with their friends. Parents, teachers, counselors–indeed anyone who cares about children–will find this an eye-opening and wonderfully affirming book.
299 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2001
79 people are currently reading
1303 people want to read
About the author
Michael G. Thompson
11 books43 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
psychologist, school consultant and international speaker on the subjects of children, schools and parenting
psychologist, school consultant and international speaker on the subjects of children, schools and parenting
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July 29, 2016
3.5 stars. The authors are insightful and compassionate about children and teens. Unfortunately, nearly all the examples are of upper-middle-class straight white people from Massachusetts. I would have found the book more compelling if the authors had made more of an effort to include the rest of the country and different income levels.
Interesting insights:
* Researchers believe that some children are capable of bonding with friends as early as one year old. Children younger than this can't crawl toward the child who interests them. Most of the very young children in day care focus on adults--they track the adults with their eyes to make sure that some other child isn't getting more praise, attention, lap time, and so on. But a few children at this age focus on another child, move toward him or her, hand things to him or her, and (according to teachers) seem to be at a loose end on days when that child is absent.
* Bullies are a part of life, and it's important for parents and teachers to intervene whenever possible. But most people don't realize how essential bystanders are to the bullying process. If other children stick up for the bullied child, then the bully rarely makes another attempt at teasing. If the others ignore or encourage the behavior, the bully continues.
* "Bullies are allowed to do the dirty work of the group, picking on rejected kids. They are stopped from bullying just anyone."
* To reduce the amount of bullying and hazing at a school, stop lecturing teachers and students about bullying and start trying to understand the entire social system at the school. You'll need students' help with this because they witness the subtle bullying--unkind remarks and exclusions as opposed to hitting and shoving.
* Cliques are also part of life. Children and adults are fascinated with them because cliques are an opportunity to experiment with power--whether they're in the middle school lunchroom or in a courtroom or in Congress.
Interesting insights:
* Researchers believe that some children are capable of bonding with friends as early as one year old. Children younger than this can't crawl toward the child who interests them. Most of the very young children in day care focus on adults--they track the adults with their eyes to make sure that some other child isn't getting more praise, attention, lap time, and so on. But a few children at this age focus on another child, move toward him or her, hand things to him or her, and (according to teachers) seem to be at a loose end on days when that child is absent.
* Bullies are a part of life, and it's important for parents and teachers to intervene whenever possible. But most people don't realize how essential bystanders are to the bullying process. If other children stick up for the bullied child, then the bully rarely makes another attempt at teasing. If the others ignore or encourage the behavior, the bully continues.
* "Bullies are allowed to do the dirty work of the group, picking on rejected kids. They are stopped from bullying just anyone."
* To reduce the amount of bullying and hazing at a school, stop lecturing teachers and students about bullying and start trying to understand the entire social system at the school. You'll need students' help with this because they witness the subtle bullying--unkind remarks and exclusions as opposed to hitting and shoving.
* Cliques are also part of life. Children and adults are fascinated with them because cliques are an opportunity to experiment with power--whether they're in the middle school lunchroom or in a courtroom or in Congress.
July 27, 2016
5 Basic Types of Kids:
1. Popular: 15%; boys- athleticism/verbally quick; girls- attractiveness/sociability, all-wealth/class status; high levels of sociability, cognitive ability and low levels of aggression, withdrawl; social skills draw others to them because they have more fun with them.
2. Accepted: 45%; high cognitive and sociability, low aggression, disruptiveness, and withdrawl.
3. Rejected:10-12%; most socially at risk; A) rejected-submissive: knows he is "out" of group and accepts it with great pain; respond well to therapy and classroom interventions. B) regected-aggressive: display high aggression and disruptive behavior; suffers peer rejection; can make peers fearful of their unpredictable behavior; early interventions are strongly recommended.
4. Neglected: 4%; neither liked or disliked, neither disruptive or overly distressed; socially off the radar; often compliant, adult-oriented, academically high achieving; may benefit socially by being drawn out or coached in sociability.
5. Controversial: 4%; liked AND disliked; often class clowns, queen bees, bullies, or rebels.
Extra: Ambiguous: 20%; may have characteristics from multiple categories but don't make cutoff for any specific one.
Bullying:
*Bullies tend to be physically larger, verbally facile, at ease with high levels of aggression, tend to not experience a high level of guilt, and don't have high educational aspirations. Victims are Opposites: physically smaller, share adult values, close to parents or teachers.
*2 kinds: 1) insecure bully: lacks social skills and picks on others to attempt to gain popularity. Likely to lose popularity at clumsy attempts of domination. 2) Socially skilled: able to intuit how others feel and exploit it.
Hazing:
Kids can be cruel to each other and want to be able to do so because it allows them to experiment with power.
Gender wars:
Remember that the way a child behaves at school, under sway of socially powerful kids, may not reflect his or her deepest feelings. A reassuring fact is that children's social pain tends to get better over time.
Conflict, Betrayal, and Managing It:
1.Connection- profound need to be special in another's eyes
2.Recognition - want to compete and feel success to gain recognition
3.Power- often shaped by gender: boys- physical dominance, girls- contemptuous or patronizing
*Every person wants these 3 things. and the very fact of wanting them puts us into conflict with ourselves and our friends.
*The best practice for friendship is having a friend and working out conflicts.
Sex:
Adolescents learn from bitter experience that sex cannot be played as a casual game. They find the heart and body are connected.
Teens don't know that good sex takes a depth of intimacy and maturity. We need to tell them the most gratifying sex is found in committed, loving partnerships characterized by equality and open communication.
Final Thoughts:
1. Friendships are more important than popularity.
2. Support children's friendships.
3. Make kids welcome in your home.
4. Be a good role model and teacher on friendships.
5. Provide a range of friendship and group opportunities.
6. Make friends with kids' parents and enemies.
Empathize with social pain, but keep it in perspective.
1. Popular: 15%; boys- athleticism/verbally quick; girls- attractiveness/sociability, all-wealth/class status; high levels of sociability, cognitive ability and low levels of aggression, withdrawl; social skills draw others to them because they have more fun with them.
2. Accepted: 45%; high cognitive and sociability, low aggression, disruptiveness, and withdrawl.
3. Rejected:10-12%; most socially at risk; A) rejected-submissive: knows he is "out" of group and accepts it with great pain; respond well to therapy and classroom interventions. B) regected-aggressive: display high aggression and disruptive behavior; suffers peer rejection; can make peers fearful of their unpredictable behavior; early interventions are strongly recommended.
4. Neglected: 4%; neither liked or disliked, neither disruptive or overly distressed; socially off the radar; often compliant, adult-oriented, academically high achieving; may benefit socially by being drawn out or coached in sociability.
5. Controversial: 4%; liked AND disliked; often class clowns, queen bees, bullies, or rebels.
Extra: Ambiguous: 20%; may have characteristics from multiple categories but don't make cutoff for any specific one.
Bullying:
*Bullies tend to be physically larger, verbally facile, at ease with high levels of aggression, tend to not experience a high level of guilt, and don't have high educational aspirations. Victims are Opposites: physically smaller, share adult values, close to parents or teachers.
*2 kinds: 1) insecure bully: lacks social skills and picks on others to attempt to gain popularity. Likely to lose popularity at clumsy attempts of domination. 2) Socially skilled: able to intuit how others feel and exploit it.
Hazing:
Kids can be cruel to each other and want to be able to do so because it allows them to experiment with power.
Gender wars:
Remember that the way a child behaves at school, under sway of socially powerful kids, may not reflect his or her deepest feelings. A reassuring fact is that children's social pain tends to get better over time.
Conflict, Betrayal, and Managing It:
1.Connection- profound need to be special in another's eyes
2.Recognition - want to compete and feel success to gain recognition
3.Power- often shaped by gender: boys- physical dominance, girls- contemptuous or patronizing
*Every person wants these 3 things. and the very fact of wanting them puts us into conflict with ourselves and our friends.
*The best practice for friendship is having a friend and working out conflicts.
Sex:
Adolescents learn from bitter experience that sex cannot be played as a casual game. They find the heart and body are connected.
Teens don't know that good sex takes a depth of intimacy and maturity. We need to tell them the most gratifying sex is found in committed, loving partnerships characterized by equality and open communication.
Final Thoughts:
1. Friendships are more important than popularity.
2. Support children's friendships.
3. Make kids welcome in your home.
4. Be a good role model and teacher on friendships.
5. Provide a range of friendship and group opportunities.
6. Make friends with kids' parents and enemies.
Empathize with social pain, but keep it in perspective.
December 3, 2015
305.231 THO
High recommended.
Coauthor of "Raising Cain"
also author of Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons
my summary: this is complete psychological evaluation and explanation of the social life of children. It is not only to understand children, but also provide the guidance to adult social life. I like chap 5 In the Jungle: the power of the group in children's Lives. a very through psychological explanation of group life.
Chap 6: Social Cruelty in the lives of children is deep psychological analysis of social cruelty on bully, hazing.
1. Summary of Social life: Clique, Social status in social hierarchy. Difference between social popularity and true friendship
2. devoted friendship, battle over popularity, parental anguish over social cruelty.
3. Parents Listen sympathetically, stay confident, provide opportunities, our own early attachment, and love for our children. How to nourish multiplicity vs. enforced uniformity of peer groups.
4. P22 It seems contradictory, but if you want you child to be adventurous, you need to cuddle her more. If you want to child to always be close, you need to applaud her exploration. --my words: it confirms with my child's rearing experience. I always find if you want the child do something, you just need to cultivate opposite stuff.
5. Chap 3 p44 Most children younger than 3 are not able to share consistently enough to make regularly reciprocal play possible. By 5, most children have taken that development step. terms: play plateau.
p40 Social skills and friendship are not the same thing.
6. Good friendship: Loyalty, intimacy, reciprocity, commitment
7. Chap 5 The laws of Group life
Law 1: "Be like your peers". The peer pressure is not overt and coercive. It comes within, the desire to fit it. p82 Stuart Hauser found that a small fraction of adolescents only 4% -seem to be able to make moral decisions by looking inward to their own conscience and values, instead of outward to the behavior of group.
Law 2: You must belong to a group. All of us hunger for group identity and closeness.
Law 3: Be in or be out.
Law 4: Find a place in the social hierarchy.
Law 5: You must play a role. p90 Every class has a leader, a clown, a suck-up, a goody-goody, a jock, and a flirt. p92 It is difficult for adults to grasp the fact the morality is not just an individual trait. Conscience is part of an individual's makeup, but morality is a phenomenon of the group of which we are a part and the roles we are asked to play. Remember, we all want to be part of the "B-Line Club", even if what the people in the club say or do is flat-out wrong and we know it.
p97 The group will require children to deny parts of themselves; the group will require a child to say and do things that make a parent fell as if he or she no longer recognizes his or her child. If you work with children, you must become accustomed to the "us" and the "them", kids versus adults.
8. Chap 6: Social Cruelty in the lives of children
I. Diffusion of responsibility: no individual sense of responsibility, that is why Cruelty happen in group.
II: Risky shift Group tend to make riskier and groupthink which people suspend their better judgment and go along with group's ideas, values, and ethics. decisions. A powerful personality with a good judgment can influence a group and vice versa.
III Group all have rules. When the rules is "Be nice and don't get trouble", parents are happy. Otherwise, not.
Children suffer at the hands of groups from 4 painful practices.
I. teasing and name-calling
II. exclusion, rejection, and scapegoating
III. Bullying
p123 Almost any child is attracted to the idea of exercising a bully's kind of power if he or she could.
p125 Bully behavior in general becomes more intense starting in 6th grade and continues to be sou up through around 10th grade.
IV. Hazing
p136 why hazing: It is because all children experiment with power and find it exciting...The experience of hurting the feeling of another child and feeling the thrill of one's own power is absolutely universal. .. And the group's way of diffusing responsibility - "everything was doing it" - lessens the burden of guilt or moral culpability.
my comments: why we behavior bad: one reason from the books I read is we project our worst fears on the other people, instead of looking inwards, face our fears to solve it, we vent them outside, ferociously attack them to deny them. It make us look and feel good at expense of their people pains. Homophobia and name-calling, like "sissy", "bitch" all of kinds things we fear.
p106 Rejection by the group is an example of in versus out, exacerbated by the diffusion of moral responsibility that happens when a group has agreed to single someone as a scapegoat. Children who bully feel little or no moral responsibility or empathy. Meanwhile, innocent bystanders suffer from a lack of clear moral direction and are afraid of bully or the group turning against them.
p110 Rejection and exclusion
5 types of kids
popular children: 15%
Accepted children: 45%
Rejected children: 10-12%: rejected-submissive and rejected-aggressive. they are children at highest risk socially.
Neglected children: 4%, neglected children tend to be compliant, adult-oriented, and academically high-achieving
Controversial children: 4% like and dislike at the same time. Class clown (some find entertaining, some find obnoxious), or queens of cliques; bullies; rebels.
Ambiguous children
Rejected issue:
p114 Researchers have found that aggression and disruptive behavior are major causes of peer rejection throughout childhood and elementary school. Children who cannot control their level of anger , or who regularly interrupt the flow of the class become candidates for rejection.
p118-119 10-12% rejected category is not a a rare phenomenon. It is a daily sight in schools. Rejected-submissive and rejected-aggressive children don't just "grow out of i". It takes intelligent, purposeful intervention on the part of educators and parents to reroute these children's lives. The issue of group responsibility is crucial in understanding why a child can be brutally rejected year after year. The group, all rejecting together, diffuses the responsibility so much that no one feels the moral pangs that would lead him or her to stand up to the group and scapegoating.
Bully issue:
Stereotype bully is rare, group bully is normal.
Chap 7
Every child want 3 things in life: connection, recognition and power.
p165 This physical and social jousting begins in nursery school, intensifies in the elementary school, becomes rigidly codified by middle school, and begins to loose its grip in grip school or college.
p173: The tools of dominance:
Girls: excluding, snubbing, backbiting, gossiping
Boys: physical and verbal aggression.
p194 It can be hard to get started in a healthy romantic relationship if these early needs were not met.
p199 reserving sex for a committed, trusting relationship can be true for boys as it is for girls. ...We need to let kids know that the most gratifying and meaningful sex is to be found in committed, loving partnerships characterized by equality and open communication.
Chap 11 What Schools Can do
p216 Holding strong value and using those values to inform your decisions is what makes a moral school
p223 They might be intimidated or afraid of becoming targets themselves, or they might get a vicarious thrill out of the the show. No matter what, they can be encouraged to take an active role in maintaining respect and civility in a school.
Programs:
CCTC (Council to Combat Teen Cruelty); Open Circle; PeaceBuilders
Educating for Character: How Our Schools Can Teach Respect and Responsibility by Thomas Lickona
The Kindness of Children by Vivian Gussin Paley
Practicing Virtues: Moral Traditions at Quaker and Military Boarding Schools by Kim Hays
Chap 12 What Parents Can Do
p240 Recognize the crucial difference between Friendship and popularity, friendship is more important.
p242 According to researchers, of the 8 essential elements a child receives from other children as he grows up, 7 can be found in friendship. There are affection, intimacy, a reliable alliance, instrumental aid, nurturance, companionship, and an enhancement of self-worth. Only one thing can not provide is the sense of inclusion of group.
1. Don't worry so much. Remember that you gave your child a sociable start in life
2. Recognize the crucial difference between friendship and popularity. Friendship is more important.
3. Support children's friendship
4. Make our child's friends welcome in your home.
5. Be a good friendship role and teacher.
6. Provide a wide range of friendship and group opportunities.
7. Make friends with the parents of your child's friend (and enemies)
8. Emphasize with your child's social pain, but keep it perspective.
p252 There are 4 reasons why parents feel the pain more. First, children get over it sooner. Second, children are highly motivated to work things out and reconcile with their friends and peer group. Third, they deliberately hand over their pain to us so we can carry it for a while. Fourth, and most significantly, we suffer from excesses of empathy because we we carry around all our own old memories of ow we were treated as children and how we felt about it.
9. Know where you child stands in the group. If your child is in trouble socially, step in to help. If your child is popular or accepted, help him or her be a positive moral leader. Don't act like middle schooler yourself.
p257 60% of children are going to be in the popular or accepted categories at school; 20% are classified as ambiguous but not considered at risk. Then 4% of neglected children who have make that one vital friend by the end of elementary school are considered to be out of harm's ay. That leaves approximately 15% who are at risk. They may be lonely at best and mercilessly teased at worst. If your child is one of these kids, you have to face this painful fact and wade in to help before your child drowns.
There are 5 things you can do if you suspect your child is social trouble. Frist, you need to talk with your child's teacher. Second, you need to assess whether you child lacks some social skills. Third, you must ask yourself whether your child's troubles are sufficiently serious to warrant some psychotherapy. Fourth, you should consider family therapy. Fifth, if your child is isolated, you should keep up your connections with other parents.
10. Take the long view.
researchers: Willard Hartup, Hohn Coie, Kenneth Dodge
psychological and psychoanalytic theorists: Sigmund Freud, Alfred Alder, Abraham Maslow.
Books referred:
The Two Sexes: Growing Up Apart, Coming Together by Eleanor Emmons Maccoby
Peacemaking Among Primates by Frans de Waal
Desegregated Schools: Appraisals of an American Experiment Ray C. Rist
Children's Friendships In Culturally Diverse Classrooms by James G. Deegan
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
High recommended.
Coauthor of "Raising Cain"
also author of Speaking of Boys: Answers to the Most-Asked Questions About Raising Sons
my summary: this is complete psychological evaluation and explanation of the social life of children. It is not only to understand children, but also provide the guidance to adult social life. I like chap 5 In the Jungle: the power of the group in children's Lives. a very through psychological explanation of group life.
Chap 6: Social Cruelty in the lives of children is deep psychological analysis of social cruelty on bully, hazing.
1. Summary of Social life: Clique, Social status in social hierarchy. Difference between social popularity and true friendship
2. devoted friendship, battle over popularity, parental anguish over social cruelty.
3. Parents Listen sympathetically, stay confident, provide opportunities, our own early attachment, and love for our children. How to nourish multiplicity vs. enforced uniformity of peer groups.
4. P22 It seems contradictory, but if you want you child to be adventurous, you need to cuddle her more. If you want to child to always be close, you need to applaud her exploration. --my words: it confirms with my child's rearing experience. I always find if you want the child do something, you just need to cultivate opposite stuff.
5. Chap 3 p44 Most children younger than 3 are not able to share consistently enough to make regularly reciprocal play possible. By 5, most children have taken that development step. terms: play plateau.
p40 Social skills and friendship are not the same thing.
6. Good friendship: Loyalty, intimacy, reciprocity, commitment
7. Chap 5 The laws of Group life
Law 1: "Be like your peers". The peer pressure is not overt and coercive. It comes within, the desire to fit it. p82 Stuart Hauser found that a small fraction of adolescents only 4% -seem to be able to make moral decisions by looking inward to their own conscience and values, instead of outward to the behavior of group.
Law 2: You must belong to a group. All of us hunger for group identity and closeness.
Law 3: Be in or be out.
Law 4: Find a place in the social hierarchy.
Law 5: You must play a role. p90 Every class has a leader, a clown, a suck-up, a goody-goody, a jock, and a flirt. p92 It is difficult for adults to grasp the fact the morality is not just an individual trait. Conscience is part of an individual's makeup, but morality is a phenomenon of the group of which we are a part and the roles we are asked to play. Remember, we all want to be part of the "B-Line Club", even if what the people in the club say or do is flat-out wrong and we know it.
p97 The group will require children to deny parts of themselves; the group will require a child to say and do things that make a parent fell as if he or she no longer recognizes his or her child. If you work with children, you must become accustomed to the "us" and the "them", kids versus adults.
8. Chap 6: Social Cruelty in the lives of children
I. Diffusion of responsibility: no individual sense of responsibility, that is why Cruelty happen in group.
II: Risky shift Group tend to make riskier and groupthink which people suspend their better judgment and go along with group's ideas, values, and ethics. decisions. A powerful personality with a good judgment can influence a group and vice versa.
III Group all have rules. When the rules is "Be nice and don't get trouble", parents are happy. Otherwise, not.
Children suffer at the hands of groups from 4 painful practices.
I. teasing and name-calling
II. exclusion, rejection, and scapegoating
III. Bullying
p123 Almost any child is attracted to the idea of exercising a bully's kind of power if he or she could.
p125 Bully behavior in general becomes more intense starting in 6th grade and continues to be sou up through around 10th grade.
IV. Hazing
p136 why hazing: It is because all children experiment with power and find it exciting...The experience of hurting the feeling of another child and feeling the thrill of one's own power is absolutely universal. .. And the group's way of diffusing responsibility - "everything was doing it" - lessens the burden of guilt or moral culpability.
my comments: why we behavior bad: one reason from the books I read is we project our worst fears on the other people, instead of looking inwards, face our fears to solve it, we vent them outside, ferociously attack them to deny them. It make us look and feel good at expense of their people pains. Homophobia and name-calling, like "sissy", "bitch" all of kinds things we fear.
p106 Rejection by the group is an example of in versus out, exacerbated by the diffusion of moral responsibility that happens when a group has agreed to single someone as a scapegoat. Children who bully feel little or no moral responsibility or empathy. Meanwhile, innocent bystanders suffer from a lack of clear moral direction and are afraid of bully or the group turning against them.
p110 Rejection and exclusion
5 types of kids
popular children: 15%
Accepted children: 45%
Rejected children: 10-12%: rejected-submissive and rejected-aggressive. they are children at highest risk socially.
Neglected children: 4%, neglected children tend to be compliant, adult-oriented, and academically high-achieving
Controversial children: 4% like and dislike at the same time. Class clown (some find entertaining, some find obnoxious), or queens of cliques; bullies; rebels.
Ambiguous children
Rejected issue:
p114 Researchers have found that aggression and disruptive behavior are major causes of peer rejection throughout childhood and elementary school. Children who cannot control their level of anger , or who regularly interrupt the flow of the class become candidates for rejection.
p118-119 10-12% rejected category is not a a rare phenomenon. It is a daily sight in schools. Rejected-submissive and rejected-aggressive children don't just "grow out of i". It takes intelligent, purposeful intervention on the part of educators and parents to reroute these children's lives. The issue of group responsibility is crucial in understanding why a child can be brutally rejected year after year. The group, all rejecting together, diffuses the responsibility so much that no one feels the moral pangs that would lead him or her to stand up to the group and scapegoating.
Bully issue:
Stereotype bully is rare, group bully is normal.
Chap 7
Every child want 3 things in life: connection, recognition and power.
p165 This physical and social jousting begins in nursery school, intensifies in the elementary school, becomes rigidly codified by middle school, and begins to loose its grip in grip school or college.
p173: The tools of dominance:
Girls: excluding, snubbing, backbiting, gossiping
Boys: physical and verbal aggression.
p194 It can be hard to get started in a healthy romantic relationship if these early needs were not met.
p199 reserving sex for a committed, trusting relationship can be true for boys as it is for girls. ...We need to let kids know that the most gratifying and meaningful sex is to be found in committed, loving partnerships characterized by equality and open communication.
Chap 11 What Schools Can do
p216 Holding strong value and using those values to inform your decisions is what makes a moral school
p223 They might be intimidated or afraid of becoming targets themselves, or they might get a vicarious thrill out of the the show. No matter what, they can be encouraged to take an active role in maintaining respect and civility in a school.
Programs:
CCTC (Council to Combat Teen Cruelty); Open Circle; PeaceBuilders
Educating for Character: How Our Schools Can Teach Respect and Responsibility by Thomas Lickona
The Kindness of Children by Vivian Gussin Paley
Practicing Virtues: Moral Traditions at Quaker and Military Boarding Schools by Kim Hays
Chap 12 What Parents Can Do
p240 Recognize the crucial difference between Friendship and popularity, friendship is more important.
p242 According to researchers, of the 8 essential elements a child receives from other children as he grows up, 7 can be found in friendship. There are affection, intimacy, a reliable alliance, instrumental aid, nurturance, companionship, and an enhancement of self-worth. Only one thing can not provide is the sense of inclusion of group.
1. Don't worry so much. Remember that you gave your child a sociable start in life
2. Recognize the crucial difference between friendship and popularity. Friendship is more important.
3. Support children's friendship
4. Make our child's friends welcome in your home.
5. Be a good friendship role and teacher.
6. Provide a wide range of friendship and group opportunities.
7. Make friends with the parents of your child's friend (and enemies)
8. Emphasize with your child's social pain, but keep it perspective.
p252 There are 4 reasons why parents feel the pain more. First, children get over it sooner. Second, children are highly motivated to work things out and reconcile with their friends and peer group. Third, they deliberately hand over their pain to us so we can carry it for a while. Fourth, and most significantly, we suffer from excesses of empathy because we we carry around all our own old memories of ow we were treated as children and how we felt about it.
9. Know where you child stands in the group. If your child is in trouble socially, step in to help. If your child is popular or accepted, help him or her be a positive moral leader. Don't act like middle schooler yourself.
p257 60% of children are going to be in the popular or accepted categories at school; 20% are classified as ambiguous but not considered at risk. Then 4% of neglected children who have make that one vital friend by the end of elementary school are considered to be out of harm's ay. That leaves approximately 15% who are at risk. They may be lonely at best and mercilessly teased at worst. If your child is one of these kids, you have to face this painful fact and wade in to help before your child drowns.
There are 5 things you can do if you suspect your child is social trouble. Frist, you need to talk with your child's teacher. Second, you need to assess whether you child lacks some social skills. Third, you must ask yourself whether your child's troubles are sufficiently serious to warrant some psychotherapy. Fourth, you should consider family therapy. Fifth, if your child is isolated, you should keep up your connections with other parents.
10. Take the long view.
researchers: Willard Hartup, Hohn Coie, Kenneth Dodge
psychological and psychoanalytic theorists: Sigmund Freud, Alfred Alder, Abraham Maslow.
Books referred:
The Two Sexes: Growing Up Apart, Coming Together by Eleanor Emmons Maccoby
Peacemaking Among Primates by Frans de Waal
Desegregated Schools: Appraisals of an American Experiment Ray C. Rist
Children's Friendships In Culturally Diverse Classrooms by James G. Deegan
Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen
January 30, 2025
I listened to this book. I think the last chapter should be required reading for every parent. My kids have had some social struggles (as do all kids) and this book REALLY helped me put things in perspective and gave me some tools that are backed up by research to help them in a supportive way. Kids will always have social struggles and that is important and part of being human. I will likely relisten to this book many times throughout my kids’ school lives.
November 6, 2022
Honestly, there was a lot of good perspective in this book, but I found it really hard to like or feel inspired by after some of the early discussions.
Early on it talks about the impact of parents - but really just as mothers as your child's "first friends." Parts of the early book felt like "as a mother your child's central attachment figure and if you don't get this right, then your child may struggle with friendships and other relationships for the rest of their life."
I suspect the author didn't mean to make it sound this way, but there sure seemed to be a lack of context around why women so often lack the support to be the attachment figures they would like to be for their children, given the lack of support they often receive from society, their partners, childcare, and other weakening local support structures. With the book being primarily authored by a man, it really rubbed me the wrong way.
Other books thread this needle better such as books in the The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive series.
Otherwise there were some good reminders in there for parents to walk a middle-path with their kids. Standing back and letting kids do a good amount of social learning on their own, while also providing a needed back-up and providing information of major red-flags to look for. It was also helpful to hear what kind of questions you might ask teachers to see if you can confirm or hopefully dispel concerns you might be having at home.
It's a humbling reminder that as children build the social skills that will help them as adults, they are not immune to the same social pressures we still experience as adults. And that even if we'd love for our kids to rise above it, they are still humans, and like us - have a real need for social connection. So they will still need friends (even if those around aren't the ones you'd pick for them), they will still face peer pressure (fitting in with the crowd is still important for us as adults at least to some degree), there will be people who use their social power in cruel ways (we've probably done that ourselves a time or two).
The social training wheels are on, and it's bound to be a bumpy ride. They're likely to fall off but also learn - ultimately how to keep their balance. You're there to help decrease the odds they break in ways that are hard to fix, and don't go seriously hurting others in the process.
Early on it talks about the impact of parents - but really just as mothers as your child's "first friends." Parts of the early book felt like "as a mother your child's central attachment figure and if you don't get this right, then your child may struggle with friendships and other relationships for the rest of their life."
I suspect the author didn't mean to make it sound this way, but there sure seemed to be a lack of context around why women so often lack the support to be the attachment figures they would like to be for their children, given the lack of support they often receive from society, their partners, childcare, and other weakening local support structures. With the book being primarily authored by a man, it really rubbed me the wrong way.
Other books thread this needle better such as books in the The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive series.
Otherwise there were some good reminders in there for parents to walk a middle-path with their kids. Standing back and letting kids do a good amount of social learning on their own, while also providing a needed back-up and providing information of major red-flags to look for. It was also helpful to hear what kind of questions you might ask teachers to see if you can confirm or hopefully dispel concerns you might be having at home.
It's a humbling reminder that as children build the social skills that will help them as adults, they are not immune to the same social pressures we still experience as adults. And that even if we'd love for our kids to rise above it, they are still humans, and like us - have a real need for social connection. So they will still need friends (even if those around aren't the ones you'd pick for them), they will still face peer pressure (fitting in with the crowd is still important for us as adults at least to some degree), there will be people who use their social power in cruel ways (we've probably done that ourselves a time or two).
The social training wheels are on, and it's bound to be a bumpy ride. They're likely to fall off but also learn - ultimately how to keep their balance. You're there to help decrease the odds they break in ways that are hard to fix, and don't go seriously hurting others in the process.
July 23, 2014
While this book is a little dated in its references to technology (which I'm sure play a greater role now-a-days) I feel like the author prepared me a bit for the horrors that await me as my kids enter middle school. I read this in order to understand more about the pressures that kids are under and what I can do to help as a parent.
I learned much about the experience of girls (generally of course) versus boys. Reading this is a schizophrenic experience since you'll be comparing his comments with your own childhood experience and then seconds later anticipating going through it as a parent.
I'd recommend this book to any parent, but especially parents who are concerned that their kids could bully or be bullied. I think about this because I think I was bullied but also because the experience of bullying is probably very different for today's kids.
There's an element of the Lovecraftian where I pale at the unspeakable cruelties that he describes as a normal part of growing up anywhere. He leaves some hope that while kids can be crueler than any well-functioning adult, they can also be angelically kind to others.
I found the writing style to be readable and devoid of that annoying fluff that authors with only one idea use to pad out their purchase-catalyzing title. There's much to learn here and I plan to refer back to it.
I learned much about the experience of girls (generally of course) versus boys. Reading this is a schizophrenic experience since you'll be comparing his comments with your own childhood experience and then seconds later anticipating going through it as a parent.
I'd recommend this book to any parent, but especially parents who are concerned that their kids could bully or be bullied. I think about this because I think I was bullied but also because the experience of bullying is probably very different for today's kids.
There's an element of the Lovecraftian where I pale at the unspeakable cruelties that he describes as a normal part of growing up anywhere. He leaves some hope that while kids can be crueler than any well-functioning adult, they can also be angelically kind to others.
I found the writing style to be readable and devoid of that annoying fluff that authors with only one idea use to pad out their purchase-catalyzing title. There's much to learn here and I plan to refer back to it.
February 24, 2020
This book describes how kids interact with their friends. It was sexist, making blanket statements like "all middle school girls speak clothes-ese" (not kidding) and placing a lot of the burden/blame on children's social development on mothers. The focus was largely descriptive, which I found unhelpful. The very last chapter had helpful suggestions about how to be a good facilitator of children's relationships, but the advice didn't outweigh the rest of the overly lengthy book.
April 17, 2012
Not as good as I had hoped, and very broad- covering from early childhood through adolescence. I don't think that is helpful to parents who are seeing their kids struggle socially right now. But, still good general info.
August 27, 2020
Một cuốn sách đúng thời điểm khi con chuẩn bị bước vào ngưỡng cửa teenager, rất thời sự và không kém phần thú vị.
Sách giúp mình hiểu hơn về đời sống xã hội của trẻ, nhất là ảnh hưởng cực mạnh của nhóm đối với từng cá nhân trẻ. Ảnh hưởng có thể tích cực, nhưng thường khi ảnh hưởng tiêu cực thì các bậc cha mẹ dễ thấy rõ nhất. Ấy là khi mà con trẻ muốn được thuộc về một nhóm nào đó, và phải từ bỏ 1 số cá tính, thậm chí phải phản bội lại nguyên tắc của chính mình, xa rời bạn thân (vì bạn không được nhóm chấp nhận), thực hiện những hành vi sai quấy dưới kích động của nhóm mà nếu với tư cách cá nhân con khi ở 1 mình sẽ không bao giờ thực hiện... (chương 5). Thực ra người lớn cũng vậy thôi nhưng tỉnh táo và chín chắn hơn. Đọc thấm thía và xót xa với những ví dụ buồn mà Michael Thompson đưa ra.
Một thực tế được quan sát bởi tác giả là khi con trẻ bị chối bỏ, xa lánh, không có bạn, hoặc bị bắt nạt thì thường phụ huynh lại là người cảm thấy đau nhiều và đau lâu hơn, vì những liên tưởng tới chính tuổi thơ của phụ huynh, và vì cảm giác bất lực, không biết làm thế nào để giúp con. Trong khi việc cần làm chỉ là thấu hiểu, chấp nhận, hỗ trợ hành vi tử tế và quan tâm đến nhau của trẻ, và mặc con giải quyết vấn đề rắc rối vì thường con có bản năng giải quyết và quên nhanh chóng. Hơn 80% các nỗi đau của trẻ con đều sẽ được các con tự giải quyết. Nhưng cũng có khoảng 15% nỗi đau thực sự quá lớn và cần phải tác động trước khi quá muộn (con cảm thấy cô độc tột đỉnh, hoặc bị chế giễu tàn nhẫn), khi đó bố mẹ phải thật tỉnh táo, giang tay ra cứu con, không để xảy ra hậu quả đáng tiếc.
"Nói cho cùng, trẻ đến với cuộc đời chúng ta để làm khuynh đảo giả định của chúng ta, cố tình chọc giận chúng ta và giúp chúng ta trưởng thành hơn."
Sách giúp mình hiểu hơn về đời sống xã hội của trẻ, nhất là ảnh hưởng cực mạnh của nhóm đối với từng cá nhân trẻ. Ảnh hưởng có thể tích cực, nhưng thường khi ảnh hưởng tiêu cực thì các bậc cha mẹ dễ thấy rõ nhất. Ấy là khi mà con trẻ muốn được thuộc về một nhóm nào đó, và phải từ bỏ 1 số cá tính, thậm chí phải phản bội lại nguyên tắc của chính mình, xa rời bạn thân (vì bạn không được nhóm chấp nhận), thực hiện những hành vi sai quấy dưới kích động của nhóm mà nếu với tư cách cá nhân con khi ở 1 mình sẽ không bao giờ thực hiện... (chương 5). Thực ra người lớn cũng vậy thôi nhưng tỉnh táo và chín chắn hơn. Đọc thấm thía và xót xa với những ví dụ buồn mà Michael Thompson đưa ra.
Một thực tế được quan sát bởi tác giả là khi con trẻ bị chối bỏ, xa lánh, không có bạn, hoặc bị bắt nạt thì thường phụ huynh lại là người cảm thấy đau nhiều và đau lâu hơn, vì những liên tưởng tới chính tuổi thơ của phụ huynh, và vì cảm giác bất lực, không biết làm thế nào để giúp con. Trong khi việc cần làm chỉ là thấu hiểu, chấp nhận, hỗ trợ hành vi tử tế và quan tâm đến nhau của trẻ, và mặc con giải quyết vấn đề rắc rối vì thường con có bản năng giải quyết và quên nhanh chóng. Hơn 80% các nỗi đau của trẻ con đều sẽ được các con tự giải quyết. Nhưng cũng có khoảng 15% nỗi đau thực sự quá lớn và cần phải tác động trước khi quá muộn (con cảm thấy cô độc tột đỉnh, hoặc bị chế giễu tàn nhẫn), khi đó bố mẹ phải thật tỉnh táo, giang tay ra cứu con, không để xảy ra hậu quả đáng tiếc.
"Nói cho cùng, trẻ đến với cuộc đời chúng ta để làm khuynh đảo giả định của chúng ta, cố tình chọc giận chúng ta và giúp chúng ta trưởng thành hơn."
November 10, 2025
Our book club recently read Best Friends, Worst Enemies, and we were completely drawn in from the very first chapter. The way the authors capture the complexity of childhood friendships felt incredibly real. The mix of personal stories, research, and honest reflection made it both emotional and practical. During our meeting, everyone had a story to share about how we related to these experiences from our own lives or our children’s. We came away with a new understanding of how powerful and fragile friendships can be at any age. It is the kind of book that opens your heart as much as it opens your mind.
November 10, 2025
When we chose this book for our club, we expected an interesting parenting read, but it turned out to be so much more than that. The authors dive deep into how children connect, drift apart, and find their place in social circles. We were especially moved by the way they describe the pain of exclusion and the courage it takes for kids to rebuild friendships. During our discussion, several members mentioned how they saw these same patterns play out in schools and families today. It made us realize that understanding these dynamics isn’t just important for kids, but for adults too. We all left the meeting feeling wiser and more compassionate.
November 15, 2025
Reading this book together reminded us how universal and emotional childhood friendships truly are. The authors blended research and real life stories in a way that felt honest and compassionate, and our group kept pausing to reflect on how many of these dynamics we had lived through ourselves. We especially appreciated how the writers acknowledge both the sweetness and the heartbreak of children’s social lives without ever minimizing either side. Their gentle guidance made us more aware of what kids go through and inspired us to think more deeply about how we support them, both at home and in school.
May 9, 2018
This book was recommended by my children's school and appreciate them for it. Reading this book was an eye-opening experience that did bring flashbacks of my childhood. At first, I thought it was doom and gloom and that there is nothing for parents to do in regards to the impending, unavoidable experiences that children sometimes go through. But the more I progressed through the book, the anxiety and fear dissipated as potentials "solutions" were provided on how to tackle these experiences with your children. This book is something I would whole-heartedly recommend to other parents.
November 13, 2025
This book took our group by surprise with how relevant and touching it was. We thought we would be reading about simple playground conflicts, but what we found instead was a deep exploration of loyalty, belonging, and emotional growth. The writing was clear and engaging, and the research was easy to understand without ever feeling heavy. Many of us shared personal reflections about our own friendships as children and how they shaped who we are today. It was one of those rare books that stayed on our minds long after we finished reading.
November 13, 2025
Our club had such a meaningful time reading Best Friends, Worst Enemies. The authors have a gift for blending solid psychology with warmth and humanity. The examples they share about children struggling with friendship issues were so vivid that we felt like we were right there with them. What really stood out to us was how the book focuses on empathy rather than blame. It reminded us that every child wants to belong, even when their behavior seems difficult. The discussion that followed was one of our most heartfelt yet, full of honesty and emotion.
November 13, 2025
Our book club loved how this book combined heart and insight. The authors explained the social lives of children in a way that felt both authentic and hopeful. The stories they shared about kids learning to apologize, rebuild trust, and form new bonds were some of our favorite moments. We talked about how these same lessons apply to adults too. By the end of our meeting, we all agreed that this book should be recommended to teachers, parents, and anyone who wants to understand human relationships better.
November 13, 2025
Reading this together as a club gave us a real sense of connection. The stories in Best Friends, Worst Enemies were not only about children, but also about the adults who shape their world. We discussed how small actions by teachers and parents can make a huge difference in how kids handle friendship challenges. What impressed us most was how the authors wrote with such empathy and respect for every child’s experience. It reminded us that kindness, patience, and listening can go a long way in helping young people thrive socially and emotionally.
November 13, 2025
Our discussion of this book was one of the liveliest we’ve had all year. The sections on power, exclusion, and social balance really got us talking. We found the authors’ approach to bullying especially insightful because it was practical and free of judgment. They made it clear that adults have a role to play, but also that children can learn to navigate these situations with the right guidance. Several members said they wished they had this book when their kids were younger. It offered a perfect blend of compassion and clarity.
November 13, 2025
By the time we finished this book, everyone in our club felt deeply moved. Best Friends, Worst Enemies is written with warmth, intelligence, and incredible empathy. It doesn’t just explain what happens between children, it helps readers understand why it matters and how to respond with compassion. We talked about how reading it brought back memories of our own friendships and the lessons they taught us. It is the kind of book that not only teaches but also heals. We are so glad we chose it for our club and would happily recommend it to anyone.
November 15, 2025
Our club was struck by how beautifully the authors described the social world of children. They gave language to things we all intuitively feel but rarely articulate, especially the way friendships can simultaneously bring joy and pain. We admired the empathy woven into every chapter and found ourselves revisiting our own childhood memories as we read. This book helped us see our children more clearly and reminded us how much patience and understanding they deserve during their social ups and downs.
November 15, 2025
This book felt like someone finally turned a light on in a dark room. We loved how the authors approached both friendships and conflicts with such clarity and warmth. Their stories felt real enough to touch, and several members of our group admitted that certain passages moved them to tears. The practical guidance felt grounded and realistic, especially in the chapters about group dynamics. We left our discussion feeling better equipped to support the children in our lives through their biggest emotional challenges.
November 15, 2025
We found the authors’ honesty refreshing. They didn’t shy away from the challenges children face but presented them with compassion and insight. So many of us recognized our own children in these pages, and several of us recognized our younger selves as well. The way the writers explained the difference between popularity and genuine friendship was especially meaningful to us. This book gave us more patience, more understanding, and more confidence in guiding children through their social worlds.
November 16, 2025
One of the things our club admired most was how the authors showed that every child has an emotional world adults often overlook. Their writing made us slow down and reconsider how we interpret children’s reactions to conflict and friendship shifts. We talked about how easily adults misread a child’s silence or withdrawal as defiance instead of pain. The authors’ insights helped us look beyond the surface and see the heart beneath the behavior. It was a humbling and deeply meaningful experience.
November 21, 2025
The child who lingered near the teacher instead of joining peers
sparked a thoughtful discussion in our club,
because the authors described this behavior not as avoidance but as seeking emotional safety,
a reframe that softened our assumptions,
and many of us recalled hovering near trusted adults as children,
wanting connection but fearing unpredictable social spaces,
and the authors honored this longing without labeling it,
helping us see the subtle courage behind proximity,
and inspiring us to create safe havens rather than pressure to conform.
sparked a thoughtful discussion in our club,
because the authors described this behavior not as avoidance but as seeking emotional safety,
a reframe that softened our assumptions,
and many of us recalled hovering near trusted adults as children,
wanting connection but fearing unpredictable social spaces,
and the authors honored this longing without labeling it,
helping us see the subtle courage behind proximity,
and inspiring us to create safe havens rather than pressure to conform.
November 21, 2025
One of the highlights of discussing this book as a group was realizing how differently each of us had interpreted our own childhood social experiences. The authors gave us a shared language to talk about rejection, popularity, cliques, and being on the fringe. We all appreciated their honesty about how painful some childhood memories can be, and how those unresolved feelings can spill into our parenting. That section alone was worth the price of the book. The authors handle these themes with gentleness and wisdom, and we are grateful for their work.
November 21, 2025
Our club included a couple of school counselors, and they spoke very highly of the authors’ accuracy and depth. They said this is exactly what they see in schools. That alone gave the rest of us a lot of confidence in the book’s recommendations. We also appreciated that the authors do not get swept up in simplified bully versus victim narratives. Instead, they show how fluid these roles can be and how group dynamics often drive behavior. This gave us a more nuanced and compassionate way to talk with our kids about what is happening in their classrooms and hallways.
November 21, 2025
Our group especially appreciated the way the authors talk about good-enough social lives. The idea that kids do not need to be the most popular or have a huge friend group to be okay was such a relief. We have all felt that subtle pressure to make sure our kids are in, and this book gently challenged that. The reminder that one or two solid friendships can be more protective than a whole big circle was comforting. The authors really helped us reset our expectations and focus on what truly matters, connection, not status.
November 21, 2025
I am a teacher, and this was one of the first books I have read that truly captured the emotional intensity of school from a child’s perspective. When I shared that with our book club, others agreed that it helped them imagine what their kids’ days are actually like. The chapter on what schools can realistically do was one of my favorites. It does not put everything on the teachers, but it also does not let adults off the hook. It acknowledges constraints while still pushing for thoughtful, compassionate practices. We all felt the authors treated educators with respect and appreciation.
December 26, 2025
Best Friends, Worst Enemies is a deeply insightful and compassionate exploration of children’s friendships. Michael Thompson and Catherine O’Neill Grace skillfully blend research with real-life experiences to uncover the emotional depth, intensity, and complexity of relationships that shape children from infancy through adolescence. The book helps parents understand not only the joy of friendship but also the pain of exclusion, betrayal, and bullying, making it an invaluable guide for navigating the social world of children.
November 13, 2025
This book touched each of us in a different way. Some of us related as parents, others as teachers, and some simply as people remembering our own childhoods. The stories were emotional and thought-provoking, showing how friendship can shape confidence, identity, and empathy. The tone of the book was kind and deeply human, never lecturing or overly clinical. It inspired us to think more carefully about the friendships in our own lives and the ways we support the young people around us.
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