Compelled to Control: Recovering Intimacy in Broken Relationships

by J. Keith Miller

This exciting book breaks new ground in identifying the major cause of relationship failure as the need to control - in marriages and families, with friends and within organizations. Compelled to Control reflects Miller's sweeping knowledge as a thinker, a speakers and a writer. Going far beyond "how to control a controller," Miller speaks from the perspective of experience and personal change. "When a controller has the sense of life being out of control," he says, "he or she reacts with an even stronger need to 'get things under control'...usually with the negative result of alienating the people who matter the most." Miller tackles this deeply denied, seemingly universal phenomenon with compassion and offers a way out of the dilemma. He tells who to approach broken relationships in new ways, leaving behind destructive patterns of perfectionism and self-justification. Keith miller is one of those rare writers who can combine intellectual acuity with deeply felt insight born of his own struggle for authenticity.Compelled to Control is an impressive contribution to the literature of recovery and personal change.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help

276 pages, Paperback

First published February 1, 1992

Reviews

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book almost 2 decades ago - no longer have the book, but found the paper cover in sorting through a box of OLD papers.
This book helped me recognize the dysfunctional, "codependent" patterns of behavior I had learned growing up and was perpetuating unnecessarily. Recognition allowed me to start taking "ownership" of my behavior, which let me change. (If you don't believe me, ask my girls - they were old enough to remember my old ways.)
I would recommend it to anyone who is spending too much energy trying to control everything and everyone in their lives, at the expense of healthy relationships.

[Annemarie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is not very fluid, but does carry some valuable material regarding compulsions. It's amazing how many behaviors can be addressed using the 12 steps! The author inserts a lot of his own interpretations based on his own experience with conquering being a controlling person, but doesn't always allow for other possible explanations for similar behavior. While no theologian, he does try to incorporate faith into the discussion. I found the most important section of this text to be chapters 13-16.

[Robert Bogue · Rating 4 out of 5]

We all want to be in control but none of us wants to be controlled. That’s a basic truth about control that we all live by. Managers seek to control their employees – to get them to do whatever it is the organization needs from them. Parents seek to control their children and get them to behave in a way that the parent believes is appropriate. Pastors try to control their congregations into honorable behaviors. Politicians try to control the constituents into attitudes that improve society – or increase the probability for reelection.

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[Shiloah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very helpful book. I'm so glad I stumbled upon it. I'm working to heal core issues from childhood and this book brought a new awareness to ways we try to control others. He gives ideas for healing and clear, understandable illustrations to help you understand each concept. I love how it ended in a positive and realistic view of boundaries and the difference between walls and boundaries. Also noteworthy, it is written with a Christian perspective, which I appreciated very much.

[Jaime Marmolejo · Rating 2 out of 5]

Another "post" divorce book. LOL What did I learn???? So I am controlling so what!!! Big baby :) haha

[Meagan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has hands - it's smacking me upside the head page by page.

[Sharon West · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book! I almost didn't read it because I thought it was a "couples" book. It opened my eyes.

[Marangelie Caceres · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bravo!!!

This book is a blessing and a beam of light in a very dark place for me. I have hope...

[Amanda Talley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good book packed with a lot of helpful information. I find the 12 step approach to be a bit limited and the writing is not exactly eloquent, hence the 3 star.

[Takea Garraway · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is highly recommended! Gave me so many good nuggets.