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Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness
Betty Jean Lifton, whose Lost and Found has become a bible to adoptees and to those who would understand the adoption experience, explores further the inner world of the adopted person. She breaks new ground as she traces the adopted child's lifelong struggle to form an authentic sense of self. And she shows how both the symbolic and the literal search for roots becomes a crucial part of the journey toward wholeness.
328 pages, Paperback
First published May 17, 1994
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About the author
Betty Jean Lifton
35 books21 followersBetty Jean (BJ) Lifton, PhD, was a writer and adoption counselor, who was one of the leading advocates of adoption reform. She is an authority on the psychology of the adopted child, birth parents, and adoptive parents, as well as the complexity of search and reunion.
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
March 9, 2025
I was born in a nursing home in England and was adopted at birth. My birth parents were both Irish and my heritage was very different from the life I was brought up in.
This is one of many books, invariably authored by Americans which explore the life long impacts of the “primal wound” of adoption.
I found it fascinating and full of insights but written from a perspective I didn’t fully understand – the American adoption system and the general American tendency to appoint therapists for everything.
So whilst it was very useful and addressed many of the issues which I’ve struggled with all my life it might have worked better as a more universal study rather than one rooted in a single nation.
This is one of many books, invariably authored by Americans which explore the life long impacts of the “primal wound” of adoption.
I found it fascinating and full of insights but written from a perspective I didn’t fully understand – the American adoption system and the general American tendency to appoint therapists for everything.
So whilst it was very useful and addressed many of the issues which I’ve struggled with all my life it might have worked better as a more universal study rather than one rooted in a single nation.
November 20, 2018
I haven't read an adoption book in many years, but decided I should increase my awareness and familiarity with the issues, as I'm currently writing down the story of, as Joseph Campbell would put it, my 'hero's journey' to find out who I was 'born to', which I believe is necessary if we as individuals wish to also learn more about who we were 'born to be', something which is neither about the family we are raised by nor the one we are biologically related to, but that in-between place, where we carry something of both influences, which then allows us to be able to detach from them somewhat to pursue a life that we can truly claim as our own.
Journey of the Adopted Self, follows that traditional quest, and for each element in the journey, the responding to the call (the decision to search), the departure (actively seeking), meeting the mentor (finding help) crossing the threshold (making contact), the challenges + the ordeal (dealing with the aftermath), the reward (unravelling the mystery), the road back (the new ordinary life) and the elixir (the transformation and the life lesson) the authors discusses a range of issues that can arise and gives examples in brief snippets from the many case studies she has had access to as an adoption counsellor.
Each person has a unique experience, so in the journey there are many different reactions likely to be encountered, but the one thing that all adoptees have in common, is that they have experienced what is referred to as the 'pre-verbal trauma' of separation from the mother. That may have been immediately after birth or soon after, some babies may never have been held by the mother who carried them for those nine months, others may have been for a few hours or days, or even a few months.
According to the Austrian psychoanalyst and contemporary of Freud Otto Rank in his book The Trauma of Birth, everyone experiences significant trauma at birth and that that trauma or separation from the safety of the womb is over time healed by the bond created and the physical proximity and nurturing provided by the mother, whose heartbeat, smell, voice and very being are a comfort to the baby, who has known these things without seeing them from within.
Adoption adds another layer to the trauma, as the bond with the mother who gives birth is severed and the nurturing is to be provided by another, who has not been infused with the maternal hormones of pregnancy that nature creates to ensure the mother mothers her child. The adoptive mother in her head and heart wills herself to be and provide that role and is a good substitute, but that doesn't avoid the fact that the baby will have experienced that initial double trauma of separation, first from the womb and then from the human it was connected to that birthed it.
Because this experience happens so early in the life of a baby, it is possible the trauma can lie so deep that for some it may not rise to the surface until very much later, or it may be possible to live without realising or recognising the behaviour patterns that are a common thread to those who have experienced this at birth.
The author describes a range of different responses her clients (adult adoptees) experienced in the many aspects of the journey. Any adoptee who reads it, like me, is likely to highlight a number of passages, which relate to their own experience in navigating the triad of adoptive parents, birth parents and siblings and the adoptee themselves, in particular if they have been involved in the closed adoption system, where all ties with the biological family are severed, the child's name changed and legally becomes another person in another family.
Essentially it is a healing journey, although that may not be something consciously embarked upon, and inevitably in any kind of healing journey, there are likely to be disruptive elements as we realise and confront aspects of ourselves that we haven't been aware of.
It suggests that adoptive parents should also familiarise themselves with the potential issues before considering adopting a child and that it is a responsible idea to also seek help while raising an adopted child. This seems so obvious and yet, in the era my siblings and I were raised, I recognise we were considered something like a 'blank slate', so old fashioned parenting would suffice, and everything is and was dealt with "as if".
There are so many passages I could share, however it is a book that will be personal to each reader, depending on their role, perspective and experience. I found it an insightful and helpful read, leaving me with much to reflect on.
Journey of the Adopted Self, follows that traditional quest, and for each element in the journey, the responding to the call (the decision to search), the departure (actively seeking), meeting the mentor (finding help) crossing the threshold (making contact), the challenges + the ordeal (dealing with the aftermath), the reward (unravelling the mystery), the road back (the new ordinary life) and the elixir (the transformation and the life lesson) the authors discusses a range of issues that can arise and gives examples in brief snippets from the many case studies she has had access to as an adoption counsellor.
Each person has a unique experience, so in the journey there are many different reactions likely to be encountered, but the one thing that all adoptees have in common, is that they have experienced what is referred to as the 'pre-verbal trauma' of separation from the mother. That may have been immediately after birth or soon after, some babies may never have been held by the mother who carried them for those nine months, others may have been for a few hours or days, or even a few months.
According to the Austrian psychoanalyst and contemporary of Freud Otto Rank in his book The Trauma of Birth, everyone experiences significant trauma at birth and that that trauma or separation from the safety of the womb is over time healed by the bond created and the physical proximity and nurturing provided by the mother, whose heartbeat, smell, voice and very being are a comfort to the baby, who has known these things without seeing them from within.
Adoption adds another layer to the trauma, as the bond with the mother who gives birth is severed and the nurturing is to be provided by another, who has not been infused with the maternal hormones of pregnancy that nature creates to ensure the mother mothers her child. The adoptive mother in her head and heart wills herself to be and provide that role and is a good substitute, but that doesn't avoid the fact that the baby will have experienced that initial double trauma of separation, first from the womb and then from the human it was connected to that birthed it.
Because this experience happens so early in the life of a baby, it is possible the trauma can lie so deep that for some it may not rise to the surface until very much later, or it may be possible to live without realising or recognising the behaviour patterns that are a common thread to those who have experienced this at birth.
How well adoptees overcome the traumas inherent in adoption and the additional ones they encounter in their specific families will be determined by their genetic susceptibility to stress - some children have more than others - and their ability to find an empathic teacher, friend or mentor to give them emotional support.
The author describes a range of different responses her clients (adult adoptees) experienced in the many aspects of the journey. Any adoptee who reads it, like me, is likely to highlight a number of passages, which relate to their own experience in navigating the triad of adoptive parents, birth parents and siblings and the adoptee themselves, in particular if they have been involved in the closed adoption system, where all ties with the biological family are severed, the child's name changed and legally becomes another person in another family.
This book then, is about the search for the adopted self. It is not the literal search in the material world, where one sifts through records and archives for real people with real names and addresses; but rather about the internal search, in which one sifts through the pieces of the psyche in an attempt to understand who one was so that one can have a sense of who one is and who one can become. It is the quest for all the missing pieces of the self so that one can become whole
Essentially it is a healing journey, although that may not be something consciously embarked upon, and inevitably in any kind of healing journey, there are likely to be disruptive elements as we realise and confront aspects of ourselves that we haven't been aware of.
Adopted people are a special breed," according to a scholar of Kabbala. "Every soul has a purpose. Adoptees are beautiful souls. Old souls. They have a special fate - a special karma - to redesign the earth."
It suggests that adoptive parents should also familiarise themselves with the potential issues before considering adopting a child and that it is a responsible idea to also seek help while raising an adopted child. This seems so obvious and yet, in the era my siblings and I were raised, I recognise we were considered something like a 'blank slate', so old fashioned parenting would suffice, and everything is and was dealt with "as if".
There are so many passages I could share, however it is a book that will be personal to each reader, depending on their role, perspective and experience. I found it an insightful and helpful read, leaving me with much to reflect on.
March 27, 2008
This book was so helpful to me that I would gladly swap or recommend this book to anyone who is in the adoption circle. I read this book as an adoptee, and plan to reread it again, as a mother who has adopted.
December 1, 2016
I was advised to read this (because it was by a professor at Yale???) after being reunited with my son who I had had to give up for adoption when I was 20. (What a glorious day it was to hear his voice and meet him!) The year that followed was an emotional rollercoaster: It was so very painful (I cried for months) yet simultaneously glorious (I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.).
That being said, I found this book to be totally presumptive. I don't think anyone can take an emotional process and turn it into an equation. That's what being a human being is all about.
That being said, I found this book to be totally presumptive. I don't think anyone can take an emotional process and turn it into an equation. That's what being a human being is all about.
September 1, 2017
I am so thankful for this book; it should be required reading for any adopted person.
July 29, 2021
As an adoptee, this book gave very meaningful words for my sometimes subconscious personal search for identity. I found myself saying WOW or YES to so many passages and it really helped to know I am not alone in some of the ongoing trauma responses I’ve experienced. I was a bit put off by the emphasis on reconnecting with a birth family since there can be so much pain in doing so. I understand the idea of discovering your personal history but I would have liked to have seen the book to have gone into more depth on means of healing outside of reconnecting with your original lineage (which some simply cannot do for various reasons). Overall a valuable read!
June 5, 2018
Adoption
I highly recommend this book to better understand adoptees(what they go through and how best we as adoptive families can play our role in their healing & our healing as well). What an eye- opening experience for me as an adoptive parent.
I highly recommend this book to better understand adoptees(what they go through and how best we as adoptive families can play our role in their healing & our healing as well). What an eye- opening experience for me as an adoptive parent.
December 10, 2007
This helped me work through some adoption issues that related to self acceptance and what I was created for.
March 30, 2016
I. Love. This. Book. Yes. It. Is. Allways. About. The. Journey. Betty.
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May 24, 2011As an adoptee myself and also and adoptive parent I can say that it has been one of my favorite. It is easy to read and understand. As because the author was adopted herself she know the feeling and thing that an adoptee gose though. If a person is stuggleing with thier own adoption; thinking about adopting; or have adopted children with quetions I recomed Jorney of the Adopted Self A Quest for Wholeness. Very well writen and a great book for anyone interested in adoption.
August 19, 2017
(Actually, I need a shelf called "To Re-Read" as I'm pretty sure I started this but never finished. Mentally, I've been writing a memoir about my adoption experience, and 20+ year search for my Original Family. At the beginning, in my 20's and alone in my first "real" apartment on Staten Island, with no phone nor television, I could not get my hands on enough adoption writing. I'm pretty sure this book is on a shelf somewhere, waiting.)
May 10, 2009
I realize that this book has helped many people, but it just did not speak to or for me as an adoptee.
September 12, 2018
Every adoptee should read this. Everyone close to adoption in any way should read this. Read this.
March 16, 2024
While much research went into this book to prioritize the best interests of the child, it is a product of its time. Research on adoption has evolved beyond the author’s scope. There is a heavy emphasis on reunification and birth parent searches as the only path towards healing and wholeness for adoptees. To establish this argument, the author resorts to problematic distinctions between “real”/ “natural” parents and adoptive parents and claims that adoptive child cannot be fully their adoptive parents’ children. Such a sweeping statement denies the agency of adoptees who have strong relationships with their adoptive parents and adoptees who cannot undergo birth parent searches. But what is more problematic, is that it stigmatizes adoption as an inferior relationship that can never be as authentic as biological relationships.
Additionally, the book speaks to a narrow set of adoptee experiences while claiming to speak to all. Perhaps older domestic adoptees from the US who were adopted during the closed adoption may relate to some of the topics discussed, but more recent adoptees who are international and/or transracial adoptees may not find as many connections.
Additionally, the book speaks to a narrow set of adoptee experiences while claiming to speak to all. Perhaps older domestic adoptees from the US who were adopted during the closed adoption may relate to some of the topics discussed, but more recent adoptees who are international and/or transracial adoptees may not find as many connections.
May 13, 2023
Wonderful read that is healing and educational
I read this book as I begin a quite literal quest for self-realization and wholeness. It was precisely what I needed to help guide me through the beginning of this journey in a world where it seems impossible to discuss the traumas and intricacies of being adopted. One thing I wish would have been discussed a little bit more (although I know it wasn't the intent of this book) of was the implications of interracial adoptees, adoptees of LGBT parent couples, and adoptees of single women. Overall it was an informative read that kept my interest all the way through. Be prepared to learn, open your mind, and think about things you've probably never considered when it comes to adoption.
I read this book as I begin a quite literal quest for self-realization and wholeness. It was precisely what I needed to help guide me through the beginning of this journey in a world where it seems impossible to discuss the traumas and intricacies of being adopted. One thing I wish would have been discussed a little bit more (although I know it wasn't the intent of this book) of was the implications of interracial adoptees, adoptees of LGBT parent couples, and adoptees of single women. Overall it was an informative read that kept my interest all the way through. Be prepared to learn, open your mind, and think about things you've probably never considered when it comes to adoption.
August 10, 2022
I'm not going to finish this book. I tried, but I can't get past the negativity of the author toward adoption. She basically has been saying negative things about the people in the adoption realm based on her experiences with a closed adoption. Not all adoptions are closed, nor are all people involved bad. Yes, trauma is inherent for the adoptee, but many of us in the world of adoption understand that and try to do our best to minimize the effects of adoption. I don't think the author gives enough credit to the more enlightened age of adoption and is,perhaps, stuck in the past of her own adoption.
July 12, 2025
Reading Journey of the Adopted Self was tough for me — both emotionally and mentally. As an adoptee, I was hoping to feel understood, but the book was dense and sometimes overwhelming. Lifton dives deep into the pain and identity struggles adoptees face, and while it was validating, it also brought up emotions I wasn’t fully ready to confront. Despite the difficulty, I’m glad I stuck with it. Lifton’s honesty about the grief, loss, and lifelong search for self made me feel less alone. It reminded me that being adopted is complicated — and it’s okay to still be figuring it all out.
November 4, 2021
A brilliant book from which I have gained so
many useful insights and things to ponder on and work through
many useful insights and things to ponder on and work through
February 8, 2024
Pretty good, a little out there but that made me think deeply about stuff. feel like it was relatable
June 14, 2025
As an adopted person, this was amazing.
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February 21, 2012Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton (1995)
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews