“At that point in my life, it had become easy to talk about my alcoholism. I was proud of my recovery. But all the ways I still didn’t like or trust myself, all the ways I still felt broken were shrouded in shame. Learning how wounding in childhood could lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)––a switch was flipped in my brain. I went from someone with a story to someone who had actual pain for actual reasons. With Dr. van der Kolk’s seeming permission, I was starting to make sense to myself. These are trauma responses. He went on to discuss how secrecy often plays a role in childhood trauma. The combination of being hurt, without a compassionate witness, can lead someone to feel as though they are fundamentally flawed. How often had I thought, it wasn’t that bad, while judging myself for being haunted by my past? No matter where I moved or what I accomplished, all roads led back to my chasm of confusion. Did I make the whole thing up? Why is every waking thought tied to Randy? Exposing the fact that I was relating to these case presentations would have exposed these questions, and I wasn’t ready. It felt too risky. I believed my alcoholism could help me work with other addicts, because I was on the “other side” of addiction and in recovery. I was nine-years sober. But this was an area I had no recovery in at all. I needed to believe, and I needed the people in that room to believe, that my past wasn’t still defining me. Owning that truth, even to myself, felt like I had failed, like I had no business trying”