Black Coffee discussion

In my latest novel, Love's Choice (due out late fall), one of my characters is dangerously close to having an affair at work. Although nothing physical has taken place, she's definitely crossed the line in the amount of time and how much she shares with this man. So how do you feel about emotional affairs? Do you think it's the same as having a physical one? Not as bad? Worse? Would you leave your spouse because of an emotional affair?

I don't think it's a matter of "just as bad" or "worse". I just think that it's definitely a sign that something is wrong in the relationship and needs to be discussed immediately. I don't think I would leave initially. But If I learned that after I found out, the ties to the other woman weren't cut then yes I'd separate first. I don't like to think about divorce as a first reaction. Then again I'm engaged so what do I know hehehe. Maybe someone married would know better.

kisha wrote: "I don't think it's a matter of "just as bad" or "worse". I just think that it's definitely a sign that something is wrong in the relationship and needs to be discussed immediately. I don't think ..."

Thanks, Kisha. I'm just trying to gauge people's reactions and how everyone feels on the subject. I think, with anything, we all have to do what's best for us and our situation. Some people would leave, no questions asked. Some might seek therapy and others might seek revenge. I have an idea of how things will turn out for my character but then again, I never intended for her to have an affair at all! We talked about that before how characters just do whatever the heck they want! hahahaha I've been trying my best to keep her from this mess and she keeps walking her butt over there anyway!!!

This is a difficult situation. Having an emotional affair or any kind of affair is definitely a sign there is a problem in a relationship. I don't know if I would divorce. As Kisha says that shouldnt be the first reaction. Too many marry to get divorce and it appears there is no discussion, no trying to work things, and most importantly no putting God first.

But I do have a few questions.How does one know a spouse is having an emotional affair? What are the signs of an emotional affair? And how do you prove it?

Veronica wrote: "This is a difficult situation. Having an emotional affair or any kind of affair is definitely a sign there is a problem in a relationship. I don't know if I would divorce. As Kisha says that should..."

I think the signs would be the same--withdrawing, preferring to be someplace else rather than with the spouse, or just an overall shift in the relationship. I would think the proof would be the same too--inappropriate text messages and emails, and overabundance of time spent with that other person, or noticing that the spouse cares way more than necessary about the other person's life or well being. Usually when a person is confronted, he or she admits to those things thinking it will be better because they didn't actually have a physical affair. For some people it is better and for others it's worse.

When I think of emotional affair, I'm thinking its a little more internal than physical cheating. So the person may not spend more time with the other. But I can see the inappropriate text and email as a sign if you have the access. Being forthcoming is the sure way you know. But you think the spouse will admit to this? I'm just throwing things out there; playing devil's advocate. One can have an emotional affair with a coworker and still continue with his/hers day to day stuff - never deviate from the normal family activities. What do you think?

I think there are a lot of variables that could make this one thing or the other. All I'm after is whether people think an emotional affair is the same, better, or worse and if they would leave.

Ok. Just trying to have a discussion.

Just hopping in I think like Veronica it would be easy for a person to hide an emotional affair. Many do start at work. I think the most popular is the internet it seems. But it's important to look at the early signs, deleted text messages, frequent empty computer history, withdraw etc. To answer Veronica's question i think it would be easy to hide but also easy to notice signs.

Veronica wrote: "Ok. Just trying to have a discussion."

I didn't mean that offensively. I was only asking to gauge people's reactions to this particularly scenario of you finding out for certain that your significant other had had an emotional affair.

kisha wrote: "Just hopping in I think like Veronica it would be easy for a person to hide an emotional affair. Many do start at work. I think the most popular is the internet it seems. But it's important to l..."

I totally understand what both of you are saying. There are so many different ways to go with a topic like this. People have certain experiences that make them respond one way or another when it comes to infidelity of any sort. For this poll I wanted to see how many people think they would leave and if people viewed the emotional affair as equal to, less than, or worse than a physical affair.