Writer's Group discussion

please read and comment(and by comment I mean critisize, and be as brutal as possible!)

http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/4...

I added my stuff on the story. I'm sorry if you didn't want all of that (I usually don't)

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!! I always want to improve my writing, and I'm sure your comments will help! :)

Like my english teacher has drilled into our brains:

Write a draft, share with others, get feedback, revise, share, etc. Never thought I'd hear the end of it.