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Numerical Review Rubric
[Introduction:]
Plot: /50
[Why you graded them so:]
Description: /40
[Why you graded them so:]
Character Development: /40
[Why you graded them so:]
Twists & Effect: /40
[Why you graded them so:]
Dialogue & Emotion: /35
[Why you graded them so:]
Mechanics: /35
[Why you graded them so:]
Originality: /10
[Why you graded them so:]
Overall Score: /250
Notes:
[Here, you will provide any notes on what they did well, and what they need to improve on.:]
[Signature:]
Summary Review Guide
Introduction - tell them opinion of story - say what they did wrong, give examples, and how to fix it - tell what they did right, with examples - tell their strongest and weakest points, and advice on how to improve - closing sentence.
And please remember to put a space between paragraphs; a large block of text is not pleasant to look at.
~POST YOUR REVIEWS UNDER THIS TOPIC!!!~
Ok, so I reviewed Lyle's story, called Lyle and Olivia. Firstly, i loved that you used the name Olivia! Haha. Anyway, I love fantasy, and I loved your story, but if I look at it critically there is a lot you need to work on, specifically spelling, grammar, and keeping up with your plot. Many times you introduced something to the plot and did not mention it at all later, even when it appeared in the first few chapters.I think your strongest points were in your actual story, your plot, and your twists. If you bring everything else up to that level, your writing will be superb. Great job on your story, I hope to see more from you in the future.
Plot: 37/50
I liked the storyline, and the plot had a purpose. There was obviously much more going to go on than Lyle being turned into a vampire. However, it was a little too vague and disjointed. For instance, we never find out anything about the strange man with the robotic voice who turned up when they went to meet Olivia. And several other pieces in the story were started and dropped.
Description: 30/40
You had some description, but I don't think enough. I understand that a lot of people think too much description detracts from a story, but too little makes it hard to visualize what is going on. However, the description you did have was great.
Character Development: 30/40
The story hasn't progressed very far, but neither Lyle or Olivia have really changed. But the last chapter, in which Lyle is battling his darker side, bodes well for future development.
Twists & Effect: 36/40
You had some great twists in this story- there was much I didn't anticipate. However, sometimes I think you tried to twist too quickly- you need to let one bend in the story sink in more before coming up with another. Not only does the reader need to digest it, but often the character has to come to terms with it too.
Dialogue & Emotion: 29/35
In some parts of the story, you had great dialogue, in others, great emotion. But I think you need to work a little harder at putting them together.
Mechanics: 25/35
In general, your spelling, grammar, and the flow of your sentences went well. However, you had way too many mistakes (even if they were spaced out) for my liking. You even misspelled prologue. Try writing your stories in Microsoft Word or some such thing first. Word has spelling and grammar check.
Originality: 7/10
Your story seemed to be putting a new spin on vampires, but some of it was obviously inspired directly from other stories. I understand that you wanted Lyle not to drink human blood, but animal blood- specifically mountain lion blood- is well known as a Twilight attribute.
Overall Score: 194/250 - about 78%
Notes: There is a lot that you need to improve in your writing, Lyle, but this was a great story, which I hope is continued, and I look forward to reading your writing in the future!
Olivia S.
Mod
Plot: 25/50
I don’t see any plot, I know the suddenly fall in love, but shouldn’t you space it out more, they meet and then they date. The end?
Description: 30/40
the description that u put all in all was great but you could have added more
For example: He walked her to her class, which was chemistry.
He walked her to her class, with a little hop in his step, when he approached the class it happened to be chemistry, go figure.
Add a little more, or over exaggerate, make it unique , make it your own.
Character Development: 20/40
I didn’t know your characters that well, there wasn’t a lot of change to them, they fell in love so quickly, that u didn’t really tell me much about the character.
Twists & Effect: 10/40
there was no twist until the last sentence.
It was a night they would never forget. Or is it?
There was really no other twists.
Dialogue & Emotion: 10/35
I saw a little dialogue. And there was very little emotion. your characters don’t react to each others emotion.
Mechanics:34 /35
the grammar and spelling is almost flawless , and so is the flow of your sentences.
It is really good.
Originality: 5/10
I’ve read so many love storys that are love at first sight and you need to make yours unique show people its different, make them want to read your story.
Overall Score: 139/250
Notes: keep it up girly
Mod
Good story, an enjoyable read. :) However, I found the plot difficult to follow in parts. Also, the mechanics, dialogue, and characters need some work.
Plot:
As I said, I found it hard to follow. You jumped right into the story without giving a sufficient amount of background, and it left me feeling a little lost. I know it's tempting to jump into the plot and hope that the reader will catch on sooner or later, but you must give more background to the story. Tell us what the setting is. What universe is this in? Is it a different universe from our own? Is it our world but in a different dimension or a different time period? You need to make these things clearer, because I couldn't tell where or when this story takes place.
The setting issues aside, the premise was interesting and original. However, it got a little lost because the plot didn't have a lot of structure. I didn't get a good idea of where the characters were or where they were going.
While the plot has potential, I think you need to give it some more background, some more detail, and some more outlining.
Description:
There was next to no description. You did a great job of describing what the characters looked like, but other than that I didn't get a lot of clear pictures in my head. Most of the story was just dialogue; sometimes it felt more like I was reading a script than a story. I want details! You want the reader to picture everything: What facial expressions or body language do the characters use while they're speaking? What are they doing while they talk? Where are they? What do their surroundings look like? The reader has to know these things.
Character Development:
Hmmm ... needs work. I didn't find the characters distinct or particularly interesting. They need more personality. Think about people in real life: we all have unique traits. We all have habits and emotions and moods and attitudes, etc. You have to reflect this in your writing. Your characters should feel real. Each of them needs specific traits unique to their character. Most of your characters seemed to talk and act the same. Plus you kept adding characters to the story, and I wasn't sure what the point of adding new characters was; it sort of took away from the development of your main characters. The development of your main characters is also essential in your story; I'd like to see how your characters' experiences affect them. Do they change their minds about anything? Do they develop new outlooks on life? Do their personalities change? Your characters have to be compelling to start out with, and they must also "grow" as the story progresses.
Also, I found it confusing that some of your characters had similar names. Like Vera and Vena. And Barren and Brandon. It made it harder to decipher one character from another.
Twists & Effect:
I didn't see many plot twists ... There were a few exciting action sequences, although they went by a little too fast and didn't seem to have much impact on the story. As for effect, I didn't really feel much as I read the story. As I've mentioned, the plot was confusing so I spent most of the time trying to figure out what was happening, rather than sympathizing with the characters. The plot needs to be clearer and there has to be more character development/emotion in order for the story to have that effect.
Dialogue & Emotion:
Most of the story was dialogue, which – as I've said – made the story confusing. The characters talked a lot, but I didn't get much emotion from them. Some of it is a matter of description; like I said: more facial expressions, more body language. And the dialogue itself seemed very … scripted. It didn't feel so real to me. Think about how people really talk: they stutter, they pause, they trail off, they stop suddenly, they say the occasional "um" or "uh". Make it more realistic. If you're having trouble, just listen to people around you talking. Notice how they talk; take notes if you want to.
The emotion, too, needs more. I need to feel what the characters feel. You need to describe their feelings in a way that makes the reader sympathize with the characters. And I mean more than just "telling". Show: how do characters respond to situations, and how does that convey their emotions and personalities?
I found some of the character's responses rather unrealistic, too. Like, when Erika speaks to Barren for the first time and he just says "Ok freaky" and keeps on talking ... ? Is that what you would do if a wolf came up to you and started talking? I think not. I'm pretty sure you would be waaay more freaked out than that: you would be terrified, you would think you were going crazy. Think about how you (or most people, anyway) would respond to your characters' situations. It has to feel real.
Mechanics:
Mostly it's a matter of a quick spelling/grammar check on microsoft word or something. I noticed a lot of typos and/or spelling mistakes.
A lot of dialogue was punctuated incorrectly. When the last sentence within quotation marks ends with a period, and the quotation is followed by a phrase such as "he/she said", then you end the last sentence in the quotation marks with a comma. (Ex: “At least one thing is about that.” Barren muttered. --> “At least one thing is about that,” Barren muttered.)
There were also quite a few rambling sentences. Try to use more punctuation rather than conjunctions (and, but, etc.). (Ex: "Yes Barren it was I Erika who said that" --> "Yes, Barren. It was I, Erika, who said that.")
Originality:
From what I understood, it seemed original. But like I said, the plot still needs a lot more background and detail.
Conclusion:
Sorry that I've been so harsh, but I feel that this story needs a lot of work – and I mean that in a helpful way, not in a discouraging way. I see potential in your story, but right now it's sort of like a skeleton – lifeless, bare … It needs more life, more flesh. You know what I'm saying? :]
If you have any questions, or want any more advice, I'd be very willing to help. Just ask if you need it. :)
- Brigid ^_^
Ok, I'm reviewing Riley's story, A Single Rose.Plot:
Well, overall, it was pretty good, but a little confusing. I remember at the beginning, I wasn't really sure who had killed Jayd's parents' and why. After I figured that out, it made everything else that had happened in the story a lot clearer.
Description:
You had some description, but there could have been more. I want to actually be able to see in my head, not only what was going on, but, where it was going on, etc. I found myself being able to picture the charectars better than everything else.
Twist and effect:
You put in some twists, but they seemed a little rushed and had loose ends. As for effect, I have to admit, I absolutely fell in love with Rosie! :D
Diologue and emotion:
The diologue was pretty good, again, a little rushed and confusing. Also, it was a little one way sometimes when all Jayd would do was swear. The emotion was very nice, although it would have been better if 99% of the time Jayd didn't express her emotions by swearing.
Mechanics:
Just fix some of the spelling and grammer mistakes, and you'll be good to go, in this catagory!
Originality:
Well, I've never read a story like that!
Conclusion:
Overall, awesome, with a few rough edges. Keep it up!
Nicole=D
OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! OH!!! MY!! GOD!!! BRIGID!! BIRIGID BIRGIDI BIRIGID!!! BRIGID!! BRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIGIIIIIIIIIIID!!!!!!!!!!!GUESS WHAT!! GUESS GUESS GUESS WHAT!! OMG OMG OMG!! AHHHH!!!!
AFTER SIX FREAKING MONTHS, I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY FINISHED YOUR REVIEW!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! FINALLY!!!
And guess what. It's fourteen pages long. XD I guess those 6 months paid off. Lol! XD It's really thorough.
Anyways, here goes. This is going to be a LOT of posts. XD XD XD XD XD
---
~My review for Brigid's story, Injection!~
Introduction:
Okay, before I start the official introduction, I really need to get something out here.
AHH!!! FINALLY!! FINALLY!! FINALLY!! After 6 months, I FINALLY finished your review!! FINAL LY FINALLY FINALLY!!!
Brigid, first of all, I really have to apologize. I'm really sorry I dragged this review out for 6 months. This has been one heck of a year for me, and not in a good way. These past months have been so stressful and busy and crazy, you have no idea. You don't know how sorry I am for keeping you waiting for so long. But I'm SO glad to say that it's finally OVER! And I really hope this review is good enough to somewhat make up for how long it took me to complete it. Please forgive me!
Now, with that out of the way, let's get down to business. (TO DEFEAT THE HUN! Okay, I'm done being silly now. Really. ;D)
Brigid, you have NO idea how hard this review was to do. I love Injection SO MUCH – it's one of my favorite of your books. It was SO hard to have to tear it apart and attack it harshly!
But I managed to criticize it, because that's what you wanted. :) I had to keep thinking, “I don't love this book. I don't love this book. Think bad thoughts. THINK BAD THOUGHTS!” Somehow, I managed to do it. But I couldn't help pampering you with cheese in this review, too. XD So sorry about all the “OMG THIS PART IS AMAZING!!!” stuff in this review. :P
Before I start, I've just got to say ... INJECTION IS AMAZING. SO, SO AMAZING. And I love it to death. But I also tore it to shreds. And that doesn't mean I love it any less! I may seem really harsh in this review, and I may seem like I hate it, but believe believe BELIEVE me, it's far from the truth. XD
It got better and better and BETTER, the more I read it! It was SO hard to be harsh and tear it apart, because I love it so much, but I tried to do my best!
Injection has amazing characters, plot, and action. You have the most amazing writing style ever – so pretty and mesmerizing. You write with absolute clarity, so vividly, I feel like it's happening right in front of me. The characters are so round and funny and awesome. The plot is so complex. The underlying themes are so interesting and true. It's got everything that an amazing book needs, and you KNOW that I love it to death.
With a lot of editing, I know this can become publishable. :D Once you get rid of all those plot holes and yecky stuff, it's going to be way over perfect. So just bear with me as I attack it. :) Take what you will of this review. You can completely disregard it, or you can listen to it. But I hope you take my suggestions, because I spent a lot of time on them and I think they'll help. :D
WARNING : The following review is REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG (14 pages on MS word. XD) That is because I had 6 months to work on this review, and I re-read the whole Injection 20 or more times. Every time I re-read it, I added more and more notes about what I'll include in my review. So this review is made up of 20 times worth of notes about Injection. XD Anyways ...
Okay, I have nothing else to say in the introduction so ... strap your seatbelt down and come along for the ride! XD
Plot:
This is going to be a long section, so brace yourself. ;)
Good Things:
-First of all, I have to say that the plot is beyond stunning. It's so well thought-out, and organized and so interesting. :) There are a lot of books that are similar to this about what will happen in the future, but yours has a different, almost ironic tone to it. It's so amazing. Injection kept me thinking and agonizing the whole way through, about our society and what it could turn into, and on what side is right. :D
-You're really good at suspense. You have a talent for drawing it out well and letting the mystery slowly reveal itself gradually, along with giving out clues. For example, you did a good job of giving hints of how Danika and the others were non-perfect.
-You might not have intended it like this, but I think it's really cool that Blake's hobby of burning matches is a metaphor for what they're doing; how they're playing with danger. The match's flame is like how they're blowing up buildings, the danger of it. Blake lights a match, that's like them going out and blowing up buildings. The flame creeping toward Blake's finger, threatening to burn him – that's like the danger of blowing up injection centers, like the danger creeping closer of them getting caught or killed. And Blake being able to blow out the flame every time before it touches his finger is how they narrowly escape, every time. And then, on pg. 182, when Blake burns himself with the match for the first time – that's a metaphor of how they're not going to be able to escape like they always do, and now danger is actually going to catch them. I don' t know if you meant it like that, or if it's just an awesome coincidence, but either way it's really cool. :)
-Injection has such an amazing, conflicting theme. How the human mind is messed up, but also beautiful. How if we gave up on thinking, there would be no more conflict in the world, but there would be no more great things either. It's so stunning and it makes you think and agonize all throughout the book. I was so conflicted and torn between all the different arguments, it's amazing. XD
-I love how you make it feel like Alyx is writing the book as she tells it. That's SO creative and cool! It makes the book feel so awesome.
-Aaaahhh!!! The romance part is AMAZING. I've read the scene at the end where Chance kisses Alyx a million times; I get these happy chills every time I do. XD The line “Can you shut up so I can tell you I love you, too?” is my favorite line EVER. And the kiss is so amazing. :D
-The epilogue is AMAZING. It's so powerful, and it's so awesome how she's talking to the reader. I love the last lines especially:
“I’ve done my part.
All I’m asking, now, is that you do yours.
-Yours sincerely,
Alyx Slade”
AAHHH SO GOOD!!! It gave me the chills!!! I think that's the best last line you've ever written. Keep the epilogue, please don't change it. XD
- I LOVE the comparison Chance uses of Buddha's quote “to spit into the sky” and what they're doing. It's so cool, and it's amazing foreshadow! And I love how Dani and Blake argue about Buddha and who he is after Chance says the quote. Hilarious. It's even funnier when Alyx simply adds that tone sentence about who Buddha is. And then the Herbert thing? I was rolling off my seat by then. XD You are amazing with humor!
Things That Could Use Work:
-I think it took a bit too long for Alyx to get that Dani and the others were non-perfect – it made her seem kind of stupid. I mean, all of the readers were screaming “COME ON!! THEYRE NON PERFECTS!! CAN'T YOU REALIZE THAT!! OPEN YOUR EYES ALREADY!!” Long before Alyx figured it out herself. I think Alyx should figure it out long before she sees them without their contacts in the house – like, the time when she overhears them talking about the mistake that Dani made in the forest. She should realize it then – it was kind of obvious they were talking about her, and that they weren't perfect. ----> However, on a second note, you don't want to make Alyx realize it so quickly. So I don't know, maybe you should keep it the way it is. It's your choice. :) But I think you should have Dani and the others realize that Alyx is a non-perfect much faster than they actually do ... I mean, it's kind of REALLY obvious. :)
-The part where Alyx is at the Perfect school seems to drag on a bit. I know lots of important stuff happens there, but maybe you could try to make it not so long? That would make the book move faster.
-The days that Dani and Alyx and the rest of the gang stay at Leo's house, the ones before their first mission, seem to drag out too. Maybe you could shorten it? Or maybe not, if you like it long. That's really up to you. I know that a lot of the things that happen at Leo's house are really important, but if you can see if you can take anything out from there, that would be good.
-You say “things were going to get way worse” and “little did I know that” and “if only I had known how wrong I was” and stuff like that a lot. Maybe you should take out some.
-The best kind of foreshadow is not the obvious, you-telling-us kind, but the subtle, you-showing-us in tiny hints kind. For example, this is the obvious kind: “Little did I know just how horribly right I was.” This is the great, amazing, subtle kind: “Before I closed it, I glanced back into the house one more time. Everything was still and silent. For some reason, a shudder went through me; maybe it was just the cold. Whatever it was, I shut the door behind me and let the moment pass.” That's really clever foreshadow for Kate's death!
-Alyx always says things like “And that, my friends, is what led us into all the disasters that followed.” It's good that you're having her talk to the reader, but this is a bit much ... you're pressing the foreshadow on us heavily, like saying “LOOK! Something bad is going to happen. GOT THAT?” It kind of takes away from the story, to tell you the truth. I think you should cut out must of the “and then disaster followed” or “and that was far from the worst” or whatever.
-Having Chance say the Buddha spitting at the sky quote is really clever foreshadow. You should make your foreshadowing more like that instead of the “and something bad was going to happen” stuff.
-The fact that the perfects dying all the time from the injection is just a “mistake” – that seems kind of cheap. Maybe you could make it so that someone is purposefully killing all the people who rejected the injection when they were non-perfect? Although, that's a bit harsh ... Wait, let me amend that. The fact that it's a mistake isn't really that cheap, it's just more exciting the other way, if the injection is programmed to kill resisters or something. But you should do whichever one you choose. That's not really a big deal. It's just that, all throughout the book we were expecting it to be some big thing, the reason why people are dying, and then it turns out it's just ... an accident? That makes the reader feel kind of cheated.
-pg 142: “Maybe if we had gotten out just a minute sooner, it would have been way different; it would have changed everything.” Alyx talks about that as if there's no going back from what happened. But really, nothing unchangeable happens. Chance just gets injured but recovers and is fine after. I mean, there's nothing wrong with giving the reader suspense, but I kind of felt cheated when I found out that Alyx was wrong when she said that. That what happened was nothing. I don't know what you want to do – make some kind of permanent affect on chance from the explosion? I don't know if you want to do that. Maybe you should change the sentence that Alyx says so it doesn't sound like what's going to happen is horrible and no going back from. Or you could keep it like that, if you don't think it's that big of a deal.
~Continuation #1 of my review for Brigid's story, Injection~-pg. 201: “Billions of people in the world were now Injected, almost all of the people in the more privileged countries, at least.” That doesn't really make sense. I thought it was only in the united states – that's logical. But in the whole world? That's a bit unrealistic. I mean, I can kind of see how Alyx's mom got it to be so big in the US – she was lucky, and a lot of people probably agreed with her idea to get it started up. But the whole world? How would she get every country and continent to agree? All the world leaders, all the authorities and heads ... it doesn't seem realistic. She's only one person, and she wasn't even part of the government ... how could she cause the whole world to change? Not to mention, how would the chemical become universal? How would it get to people in, say, France, so quickly, and in such quantities? And, these kind of things take time. Even just to get the whole US injected, to start the project and put up centers and start injecting people, would take forever. I doubt it would take so quickly to get it all setup in the US, let alone the whole WORLD. Also, it doesn't really make sense that everyone listened to Alyx's mom and started her project. She's just a normal woman – she's not part of the government, has no position of importance, not a senator or anything. Why would people listen to her?
---->I don't know. I think it's unrealistic for the whole world to be injected, so you shouldn't do that. Just keep it in the United States. Maybe you could ignore the fact that it's unrealistic for everyone to listen to her – or maybe you could come up with a reason. It's your choice.
-pg. 205: “The first thing I noticed was that the room we were situated in looked similar to one of those waiting areas, the kind they used to have at doctors’ offices and hospitals ... before they had all been replaced by Injection centers, considering that hardly anyone got injured anymore.” That doesn't make any sense. Sure, Perfects don't hurt each other, and they may be graceful, but that doesn't mean accidents won't happen. A car can still spin out of control, or roll down a hill. A Perfect could still fall from a height and break their arm. Someone could still trip over something they didn't see on the ground. People will still get hurt. So not having a doctor's office doesn't make any sense. Plus, did they just chop down all the hospitals and doctor's offices and everything? And if they don't have hospitals, where will Perfects go when they get hurt?
-Okay, so the thing is, I'm glad chance didn't get injected. I'm so relieved. But ... I also feel kind of cheated. Like, he was injected, and then he just ... stayed the same? It doesn't make sense. And what doesn't make sense even more is that the injection worked partly on him. It healed him. But it didn't affect his mind. Wouldn't it be all or nothing? Wouldn't the injection not work at all on him, not touch his brain but not heal him either so he'd die – or it would work entirely on him, healing his body and changing his brain? It feels kind of cheap and almost taking the easy way out, you know – the injection somehow miraculously heals his body but leaves his mind alone. I mean, I'm not saying you should make chance turn into a perfect, or make him die. I definitely don't want either of those things. I just think you shouldn't make it all happy and dandy about him being injected. Maybe he actually turns into a Perfect, and at the beginning he's a mindless zombie, but then the injection starts wearing off and he starts remembering and being himself again. Maybe the reason for this is that whenever people die from the injection, it's because their mind was struggling with it, so they died. But when chance's mind struggled with it, he was strong enough to escape it instead of die or something.
--->Or, if you don't want to do that, you could just come up with a really good reason about why chance didn't turn into a Perfect. I mean, at the end, it's not really resolved. But if you came up with a good reason as to why the mind part of the injection didn't work on him but the body part did, while the mind part worked on every single other person, that would work. But I think maybe you should make him turn into a Perfect and be all stupid at first, so it's more realistic and scary for the reader. Then at the end you can have him escape the Perfectness ...
-Okay, so about the ending. The thing is, I think it's unrealistic for Alyx's mom to let her and her friends off so easily. I mean, she's so passionate about the injection, and thinks it's for Alyx's best ... and then Alyx just talks to her, and all of a sudden she grows tender-hearted and is like “Alright, leave, it's fine.” I mean, I get that Alyx's mom really loves her, and that's why, but it's still not very likely that she would do that. I kind of felt incredulous as I was re-reading that.
Also, it kind of makes you feel disappointed. It makes you go, “Hey, wait, that's all?” All Alyx had to do was talk to her mother, and then it's over? It makes you feel ... empty, almost cheated. It's like the reader was expecting something big, and instead nothing happened.
My suggestion is that you make Alyx write a note or something for her mom, and leave it behind – then they could all sneak out the injection center without her mom knowing. The note could say stuff like “I know you wanted me to be part of the injection/I know you thought the injection was good for me, but I can't do this. I hope you'll accept it. By the time you read this, we've already gone.” (You could take other words from the conversation at the end between Alyx and her mom and put it in the note). It would be more meaningful and powerful that way, and it still gets the message that came out of Alyx and her mom's conversation across – perhaps even more strongly, in a better way. (She could even say “I love you, even after all you've done.” Or something like that. :D).
Yet, I still think it would be cool to have Alyx's mom's view on this. So maybe, as Alyx is leaving, she sees her mom read the note through a window (they escape and cross the window to her mom's room), and Alyx sees her mom's expressions, shocked and angry then disappointed and sad ... Then maybe her mom looks up, and their eyes meet. And slowly, her mom nods and waves in acceptance.
Hmm, maybe that's a bit cheesy, I don't know. But I like that better than the conversation her mom had with her. I think it's more realistic, and more powerful.
As for how Alyx and the gang will be able to escape? You could do it several ways. They could find the back exit of the Injection center, and then sneak through it. They could also climb out the window. If the window in their own room is too high, they could go downstairs during nighttime and find a window that's low enough to climb out of. I like the idea of them climbing out a window better, because then they could be scrabbling around the roof and pass Alyx's mom's bedroom window, and she sees them and sees Alyx's note ... Or, her bedroom window could be on the first floor, so Alyx and Dani and everyone are running past it on the ground and Alyx's mom sees them.
The epilogue is PERFECT. I love it, it's so cool! Please don't change it, and keep it as it is. XD
So, anyways, about the overall, general ending: I know you don't like it, and you think there are problems with it, and that you want to change it. But listen to me when I say this: DON'T CHANGE THE ENDING (besides how they escape). I think it's the best ending that you could have given this book. Injection was a very hard thing to end, probably one of the hardest novels to end. And you did it the best way.
I mean, the other options of how you could have ended it aren't good at all. You could have made the injection disappear and everyone suddenly go back to normal and the injection centers get taken down and everything be all fine and dandy, but that would have been a horrible ending. It would have been cheesy and all flowers and rainbows and bleh.
And the other option: you could have made it depressing. You could have made it so Alyx's mom never gives up and keeps going and the Injection is still strong and they're never going to stop it, and they're all giving up and they're like there's nothing we can do and all that. But that's a horrible ending, too. It's depressing and it's sad and it doesn't even fit with the prologue. It also makes you think, “Well then, what's the point?”
The ending that you wrote is the best ending that could have been written for this book. It's hopeful but not overly happy. And what I love about it is, it's not “TA-DA. AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY.” It leaves you room to imagine what happens next. It leaves the story open. It lets you decide what the outcome of this conflict is. And that's so much better than any ending that goes “THE END. AND THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.”
Do you understand what I mean? Also, this ending was so amazing because it leaves it up to the reader. Alyx is telling us that it's up to US. That the outcome of this story is in our hands. And that's so cool and awesome. That's why this ending rocks.
Brigid, the ending of Injection is amazing and I really hope you don't change it in any way (besides just tweaking how they escape from the headquarters, if you want to listen to my suggestion). I think you should ignore the people who are like “What? That's the end? That's not fair, it's a stupid ending, I wanted more!” Because those people don't get it (no offense to them). Injection wasn't supposed to give you a definite, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS ending. It was supposed to give you a message, and it was supposed to get a point across – that it's up to you to change things. That's an amazing ending. So stop worrying your head off about the ending or I may just have to eat you. ;)
Random Plot Holes/Continuity Errors/Etc:
-How did Kate get into Alyx's house on the night she “kidnapped” her without waking up her mom?
-“I wouldn’t remember those words until the right time came. And that wouldn’t be for another twelve years.” But Alyx is five there, so she's saying she won't remember it until she's seventeen? But the book ends before that! Are you sure that's what you meant?
-There is something you never answered: What were Dani, Blaze, and Chance doing at the Perfect boarding school. Also, why did they decide to never go back there after the one-week visiting break?
-When Alyx's mom finds her friends and brings them to the Injection headquarters towards the end of the book, and when she's telling Alyx, she says that Alyx and the others – Dani, Blaze, and Chance – all disappeared from the Perfect school on the same day. But, didn't they leave with everyone else for the one-week visiting family thing? So they left school like everyone else did, when they were supposed to. You should have Alyx's mom say that they all didn't come back to school on the same day after the one-week break, because that makes more sense.
~Continuation #2 of my review for Brigid's story, Injection~-Maybe it's a bit unrealistic that Danika never saw Alyx without her contacts at night. Also, it's unrealistic that she never heard the phone calls between Alyx and Kate. I mean, if Dani was so carefully watching Alyx, how did she not notice the phone calls? Or the eyes?
---->Plus, how did the other Perfects not notice how un-perfect she was being? AND, how did Alyx never get sick at the school? You can't go several weeks without at least getting one minor cold. And if she did get a cold, how did the perfects not notice? Maybe in one chapter, you should write a scene where Alyx gets a cold and she's like “Oh, CRAP. They're going to know I'm not a Perfect now!” And then a Perfect sees her sneezing/blowing her nose, and the Perfect is shocked, but then their mind does that thing where they erase a memory from their mind, so they don't remember anymore and don't catch her. You should write that just to show ... if you want. :D
-On page 86, when Alyx is talking to Danika on the stairs, the day after Kate has died, she thinks this: “For the first time, I had admitted to it out loud: Kate was dead. She was gone. I would never see her again, not for the rest of my life. For the first time, I felt the acceptance sink in -- and I wasn’t sure if it felt better or worse than denying the truth. It just made me feel angry.”
--->But that's not true. It's not the first time she has accepted and admitted that Kate is dead. She does this right after Kate has just been shot, on page 82: “Right then, I realized that Kate was gone. I realized that I would never see her again, or hear her comforting voice. I realized that I had no one now; Kate had been my only family. I was alone and lost in the world, with no one to turn to and nowhere to go.”
--->So I think you should delete this part; as in, take out the part where she realizes that Kate is gone right after Kate dies. It doesn't make sense. Right after Kate dies, she'd be in utter shock and disbelief and incomprehension. So maybe you should move the “right then” paragraph down to where she's talking to Danika and accepting it – or you can incorporate it into those thoughts.
-Why did Dani lie to Alyx when she said that she's staying at the perfect school over the week break?
-Wouldn't the economy suffer if all the money was suddenly gone? There are so many people, that wouldn't things be running out? If they don't exchange anything, how can they keep producing things and having enough for everyone?
-How is it possible to block impure thoughts? Maybe you could research and give a more scientific explanation.
-Also, you never really specified: does the injection make you “pretty?” Or you look normal? Because the reporter who was talking about the injection on TV at the beginning said it makes you look better, but then everyone who gets the injection doesn't look any different then they did as non-perfects, right? (Besides the purple eyes, of course).
-Random mistake on pg. 160: “I contemplated it as I got up and got dressed. I was still trying to decide as I took a shower, and then combed my hair in front of the mirror.” Um, she got dressed before she took a shower ... why would she do that? Just to take her clothes off again? Or did she shower with her clothes? Haha. ;)
-Alyx never takes her suitcase from Kate's house. Chance takes her to Leo's house after Kate's death, and they never go back to Kate's house. So Alyx has none of her stuff; no clothes or anything, besides the ones on her back. But you talk about Alyx changing all the time, getting dressed or putting on new clothes or whatever. And you always talk about her changing for the night, too. But she has no pajamas, or no other clothes! Maybe you could have Danika give Alyx clothes, but make sure you show that, that you write a scene where Alyx asks Danika for clothes.
-Then, another thing about that: when Alyx finds the tracker on her jacket, and everyone has to leave the house so Blake can blow it up, Chance, Blake, and Danika just leave without all their suitcases and such. I mean, maybe they don't have time to get their suitcases and lug them out, but wouldn't they want to leave with their stuff? And, would they wear the same dirty clothes all the time because they didn't have their stuff?
-In the epilogue: if Alyx and her friends aren't blowing up buildings or doing anything to stop the injection, what are they doing? What's their point anymore, what's their purpose? What is their goal?
-How does everyone eat all the time? They stay at Leo's house for weeks and weeks. The food they have there can't last that long. They'd have to go out and buy groceries. When do they do that, and how? Maybe you should include a bit about them going out and buying more food. Plus you never mention them eating – write something about that, maybe just once or twice. You always have them drinking coffee, but you don't show them eating anything even once.
Description:
-Great, vivid imagery and description! You write in a way that makes me feel as though I'm there. What sticks out most to me in my mind, for some reason, is the scene where Tanya dies. Something about the way you described her, with blood gushing out of her nose ... it was creepy and kind of gruesome, but amazing. You wrote that really well; you managed to leave an impact on me, make the reader feel disturbed. And that's a good thing; that's what you were aiming for.
-Everything is so REAL, it's like I'm experiencing it. It's like I'm Alyx. You write in a way where every moment is so clear, so realistic ... it's like watching a movie, detail for detail. Especially the part where Kate dies. The description was so amazing. I don't have anything bad to say about it. XD
Characters:
-You have great, three-dimensional characters with strong personalities! Especially Danika and Blake. Danika is hilarious and lovable and talkative and so awesome. Blake is particularly 3-D and complex and funny, and his pyromania is such a cool quirk. You do a really good job of developing his character; at the beginning he's gruff and rude and has this “I couldn't care less,” vibe, but at the end, even though he's still tough, he softens up a bit and you can tell he really cares about everyone.
-And there are a lot of really funny parts with characterization and other things. :D The whole time I wasn't biting my nails or feeling my heart hammer, I was laughing or smirking.
-Alyx is an awesome character, too. She's so realistic and believable. I love her sarcasm, and she thinks exactly like people her age think! :D
-Alyx's character development is amazing. Alyx changes a lot, from someone innocent, ignorant, carefree, strong, tough, confident and invincible, to someone softer, knowing, wiser, experienced, quieted, and a bit more understanding. And kudos to you for that kind of change; you're stepping out of the norm. Most of the time, when there's a character change/development throughout the book, it's usually from a subdued person to a tough person, but yours is the opposite. Which I think is really great.
----> No, I'm not saying that at the end Alyx gets weak or less strong or anything! If anything, she's still stronger at the end. But she's more subdued, and smarter, and less cocky, you know? Which is really awesome.
-I think Injection has the best villain out of all of your stories, the best and most developed one. She's definitely round. She's not all the typical, stupid “mwa ha ha” evil. She's a bit insane, but she truly believes in what she's doing, plus she still loves her daughter. That's one of the things that's so great about Injection.
Unfortunately, I must move onto a less happy note now:
-Alyx seems to cry way too much in this book. I know she has an extremely hard and grief-filled life, especially since Kate died, but it still seems like a bit too much. It makes her seem really weak and soft (no offense), instead of the strong, tough character that she started out to be. I'm not saying I don't think she should cry – it's good character development that she's breaking down – but she does it so often that it makes you think she's a complete crybaby or something. Of course, if that's the impression you want us to have, you should keep that. But I'm not sure that's what you were aiming for.
Twists & Effect:
-What can I say? ;) All your plot twists are good and unexpected and excited. There definitely isn't anything to improve here! :D I never guess what's going to happen. Chance's almost-death was totally unexpected; so was Kate's death, it was so shocking! You're just amazing at this. :)
Dialogue & Emotion:
Your dialogue is so hilarious! I've cracked up so many times because of the hilarious things you've made your characters say. Humor is a natural talent for you, and that's amazing. :D And, the dialogue is really realistic, along with all the arguments your characters have. It feels like it is really happening; I can relate to it, or I've heard something like it before in real life, which is always a good sign. Good job!
You're great with emotion! I feel every emotion that Alyx feels. I cry when she cries, laugh when she does, everything. You have an amazing talent of making everything so REAL, and somehow you manage to make me feel myself what your main character is going through. When she's conflicted about something, I feel the same, even though that's not really what's happening in my life. I don't know how you do it, but it's amazing. I think emotion is your strongest suit!
-Alyx's reaction after she finds out that she just bombed a building is really good, really realistic. First she's shocked, then disbelieving, then angry, then horrified, then in tears. It's perfect, and Alyx's thought process after this makes perfect sense. :D Great job on her inner struggles about this, when she's helping the others make injection centers go ka-boom! :D It's so realistic. I really felt like I was agonizing with her.
-Alyx's personal struggles are really believable, too! Especially when she's arguing with herself about chance, and trying to convince herself that she doesn't like him. :D
-The emotion Alyx goes through after she kisses chance and he doesn't talk about it is extremely real. It's exactly how I've felt when I like a guy and he doesn't like me back. I love this simile: “Sometimes I felt like it was killing me, clawing and biting ferociously at my insides like an angry, deranged, rabid cat.” It's very vivid and so true.
~Continuation #3 of my review for Brigid's story, Injection~Now for the things you need to work on. ;D
-Dialogue tags. You use “said” a lot; maybe you should find alternate words for dialogue tags. Like, “replied,” “announced,” “declared,” “stated,” “responded,” etc. Or, you could not use any dialogue tags in places where you can't think of anything besides “said.” For example, in the following line: “'You too!' said Danika, apparently not minding.” Instead, you could write: “'You too!' Apparently, Danika didn't mind.” That sounds better a lot of the time.
-Alyx's emotions right after Kate dies aren't very realistic. I mean, the first thing she thinks is, “Kate's gone, I'm never going to see her again, I'm alone.” I don't think someone would think that right away after a loved one has died. She would probably feel utter shock first. And then denial. And then, finally, the realization would come that Kate is dead and she isn't coming back.
-I know that Alyx does sort of explore how it could have been her fault that Kate died, but she doesn't really feel guilty that much, or blame herself. I know it really isn't her fault, but when someone's loved one has just died, they usually blame themselves and dwell on the guilt ...
-You do a really good job of making Alyx sound like a realistic young teenager, but I think you overdo it a bit too much. She's always overly emotional and overly obsessed with convincing herself she doesn't like Chance. That's a good aspect to have, but be careful; I think you try too hard to make her sound like a teenager, so it's exaggerated. Try to subdue it a little bit. You can show how she's a teenager, but maybe cut down some of it.
-It's good that she shows her emotion about chance, but I think she obsesses over it too much. Maybe you want that, but I don't know. I'm not saying eliminate it – not at all, her thoughts about chance are great – but maybe you shouldn't have so much, you know? Take away a little of the obsessing over chance.
Mechanics:
Okay, I kind of went crazy with the mechanics when I was re-reading Injection. Instead of just writing the general idea of what you have to fix, I found tons and tons of examples and fixed them. Sorry, I couldn't help it. >.< Anyways ...
Grammar/Spelling/Usage/Etc
-Go through Injection and search for spelling mistakes and usage errors to change. For example: on page 109, you wrote that Blaze kneeled, but the correct word is knelt.
- Sometimes you make up words. Search for that. For example,“upsetted” on pg 124 isn't a word.
-You have a lot of fragments, and it makes the book choppy and not flowing. You should eliminate those when you don't need them. Once in a while is good, but I feel like Injection is overloaded with them.
-Another random usage error: Pg. 198. “You’re dedication to your friends is touching, I must say.” Your, not you're.
Sentence Structure/Wording/Etc
-You might want to find a way to change up sentence orders a bit. For example: “Except, I guess I had seen her wearing something else when I first got here. Only, I had been in such a daze then that I hadn’t noticed.” The two sentences are exactly like, so maybe you could vary their style ...
-Sometimes you have awkward, uncomfortable, weird wording. Example: “Usually, this would be the point where Chance and I would start talking. Only, right now there was no talking.” (pg. 137) This sentence doesn't flow and is choppy and awkward. My suggestion: “Usually, this would be the point where Chance and I would start talking. But right now there was no talking.” go through, find other things like that, fix.
-You use “only,” at the beginning of a lot of sentences, and it sounds weird and awkward. You should replace “only,” with “but.” For example: “Only, as I stared at my surroundings, I thought it was a little different from how I might have pictured it.” (pg. 140) You should change it to “But as I stared at my surroundings, I thought it was a little different from how I might have pictured it.” It sounds much better.
----->I'm going to give you a bunch of examples of when you do this, just so you can get an idea and know what you're looking for when you go through and change them.
-pg. 158: “Only, maybe this was something more than that.” Change “only,” to “but.”
-pg. 160: “Only, I knew that I wasn’t, because so much had changed in that time.” Again, the 'only' is awkward. Switch it with 'but'. (without the comma).
- “Only, he didn’t say a word.” Same thing. Pg. 166
-pg. 168: “ Only, I didn’t cry.” 'But' instead.
-pg. 169: “Only, I was hoping maybe we could do something that wouldn’t involve wasting any explosives.”
-pg. 185: “Only, maybe that wasn’t a good thing.”
-pg. 201: “Only, that plan would never come.”
----> There's way more than that, I just wanted to give you a few examples. You should go through and change them. :)
-pg. 208: “Not that it mattered what it was.” This sounds better as “But it didn't matter who it was.”
- pg 166: “Well, I could deal with that. I could accept it, even. Or, at least I could at first.” Again, it's choppy and has too many extra, unnecessary, add-on words. the last sentence. You should get rid of the “or”. Instead, make it “At least, I could at first.” Maybe even get rid of the well at the beginning.
-Sometimes you have too many words and things clumped together. For example: “Well, of course, Blaze and Dani wouldn’t know that. They were probably too mad at Chance right now to even notice me, not that I would tell them what had happened.” (pg. 160). At the beginning, the “Well, of course” is kind of choppy and takes away from the flow of the sentence. Maybe you should say either one, maybe just “well”. And then, “not that I would tell them what happened” should be separate from that sentence; like, “Of course, I wouldn't tell them what had happened ...” or if you want to keep it in the same sentence, it should be a semi-collen between the first and second clause. Just go through Injection and take out all the extra words and extra phrases and everything. Sorry for being so specific; I'm just trying to help you understand what you need to take out when you go through and edit.
Originality:
The thing about this is, it's a bit like both The Host by Stephenie Meyer and Uglies by Scott Westerfeld – but what's cool is even though it has similarities to these, it's still entirely unique and different. I'd definitely call it original.
Yeah, it's quite similar to Uglies and The Host. But it's also got individuality from those other books, and is unique within itself.
What I love about Injection is, you're mixing both The Host and Uglies together, along with new, different, other concepts. It's like two amazing books morphed together, some aspects from one, some from another, and created Injection. And that's really cool. But it's not only that – there are many aspects unique only to Injection, too, mixing it with your own ideas, new aspects. It's great.
So you don't have to worry about this not being original at all, because it is. :D
Miscellaneous Notes:
-Alyx seems too smart and intelligent and aware at the beginning, when she's only three and then five.
-Sometimes, the language feels too choppy. Especially when Alyx is talking to you/having interior monologue.
-On Alyx's part, sometimes the thinking is too tedious and drawn-out and long. And a lot of times, her thoughts are really redundant and repetitive. I think you need to go through and edit her thoughts; shorten them, make them less redundant and long.
-In Injection, you “crap” a lot ... it's a good tool sometimes, but I think it's a bit overused. Maybe you can find words to replace it? Or, if you're fine with that, then it's not a big deal.
-A lot of times you have redundancy; you should go through and take out all the things that repeat what's already been said. For example: “Classes had ended for the day; I wouldn’t start classes until the next day.” You're basically repeating yourself there. Maybe instead, you could say something like: “Classes had ended for the day, so I wouldn't start my nightmare until tomorrow.” Or something like that.
-There are a lot of words and phrases that aren't needed. Check through and get rid of as much as you can; when I was re-reading it, it felt a bit too wordy, which took away from the mental “movie” of the story. Remember, less is more.
-Injection has got SUCH great humor! Danika is hilarious, and the stuff Alyx thinks is funny (especially the triple crap thing when she first meets chance. Ahahahaha.) Also, the dialogue is so funny and realistic!
-This isn't really that important, but I noticed that a LOT of people have blond hair in Injection: Alyx, Tanya, Alyx's mom, Susan, Blaze, and lots more. And they're all defined as having “pale blond hair.” Yeah, there's nothing wrong with having a lot of people with the same hair color in a book. But I think it would be nicer if you mixed it up a bit.
---->I mean, Alyx and her mom can have blond hair, but maybe you should switch up the others. There are plenty of different hair colors out there ... different shades of brown, black, auburn, different shades of red, etc. Or, at least, they could stay blond, but maybe you could make them have different shades of blond, not just “pale” blond hair? There are plenty of other shades of blond out there. Golden-blond, strawberry blond, ash blond, dark blond, dirty blond, etc ... you already did that with Susan (platinum blond). But it just bugged me that there were so many people with an exact shade of pale blond hair. I know something as mundane as hair color doesn't really matter to the book, but it still bugged me, for some reason ... I think you may want to fix this.
~Continuation #4 of my review for Brigid's story, Injection~-You tend to use a lot of the same words. The solution? A thesaurus is good. The thesaurus is amazing. The thesaurus is your friend. The thesaurus is your best friend. Use it. XD
-“But it was a pretty awful experience, especially considering that I had never thrown up before in my entire life.” That isn't very realistic – she'd never thrown up before in her life? What, she'd never gotten the flu, never gotten a cold with too much mucus, never had an upset stomach? That doesn't seem real. I mean, I'm fourteen and I've thrown up way too many times in my life to count. So, I dunno, you can keep it that way, but it doesn't seem realistic ...
-The chemistry between Chance and Alyx is amazing. :D Great job there! :D
-I know I keep repeating this, but I really have to say it again and again. There are parts where I can barely read from cracking up. Haha! :D
-I think there's maybe a little TOO much internal monologue. It's good that you show Alyx's thought process, but sometimes there's just pages and pages of her thinking about stuff ... and a lot of it is her repeating herself. You should maybe narrow it down, eliminate thoughts that aren't necessary, and see where she's repeating herself. Because that can kind of get annoying and boring.
-When she talks to the reader, it's choppy and it doesn't flow. There are many extra words and she often repeats herself and goes over what she's telling us too much. You should cut those down to the minimum words, make sure they flow better.
---> Aww, man. I think I've said this about a million times already. Sorry; this is what happens when you read Injection 20 times and write notes about what you noticed every time without checking if you've already written that before. >.< Sorry!
-Alyx says a lot of repetitive things; the same things over and over just in a different order, or in a different way, or in different words. watch for repetition. Least is most.
---> Aww crap. I said it again. Okay, I'll shut up about the repetition thing now. I think you get it by now. XD
-pg. 193: “You do understand, don’t you, Alyx? You know why I had to keep experimenting until I invented the Injection. It was because I couldn’t bear to let anyone else die in the same pitiful way that your father had. I couldn’t let anyone feel the pain that I was feeling.” I love the irony of this, how she's trying to prevent death by inventing the injection, but the injection brings so much death and pain itself.
-The scene with Lena getting taken away by the Gazers is amazing. I really felt Alyx's pain and shock, and it was really unnerving. Great job.
-I love when Danika says “You guys are going to have such cute babies!” I seriously almost wet my pants, I was laughing so hard. But you really didn't need to know that, did you? ;D
Conclusion:
Ahh. I'm finally done!! Hahha. That was really fun! :D 14 pages. Whoot whoot!! XD
I have to apologize again that it took me 6 months. This was the busiest year of my life, I think. It was so crazy. I'm so so so sorry!! But I hope this review was thorough enough. I worked on it so hard, and for so long. ;D
The experience of reviewing Injection was amazing. I loved reading it again – especially 20 more times ;D – and it was awesome trying to make it better.
I hope you don't think I hate Injection, because of course that's now true! I was able to be so harsh on it because I love it so much and care about it so much and want to make it a lot better. :D
I'm sorry if this review is long and repetitive. But I really hope it helps you in editing Injection.
Anyways. Injection is an amazing book, with astonishing plot, characters, themes, and writing style. If you work on some or most of what I've suggested to you in the review, I know it can be so amazing and good enough to be published. :) This is a book that will change lives, I know it! And I'm so glad I've been able to try to help you “clean” it. XD You can make this the best it can be, I'm sure of it! XD
Okay, enough with the cheesy lines, hehe. :D
So, the review's finally over, and there's really only one thing left to say.
RAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hope you enjoyed it. ;D
~Sella
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WHOA!! WHOA!! AHH!! I'm SO glad that's finally done! I feel so good now. :D:D:D:D I don't have to feel guilty anymore! Yay! XD
Haha, that was probably WAY too long and confusing. Sorry. :P Brigid, if you have any questions/need any clarifications about something/are confused about anything, please ask me. :D
Ahaha. Yay! XD
Hey, Brigid, do you want me to send you this review in a MS word document attachment by email, since it's so long? I don't you to copy and paste all four posts. >.<
Rawr! I love you Brigid! XD
Heyy, okay I'm reviewing Arianna!! Oh, sorry if you don't like the format of the review, but you never actually said what format you wanted!!! Sorry!!Introducation:
Okay, first up, i absolutely LOVED the story. It's originality, creativity, the word choices, descriptions--everything. All that was fantastic! Really, the main thing you really need to work on is the length of what your writing, and then again, thats only if you're looking at writing novels. And perhaps explaing things in even more detail. But all in all so far, your writing is fantastic!
Plot: 45/50
Honestly, i don't think anyone's plot is an exact 100% perfect, but i really enjoyed yours. The plot is easy to follow, and its creativity makes it that much more interesting. You can definitely tell there is much, MUCH more to happen. The idea of Aiden coming into it really gets the stimulus going. The story is shrowded in mystery, as i have no doubt was you intenting. And honestly, who wants to read a book that's storyline is completely predictable? Well done, yours is fantastic=)
Description: 37/40
I love the way that your words roll off one another, if you understand what I mean. They flow together, and fit together perfectly in the sentences. As the first chapter is usually an introductory chapter, maybe you could have described your characters a little more, like how Jewels, Arianna, Ms. Jenkins and Ambianis looked, a little how they acted too. You've already descibed their personalities well, so thats finished. =)
Character Development: 30/40
I think this is the probably the weakest of your points IN THIS CHAPTER. Perhaps if youu described the characters a little more, than it'll be prefect. however, in saying that, the idea of the mysterious Aiden is definitely a good stimulus and a perfect development of this character. already i'm itching to meet him!!!
Twists and Effects: 37/40
I think you've got this aspect down packed. The way you have twisted the story so far, in the sense that despite the fact that Ariana is an orphan, she still has a family and is setting out to find it. Also the way that Aiden appears in her dreams, giving off a mysterious air. Maybe they've met before?? And what could happen between them? Keep the reader asking questions, as you can tell i have already started to ask:) And, as i have no doubt repeated, i love the mysterious and cloudy effects you've used so far. WELL DONE!!!!!
Dialogue and Emotion: 35/35
I'm someone who really likes to talk, so i like it when people talk alot in books. Also, i love it when people connect dialogue and emotion together, as you have done easily in a way that makes the book flow. I really have no advice for you in this aspect, as you have done it so perfectly!!!!! i can tell Arianna is the quiet type, as shown by the way she speaks, feels and speaks. And, as you've explained, Jewels is the oppsite, which is also explained through the way she is always yelling and squealing. There's nothing better than beign able to read and understand how characters are feeling=P
Mecahnics: 33/35
The spelling, grammar and spelling is almost perfect! The way you have written and constructed your words and sentences is almost flawless!! I love the way the words run off my tongue! A tip, if you're checking the flow of the story, read it allowd. If you stop and stutter, then you may need to rearrange words=)
Originality: 10/10
In all the hundreds of books i have read, this has to be a story that i have never even read before. I know that writing a book is like writing music; there are only a limited amount of different things you can write about. however, the wya you've tied everythign up in this first chapter is amaxing! This is why i have rated you 10 for the originality. I've heard abotu orphans yes, but not with dreams tied into it. And i love the names for characters and places that you have came up with. Again, original!!!!
Overall score: 227/250
Arianna was the beginning of a book i would no doubt buy and read. Describe your characters a bit more, keep the mystery and reader's questions goin, continue the flow and your set! I can't wait for the next chapter=)
(Oh yeah, and if your someone who is to modest for their own good, know that i don't lie:P if it was bad, i would tell you! So bask in the fact that this is a truly fantastic book!!! Well, so far anyway=P)
Thanks, and I hope this helps
Ashara=)
Numerical Review of Fear's Truce by Ilana WilsonI reviewed Fear's Truce by Ilana Wilson. Great job Ilana! I really got into this story got a bit upset when it ended, but that's okay because I know there is more to come. Once I began to understand what was going on I really enjoyed it. You had good character explanation and interaction. Minimal grammar mistakes, barely even noticeable. I loved reading as the characters developed a little more with each interaction and the mystery of their purpose to stay in each others company almost killed me.
Plot: 32/50
It didn't really seem as if there was a defined plot. I did love the story line but there was really no defined thing that told where it was heading or what it was going to be about.
The Liyah' ezla are those who couldn't die. They take on the names of the emotions but are actually living people. I didn't understand that at first, and I didn't really understand what was going on. I think that was one thing that needed to be explained sooner or it could be a possibility that people with a short attention span, such as myself, would lose interest or become confused. Once that is explained then the story line becomes interesting.
Description: 36/40
The world could have been described a little bit better so the reader can really have a clear picture of what the world of your characters truly is. I have no idea what Sorrow looks like nor a clear picture of Fear; that is something that could explained a bit better. Other than that, I give thumbs up to.
Character Development: 39/40
I fell in love with the characters. Sorrow was very believable in a way that she seemed almost human. Sorrow and Fear both grew in the story, Sorrow more so than Fear. I did feel that Fear could have been a little better explained but I'm sure that will come as the story develops. I found myself really liking Sorrow and even had some emotions for Fear, I'm just not sure what they are yet. *smile*
Twists & Effect: 36/40
I did not expect some of the twist you put in there. I didn't expect for her and Fear to come to an understanding but I did love it when they did. It was a little predictable when Fear came into the picture that he would be the main problem but I didn't expect the twist between Fear and Sorrow to happen. Nice work on that.
Dialogue & Emotion: 35/35
Your dialogue and emotion expressions was amazing. I really envy how well you can do it. The characters spoke in a way that was very believable and fit their personalities. It is something that is very hard to do but I really feel you nailed it.
Mechanics: 35/35
There was nothing huge wrong with the way the story was written. Just one or two little wording mistakes that could be mistaken for intentional if noticed at all. Nothing in all to get in a tizzy about. but there is one thing that you might want to go back and try and fix, you used I a lot. It is something that is hard to stop and sometimes isn't even noticeable but it helps the story not to use it as much, in my opinion.
Originality: 9.5/10
This was something new and refreshing to read. The story wasn't something that many write about or anyone would think of. The characters couldn't be compared to any other work, well Sorrow can't. But Fear had something about him that most writers try to put in their main male character, a hardness I think. Or maybe it could be that bad boy attitude that they portray, this haunted persona that seem to capture the reader. That is something that isn't new but it works for Fear because it is true. But I felt like everything was new and had a spin on it no one would have thought of.
Overall Score: 222.5/250
Notes:
You are very talented at catching the essence of a character. making it clear what haunts them, what drives, giving them a purpose. I envy your command of words, the way that you go off into dialect and make the character who they are. The only thing I could ask is that the plot be a little bit more clear. Or you can get some kind of indication where the story is going to go. It was a real pleasure to read your story and I look forward to reading the rest.
Christa Holley
-This is the topic where you write your reviews! There are two formats under which you can write your reviews (see following post). You do not have to follow the format too strictly, but try to stay as close to the format as possible.
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