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BLACK ─────────────────────────────────────────── 20/01/18
she did not cry. not even once.
she guessed the funeral was nice. he would have like it. however, she found it unbearable. the church had been packed with people giving condolences and giving her awkward hugs that made her skin crawl. his "friends" stood up at the podium and spoke about how devastated they were over his death. but these were the same people who blew off visiting him in the hospital with pathetic excuses. the truth was they didn't want to be associated with the boy who tried to kill himself. his parents wept while people comforted them and she could only restrain from scoffing as she watched the same people who shunned their son put on a show.
through the entire thing, she had stared blankly in front of her, her skin itching from the old black dress that she had found buried in her closet. she had first worn it to her mother's funeral and now she's wearing it to his. people around her seemed to keep dying. she hated them for that. they left her to deal with the repercussions of their deaths. when it was her mother, she spiraled. she sank into depression, pushing away every helping hand that came her way. she alienated herself from society as she feared connecting with somebody just to be left again. but then he came along. he forcefully dragged her from her sea of darkness. he was her lifeline, the boy with the blue eyes that held so many emotions. he was always a mystery to her. his heart was something just out of reach, so close yet so far.
she wondered why the hell she had kissed him that night. it was a few months after his stay in the hospital. they lay on the roof of her house, stargazing with a bottle of whiskey between them and bon jovi playing in the background. she lay sleepily on his chest, barely awake and listening to the sound of his heart. she could hear the vibrations of his laugh as he recounted a funny incident that happened to him as a child. she lazily smiled as he spoke, relishing in the sound of his voice, looking up at his face and was hypnotized by the movement of his lips. she wanted to kiss him but it scared her. but she decided to swallow that fear. her lips brushed against his lightly before applying slight pressure. it felt like an eternity before he responded, his warm hand moving to cup her cheek as he brought her closer. she had wondered if this is what happiness tasted like - whiskey and mint. their lips moved in sync as his arm hesitantly wrapped around her slim waist and her hand ran through his hair. it felt like a millennia before they parted for air and stared, blue meeting brown. he went in for another kiss, this time short and lingering but still just as nerve-wracking. she smiled sheepishly at him, still in awe that actually transpired. he smiled as well, and told her to get some sleep. resting her head back on his chest, his heartbeat lulled her to sleep. as she began to lose consciousness, she barely caught the words that left his mouth, "Forgive me."
the next day, he was gone. his roommate found him in his bedroom, without a pulse and a bottle of sleeping pills beside him. he left behind no note. there was no explanation for why he did it. why he had resorted back to this after his recovery from his previous attempt. after all the pain and the nights where she cried herself to sleep, wondering if she did something wrong. she constantly thought maybe it was her fault. but then that sadness turned to anger. she began to feel a deep hatred for him. he was selfish. he knew he was going to do this, yet he kissed her back. it would of been better if he had rejected her, pushed her away. maybe then she wouldn't have dreamed of a future where the both of them were happy. he filled her with false hope that didn't even last for 24 hours.
she now stood at his grave, the cemetery now empty. the funeral had ended long ago but for some reason she couldn't quite leave yet. she gazed bitterly the black headstone, her eyes burning yet no tears fell. a flask was tightly gripped in her hand, half its contents now gone. a bitter laugh escaped her lips, as she ran a gloved hand through her hair. she wondered if he was watching her, from where ever the dead go and laughing. he probably found her confusion and frustration funny. right now she was his memento - his suicide note. he left one behind in a person. she was his last testament to the world. she thought he probably wanted to show everyone that he still had importance in someone's life - that he could make a heart bleed in agony. he wanted everyone that ever betrayed him to see and he got what he wanted.
WHITE ─────────────────────────────────────────── 21/01/18
she didn't want to leave yet.
her back was pressed against his chest as she sat in between his legs on the carpeted floor. his arms wound loosely around her waist, keeping her in place, almost like he was keeping her from possibly escaping, but she herself didn't want him to let her go. if he did, she would have no excuse to stay in this apartment. she leaned back, skin tingling from the butterfly kisses he scattered on her neck. her eyes were trained on his fingers as her hands played aimlessly with them. it had been silent for a while, both of them reluctant to talk about the elephant in the room.
she shifted from her position, her body straddling him as she placed her hands on the wall, so this time he was the one that couldn't escape. his eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the change. "I'm going to have to leave sooner or later." she mumbled the words hesitantly, "It's inevitable." he frowned and ran a hand through his hair and let out a groan. but then that particular smirk he wore when he was about to mischievous appeared. before she could react, his hands went to her sides and he began ticking her. she burst out laughing and fell back onto the floor. so she couldn't get away, he climbed on top of her, his face just a few millimetres away. his lips quickly found hers, his teeth slightly nipping at her bottom lip, causing her to moan slightly. he knew that was her weakness. his hands stayed beside her head, keeping his body a slight distance away from her. she reached her hands up, wanting to pull him closer. one hand placed itself on his neck, drawing him closer, while the other lightly pulled his hair. he groaned against her lips, and finally separated his lips from hers but not after pecking her now red and swollen lips one last time. she pouted and strained to kiss him again, but he placed a finger over her mouth and shook his head. "Stay with me." he said, his voice husky. he stared directly at her, the grey seeming to undress her. "You know I can't." she whispered, turning her head, avoiding his intense gaze.
at those words he stood up from the floor and sighed, a disappointed and slightly pissed expression on his face. "Do whatever you want." his voice dripped with hurt, "I'm going to take a walk." he put his jacket on and headed towards the door. "I don't think I can sit here and watch you pack." her mouth opened to say something but before she could he was already gone, a slam resounding throughout the apartment. she wanted to run after him but it was like her legs weren't listening to her. so she could only sit there and gape at the door. her stupor was interrupted by the sound of her phone. crawling over to the bed, she grabbed it from its spot on the floor and checked her messages.
Can't wait to see my beautiful girlfriend. See you tmrw. Love you <3
i'm a terrible person. this is the thought that echoed in her head as she crawled into a ball and sobbed.
i. pillow talkHe had made her coffee.
Mae’s mind stalled slightly, eyes adjusting to the dimness of the room and the image of Julian’s silhouette hovering over her, his arm stretched out and offering her the mug in silence. She didn’t know what had confused her more - the fact that it was only a little past 4 am and he had decided to make her coffee or the fact that he even thought of doing something as mundanely considerate as that without her hinting towards it or maybe it was the fact that he was home and not at the hospital or lab working on his latest project. A sort of secret that he kept from her but she had some inclination towards it. She didn’t know if he knew or not.
Adjusting her body so that she was no longer sitting up with the support of her elbows, she scooted back in the bed so her back pressed against the pillow behind her, slightly squashed from her earlier sleeping state. At this point she expected Julian to move and put down the coffee on the table but he still stood there, expectantly waiting for her to take the coffee with a neutral expression on his face but Mae could tell by now that he was frustrated or at least a little ticked off by her behaviour. Eventually she did take it, fingers wrapping around the handle of the mug instead of the rim to avoid burning herself, inevitably causing her fingertips to brush against his as he let go while she pulled the mug towards her and took a sip. Recently, Mae had told Julian that she refused to talk to him about any issues before she had her morning coffee.
Like the technical ass he was, he took her seriously.
The dip in the bed brought her out of her lulled thoughts and her head turned, lips pressed against the ceramic rim as she took another sip of bitter caffeine and watched him pull the blanket away and get situated on the other side of the bed - their bed. It had been hard for the both of them to even grasp that concept. For something to not be mine but ours. Shared with a person not out of choice but requirement. Frankly, even after a year she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it but then again, it’s not like she had any capacity to imagine sharing a bed with someone else. If it wasn’t Julian, who else would it be? Granted, she had gotten used to not actually seeing him make use of the bed since their schedules had been entirely different for the past two months, her being in school and him with his research and job searching. Mae was notorious for being a deep sleeper, she clung onto her pillows and took up the space on the bed entirely but that aspect of her was immensely tamed ever since she started living with Julian. And now even despite the fact that he didn’t sleep at the same time she did and his side of the bed was empty, her subconscious wouldn’t allow her to cross over into that space in case he ever decided to sleep while she was there.
“So you’re home.” She murmured, peering at him from the corner of her eye and slowly taking another sip of coffee, trying not to burn her tongue, not that it didn’t already feel strange from having to be the first person to talk in the silent room.
“Yes.” Julian answered, Mae’s eyes watching as he reclined further onto the bed, his hands behind his head against the pillow.
Usually Mae wouldn’t be bothered by how two-dimensional his answers were but for some reason, the way that word left his mouth and the anomaly of seeing him at this time left something heavy and unnerving in the air. So she found herself opening her mouth again instead of leaving it just as that, lips curved into a brief but present frown, something bubbling inside her that she couldn’t exactly pinpoint yet. “Why? Did something happen?”
“No. Someone just asked me a question.” His response caused Mae to furrow her eyebrows, hand now clutching onto the mug as she pulled it away from her lips, lips parted slightly as she glanced at him quizzically. Someone asked him a question? She couldn’t quite understand what could hold that much gravity that he would find himself in this bed right now when he was usually working - a man as ambitious as Julian Elric.
Mae hadn’t had a chance to inquire any further because Julian was already talking her again, answering her questions before she could even conjure them up in that slowly awakening mind of hers, intoxicated by the fogginess of sleep and only starting to wake up from the mixture of caffeine and his presence that seemed to take hold of her focus now in the early morning.
“I was talking to one of my friends from school. He hasn’t been matched yet.”
Mae found herself humming in acknowledgement, feeling as if there was more coming but wasn’t quite sure if she should speak or show how increasingly nervous the suspense of all it was making her so she listened quietly, taking slow sips of her coffee so she felt grounded to an action and the silence between his words weren’t causing her mind to pick at every single aspect of the way he formed them, the timing of them or the weight in his tone.
“He asked me if I would change my match if I could.”
Another sip. She took another to maintain the nonchalance of her appearance - oversized t-shirt, too big for her to the point it slipped, exposing her shoulders and collarbone enough times for her to give up trying to correct it, short hair that she had managed to pin into a low bun or at least an attempt of one. She wasn’t exactly ready for this. She wasn’t expecting it either. Especially with Julian. She wasn’t expecting this conversation with Julian at this time in this bed. It also made no sense to her why she felt so acutely conscious of what his answer was going to be or why she was mentally steeling herself for it. Did it matter to her? It shouldn’t have. It’s not like you could change her match. Was that why she felt so unusually unsettled? Because there was a possibility that Julian didn’t want her as his match. But what part of her did that not to seem to sit well with? Her ego? She was going to go with her ego.
“And what are your thoughts on that?” He had paused for what felt like a comfortable window of her time to interject, choosing her words in an attempt to sound detached from the implications of this topic and more curious from an outside point of view instead of emotionally affected. Because she wasn’t. She was just tired.
“Well, I told him no.” Mae’s head turned to look at him fully, this time too caught up in her thoughts to hide her gaze, the stray hairs that escaped the clasp of her hair tie brushing against her skin as she tilted her head. However, she wasn’t expecting that Julian was looking at her just as perplexed, his body turned to face her. She hadn’t expected to make direct eye contact with him like that and she stalled, lips parting as she seemed to lose the basic human function of speech and she was quite good at it. All of a sudden, she was hyper aware of Julian and it didn’t matter how dark the room was. She could see him completely. She could map out every single inch of his face even if parts of it were shrouded by darkness, pulling his features from her memory vividly. Mae blinked once then twice and then a third time before she licked her lips, tasting the lingering bitterness of the coffee he gave her and turned her head yet again, placing the mug on the table before lying back down on the bed fully, chest rising and falling with each inhale and exhale.
She found herself turning on her side so that she was now facing him. Hands drawing up the blanket to her chin and cheek resting against her pillow. The silence in the room returned as she continued to look at him, the dimness of the room hiding the colour that rose to her cheeks that she wasn’t quite aware of and only seemed to grow from his persistent gaze on her as if he could see through the darkness of the room as well and see her clearly and vividly.
Mae found her mouth opening again, something on the tip of her tongue, daring her to say something yet for some reason she felt like whatever it was could give new dimensions to a dynamic that was two-dimensional for the sake of it functioning and despite her conditions being met, Mae didn’t want to have any issues to talk about with Julian, at least not right now. Right now, she liked the peace.
So instead she only shuffled in the bed again, turning her back towards him and closing her eyes to try and get some sleep before she actually had to wake up. “Try and sleep. I’ll make you coffee in the morning if you want.”
