WRITERS' CORNER discussion

Computer Rants

I have had a love-hate relationship with computers and with Microsoft for years. I often plead with my computer to just do what it is supposed to do rather than screwing up, giving me endless error messages and in general Fucking with my head.

So, about a year ago, I started writing these poetic rants down and sending them to Microsoft. They have not yet responded.

Here then are my Microsoft rants for your pleasure.

Dear Microsoft – Why I Left You

Dear Microsoft

I have left you for good. I wanted to let you know why in vain hopes that you will finally take the time to fix the many problems plaguing your software. But since you never respond to my emails and your on line forums are not that helpful I doubt it will make a difference.

I left because your products are so full of bugs and errors that I has become increasingly hard to tolerate. They have always been problematic but for some reason it has gotten worst.

I left because Excel was becoming so unreliable that I could not stand using it any more.
I shifted to Google docs and have had no problems at all. The docs work every time and has some features that are better than Excel including for example the ability to add or delete multiple rows or columns rather than having to do it one row or column at a time.

Excel has consistently given me three different annoying errors. First, every fifth or sixth entry I encounter an error saying that there is a circular reference. When I clicked help it suggested that I inspect the cells to find the error and remove it but when I tried to search for it I could not locate the error and realized that I would have to manually inspect each cell, a prospect that would take hours to accomplished and I don’t have hours to spare. I tried copying everything into a fresh new document that did not work. The error still occurred. I opened a brand new document and with in seconds the error popped up despite the fact that I had not entered more than two cells and there was no circular references anywhere.

Well, this has been a chronic but annoying error. But it was not the reason I left.

The reason I left is that about two months ago, when I tried to import some data into Excel I encountered an error message saying that no more fonts could be applied. Then I had to press okay and the error would repeat, until it would go away after ten or twenty times of pressing okay. Once I pressed okay 400 times before giving up.
I frequently had to reboot my entire computer to solve the problem.

And of course that meant that my work would be lost because the auto save button is always grayed out and has never worked once.

Another problem is that Excel would frequently go into Not respond mode. Sometimes I would have to close the spreadsheet and re-open it.

Whenever I open excel for the first time, I will often get five to ten versions at once and I will then have to manually remove each open file.

I have also had problems with Word. Word also opens multiple versions whenever I open it for the first time. Some times, it takes twenty minutes to open and clear out the multiple versions.
Microsoft word also randomly not responds just like Excel.

And Word also sometimes fails to save documents. The auto save button has never worked.

One week I kept track of all the errors I was having and calculated that Microsoft Word had a 60% error rate and Excel a 50% error rate meaning that 60 percent of the time when I opened Word I encountered an error minor or major.

Finally, Microsoft dictation does not work. Usually I have to click windows H shortcut five to ten times to get a stable connection. And then when I do the dictation program provides gibberish for every other word. If I am lucky I may get a sentence or two in clear text.

It is hardly worth using and I have given up on it. But on the other hand it has led to many delicious found poems which I have shared with her and posted on my blog.

So, for these reasons, I am finally giving up on you.

I would love to receive a response but won’t hold my breath.

Thanks

Jake Aller

 
Microsoft How I Hate You

published in Lotus Eaters Magazine
lotus eater magazine

For thirty years I have had the Microsoft blues
For thirty years I have had a love hate relationship
With my damn computer

I love it when it works as it advertised
I love it when the internet is fast and furious

I love it when my emails work
My Itunes work and my word works

But all too often
All I get is grief

It starts with the error messages
Written in a strange haiku like language
That only computer geeks understand

Things like
General Failure reading disk drive

Begs the question who is this General Failure
And why is he reading my disk drive anyway?

Or my favorite
“Not responding” as the computer freezes up
For no apparent reason
Other than to fuck with my head

Sometimes my computer can’t find a printer
A printer that is connected to the computer
And one that they found five minutes ago

And the dreaded blue screen of death
That appears randomly
Dumping memory somewhere

And killing my computer slowly
As I watch in real time

Powerless to stop
How it eats all my work
That I have failed to back up

One day I counted how many times
I ran into computer errors

70 percent of the time when I open Microsoft
Something goes wrong

Sometimes I want to shoot my computer
Put it out of its misery

As I curse up a blue storm
The computer looks at me

With an evil grin
It continues to fuck with my head

Nothing but silence from it
And all the other computers in the world

They smile knowing that they have tortured me
Yet again

Mission accomplished.

 
Computer Blues (revised)

Sometimes I think
My computer is plotting against me

And only me
Trying deliberately to drive me mad

My computer knows when I am busy
Then it throws a hissy fit

Refuses to boot up
Crashes constantly

Looses data that it had the day before
Or five minutes before
Or refuses to save the data

Just fucks with me
As it loves toying with me

Making me yell and scream
At my damn computer screen

Cursing up a blue stream of blue curses
As the blue screen of death
Marches across the dark blue screen

Smiling at me
As I beg it

To do what
it is supposed to do

Just once I beg it
Do what you are supposed to

Open the document once
Not twenty times

Do not not respond
In endless loops of opening

Not responding refusing to close
Until I respond to the error code

Please Mr. Computer
Quit playing games

Play my music
Don’t wipe out the sound
On the fifth attempt to play music

Don’t take an half hour to load Microsoft products
Don’t freeze up on opening ITUNES or Groove or Spotify

Don’t give me computer haiku error messages
That only make sense to computer geeks

Such as general error reading files
Who the ***** is this damn general
And why is NSA reading my files

Or can’t save the file
Or can’t save the an open file
When it just did ten times in a role

And in Microsoft excel
Refusing to move the cursor
Just freezing in place for a moment

And all the other gobblygook messages
That pop up every five minutes it seems
As the computer slowly drives me mad

Flashing the final insult
User driven mad
Mission accomplished
 
More Computer Blues

Sometimes I think
My computer is plotting against me
Trying deliberately to drive me mad

My computer knows when I am busy
Then it throws a hissy fit

Refuses to boot up
Crashes constantly
Looses data that it had the day before

Just fucks with me
As it loves toying with me
Making me yell and scream
At my damn TV

Smiling at me
As I beg it
To do what
it is supposed to do
 
Plead to the Computer Gods

Today I woke up
As I usually do

To yet another mystifying morning
Of unspecified computer errors

Could not get the computer to work
Then when I finally got it to work
After an half an hour

Microsoft word did not load
And when it did
I finally located my work
From yesterday

I had to find it in the roaming file
Why?
Who knows?

Only to find
That most of what I wrote
Had vanished into the ether

No explanation no warning
It was there saved yesterday
And now gone for ever

Once I did an experiment
Tracking computer errors for a week
75% of the time I encountered errors

Most of the time simple
Screen freezes no response message
Then when I recovered the program
The data was gone

Microsoft has yet to respond
to my e-mail
I suppose I need to do it again

But today I will close with a prayer
To the Computer Gods
Just once I would like
You to do what you are supposed to do

Open my documents
Save my work
And not give me any errors
Crashes or other unspecified problems

Is that too much to ask
Oh, Computer Gods

Just once
Do what you are supposed to do
That is all I ask of you
 
Prayer for Computer (send to Microsoft)

Every morning
I start my day

Cursing my damn computer
Been doing this for 30 some years

Since I bought my first computer
The Atari back in the 80’s

There is always something
Once I spilled coffee
On my first computer
The screen fizzled

Then green 666 appears
Endless repetition
Of the evil number from revelations

Freaked me out
It was 1984 after all
Was my computer making a political point?

Then of course
Endless blue screens of death
Fatal error reading disk drive

And my favorite computer error haiku
General Failure Reading Disk Drive
Begging the unanswerable question
Who is this General Failure
And why is he reading my disk drive

Years ago a computer techie
Told me the secret
that they don’t want you to know

99% of computer problems
Can be solved by rebooting
And 99% of the time
No one knows what went wrong
Or how to fix it
And so it goes and goes

Endless computer meltdowns
Mostly harmless

A couple of malware incidents
Once my computer was possessed
By evil malware that kept opening

And once I had an early version
Of ransom wear

My computer warned me
A dangerous virus had infected
My computer
Pay us money to fix it now

Had to take my computer to the shop
Reformate the hard drive
To remove that computer bug

But once my computer just died
Loosing half my recent data

Just because it wanted to
No reason given

So today instead of cursing up a blue storm
Of my own personal blue screen of death
I offer this short prayer to the computer gods

Today just for today
When I turn you on

I want you to do what you are supposed to do
Everything works

Everything is fast
And no more damn computer error haiku
Just do your fucking job

Hi Jake,
A lot of technology venting going on. I've created a folder for you, so you can post your writing here instead of the other writing folders.
Thanks