A Plethora of Pens, Paper, and Purpose discussion

Ummm.... yeah.

Here's a bit of something I was working on... It's kind of not really useable for a story at this point for me but... Yeah.

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I stared in wonder, my mittened hands sliding from my pockets as I reached out to touch the cool glass, my nose pressing against the display case window. My eyes flickered over the little red train traveling across the snowy landscape and I sighed. Ever since my parents lost their jobs, we stayed home for Christmas. Not that I minded—my extended family was a hassle—but I missed eagerly waiting, all bundled up, as the train pulled into our local station.

It's a pretty interesting beginning.

Thanks :) I don't really know how I would continue it though... I kind of want to but at the same time I wouldn't know how. Maybe I need to think about it more though

Oh actually I can connect it to something else I wrote

Xandra ~ haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds? wrote: "Oh actually I can connect it to something else I wrote"

Go for it ^.^

continued from previous...

I guess the main reason we didn't use the train was because of the accident though. I glanced over at Mother, noticing the tears. Her tears froze over before she could wipe them away, the icy droplets hanging from her eyelashes like chandeliers. She furiously attempted to cover up her crying, but it was too late. I already saw, and as she plastered a smile on her face, the smile that had adorned mine seconds ago quickly faded. Mother shakily brought her gloved hands to her face, exhaling repetitively to warm her numb fingers and calm herself down. I knew what she was thinking. She thought she had to stop crying now. I knew long ago that crying wouldn't bring her baby—my older brother—back.

Hmmm... Was that a good continuation... I don't even know at this point

In my opinion, which is more from a reader's standpoint, is that the start of the second part could change some. It sounded weird to me.

If you like where it's going, you should continue it. If not, don't.

Payson - yep I understand completely. I just threw together a quick transition, I didn't give it much thought. You're right though.

Em - yeah I mean I kind of like it but I'm not really sure yet

I just reread it and it sounded better.

lol

Oh really?? Hmm

This is just something random I wrote, but….

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"Just one step," she said softly, her voice only slightly louder than a whisper. "Please."

My vision blurred with tears as I watched her smile falter. If I had only listened, I wouldn't be here right now. I swiped at my eyes with the back of my hand and gripped the sides of the chair tightly. I just needed to do this, and everything could be okay again. If I just took that one step, things would be normal. Eventually normal.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling the cold metal under my clenched hands as I slowly, slowly stood up. My hands shook uncontrollably. "Let's do this," I murmured.

I pried my fingers off the chair and tentatively took a step forward. As I lifted my leg to take another step, I felt myself tip. I knew my bad leg wouldn't be able to support my weight. I lunged forward, trying to regain my balance, but I fell. Again. I let out a stream of curses under my breath and sat, my gaze not leaving the floor. I failed again.

I closed my eyes in exhaustion and the scene of the accident flashed back through my head.

"Hey, Sam!" Leah shouted, already across the street. "I'll meet you in here, okay?" She pointed at the store and I pointed to my phone, giving her a curt nod.

"I am sorry to inform you that you barely missed the cut. With a little hard work I'm sure you can make it next year," the cheery voice said through the phone.

"Yes, I understand. I'll try again next year, for sure. Thank you for your time," I responded softly, trying to hide my dejection. I hung up the phone and let out an exasperated sigh as I stepped into the crosswalk. Suddenly I heard a muted scream, and I turned my head slightly, my eyes going wide as the car sped right toward me. I felt myself freeze up, and all I could do was stare as the car barreled forward. The driver's gaze met mine for a brief moment before everything went black.

The doctors said I could never dance again, and that there was a very slim chance of ever being able to walk normally. Yet dance was as necessary as oxygen for me. I couldn't lose the one thing that mattered most. So every day, I've tried to walk again. If I can walk normally again, what was going to stop me from dancing?

I had a story idea similar to that one (comment #15). I just wanted to say that. Sorry. XD. I'll get on with my comments about it.

Please excuse how bad my feedback is. I tried, okay? I think my criticism will have more to it as you update the story or if you had more to it, though.

1.) First thing's first: One of the most noticeable mistakes is the flashback scene. Flashbacks in stories/bookes are usually italicized so it's set apart from the rest of the text. Italicization shows that it's not part of the present and isn't happening right now.

2.) Is this the prologue? If it is the prologue, then you can ignore this. I think you're rushing the story a bit. The first chapter, and BAM!, you throw the conflict towards the reader. Even if this IS the prologue, though, you should add more about the character in the following chapters. I, personally, would like to find out more about the character and her back story. She's a dancer, obviously. She wanted to get into a dancing school or something of the sort that requires an audition, judging from the phone call with the man/woman. But what type? Ballet? How long has she been dancing? All of that. I just don't want the story to be rushed, because I feel it is.

3.) This isn't really criticism, but I would still like to say it. This is directed towards the parts before the flashback and the character attempting to walk. I would like to hear more of her thoughts. How she's feeling about this? I mean, you included that, but more would've been nice. Or maybe you're doing that to make it sound more mysterious and have the reader guessing for what's going to happen at the end. This is mostly my opinion, anyway, but you don't have to take it. I lean more towards detail when I write and I mostly prefer detailed writing, which is why I wrote this. It's the writer's preference, though, not the reader's.

I want to read more of this, though. I actually have written something similar to this about a ballet dancer getting into an accident that cut off usage in her legs, but I don't want to post it for fear I might be accused of copying your idea. I doubt I will continue it, though. I think the idea is a bit cliched and overused, to be honest. Not EXACTLY the idea of a dancer getting into an accident, but something in that general form. I'm not saying anything against your writing, though. Go for it if you want; I'm not stopping you. :)

Thanks *nods* all of your criticism is good. I can see where you're coming from. I kind of just wrote something, so I know I need to add more and all that :) I probably won't finish this because I'm mr really sure where to go with it, but I just figured if I write something, it's better than nothing. Thanks, I'll try to make revisions and post them later but I'm not 100% sure I'll continue with it