A Plethora of Pens, Paper, and Purpose discussion

So, I'll write stuff and post them here.

I don't have a name for what I am currently working on but if you have one, feel free to tell me. Next to what 'part' it is, it will say the title of the part.


Every 10 parts, I will go back and make corrections to the past 10 parts, and a new part will come at least once a day.

Characters

Felicia (view spoiler)[

    Felicia Kotsey

"Life is not a problem to be solved,
but a reality to be experienced"

Age        Gender        Eye Color
15          Female         Hazel

Hair Color      Hair Style
Chocolate       Loose braids

Qualities
Courageous
Caring
Sentimental
Unique
Reliant

(hide spoiler)]

Bethany (view spoiler)[

    Bethany Kotsey

                        "Be so good
                 they can't ignore you"

Age        Gender        Eye Color
17          Female         Hazel

Hair Color      Hair Style
Light brown     Let down

Qualities
Courageous
Caring
Loyal
Valiant
Shy

(hide spoiler)]

Hope you enjoy!

         １２/３１/１４

Part 1      Fuck You Felicia

"Fuck you Felicia". There it was, my last friend to leave me. Now I was friendless. Officially. Most of my friendships had started in 5th grade (and therefore lasted 4 years), but that was because I was normal and popular. Put in the beginning of ninth grade, all my status plummeted. Because I wasn't normal. But anyway, my problems started in ninth grade. I started to become a 'weirdo'. Every time I did anything, something bad would happen. I was a 'bad luck charm'. So people stopped inviting me to things. I became the outsider. Eventually people just kicked me off everything I had worked for.

"Fuck you too Alice" I replied back but Alice was long gone. I walked on the grassy field of our campus by myself (first time in a while) and was starting to compensate what was going on. But the thing was, I didn't know. How can you deal with something you don't know about. Why bad luck followed me everywhere. Why I had random spurts of energy when I complained that I was tired. I didn't know the answer to those questions, but I did know one thing. I was alone.

         １２/３１/１４

Part 2      Get out Bethany

So there I was, friendless, lifeless, without anything I wanted. What was wrong with me? I tried to take it all in. Was I going mad? I got into my violet beanbag and tried reading my favorite book, Timeless, but I couldn't see. The tears has started flowing. Gently at first, then violent. I was sobbing uncontrollably. Of course, my sister had to hear me, so she barged into my doors. "Felicia, what is going on?". I rolled my eyes. "Nothing." I said calmly. "Are you sure?" she asked. "Yes, now get out of my room Bethany" I said not as calmly.

"No." Beth said back. I nearly fainted. This never happened, although she was in 11th grade, she usually would look out for me, and do as I said. But this time, it was different."I know what you're going through" she said. "No yo-" But I stopped myself. She actually might understand me. When she was in 9th grade, her door was always closed and at least one of my parents were in there and there was usually loud sobbing. I let down my guard. "Fine, talk to me" I said.

         １/１/１５

Part 3      Off to the academy

Bethany sat down on my bed. She took a deep breath. "I don't know how to make this not seem crazy" she laughed nervously. I stared down at the intricate patterns of the carpet. "You," she said, "You have magical capabilities". Wait what? "So I'm a magician?" I asked. Bethany thought about that for a moment, "In a way, but none of it's fake. It's all real. When you get to the age of 14 or 15, those with magical capabilities usually start showing signs of what their power is. Mine happens to be cursing, basically, I can curse someone with, you know, a curse." I laughed. "Pretty dark" she said. I was actually taking this in pretty well. All the random signs that seemed weird about my sister were making sense.

"What about mom and dad?" I asked. "Mom was a wizard, dad was not." she said. "Anymore questions?". I thought, "What are my powers? How am I going to train them?" Those were my only questions left. "I don't know yet, and power, singular" she corrected "it is rare for someone to have two or more powers. And the Academy will help you train your powers." That raised a new question, "But you were never gone, so how did you train your powers?" I asked. "Mom helped me," she said. "She wanted to wait until you showed signs of powers, if you did, until she sent us both to the Academy". "When are we leaving?" I asked. "Now," Beth smiled. "Mom packed our bags already because her power is transporting." She answered my question before I could ask it, wow, she did know me pretty well. "Mom will transport us there, you ready?" I took a deep breath. "Yes" I said. Five minutes later, we were at the grand oak doors of the Faefana Academy for Gifted Children.

         １/１/１５

Part 3      Off to the academy (Modified)

Bethany sat down on my bed. She took a deep breath. "I don't know how to make this not seem crazy" she laughed nervously. I stared down at the intricate patterns of the carpet. "You," she said, "You have magical capabilities". Wait what? "So I'm a magician?" I asked. Bethany thought about that for a moment, "In a way, but none of it's fake. It's all real. When you get to the age of 14 or 15, those with magical capabilities usually start showing signs of what their power is. Mine happens to be cursing, basically, I can curse someone with, you know, a curse." I laughed. "Pretty dark" she said. I was actually taking this in pretty well. All the random signs that seemed weird about my sister were making sense.

“Also,” Beth said. “There’s something I need to tell you”. I was scared for what was to come next. “What?” I asked. “Well,” she paused. “I was the one who killed Will.” I started to sob again right after I had stop. Will was my brother and I was always looking out for him and when I was in 7th grade, and he was in 5th grade, he suddenly passed out and was dead. My parents said it was a heart attack but now… I lunged on her. “You what?!?” I was kicking and screaming and crying, but she managed to defend herself. She waited for me to calm down before explaining. “Two years ago, just when I was learning how to use my powers, Will was really annoying me, so I pretended to curse him so that every time he spoke, bees would come out of his mouth.” I was still crying but was starting to calm down. “I forgot that my curses came true and he tried speaking, and bees came out of his mouth. I swear, it was an accident” I was calm, but still mad at Beth for killing our only brother.

After we made up, and I was calm, I asked, "What about mom and dad, did they have magic?". "Mom was a wizard, dad was not." she said. "Anymore questions?". I thought, "What are my powers? How am I going to train them?" Those were my only questions left. "I don't know yet, and power, singular" she corrected "it is rare for someone to have two or more powers. And the Academy will help you train your powers." That raised a new question, "But you were never gone, so how did you train your powers?" I asked. "Mom helped me," she said. "She wanted to wait until you showed signs of powers, if you did, until she sent us both to the Academy". "When are we leaving?" I asked. "Now," Beth smiled. "Mom packed our bags already because her power is transporting." She answered my question before I could ask it, wow, she did know me pretty well. "Mom will transport us there, you ready?" I took a deep breath. "Yes" I said. Five minutes later, we were at the grand oak doors of the Faefana Academy for Gifted Children.

         １/１/１５

Part 4      Headmaster Itsuki

Me and Bethany squeezed each others hands and walked through the oak doors. A grand and beautiful mess hall awaited us. Hundreds, no thousands, of children were eating their lunch as we entered. The man who seemed to be the Headmaster, for he was sitting in the middle seat at the staff table. He was wearing a deep purple robe and his grey beard stretched all the way to the floor as well as his hair. He looked kind of like a sensei, Korean or Japanese maybe. The headmaster waved us over. A few students turned to look at us while others were eating or using their magical abilities to play with their food.

Beth, thankfully, did the talking. “Hello sir, we’re new here” she said. “I was not aware of this arrival, which of your parents had magical capabilities?” the man said. “Our mom, Lily Peterson” Bethany said. “Lily, she was quite a fine classmate,” Wait. So my mom, who looks really young, and this man, who looks really old, were in the same class together? What? “My name is Itsuki Wantanabe, but you can call me the Headmaster. You are?” He asked us. “My name is Felicia Kotsey” I shook his hand. “And I am Bethany Kosey”. She shook the Headmaster’s hand.

Headmaster started to explain the Academy. “Right now, the students are eating lunch, and then they will go back to their dorms for rest hour and then they will have their classes again. I should probably prepare you a schedule.” All of a sudden, I saw a white schedule in my head. At the top it read, This is the Headmaster, I have the ability to send things to you with my mind. Here is your schedule. I read my schedule a few times. 1st block was Learning About Your Power, 2nd block was Controlling Your Power, 3rd block was Using Your Mind, 4th was Rest Hour, 5th was Study of Magical Things, 6th was History of Magic, 7th was Using Magic Around Others, finally, 8th was Dangers of Magic.

“Each block is one hour, starting with breakfast from 9 AM-10 AM before 1st block. In between blocks 3 and 4 is lunch and in between blocks 7 and 8 is dinner. After block 8 you are free to do whatever until 10 PM which is curfew. Anyone caught up past curfew will be punished. Also, blocks one and 2 depend on your skill level. Any questions?” For once, I had none. “Then let me show you to your dorms, you will be sharing one until you are more comfortable with your surroundings.” At least I would be with Beth for a while. “You will be sharing your dorms with two other girls, right this way.”

Excuse my bad criticism; I tried.

Overall, this is good writing, despite a few mistakes I found here and there. But, it is intriguing and interesting to read, and I would like to find out more about what happens later in the story. I would also like to find out how Bethany and Felicia are going to develop as wizards and overall, as a person/character.

Here are the most salient things that I would like to point out to you and my advice on how to fix it, but it's your choice on whether to take my criticism and advice or not. As I said before on my writing thread, the writer is the person in control of the story and s/he decides on what to do with his/her story, regardless of what others say about it. I mean, you should fix it if it's something bad, but you know what I mean.

1.) This is just my opinion, but I feel as if the transition between Felicia breaking her friendship with her best friend, Alice, and finding out she's a wizard was a bit a rushed. Honestly, I would've liked to find out more about Felicia and how she was a 'bad luck charm', as she describes herself. As far as my understanding of it is, Felicia's a bad luck charm because she can't control her powers and that leads to her accidentally doing bad things sometimes. That part is obvious after I found out she was a wizard (and after Bethany admitted to killing Will), but still, I would've liked to know more about Felicia before she found out she was a wizard. Maybe events that occurred between Alice and her that contributed and eventually built up to their friendship breakup.

2.) Another thing that bothered me: The way Bethany told Felicia that she killed Will was a bit unrealistic. I don't know; she just seemed really nonchalant and indifferent about it.

"Also, there's something I need to tell you."

It sounds emotionless. It doesn't sound serious.

This is a good place for you to add a few details; maybe like:

Beth's voice shifted to a quiet, serious tone. She averted her gaze towards the floor, as if she didn't want to face me directly.

She took a deep breath, shuddering as she did so. "There's something I need to tell you, Felicia."

That shows that Bethany feels remorse and regret for killing Will. The way she told Felicia didn't really show that Bethany cared much about killing Will. I think the way she addressed the matter with Felicia could've been more serious. If I killed my brother accidentally by magic and had to tell my younger sister about it, I wouldn't just tell her the way Bethany did. Surely, she feels guilty about losing her temper so quickly and killing Will, right? Something that bothered me a bit, too, was this part:

I was calm, but still mad at Beth for killing our only brother.

I don't really think 'mad' would be adequate enough to describe how Felicia feels about Bethany killing their brother. It just sounds misplaced.

3.) Once more, I feel as if the transition between Felicia finding out she's a wizard and going to the Academy is rushed. I'm sure Felicia would be going through some sort of conflict with herself about being whisked away to a strange 'Academy' by her sister, especially after finding out she was a wizard and that her sister killed her brother. Besides, I find it hard to believe that Felicia accepted her heritage so quickly. Yes, Felicia said she was taking the information pretty well, but I don't really believe she can stay that calm for such a long period of time. Or maybe Felicia would want to talk to her mom, Lily, about the whole situation. Her mom is, after all, the experienced one.

4.)There's a few grammatical mistakes in the chapters. A more noticeable one was with your dialogue and quotations: Sometimes you added an unnecessary period after closing the dialogue off, or sometimes you didn't punctuate the dialogue inside of the quotations.

Thank you for your feedback. I was also thinking about those rough transitions and I'll probably change them eventually, I just want to get through the main plot, and I'll then have a revised version.

Ah, that's probably the best thing to do. :)

if you don't mind me, I'm going to tidy up the criticism I gave up there to make it more neat and organized. XD

Ok, that's fine :P

         １/２/１５

Part 5      Delila and Moira

The Headmaster showed us to our dorms. Outside our dorms waiting for us were two pretty girls. He pointed to one of them. “This is Delila Archibald. Her family, and herself, specialize in the art of pyrokinesis.” So she was a fire mage, interesting. As long as she didn’t burn down the dorm I was good. “This here, is Moira White. She has the power of discord” he lowered his voice to a whisper so only Beth and I could hear, “you better watch out, she’s dangerous” He raised his voice back up again. “Well, enjoy yourselves” With a flick of cloak, he was walking down the hallway to attend other matters.

“I’m Bethany Kotsey,” Beth said. Moira stared her down as if reading everything she contained. “I’m Felicia Kotsey” I said. Moira continues to stare at Bethany. There was silence. “What are your powers?” Delila asked to break the silence. “I don’t know actually” I said. “But she had symptoms” Beth added in, “I can curse people.” There was another pause. “Well, let’s get inside” Delila said, “By the way, you can call me Lila”.

We walked into the bedroom. There were six beds total, a bunk bed on the left wall, a bunk bed on the right wall, and a bunk bed on the back wall. The front wall was for dressers. The bathroom was attached to the right wall. On the right wall bottom bunk, there was stuff laying out. Moira caught me looking, “That’s my stuff,” she said “Touch it and you’re gone. No one can sleep over my bunk so you’ll either be under Lila or in the back wall by yourself.” It was clear who was in charge here. We chose the back wall.

Everytime a new character is introduced (most of the time/more important characters) I'll but them up on post one so you know what they look like.

Also, I'll post announcements about my story up on the first post as well, so be sure to check there daily!

         １/３/１５

Part 6      Top Dog of the Dorm

I got into the top bunk because that was what Moira and Lila were doing, lying down. Once again, a silence rose around the room. “Is it always like this?” I asked. Lila nodded. Guess so. “What block do you have next?” Lila asked 5 minutes later. I pulled up the schedule in my mind. “Ummm” I checked it. “I have Study of Magical Things. So does Beth”. Moira emitted a sarcastic woop. “I have that too. Yay, another hour with you guys.” She said in an even more sarcastic voice.

“How much time do we have left of Rest Hour?” She asked Lila. “30 minutes” Lila replied. “Bathroom is mine until bell rings” Bethany looked like she was going to say something, but she closed her mouth. After the door slammed, Beth asked, “Is she always like that?” Delila nodded. “I keep time for her, I am basically her nannie.” You could tell Lila was starting to get annoyed. “I am sick of doing all of her bidding and getting pushed around!” She threw a book.

She started sobbing. I looked at Bethany, were we going to do? We tried to comfort her. After 10 or 15 minutes, she calmed down. “I’m sorry about that,” Lila said. “It’s just that there is so much discord in this room because of Moira.” That part was true. I was feeling random hatred towards Lila and Beth for random reasons. We were silent. Seconds later, the bathroom door clicked and Moira came out smiling smugly. She probably knew what had happened and it had been her fault! Now I was mad. The bell rang. “Well, let’s get to class.” Moira said.