Reviews and feedback for self-published/indie authors - fiction discussion

The book blurb (what’s on your back cover) is one of the most important factors that get readers to try/buy your book.

Post your blurb here to get some feedback from group members.

When giving feedback for a book blurb, try to comment on its clarity and how compelling it is.

Meet Me In Maine (Book One of The Blue Harbor Series)

Elizabeth Reading and Scarlett Harding travel from New York City to Blue Harbor, Maine, hoping to purchase a bed-and-breakfast in a peaceful town, but what they discover is much more sinister.

After settling into an apartment building and unpacking, Elizabeth and Scarlett visit a local ice cream parlor. As they approach the counter to order, a man rushes through the doorway, clutching his throat and dying in a pool of blood at Elizabeth's feet. When the police arrive, Elizabeth stares at the dashing, blue-eyed David throwing questions at her, stunned that she agreed to a date with him a few hours ago.

When they return to the apartment and Elizabeth begins to pack her bags to leave Blue Harbor, Scarlett pleads with her to keep the appointment at the inn. The next day, they fall in love with the quaint inn and eventually sign the papers, despite Elizabeth's misgivings about the death a day earlier.

After they move into the bed-and-breakfast, they hear of residents dying under unusual circumstances and rumors of a curse placed by the Penobscot Indians on the descendants of the town's original settlers. On their first weekend as innkeepers, a violent storm hits, and two guests are slashed to death in their beds. Then the lights go out.

Will Elizabeth and Scarlett sell the inn or stay and fight the curse alongside their new friends as bodies fall around them?

The Diamond Head Deception
catchphrase: "A diamond is forever, but so is fraud."

The K-Frost Caper
catchphrase: "When is the last time anyone saw "Frost"...in Miami?

The Steel Deal
catchphrase: "Sentient Steel is to die for ... and kill for."

Hey Susanne, this book definitely sounds interesting. I do think the blurb is a little too long. With so many details, it’s hard to keep track of everything. I think you could reduce this to 2 paragraphs and make it much more compelling by not revealing too much. Below, I’ve just copied your blurb but cut out the middle parts and rearranged a bit to illustrate what I mean:

Elizabeth Reading and Scarlett Harding travel to Blue Harbor, Maine, hoping to purchase a bed-and-breakfast in a peaceful town. After settling in, they visit a local ice cream parlor where a man dies in a pool of blood at Elizabeth's feet. Elizabeth packs her bags to leave, but Scarlett pleads with her to keep the appointment at the inn. The next day, they fall in love with the quaint inn and sign the papers, despite Elizabeth's misgivings.

After they move in, they hear rumors of a curse. And of residents dying in unusual circumstances. On their first weekend as innkeepers, a violent storm hits. Two guests are slashed to death in their beds. As Elizabeth and Scarlett struggle to survive, they search for answers to the growing pile of bodies, but what they discover is much more sinister…

Susanne wrote: "Meet Me In Maine (Book One of The Blue Harbor Series)

Elizabeth Reading and Scarlett Harding travel from New York City to Blue Harbor, Maine, hoping to purchase a bed-and-breakfast in a peaceful t..."

Greetings, Susanne. Here is my suggestion (a more cinematic take):

It’s been said that some of the most terrifying things happen in the most peaceful settings.

Blue Harbor, Maine: A quiet, peaceful community. The perfect place for transplants Elizabeth Reading and Scarlett Harding to set up their dream bed-and-breakfast inn. That is, if they live that long.

A man suddenly collapses publicly in a pool of blood in front of Elizabeth. Reluctantly, she stays and sets up shop with Scarlett. But tales of a fatal curse soon grip the two new innkeepers; add to that, a powerful storm blows through and may be responsible for two guests’ grisly deaths. Or, is the storm’s commotion the perfect cover for an unseen force to prey on Elizabeth and Scarlett’s fears and perhaps their lives?

Find out the shocking truth, as the body count climbs, in the chilling debut to “The Blue Harbor Series” Meet Me In Maine.

Eric wrote: "Hey Susanne, this book definitely sounds interesting. I do think the blurb is a little too long. With so many details, it's hard to keep track of everything. I think you could reduce this to 2 para..."

Thank you, Eric. I agree shorter is better.

James wrote: "Susanne wrote: "Meet Me In Maine (Book One of The Blue Harbor Series)

Elizabeth Reading and Scarlett Harding travel from New York City to Blue Harbor, Maine, hoping to purchase a bed-and-breakfast..."

Wow, James. I knew my blurb could sound more intriguing, but this version is compelling. Thank you so much.

James wrote: "

After putting Iowa crop insurance cheats out to pasture, independent insurance fraud investigator Luna Nightcrow heads to Hawaii, but not for a vaca..."

I had to read the first two sentences a few times to understand what was happening. If you reversed the order of the sentences, it might be clearer.

The Shilpa, an Indian ocean liner, sinks, and independent insurance fraud investigator Luna Nightcrow heads to Hawaii to determine if it still carries the "Pacific Splendor," a rare diamond insured for $15 million. The trouble is that Luna's not the only one looking for the diamond, and secessionists, sportsmen, and others might sink to any depths to recover the Pacific Splendor.

Action, mystery, and romance abound as Luna dares to look around.

Susanne wrote: "James wrote: "

After putting Iowa crop insurance cheats out to pasture, independent insurance fraud investigator Luna Nightcrow heads to Hawaii, but ..."

Greetings, Susanne.

Much obliged for your perceptive copy editing clarity. Yes, your version does make more sense … for Luna’s main diamond deep dive. However, the tongue in cheek opening was a nod to my days as an assistant federal crop insurance underwriter. Mentioning it (in the blurb) as Luna’s opening case snagged many initial sales from those in the biz (to see how I portrayed it) and those curious to learn a bit more about what’s largely a peculiar brand of insurance.

So the crop insurance part of the blurb was a clunky, but calculated, hook that paid off.