Arthur Graham’s Reviews > Statue of Limitations > Status Update
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Arthur Graham
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This story begins with a man, a dream, and a statue. Or maybe it’s a man, a garbage fire, and an unfortunate problem.
— Feb 04, 2026 09:13AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 120 of 121
I’m asleep in the dining room of a Church’s Chicken, and my face is stuck to the table.
— Feb 04, 2026 09:12AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 119 of 121
The Ambien warning label is now required to have verbiage saying that in some rare cases, you may fly an AH-64D Apache Longbow attack helicopter and fire AGR-20A Advanced Precision Kill Weapon System precision-guided munitions at ground targets in your sleep, and you should talk to your doctor immediately if this happens.
— Feb 04, 2026 08:37AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 118 of 121
I think that Jedi perfectly summed up the end of childhood for me.
— Feb 04, 2026 08:16AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 117 of 121
David Lee Roth let Eddie Van Halen play keyboards once. What the fuck does he know about nutrition? I saw a picture of him recently and he looks like the fucking crypt keeper. Maybe if it was a breakfast of brown M&M’s and cocaine, he would know full details on it.
— Feb 03, 2026 05:05PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 116 of 121
“Let’s get us some fuckin’ pannycakes!” Freddy kicked me in the back with his velcro Keds while I tried to sleep on the floor of the Satanic man-cave room in his mom’s basement. Spending the night at Freddy’s was always the worst possible scenario.
— Feb 02, 2026 05:40PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 114 of 121
We’re all time travelers, moving one second into the future every second.
— Feb 02, 2026 02:45PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 98 of 121
One time, I ran into Iggy Pop at a Chipotle in Orem, Utah. He had a “black card” from Chipotle corporate, which gave him unlimited everything at any Chipotle restaurant. I guess they used a quote from the song “I Wanna Be Your Dog” on the side of a drink cup, and he got paid with free Chipotle for life.
— Feb 01, 2026 06:19AM
Arthur Graham
is on page 93 of 121
Me and Virgil cruised the mini-marts in a hundred-mile radius in his beaten-up jeep, looking for the one magical gas station that might still have Surge soda. (This was after the supply had run out, but long before they briefly rebooted it.) That fully-loaded citrus elixir, a magic mix of caffeine and terror, propelled me through life for years before suddenly vanishing from most stores.
— Jan 19, 2026 07:12PM
Arthur Graham
is on page 88 of 121
Peggy was just a friend, and despite telling me “we’re just friends and I’d never fuck you” like six times an hour for our entire friendship, she wrote me a giant letter ten years later saying she totally wanted to fuck me and was constantly giving me the green light, and I was a fucking idiot for never picking it up,
— Jan 19, 2026 06:03PM
• A hipster who looks like Timothy McVeigh in a tie-dye shirt telling two girls at a pretzel stand that heused to load nuclear weapons onto Huey Cobra choppers in the Army. The Army hasn’t flown the Huey since before he was born, and they never carried nuclear bombs. This does not get him laid as planned.
• The weatherman on the Channel 5 news brings a live alligator to his weather report because he’s a huge University of Florida fan, and it bites off his arm on live TV.
• The town starts a large marketing campaign (TV and newspaper ads, social media posts, press conferences) announcing that due to budgetary cuts, all active shooter incidents must happen between 10:00 AM and 2:00 PM Monday through Friday.
• Criterion announces a three-DVD Criterion Edition release of The Jerky Boys: The Movie, with a commentary track by Noam Chomsky and Tom Brokaw. It only sells five copies, and three of them were bought by Brokaw.
• The price of gas goes up to over ten dollars a gallon. It’s later found out that two of the leading manufacturers of gas pumps manipulated prices to make four-digit fuel price displays obsolete and force gas stations to buy new signs.
• Omaha Steaks announces a meat-based meat substitute for people who don’t want to eat vegetables but want to use a reconstituted meat-like product to make their friends think they care about the environment.
• The gun industry’s lobbyists manage to ban all protective regulations from swimming pools, so more children will die of swimming pool-related accidents than handguns.
• Microsoft buys a space rocket company that launches 4000 web servers to run autonomously on the surface of Mars, so they can legally say that Bing is the best search engine on the planet, but not specify which planet.
• The President of the American Girl Dolls corporation goes on the Geraldo show and says the company is releasing a communist state of Democratic Kampuchea doll, because the company fully supports the Pol Pot Cambodian regime. Geraldo is not wearing a shirt and has a .45 pistol strapped to his thigh. The two-hour special is sponsored by Quizno Subs.
• The year’s most popular porn video is a portly naked woman in a motel, riding a Sybian sex toy and playing a Nuno Betancourt double-neck guitar. It was filmed on a VHS-C camcorder, and had “12:00 1/1/80” flashing in the lower corner. The motel has an oil painting on the wall of Pope John Paul riding a jet ski in heaven, surrounded by dolphins. Ten minutes into the video, a guy appears, sporting the top gun spiked haircut and a pair of Oakley’s. He starts talking about Otis Spunkmeyer baked goods then has a fatal aneurysm.
• Until they offer cream cheese as a topping, Wetzel’s Pretzel is an inferior mall pretzel experience.