Maggie Lamond Simone > Quotes

“Let me begin by saying that no, I am not crazy. I had no intention of initiating this little trauma with one child while giving birth to another. In fact, I was thinking middle school was probably a good target for the whole process. But he, apparently, had other plans.
"I go potty!" he said. We were standing at the sink brushing our teeth.
"What?" I asked, looking around to see if there was someone else in the room.
"I go potty!" he said again. He got down from his little stepstool and stood adamantly before the toilet.
"Well, OK, little guy," I replied, hesitantly, "I mean, sure, if that's what you want to do . . . "
I certainly couldn't discourage him without being the focus of therapy for years to come. And besides, what kind of mother says, "No, honey, I'd really rather you stayed in diapers until you're old enough to date"? I dutifully took off his diaper and pants, popped in his little potty seat, and lifted him up.
"All done!" he squealed with delight.
"What?" I practically screamed. "What do you mean, all done? You haven't been up there ten seconds!"
"All done!" he said again, and started to hop down. He stood there in the middle of the bathroom, looking very proud of himself, and proceeded to pee on the floor. OK, I said to myself. It's just going to take some time.
"Good job, honey! Nice try! We'll get 'em next time!" I said cheerfully. I then put a clean diaper on him, put his pants back on, cleaned up the floor, and started down the stairs.
"I go potty!" he called after me. "I go potty again!”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, From Beer to Maternity

“I was going through The Box the other day, the one that's moved with me since college containing all of my important stuff, and I found some old letters and cards from relationships gone by. As I read them I got all misty and nostalgic, and suddenly I realized something for the first time in the month I've been married.
I can no longer date.
I shared this revelation with my husband, asking, "Did you know this? That you can't date anyone else? Ever? For the rest of your life?" He laughed and replied, "Well, yes, I did." He paused. "You didn't?"
"Of course I did . . . theoretically," I said, " but I guess the reality didn't hit me until now. I mean, our vows didn't specifically say 'No More Dating Other People.'"
He kind of glared at me this time. "It's implied."
OK, fine. I don't want to date anyone else anyway. It's just hard sometimes to let go of the past, and the older I get, the more past I have to let go of. But since I've always found it helpful to bare my soul to complete strangers, I will take this opportunity to give my deceased dating life a decent burial.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, From Beer to Maternity

“Cats, don't just stand there looking at the litter box. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the kids years ago about diapers. If you're aware enough to know there's poop in there, then it's time to start changing it yourselves.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, Posted: Parenting, Pets and Menopause, One Status Update At a Time

“One such cut on my skinny six-year-old leg began healing with a scab that was hard and crusty over the broken skin. As I ran my fingers over it one night, I suddenly felt the need to pick it off, and I did. The pain was momentarily excruciating, then settled into a dull stabbing where it was bleeding again. The part of me that was mortified at what I had done was soon stomped into submission by another part of me – a part that longed to reproduce that momentary excruciating pain again and again. I was slightly disturbed by this turn of events, and way too embarrassed to tell my mother. So I didn’t, for about 40 years.

It was the first of many such secrets I learned to keep.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, Body Punishment: OCD, Addiction, and Finding the Courage to Heal

“I just realized that when all is said and done, I will have spent half my life hating my red hair and the other half trying to match it exactly.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, Posted: Parenting, Pets and Menopause, One Status Update At a Time

“In the 15 years since its inception, the column has documented my days of being single and alone for the first time, reentering the dating world as a sober person, dating, getting engaged, getting married, getting pregnant, having kids, and finding my life again after all of that. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes not. Sometimes the not-so-funny things are important too.
What it is, though, is honest. My column has allowed me to show people – at whatever stage they’re at in life – that they don’t have to be perfect to be OK. There are no books on “What to Expect When Your Boyfriend Leaves You For His High School Crush,” or “What to Expect When Your Child Takes a Year to Potty Train.” But that doesn’t mean people don’t need to know that this stuff happens.
And more importantly, that they can survive when it does. Sometimes even laughing.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, From Beer to Maternity

“On the way home from the store the girl said she's afraid to fly over the ocean for our impending Europe trip. I said, "Honey, your chances are much better of getting killed in a car crash than a plane crash." She looked around the car and started crying, and the boy said, "Really, mom? That was the best you could do?" Consoling mommy: fail.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone

“Just for kicks, I measured out 2/3 cup of Special K cereal, which is the suggested serving size, and am speechless. Do they think I'm an idiot? Of COURSE I'd lose weight if I only ate that much! It's like a teaspoonful! It's probably a third of what I usually - oh, wait. I get it. Never mind.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, Posted: Parenting, Pets and Menopause, One Status Update At a Time

“My body has a mind of its own. Apparently it thinks that “new year” is synonymous with “exercise program,” and has been attempting to coerce me into one. Right. Like shifting from one side of the couch to the other isn’t work.
“Hey! What about ME?” it asked. “Hello! Down here! The attachment to your neck that is beginning to resemble a marshmallow? Remember? When are we going to join a gym? A girl your age has a lot more than just a reputation to uphold, you know - your butt springs to mind! So when’s it going to be? Huh? Huh?”
“Hmmm,” I answered thoughtfully. “How about never? Is never good for you?”
“Yeah, ya big coward. That’s the thanks I get for silently squeezing into those jeans all these months? I knew you were a weenie.”
“I have a black belt, I’ll have you know!” I retorted. “You might want to show a little respect! There was a day when the only ripples on my body were the ones defining my abdomen!”
“‘Ooh, look at me, I’m a martial artist!’ Well, Jean-Claude Van Flab, let’s invite reality in for some tea, shall we? That day was FOUR YEARS AGO. Those laurels you’re resting on are becoming a little more than figurative. People are gonna start calling you ‘Baggie’!”
“My, but you’ve gotten cocky in your old age,” I responded, “considering I’M STILL THE BOSS. I own you. You’re mine.”
“Gee, boss, I hate to shatter your delusions of adequacy,” it shot back, “but your employee is revolting - and you can take THAT any way you want.”
I looked down and sighed. It had a point.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, From Beer to Maternity

“Not unlike alcoholism, the cycle of OCD continues in solitude and isolation … Even in therapy it never occurred to me to talk about plucking out my eyelashes and eyebrows. Not once did I bring it up – not once did it occur to me bring it up, the shame was so deep and ingrained. Fortunately, over the years alcoholism has gotten more and more screen time and does not carry quite the cloak of shame it once did. You won’t necessarily find us shouting it from the rooftops, but then again there are support groups in high schools these days. Hopefully OCD will one day find a similar degree of understanding in the general audience, because that understanding and dialogue are what we need to break not necessarily the cycle of repetitive behavior - because sometimes we can and sometimes we can’t - but to break the cycle of shame. Because I can tell you from experience . . . the shame is a killer.”
― Maggie Lamond Simone, Body Punishment: OCD, Addiction, and Finding the Courage to Heal