Rokelle Lerner > Quotes

“narcissists sense that their partner will inevitably see how inadequate they are and leave for someone else. Rather than wait for that reality, they’d rather control the inevitability and leave first.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“When our boundaries are intact, we know that we have separate feelings, thoughts, and realities. Our boundaries allow us to know who we are in relation to others around us. We need our boundaries to get close to others, since otherwise we would be overwhelmed. Boundaries ensure that our behavior is appropriate and keep us from offending others. When we have healthy boundaries, we also know when we are being abused. A person without boundaries will not know when someone is physically, emotionally, or intellectually violating them.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Boundaries for Codependents: Hazelden Classics for Families

“You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.” —GERMAINE GREER”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“To let go is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.   To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future. To let go is to fear less and love myself more.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“When we feel incapable of making the situation better, we go into hiding. Out of hopelessness and despair, we become convinced that any opportunity for a meaningful interaction with our beloved is impossible and we lose the ability to reach out.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“I will not carry the heavy baggage of hurt and disappointment with me into this new year. I will forgive myself for the pain I have caused myself and others. I will forgive others for having caused me pain. On this day of new beginnings, I will begin a new life.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Affirmations for the Inner Child

“PERSONAL BILL OF RIGHTS FOR MY RELATIONSHIPS 1. I have a right to be treated with courtesy and respect. 2. I have a right to be the only romantic or sexual interest in my partner’s life. 3. I have a right to be informed about our assets, manage my own finances, and choose how I spend my money. 4. I have a right to have a say in decisions that affect myself and my family. 5. I have a right to be wrong and make mistakes without being punished or humiliated. 6. I have the right to live without emotional or physical violence. 7. I have the right to voice my opinion respectfully without retribution. 8. I have the right to have my personal property treated with respect. 9. I have the right to talk to others about matters that affect me. 10. I have the right to choose my own friends. 11. I have the right to enjoy myself. 12. I have the right to live without guns or pornography in my house. 13. My children have the right to be treated with respect and dignity. (Adapted from Cooper & Cooper, 2008)”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“Realizing that their parents can’t tolerate anger, sadness, or pain, they learn to ignore and deny those feelings, according to Alice Miller, author of The Drama of the Gifted Child. Expressing these emotions means risking Mom’s love or making Dad sick. The emotions become enemies, and are numbed or feared.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Boundaries for Codependents: Hazelden Classics for Families

“Consistency was never a part of my home during my growing years. Thus, as an adult, I have viewed consistency as boring, preferring to add unnecessary drama to my life. As I look back on this chaos, I realize that accountability and consistency are qualities that will add to my comfort and security.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Affirmations for the Inner Child

“When we can’t make sense of the way we are being treated, we wind up distorting our view of ourselves and our relationships.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“Narcissists identify being loved with being possessed, engulfed, and inevitably discarded.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“All we know about ourselves comes from the way people loved us.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“Adults who were victims of emotional abuse must learn to trust their feelings. Feelings provide us with an immense amount of wisdom and information. Uncomfortable feelings that may have been dangerous to express in our original families are no longer dangerous. We have a right to be angry when someone offends us. Our fear protects us and even our pain helps us grow. For example, fear helps us know when we are in danger.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Boundaries for Codependents: Hazelden Classics for Families

“She knows she has treated Jerry cruelly at times, but she’s lost respect for him because, as she states, “He’s always there and just keeps coming back. What is the matter with him?” She’s just met someone more intriguing at her Twelve Step meeting, and after all, Jerry will be much happier without her.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“When children focus on their parents and neglect themselves, they never develop the inner resources that help them to know how to feel, think, or behave in a given situation. This is the essence of codependency and a damaged boundary system.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Boundaries for Codependents: Hazelden Classics for Families

“To let go is not to be in the middle arranging the outcome, but to allow others to affect their own destinies. To let go is not to be protective. It’s to permit another to face reality.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“No one can romance and seduce like a narcissist. If a narcissist sees someone they want, then having “it” becomes a project of massive proportions. This person must be possessed at any cost.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“Unfortunately, however, people don’t change by learning more information. The only way to break a bonding pattern is through honest vulnerability.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“SEPTEMBER 25—RULES I am creating my own rules. My values create the foundation for healthy choices. I am learning the difference between adapting to another’s expectations to feel accepted and experimenting with different rules to find out what fits for me. There are many times in my adulthood when I feel like I never left adolescence. When I encounter different social or professional situations, I become awkward and uncertain. I sometimes feel shameful—thinking that everyone else must know the rules—except me. In my recovery, I am establishing my own values. I have a right to choose work and relationships that complement my values. If I am unsure about the rules in any situation, I can ask questions or form my own. Today I will I create rules that work for me.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Affirmations for the Inner Child

“Nothing is more hated by a narcissist than an expression of intimacy like, “I love you.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“To let go is not to be protective. It’s to permit another to face reality.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“New beginnings don’t start with a flourish of music and a round of applause. They start in small increments. Little by little, you notice yourself feeling slightly happier and sleeping a bit better; a glimmer of optimism begins to return. Step by step, your new life begins.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“Paying attention to her bodily cues would have forced the girl to admit both her fear and her reluctance to let her mother touch her. This pattern of denial, if not stopped, will continue past childhood. As an adult, she may lack the physical boundaries that would protect her from abuse. She will allow herself to be close to people who are not safe. Saddest of all, she won’t even trust her senses to know when abuse is occurring.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Boundaries for Codependents: Hazelden Classics for Families

“To let go is to fear less and love myself more.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“Intellectual boundaries are blurred by parents who too tightly control their children’s perceptions. Often, children who become dependent on their parents to think for them don’t develop intellectual boundaries. This kind of relationship encourages dependency and discourages responsibility.”
― Rokelle Lerner, Boundaries for Codependents: Hazelden Classics for Families

“From the perspective of a narcissist, a person who claims to love them is a fraud, a liar, or blind.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“him”
― Rokelle Lerner, Affirmations for the Inner Child

“I feel renewed and encouraged as I concentrate less on finding the correct answers to my problems and more on how I am treating myself along the way. As I learn to take care of myself, answers will come.”
― Rokelle Lerner

“Never offer him or her friendship. You will be used.”
― Rokelle Lerner, The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists

“hole”
― Rokelle Lerner, Affirmations for the Inner Child