Albert J. Bernstein > Quotes

“In graduate school, I learned this simple distinction: when people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses or psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Life offers a cruel choice: you can be right or happy. Not both. This is true regardless of whom you may be involved with, but it is especially true if there is an emotional vampire in your life.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“When you try to extinguish a tantrum by ignoring it, the first response you always get is called an extinction burst. People will do whatever it is you are trying to ignore louder, longer, and more enthusiastically. This might make you believe that ignoring them isn't working, but what it actually means is that it is.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Don't let a Narcissist, or any other kind of vampire, get away with nonverbal disapproval. Unspoken communication has much more power than mere words because it is ambiguous. If a Narcissist says you did something wrong, you can at least disagree. If he only hints at it, you are left wondering if what you're seeing really means what you think it does, or if the whole thing is somehow your fault, or whatever else you might be imagining. ... Translate rather than pointing the finger. This is the tricky part because it is subtle, but it will make all the difference. An unsubstantiated accusation of an internal state, like, "You're bored," invites defensiveness. A translation, like, "You keep looking at the clock; I'm assuming you're bored," is much harder to deny. A Histrionic might try, but other kinds of vampires will have to concede that they are indeed looking at the clock.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Paranoid vampires don’t understand the concept of trust. They never seem to realize that trust is supposed to be in their own minds, rather than in the actions of other people. Consequently, if you’re close to one of these vampires, you’ll have to re-earn his or her trust every hour on the hour. This is especially true if your relationship is sexual. A Paranoid vampire’s idea of foreplay is 20 minutes of questioning about exactly what you were thinking the last time you made love.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“To be psychologically healthy, we have to believe that what we do has some effect on what happens to us. Even if the perception of control is delusional, it usually leads to more productive action than believing that what we do makes no difference.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic vampires are absolutely shameless in their fantasies about how great they are and how much everybody admires them, or should.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Never answer a why question! You will suddenly discover that the discussion has changed to a critique and defense of your reasons, and your original statement has suddenly changed to a tentative proposition that you will be allowed to keep only if your reasons are good enough. ... The purpose of a why question is never to understand your reasoning, it is to elicit words that can be twisted. If you don't give them, there'll be nothing to twist. Remember, the answer to a why question is an explanation, and explaining always makes angry situations worse.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Emotional Vampires never grow up. Throughout their lives, they see themselves as victims of fate and the unpredictability of others. Stuff happens, and they just respond to it. As a result, they have no opportunity to learn from their mistakes, and they just keep on making the same ones over and over.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“While you're taking your minute to think, consider the possible outcomes. Immediately discard any that involve making the Bully back down and admit that you're right. You cannot be right and effective at the same time.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Histrionics know how to get looked at, but they don’t have a clue about how to look at themselves. They often know less about their own history and motivation than about those of their favorite television characters. Histrionics’ selective memories make their lives into a series of vivid but unconnected events, no more related to one another than the programs broadcast on a given night.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“All vampires use self-hypnosis to avoid seeing themselves as they really are, but Histrionics are virtuosos of self-deception. Like stage magicians, they divert their own awareness away from the strings and wires that hold their personalities together. They simply do not see anything in themselves that they consider inappropriate or unlovable. Their image of themselves is like a series of attractive still photos, scenes from a movie with no overall plot to hold them together.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Know the Impression You Want to Make. You know you’re great, but what, specifically, makes you great? Is it your competence? Your experience? Your creativity? Your diligence and responsibility? Your enthusiastic personality? Or is it all of the above? Whatever you have going for you, you will need to demonstrate those traits in the interview, not just mention them. You can’t do this by waiting for the interviewer to ask you if you are diligent and responsible. You will have to be diligent and responsible in preparing for the interview.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Am I The Only Sane One Working Here?: 101 Solutions for Surviving Office Insanity

“Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for What You Want. “I’d really like a part in the school play. ” Forget about working so hard and doing such a good job that people come to you with opportunities. In the real world, people get very little that they don’t ask for.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Superstars will not give you anything because you deserve it. In their world they are the only ones who deserve anything. They will, however, give a great deal to get something they want. It makes sense, then, to always know what they want and to make Superstars pay for it by giving you what you want.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Entitlement Narcissistic vampires believe they are so special that the rules don’t apply to them. They expect the red carpet to be rolled out for them wherever they go, and if it isn’t, they get quite surly. They don’t wait, they don’t recycle, they don’t pay retail, they don’t stand in line, they don’t clean up after themselves, they don’t let other people get in front of them in traffic, and their income taxes rival great works of fiction. Illness or even death is no excuse for other people not immediately jumping up to meet their needs. They aren’t the least bit ashamed of using other people and systems for their own personal gain. They boast about how they take advantage of just about everybody.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Not only do Histrionics not understand themselves; they don’t have a clue why anyone does anything. Their understanding of psychology and physics is often tinged with magic. They may believe that things happen because of the alignment of stars, the vibrations of crystals, or the intervention of guardian angels. If you suggest otherwise, they’ll just think you’re crazy.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“With no objective support whatsoever, Narcissistic Legends see themselves as more talented and intelligent than other people. They are expert in finding small ponds that will let them be big fish, and extorting Narcissistic supplies from people whose need to be needed is as great as their vampiric need to be adored.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“More than loving themselves, Narcissists are absorbed with themselves. They feel their own desires so acutely that they can’t pay attention to anything else. Imagine their disorder as a pair of binoculars. Narcissists look at their own needs through the magnifying side, and the rest of the cosmos through the side that makes things small to the point of insignificance. It’s not so much that these vampires think they’re better than other people as that they hardly think of other people at all. Unless they need something. Narcissistic need is tremendous. Just as sharks must continually swim to keep from drowning, Narcissists must constantly demonstrate that they are special, or they will sink like stones to the depths of depression. It may look as if they are trying to demonstrate their worth to other people, but their real audience is themselves. Narcissists are experts at showing off. Everything they do is calculated to make the right impression. Conspicuous consumption is for them what religion is for other people. Narcissists pursue the symbols of wealth, status, and power with a fervor that is almost spiritual. They can talk for hours about objects they own, the great things they’ve done or are going to do, and the famous people they hang out with. Often, they exaggerate shamelessly, even when they have plenty of real achievements they could brag about. Nothing is ever enough for them. That’s why Narcissists want you, or at least your adulation. They’ll try so hard to impress you that it’s easy to believe that you’re actually important to them. This can be a fatal mistake; it’s not you they want, only your worship. They’ll suck that out and throw the rest away. To Narcissistic vampires, the objects, the achievements, and the high regard of other people mean nothing in themselves. They are fuel, like water forced across gills so that oxygen can be extracted. The technical term is Narcissistic supplies. If Narcissists don’t constantly demonstrate their specialness to themselves, they drown.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“On the job, the simplest way to protect yourself is to play the role of a boring person who is all work and no fun. When you see a Ham-it-up vampire coming, conspicuously pay attention to the nearest computer screen or spreadsheet. It’s kind of like not making eye contact with a panhandler. If you talk, stick to business. Turn yourself into one of the extras on the set, just doing your job and not worthy of notice. Your primitive brain may be screaming “notice me,” but the rest of you will fare better for not listening. It may take a good deal of effort to stay in character, especially if you are a charming and friendly person yourself. Imagine being one of those stone-faced guards at Buckingham Palace.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“The only way to win respect from Superstars is by driving a hard bargain. If you hang around with these vampires, you have to show them that you’re capable of playing in their league. If you don’t constantly demonstrate that you’re as tough as they are, they’ll just take whatever they want from you and never give anything back at all. With Superstars, there are some battles you don’t want to win. Actually, these are battles you can appear to win but in fact lose. To get you off their case, Superstars may tell you what you want to hear even though they don’t actually feel it. The price for this kind of false deference is their respect. Superstars never feel wrong, they never feel gratitude, they don’t believe other people are entitled to the same rights and privileges as they are, and they seldom see other people’s actions as worthy of spontaneous praise. If you demand any of these indulgences, Superstars will speak whatever words you want to hear and never again give you anything more than lip service. Superstars will formally acknowledge your worthiness at the price of genuine regard. In public, they will say whatever you deem to be politically correct, and laugh in private at your presumptuousness. If they praise you, either they’re trying to sneak up on your Narcissistic side or they’re indicating that you are one of the little people who needs occasional doses of praise to keep going, much as a car has to be filled with gas. Be very careful what you ask of Superstars. They’re famous for taking the best of what people have and giving back only hollow words, worth less than nothing. It’s always up to you to know the difference between inconsequential trinkets and tokens of real respect.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic Superstars and Passive-Aggressive Histrionics are a match made in hell. Each can cause the other to escalate into spasms of self-destruction. If you ever have to deal with Superstar anger, the most important thing to remember is not to respond the way a Passive-Aggressive Histrionic would.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Your goal with Ham-it-up Histrionics is to keep from being drawn into their drama. This is difficult.At first, they’ll treat you as if you were the most wonderful person on earth. They may compare you with other people who have been mean, cruel, unappreciative, unmotivated, or whatever. Let the fact that their world is filled with good guys and bad guys alert you before you step into their fantasy. If you let them down, you can easily be transferred from one group to the other. If you pass up the flattery, you can avoid emotional turmoil later on. Your best bet is to write yourself a role that allows you to stand on the sidelines and just watch the show. Avoid the impulse to become a critic, because sooner or later, that will turn the spotlight on you.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“However much attention you have to give, Histrionics will need it all. They will draw it out of you at first with flattery. They put you in a special category all by yourself. Usually, the last thing you hear before Histrionic vampires start draining away your life force is, “You’re the only person I can talk to.” Ham-it-up Histrionics do have useful talents and abilities. They can be good and entertaining friends and productive workers, especially when the job requires being dramatic and engaging. Histrionics can blossom, but they require as much care as a rare and beautiful orchid. Only you can decide how much a flower is worth.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Most Narcissistic vampires have achievements to back up their high opinion of themselves. Unlike other vampire types who are just as happy to pretend, Narcissists are quite willing to work hard to glorify themselves. In their careers, these vampires are usually focused and goal-directed. Many are workaholics, but unlike Histrionic people pleasers who’ll work themselves half to death for approval and love, Narcissists take on only those tasks that pay off in money, fame, or power.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Superstars create an alternate universe in which they are special, and your success and happiness is contingent upon indulging their every whim. If you work for them, their power over you may be sufficient to turn their alternate universe into the one you have to live in. To make things more confusing, these managerial vampires often create systems that they themselves don’t understand, because they don’t design them. Everything is jury-rigged by employees to compensate for deficiencies in the manager’s personality. There is only one rule in such systems: Humor the boss. Superstar vampires like to spout off about teamwork, empowerment, and flattening the organization, blissfully unaware that when they’re around all real work stops because job number one is entertaining the boss.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Narcissistic Legends are blissfully unaware that anyone could see them as less than perfect. Once the relationship is certain, they stop making an effort. The Narcissist expects other people to be so thrilled by even a little attention that they will happily give anything for the pleasure of associating with such a superior person. Victims do little to discourage the idea. In the beginning, both vampire and victim see each other as bargains. For a while, their relationship seems to be a very sweet deal. Then it slowly goes sour. No matter how hard victims work, Narcissistic Legends feel very little gratitude. They expect their victims to be grateful to them. After a while, even the most caring victims get sick of having their needs ignored. Then they create their own hypnotic bind. Either they keep on giving, and thereby continue to be good but exploited people, or they nag or leave or otherwise act in ways that they themselves consider selfish and hurtful. They can’t win, so most often they do nothing but hurt inside.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Understanding Emotional Vampires’ immaturity is your ultimate weapon. Many of their most outrageous actions would make perfect sense if they were done by a two-year-old. Don’t let vampires’ chronological age or positions of responsibility fool you. They are two-year-olds, at least when they’re acting up. The most successful strategies for dealing with Emotional Vampires are precisely the same ones you’d use on young children—setting limits, arranging contingencies, being consistent, keeping lectures to a bare minimum, rewarding good behavior and ignoring bad, and occasionally putting them in time-out.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Need for Attention Attention is the lifeblood of Histrionics. If they don’t get enough of it, they feel themselves start to shrivel up and die. Histrionics always seek out the most appreciative audience. This tendency can destroy relationships. If anybody flirts with them, Histrionic vampires will usually flirt back, regardless of their intentions. If their bosses and coworkers don’t give them enough attention, these vampires will just go down the hall and get some.Where they go is immaterial to them, but it may play havoc with the chain of command.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry

“Considering themselves is what Narcissists do best. The trait they most conspicuously lack is concern for the needs, thoughts, and feelings of other people.”
― Albert J. Bernstein, Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry