Tom Black > Quotes

“Benjamin Croker. Don’t get many of your lot down here, you know.’ Whether he meant Prime Ministers, KGB agents or Labour Party members was unclear, but all three were equally true. Harold ploughed on.”
― Tom Black, Agent Lavender: The Flight of Harold Wilson

“Do you know why we have a constitution, Sir John? Don’t answer, I am asking a rhetorical question. We have a constitution, of sorts, so that we can stave off revolution by ensuring that the common man feels that he has a government that, even though he may not have voted for it, he can understand why it exists.”
― Tom Black, Agent Lavender: The Flight of Harold Wilson

“Success is not something you own. It's something you rent; and the rent is due every day. When you stop paying rent in success, you start paying the rent for failure.”
― Tom Black

“James Bond’s latest outing, The Spy Who Loved Me, had featured an ill-advised and hastily-written fifth act ‘twist’ whereby the unnamed PM, played by a no-name Yorkshire character actor, had absconded and sought to take ‘State Secrets’ with him to the Russians. Roger Moore had chased him down–improbably, in a speedboat–and seen to it that he would face justice. The critics were calling for the same fate to befall the screenwriters.”
― Tom Black, Agent Lavender: The Flight of Harold Wilson

“But you asked who is in charge - well, the answer is 'the same people as yesterday'.”   “George, David is dead.”   “But the cabinet is still in place - at least for now - and thus the functions of government can continue to exist. On reshuffle days, we sometimes go ten hours without a Home Secretary. We can handle a few without a PM.”   “But”
― Tom Black, 10 Leaders Britain Never Had

“I'll need good Catholic whiskey, a lemon from my daddy's farm and a rail if you want me to explain the politics of a nation where crazed loons yelling at each other from boats along a river is considered a debate and a man who paints slogans on a bus is considered a ground breaking pioneer. I'm beginning to think even the Republicans could win out here.”
― Tom Black, Remain Means Remain

“Cheap jokes at the expense of patriotic Britons have no place in UK academia–we have French academia for that.”
― Tom Black, Remain Means Remain

“Osborne paused. “There is... something else.”

Clegg sighed.

“What?”

“Your Wikipedia page.”

“What? My-”

“It says you're Prime Minister now.”

“Well, it was news to me that I'm not, I can't-”

“Was it one of your staff?”

Silence fell heavily on the room. Clegg tilted his head to one side.

“Are you... what are you...” he began.

“I'm asking because if it was, it could be... serious.”

Another pause. This time, Clegg couldn't help but smile in disbelief.

“Are you going to accuse my staff of a constitutional coup for editing Wikipedia?”
― Tom Black, 10 Leaders Britain Never Had

“There is... something else.” Clegg sighed. “What?” “Your Wikipedia page.” “What? My-”   “It says you're Prime Minister now.”   “Well, it was news to me that I'm not, I can't-”   “Was it one of your staff?”   Silence fell heavily on the room. Clegg tilted his head to one side.   “Are you... what are you...” he began.   “I'm asking because if it was, it could be... serious.”   Another pause. This time, Clegg couldn't help but smile in disbelief.   “Are you going to accuse my staff of a constitutional”
― Tom Black, 10 Leaders Britain Never Had