David Thorne > Quotes

“Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“While I do not have a boyfriend, I do have a friend who is homosexual and I once asked him "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are gay?" to which he replied "Do you ever think about having sex with Rosie O'Donnell because you are straight? Same thing.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism.”
― David Thorne

“In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.”
― David Thorne

“I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out, and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.”
― David Thorne

“Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense.”
― David Thorne

“I do not own any camping gear, but this is not a problem, as I have watched every season of Survivor.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity, and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.”
― David Thorne

“Instead of finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the sidewalk at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident reports 'Cause of accident?' I stated, 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“It is not necessary to attempt a resolution when it is self-resolving.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to e-mail you the remaining eighty-six photos of my dog dressed as a bear?”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“the old man dance, where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music volume, and sit down for a rest.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“The four seasons in Australia consist of "fuck it's hot," "Can you believe how fucking hot it is?", "I won't be in today because it is too fucking hot" and "Yes, the dinner plate size spiders come inside to escape from the heat. That is a fucking whopper though.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“Charity is detrimental unless it helps the recipient become independent of it.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“When you find yourself in a idiotic situation though, the temptation to test how far the idiocy will stretch can be overwhelming.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“I was commissioned to write copy for an annual publication produced by Top Tourist Parks of Australia. After a print run of seventy-five thousand and distribution throughout Australia and New Zealand, it was discovered that I had left the letter v out of the word 'dive' and the introduction for a family beach resort activity read, "Die with your children. A new world awaits.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“Copywriting basically consists of taking something dreadful, putting it in a box with a shiny ribbon, and presenting it to someone. Any disappointment the recipient has upon opening the box is entirely due to their own high expectations and therefore their fault.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“If you had managed to persuade my mother not to procreate, I would not exist to send you the plans for constructing your own time machine in which to travel back in time to persuade my mother not to procreate. Apparently, this is known as a pair of ducks.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Yes, it is. I once asked Holly once how long it would be before she’d start dating again if I died and she said, ‘not for at least three months’. Says a lot really. She’ll probably be downloading Tinder at my funeral.” “I”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“should check the Internet and make sure everything on there is correct.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“that may be a bit of stretch as I’d obviously prefer to play Trivial Pursuit than spend the night in a spider cave or give a hobo a rimjob, but you get the point.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“I actually woke up feeling perfectly fine this morning, but I’m not going to let Holly know that. I like the couch bed. She’s brought me several cups of tea and a cheese & pickle sandwich and I’ve only forgotten to look sad once when she entered the room.”
― David Thorne, Deadlines Don't Care If Janet Doesn't Like Her Photo

“Holly, there's a raccoon on the back deck." "Really? What's it doing?" "Eating tika masala and naan.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“If people were meant to talk about feelings, they’d be called talkings.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“They played a Dave Matthews track, I have no idea which one as they all sound the same. It’s the kind of guitar based elevator music that people with beards and beanies listen to while drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and vaping in their friend Steve’s bedroom. They nod along as they flick through mountain biking magazines and discuss CamelBak® water bottles and spoke tightening tools. Thankfully the song was killed halfway through and with a few words, a clank and whirring noises, Simon’s coffin lowered into the platform and was gone.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“Oh no, the box is full of spiders!” “And? Your disappointment is entirely due to your own high expectations.” “You told me it was a puppy.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“went away for a week recently, and when I got back and checked my e-mail, I had eight hundred and forty-three messages. Eight hundred and forty of these were adverts for Viagra, and the other three were pictures of lots of love cats.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Our production manager, Rebecca, sews outfits for her cat Jack. I'm not sure why. I guess she was just sitting around one day and thought, "Fuck this shit, I'm forty and single, time Jack had a Peter Pan costume.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog