David Thorne > Quotes

“Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one. Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“I would have assumed you understood, despite our vague suggestions otherwise, we do not welcome constructive criticism.”
― David Thorne

“While I do not have a boyfriend, I do have a friend who is homosexual and I once asked him "Do you ever think about having sex with me because you are gay?" to which he replied "Do you ever think about having sex with Rosie O'Donnell because you are straight? Same thing.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“In my country, terawatt globes are reserved for police helicopter chases and warning sailors of hazardous shoals. This is despite the fact that practically every living creature there can kill you in under three minutes. Our primary spoken language is screaming.”
― David Thorne

“I was taught never to make a threat unless you are prepared to carry it out, and I am not a fan of carrying anything. Even watching other people carrying things makes me uncomfortable. Mainly because of the possibility they may ask me to help.”
― David Thorne

“Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense.”
― David Thorne

“I do not own any camping gear, but this is not a problem, as I have watched every season of Survivor.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“I understand the need for conformity. Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense. Discipline is the key to conformity, and it is important that we learn not to question authority at an early age.”
― David Thorne

“Instead of finding myself in the future, I traveled about fifty metres along the sidewalk at 200mph before finding myself in a bush. When asked by the nurse filling out the hospital accident reports 'Cause of accident?' I stated, 'time travel attempt' but she wrote down 'stupidity'.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“If people were meant to talk about feelings, they’d be called talkings.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“It is not necessary to attempt a resolution when it is self-resolving.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“Holly, there's a raccoon on the back deck." "Really? What's it doing?" "Eating tika masala and naan.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“When you find yourself in a idiotic situation though, the temptation to test how far the idiocy will stretch can be overwhelming.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“I was commissioned to write copy for an annual publication produced by Top Tourist Parks of Australia. After a print run of seventy-five thousand and distribution throughout Australia and New Zealand, it was discovered that I had left the letter v out of the word 'dive' and the introduction for a family beach resort activity read, "Die with your children. A new world awaits.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“How about you agree to waive the fine and I promise not to e-mail you the remaining eighty-six photos of my dog dressed as a bear?”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Yes, it is. I once asked Holly once how long it would be before she’d start dating again if I died and she said, ‘not for at least three months’. Says a lot really. She’ll probably be downloading Tinder at my funeral.” “I”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“If you had managed to persuade my mother not to procreate, I would not exist to send you the plans for constructing your own time machine in which to travel back in time to persuade my mother not to procreate. Apparently, this is known as a pair of ducks.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“that may be a bit of stretch as I’d obviously prefer to play Trivial Pursuit than spend the night in a spider cave or give a hobo a rimjob, but you get the point.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“the old man dance, where I tense up, shuffle my feet intermittently, complain about the music volume, and sit down for a rest.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“I actually woke up feeling perfectly fine this morning, but I’m not going to let Holly know that. I like the couch bed. She’s brought me several cups of tea and a cheese & pickle sandwich and I’ve only forgotten to look sad once when she entered the room.”
― David Thorne, Deadlines Don't Care If Janet Doesn't Like Her Photo

“Copywriting basically consists of taking something dreadful, putting it in a box with a shiny ribbon, and presenting it to someone. Any disappointment the recipient has upon opening the box is entirely due to their own high expectations and therefore their fault.”
― David Thorne, Look Evelyn, Duck Dynasty Wiper Blades. We Should Get Them

“Also, I am not sure what you are teaching in your classroom, but Seb came home the other week talking about a healthy eating pyramid. I had to explain to him that pyramids are made of stone and therefore not edible, so I would appreciate your not filling his head with these fanciful notions.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground

“Or maybe it’s an unavoidable part of getting older; everything just gets blurrier until you die.”
― David Thorne, Let's Eat Grandma's Pills

“The four seasons in Australia consist of "fuck it's hot," "Can you believe how fucking hot it is?", "I won't be in today because it is too fucking hot" and "Yes, the dinner plate size spiders come inside to escape from the heat. That is a fucking whopper though.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“should check the Internet and make sure everything on there is correct.”
― David Thorne, The Internet is a Playground: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius

“Charity is detrimental unless it helps the recipient become independent of it.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“You’re an idiot. I know you’re joking but do you realise how prejudistic you sound when you say things like that?”

“I’m not being prejudistic, I’m just saying there’s nothing worse than a confident fat woman. Except transgender old people of course. Can I have the remote please?”

“No, I’m watching another Hallmark movie.”
― David Thorne, Wrap It In A Bit Of Cheese Like You're Tricking The Dog

“read about five monkeys once that were placed in a room with a banana at the top of a set of stairs. As one monkey attempted to climb the stairs, all of the monkeys were sprayed with jets of cold water. A second monkey made an attempt and again the monkeys were sprayed. No more monkeys attempted to climb the stairs. One of the monkeys was then removed from the room and replaced with a new monkey. The new monkey saw the banana and started to climb the stairs but, to its surprise, it was attacked by the other monkeys. Another of the original monkeys was replaced and the newcomer was also attacked when he attempted to climb the stairs. The previous newcomer took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. A third replacement monkey headed for the stairs and was attacked as well. Half of the monkeys that attacked him had no idea why. After replacing the fourth and fifth original monkeys, none had ever been sprayed with cold water but every single one of them stayed the fuck away from the stairs. Being here longer than me doesn't automatically make your adherence to a rule, or the rule itself, right. It makes you the fifth replacement monkey. The one with the weird red arse and the first to point and screech when anyone approaches the stairs. I would be the sixth monkey, at home in bed trying to come up with a viable excuse not to spend another fruitless day locked in a room with five neurotic monkeys.”
― David Thorne, I'll Go Home Then, It's Warm and Has Chairs. The Unpublished Emails.

“I understand Mike is sad about replacing Jennifer, but we all have to do things that make us sad. Holly asks me to do things that make me sad all the time. Like taking the dogs for a walk or giving her a foot rub. Do I complain about it? Sure, but do I do it anyway? No, but I pay my taxes.”
― David Thorne, Deadlines Don't Care If Janet Doesn't Like Her Photo