Eddie Izzard > Quotes

“They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.”
― Eddie Izzard

“But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!"
"Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”
― Eddie Izzard, Glorious

“Cake or death?”
― Eddie Izzard

“What have you been reading, The Gospel according to St. Bastard?!”
― Eddie Izzard

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”
― Eddie Izzard

“Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.”
― Eddie Izzard

“We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. "I claim India for Britain!" They're going "You can't claim us, we live here! Five hundred million of us!" "Do you have a flag …? "No..." "Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I want to live till I die. No more, no less.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Have you got a flag?”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“This is not a game of Who The Fuck Are You.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I am an evil Giraffe.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Your eyes flashed fire into my soul. I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, I FANCY YOU!”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“Scrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.”
― Eddie Izzard

“If you commit perjury I don't care. Don't give a shit. I don't think you should because you grade murder. You have murder One. Murder Two. You realize that there can be a difference in the level of murder.

So there must be a difference in the level of perjury. Perjury One is when you're saying there's no Holocaust when, you know, 10 million people have died in it, and Perjury Nine, is when you said you shagged someone and you didn't.”
― Eddie Izzard

“We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?”
― Eddie Izzard

“Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed!”
― Eddie Izzard, Definite Article

“If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.”
― Eddie Izzard

“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for fuck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”
― Eddie Izzard

“If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I'm covered in bees!”
― Eddie Izzard

“This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”
― Eddie Izzard

“You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants.”
― Eddie Izzard

“I like my coffee hot and strong. Like I like my women: hot and strong...with a spoon in them.”
― Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill

“Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
― Eddie Izzard

“Pears can just fuck off too. 'Cause they're gorgeous little beasts, but they're ripe for half an hour, and you're never there. They're like a rock or they're mush. In the supermarket, people banging in nails. "I'll just put these shelves up, mate, then you can have the pear." … So you think, "I'll take them home and they'll ripen up." But you put them in the bowl at home, and they sit there, going, "No! No! Don't ripen yet, don't ripen yet. Wait til he goes out the room! Ripen! Now now now!”
― Eddie Izzard, Definite Article

“So then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, ''Yeah, I suppose so.”
― Eddie Izzard

“You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
― Eddie Izzard

“Don’t get somewhere as fast as possible. Get somewhere as good as possible”
― Eddie Izzard, Believe Me: A Memoir of Love, Death, and Jazz Chickens