Christian Lander > Quotes

“If you are able to introduce a white person to a new cheese, it's like introducing them to a future spouse.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“This is because white people need to show off the books that they have read. Just as hunters will mount the heads of their kills, white people need to let people know that they have made their way through hundreds or even thousands of books.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“If you look into the footnotes of the business model for Apple Computer you'll see that they actually give the computers away for free; they just charge for the inflated sense of self-worth.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“White people are drawn to farmer’s markets like moths to a flame. In fact, white people have such strong instincts that if
you release a white person into a random Saturday morning they will return to you with a reusable bag full of fruits and vegetables.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“All white people are born with a singular mission in life in order to pass from regular whitehood into ultra-whitehood. Just as Muslims have to visit Mecca, all white people must eventually renovate a house before they can be complete.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“For white people, nothing makes them appreciate the gift of life more than voluntarily trying to end it.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“White people love rock climbing almost more than they love camping. This is
because the activity affords them the opportunity to be outside, to use a carabiner for something other than their keys, and to purchase a whole new set of expensive activity-specific clothing and accessories.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“When it comes to the subject it's best to understand that
white people do not recognize public transit as a viable option until a subway line is built that runs directly from their house to their work.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“When white people envision their perfect home, it always has hardwood floors. In fact, most white people would prefer a dirt floor over wall-to-wall carpeting, because to them it would have the same level of cleanliness and probably fewer germs.

White people are petrified of germs, and when they look at a carpet all they can see is everything that has ever been spilled, tracked in, or shaken loose into the carpet fibers. But more disgusting to white people is that wall-to-wall carpeting reminds them of suburban homes, motel rooms, and the horrible apartments that they have visited or lived in over the years. It has no soul. Only germs.

Hardwood floors, on the other hand, are easily cleaned and give a sense of character to a place, since they are often the original flooring in older buildings. It is a well-known white fantasy to purchase a home or apartment that has disgusting carpet and then to pull it up to reveal a beautiful hardwood floor underneath.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“Since white people can’t really blame any race for their problems, they need to blame corporations.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“You don't have to be white to be white, you just have to be rich.”
― Christian Lander

“It is the dream of every white person to be able to resolve all conflicts by complaining to unrelated parties. Because of this, white people are able to endure years of frustration and anger without saying a word in the hopes that everything will just work itself out without having to make a scene.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“white people need to let people know that they have made their way through hundreds or even thousands of books. After all, what’s the point of reading a book if people don’t know you’ve read it? It’s like a tree falling in the forest.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“The first stage of camping always involves a trip to an outdoor equipment store like REI. These stores are well known for their abundance of white customers and their extensive inventory of things for white people to buy and only use once.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“The process of reading is somehow heightened through the process of doing it near water. Extreme reading!”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“Under no circumstance should you ever accept an invitation to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show. White people spend less time preparing for their SATs than they do for this movie.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“Right now, all white people are either wearing or coveting a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. These sunglasses are so popular now that you cannot swing a canvas bag at a farmer's market without hitting a pair. In fact, at outdoor gatherings you should count the number of Wayfarers so you can determine exactly how white the event is. If you see no Wayfarers you are either at a country music concert or you are indoors.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“Just as hunters will mount the heads of the kills, white people need to let people know that they have made their way to hundreds or even thousands of books. After all, what's the point of reading a book if people don't know you've read it. It's like a tree falling in the forest.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“It is the dream of every white person to be able to resolve all conflicts by complaining to unrelated parties.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“From their refined tastes in French wine to their fervent consumption of Maine’s microbrews, booze makes up a very important part of white culture.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“When white people envision their perfect home, it always has hardwood floors. In fact, most white people would prefer a dirt floor over wall-to-wall carpeting, because to them it would have the same level of cleanliness and probably fewer germs.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“White people love “gifted” children. Do you know why? Because an astounding 100 percent of their kids are gifted! Isn’t that amazing?”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“If white kids get crappy grades and can’t seem to ever do anything right in school, they are still gifted! How, you ask? They are just too smart for school. They are too creative, too advanced to care about the trivial minutiae of the day-to-day operations of school.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“all white people believe that they prefer listening to jazz over watching television. This is not true.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“white people will always lose their mind for organic anything. Never mind the fact that if the entire world were to switch to 100 percent organic food tomorrow there would be mass starvation and famine.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“It may seem hard to understand why a group of white people would put this much energy into re-creating a problem that was solved 150 years ago, but remember, these are the same people who reenact the Civil War and listen to vinyl records.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“White people really do hate a significant portion of the population, yet for some reason they are petrified of doing anything that might make someone hate them back. It is a strange paradox.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“After all, the British were the ones responsible for the creation of the blues in the seventeenth century, or more accurately, they were responsible for the conditions that created said blues.)”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews

“White people love ethnic diversity, but only as it relates to restaurants.”
― Christian Lander, Stuff White People Like: A Definitive Guide to the Unique Taste of Millions

“a testament to the incredible work ethic that white people have when it comes to a whimsical activity.”
― Christian Lander, Whiter Shades of Pale: The Stuff White People Like, Coast to Coast, from Seattle's Sweaters to Maine's Microbrews