Tim Waggoner > Quotes

“No lawyers in Nekropolis. They're too scary even for this city.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“It was a weird feeling knowing that people were looking to me for help – and frustrating too. You save the damn city a couple times, and suddenly everyone expects miracles from you.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“By the way," Devona asked, "how did Lazlo know to come get us?"   "I have no idea. Sometimes he just shows up when I need him."   "That's odd," she said.   I laughed. "You're a half-human vampire who's asked a zombie ex-cop to help you track down a stolen magic crystal – and you think Lazlo's odd?”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Look, anything that has eyes all over its body should know better than to attack someone. It's like wearing armor made out of your own testicles.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Argus had a thing for highlander ale – made with real Scotsmen”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Evil dies tonight!”
― Tim Waggoner, Halloween Kills: The Official Movie Novelization

“As the three of us walked, we caught the occasional glimpse of a shambling thing lurking in an alley or dark eyes peering through broken shutters in an abandoned building, but we made sure not to disturb them and they in turn didn't seek to devour our souls. A good arrangement all the way around, as far as I was concerned.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“The vampire behind the registration desk gazed at me with a blank, lifeless expression that would've done the most burnt-out office worker back on Earth proud. In fact, the resemblance was so uncanny I wondered if most drone jobs back home were staffed by vampires. It would explain a lot.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“I suppose it's possible that to the assembled vampires, werebeasts, demons, and assorted other creatures, the band's music was pleasing, even soothing, but to my zombie ears, it sounded like a dozen vehicles colliding head-on at a hundred miles an hour… over and over and over.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Fuck You's my name," I said. "But you can call me Mister Fuck You.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Lazlo doesn't believe in seatbelts. He says they show a serious lack of faith in a driver.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“He took a battered pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and held it out to Devona. "Want one?"   Devona shook her head. "No thanks."   I noticed the brand: Coffin Nails.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“We had to rescue Tavi – or what was left of him – but the question was how? We couldn't exactly walk up to Titanus, give him a stern look, and say, "Bad dinosaur! You spit that out now!”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Demon's Roost is a paean to pleasure, a twenty-four-hour-a-day bacchanalia that makes Las Vegas look like a kindergarten playground. It's an adults-only amusement park which contains such a dazzling scope and variety of decadence and perversity that it might give Caligula himself pause.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“There has never been an escape from Tenebrus because escape literally is not possible."   "Good to know," I said. "Now instead of wasting time trying to escape, I can devote my energies to my favorite pastime: mentally composing pornographic haiku.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Devona picked up my head-and-hands combo and perched me on her shoulder as if she were a vampirate and I her zombie parrot.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“He liked it when things were unpredictable, even downright chaotic at times. Order might be comfortable, but chaos provoked change, and change provided opportunities. Change was unpredictable, messy, and at times dangerous, but as far as he was concerned it was the only reliable way to move forward in life.”
― Tim Waggoner, Alien: Prototype

“There are worse things than death in this town and they're usually standing a few inches behind you, ready to reach out and grab you when you least expect it.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Talaith sat upon an airborne throne of black marble held aloft by a pair of giant flapping raven's wings growing from the throne's back. Despite myself, I was impressed. Much classier than a broom or carpet.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Imagine giant trapdoor spiders hopped up on golf ball-sized amphetamines.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“The Foundry grounds were surrounded by a twenty-five foot wrought iron fence and Lazlo sniffed when he saw it.   "That thing might look impressive to tourists," he said, "but it wouldn't keep out a fly, let alone a…"   Lazlo trailed off as a large black gorecrow approached the fence. The bird flew high enough to pass over the bars, but the instant it crossed the fence's perimeter, there was a blue flash and the bird burst into flames and plummeted to the ground.   "Like I said, Baron's got himself a hell of a security system,”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“There are all kinds of battles, and all kinds of ways to fight them.”
― Tim Waggoner

“It took the zombie horde, such as it was, a moment to realize we were there, but as soon as they did, they began moaning, "Braaaaiiiinssss…" and started heading toward us as fast as their dead bodies would permit.   "Idiots," Lazlo said. "Why are they always obsessed with brains? Don't they know how hard it is to bite through a skull?"   "I do not want to know how you came by that knowledge," I said.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“No one knows where they came from, whether they're the result of some unnatural twist of evolution or the unexpected outcome of some bizarre magical or scientific experiment. No one believes they were created on purpose, though. There isn't a sorcerer or scientist insane enough to even contemplate such a thing, let alone actually do it. Chiranha are a cross between piranha and Chihuahua, and as silly as that might sound, no one in Nekropolis laughs at them.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“I figured we'd just do what we always do: stick our noses in where they don't belong and see what happens.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Nekropolis, a friend is defined as someone you can trust not to devour you when your back is turned or steal your soul when you're not looking.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“Henry escorted us deeper into the Foundry and before long we began encountering other employees. Some were merely odd – like the wild-haired, wild-eyed man in a white lab coat who kept telling a pop-eyed hunchback in a black cloak that his name was supposed to be pronounced "Fronk-en-steen," along with the handsome young man with curly black hair wearing a corset, fishnet stockings, 70s glam-rock boots, and far too much make-up.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“She was one hundred percent homo sapiens and two hundred percent bugfuck crazy.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives

“To create life, Caprice needed life – and a lot of it.” He went on to describe how Caprice used the House of Red Tears to collect and store life energy from the people who were killed there. “My god, that’s horrible,” Kate said. Lee was pale. “So Caprice believes that if she gathers all the parts of the Lord together and somehow infuses them with all this ghost energy, the god will finally come to life? What does she think she is, some kind of occult Frankenstein?”
― Tim Waggoner, Lord of the Feast

“From the face Yberio made, you'd have thought he was having trouble swallowing a crap-covered turdball rolled in shit sprinkles.”
― Tim Waggoner, The Nekropolis Archives