Russ Harris > Quotes

“The feeling of love comes and goes on a whim; you can't control it. But the action of love is something you can do, regardless of how you are feeling.”
― Russ Harris, ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

“The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Commitment isn’t about being perfect, always following through, or never going astray. Commitment means that when you (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.”
― Russ Harris

“TEN RULES FOR WINNING THE GAME OF CONFIDENCE The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later. Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear. Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them. Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem. True success is living by your values. Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously. Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process. Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it. Failure hurts—but if we’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher. The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt

“Psychological flexibility is the ability to adapt to a situation with awareness, openness, and focus and to take effective action, guided by your values.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Rule 1: The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap

“Any search for a "pain-free existence" is doomed to failure.”
― Russ Harris

“If you’re living a goal-focused life, then no matter what you have, it’s never enough”
― Russ Harris

“Stop trying to control how you feel, and instead take control of what you do.”
― Russ Harris, ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

“Fear is not your enemy. It is a powerful source of energy that can be harnessed and used for your benefit.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap

“Success in life means living by your values.”
― Russ Harris

“What holds you back is not fear, but your attitude towards it. The tighter you hold on to the attitude that fear is something ‘bad’ and you can’t do the things you want until it goes away, the more stuck you will be.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap

“The mind loves telling stories; in fact, it never stops.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, if we pay attention to this thought, will it help us create the life we want?”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap

“Thus, evolution has shaped our brains so that we are hardwired to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate, and criticize ourselves, to focus on what we’re lacking, to rapidly become dissatisfied with what we have, and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“A = Accept your thoughts and feelings and be present. C = Connect with your values. T = Take effective action.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Basically, expansion means making room for our feelings. If we give unpleasant feelings enough space, they no longer stretch us or strain us.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living

“The world is full of people who are trying to purchase self-confidence, or manufacture it, or who simply posture it. But you can’t fake confidence, you have to earn it. If you ask me, the only way to do that is work. You have to do the work.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap: From Fear to Freedom: A guide to overcoming fear and self-doubt

“Letting the radio play on without giving it much attention is very different from actively trying to ignore it.”
― Russ Harris

“Acknowledge and appreciate these efforts, and give yourself a pat on the back for what you did right. This is absolutely essential for self-encouragement. It’s not enough to merely unhook from all our harsh criticisms and self-judgments; we need to actively appreciate our efforts, especially when we fail to achieve our goals. Each time we do this, we are learning how to be an effective coach. Ineffective coaches focus only on what went wrong, and do so in a harsh, judgmental manner. Effective coaches first acknowledge and appreciate what went right—and then, in a respectful, nonjudgmental manner, they acknowledge what went wrong and turn it into a useful learning experience.”
― Russ Harris, The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt

“Commitment” means that when you do (inevitably) stumble or get off track, you pick yourself up, find your bearings, and carry on in the direction you want to go.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you.”
― Russ Harris

“Having negative thoughts and feelings means I’m a normal human being.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“The fight-or-flight is often triggered in situations where it is of little or no use to us.”
― Russ Harris

“If you love somebody deeply and you lose that relationship - whether through death, rejection or separation - you will feel pain. That pain is called grief. Grief is a normal emotional reaction to any significant loss, whether a loved one, a job or a limb. There's no way to avoid or get rid of it - it's just there. And, once accepted, it will pass in its own time.
Unfortunately, many of us refuse to accept grief. We will do anything rather than feel it. We may bury ourselves in work, drink heavily, throw ourselves into a new relationship 'on the rebound' or numb ourselves with prescribed medications. But no matter how hard we try to push grief away, deep down inside it's still there. And eventually it will be back.
It's like holding a football underwater. As long as you keep holding it down, it stays beneath the surface. But eventually your arm gets tired and the moment you release your grip, the ball leaps straight up out of the water.”
― Russ Harris

“Today’s middle class lives better than did the Royalty of not so long ago, and yet humans today don’t seem very happy.”
― Russ Harris

“So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings, but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Myth 1: Happiness Is the Natural State for All Human Beings”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT

“Therefore, it makes sense to put your life’s energy mainly into action and attention.”
― Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living: A Guide to ACT