Kerry Hamm > Quotes

“my husband is a retired K-9 officer.”
― Kerry Hamm, Nursing is My Cardio: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“Sir,” I finally sighed, “I’m a lesbian.” He nodded and said, “Cool, cool.  I think I’m, like, half Jewish or something.”
― Kerry Hamm, What's the Worst That Could Happen?: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“My student loan holders: Pandemic shamdemic.  Your due date is tomorrow.  Don’t make us come looking for you.  We’ll report you to credit bureaus if you’re 23 seconds late with your payment. -N.E. U.S.”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“Me (in my head): That’s what I thought.  Shut up.”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“They need to give me my money back,” Jane screamed.  “That movie was fake.  That could never, ever happen.  It wasn’t real at all.” “Of course it wasn’t, you psycho,” the owner of the theater shouted.  “You just watched Harry [effing] Potter!”
― Kerry Hamm, Living My Best Life: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“his/her”
― Kerry Hamm, But I'm Allergic to Toradol!: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“Please remember to follow advice from credible healthcare professionals regarding personal hygiene and safety.  It’s important listen to professionals but also refrain from panicking.  We’re going to get through this by working together.”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“Author’s note: NSFW/graphic sexual content. And… Ew.”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“This beautiful, slender German Shepherd with erect ears and a cold glare stood at attention, awaiting the order. I watched the canine's handler.  The man's lips moved ever-so-slightly, and the dog was off.  EMS was going wild.  They'd apparently never seen the K9 unit in action, either.  I glanced over to the waiting room, and I swear, every last person stood with their noses pressed against the windows. When I looked back outside, the police dog was dangling from the woman's forearm.  Even then, she continued to move around and yell.  She refused to drop her handbag and swatted at the dog's head. I'm pretty sure we were all rooting for the dog. The”
― Kerry Hamm, But I Came by Ambulance!: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“beautiful, caring, funny, smart, bubbly, Godly woman was ejected from her minivan—the one she was so proud of because she said it was just another symbol of her role as a busy mother—and thrown 20-something feet.  She was pronounced dead at the scene. By now, you've probably figured out what we were just figuring out. Yes, our MVA patient was the drunk driver.  His BAC was five times the legal limit, and he was tied to a sexual predator case.”
― Kerry Hamm, You Were Stabbed Where?: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“I am a nurse,” she retorted.  “I am not a gopher.” “You are a nurse,” the supervisor yelled, “and you are whatever you have to be to try to save lives!”
― Kerry Hamm, But I Came by Ambulance!: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“We had a patient spring up after one (1) compression and scream, “You sank my battleship!”
― Kerry Hamm, Reason for the Season: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“pretty sure”
― Kerry Hamm, A Double Dose of Dilaudid

“Sometimes, all it takes is being nice to someone to turn their night around.  I’m so thankful for that doctor.”
― Kerry Hamm, No Such Thing as a Snow Day: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“envenomation. The patient exhibited erythema”
― Kerry Hamm, What's the Worst That Could Happen?: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“But then I think that it would be senseless if we stopped caring, stopped helping, stopped noticing that tiny fleck of sadness in a patient’s eyes on a lonely Christmas Eve.  Everyone in this industry matters.  One smile, one ‘have a better day,’ one ‘here, let me help you with that,’ can save someone from losing him/herself in the senselessness of the rest of the world.”
― Kerry Hamm, Ew! Ew! Ew!

“en route”
― Kerry Hamm, How Long Will This Take? I Have Stuff to Do

“We hear a lot of stories that don't make the best sense. An example of this is the patient with a chief complaint of 'decided to take flashlight in shower with me, slipped, and now can't get the flashlight out of my butt.”                         Make”
― Kerry Hamm, But I Came by Ambulance!: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“You’d think the woman would stop there, but she didn’t.  She started yelling at the patient, screaming about how he was ‘gross’ and an ‘abomination.’  She was too stupid to know how to pronounce the word ‘abomination,’ so sometimes it’d come out as ‘Obama’s nation’ or ‘a bomb action.”
― Kerry Hamm, When Life Gives You Lemons: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“I love my granddaughter, but she’s dumber than a box of rocks,”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“I still don’t know what to make of everything going on, so as usual, I’m staying at home and avoiding people…  Funny how before all this it was, “You gotta get out of the house more,” or, “You can’t just watch Netflix all day.”  Nobody has anything negative to say about that now, though, do they? LOL.”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“You need to use that thing.  You know, that thing you put on the penis.  The… Why can’t I think of this?  The thing.  The penis mitten.” That was me giving the same Sex Ed lecture I’ve been giving for 15 years, blanking out in front of 23 giggling teenagers.”
― Kerry Hamm, Reason for the Season: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“Conversation I overheard while I was passing the waiting room: “If a human sleeps with a dog, will they get a werewolf?” “No, I think they’ll get a felony.”
― Kerry Hamm, When It Rains, It Pours : A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“A Message from the Author”
― Kerry Hamm, Full Moon Follies

“yeet”
― Kerry Hamm, What's the Worst That Could Happen?: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories

“I’m going to lose my job,” she panicked.  “I’m going to be homeless.  Oh my God.  I’m gonna have to give blowjobs to random men.”
― Kerry Hamm, Fu#@ing Seriously?

“We hear a lot of stories that don't make the best sense. An example of this is the patient with a chief complaint of 'decided to take flashlight in shower with me, slipped, and now can't get the flashlight out of my butt.”
― Kerry Hamm, But I Came by Ambulance!: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“I guess there’s something called the toilet seat challenge, where you lick a toilet seat to prove you’re not afraid of contracting Covid-19.  For the love of God, please tell your kids and grandkids how dangerous, stupid, and disgusting this is—even when the world isn’t experiencing a medical crisis. -E.K. Location not provided Author’s Note: Gross.  File this under ‘Warnings we shouldn’t have to give.”
― Kerry Hamm, Chief Complaint: Can't Find the Toilet Paper

“When asked if he was he laughed”
― Kerry Hamm, You Called 911 for This?: Real Stories from a Small-Town ER

“-M.N. Kentucky”
― Kerry Hamm, My Best Friend is Ativan: A Collection of Reader-Submitted Medical Stories