Eric Duck > Quotes

“A man dies, goes to heaven and stands before St. Peter. Behind the saint, the man sees a huge wall of clocks. He asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move." Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's," St. Peter answers. "The hands have never moved, indicating she never told a lie." "Incredible," the man responds. "And whose clock is that?" St. Peter responds. "That's Abraham Lincoln's. The hands moved twice telling us he told two lies in his entire life." "Where is Donald Trump’s clock?" the man asks. "Oh! Trump’s clock is in Jesus' office," St Peter says. "He's using it as a ceiling fan.”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Trump Jokes

“Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million. Trump goes back to the Chinese and asks "why 3 million?" The Chinese say "1 million for the paint, 1 million for the labor, and 1 million profit." He then goes to the Europeans and asks "why 7 million?" The Europeans reply "2 million for the best quality paint, 3 million for the specialized labor, and 2 million profit" Trump finally goes to the Ecuadorians and asks "why 10 million?" The Ecuadorians reply, "Mr. Trump, let's sit down and have a talk about sincerity. 3 million for you, 4 million for us, and with the last 3 million we hire the damn Chinese.”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Trump Jokes

“Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bakery. As soon as they enter, Hillary steals three donuts and puts them in her pocket. She remarks to Trump, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I don’t even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election. Donald says to Hillary, “That’s the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, crooked Hillary. I am going to show you a more honest way to get the same result.” Donald goes to the owner of the shop and says, “Give me a donut and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a donut. Trump swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then Donald asks for a third donut and eats it too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “What did you do with the donuts?” Trump replies, “Look in Hillary’s pocket”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Trump Jokes

“tampon.    ”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Best Insults

“up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and has sex with her, in front of her parents.”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Dirty Humour #2

“Peppermint stimulates brain activity and makes you concentrate better. Put a little peppermint oil under your nose or in a candle to get the benefits.    ”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Health Hacks

“What does Donald Trump tell Obama supporters he’s trying to win over? Orange is the new black.”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Trump Jokes

“You’re so fat a picture of you would fall off the wall!”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Best Insults

“When anorexics see you, they think they need to go on a diet.”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Best Insults

“Donald Trump was asked recently if he knew any bible verses. He replied, “Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Deport him and you don’t have to feed him again.” Trump 20:17”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Trump Jokes

“Always exhale when your left foot hits the ground to avoid cramps while running.    ”
― Eric Duck, Eric's Big Book of Health Hacks