Rachel Simmons > Quotes

“When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning away.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

“Many of the most accomplished girls are disconnecting from the truest parts of themselves, sacrificing essential self-knowledge to the pressure of who they think they ought to be.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Shame is a virus that creates paralysis in its hosts. When you're busy telling yourself what a bad person you are, you expend most of your energy obsessing over your self- not what you may have done wrong, not what you can do to fix it. For this reason, shame creates a moat around girls' potential. It limits their ability or willingness to face challenges. It makes them want to be alone, isolating them from friends, their most important buffer against stress. Shame is therefore a major threat to girls' resilience.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Hurt me once, shame on you; hurt me twice, shame on me.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy

“When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having. And when generosity leads to silence or abuse, it is not a generosity worth giving.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people stay for a while, and give us a deeper understanding of what is truly important in this life. They touch our souls. We gain strength from the footprints they have left on our hearts, and we will never EVER be the same.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy

“Be yourself and you will find, who minds doesn't matter and who matters won't mind.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy

“Girls like Caroline and Lily are constantly performing, as much for the Good Girl they think they should be as for the adults and peers who look on. They have spent their lives growing internally dependent on external rewards: pats on the back A's, club presidencies, Most Valuable Player trophies. They become more concerned with how they appear and should be than who they are What other think and feel replaces what is true for them.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Girls may try to avoid being alone at all costs, including remaining in an abusive friendship.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out

“... Should I go to graduate school? What if I made the wrong choice? These questions arise not because there is no pat but because we expect there to be a single one. Uncertainty should invite curiosity and reflection, but instead it generates fear.

Learn to accept uncertainty as an important step to true self-discovery. To start finding your path, begin listening to that inner voice. Tap into what you think and feel, what you truly care about. Don't worry about finding your passion and life's calling immediately. Those usually takes time. But do avoid becoming a passenger in your own life.”
― Rachel Simmons

“Parents are satisfied only if their children are gifted or exceptional (or diagnosed with a treatable problem that the right pill cocktail can restore to excellence).”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“What do I mean by this? The fear of being called "all that" and the demonization of girls who appear assertive or self-satisfied force underground the very behaviors girls need to become successful. Confidence and competition are critical tools for success, yet they break the rules of femininity. Openly competitive behavior undermines the "good girl" personality.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

“When we invest ourselves in worrying about what other people think, we lose touch with what we stand for. By seeking others' approval and trying to be perfect at everything we do, we disconnect from our internal compass.”
― Rachel Simmons

“...with her self-esteem perilously balanced on her excellence, she could only interpret failure as catastrophic. Lilly shamed herself when she made a mistake, becoming upset not only about her performance but about who she was as a human being. ...She reached her heights at a steep internal price. Her Good Girl thinking forced her to walk an unforgiving line; one misstep would plummet her to the snapping jaws of failure. ...Her unreasonable expectations kept her shackled to failure, preventing her from shaking off a mistake and moving forward quickly.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Perceiving a choice between her feelings and her relationships, Dana chose to be liked by others. But the self she displayed was a mask of the person she though others wanted her to be. The Curse of the Good Girl obscured and shamed the most important parts of who she was.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Although it may seem obvious to you, your daughter needs to hear you say that no one can sanely excel at everything they do, nor should they want to. Will a life in which she does everything perfectly be a happy and healthy life for her? Focus on what is sacrificed on the altar of perfection-seeking: Self-worth. Curiosity and exploration. Hobbies. Sleep. Challenge the standards being imposed on her. Let her know you reject them.”
― Rachel Simmons, Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives

“Theodore Roosevelt’s quote: “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
― Rachel Simmons, Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives

“Many teachers, especially those in more affluent communities, believe they are treated no better than a customer-service representative at a store.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Every morning at breakfast, or whenever you have consistent time together, cultivate a family practice of gratitude. It can be simple: “Today, I’m grateful the sun is out.” “I’m grateful that I’m healthy.” “I’m grateful that I get to see my best friend tonight.” If you’re not together, text with her about it, or do it on the phone. A reminder of what she has can help mitigate the longing for what she doesn’t.”
― Rachel Simmons, Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives

“Adolescents, especially girls, are most resilient when they are connected to others.”
― Rachel Simmons, Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives

“This at the very moment when a girl should explore, listen to her evolving interests, and take risks to figure out who she is. But in the Complex, she hears the opposite: Play it safe. Specialize. Trade what you love to do for what looks good and feels safe.”
― Rachel Simmons, Enough as She Is: How to Help Girls Move Beyond Impossible Standards of Success to Live Healthy, Happy, and Fulfilling Lives

“Leaning to your true feelings isn't something you're born knowing how to do. It requires practice. The great news is that these skills are like muscles, the more you use them, the stronger they get.

... And trust me, the more you listen, the louder that voice will get.”
― Rachel Simmons

“Relationships are a girl’s primary classroom, and what they learn about responsibility in relationship forms the foundation of lifelong habits. Honesty is as much a skill as it is a value. Admitting a wrong is a high-stakes, nerve-racking experience; the longer girls go without these formative moments, the more terrifying they will seem. In confrontation, the need to be seen as Good—and the fear of being exposed as Bad—will pull girls’ strings like a puppeteer. If girls feel they cannot be straightforward about their mistakes, they will hide them and take their true selves underground. And if they feel unable to own mistakes, they will not feel comfortable learning to make them.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“Denying those [negative] feelings locks us away from ourselves and so from authentic relationships with others. Denying those feelings doesn’t make them go away but somewhere else, leaving the people around us unsure of what we mean, who we are, and how we feel. Denying them takes us to a place others sense but do not see. It is a place no girl deserves to be.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

“There is nothing wrong with being a nice person, nor is it my intent to undermine the unique sensibilities of women and girls. But girls need to have the tools to say no, to ask for what they need, and to say what they think. Too many girls and women walk away from conversations muttering to themselves about what they really wanted to say. When kindness comes at the expense of truth, it is not a kindness worth having. And when generosity leads to silence or abuse, it is not a generosity worth giving.”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“I couldn’t put my finger on it, but eventually I knew: I couldn’t deliver the demon. There was no evil child here, no bad apple. These girls were good people who had done bad things, and for understandable, if not good, reasons. They were not the cold, cunning creatures girl bullies are so often made out to be.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

“Teach girls to be aggressive? Well, yes. I return again to a major symptom of girls’ loss of self-esteem: idealized, or conflict-free, relationships. If we can guide girls into comfort with “messy” feelings such as jealousy, competition, and anger, they will be less likely to take them out of their relationships with others. They will feel free to confess strong feelings, and they will stay in touch with themselves. They will be less likely to repress the feelings that over time simmer into rageful acts of cruelty.”
― Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

“The pressure on mothers to be selfless at home means that too many daughters discover their leadership potential only after walking out the front door. What would it mean to have leadership begin at home?”
― Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl: Raising Authentic Girls with Courage and Confidence

“When we invest ourselves in worrying about other people think, we lose touch with what we stand for. By seeking others' approval and trying to be perfect at everything we do, we disconnect from our internal compass.”
― Rachel Simmons