Barry Dougherty > Quotes

“A woman goes to the gynecologist but won’t tell the receptionist what’s wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting, she gets in. “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem?” the doctor asks. “Well,” she says, “my husband is a compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles away. I had five hundred dollars and in order to hide it from him, I stuffed it in my vagina—but now I can’t get it out.” “Don’t be nervous. I see this sort of thing all the time.” He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide open, puts his gloves on and says, “I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Why did God create Adam before he created Eve? Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Three nuns are talking. The first one says, “I was cleaning Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the second nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” “Well, I can top that,” says the second nun. “I was in Father’s room putting away his laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasps the first nun. “What did you do?” “I poked holes in all of them!” At which point, the third nun faints.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Two women friends are having a Girls’ Night Out, and have been decidedly overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Weaving their way home, they realize that they need to pee. They’re near a graveyard—so they decide to do their business behind a headstone. The first woman has nothing to wipe with so she takes off her panties, uses them, and throws them away. Her friend, however, is wearing a rather expensive pair and doesn’t want to ruin hers. She manages to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath on one of the graves and proceeds to wipe herself with that. Soon, they’re heading for home. The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and says, “These damn girls’ nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties.” “That’s nothing,” says the other husband. “Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her ass that said, “From All of Us at the Fire Station, We’ll Never Forget You.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A couple is invited to a swanky masked Halloween party but she gets a terrible headache and tells him to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, he protests, but she insists that she is going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there is no reason he shouldn’t go ahead and have a good time. So he takes his costume and off he goes. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakens without pain and decides to go to the party after all. Since her husband won’t recognize her in her costume, she thinks she might have some fun watching him in secret. She soon spots her husband cavorting on the dance floor, dancing with every pretty girl he can, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. Being a rather seductive babe herself, the wife ventures onto the dance floor to entice her own husband away from his current partner. She lets him go as far as he wishes, naturally, since he is, after all, her husband. Finally he whispers a little proposition in her ear and she agrees. Off they go to his parked car for a little bang. Just before midnight, when the party guests are planning to unmask and reveal their identities, she slips away, goes home, stashes her costume, and gets into bed, wondering what his husband will report about the evening. She is sitting up reading when he comes in. “How was it?” she asks, nonchalantly. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” “Did you dance much?” “I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Brown, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off. A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?” The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.” His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t...I put them in your tackle box!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A preacher visiting his flock in the country happens to see a pig walking around on three legs. The preacher stops the farmer and says, “My son, what’s happened to your poor pig?” “Well,” says the farmer, “this pig is very special to my family and me. Just two months ago, I was working underneath my tractor when the jack fell and the tractor was crushing me. I yelled and my pig rushed to my rescue, dug me out, and pulled me away from the tractor.” “That’s very commendable,” says the preacher, “but—” “That’s not all, preacher. Last week, my house caught fire and my pig pulled my two young daughters to safety. The little fella even received a hero’s gold ribbon from the mayor.” “That’s marvelous,” says the preacher, “but that still doesn’t explain the missing leg.” “Like I said preacher, this pig is very special to my family and, well, we just can’t bring ourselves to eat it all at once.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking fast. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can’t be found, so he drives the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse and drives the car forward, saving him from sinking! A few days later the chicken and the horse are playing in the meadow again and the chicken falls into the same mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to go and get the farmer to save him. The horse says, “There’s no time for that! I think I can stand over the hole!” So he stretches over the width of the hole and says, “Grab for my cock and pull yourself up.” The chicken does as he’s told and pulls himself to safety. The moral of the story? If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“This really hot chick walks up to a bartender and says in a sexy, seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” “He’s not here right now. Is there anything I can help you with?” “I don’t know if you’re the man to talk to... It’s kind of personal.” Thinking he might get lucky, the bartender says, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She looks at him with a sexy smile and playfully puts two of her fingers in his mouth. He begins sucking them, thinking, “I’m in!!!” After a few minutes she says, “Can you give the manager a message from me?” The bartender nods. “Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies’ restroom.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“One day the teacher walks into her classroom and notices that someone has written the word PENIS in tiny letters on the blackboard. She scans the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she erases the obscenity and begins class. The next day, the word PENIS is written on the board again, this time in bigger letters stretching about halfway across the board. Again, the teacher looks around in vain for the culprit, erases the graffito and proceeds with the day’s lesson. Every morning for nearly a week the trend continues, and each day the word appears in larger letters. Each day she rubs them out vigorously. At the end of the week, the teacher walks in expecting to be greeted yet again by the offending word. Instead, she finds this: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A city doctor moved to the country to become a farmer. He figured, “Since I’m going to have a farm, I might as well have animals on it.” So he got in his truck to go looking for animals. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, “Cocks 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. “A cock is a rooster,” the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, “Pullets 4 Sale.” He pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. “A pullet is a hen,” the farmer replied. “But sometimes a cock and a pullet will fight, so watch out.” The doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, “Asses 4 Sale.” So the doctor pulled over again to ask about it. “An ass is a donkey,” the farmer told him. “But watch out, because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he’ll sit down and won’t move until you scratch his belly.” The doctor thanked the farmer and turned around to head home. In the road was a broken bottle and the doctor ran his truck right over it. Pop!!! The sound made the cock and pullet start to fight, and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, “Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A guy is sitting in a bar getting bored, looking to strike up a conversation. He turns to the bartender and says, “Hey, about those Democrats in Congress...” “STOP pal—I don’t allow talk about politics in my bar!” interrupted the bartender. A few minutes later the guy tries again: “You know what some people say about the pope?” “NO religion talk, either,” the bartender cuts in. One more try to break the boredom: “This year, I really thought the Yankees would...” “NO sports talk. That’s how fights start in bars!” the barman says. “Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?” “Sure, that we can talk about any time,” replies the barkeep. “GREAT... GO FUCK YOURSELF!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“The guys in a local bar were so sure that their bartender was the strongest man in town that they offered a standing thousand-dollar bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze out one more drop of juice would win the money. Many people had tried over the years—weight lifters, longshoremen, you name it—but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little man comes into the bar wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and says in a tiny, squeaky voice, “ I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter dies down, the bartender shrugs, grabs a lemon, and squeezes away. Then he hands the wrinkled remains to the little man. The crowd’s laughter turns to astonished silence as the man clenches his fist around the lemon and six drops fall into the glass. As the other patrons cheer, the bartender pays the little man the thousand dollars and asks him, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?” “Oh no. I work for the IRS.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A man and a woman are having drinks when they get into an argument about who enjoys sex more. The man says, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. We’re completely obsessed with getting laid!” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this... when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better—your ear or your finger?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A young guy is playing golf when a golf ball hits him in the groin and he passes out. His friends take him to the doctor. When he regains consciousness, he asks, “Well, doc, what do you think?” “We’re going to have to put in a support for about a week.” He then takes four tongue depressors, positions them around the man’s penis, and ties the whole bundle together with string. The man is devastated. “But tomorrow is my wedding!” he tells the doctor. “I’m afraid you’re just going to have to cope.” The next night, the man and his new bride are in bed. She takes off her bra and caresses her breasts. “No one has ever seen these before,” she says, seductively. At which point the man drops his pants and says, “Well, mine’s still in the crate!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A beautiful young woman wants to meet Santa Claus, so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the stockings. He is about to move on to the next house when the gorgeous redhead says in a sexy voice, “Oh, Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.” Santa replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl drops her robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties, and says in her most flirtatious tone, “Oh, Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while...” Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh, Santa... please... stay.” Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” She loses the panties and says, “Oh, Santa... please... stay....” Santa, trembling, says, “HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay! Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says, “Well, that’s great, just great... some asshole’s got my pen.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!” He returns a few minutes later to find another sign saying, “So did I!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Three vampires walk into a bar and order drinks. The first vampire asks for blood. The second vampire asks for blood. The third vampire asks for some hot water. The bartender is baffled. “Why don’t you want blood like everyone else?” “Because,” says the third vampire, pulling out a used tampon, “I’m making tea.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A grandfather asks his grandson what he did today. “Today I played with my choo-choo and I fell down and got a boo-boo on my knee.” “Now, Timmy, you’re a big boy. You should say, ‘Today I played with my trains and I fell down and got an abrasion on my knee.’ Okay?” “Okay, I’ve got it. I say ‘train’ and ‘abrasion.’” “You’re a good boy. Now, Grandpa’s going to read you a story. Which one would you like?” “How about Winnie the Shit?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A young husband and wife are sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzes into the woman’s vagina. She screams! Thinking quickly, the husband covers her with a coat, pulls on his shorts, carries her to the car, and makes a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explains that the wasp is too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggests that the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her, and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. The man agrees to try right there and then, but because he is so nervous, he can’t rise to the occasion. “If neither of you objects,” the doctor says, “I could give it a try.” The woman is clearly suffering, so both agree. The doctor quickly undresses, slathers on some honey, and mounts the woman. The husband watches with increasing annoyance as the doctor’s thrusts continue for several long minutes. “Hey, what do you think you’re doing?” “Change of plans,” the physician pants. “I’m going to drown the little bastard!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Mr. White is a biology professor at a posh suburban girl’s school. One day during class he says, “Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size? And please define the conditions.” “Mr. White,” the student gasps, “I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that, she sits down red faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White asks Miss Jones the same question. With complete composure she replies, “Why, of course, it is the pupil of the eye, which expands in dim light.” “Correct,” says the teacher. “Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“What does a horny frog say? “Rub-it.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?” She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it.” “No kidding? I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“One night a police officer is staking out a particularly rowdy bar for potential drunk drivers. At closing time the patrons stagger out. He notices one guy stumble a couple of times, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he finds the right one. Finally, he manages to start his engine and begins to pull away. The police officer is ready to pounce. He stops the driver, and administers a Breathalyzer test. The results show a reading of 0.0! The puzzled officer demands an explanation. The driver replies, “Simple. Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“Bill rents an apartment in Chicago and goes immediately to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he’s standing there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. Bill smiles at her and they begin to chat. As they talk her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on underneath it. Poor Bill breaks into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go into my apartment. I hear someone coming.” Bill follows her inside, and once the door is closed she leans against the wall, allowing her robe to fall off completely. As she reveals her beautiful nude body she purrs, “What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered, Bill manages to squeak out, “Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!” She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They’re full, they don’t sag, and they’re one hundred percent natural! My ass is taut and round and completely without cellulite! My waist is slim and inviting. My skin is silky and begs to be touched. Why in the world would you say my EARS are my best feature?” “Be-be-because,” he stammers, “when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... That was me!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy

“When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. . . . I was right. —GAHAN WILSON”
― Barry Dougherty, The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes: Revised and Updated! Over 2,000 One-Liners, Straight Lines, Stories, Gags, Roasts, Ribs, and Put-Downs

“A young Amish girl is going on her first date and her mother is helping her get ready. She puts on gloves, because it is cold out that night and the Amish still ride in buggies. Asks her mother, “Why are you wearing gloves? It isn’t ladylike to wear gloves.” “It’s supposed to be cold tonight. What do I do with my hands if they get cold?” “Just stick your hands between your knees, and they will get warm.” Reluctantly, the girl agrees. Her date picks her up and they go on their way. On the way home the girl’s hands get cold so, following her mother’s orders, she sticks them between her knees. Her date looks over and says, “Why on earth do you have your hands between your legs?” “My mother told me that if my hands got cold, I should stick them between my legs.” “Well, my dick is frozen solid; do you care if I stick it between your legs to get it warm?” “Hmmm...well, I guess I don’t see any harm in it.” After returning home from her date the girl asks her mother, “What do you know about dicks?” “Why?” asks the concerned mother. “What do YOU know about dicks?” “All I know is that when they thaw out they make an awful mess!”
― Barry Dougherty, Friars Club Private Joke File: More Than 2,000 Very Naughty Jokes from the Grand Masters of Comedy