Karyn Purvis > Quotes

“You can not lead a child to a place of healing if you do not know the way yourself.”
― Karyn Purvis

“Start the healing process by keeping a journal of your child's daily activities and behavior, marking down routine events along with the behavior that accompanies these events. After about a week or two of journaling, parents find that patterns emerge.”
― Karyn B. Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

“Lectures, scolding, and punishment do not help—in fact, they create even more fear. Fear must be calmed through connection and nurturing before we address specific behaviors.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Only a secure mother can say, "Tell me what hurts, sweetheart," and listen attentively and respectfully to the answer. When an adult is avoiding her own history, entangled in her past, or disorganized about her losses, she can't accurately assess and respond to a harmed child's reality. Only a secure mother can find the heart of the highest-risk child.”
― Karyn B. Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

“Misbehavior is the expression of an unmet need. •​If a child needs nurture and I give him structure, I harm his ability to trust me. If a child needs structure and I give him nurture, I harm his ability to grow. Nurture and structure must be used hand in hand.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Not all models of professional therapeutic play are identical. Some therapies take a passive, unstructured approach, and these are not effective for at-risk children with a history of neglect or orphanage rearing.”
― Karyn B. Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

“Any time a child demands something or asks for it disrespectfully (this includes screaming at you), that request must be denied. Period. For example, let’s say your son comes running and belligerently shouts at you, “Give me money for the ice-cream truck!” Don’t get distracted by his urgency. Calmly say to him, “If you want something, you need to ask with respect. If you ask without respect, the answer will always be no.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Scripts for Young Children “Ask permission.” “Show respect.” “Be gentle and kind.” “Use your words.” “Listen and obey.” “Compromise.” “Let’s have a redo.” “Match my voice.” (This models volume control.) “Make it right.” (A prompt for forgiveness and restitution.) “Stick together.” (Group Theraplay recommends this to encourage listening and proximity.) “No hurts.” (Theraplay for Groups uses this for bodies and for feelings.) Scripts for Older Children and Teens “Be cool.” (This replaces “No hurts” or “Gentle and kind.”) “Check with me.” (This replaces “Ask permission.”) “Work it out” or “Let’s make a deal.” (This replaces “Compromise.”) “Hold up!” (This replaces “Try it again.”) “Think it through.” “Take a breath.” “Calm it down.” “Got it?”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Parents who are seriously committed to helping a troubled and challenged child thrive will vastly increase their odds of success by making a fundamental policy decision: to slow down their lives and put their child's needs first.”
― Karyn B. Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

“When your child feels truly safe, doors swing open to positive change.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

“Selma Fraiberg has performed classic research on what she calls the “ghosts in the nursery.”2 This striking metaphor reminds us that a shadow of the parenting we received as children falls over the cradles and cribs of our own young.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“If you had a parent who was an alcoholic, you must grieve trying to fix him or her and not being able to do it.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“How about rejection by your child? Are you overly sensitive due to rejection in your own life? Do you find yourself desperate for your child’s acceptance? Or do you turn away because they don’t seem to want your love anyhow?”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“time.) Mother: “Susie, now Mommy is leaving you here with Mrs. Johnson. You know Mommy is your boss, but while I’m gone Mrs. Johnson will be your boss. I want you to listen to her and obey her just like you listen to Mommy. Okay?” Child: “Okay.”
― Karyn B. Purvis, The Connected Child: Bring Hope and Healing to Your Adoptive Family

“Eye contact should never be forced but should come organically as our children learn to trust us. With eye contact comes deeper trust and connection. Working on this simple yet important skill improves brain chemistry, regulation, and most importantly, your relationship with your child.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Research is clear that the most dynamic and powerful predictor of a child’s attachment style is their caregiver’s attachment style.1 If a caregiver is warm, nurturing, and emotionally available, the child’s outcome will be dramatically different from that of a child who may have received instrumental care but little nurturing.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“I recall an adopted child telling me it was easier at her orphanage because nobody paid attention to what she was doing. She didn’t understand that having a mother to watch over her was a good thing; it only felt invasive and uncomfortable.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Be curious about your child’s sensory preferences and then partner with your child to choose a coping strategy from this list—or come up with your own! •​Try a weighted blanket or item. •​Explore scents that are calming. •​Utilize fidget toys to help regulate. •​Teach key phrases for identifying sensory needs.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Even more hopeful, this attachment healing doesn’t need to come from your relationship with a parent. A safe connection with another trustworthy, attuned adult can change your own attachment trajectory.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment

“Try It Today Write down three to five ways you can practice giving your child a yes, and try them out throughout the week.”
― Karyn Purvis, The Connected Parent: Real-Life Strategies for Building Trust and Attachment