The Onion > Quotes

“A major existential breakthrough was averted Friday when, moments before he had a realization of monumental personal significance, 29-year-old local resident Darrell Gatsas instead turned to God. "He was so, so close to discovering something truly fundamental about himself and his place in the universe, but nope—he went with God," close friend Peter Rankin, 27, said. "For a second there it seemed like he was going to seriously consider the cause-and-effect relationship of his own actions and elevate himself to a new level of compassion and understanding, but then he suddenly changed course and asked God to swoop in and fix everything." Reached for comment, God chuckled to reporters that Gatsas is, indeed, a real piece of work.”
― The Onion

“I'm getting pretty good at masturbating”
― The Onion

“You will be betrayed this week, time and time again, by your own ch'i.”
― The Onion

“Behold the Power and the Glory of the Scientific Method!”
― the Onion

“And then in this huge, booming voice, God warned me that I should never fucking change. Ever.”
― The Onion, The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden

“I’ve always said that toking up expands your mind and gets the creative juices flowing and Barack proved me right. After a few hours of simmering in our fumes and cracking up at a VHS of Barbarella, he turns to me and says, “What if we just fucking sent in some helicopters into Pakistan?” I said, “Without permission? That’s either the craziest thing I ever heard or the most genius.” Barack starts laughing and says “Crazy like a fox!” and orders the choppers in. And that’s how we killed bin Laden. Later that night we ordered a Pad Thai Pizza from this place called Big Billy’s, and that was just as awesome as it sounds. Yeah, Barack’s a pretty good guy.”
― The Onion, The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden

“Oh by the way, that reminds me that I promised Jill that I’d mention our wedding in the book. We got married at some point. Cool, I can check that one off the list.”
― The Onion, The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden

“Sportswriters are all geniuses.”
― The Onion

“I didn’t want to be known as Joey Scranton the fuck up, using his White Tower gas money to scoot around town on a 100cc motorbike. I wanted a good job, like managing an A&W or being U.S. Secretary of State.”
― The Onion, The President of Vice: The Autobiography of Joe Biden