Craig Alanson > Quotes

“I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“You want to have fun causing trouble? Go online and start a credible rumor that Justin Beiber is going to play Darth Vader in the next Star Wars movie.” I suggested.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Part of being super smart is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and let the other guy talk.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“First item in the crew roster is given name, so I'll input 'Skippy'. Second item is surname-"
"The Magnificent."
"Really?"
"It is entirely appropriate, Joe."
"Oh, uh huh, because that's what everyone calls you," I retorted sarcastically, rolling my eyes. Not wanting to argue with him, I typed in 'TheMagnificent'.
"Next question is your rank, this file is designed for military personnel."
"I'd like 'Grand Exalted Field Marshall El Supremo'." "Right, I'll type in 'Cub Scout'. Next question-"
"Hey! You jerk-"
"-is occupational specialty."
"Oh, clearly that should be Lord God Controller of All Things."
"I'll give you that one, that is spelled A, S, S, H, O, L, E. Next-"
"Hey! You shithead, I should-"
"Age?" I asked.
"A couple million, at least. I think."
"Mentally, you're a six year old, so that's what I typed in."
"Joe, I just changed your rank in the personnel file to 'Big Poopyhead'." Skippy laughed.
"Five year old. You're a five year old."
"I guess that's fair," he admitted.
"Sex? I'm going to select 'n/a' on that one for you," I said.
"Joe, in your personnel file, I just updated Sex to 'Unlikely'."
"This is not going well, Skippy."
"You started it!"
"That was mature. Four year old, then. Maybe Terrible Twos."
"I give up," Skippy snorted. "Save the damned file and we'll call it even, Ok?"
"No problem. We should do this more often, huh?"
"Oh, shut up.”
― Craig Alanson, SpecOps

“But you’re not that smart, I mean, your species is responsible for Windows Vista.” “Vist- that was a long time ago!” “It’s still an insult to computers across the galaxy.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Here's a simple test to tell whether a guy wants to get together with a girl: Step One- does he have a pulse? Step Two- is he conscious?”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“At my level, the laws of physics are more like suggestions. And”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“Friedlander chuckled. “Why did the two blondes freeze to death at the drive-in theater?” “I don’t know?” “They went to see ‘Closed for the Winter’.” “Ha!”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“This farmer has a rooster that is growing old, and the farmer decides it’s time to get a new rooster. So he goes down the road to his neighbor Gilroy, and he buys a young rooster. When he gets home,” Skippy was already laughing at his own joke, “he puts the young rooster in the pen. The young rooster struts up to the old rooster and says ‘Hey old-timer, you need to hit the road. This is my place now’. The old rooster says ‘You’re right, it is my time, but I’ll tell you what. Someday you’ll be old, and a young rooster will come along to kick you out. I don’t want the ladies to see me just walk away. Could you chase me around some, we’ll fight for a minute for me to keep my dignity, and then I’ll leave?’ And the young rooster feels sorry for the old one, and says ‘Sure, old-timer, let’s go.’ So the young rooster chases the old rooster around the henhouse, and the farmer comes out to see what the commotion is. He says ‘What the hell?’ He grabs his shotgun and blows the young rooster away. As the old rooster is chuckling, the farmer says ‘Damn Gilroy done sold me a gay rooster’!”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Break the problem down into manageable pieces, then solve each piece. Think of the problem as an enemy, and defeat them in detail.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“I was wondering; there are bi-scuits, and tri-scuits, right? So, is there a plain ‘scuit’? What would that look like?”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“it is better to remain silent and be thought an idiot, than to speak and remove all doubt'.”
― Craig Alanson, SpecOps

“Skippy, you're the smartest being in the galaxy, right?" "Yup, as far as both of us know." "Great, because I do not understand women. Human women. Can you give me some insight? Help a brother out?" Skippy sighed. Or imitated a sigh, it was convincing. "Joe, I have studied all the literature about human female psychology, read all the books written by and for women, downloaded every blog, every Instagram or Pinterest post, watched every program on the Lifetime channel, listened in on conversations between women, and have chatted online with billions of your females. With all of my processing power, over the equivalent of millions of years of analysis, I have come to one simple conclusion about human females." "And what's that?" I asked eagerly. "Bitches be crazy.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“My suggestion is you find one woman, and do your best to understand her. I hear that is quite rewarding.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Ha! Listen, this guy walks into a bar, with a shopping bag, right? He sits down, puts the bag on the bar. Something in the bag is moving, and the bartender says ‘Hey, buddy, no animals in here’. You with me, Jones?” “Yah.” “The guy is looking real unhappy, totally down in the dumps, he reaches in the bag. He pulls out a brass lantern, then a small piano, a little stool, and finally a little guy in a tuxedo, about a foot tall. The little guy sits on the stool and starts playing the piano. Playing the piano, right?” “Yah. Got, it.” “Bartender says,” Williams’ grasp on a handhold slipped for a heart-stopping moment before the suit gloves restored their sticky grip. He could see the problem was some sort of fluid leaking from the access hatch above had coated the handhold. He moved his hand to the left to avoid the slippery fluid, and continued climbing down. “Bartender says, ‘That’s amazing, where’d you get him?’ Guy points to the lamp. ‘Magic genie granted me a wish, But he don’t hear so well-’ Before the guy can stop him, the bartender grabs the lamp, rubs it and shouts ‘I want a million bucks!’. POOF! The bar is filled with ducks! Ducks everywhere, under the tables, in the street outside, feathers flying all over the place. The bartender says ‘What the hell?’ So the guy says ‘I told you the genie don’t hear so well. You really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Joe you idiot!” He jumped up and down on the desk, waving his arms frantically. “Don’t you know that if you recite the Ikea catalog in the wrong order, you could accidentally summon a demon?”
― Craig Alanson, Armageddon

“Bitches be crazy.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Amateurs discuss tactics. Professionals discuss logistics’.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“Also, I had to remember that word ‘committee’ had two Ms, two Ts and two Es in only nine letters, which told me that a committee was not a good way to do anything efficiently.”
― Craig Alanson, Armageddon

“I was surprised that peacekeeping involved killing so many people, but it is what it is.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“One of the special forces asked Skippy whether we could see the Sun from there, and Skippy enhanced the image in our helmet visors, so we could see the faint light of our home star. I remember Skippy reminding us that the light we were seeing then left the sun eighteen hundred years ago. The Roman Empire ruled the Mediterranean back then. Under that perspective, the authority of Earth begins to seem thin after we pass through a couple wormholes.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“If you're gonna be a dick, this is what you wear.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Marine Corps doesn’t much care whether you’re having a good morale day or not. You do your job, regardless. Semper fidelis. Not when-I’m-feeling-it fidelis.”
― Craig Alanson, Zero Hour

“an old formula; you find the worst psychopathic antisocial losers in a society, give them power, and they would give you their complete, unquestioning loyalty. That was how Hitler and Stalin had come to power. That”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“It's sort of a hobby. I tried collecting stamps, but messing with the universe is so much more relaxing.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“This is Captain Uhtavio Scorandum of the Ethics and Compliance Office ship We Don’t Want to Brag About That Thing You Can’t Prove We Did.”
― Craig Alanson, Failure Mode

“When things change, even radically, you look at your buddies, shake your head, shrug, and adapt. That's what you do, as soldiers. Civilians get upset when the menu changes at Applebees.”
― Craig Alanson, Columbus Day

“it. One thing that being in the military had taught me, is that it is better to act and ask forgiveness, than to hesitate and ask permission.    ”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise

“We could go directly from, say, Atlanta to Duluth, instead of going Atlanta-Dallas-Chicago-Detroit-Duluth. Except, of course, there is no reason for anyone to ever to go to Duluth.”
― Craig Alanson, Black Ops

“Because, sir, the United States Marine Corps is a forward-thinking organization, and they anticipated Earth would be invaded by aliens, leaving a major force trapped offworld to develop its own independent economy,” Rivera said with a deadpan expression. “My master’s degree is in management; economics was my undergrad major.”
― Craig Alanson, Paradise